Original subtitles

[phone line ringing]

-[video call connects] -[Koa] Mom?

Yeah?

[Koa] I'm just looking for this...

[Chris] Oh, yeah.

[Koa] ...notebook with the brown cover.

[Chris] His notebook with the brown cover on it,

we seem to not be able to find it.

It's in that basket. It's cardboard.

It's not a brown cover.

-[Koa] Find it. -Okay, can you find it?

[Koa] Yeah.

[Chris] Let's see.

[Aurélie Athan] As experts and psychologists,

we have long known that becoming a mother

is a catalyst for radical change.

[director] So, ready and action.

One, two.

[reporter] Kimmy Fasani up next,

a household name in snowboarding.

She's got an unbelievable story.

[Athan] Motherhood is a confrontation

with both life and death.

It's one of the few experiences where you understand

what it takes to bring life into this world,

and also the preciousness of that life.

And you might even encounter

a death-defying experience along the way.

But the culture and the science

has remained silent on this for so long.

It's the biggest story never told.

[introspective music]

[wind whistling]

[wind howling]

These ideas really started in the identity development

theories of our foremothers,

many of whom were actually psychologists and theorists

who became mothers and then finally used the tools

of their own science to explain what was going on for them.

And they talked about this idea of an identity change,

a "me" change.

That doesn't happen overnight.

♪

[vacuum whirring]

[barking]

[Kimmy Fasani] Typical me, I already have an email drafted,

and it's basically fill-in-the-blanks,

like a Mad Lib, you know?

All Chris had to do was put in the name and what happened.

The doctor yesterday warned me,

she's like, "You know, you might have a higher than normal

pain tolerance because of everything you've been through."

-So, like... -[woman on phone] Definitely.

[laughs] So, like, don't wait too long.

[fire crackling]

[soft music playing on stereo]

When I became pregnant, I was at the highest peak

I'd ever got to in snowboarding,

a passion that I had developed a career from.

It says, "Get ready. It's time to get

your hospital bag and documents ready.

It'd be the perfect time to go to the hospital."

What I had seen happen to women before me

was that as soon as they chose to become moms,

they all of a sudden were no longer...

a professional snowboarder anymore.

I think it's a boy.

[Kimmy] But I knew I wanted to start a family,

and I had no intention of slowing down.

[gentle music]

[Judy Fasani] This is June 7th, 1988.

It's supposed to be summer. It is summer.

But summer in the mountains sometimes has lots of snow.

Kimmy's trying to get the trampoline all uncovered.

Smart girl.

[Kimmy] My mom had the strongest work ethic I know.

She was a single mom, and she was an OR nurse.

She worked full-time.

[Judy] I had to dig Kimmy's snow clothes out of the back room.

Rough year for gardening.

[Kimmy] We lived in a cabin at the highest place

you could live in Truckee.

We were always inundated by snow.

If the school bus got stuck,

she would walk outside with her can of ashes

from our fireplace and put it under the school bus tires.

She had this ability to do anything.

[Judy] There's our wood in the yard for the winter.

We can still see the neighbors.

[Kimmy] My mom had me when she was 39 years old,

and that was about 40 years ago.

She was never married to my dad, who struggled with alcoholism.

He was a loving man,

and yet he had a toxic lifestyle.

My mom was doing everything on her own,

and so she raised me to be very independent.

[Judy] Pump!

[Kimmy] She had a meditation practice,

which I didn't really understand,

but I knew to be still with her.

[Kimmy in video] Merry Christmas.

-We're cooking breakfast. -Merry Christmas!

[Kimmy] I wasn't just her daughter, I was her partner.

We were each other's soulmates.

♪

And she was kind of a ski bum at heart,

so when I asked her if I could learn how to snowboard,

she decided to let me have a try.

[Judy] Well, here comes Kimmy.

She's just learning to use this board.

[Kimmy] I'll never forget that feeling,

stepping onto that snowboard, trying something new

that not even my mom knew how to do.

Snowboarding was the first time I realized my own desire.

There was something there that I needed.

♪

When I had just graduated eighth grade,

my dad got diagnosed with cancer.

And within just a few months, he was gone.

[somber music]

Snowboarding broke me away from that pain of loss.

[Judy] Come on, baby.

[woman] All right! Whoo!

[announcer] And here comes Kimmy Fasani!

-[crowd cheering] -This girl rips!

[Kimmy] It just made me happy.

[Judy] So, Kimmy, what's the, uh, game plan for today?

Game plan? I have a lot of homework,

but probably not gonna do it.

[man in video] Yeah, Kimmy!

[Kimmy] I moved to Mammoth.

All the pros lived here.

I wanted to pursue professional snowboarding.

-[laughing] -[man] Now hold it up.

[Kimmy] And I got sponsors,

and I started traveling and filming.

[man] Kimmy at the lift in three...

[Kimmy] It was a dream job.

["Selfish Soul" by Sudan Archives playing]

♪ Time I feed my selfish soul ♪

♪

Whoo!

-[man in video] Hell yeah! -[Judy] Hi, honey, it's just me.

I was just reading about you last night.

You are absolutely amazing.

[Kimmy] The whole lifestyle of snowboarding

is what makes it so addicting.

You're living your passion, you're outdoors,

you're riding with your friends.

Doesn't get better than that.

-Arrr! Arrr! -[all laughing]

We decided to host a pirate theme party

for an opening of a new snowboard movie.

[partygoers laughing, chattering]

Hello, mate.

[Chris Benchetler] I was a skier.

My brother was a snowboarder.

And we worked at the ice cream parlor in town.

It was the perfect job.

Opened at three o'clock, and you could shred all day.

Kimmy came in and she's like, "Are you Peter's brother?"

And I said, "Yeah."

And she said, "I heard you lost your father.

I lost my father. If you ever wanna talk..."

My dad died of cancer as well.

Kimmy was the first person I had opened up with.

We connected on a deep level pretty immediately.

Hey! I love you.

-[Kimmy] You love me? -Yeah, Kim.

[gasps]

[Kimmy] Chris and I fell in love the first time we met.

She opened my eyes to the depth of a human.

Her mom was very reluctant of me.

I was underage. Kimmy was 19.

She's like, "Are you kidding me? Have you asked his mom?"

[Kimmy] We were both on this journey to be the best

that we could be in our sport.

[Chris] She's always been so driven and so powerful.

Yeah, Kimmy!

[Kimmy] I earned a spot in Alaska,

the biggest playground that you can snowboard in.

And I just felt like I had come home to myself.

[Chris] I started bringing my art into my skiing.

[Kimmy] We were both hitting our peak.

They did these double backflips together, which is amazing.

♪ I don't want no struggles, I don't want no fears ♪

♪ I don't want no struggles, I don't want no fears ♪

♪ I don't want no struggles, I don't want no... ♪

[Chris] Kimmy, you just landed a double back flip.

[Kimmy] That's so sick!

[reporter] Look at the video out of Mammoth,

just right on the edge.

♪ Time I embrace my self and soul ♪

♪ Time I feed my selfish soul ♪

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Look how far we've come!

There was always a new limit to push.

We were never content.

[Chris] Kimmy and I were just ships passing in the night.

"I'll meet you at this airport for a kiss."

[Kimmy] We were free.

[camera shutter clicks]

[announcer] And your Women's Rider of the Year is...

Kimmy Fasani!

[cheering, applause]

I want to dedicate this award to my mom.

She couldn't be here tonight.

I love her so much.

She introduced me to the mountains.

And I would have never found snowboarding

if it wasn't for her support.

So, thank you, Judy!

[cheering, applause]

And yet there was so much contradiction

at that point in my life.

Because a month before that award,

my mom was diagnosed with a really aggressive cancer.

[heartbeat thudding]

[Judy on recording] Pure joy...

is pure observation.

[Kimmy] She always asked me if I was happy.

And as long as I said yes, she never revisited it.

But I knew that she wanted to watch me become a mom.

[heartbeat thudding continues]

[Judy on recording] Pure joy... is total acceptance.

[Kimmy] I wanted that too.

But there was never a good time.

[Kimmy crying softly]

And it wasn't until she got sick

that I realized...

I'm gonna walk this path of being a mom without her.

[gentle music]

You gave your mom a hard time today.

Yeah.

Are you always gonna give me a hard time?

-Hi. -I got my wish.

I'm so happy to finally meet you.

Ten months later.

Hi.

I see you.

♪

[Koa fussing]

♪

[wailing]

What's wrong?

[Koa fussing softly]

I was so full of love,

and I had a beautiful birth plan.

But when I went in for my C-section,

I remember being scared,

and for the first time in a long time,

felt completely out of control.

The doctor just gave me the okay

to resume my normal activity level.

Back out in the mountains in Mammoth.

Feels so good to move again.

We wanted to be those people.

Our child didn't slow us down.

No matter how exhausted we were,

we just wanted to keep our life the same.

[wind gusting]

You still awake back there?

We're just out wandering in the woods.

[Kimmy] Koa, you're almost ten months old.

[Chris] Dang.

Entering into 2019 winter.

Getting this dude ready for the cold weather in Japan.

There are complications of being a professional athlete.

Contracts are annual.

There's injury clauses in them.

You are on your own, you're self-employed.

It is up to you to perform...

and not fuck it up.

Is this possible with a child?

[Kimmy] All of my contracts were up when I was pregnant.

And there was no protection for pregnancy.

You were able to be terminated.

[Donna Carpenter] Kimmy and I have become friends

over the years, and I got this kind of formal text from her.

I remember calling her, and she couldn't quite spit it out.

All of a sudden I was like, "Oh my God, Kimmy, you're pregnant."

There was no policy.

But I said, "Kimmy, let's pioneer this.

Let's see what this looks like."

[camera shutter clicks]

[Kimmy] I was gonna do it differently.

I thought that women can do it all.

[interviewer] Do you still think that?

[laughs]

[upbeat music]

Hello.

♪

[Athan] There's a missing nomenclature

for the transition to motherhood.

Media, unfortunately, has sort of flattened it.

But this is about being invited into our depth.

♪

[Bellenbaum] Adolescence gets a name, gets a label.

When we hear the word, we automatically think

of just how complicated and difficult it is

to move through that period in a young person's life.

[Amber Thornton] For mothers, we expect that they'd have a baby,

spend time with the baby,

and then go back to the same thing.

Here's your six-week checkup, and, on your own.

[Nicole Bolden] You grew a human.

We forget the magnificence of that, the grandeur of that.

We're not the same.

♪

Matrescence is the developmental process of becoming a mother.

It's going to affect and change many, many areas of your life

that make you human, biologically, neurologically,

relationally, socially, existentially.

You go through something akin to puberty.

It's a very disorienting time.

♪

[Kimmy] I was really excited to get back out into the mountains.

I had a nanny that could travel with me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The resort closes, I think, at 3:45,

so I shouldn't be more than 4:00.

But I think I painted it to be a lot more simple than it was.

Okay, should we have them lock the house?

[Chris] Koa and Bridgette are here.

Oh, sorry. Yeah.

Come on, brain.

In the boot room, I stupidly left my pump.

Stupid.

[Catherine Birndorf] There are all these different aspects

of it that contribute to the storm.

♪

[Athan] Your brain is being bathed in a lot of hormones.

[wind whistling]

It's starting to bring tremendous neuroplasticity.

Your mind is changing.

[Bellenbaum] There's a million things going on

in your mind all the time.

You're thrust into an extended period of sleep deprivation.

And so it absolutely contributes to this concept

that in some ways we kind of joke about mom brain,

but what's really going on are all of these enormous shifts.

[Birndorf] Women are sold a bill of goods

that it's easy, natural, blissful, perfect.

You'll get this, everyone's done it before you,

don't worry about it.

And that's just not how it is.

[Koa crying]

[Kimmy] Baby has another tooth coming in.

'Cause he's uncomfortable.

The non-dream-feed totally backfired.

He normally can do the dream-feed

and he's immediately out, and then I can go to sleep.

So instead he woke up, and he was up for an hour,

and wouldn't settle.

But I think it's because I've been pumping so much

that my milk isn't... when he has it,

it's not as hearty,

because I've been, like, eliminating it

throughout the day.

And so I think it's a combination

of him being hungry,

and it was just a bad night to try to stop dream-feeding.

It's always something, though.

Definitely.

[Koa crying]

Is he standing or laying?

[Koa fussing]

[Koa grunting]

[director on radio] All right, Kimmy, we're ready.

Whoa!

[Koa grunting]

[Kimmy shouts]

[Kimmy] That didn't work.

-[Koa screams] -[Kimmy screams]

Do you think I'll be okay if I'm not home for an hour?

[Bridgette on phone] Okay.

-Hi, Koa. -[Koa crying]

I know, I know, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have seen you.

-Okay, bye. -[Bridgette] Bye.

Oh, I should just go home.

[Koa crying]

-[Koa crying] -Hey, Koa. Come here, come here.

Yeah, what's going on?

-[Chris] He's like, I heard... -What's going on?

[Koa crying]

[Bridgette & Chris chattering indistinctly]

Yeah, yeah.

I love you.

[Kimmy] My body is doing things

that I've never had it do before.

I haven't slept through the night in ten months.

Not once.

Every morning I wake up around 4:00,

and I would've already been up, like,

two or three times during the night.

From the moment I wake up,

I never really have time to think about anything for myself.

Hot. Hot.

Koa won't take a bottle that well,

and so it's a cycle of trying to figure out

when to feed and pump.

[pump whirs]

He'll go down for his first nap around 7:00 in the morning,

and then I get geared up to go out there.

But my body is disconnected.

I don't feel like myself.

[Thornton] That first few weeks back to work,

for that mom who might be separating from her child

for the very first time,

what space is made for her to grieve even that loss?

[gentle music]

There's these opposing forces of...

who you were before,

but then also new motherhood.

[Kimmy] Just feeling stressed.

[Chris] I don't know how to cure your anxiety

if you won't tell me what you want me to do.

I don't think there's any way to cure this.

It's just a new reality.

A lot of women want to kind of get back to their old body.

They feel attached to maybe who they were in the past.

But estrogen, progesterone drop.

And estrogen is really important for things like muscle mass,

strength, coordination.

[Birndorf] Those of us who are perfectionistic

or type A's struggle the most,

because somehow you're gonna get it right.

Like, you can do motherhood like you did your job.

You're super competent at that,

and you're gonna do it right here, too. Ehh!

Hard hit.

[Bellenbaum] This experience comes with

an enormous amount of joy.

These moments that you can't even describe.

Like, they're full-body experiences.

[Koa coos]

There's also an enormous amount of grieving.

I miss my sense of control, I miss my flexibility,

I miss my spontaneity, I miss me.

We can feel two completely different feelings,

we can have two completely different thoughts,

or ten, all at the same time.

[Kimmy] We've had to give up a lot of what makes us who we are.

Personally, it's taken so much away from me.

I'm dealing with a different body. I'm not as strong.

I just don't trust that if I wasn't breastfeeding,

it wouldn't even be an issue.

I don't know if I'm willing to sacrifice that.

Like, I want to be out there, but he comes first.

It's not making it easier on our relationship.

I want you to be productive.

Then it's like, I have a career, too.

So even if I pump away from home,

I have to have a milk supply when I get home.

It's like you just don't understand.

I do understand.

I just feel like I have to give up.

[sighing]

[Chris] I'm trying to encourage her as much as I can,

trying to make sure Koa is priority number one,

but at the same time, we're paying to be here,

we have our filmer here, we have a lot of responsibility,

and I need to continue doing my job.

[camera person over radio] Three, two, one...

Go back up and do it again.

[Chris] I know she doesn't mean it

when she doesn't wanna snowboard anymore.

I just can't read what she really wants,

and I don't think she knows what she wants.

And then we have a whole new dynamic

with having a nanny here,

and the reality is is Kimmy's had some really tough times

as a child with a caregiver,

and so she's been terrified to leave Koa with anyone.

-[Koa crying] -I love you so much.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Yeah. Sorry, Koa!

[Koa continues crying]

[Bridgette cooing]

[pensive music]

[Bolden] So much happens that no one can see.

So many things are brought up that you try to avoid.

Our children are our mirrors,

and so anything you didn't deal with before,

you're gonna eventually have to deal with it with your child.

[singing]

[man] Is that all?

[Kimmy] My family was supposed to be my safe place,

but one specific person was dangerous.

My first memory with him was at a family gathering.

[Judy] I feel I have to take advantage

of being able to do this while somebody's watching Kimmy.

[Kimmy] He had me hold his hand and walk down a hallway,

left the door cracked,

and I sat in his lap and read a book.

But what was happening wasn't reading.

He was molesting kids.

And it happened to me.

[young Kimmy giggling]

[Judy] Spent the whole morning in the pool.

[Kimmy] It went on for at least five years in different ways.

My mom would ask me if anything had ever happened with him,

but I always said no.

♪

[Bellenbaum] Once we become a mother,

we bring all of these ghosts into the nursery with us.

Even if I make sense of that experience

and heal from that experience,

that all comes rushing back in.

[Koa wailing]

I am incredibly afraid that the same thing

is gonna happen to him or her.

It's nearly impossible.

[Birndorf] When we look at women who have got money or fame

or beauty or whatever it is...

There's, like, three ounces of milk in the fridge.

[Birndorf] ...it's sort of natural to think, "Well,

they must have it all together."

But we're all fair game.

You can't buy your way out of it.

[Kimmy] I was having such deep levels of anxiety.

I was losing myself.

[Bolden] You can't do your work well

if you're trying to protect your child.

All day, you're not trusting yourself,

you're not feeling supported.

So you're no longer working off skill,

you're working off emotion. That's always dangerous.

[tense music]

[Chris on phone] How'd you break it?

[Kimmy] I hit a tree with my hand.

I was doing a big turn for a photo.

It's going to be okay,

but I have to go home to get surgery.

So now this begins the process of me and Koa

getting home with my wrist broken.

[chuckling] What are you doing?

I was relieved.

[chuckling] Pulling my hair.

It bought me a little bit of time.

It's also the second anniversary of my mom's passing,

and so the irony of it is pretty unbelievable.

When I hit the tree with my hand and when that all happened,

it was basically the exact time that she passed away.

So for some reason I got a smack on the wrist.

[soft guitar music]

I always saw my mom as somebody who could do it all.

She never made me feel like she was stressed or overwhelmed.

Not having her...

I have nobody to talk to about all this that I'm feeling.

When she was passing away, she said, "Are you sure

you've asked me everything you want to ask me?"

If I could give her a list now...

♪

[Athan] When we lose the elder mothers,

we lose that transmission of wisdom.

We're in a capitalist, individualistic culture.

It disperses us.

That's the problem with motherhood in Western society.

It's too isolating.

Our family members and our friends

are scattered far and wide.

In order for the mother to give to her young,

she needs to be held too.

But who's holding the mother?

[music fades]

-[Chris] Hey, bubba. -Want Dada?

Yeah. It's time for bed, huh?

Ooh, hi.

-What's your daddy doing? -New garage.

Look, we're mounting skis.

That's a binding.

This is the cap to the wood glue.

You like caps. This is an Allen wrench.

Yeah, it's pretty neat.

We don't eat it. [chuckling]

[Kimmy] I got a call from my team manager at Burton

for a spring photo shoot, and it was gonna be

the most ambitious trip that I had ever said yes to.

Chris was coming with me...

-[Chris] Nicely done. -...to be with Koa.

That was gonna make me feel

so much more confident in the mountains.

I wanted to try again.

But immediately, I felt like I had made the wrong decision.

[wind whistling]

It's gonna be a bit aggressive, I think.

We're in the Arctic.

-It's cold. -And we have a baby.

-We like the cold. -I was expecting to see,

like, a big old boat.

Hmm, not so much.

Hopefully we brought enough clothes for him.

Did we bring enough clothes for you?

The captain said, "We've never had a 13-month-old

on the boat, but you're welcome to bring him."

[wind howling]

Just wondering if we got a little bit over our heads.

We maxed out the boat, so every ounce of space is taken.

They're like, "Just pack really light."

You can't do that with a baby.

-[Koa crying] -[wind whistling]

Maybe I should just get back on a flight.

Should I get back on a flight?

[wailing]

Should I send Chris back on the flight?

[Koa screeches]

[Chris] The boat was smaller than we expected.

We were in tight quarters,

[overlapping chatter]

...surrounded by the Arctic Ocean

with a child that just learned how to walk.

Plus, it's 24 hours of sunlight,

14 hours north of the most north city in Norway.

What happened?

How are we gonna do this?

[seabirds squawking]

What do you see? Ice.

Yeah, it's potato. Turns out you don't like potato.

I've tried to feed it to you many times.

Do you like blueberries?

So excited. It looks really fun.

[Chris] You are one hungry child.

What else can I feed you?

We're running out of options here, kiddo.

Have you given him a pouch?

There's lots of pouches. There's oatmeal.

This guy.

Doesn't know what to feed our child.

-[Chris blowing raspberry] -[Koa cooing]

One of the first lines while we're in Norway...

Let me just set the stage.

I remember hiking this line.

It was first thing in the morning,

and I had to go to the bathroom.

We get to this little safety spot,

and I tell the crew, "I'll meet you guys at the top."

What they didn't know is that I had already shit my pants.

Not a contained shit.

It was down my leggings.

It was... a mess.

And all I could keep thinking was,

"I still have to fucking make it to the top, ride back down,

"somehow clean my pants," because I only have one pair of pants.

So I'm, like, using baby wipes.

I'm, like, cleaning this stuff out.

I'm trying to cover it up in snow.

They're like, "You good?"

I'm so good.

[Chris] What's your funny story?

I cannot put it on camera.

I have to tell you something so gnarly.

-Babe. -[Chris] Mid-mountain deuce.

-[laughing] -It was awesome.

I'm proud. I was proud of Kimmy.

We don't talk about anything that goes on down there.

Leaking, pooping, bowel function, prolapse.

All these things are not sexy.

But they're common, and we need to be more compassionate

and patient with ourselves when it comes to healing.

[interviewer] It can only go up from there.

No, it only goes down.

["Different Today" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs playing]

♪ Oh, how the world keeps on spinning ♪

♪ It goes spinning out of control ♪

♪ How the world keeps on spinning ♪

♪ It goes spinning out of control ♪

♪ How the world keeps on spinning ♪

♪ It goes spinning out of control ♪

♪ How the world keeps on spinning ♪

♪ It goes spinning, yeah ♪

[Kimmy] Oh, my gosh. Look at that fresh bread.

Koa, you pop that open for me, little buster?

[overlapping chatter]

[Chris] Come here, dude.

-[Koa cooing] -Yeah.

We had a really cozy bed for him in the bathroom,

and he slept, like, 12 hours.

You must just feel like he's still in the belly or something.

The swaying and the rocking of the boat.

This is the first time in his whole life that he had slept

through the night and slept that long.

I think we're gonna be okay.

[Chris] Mom doesn't know I'm sneaking out.

We have some code words.

Gary needs an ice cream.

[Dean] Gary needs an ice cream.

♪

-[Koa exclaiming] -[chuckling]

[Kimmy] Not having any connection to the outside world,

it just makes it really easy to be here.

I have a journal that I've sat down out here

to start writing in it, and my pen died.

And I was like, "Okay. I guess it's just time to just chill."

[Birndorf] Working jobs and having kids,

there is a feeling like, "I'm trying to do

both these things at the same time, and I'm failing at both."

But I just think it's a setup and a trap.

You can't do everything well.

Time is finite.

If you've only got an hour with your kid every day, be there.

Where's the tiger?

-There. -Those are penguins.

[Birndorf] People think that happiness is a destination,

but joy, happiness, those are moments of time.

-[laughing] -[Koa cooing]

♪ It goes spinning, yeah ♪

♪

[giggling]

[Chris] That was probably the closest we'll ever get

to the old adage that "It takes a village."

Here she goes!

Hello, my little love.

You were saying "Mom" the whole way down,

and she gets here, and you don't get excited?

-Hey, monkey! -"Hi, Mama!"

-[shutter clicking] -[man] Flat light, you know.

[Koa crying]

[all laughing]

Mama's boy.

That's what I need. I just need more of that.

Just had to take coming to the Arctic.

[chuckling]

As soon as I got service,

I had this overwhelming amount of messages.

There was a huge conversation happening

about how protections for maternity were changing.

[pensive music]

Alysia Montaño wrote an op-ed about an inequality

in pregnancy with track and field athletes.

In response, Donna came forward that she was changing

all women's contracts at Burton to include maternity care.

[Donna] I was so grateful to Kimmy.

She forced us to confront this issue.

You cannot underestimate the power of a role model.

A young woman has to see herself, and the next generation

is going to have the example of Kimmy Fasani.

[Chris] "This has been the biggest year of learning"

"and adapting and slowing down in my life," Mama says.

You got water on Mama's story.

-[Koa babbling] -Oops.

[Kimmy] My intention was never to be a pioneer.

We're gonna go snowboarding!

-[Koa babbling] No! -[Kimmy] You don't want to?

We're gonna go meet all the other little kids.

You wanna go meet all the little kids?

[Koa crying]

-I promise you'll have fun... -[Koa screaming]

Wait, hold on.

[Koa wailing]

We're almost there.

[Koa crying]

All of a sudden, I'm changing women's snowboarding.

Everybody thinks I'm doing it all.

[Koa crying]

But in the real world...

[Koa crying]

Do you wanna help make this stop?

Every day is a challenge.

I'm not superwoman.

[sighs]

[Athan] The biggest healing that was given to adolescents

was to tell them, "You can become anything"

you want when you grow up.

For mothers, we've been given a close-ended process.

You need to become this mother.

[Bellenbaum] No human can live up to this procured expectation

that society has formulated for us.

And so what ends up happening is we feel so bad about ourselves.

"Should I be doing this? Who am I?

Is it okay that I'm this person?"

We lose our core.

[Thornton] Your definition of yourself starts to change.

Your perspective starts to shift, and many people

don't understand how encompassing it can be.

[Athan] We usually silence around things

that are complicated, uncomfortable.

And silencing around motherhood is very commonplace,

because what you want to talk about is the hard stuff.

But if you were to speak up...

we might wonder if you're okay.

Look, that's a nine.

That's a nine.

I'll ski for a little bit, and then I'll fly out to Denver.

Yeah, I have an art show on the 28th.

[man] Do you think you'll be able to fit all that in?

[Chris] Yeah, we can make anything work,

but it's a completely separate job,

-and it's so much work for me. -One, two, three.

[man] Well, we need to find some time...

Green light.

Run, run, run, run, run!

Now that Koa was a little more independent,

there was a little bit more freedom for me.

I had an opportunity to be on a couple trips that winter,

and one of them was back in Alaska.

And I was looking forward to that.

You wanna go back to Daddy?

[Chris] At the same time, I was presented

with the biggest project of my career by far,

and I had to jump on it.

[shutter clicking]

This is all just, like, coming at me full speed,

and so I'm just trying to make everything happen.

[man, over phone] The project keeps growing, and growing

-and growing. Yeah. -Yes, exactly.

"Generally, how it works, is when the sun is out,

it's daytime, and we do stuff.

The rest of the time is night."

Chris has so many moving parts right now.

I just feel like he's stretched really thin.

Chris was planning a film,

and it was taking him across the world.

I would never want to be the one that says, "You cannot do this."

I get it, but we were not on the same path.

[Koa, crying] Yeah.

[Kimmy] I was being put in the position of,

"This is what you do."

-Let me get your water. -Water!

Mama has a sore throat, so she doesn't want you to drink

out of my water, but you can have this.

[crying]

Soup!

-You want soup right now? -Yeah.

-Do you want tea instead? -Yeah.

-[Kimmy] You want some tea? -Soup. Soup.

-I'm sorry. -[Kimmy] You're saying sorry?

-No! -No?

Months went by.

[Koa giggling]

[Kimmy] I was just waiting.

[Koa babbling]

-You want to read it now? -No.

Okay, I'll hold that.

-No, Mama. -Do you want me to move?

-Yeah. -Okay.

But there was so much joy, because I was home with Koa...

Woo! Wow!

...and it felt isolating, and lonely.

Your hands are cold. We should probably go in soon, okay?

Confusing, really.

[Chris, over phone] So I made it here pretty quick.

[Kimmy] I wanted that freedom,

that freedom that I saw Chris have.

I was envious of his freedom.

[soft guitar music]

[Thornton] Women and mothers carry a much higher mental load.

Even couples who have the best intentions

on splitting things equally slip into these same patterns.

Society just puts a lot more parental expectation

on women and mothers.

[Athan] The self-sacrificing mother is a trope

that is also problematic.

You're supposed to do it in a masochistic way,

and enjoy it the whole time.

It's actually a grief process.

That time of me, mine, I, that's done.

I need to start making moves.

Watch a movie.

No, you're not watching a movie.

[screaming] Watch a movie!

-That's not a very nice voice. -[man on phone] Hello?

Mama's trying to work, too.

Would you like an apple?

-Please. -Thank you, Koa.

Can I have a big kiss? That was so sweet.

[giggling]

[Kimmy] I see Chris just nonstop,

moving, going, always saying yes.

[Chris laughing]

[Chris] It frustrates her that I can't say no.

What she doesn't understand

is how much I actually do say no to.

I have to head out of town, so I don't have all day, but...

She wants me to throw my phone out the window, but...

This is me...

Through this whole process,

I wanted it to be an experiential thing.

...and it's always been me.

[Bolden] The first three years of having a child

is the hardest on any couple.

You're in a stressful time like no other.

[Zhang] What should happen is that stress gets processed.

It gets moved.

In the wild, animals shake their bodies.

They move.

But if you don't do that, it's more of like a shutdown.

You're just dissociated as a way to cope.

For many women, postpartum depression is the thing

that they're not realizing that they're experiencing.

♪

I wouldn't be who I am without what I do.

You know, I... I don't just snowboard because it's cool.

I snowboard because it's what I love.

It's also the thing that helps me deal with hard moments.

So, going to Alaska is something that...

the last time I was there was when my mom died,

and it was so healing.

♪

[Koa babbling]

[Chris] Hi!

-Dada. -Muah!

Here's where Dada was.

I flew all the way right here, and you live right here.

See how far I traveled?

[Kimmy] It's really hard to find the balance between

two people that are super passionate about what they do.

Or if one person really does have to give all of that up.

If you had any suggestions

on how you want to see February line up, or...

and I know you can't create plans. That's...

[Chris] Well, what are we working towards, like...?

[Kimmy] I'm just trying to see... Okay, so...

And it's just asking ourselves, are we happy?

I'm just trying to make a plan so that I have an answer.

Anything I say isn't what you want to hear, so...

-[Kimmy] You're such a jerk. -How am I such a jerk?

I'm playing devil's advocate.

It always blows up into everything,

you know, like, our whole...

life together.

We throw the word around...

the divorce word,

and I'm dealing with so much of my own,

and becoming a father.

Everything feels...

Is it yummy?

...personal.

[Kimmy] How hard are we willing to push...

in our own directions?

And what's going to break first?

[smart system voice] Pardon?

Delete Chris's phone.

-[smart system voice] Pardon? -Whatever. Just leave it.

-Chris's phone. -[smart system voice] Pardon?

[Koa babbling]

[Kimmy] I needed to be back on my board,

so that I could be a better mother.

I was going to take Koa on a trip,

and I leaned into having a nanny.

That was my option.

And yet, I still doubted that my child would be okay

-in somebody else's care. -[Koa giggling]

[wind whooshing]

I left Koa and our nanny, so that I could film with the crew.

As soon as I walked back into the room,

Koa is really pale, and pretty lethargic.

I take him in to a clinic.

The nurse is like,

"If he doesn't pee by the end of the night,

take him to the emergency room."

He doesn't pee.

And I get to the emergency room,

and a woman looks at me blank in the face and says,

"We have to get your child out of here immediately.

He is extremely sick."

Mama. Mama.

Mama.

-[Kimmy] It's okay. -Mama, no.

-Mama. -[Kimmy] Koa has kidney failure.

[somber music]

Chris jumped on the first flight he could,

and they started dialysis on Koa,

just hoping that his body would go into self-rescue.

[Chris] It felt like we were going to lose our child.

[Koa coughing]

[Chris] I just detached from anything else.

[Kimmy] All the busyness stopped.

We never meant to jeopardize him.

To think that I'm trying to go snowboarding,

and my kid almost dies.

I would've never forgiven myself.

[nurse] Come on, keep holding it.

[Chris] It was a reminder to what is important in life.

-That goes right there. -That does go right there.

[Kimmy] It was three weeks

that we were in the hospital with Koa,

and we got really lucky.

The dialysis worked.

They feel like it was a link to bacteria

like E. coli, or salmonella.

And Koa was able to recover.

[Chris] How about this?

Koa.

[Kimmy] Whoa!

Oh, man, how many do you see?

Oh, that was a good one.

-One, two, three. -[Chris] Pop, pop, pop.

-[Chris] I'm gonna get ya! -[Koa screaming]

[Chris] I'm gonna get ya!

[all laughing]

[Chris growling]

-Did we get him? -Yeah.

-Did he get you? -Yeah.

-Should we go hide? -Boo!

-Can you say boo? -Boo.

Boo!

[Chris imitating an engine thrumming]

[Bellenbaum] Motherhood is so rife

with "shoulds" and "supposed tos".

Convincing ourselves that we should

and are supposed to be showing up in all these different ways.

Where's Mama and Dada going?

Working.

-We're going to go working? -Yeah.

Where are we going? Is it a place called Alaska?

Alaska.

I'll see you in Reno.

Drive safe. I love you so much.

[Bellenbaum] But a lot of the pressures that we feel,

we do put on our self.

Watermelon, obviously. He'll be psyched.

It was already hard enough for me to leave,

but it was the end of the season.

So, I really wanted to try one last time,

and at that time, it wasn't safe for Koa to travel.

Just stay up on hand-washing,

with this whole coronavirus thing.

[woman] Mammoth is closed until further notice.

[Kimmy] They just closed the Canada border, too.

[woman] It's crazy, crazy in town, but...

Yeah.

It's a long way home.

I have to trust her.

-I do trust her. -If you feel 100%.

Of course, I can't say I feel 100%.

I'm trying to let go of it,

because there's nothing I can do.

I need to do my job. I keep bailing on my job.

And I have to be here. I want to be here.

I want you to be here.

That's why I'm trying to figure it out myself,

of getting out of here.

[Kimmy] I'm very grateful that Chris is going home.

Dada.

And I am choosing to stay in Alaska.

It's a tug-of-war with your heart.

Oh!

[Chris] Zoom!

The general consensus within our group

is that everyone's gonna stay.

I feel like I'm being pulled,

but I can't tell which way I'm being pulled.

I love you.

[Koa] I love you, too.

[Kimmy] You're supposed to leave that side of you

when you show up in the mountains.

[majestic music]

Selfishly, I want to be here, and I want to snowboard.

The other selfish part of me really wants to be home,

in Mammoth, with my son, and Chris.

And if we're all together,

it's like, that's all that matters.

[Birndorf] There's a multiple-lane highway

in your head, the minute you become a parent.

You have to find a way to make peace

with what your choices are.

And that sounds a hell of a lot easier than it is.

[Chris, on phone] I don't think you'll get stuck forever.

I know. And that's what's hard.

It's like, I don't want to be sitting here, selfish.

It's almost like forcing that choice

of family first,

which, obviously, is first.

[somber music]

[sighs heavily]

I'm home, and we're gonna be on lockdown.

There's a stay-at-home ordinance happening

in Mammoth, for a while.

They're saying, like, confine, isolate yourself for two weeks.

So we'll have a lot of family time between now and then.

[Kimmy] Can I take a photo of you?

[Koa] Can't do it.

I think you just did it.

-Can you show me again? -I don't know.

Can you slip into your bindings?

Can we try to get your straps on?

Yeah.

Hi, buddy.

[gentle music]

-[Koa] Yeah! -Oh, stomp it.

Yeah.

[Chris] Oh!

Four-week old.

Trying to go take a couple runs.

It's still proving to be quite the balancing act.

I'm gonna have my snorkel on.

It used to always be about, like, first chair.

Now it's just, can I get out of the house?

Can I get out of the house?

[Chris] Do you think you can get out of the house?

[Kimmy] There was a rekindling with Chris and I.

-There was a healing. -[both laughing]

We were spending the most time we had ever spent together.

Hey, Mommy, yeah.

[Chris] We found peace and joy,

and all these wonderful things happened.

♪

[Koa] Puzzles.

I'm gonna do a puzzle.

Can you give Zeppelin a big kiss?

Mm!

Can you just give him a nose snuggy?

[Koa giggles] Snuggles.

[Kimmy] We didn't have plans on the horizon.

We got 13, five.

[Kimmy] It felt so right.

Powder day.

10:30.

Babies, they know when their mom leaves the house.

So, I wouldn't be surprised if I get a call soon.

But at least I know this time around.

Now it's just more cherished to be able to get one run.

One run feels like a million.

[gentle music]

[Athan] Matrescence, while the starting point might be clear,

the end point isn't clear.

It happens again, and again, with every child.

It may last a lifetime.

[laughing]

[Athan] And so we bring in the image of the spiral,

meaning we might return to the same ground,

but on a different level.

[Kimmy] It's almost like we're back in the same place,

but totally different people.

If we learned all of that in three years,

what are we going to learn now?

[Chris] Mom, look out!

-Snow ball attack! -[Kimmy] Oh, no!

Oh, no!

They've identified this blanket term

of inflammatory breast cancer, but now they're gonna...

see what hormones attach to it,

and then that's going to identify the exact type.

-[Chris] Mm-hmm. -[Kimmy sighs]

It's just not what we were... set up for this season.

It was small,

right on the edge of my chest,

and I associated the lump in my breast

to clogged milk ducts.

It never even crossed my mind.

[pump whirring]

I remember doing a self-check,

feeling that lump,

and then moving into my armpit, and stopping.

There was a pea-sized, rock-hard nodule.

[slow, acoustic guitar instrumental]

That was Saturday.

Monday at 9 a.m., I saw a breast specialist.

The doctor said, "You have inflammatory breast cancer.

Stop breastfeeding immediately."

[babbling]

[Kimmy] This type of cancer is really aggressive.

[Chris] You like that? Mm!

[Kimmy] You're gonna have to be in chemo as fast as possible.

All I wanted was a pause button.

A silver car!

-Red car! Red car! -Red... nice one.

[Koa] Silver car! Silver truck!

♪

You already can't handle

the amount of shit you have to do,

so why not add on that you have to move again?

Not using that this year.

[clattering]

[Chris] She did all of the right things.

She's healthy, she takes care of her body.

I wish it were me in her place.

She's given my life value and purpose.

Yeah, Koa asked specifically that we bring those.

[laughs]

[Chris] I would be devastated to lose my partner.

Can you tell me what's wrong?

I just don't want her to be gone.

[Chris] But I just wish nothing more than

that our children get their mother.

This was actually a bag of pens that my mom had.

For some reason, she had, like, a million.

So any time I need a new pen,

I just come down, and see what she had.

But I haven't even had time to go through and, like...

separate myself from her life.

Now I'm trying to separate myself from my own life.

When my mom was diagnosed, she knew all the facts.

I mean, only 2.4% of breast cancers are inflammatory.

This is not something that I see even once a year. This is...

[Kimmy] She had witnessed enough people going through chemo...

and she knew what she was going to do.

I watched my mom go through this.

I watched my dad go through this.

And it's just so hard to imagine that I'm doing this now.

It makes me sad.

It makes me sad for my boys.

[doctor] So what I can do is put you on Wednesday,

which is December 1st, does that work for you?

Um, Wednesday.

[doctor] Would you be able to come to our...

My mom told me that she was taking the end-of-life drugs...

and my whole world just collapsed.

I packed my bags...

drove through a blizzard...

and it was once again just her and I.

Embarking on this journey of end-of-life.

-It's go time. -[Chris] Yeah, farewell.

[Kimmy] It's gonna be a lot lighter.

[laughing]

Don't get 'em mixed up with the good hair.

-[woman laughing] -Oh!

-Whoa! -[laughing]

You do look wonderful.

[Kimmy] Did you know that every living thing

is made up of tiny little guys called cells?

They make hearts pump, lungs breathe.

[Zepplin laughing]

[Chris] He's coming to the cancer party!

He's coming to the cancer party!

But every once in a while,

one of the cells forgets what its job is.

And since it doesn't know what else to do,

it decides to have a...

-[Zepplin babbling] -...party!

Before long, it's a big party.

[waves crashing]

[gentle, somber music]

[nurse] Okay, so I'm going to spray you a lot today, Kimmy.

And then going forward, if you don't wanna watch...

["Bad Kingdom" by May The Muse and Robot Koch]

♪ Here it ends ♪

♪ No one's gonna shed a tear ♪

♪ No need to shout ♪

♪ Just to stand the silence ♪

[Kimmy] That's where the medicine went into Mama.

Isn't that cool?

Do you have a hole there now?

Yeah, see?

♪ Well spent time ♪

♪ In the early morning's haze ♪

♪ You sit and wait ♪

♪ Watching full glasses through blank eyes ♪

♪ This is not what you wanted ♪

We have to go get Mommy on the airplane before she's late.

How do we shut the cancer party down? How?

Well, I have to keep going to the doctor.

♪ This is not what you wanted ♪

-[sobbing] -It's okay.

I just got out of the shower, and...

I'm losing my hair.

[Chris] How are you feeling?

-[Kimmy] Okay. -[Zepplin grunting]

You want what?

You're trying to get Koa's spoon, I know.

[Zepplin crying]

What? Okay. Oh look, he's sharing. Oh, thanks.

He'll give it back soon.

[Athan] Parenting in the best of times, it's a challenge.

There's just not a lot of room for things to go wrong.

[Thornton] Sometimes you're just like,

I'm just gonna go through the day and try to survive.

[Koa] Mommy!

[Bolden] But then, that emotional connection to a child

is life-sustaining.

Your hair is so prickly.

[Bellenbaum] Your bandwidth is stretched.

Real motherhood is all of the feelings, all of the thoughts.

♪ This is not what you wanted ♪

We're washing all this 'cause Zeppy's sick, so we're gonna...

Mommy can't get sick, so this is a big deal.

-Ask me to do stuff. -How... How would I ask you?

What do you mean, you don't know how to ask me?

Mom, I thought we were going to that market.

Yeah, I would love to. I'm just stressed out.

-I don't know. -[Zepplin screaming]

This is not a hard issue.

Excuse me? I want that, too!

-[Zepplin sobbing] -Nobody wants to help me.

When I ask for some help...

-This is torture. -[Koa screaming joyfully]

-Just fucking take me. -[boys screaming joyfully]

Mommy! Mommy!

[Kimmy shouting in pain]

Hey, Mom, just...

I'm just wanting you to hold my feet.

I understand, honey, it just really hurts

when you kick my tummy.

♪

[utensils clattering]

♪

[music slows down]

Ah!

[Zepplin babbling]

Do you want to help me make some food?

-No. -No.

[Koa giggling]

Leg rest.

[giggling]

Do you think I should climb up that tree?

I mean, do you want to?

-Yeah. -Okay.

[Kimmy] During those last days with my mom,

neither of us could sleep well.

So, we would go watch the sun rise.

We would talk, we would share stories.

Isn't that cool?

It was like being a kid again.

We had no schedule.

All we knew is that we wanted to be together.

And I asked my mom,

"How am I gonna know when you come back to visit me?"

She's like, "Oh, honey, I'm gonna be ringing bells so loud."

So cool!

And then, it was just time.

[solemn acoustic guitar instrumental]

On the morning my mom died, she was meditating.

She did not want to die in pain.

She wanted to die on a joyous night...

Whoa!

[Kimmy] ...after watching X Games.

With her closest friends and family around.

Oh, he's taking the stuff.

[Kimmy] She wasn't scared.

Yeah! Whoa!

[Kimmy] She was ready.

I was not ready.

[Young Kimmy in video] Come on, Mommy.

[Judy] Okay, I gotta get my skates on still.

I just want to take your picture a little bit.

[Kimmy] I remember holding her wrist, and feeling her pulse.

If I said, "I love you,"

her pulse would get stronger.

And I said, "It's okay to let go."

It would get fainter.

Thank you, Mom.

[Judy] You're welcome.

[Kimmy] And I felt like I was in this...

synchronicity with her.

[somber music]

And she let go.

[Athan] The mother,

though in body she may not be here...

she is very much internalized,

and we're talking to her the whole time.

We will live on in our own children in the same way.

With each generation, I consider it a baton pass.

Not like, "Here, you take it,"

but more like, "This is as far as I can get.

Now you take it a little bit further."

[soft instrumental]

♪

[Judy] Pure joy...

is pure observation.

Pure joy...

is mindful balance.

He doesn't mind. [laughs]

[Judy] Pure joy is total acceptance.

♪

Pure joy is peaceful completeness.

♪

Pure joy is loving kindness.

Pure joy is right here, right now.

Cheers.

[giggling]

♪

Balance on one foot.

[giggling]

♪

[gong dinging]

[cheering, applause]

♪

[Judy] Such a beautiful day.

Yeah!

[Koa laughing]

[Judy] The sun's coming up.

The world's turning pretty quickly.

♪

[Kimmy] We're surfing.

Do you see your Daddy?

[Kimmy] Most people thought I was crazy

when I said I was going back to a competitive snowboard event.

I'd just finished treatment, but...

I wanted to feel like myself.

[Chris] What's your favorite thing about Mommy?

-Cuddling! -Cuddling!

[giggling]

[Chris] How about you?

Do you want to say, "I love my Mommy?"

Ta-da!

[Chris] There you go.

I love you guys.

I miss you.

[Chris] We love you, dear.

[Kimmy] I'm still not sold that

I am capable of being a pro snowboarder and a mom.

But I believe we can do...

more than we think we can.

-Good morning. -Morning.

[man] Hey.

[Kimmy] Regardless of when I leave my kids,

I feel uncomfortable.

But it's a feeling I've learned how to sit with.

And I want my kids to bear witness to passion.

I want them to be able to ground themselves

in whatever makes them happy.

[hum of excited chatter]

-[woman] Right here? -[woman 2] I think so.

[director] Ready, full.

Take full.

Welcome to the 2023 Natural Selection Tour.

And we got 12 of the world's best snowboarders

that are going to take to this course.

[announcer] Incredible!

Alaska is always that place

that really puts riders to the test,

both mentally and physically.

[hopeful music]

[Athan] When I was being trained,

I was very interested in women who survived cancers.

If you survive a death-defying experience,

you're confronted with your mortality.

And you start to have a real reorientation,

a real mind change.

♪

[announcer] Kimmy Fasani up next,

a household name in snowboarding.

And this incredibly talented rider

is beginning a new chapter in her career.

[announcer 2] Moms don't get the credit that they deserve.

[announcer] Talk about real-world inspiration.

[announcer 3] I spoke with Kimmy before, and she was

asking herself, "Am I ready?"

Am I physically ready to get back at this?

And her ultimate thought was, are we ever really ready?

[Athan] We were curious whether that change would happen

with not only death-defying experiences,

but life-affirming experiences.

Like having children.

Whether that's through adoption, surrogacy, step-parenting,

a child can come into our life in many different ways.

And when I started talking to parents,

I heard the same story of this both-and experience,

tension of the opposites,

the deep grief,

the loss of the previous life as they knew it.

But also, this transformation.

They were getting deeper, and wider,

and better as humans.

We gotta cheer her on. It's live.

Here goes Mama.

[joyful music]

I don't think I'll be the best version of myself

until the day I die.

♪

[announcer] Look at that angle.

Oh, my gosh, that is so gnarly.

[announcer 3] Kimmy Fasani, in her element right now.

[announcer] Whoa, that was absolutely massive.

[Athan] This process of giving the self over...

to symbolic death and rebirth,

is the adventure. It's heroic.

♪

[announcer] It's one of the most incredible comebacks

in snowboarding history.

[Kimmy] Oh, my God, that was so fun!

Holy shit.

I mean, sugar.

[sighs]

-[children laughing distantly] -[Chris] Ha! Got it! Ha! Ha!

[Kimmy] Here, get me! Get me!

[Chris] Yeah, that might even...

-[giggling] -Aah! Get it!

[Chris] Oh! Oh, no!

-I got it! -Slam! Great, kiddo!

[wind chimes ringing melodically]

[all laughing]

[wind chimes grow louder]

["Butterfly" by Lily Meola plays]

♪ All of the time that we took for granted ♪

♪ Thinking tomorrow's just another day ♪

♪ Sun on your face with the windows open ♪

♪ I never got the chance to say ♪

♪ I know your wings are getting heavy ♪

♪ You can let go when you're ready ♪

♪ To fly ♪

♪ Fly ♪

♪ I know we'll meet between heaven and the sky ♪

♪ I... ♪

♪ I'll try ♪

♪ I'm gonna try to find the good after goodbye ♪

♪ Butterfly ♪

♪ You come down to visit your favorite flower ♪

♪ Catching the wind in the light of day ♪

♪ You keep sending me bittersweet reminders ♪

♪ Signs you're never really far away ♪

♪ You know I will always need you ♪

♪ I feel better when I see you ♪

♪ Fly ♪

♪ Fly ♪

♪ I know we'll meet between heaven and the sky ♪

♪ I... ♪

♪ I'll try ♪

♪ I'm gonna try to find the good after goodbye ♪

♪ Butterfly ♪

♪ Butterfly ♪

♪ Fly ♪

♪ 'Til next time ♪

♪ Butterfly ♪

♪ Butterfly ♪

♪ Fly ♪

♪ 'Til next time ♪

♪ Butterfly ♪