All language subtitles for If Trump Isn’t Dying, Why Is He Being Treated Like a Make-A-Wish Kid？ ｜ The Daily Show [5qxWKVIflyo]

Welcome to the Darren Show. My name is
John Stewart.

Man!

I gotta tell you, it feels so nice to be
back at work after like four

to five weeks of doing whatever I wanted
to do.

Whatever I wanted to do.

I was a little worried.

You know, we took the back end of the
summer off there, and I don't know if

noticed, but we have new owners.

Here at the network, didn't know if they
would let us back in the building.

But good news, we have not heard from
them.

But one of the windows was left
unlocked, so here we are.

We do have a tremendous program for you
this evening. Spike Lee!

You'll be right here.

Spike Lee will be here this evening. He
will be discussing his new film while I

hector him about the New York
Knickerbockers. So we'll see how it

Now, normally,

as many of you may know, we've been on
this planet for a few rotations, August

is considered a relatively quiet month
for political doings.

But as we have been told many, many
times, this ain't normal.

So I'm going to try and catch you up
since we've been gone.

The economy...

hit a brick wall, stalling on jobs while
inflation continued to rise. So Trump

met with Putin in Alaska to force
Ukraine to accept Crackle

Barrel's new logo while LaBooBoo
released a new Epstein file and

Taylor got engaged. It's a blur.

It's all a blur.

But all of it takes a backseat to
continuing concerns over the president's

health. We haven't really seen much of
the president over the last week.

Basically absent from the public eye.
He's clearly hiding something about his

health. The hashtag Trump is dead trends
it on social media.

What the f***, you people?

You reporters have no chill.

Guy can't take a few days for some R &R
and a non -surgical breast reduction

without everybody suddenly pulling out
the toe tags on the president.

It does say something about the ubiquity
of Donald Trump in our lives that we

don't hear from him for 20 minutes.

And we're like, he's dead.

I think he's checked. Can we track him?

How do you know he's dead? Well, it's
been seven minutes since the word new

has come up on my feed.

He must be dead.

But of course, Trump didn't die in
office, but I wouldn't put it past him.

Trying once again to take credit for
something Biden had already

But that being said, Trump is alive,
although I definitively would not go so

as to say alive and kicking. Something
is up.

With his health. New today, the White
House revealing President Trump has been

diagnosed with a condition called
chronic venous insufficiency. Chronic

insufficiency, a relatively common
condition, something that gets more

you get older.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I wander into the
wrong classroom at boring?

condition to me in a way i'd be
interested in the style of perhaps a

weary brit his ankles swollen and
straining over his oxfords aren't just

unsightly cankles they're flashing neon
signs of a body under pressure

president struggles to keep up with the
herd.

And as night falls it's clear the lions
will eat well tonight.

On a menu.

On a menu.

Wait, I want to tell you the menu.

On a menu.

of cankles au poivre.

It might not have been worth the walk,
but I felt I owed it to you.

By the way, it's not just the cankles
he's got going. The whole meat bag seems

to be having some kind of drainage
issue.

These images of the president have drawn
attention in recent days, showing

apparent bruising on his hands that was
covered with makeup.

Jesus, Grandpa!

Holy shit.

And what's with the makeup? It's not
like you can treat leprosy at Sephora.

By the way, may I remind you, these are
just the parts poking out that we can

see.

I bet everything on that body not
covered by clothes is all up right now.

For all we know, the guy's gone full
grimace.

blotchy hands, puffy ankles.

Although, to be fair to Trump, people
got a little nitpicky.

We can see that there is sort of like a
lumpy situation going on on Trump's

forehead. One of his eyes is half
closed.

All right, now you're just being mean.

He's got swollen ankles, go a little bit
on the thing, but look at his f***ing

eyes.

They're lumpy.

See, this is the problem.

With our superficial Instagram culture,
we have unrealistic expectations in this

country about the amount of fluid our
bodies should be able to clear

subcutaneously.

It sends the wrong message to young
people.

These really are not medical appraisals.
It's just more like insults. Like, hey,

according to the Mayo Clinic, why are
his eyes so clumpy?

Outsiders have been calling the
president Skippy because under his skin

little extra chunky.

Hey, the president's neck looks so much
like Betty White's vagina that Milton

Berle.

Too soon?

The tag to that was going to be that
Milton Berle tried to... You

clearly rejected the premise. Why should
I...

I came with the... Now,

normally, we might be able to dismiss
these symptoms.

But Trump himself...

seems very focused these days on
securing a prime piece of afterlife real

estate. I want to try and get to heaven.

I'm sure you do.

But you know what? Hey, look, the first
step is always admitting you have a

problem. Maybe you can turn this thing
around. If there's a will, there's a way

for you to get yourself back up that
golden escalator to the heavens.

Just moments ago, Democrats on the panel
posted this image with a caption that

reads, quote, Here it is. We got Trump's
birthday note to Jeffrey Epstein that

the president said doesn't exist.

Going down.

Oh, well.

It's OK. It's OK.

But it's not just the physical symptoms
that make you think the president is

transitioning from this mortal coil.

It's that whenever any of his biggest
supporters are with him, it sounds like

they're saying goodbye.

Mr. President, working for this
government, for you, is the greatest

life. When history looks back on you,
how would you like to be remembered?

I'll never forget standing in the East
Room with you, surrounded by the coal

miners from around this country, where
you said, hey, big, beautiful coal.

Remember, Mr. President? And I said, no,
these are humans. The coal is what they

dig for.

Anyway,

we'll miss you.

And have you ever been to one of those
funerals where there's a video of the

recently departed?

Well, six days ago, the White House
released one of them.

Let me share some of the biggest lessons
I've learned from a lifetime spent

building dreams. First, if you think
that...

You're too young to do something great.

Let me tell you that you are wrong.
You're not too young.

There's no such thing as too young.

I'm having trouble getting a read on
these people.

If you're watching this video, I'm
already dead.

But by the way, once you begin to notice
this pattern, you begin to see really

the whole vibe around this president is
very make -a -wish kid.

Everyone who shows up to his office
tries to make one of his dreams come

We thought it was only appropriate to
present you with...

An honorary United States Marshal
Service badge.

You're saying to yourself, and the make
a wish thing is a little much.

A grown man would recognize when people
are condescending to him, treating him

like a child, tiptoeing around his
fragile ego with the idea that this

so easily manipulated that even the
cheapest of gestures could be

You wouldn't think that.

It is the trophy that the winner of the
FIFA World Cup wins.

Only the FIFA president.

And then those who win can touch it
because it's for winners only.

And since you are a winner, of course,
you can as well touch it.

Also, I have in the bag Thor's hammer.

But only the bravest boy can pick it up.

trophy fondling, and cereal box deputy
badges. The people around Trump know

he is a never -ending, insatiable black
hole of wishes.

It's well past time that President Trump
was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. When

Operation Warp Speed was started, it was
a massive success for our country. And

I do agree that President Trump should
get the Nobel Prize for that. I'm

thinking that since he's basically
taught the world...

trade economics. He might be up for the
Nobel on economics.

Oh, Donald Trump, the first recipient of
the Nobel Prize variety pack.

Economics, chemistry.

Oh, here's one for monogamy. It's really
entirely made up.

Sure, why not just fire up the 3D
printer and print all the Nobels for

Or perhaps they sell them at Spencer
Gifts, which still exists.

You may have killed our bookstore. is
Bezos, but in America, we still shop in

person for our lava lamps and our dildos
that suction cup to the wall.

By the way, word to the wise, the seal
is unreliable.

of this president screams make -a -wish
kid.

Oh, you'll meet your favorite
celebrities and they'll dress up for

Oh, I know while you're president, you
won't be able to sleep at your home.

And it probably feels a little scary and
a little uncomfortable, so...

Makeover!

Oh, and did you get an owie?

No, no, it doesn't look weird at all. In
fact... We're all wearing them. It

looks so cool.

But if you think there are some
government institutions that are above

of insulting obsequiousness, you would
be wrong.

Today, the Supreme Court bent over
backwards to grant Trump even his most

unconstitutional wishes.

Like, maybe you can arrest people for
looking Mexican.

Breaking at this hour, the Supreme Court
again has backed President Trump's

approach towards immigration. It is now
ruled that they are allowing federal

agents to proceed with raids in Southern
California if they target people for

deportation based on their race or
language.

Hey, the good news, the Supreme Court
supports affirmative action based on

The bad news is that action is ICE
deporting you.

What the?

What? kind of a make -a -wish kid, wants
to nullify the Fourth Amendment, I'm

beginning to think Trump isn't a benign,
suffering child at all.

I'm beginning to think everybody treats
Trump like this, not because he's the

make -a -wish kid, but because he's that
Twilight Zone kid.

That anytime somebody made him mad, he
sent them out to the cornfield.

You're a bad man.

You're a very bad man.

And you keep...

What's about me?

Think I'm wrong?

Let's play a game.

I'll play you two clips, and I'll bet
you won't be able to tell the difference

between scared townspeople trying not to
be sent to the cornfield and Trump's

sycophants. It's good what you've done
today.

You've been doing an amazing job.

It was swell.

It was just swell.

Great job, sir.

Okay, the production values give it
away.

But you got to admit, it's weird.

And it never ends.

Good that you've done that. Oh, it's
real good.

People were applauding you. You're a
good boy, Anthony.

You're not just courageous, you're
actually fearless.

Everybody loves you, Anthony. They love
you, son. The most consequential

president of the modern era, if not all
American history.

Only American history?

To the cornfields!

But this is where we're at, America.

This is where we're at.

For your consideration, a nation

held hostage by the fragile ego of a man
-baby president who may or may not be

dying of hand syphilis.

puffy. He's very, he's certainly, I
don't know if he's dying. He's weirdly

puffy.

And who we're trapped with for at least
three more years in the Twilight Zone.