All language subtitles for Desperate Housewives - S05E06 -

[Mary Alice]
Previously on Desperate Housewives.

We had an agreement to keep things casual.

Susan made her feelings clear.

So, if I was with another woman,
that wouldn't bother you?

No, it wouldn't.

You want to work here?

I'm great with food,
I understand business...

Bree made Orson a partner.

Is she still asking you questions
about me?

A few.

And Dave took steps to get
Karen McCluskey out of the way.

You think you can screw with me?

[all shrieking]

-[Edie] Karen!
-Let's not be doing that.

As a masseur for
the Fairview Country Club,

Carlos Solis had become an expert
on how to make women happy.

That's why he always had scented
candles waiting for Sue Bridges,

New Age music for Betsy Daniel

and apple schnapps for Shannon Glenn.

Yes, Carlos had made
a lot of women happy over the years,

but on one very unusual
Wednesday afternoon

he made Mrs. Virginia Hildebrand
a little happier

than he intended.

Helen said your last reservation
just canceled.

-You want a ride home?
-Thanks, Clay. That'd be great.

Can I ask you something?

How long you been a masseur?

Fourteen years.

Okay. And in all those years,

have you ever accidentally given a woman

an orgasm?

-An orgasm?
-Keep your voice down.

You want to get me fired?

How do you accidentally
give a woman an orgasm?

I don't know.

I can barely give my girlfriend one,
and I try really hard.

All I did was touch her back.

Are you sure?

Some of these old broads,
their bodies drop.

Not everything is
where it's supposed to be.

I may be blind,
but my sense of touch is just fine.

Well, then maybe she just really liked
the massage.

You wouldn't believe the moaners
I get on my table.

I'm telling you, her body was quivering.
She could barely breathe.

All right, well,
there is one sure-fire way to find out.

-Where's your tip envelope?
-On the counter.

So how much did she leave me?

Enough for two orgasms.

[Mary Alice] Yes, Carlos Solis was
an expert on how to make women happy.

I'm about to go get groceries.
Where are your tips?

Oh, my God! How did you get so much?

And he knew the best way
to keep his wife happy...

Just good at my job.

Well...

...was to lie.

[theme music playing]

[theme music ends]

[Mary Alice] There are
dangerous women in this world,

devious predators waiting to strike.

You can spot them
by the lipstick they use,

the shoes they wear
and the perfume they choose.

But the easiest way
to spot a dangerous woman

is to see how she behaves...

I am about to make you so happy.

...with another woman's husband.

Amy, don't worry about the lunch specials.

I'm only two blocks away.
I'll take care of it once I...

Actually, you do them.
I'm going to be a while.

[Lynette] Tom?

Lynette, hey.
What, what are you doing here?

So funny. I was going to ask you
the same question,

but I was going to start with
"What the hell?"

You remember Anne, right? Anne Schilling?

Kirby's mom. We were room parents
together in the third grade.

Right. So, what the hell?

Tom, why don't we just show her?

It's for my band!

Anne has been helping us find
a rehearsal space.

Oh! That's right. You're a realtor.

Now, I know what you're thinking.
It seems like a waste of money...

But I just got them to reduce the rent
and throw in the utilities.

And you're always complaining
about the noise

when we practice in the garage.
So, you know...

what do you think?

I think it's great.

-You do?
-Yeah.

[all laughing]

Wonderful. Listen,
I have to be somewhere by 10:00.

So why don't we sign the lease right now?

Wow. I was convinced that
you would think it was a dumb idea.

Well, it's a little dumb,
but compared to what I was thinking...

What were you thinking?

Well, it's just...

I saw you two together, I...
I didn't know that you were...

And she looks so...

For God's sakes, Tom,
the woman has to be somewhere.

Just sign the damn lease.

So out of nowhere, Jackson says,
"Let's move in together."

I mean, of course I was stunned,

and then when I said no,
he just broke up with me.

I mean, does he really expect me
to be in love after just five months?

-That's crazy.
-Yeah, I guess.

Although his work on these moldings
is amazing.

You really want me
to repaint these, Suzanne?

It's Susan.

And he was the first one to say
he didn't want to get serious,

which is why I was happy.
We were just having fun.

Well, maybe you should call him.

-How do you like this color?
-Not so much.

Frank, how can I call him?
He's the one that ended it with me.

All right, the guy makes you happy.

He says he loves you.

You're gonna let pride stop you from
finding out where this thing could go?

Come on. Don't be stupid.

[sighs]

-How much am I paying you?
-$14 an hour.

It's not enough.

No, ma'am. It's not.

[wind chimes chiming]

Carlos, what are you doing home?

Virginia insisted on giving me a ride.

You must be Gabrielle.

Carlos has told me so much about you.
I'm Virginia Hildebrand.

Oh, You are the Mrs. Hildebrand.
Well, you're Carlos' favorite client!

Well, mine, anyway. I bought this top
with that crazy tip you gave him.

Your Carlos has helped my back problems

like no masseur I've ever had.

I'm pain free for the first time in years.

That's Carlos for you, Mr. Magic Hands.

He hits the old sweet spot every time.

Okay, Gabby.

I should go now,

but promise you'll at least consider
my little proposal.

What proposal?

I hate to stop
when we're making so much progress,

but I need to go to Europe for two months,

mostly London and Rome.
I'd be so grateful if Carlos

would accompany me as my personal masseur.

Two whole months?

See, I told you. It's too long,
and Gabby has the girls and...

I know it's a lot to ask,

which is why I'm offering Carlos $50,000.

-$50,000?
-Per month.

-Well, pip-pip and arrivederci!
-Gabby.

-I'll leave you two to discuss it.
-Well, what's to discuss?

For that kind of money,
you can lock him in a cage

and feed him peanuts.

I'll see you tomorrow, Carlos.
Lovely meeting you, Gabby.

Carlos, don't even think
about saying no to this!

She is not my only client.
I'll be letting down the rest if I go.

Mr. Banks could even fire me.

Don't worry about Mr. Banks.
I'll take care of him.

-Gabby.
-And so what if he fires you?

Once Virginia tells all of her rich
lady friends about what you did for her,

they'll be lining up around the block.

Great.

[door opens]

[Orson] Hey, great news.

I just got a call from my old friend,
Peter Hickey.

I don't recall ever hearing
that name before.

He's a friend from college.

Anyway, he mentioned that his parents'
50th anniversary was next month,

and I convinced him to let us cater it.
Dinner for 80.

-Eighty?
-He shoots, he scores!

Orson, you are amazing.

Oh! One week on the job

and he's already
bringing in huge accounts.

Mmm-hmm. That's great.

Well, I'd better go marinate
those scallops for the lunch tomorrow.

Oh, scallops? Done.

-Done?
-Hmm.

I also made the pesto mayonnaise,

and I put the individual cobblers
in their ramekins.

Oh, well, it looks like we're all set
until the morning, then.

Hey, why don't you take the afternoon off?

And do what?

I don't know.
Read, relax, give yourself a pedicure.

Fine.

What do you bet I take my socks off

and see that Orson's
already done it for me?

[door slams shut]

-What are you doing?
-The refrigerator needs cleaning.

No, it doesn't.

And besides, I gave you the day off.
Now go home.

I'm thinking about moving to Maryland.

-Maryland?
-Mmm-hmm.

Dylan's there with her husband,
and the baby's coming soon.

Maybe it's time for me to go
inflict myself on them.

You can't just up and move.
You have a life here.

No, I don't. I have a job, period.

No kids to raise.
No husband. No boyfriend.

I might as well throw in the towel
and go be a grandma.

Katherine, you are a vibrant,
attractive woman.

Who hasn't had sex in two years.
That spells grandma to me.

I haven't made up my mind yet.
Just let me think about it,

and help keep me busy.

When you're done with that,

the oven could use
a really good scrubbing.

Bless you.

Karen?

Oh! Those must have set you back a chunk.

Yes, they did. Not that you deserve them.

I don't blame you for being mad.

I'm not mad. I'm furious.

And what the hell were you thinking
coming at my husband with a baseball bat?

I know. I'm really sorry, Edie.

The doctor had me on these new meds,
and it made me loopy.

I thought Dave was messing with my head,

and all the time it was the damn pills.

Well, I hope you stopped taking them.

You bet.
Had to get my marbles back. [chuckles]

Look, I know you just got here,
but I am so sleepy, and...

Of course. I'll see you when you get home.

Actually, I'm gonna call my sister

and see if I can stay with her
for a while.

I don't think I should be
on my own just yet.

Okay. Then I'll see you whenever.

Be sure and tell Dave how sorry I am.

He will be so glad.
He's really fond of you, you know.

[speed dail]

Come on, come on, come on.

Hey, Sis, it's Karen.

Do me a favor and get your sorry ass over
to Fairview Memorial Hospital, ASAP.

I need you big time, kiddo.

[knocking at door]

Come in.

Hi, I'm looking for Orson Hodge.
I'm Peter Hickey.

Oh, yes, of course. I'm his wife, Bree.

I'm afraid he's out running errands,
but he's told me all about you.

Oh?

Yes, he said you were roommates
back in college.

Yes, we were.

Have a seat.

Anyway, my parents'
50th anniversary is coming up,

and I thought I'd surprise them
with a family reunion.

What a thoughtful son you are.

So, have you given any thought
to the venue?

Uh, yes. I have a summer place up
on Lake Pleasant.

I'm pretty sure the terrace fits
eight tables of 10.

My, that's a nice little terrace.

Well, we will throw you a party so special

that you'll want us
to cater your anniversary, too.

Actually, I'm not married.

Oh. [chuckles]

Well, let's talk about food.

With a new client, what I usually do
is discuss possible menus,

and then I have my very best chef
prepare a sample dinner.

Sample dinner? We don't do sample dinners.

But this is Orson's college roommate,

and he's quite the catch.

Oh, wait a minute, is this a set-up?
Because I loathe blind dates.

Well, that's what's so great about it.

Technically, it's a business dinner.

It has all the potential upside of a date,

while still being tax deductible.

Fine. I will cook for the man,

but I'm not going to get dressed up,

I'm not going to put on make-up,
and I'm not going to flirt.

He came while Orson was out.

I let him record a message on my phone.

Orson, sorry I missed you, buddy.
Catch you next time, okay?

[beep]

You realize you could have just
led with this

and saved us this whole discussion.

[coughs]

Jeez, Roberta.

Put that damn thing out.
You're not in a corner saloon.

Then how come there's bourbon
in my coffee?

Do I have to call the nurse?

Fine. I drove 80 miles to see you, Karen.

You better be dying
or you're gonna pay for my gas.

I'm not dying, but there's someone
who sure wishes I was.

Son of a bitch landed me in here.

You tell me where to find him,
I'll clean his damn clock.

No, we've got to be careful
with this guy. He's dangerous.

That's what you said
about that biker in Florida

who now has to purée all his food.

Nearly forgot about him.
That was a fun vacation.

[both snickering]

So what do you need me to do?

Let me come stay with you
when I get out of here.

This guy thinks I'm out of commission,
and I want to keep it that way.

And you can help me do some digging.

You still work for
that cell phone company? The...

Teleshore. Yes, God help me.

Good. Pull his records
and see what turns up.

The name's Dave Williams.

How do you know he's with Teleshore?

I went through his mail.

God, you remind me of Mom.

So what else you need?

[sighs] Could you smuggle me in
a cold brewskie?

Boy, no one knows you like family.

Jackson? It's me.

-[knocking at door]
-[shower running]

Hello?

That'll work.

[screaming]

-[screaming]
-[grunts]

[groans]

-Are you okay?
-I think so.

Good.

So, who the hell are you?

Darcy. Who the hell are you?

Susan. Jackson's girlfriend.

He never said anything about a girlfriend
when we hooked up at the club.

Well, when guys go slut-hunting,
they tend not to play the girlfriend card.

Did you just call me a slut?

You met the guy tonight,
now you're in his shower.

I'm just doing the math.

Got the pizza. Oh, crap.

So, we break up and 15 minutes later
you're with someone else?

You got over me fast.

I'm surprised it took 15 minutes.

Stay out of this.

Susan, why are you here?

I wanted to talk about our future.

You said you didn't want a future.

Well, I was starting to change my mind,

and then I show up and find
five feet of lip gloss in the shower.

I brought hot wings.
You're not getting any.

[tapping on glass]

Hey, what's that for?

Well, I was going to use it
to wash down a bottle of sleeping pills

the next time your husband's "band"
defiled another rock classic,

but since you got them a rehearsal space,

-I thought we could share it over ice.
-[laughing] Come on in.

-[Lynette] Hey.
-We're taking off.

Remember, I'm spending the night
at Kirby's house.

Right. And, Kirby, tell your mom thanks.

That place she found for Tom
is already paying off.

Yeah, she said she was there yesterday
and said it was looking pretty cool.

She was there? Why?

She was just dropping off
some old furniture for Mr. Scavo.

A couple chairs, lamp, futon.

Oh!

Well, see you tomorrow.

-Okay. Drive safely.
-[Porter] Yeah.

-Neat or rocks?
-Rocks.

So, why does Tom need a bed
in his rehearsal space?

Not a bed. A futon. Like a couch.

-That folds out to a bed.
-What are you saying?

Well, if it's just a couch,
why didn't Tom tell you about it?

-How do you know he didn't?
-I don't. Did he?

No.

Well, good for you.

Good for you for not worrying
about your husband's bachelor pad.

You are not the teeniest bit paranoid,
and I say, "Brava!"

Now why aren't we drinking?

[band playing]

[whoops]

Not bad!
I mean, we are really cooking there.

Tom, you got any beer in the fridge?

I got nothing but beer in the fridge.

All right, everyone, go grab a cold one.

You earned it. You sounded great. [laughs]

-Oh, do we blow.
-Oh, yeah.

Not you, though. Man,
you got the heart of a real blues guy.

Well, that's what five years in prison
will do to you.

Oh, yeah, I heard about that.

-Still, it's fun, isn't it?
-Highlight of my week.

You know, I was thinking

maybe we should bump up
our rehearsal schedule,

you know, to start working the kinks out.

Twice a week's about all I can handle.

What are you doing
that's more important than this?

Well, let's see, my job, my son.

Also, I just met this woman.

Oh, no, dude,
not blowing us off for a girl.

[scoffs] Buddy,
I just started seeing her. All right?

It's kind of important for the whole
"getting back on the horse" thing.

Well, what about Saturday afternoon?

I mean, come on, man,
we've got to do this.

Why?

You're putting a lot of time and effort
into a neighborhood garage band.

Why is this such a big deal to you?

It's not.
I'm just having a real good time.

All right, boys, what do you say,

are we going to drink beer or
are we gonna play some rock-'n'-roll?

[phone ringing]

-[sighs]
-[beep]

Tom, where are you?

Hey, babe. We just really got
into a groove at rehearsal,

and I think we're gonna play
for a couple more hours.

Yeah?

Anyway, I just wanted to say
don't wait up for me.

And I will see you in the morning, okay?

Okay. Bye.

[door opens]

[men chattering]

[video game sounds playing on tv]

Oh, my God.

Lynette!

You said you were rehearsing.

I know. I know.

[stammering] The guys left, and I just
figured I'd hang out for a little bit.

Why can't you do that at home?

What the hell is this?
Are you moving out on me?

Why would I move out?

So you can have your affair.

You know,
the one that follows the sports car

and the garage band
and wanting to quit your job.

The final stage of your mid-life crisis.

Oh, and then when I hear Anne Schilling

has been dropping by...

Lynette, she had a bunch
of old crappy furniture in her garage.

I bought it for 50 bucks.
You don't really think that...

Okay...

these past few months when
we've been fighting about the car

and the road trip,

pa--

part of me thought that you were just
complaining to complain,

trying to ruin my fun.

But if it's affecting you like this,
if it's making you actually think

that I would hurt you in that way,

I'm done with all of this.

-So you'll come home?
-Of course.

[sighs]

Let me just square all this stuff away,
okay, and then I will see you there.

Good.

Maybe when you come home,

you could teach me
how to play that video game.

-That'd be great.
-Okay.

[door opens and closes]

[phone ringing]

-Hey, Clay. Is Mr. Banks around?
-Not back from lunch yet. What's up?

I need to sweet talk him into
giving Carlos two months off.

-You two going away somewhere?
-No, just Carlos.

Mrs. Hildebrand's taking him to Europe
as her personal massage therapist.

-Personal massage therapist?
-Paying him a fortune,

but he's worth it.

I mean, what he's done for that woman,
no one else has been able to do.

-So, he told you about that?
-They both did.

You should have seen the woman,
looking at Carlos, gushing like crazy.

And you're okay with them
going away together?

[laughs] Why should I be jealous?
The woman's, like, 60.

If she gets off on Carlos'
magical touch, what do I care?

[chuckles] Yeah. Wow, you're broadminded.

If my girlfriend knew that my massages
were giving a woman orgasms,

no matter how old she was...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Nobody used the "O" word.

-He didn't mention that?
-No! He's giving her orgasms?

Not deliberately!

He swears he's only been doing
his standard massage.

Oh, I bet he does. Where is he?
Is she here now?

Oh, no, no. She prefers her place,
so she's been sending a car for him.

Where? Where does she live?

It's that big house on the corner
of Lake and Pinehurst.

I'm sorry, Gabby.
Is there anything I can do?

Well, when the time comes,
an alibi would be nice.

[sighs]

We need to talk.

Sorry, bad time.
I have the mailman upstairs in my tub.

You know what?

-You have no right to be mad at me.
-I don't?

I try to commit to you,
and you push me away.

I try to move on and I'm a shallow jerk.
What the hell are you doing?

Yeah, I have been married twice,
and both times that's imploded.

So really, I feel like
love is not my friend.

You know, God, I wish that I could say
it was just rotten luck, but...

I just, I'm thinking that...

I can't do this.

You can't?

I never even had a real girlfriend
before I met you. I didn't want one.

And the first time I try to commit,
bam, I get smacked.

Look, I don't even know
where we are any more.

[groans]

Wow.

We've really messed this up, didn't we?

Pretty much, yeah.

We just have so much baggage.

I wish we could start over.

Can we start over?

[sighs]

[cell phone ringing]

[beep]

Hello?

[Jackson] Hi. Is Susan Mayer there?

May I ask who's calling?

This is Jackson Braddock.

Uh, we met once. I don't know
if you remember me. I have brown hair.

Uh, yeah. I think I remember you.

Well, anyway, I thought we really clicked,

so I was wondering if you might want
to have dinner with me.

Okay. When?

Tomorrow? I know this great Mexican...

[clears throat]

French place.

Sounds great. Pick me up at 7:00.

Great. Where do you live?

[laughs]

[knocking at door]

May I help you? Excuse me!

I am Gabrielle Solis.
Perhaps you know my husband.

He "rubs" your boss. Where are they?

I am under strict instructions
not to disturb Mrs. Hildebrand.

-You can wait here.
-Fine.

But when the cops bust up this brothel,
I'm gonna tell them you're the madame.

[sighs]

[Virginia moaning]

Yes, that's it. Right there.

You sure this isn't too rough?

[Virginia] Mmm. No way.
Go deeper. I can take it.

[moaning continues]

Hold on. I've got a crick...

Carlos, I just remembered I have
an important business call to make.

Could you give me the room for a minute?

Absolutely.

Mrs. Solis, what are you doing here?

I know what you've been up to,
and shame on you!

-What are you talking about?
-I know about the big "O."

Oh, dear. He could tell?
I'm beyond mortified.

I understand your concern,

but I assure you,
it was only that one time.

-It's never happened again.
-And it never will.

Because if you think I'm gonna let you
drag Carlos off to Europe, you're nuts.

I suppose I should be flattered
that a woman as young

and beautiful as you
should see me as a threat.

But it would be a shame
to let it end a friendship

that's come to mean so much to me.

Maybe a little too much.

Mrs. Solis, my husband's gone.
I'm estranged from my family.

If you live with loneliness long enough,
it becomes an ache inside you,

an actual, physical pain.

I thought I'd live with that pain
the rest of my life.

Then your husband healed me.

Can you blame me for being grateful?

No, but I just think we should
end things before they get any weirder.

Carlos tells me you used
to be a fashion model.

I've always had a passion for clothes.

The reason I'm going to Europe

is to see the couture collections
in Paris and Milan.

Lucky you.

It's not so much fun going alone,

but if I had a knowledgeable
companion like you to be my guide...

In fact, you could be my personal shopper.

[laughs] That is, if you don't mind
being paid in dresses.

Gosh, that's a hell of a sweet offer,

but I've got the girls and, um...

We'll bring them along.

Think what fun we'll have
dressing them up!

What the hell! You're never too young
to see Paris, right?

I'm so glad. I can see
we're going to be great friends.

Carlos, I'm done with my call.

[mouths] Bye.

-[Edie] Hello!
-Mmm!

Hey, hon. Check this out.

If it's the cat eating spaghetti,
I've already seen it.

It's our band logo.

We're thinking
of getting T-shirts made up.

"Blue Odyssey"? Who came up with that?

This was the name of my brother's
band when he was in high school.

You have a brother?

Had. He died.

Well, you never told me about him.

What happened?

His name was Steve,
and he was a great guy.

Just kind of got caught up in drugs
and couldn't get out.

He went to prison, and when he was there

he was killed by another inmate.

What happened to the guy who killed him?

Oh, the court ruled it self-defense,

so the guy finished his time
and he got out.

I can't believe
you've never told me about him.

I mean, it might help you
to talk about stuff like that.

I have my own way of dealing with it.

Sorry I'm late, but rehearsal was awesome.

They're letting me sing lead vocal
on Hotel California.

That's nice.

Hey, was there a blue convertible
parked in front of Katherine's?

Yes, there was. Nice one.

-Oh, my God, he's still there!
-Who's still there?

Well, Katherine's been lonely,
so I set her up with a client.

And he's been there for over
four hours, so you know it's going well.

Good for you, my clever little matchmaker.

Well, you deserve some credit, too.

I mean, you brought us Peter's business.

-Peter? Peter Hickey?
-Yes.

You set him up with Katherine?

-Is that bad?
-Potentially.

Is he gay? Ugh, I knew he had
too much product in his hair.

No, it's just that when I booked
the anniversary party,

I didn't want you to be uncomfortable
around Peter,

so I said we'd met in college,
which is not actually the case.

-Well, where did you meet?
-Prison.

Peter's a felon?
But he's so refined, so handsome.

Two qualities that
did not serve him well behind bars.

My God, Orson.
What kind of criminal is he?

-A killer? A rapist?
-Oh, no, no. Nothing like that.

-They got him for organ trafficking.
-What?

He was a surgeon, and it seems that
when the opportunity presented itself,

he'd harvest the odd liver
or kidney from a deceased patient,

and then sell it on the black market.

Are you telling me that I set Katherine up
with a convicted grave robber?

Well, you've said yourself,
women over 40 can only be so choosy.

That is not funny!
I have to go warn Katherine.

[line ringing]

-[Katherine] [whispering] Hello?
-Katherine, hi.

-Is everything all right over there?
-Yes. Everything's fine.

Then why are you whispering?

Peter just fell asleep.
I don't want to wake him.

Oh, my God. You slept with him?

You can wag that finger all you like.

I've got just six words for you,
Bree Hodge.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oh, I just really wish
you'd taken things more slowly.

Bree, you have given me

the most magical night
I've had since I don't know when.

Are you going to make me feel bad
about it now?

No. I'm not.

Oh, he's just so wonderful.

I tell you, if I'm not careful,
this guy could steal my heart.

Well, if he tries,
just promise you'll call.

What?

[Katherine] Sorry I'm late.

I was sleeping so soundly,
and Peter didn't want to wake me.

-What's this?
-A Cosmopolitan.

That's your favorite, isn't it?

It's 10:00 a.m. I don't want a drink.

[sighs] You will.

[Katherine sniffling]

But these homeless people
whose kidneys he bought,

he at least paid them well, right?

[groans] I am so, so sorry.

[crying] It's not your fault.
You didn't know.

I have no one
but myself to blame. [sobbing]

That's it. I'm going to Maryland.

You can't just move
because of one bad date.

You don't get it.

When we started this,
you were just as lonely as I was.

Orson in jail, Benji gone,

and I felt bad for you,

but, boy, was it nice
to have somebody in the same boat.

Then Orson got out,
and now he's here all the time,

and I feel like you're this fun,
happy power couple,

and I'm just this needy, pathetic idiot

who hops into bed with the first
pancreas thief who kisses her!

[sobbing continues]

-I should be with family.
-And I'm not family?

Katherine, all my life I wanted a sister,

and now I feel like I finally have one.

But we're always fighting
and competing with each other.

Well, what could be more sisterly
than that?

I know I'm not the most...

...demonstrative person,
but I care about you deeply.

And if you were
to just walk out of my life,

I would be very, very unhappy.

-Well, I wouldn't want that.
-Good.

[both laughing]

Well, now that that's settled,

-let's make some pies.
-Okay.

-Can I have another Cosmo?
-No.

Hey, is Porter still at Kirby's?

Yeah. What's wrong with you?
You've been antsy all night.

Nothing, no, I'm fine. I'm fine.

[door closes]

Okay, I know what it is.

I've had this nagging feeling
that I've forgotten something,

and then I just realized, I think
I left the freezer door at Scavo's open.

-You sure?
-No.

That's why it's gonna drive me crazy.
I'd better go down there and check.

Okay. Hurry back.

I'm so glad you were able to get away.
I didn't think you'd make it.

Yeah, I'm glad my parents still think
I'm young enough for sleepovers.

[car door slams]

Crap! It's my dad!

Dad, hi. I was just...

I know what you were "just."

When I found this I thought,

"Oh, great, one of the guys in the band
is having an affair."

And then it hit me, Porter has a key.

Where is she?

-Okay.
-Dad! Don't!

She isn't wearing anything, all right?

Who is she?

Just some girl from English class.
You don't know her.

I'm gonna go in the bathroom.

You've got 60 seconds
to get her out of here.

[sighs]

Oh, hey, Mike.
Wow, look at you all dressed up.

Yeah, I was kind of on a date.

Oh!

-How did it go?
-Pretty bad.

Basically she just grilled me
all through dinner.

What do I think about this?
What would I do if that?

I barely even know her, and I felt
like I was on trial for my life.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just wanted somebody nice
to have a cup of coffee with.

I guess that's too much to ask.

Well, it's kind of late for coffee, but...

I do have lemonade.

I'd settle for lemonade.

Hey, you know, I know it seems
like I am being hard on you,

but, like I told you before,

I don't think
that you're emotionally ready for sex.

I know what you said.

Just making sure you heard me.

-Now go to bed. It's late.
-Okay.

Want me to put the car cover
on for you first?

Sure. Thanks.

You shouldn't be here.
Someone might recognize your car.

-Is everything okay?
-Yeah.

My dad doesn't suspect anything.

I'm sorry if I got you in any trouble.

It's okay. You're worth it.

[Mary Alice] There are dangerous
women in this world.

Some are lovers blind
to the consequences of their actions.

[door closes]

Some are wives enraged
by the betrayal of those they trusted.

[zipping up]

Others are predators deviously
setting traps to get what they want.

If you are unlucky enough to come upon

one of these dangerous creatures,
the safest thing to do...

I pulled those records you asked for.

Looks like your Mr. Williams
is keeping a little secret.

...is run the other way.

[theme music playing]

[theme music ends]