All language subtitles for Desperate Housewives - S05E04 - Back in Business

[Mary Alice]
Previously on Desperate Housewives.

Bree's husband felt rejected.

I think it's strange to see my wife
billed as "Mrs. Van De Kamp."

It's how I'm known.

Is there a Mr. Van De Kamp?

No, Mr. Van De Kamp is deceased.

Would it have killed you
to have mentioned me?

It's because I went to jail, isn't it?

Lynette's husband was excited.

We're gonna start a garage band!

I thought you were the one who said

you wanted to spend more time
with your family.

Guys need to blow off steam.

Edie's new husband had a past...

[Heller] You've been here six weeks,
and you don't seem any closer

to coming to terms with your rage.

I have come to terms with it.
And I like it just the way it is.

...which remained a mystery.

I just think it's odd
that you're married to some guy

and you don't know anything about him.

She kept asking me all this stuff
about your background.

And Susan tried to move on.

Well, I sort of started seeing someone.

Good for you.

[kids chattering]

[Mary Alice] Every year,
Ms. Elenora Butters

would ask her kindergarten class
to draw a picture of their families,

which she would then display
on "Meet the Teacher" night.

That's how Ty Richmond's parents
saw his depiction of their fighting.

And Amy Hines' parents saw
her portrayal of their drinking.

And Jason Monte's parents saw
his illustration of their hygiene.

You see, Ms. Butters felt it was important

for parents to see themselves
through their children's eyes.

She knew the experience...

Ed, he's got me vacuuming in my bra.
Do I do that?

...could be very educational.

-I know, I know.
-Did I not say 7:00?

You missed their little show.
MJ was Tooth Decay.

Well, the cross-town traffic killed me.
And I told you to videotape it.

Well, did you tell me
to take off the lens cap?

Next time be more specific.

Mr. Delfino, glad you made it.

-Did you get to see MJ's artwork?
-No, not yet. Can't wait.

Oh, hey, look at that. There we are,
standing in front of the house.

Look what he did with my hair.
I kind of like the bangs.

Hey, look, he put a wrench in my pocket.

And see how big my muscles are?

[chuckles] Which is a good thing,

'cause there's a shark
attacking the house.

-Hey, Daddy.
-Hey, buddy.

Your mommy and I were just looking
at your wonderful painting.

-You like it?
-I love it.

Especially how big and strong
you made me look.

That's not you. That's Jackson.
See the paintbrush in his pocket?

Oh. Who's Jackson?

He paints our house,

until my mom makes him drink wine
and have a sleepover.

[stammering]

Because Mike and I are divorced,
so that's why...

It was supposed to be
a picture of the family,

so you should have put your daddy in it.

I did.

Oh, the bug with the little hat?

That's you,
'cause you're always so far away.

Oh, yeah, that's... Now I see me.

[Mary Alice] Yes. Every year,
Ms. Elenora Butters

would ask her class to draw
a picture of their families,

even though she knew the portraits
might not be that flattering.

[theme music plays]

[theme music ends]

[doorbell rings]

If you look closely into the faces
of your friends, you'll see it.

-Hey! Congratulations!
-Come on in!

Right behind their smiles, you will see
a certain green-eyed monster.

And then you'll understand

how envious they are
of your well-kept home,

your delicious recipes
and your tasteful possessions.

Here's my cookbook.

But you'll have to work hard
to see the jealousy,

because good friends
always work hard to hide it.

Look at you, right on the cover.

These are advanced copies.
I wanted you to be the first to have them.

And look, you signed it.

"To Lynette, the sweetest,
most wonderful friend I've ever known."

Oh.

"To Susan, the sweetest, most..."

We don't have to read them out loud.

Don't mind me, ladies.

I'm just grabbing a kiss
on my way to the salt mines.

-You have a good day.
-Thanks, babe.

-Oh, did you show them the ad?
-Oh, I almost forgot.

-Bye.
-Bye.

Isn't this nice?

They're running it next month
in Woman's Day.

You're going to be in magazines, too?

They've come up
with this whole marketing plan.

Radio, print, book signings...

-Wow. Isn't it fantastic?
-No, it's horrible!

She's gonna become this famous author
and have no time at all for us.

No, come on, Gabby,
you know that Bree will never change.

Thank you, Katherine. I will never
become stuck-up and full of myself.

I didn't say that.
I said you'd never change.

Very funny. I hardly think you have
to worry about me becoming famous.

You have a marketing plan.
You wanna see my marketing plan?

"Milk, bread, vodka, condoms..."

[all chuckle]

-Could I see that? I'd love to read it.
-Why?

Well, back before I consecrated
my life to mozzarella,

marketing was sort of what I did.

Oh, right, of course.
I would love to hear your thoughts.

So, you're still gonna
want to hang out with us,

even when you're totally fabulous
and we're still nobodies?

Girls, you are making
way too much of this.

[phone ringing]

I'm not a bit more fabulous
than any one of you.

-Excuse me.
-[beep]

What is it, Andrew?

I hope you're free for lunch on the 12th,

'cause the Chamber of Commerce
just named you

Businesswoman of the Year.

Oh, my God! That is so amazing!

The dry cleaner just found my sweater.

[cell phone ringing]

-Hi.
-Orson, I have amazing news!

The Chamber of Commerce just called.

Oh. What about?

I want to buy you lunch
and tell you in person.

I will be at your office in two minutes.

Uh, no, no! Don't come to my office.

You know, I can't have lunch now.
I'm in a meeting.

Well, I'll wait in reception
until it's over.

No! It'll take hours.
It's very urgent, high-level stuff.

[steel drum playing]

What kind of meeting is it?

George, hey, turn that radio down!

-Where are you?
-I told you, I'm in a meeting.

I gotta go. I'll see you soon.

Yes. You will.

[beep]

Mike, what's going on?

-Daddy got me a bike.
-Yes, I see.

And here Mommy thought we'd agreed
to wait till your birthday. Crazy Mommy.

Can you teach me to ride it?

No, not today,
I gotta go install a water heater.

But you keep practicing,
and the next afternoon I have free,

we'll bust off those training wheels
and go kick up some dirt, okay?

-Okay.
-[chuckles] All right.

[mike sighs]

Oh, my God.

-This is about MJ's drawing, isn't it?
-What?

He does not love Jackson more than you.

-He knows who his father is.
-I know that.

Can't a guy get his kid a bike
without being psychoanalyzed?

So you're totally fine with that drawing?

Well, I won't go sticking it
on my fridge any time soon,

-but yeah.
-[door slams shut]

Look, I'm glad you're dating a nice guy.

I'm glad he likes my kid
and my kid likes him.

Here's a bike. That's all it is.

[door opening]

Hey, guys!

Jackson! Look at my new bike!

Pretty cool.

That's a custom titanium frame.
Make sure MJ knows that.

[man on TV] So, Wendy,
I got to know about the weather.

Mommy, can Bethany go home now?

Honey, she's only been here 20 minutes.

We invited her over to play, so go play.

But all she does is spin.

Honey, we want Bethany to be our friend.

So if she wants to spin,
just suck it up and spin.

Why are you shoving that little weirdo
down Juanita's throat?

That little weirdo is the key
to you and I having more sex.

I know I should ask a few questions,
but I'm in.

Bethany's mom hosts a weekly playdate.
I'm trying to get Juanita an invitation.

How does that lead to quality time
with your boobs?

Carlos, the only time you and I have
to ourselves is late at night,

but by that time, we're too exhausted.

And now that we have Celia
in afternoon preschool,

all we have to do is unload Juanita

and then we can get back
to doing the nasty.

This doesn't seem right,

dumping our kid off
on some unsuspecting woman

so that we can have sex?

Wake up! Playdates were invented
by mothers for this exact purpose.

Shopping, sex, drinking in the afternoon,

playdates make all these things possible.

I don't know.

I feel bad making my kid play with someone
that she obviously doesn't like.

Bethany's mom will take Juanita
once a week for two whole hours.

That is sex and a nap.

Juanita! I don't hear you spinning!

I don't understand.

-You said the job was going so well.
-It was.

Then three weeks ago,

my parole officer left me a message
at work.

That's when they found out I lied
on my application

when I said I didn't have
a criminal record.

So you've been pretending
to go to work for three weeks?

-I know you're angry.
-Honey, I'm not angry.

I'm hurt that you didn't feel
like you could tell me.

I was embarrassed.

Bree, when we married,
I was the breadwinner.

Now you have your company
and you have your book.

I'm a felon who can't hold onto a job.

Orson, we're partners.
We share everything.

Any success I have
is just as much yours as it is mine.

Thank you, darling.

So, why did the Chamber of Commerce call?

Apparently we've been named
Businesswoman of the Year.

Is that good enough?

[exclaiming]

Wow! You'd be killer in our band.
Wouldn't he be killer, Dave?

Donald, why don't you let us
talk it over, and we'll get back to you.

No problem.
I have to get back to the office anyway.

Quarterly tax time, it's got me swamped.

-Well, we'll definitely call you today.
-Thanks, gentlemen.

-Don't you think he crushed it?
-He was good, you know, technically.

He didn't really have heart.

What do you mean?
When he played Voodoo Chile,

it was like Hendrix had risen.

Hey, what about Mike?

I thought that's who we were gonna get.

Well, I asked, but he said he's too busy.

Too busy to live a little? Not gonna fly.

Call him and give him my number.
I'll talk to him.

Okay, sure. But what about Donald?

Because if we don't get Mike,
I wanna make sure...

Tom, Donald's out, all right?

Have Mike call me.

[whooping]

What a rehearsal! Dave and I were smoking.

Did you hear us? Lynette?

Lynette?

I'm sorry, what?

Never mind. What are you working on?
What is this, Bree's ad stuff?

Oh, God, no. Her agency really whiffed,

so I'm coming up
with a whole new campaign.

I was looking through
my old portfolio for inspiration.

[Tom] Oh, I remember this one.

"Feet, meet your new best friends."

It's a classic.

You know, it's been years
since I looked through this stuff.

I'd forgotten I was kind of great.

You were awesome.

I mean, come on, how lucky is Bree
to have a neighbor

who used to be a big advertising hotshot?

Well, maybe I'm the lucky one.

This could be a perfect way for me
to stick my toe back in the business.

Nothing big, maybe just
pick up some freelance work.

But, honey, if you do that,

where are you gonna find the time
for the family and the restaurant?

Well, gee, I don't know.

I guess the same place that
you find time for your garage band.

-Lynette, I'm just saying that if you...
-Mmm!

Okay, I dropped off Celia at preschool,
and Juanita's at her playdate.

Drop trou.

Why don't you put on that sexy red teddy?

Can I ask why? I mean, you can't see it.

Yeah, but I can feel it.

And I love the sensation
of sliding silk off your body.

Oh.

What's it like, Carlos?

-What?
-Sex as a blind man.

I mean, you used to be so visual.

-Is it still as good?
-It's better.

I mean, having to rely on your senses
of touch and taste and smell.

It's actually way more intense.

Really?

[sighing] You're so lucky.

What, you want blind sex?
I think I can arrange that.

Hey, there.

Looks like somebody's
job interview went well.

-Nope. They turned me down flat.
-Oh.

But as I was driving home,
it suddenly hit me.

I may be persona non grata
at every company in this town,

but there's at least one employer
I know who would love to hire me.

Oh. Who?

You.

You want to work here?

Why not? I'm great with food,

I understand business,
I can't beat the commute!

Well, that's certainly
an intriguing notion.

But wouldn't it be awkward
having me as your boss?

Absolutely.

But as you said in the park,
we share everything,

so I would be more of a partner.

Partners, oh, well...

Bree, would you give me a hand
with this arrangement?

Just give me a second, okay?

I think the lilies need their own vase.

[whispering] If you hire him,
I will cut you with these scissors!

I don't think we need to do that.

I think they're crowding the irises out.

Just like he's trying to crowd me out.

You already have a partner, remember?

Well, I think the irises and the lilies
could work together.

Nope. One of them has to go.

If I may offer an opinion...

Not a good time, Orson!

Tell him now or I will walk.

Orson, you really don't want
to work with me.

I mean, you only see me at home.

But at work, when the pressure's on,
I can be a bit of a handful.

Katherine's seen how I get.

-Oh, yes. Bitchy, tyrannical, shrill...
-He gets it, dear.

Honey, you're my partner in life,
but if we want to keep it that way,

we shouldn't mix marriage and business.

But no one else will hire me.

Well, you've only been looking
for a few weeks.

I mean, give it another, say, month or two

and if you still haven't found anything,
then we'll revisit the idea. Okay?

Okay, it was just a thought.

[door opens]

[both panting]

-So, what did you think?
-Oh, my God, you were right.

Blind sex is incredible.

Give me 10 more minutes and an energy bar,
and we can go one more time.

[both chuckle]

[slurping]

No. I think we're done.

Honey! What are you doing home?
I thought you were at Bethany's?

I got a tummy ache.
Her mom brought me back.

Oh.

Well, how long have
you been standing there?

I don't know. What were you two doing?

-Um... we were...
-We were wrestling. Wrestling!

Did Daddy hurt you?
You were making loud noises.

No! No, that wasn't real.

Sometimes I fake it
when I wrestle with Daddy.

Please don't wrestle with Mommy.
You're too big. You could hurt her.

Yeah, Carlos. Stop that.

Okay, go to your room,

and I'm gonna bring you something
for your tummy.

[sighs in relief]

I think she bought it.

You mean the story
of how Daddy beats up Mommy?

Relax. I told her I was fine.

Look, I could hear the worry in her voice.
Why don't we just tell her the truth?

What, that sometimes Mommy
rides Daddy like a mechanical bull

to get jewelry?

She's five. She's too young
to understand either half of that.

It's the facts of life.
She's gonna learn them eventually.

And it's the most natural thing
in the world.

Carlos, if she was standing there
any longer than five minutes,

there was nothing natural
about what she saw.

By the way, thank you for that.

[phone ringing]

-Hello?
-Hey, it's me.

Listen, I've got some free time,

so I thought I'd come over
and teach MJ how to ride his new bike.

Great, he's so excited to learn.

Are you sure he's ready
to go without training wheels?

Oh, he'll probably have
to take a few spills.

But luckily, he'll have his old man
there to pick him up.

Yeah, he's been asking when you're coming.

I can't wait to tell him.
I know he'll be just...

[screams]

-What's the matter?
-Spider. Big one. Gotta go.

Mommy, look, no training wheels!

I know. You did great.

Jackson, can I see you a sec?

-That was amazing! He learned so fast.
-Yeah, and you know what I learned?

Mike's on his way over here to teach
his son how to ride the bike he bought!

Something he was looking forward to
until you ruined it!

Well, why didn't you tell me that?

I didn't know I had to tell you
not to steal a father's precious moment!

MJ, he just kept asking me!
He made me do it!

You could have walked away!

No, I couldn't! He said "Pwease"!

Damn it.

As you can see, the graphic works just
as well on a free-standing display unit.

-Neat, huh?
-Goodness, Lynette.

When you offered to share
your thoughts on my campaign,

I wasn't expecting anything
quite so elaborate.

Well, who knew your marketing guys
were such lame-os?

What they came up with is so...

tepid.

Um... I think "understated"
was what they were going for.

Well, they overshot
and wound up in "bland,"

right on the border of "sucky."

You need to grab your audience.
Just grab them!

I've gone for jazzier colors,
bolder fonts.

I have really played up
the whole nostalgia angle.

[sighs]

"Let Mrs. Van De Kamp turn your oven
into a time machine."

I see women really responding to that.

Do you?

Because I see children
crawling into ovens,

hoping to see dinosaurs.

Oh.

Okay. Well, I've got a whole bunch
of alternatives.

Lynette, I appreciate
everything you've done,

but I've actually approved
the old campaign.

And I can't just tell them
I've changed my mind.

You don't have to. I'll be the bad guy.

Just tell them you've hired me,
and I'll go in there six-guns a-blazing.

[mimicking gunfire]

So, do we have a deal?
Just give me the word.

No.

-No?
-Sorry, but I prefer their campaign.

But mine is better.

Well, you're entitled to think so,
but I don't.

Look, Bree,

[chuckles] I think I know a little more
about marketing than you do.

When I was in it, I owned this town.
I had every big account.

Hell, I was even named
Businesswoman of the Year.

Oh. Well, I'm familiar with that award.
In fact, I'm this year's recipient.

-Really?
-Yes.

There's a luncheon on the 12th.
I do hope you can make it.

By the way, you're right
about those colors. Very jazzy.

[sighs]

Come on, MJ. Your daddy's waiting.

Mommy, I don't wanna fall.

Oh, honey, you know how
you like to push the button

when we go on the elevator,

and if somebody else pushes it first,
it makes you sad?

-But I don't want to fall.
-Just listen.

Daddy really wanted to be the one
to teach you to ride your bike,

and if you can already do it,
it's gonna make him sad.

So just let Daddy push the button.
Understand?

Oh, man.

Wow, he's really picking it up fast.

-I think it's just beginner's luck.
-Uh-huh.

Are you sure he hasn't been practicing?

No, he was absolutely waiting for you.

You know,
I think I'm gonna go check his helmet.

What are you doing? We talked about this.

-You're supposed to be new at it.
-I don't want to fall. I'm scared.

[sighs] Of what?
You're three inches off the ground.

You're completely padded!
So just do what I say.

Wobble, wobble.
"Daddy, look at me." Crash.

Boy, he was just telling me
how glad he is to have his dad here.

Really? 'Cause I almost feel like
he doesn't even need me.

Oh, that's just silly.

Oh! Whoops-a-daisy!

It's a good thing your dad's here
to teach you how to do it right.

Oh, looking good, buddy,
but remember, when you stop,

you gotta put your foot down first, okay?

[exclaims in pain]

Does that hurt right there, buddy?

He's fine.

No, Mommy, it hurts!

This is all my fault.

[groans] Will you stop?
The doctor said it was just a sprain.

I know, but still,
I shouldn't have pushed it.

You know, why look for blame? Kids fall.

If you have to find fault,
blame the pavement.

Not yourself or me.

Mommy.

He should have his pitching arm
back in no time.

-Oh, thank you.
-But I did want to ask,

MJ said that he fell on purpose.

Something about you telling him to
"let Daddy push the elevator button"?

You told him to fall?

Remember, it's the pavement you're mad at.

What the hell, Susan?
Why would you do something like that?

Jackson taught him to ride the bike.

Jackson.

Who's Jackson?

He does sleepovers with Mommy.
They drink lots of wine.

Hey, Doc, don't you hand out lollipops
to brave little boys?

I'm sorry. MJ was excited about the bike,

so Jackson took off the training wheels
and taught him.

He didn't know.

He didn't know I'd want to be the one
to teach my own kid how to ride a bike?

Okay, you know what?

This is not Jackson's fault.

You can't give a five-year-old a bike

and expect him to wait to ride it
until you have time!

[Susan sighing]

You know, this is what it means
to be divorced.

It means that sometimes
you won't be there.

I know. It's...

just harder than I thought it would be.

Well, it's hard for me, too.

I miss things when he's with you.

And I am trying to come to terms
with my guilt, because...

I have to.

So do you.

There's nothing else you can do.

[sighs]

[door closes]

Has Mike called?

Hi, honey, you're home.

Sorry, hon.

Hi.

-So, did he call?
-No.

Hey, listen to this,

Mrs. Hudson's putting her house up
for sale.

I think we should buy it.

Why?

As an investment.

It's fantastic, my friend Mary Alice
blew her brains out in this house.

And all I'd have to do is let that slip
and we'd get it for a song.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Well, why not? We'll rent it out.
We could make some serious money.

The last thing I want to be is a landlord,

get a phone call every time
a toilet overflows.

That's why we hire a management company...

Damn it, Edie! I said no!

Why are you yelling at me?

I don't know.

I'm sorry. I've just got a lot on my mind.

I'm sorry.

[grunts]

Hi, Bethany. I'm here to pick up Juanita.

Is she around?

Boys have sperm!

Excuse me?

We need to talk.

So, apparently, after we had
our little chat with Juanita,

she went straight to Bethany
and passed on the facts of life

in excruciating detail.

Well, did you explain to Peggy
why we had the little chat?

She didn't want to hear it.

Not with Bethany running around the house

screaming "intercourse"
at the top of her lungs.

[sighing] So we're out of the playdate?

Oh, yeah. Way out.

Well, I guess it's back
to the old schedule

of 10 minutes of grope and snore
at midnight.

I'm not going back, Carlos. I can't.

If Juanita doesn't get her playdate,
you're not getting yours.

Fine. I will fix it.

I just don't know why Peggy's making
such a big deal out of this.

Sperm!

Juanita! Stop talking to your sister!

Orson, what are you doing
in the guest bedroom?

I couldn't sleep.
You were snoring too loudly.

-Me? Snoring?
-Mmm.

Like a donkey with a head cold.

Honey, I don't snore.

You can't always hear yourself.
But I hear you, loud and clear.

Oh, for heaven's sakes, come back to bed.

No. I'm good here.

Hey, Mike, Dave Williams.

Look, I hate to bother you,

but I got a busted pipe outside the house.

Probably some kids playing a prank.

No problem. I'm across town
finishing up on another job,

so depending on traffic,
give me, say, an hour.

Thanks, I really appreciate it.

[grunts]

[Dave panting]

So, when Juanita thought
that I might be hurting her mother,

we decided it was best
that she knew the truth.

It just seemed like the right thing
to do at the time.

See, honey? I knew there had
to be a rational explanation.

Well, I guess under the circumstances,
you didn't have any other choice.

[sighs]

So, do you think there's any chance
Juanita could rejoin your playdate?

We've talked to her.
She will never discuss sex ever again.

Not if she wants to see
her favorite dolly alive.

Gabby, we don't need to let them know
all of our parenting secrets.

I think that'd be okay.
I probably overreacted.

We just want to keep Bethany's
innocence as long as we can.

Oh, we totally agree.

Kids are forced to grow up
way too fast these days.

No kidding. I want my girls to believe
in Santa Claus as long as possible.

They're gonna find out soon enough
that it's all a lie.

[both chuckling]

[Bethany] What?

There's no Santa Claus?

[crying]

So, the next playdate's Monday at 1:00?

Wow. Whoever did this really went to town.

[chuckling] Yeah, I know. The damn kids.

By the way, did you put any more
thought into joining the band?

Oh, man, I'm sorry,
I've been meaning to get back to you.

I appreciate the offer, but I'm really
stretched thin these days.

Oh, come on.
Every man's got time for a little music.

Believe me,
I'd love to play with you guys,

but I live 30 minutes away,
an hour in traffic,

whatever time I've got left is for my son.

Yeah, I hear you.

Hey, you ever look
into living a little closer by?

[chuckling] With the rent prices
in this neighborhood?

I might play guitar like a rock star,
but I don't earn like one.

Yeah, yeah. Sorry. I wasn't thinking.

It's all right.
I appreciate you trying to help.

Believe me, I wish I could do more.

I've never seen Bree so happy.
She's glowing.

She won't be glowing
when that agency sinks her book.

-[scoffs] Lynette!
-I'm telling you,

the only thing staler than
that ad campaign is this dinner roll.

Yeah, and the water was
as flat as the ad campaign,

your martini was
as dry as the ad campaign.

Let it go.

Hi, everybody.

-Are you having a good time?
-Hi, beautiful.

-Um... This is...
-Stu?

Lynette Scavo.
I thought that might be you.

Hey, everyone,
this is my old assistant, Stu...

-Durber.
-[chuckling] ...Durber.

[Lynette] Hey!
Well, this was one great guy.

He would schlep all the way across
town just to get me my Chinese food.

So, what are you up to?

Actually, Stu's company
is doing all my advertising.

-Your company? You have a company?
-Three years now.

[exclaims]

How about you?
Are you still at Parcher and Murphy?

No. I also went into business for myself.

Her place makes the best pizza in town.

You own a pizzeria?

Well, it's really my husband's.
And I'm still doing some freelance stuff.

-Well, that's great.
-Mmm-hmm.

-You know, we're always working late.
-Oh.

Give me your card.

-We'll order from you some night.
-Oh.

You know, of course, we're across town,
so it may be a bit of a schlep.

[laughing] Oh.

-It was great catching up, Lynette.
-Yeah.

Bree, let me introduce you to some people.

Yeah. Great.

There's my beautiful wife.
What are you up to?

Why? Looking for a reason to scream at me?

You're right. I was awful the other day.

How about I make it up to you
by buying you Mrs. Hudson's house?

Seriously?

Well, I thought about it, and I agree.
It's a good investment opportunity.

[whooping]

-Thank you, thank you, thank you!
-Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

And I promise, that we'll
rent that place out for top dollar.

Oh, I'm not worried about that.

But first I want to do someone a favor.

[phone ringing]

-Hi.
-Where are you? It's after 2:00.

I'm getting ready for my job interview.

But that's not until 4:00.

I'm reading the company's annual reports.
I want to be prepared.

Oh, honey, everybody's asking about you.

I want you to be here. It's my big day.

Well, enjoy it. You've earned it.

[exclaims]

You know what this tastes like? More.

It would seem somebody's taking
their designated driver position

a little lightly.

Stu? Stu is doing Bree's ad campaign?

I rode in his hatchback once.

It smelled like moo shu.
I've got to warn her.

Oh, wait, no, honey. Why don't you wait
until after the ceremony?

Yeah, just until you can blink both eyes
at the same time.

Guys, I'm just gonna
offer her a little advice.

[exclaims]

[gasps] Oh!

Oh!

[exclaims]

Still waiting.

The great thing about the Internet
is that with a minimal investment,

you actually can reach
all your specific target...

Coupons.

Coupons?

Do a cross-promotion with
some of the major food companies.

Knock off 20% on some of the items
featured in your recipes,

then they do the same towards
the purchase of your cookbook.

Yeah, our research shows
people aren't so hot on gimmicks.

Zip it, Stewie.

Would you excuse us, please?

[whispering] Lynette, you're drunk.

Yeah, that's immaterial.
What do you think of the coupons?

Oh, Lynette, I am really not able
to deal with that right now.

Oh.

I know, you've got your book
and your big fancy award,

and I'm just a housewife.

I never said that.

You know, when I had a high-powered career

and you were just a housewife,
I never looked down on you.

If you could all please take your seats,
it's time to present our award.

You need to leave now.

Fine.

And don't worry, even though I'd like to,

I'm not gonna make some big, ugly scene.

[alarm blaring]

[people exclaiming]

[door closes]

Hi.

Hey. I bought MJ some stilts,
thought I'd teach him how to use them.

Har, har.

Actually he's at Juanita's watching a DVD.

-Do you want me to call him?
-No, no, it's cool.

I just wanted to tell him
about my new place.

[sighing] You're moving again?
How far are you gonna be away now?

-The Hudson house?
-Yeah. She sold it.

And Edie told me
the new owner wants to rent it.

So now I'll have a fighting chance
of being around

when MJ hits his milestones.

Is this okay with you?

Yeah. It's great.

We'll be like...

one big, happy, divorced family.

-You sure?
-It's a little weird.

But you know, MJ will be thrilled,
and, yeah, I'm fine with it.

Good. So...

I'll see you around, neighbor.

[both chuckle]

[sighs]

I think it's strange you won't let me
tell Mike we're the new owners.

The man's got a lot of pride.

I want him to feel like I'm his neighbor,
not his landlord.

Landlord?
Hell, with the rent we're charging him,

you're his fairy godmother.

All right, consider it
an investment in good karma.

Screw karma.

I finally do something nice
in this neighborhood,

and I can't even brag about it?

The man who is silent in his good deeds,

is the man who reaps the greatest reward.

[knock on door]

Hey.

Hi.

So, give me some guidance.

Do I grovel, send flowers, or just move?

I'm not angry with you.

I'm just sorry that you felt so...

Drunk? Jealous?

[chuckling] You have nothing
to be jealous of.

Don't give me that.

You're having the kind of success
I only dreamed of back in my ad days.

But that doesn't mean I look down on you.

No, but watching you, I look down on me.

When I held your book in my hands,

I felt so jealous my stomach hurt.

And I thought if I could just hitch
a ride, have a piece of it,

I wouldn't feel so bad about your success.

For God's sakes, Lynette,
stop calling me a success!

There's nothing successful about me.

[Bree sighs]

My friends think I'm going to drop them,

my partner resents me, and my husband...

has moved into the guest bedroom.

Everything I gain
comes at some horrible price.

And I'm starting to wonder
if any of it's even worth it.

It is.

You're at the start
of an incredible journey.

And I am going to be there
every step of the way,

cheering you on,

telling anyone who'll listen that
the Bree Van De Kamp is my friend.

Thanks.

And the rest of the stuff,

you'll find a way to fix it.

Just know that all your friends
are very proud of you.

Bitterly jealous, but proud.

[Mary Alice] If you look closely
into the faces of those around you,

you will catch a glimpse
of a certain green-eyed monster.

And then you'll see they envy your career,

your love life,

the time you spend with their child.

How do you deal with such jealousy?

There are many ways,

but the best...

is to simply share what you have.

Thank you.

Promise me you'll never leave
our bed again.

I promise, partner.

[theme music playing]

[theme music ends]