Original subtitles

It's an absolute natural for a babe with your talents.

You never said anything about Trey weird.

I can't guarantee how sexy the shots are gonna be.

Listen, there's a million guys out there waiting to get off with your pictures.

Mm -hmm.

Uh -huh. So you bring me back something hot and fantastic, or don't bother

coming back at all.

Right. Ciao.

Crawl back under your rock.

Okay, ladies.

Let's see what's behind door number one.

Wow, totally goth. It's like Vlad the Impaler's condo.

Maybe we could use that as the theme for the shoot.

Wow, isn't there anybody else in this mausoleum? If so, they've probably been

dead for a hundred years.

Oh, that would be very, very ultra cool.

Well, before the Bride of Frankenstein over here loses herself completely, I've

got two questions.

Are we still getting paid, and when do we get naked?

Right now.

Give me a little more of that.

Good. Keep going.

Use the space.

Hold the romance.

Why? It was just getting good.

Well, for you, not for me. I've shot this a thousand times.

You've done it a thousand times.

Hey, I haven't been in this business that long.

No, I know what she means.

I mean, we've got this great place. Let's take advantage of it.

Let's get something wild and mysterious.

Hey, are you saying that I look old enough to have done this a thousand

Jill, your beauty is eternal.

So let's find an interesting place to show it off.

More like it.

I bet you were the first people down here in a hundred years.

Yes, since the evil count had his way with the village harlot. Right here on

this stone -cold floor. She was loving every minute of it. If we get any of

you just said on film, we will be immortalized in the pages of the

Yeah, until the whack -off issue comes out.

Thanks for bringing me back to Earth.

See if you can do the thing for your friends.

I want to find some props.

Now, what'd you find?

I'm not sure. Some old clothes or something we can use.

I thought we didn't need clothes for this job.

We need something to strip out of, don't you?

We've got just the thing.

What is that? It's a chastity belt.

Yeah, husbands used to lock their wives in them so they wouldn't screw around on

them. It'll be perfect for the shoot.

Oh, get that thing away from me.

It'll be great. Vicki will play your lover trying to rip the belt off.

Do you know how to take one of these things off? Nope, I have no idea.

Then you're going to have to wear it because I'm not taking any chances with

that thing.

Nobody has to take any chances.

I bet you this unlocks it.

By stars. I hope you're not dead.

Actually, I'm not sure.

Well, you certainly are the finest looking witch I've ever seen.

Thanks for the compliment.

And, uh, you're the finest looking, uh... What are you, anyway?

Oh, forgive me.

Marcus, appointed magician to the Queen's High Court. At your service.

I see.

That's great. Everyone should have a hobby. Wake up. Don't leave me alone

this loony.

Oh, I hate to disappoint you, but I'm not certifiably loony.

However, you three could be mistaken for witches.

Sounds cool to me.

Beyond goth.

Well, the law provides that all witches be burned and decapitated, my dear.

Very uncivilized.

I don't know if you set off a bomb or were hypnotized or what, but the joke is

over.

Where's my cell phone?

I am booking us on the first flight out of here. We're beating it back to Los

Angeles. Your speech fascinates me.

Where's my goddamn telephone?

I don't know what the telephone is, but I suspect it's some sort of a

communications device used by you witches. Is that true?

Okay. Bitches, Marcus, not witches.

And, uh, you know what? I hate to tell you guys this, but there's something

really weird going on here.

My roommate, best dominatrix in Orange County, she's got a huge collection of

ancient torture devices, ones that look just like this.

About what? These Inquisition devices were forged.

Just a few days ago.

Oh, the free train. What are you trying to say?

Welcome to the Goth Zone.

Marcus, you were summoned to court nearly half an hour ago. What are you

for? I have company.

What the devil are you talking about, you old fool?

Who are these three?

I thought they were witches come to entrance me. What? I was wrong.

These two are the new ladies -in -waiting for Princess Gwen, and this one

is the new serving witch.

Excuse me, that sounds like waitressing, and I don't do tables.

Shut up. The old guy's trying to save our hide.

All right.

Come with me. I'll deliver you and get you in some proper clothes.

As for you, you old fool, get to court before I have you beheaded.

You're too kind.

What amazing magic.

When we get back, my agent is going to sue you and Playpen Magazine and that

creep with the... Quiet, wench. You haven't been given speaking privilege.

Good job.

Move.

The Royal Highness awaits.

Hey!

Let me out of here, you jerk!

Carrie, please don't forget I'm in here.

Forgive me.

Hey, you're cute and you open the door. You're forgiven.

Hold it.

I'm here to see that you report for work in the kitchen.

Kitchen? I don't think so, Buster. My name is Adam and we have work to do.

Hey.

These ladies are expected.

You are expected, aren't you?

Absolutely.

Wow, playpen come to life. Tony would pay a fortune for this. This isn't the

Twilight Zone. This is the Orgasmo Zone.

Very goth. Very cool.

Your Highness?

It's okay.

Approach.

We're your new ladies -in -waiting.

Then please, come in and enjoy the bath.

Thank you.

Come on, Carrie, get in.

Find out how I feel for a change.

Smile. This is our lightest load.

Wherever Carrie and Vicki are, I hope they're having a lousy time.

You've been using the same arguments with me for years, Eric.

They didn't work then, and they won't work now.

You will not be Gwen.

And that is final.

I am not a child.

You cannot forbid me anything.

Don't overstep yourself, Prince.

I am still your queen, and you will obey my command.

No, you are my aunt, and you sit on the throne due to a fluke.

But I do sit on the throne, which makes my word law.

In all these years, you have never given me a reason but your hatred toward

Gwen. I don't owe my subjects reasons for the things I do.

I am not just a subject.

I am the next king. And Princess Gwen will not be the next queen.

You cannot enforce that order from the grave.

Are you threatening me? No,

I'm not threatening you.

Just remember that one day I will ascend the throne. And when I do, all the

decisions will be mine, not yours.

You and Gwen will be past caring by then.

Your Majesty, I leave.

These confrontations are so taxing.

Your queen needs her spirit rejuvenated.

Don't let supper hit the ground. You know what will happen.

I know. They'll throw me in the cellar and let the rats get me.

Oh, actually, I was thinking the cook would have to start all over again.

Who told you you'd be thrown in the dungeon?

That captain of the creeps told me that Her Majesty and her idiot nephew will

have me killed if I make any mistakes.

Hey, you're not a total dweeb.

Who are you, the butler or something?

The idiot nephew.

Oh, great.

Great. Well, go ahead and call in the guards or whatever you're going to do,

because I just don't care anymore.

Actually, I thought I'd carry this into the dining hall for you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm having the worst day I've ever had in my whole life, and this is

the worst place that I've ever been.

And I'm the waitress? I don't know how to be a waitress. I'm a model, not a

waitress.

And I don't know if I'm ever going to get out of this place or see anybody

I care about ever again.

I know how you feel.

That's crazy.

You should be free to love anyone you want.

I don't know where you come from, but here, the Queen's whim is law.

Times will change, Your Highness.

Yeah, but not fast enough.

You want to be with this guy, right?

He's all I think about.

Well, he is a prince.

If he was the Prince of Darkness, he'd be perfect. I wouldn't care if he were

the village blacksmith. I'd love him anyway.

Well, then you two should be together.

The Queen would rather see us jailed. Or dead.

Before Eric and I were together.

Well, what she doesn't know won't hurt you.

What are you thinking?

Just have a cool way for these two to screw their little brains out without

wicked queen finding out.

But it means we may have to get a little nasty.

Your primary duty is to make sure Prince Eric stays away from that strumpet,

Gwendolyn.

He's angry right now and just might try to defy me.

Is that my primary duty?

Watch it, Captain.

Today you're in my favor and tomorrow your head could be in a basket.

I'm fickle that way.

Yes, Your Majesty.

He must not get near that girl.

Wow, real castle intrigue. This is so cool.

Earth to Vicky. We don't belong here, remember?

We should be figuring out a way to get out of here, not getting mixed up in the

castle sex roulette.

Yeah, but the old magician said that we were ladies -in -waiting. So we wouldn't

get arrested.

We're from L .A. in the 90s, not Transylvania in the 1300s. We need help

not the prince and the princess.

Yeah, well, wait.

Maybe we can do both. We can talk to the old magician.

Oh, but act like witches.

I think Jones is on that thing big time.

Hey, magic man.

Oh, my two lovely sirens.

How goes it as ladies -in -waiting?

Wonderfully. Yeah, well, it's the first time we've had our clothes on in a

couple of hours.

Ah, I've always heard that the ladies at Princess Gwen got a bit randy.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Princess Gwen wants to be with Prince Eric.

Ah, yes.

Star -crossed lovers forever apart.

A tragedy orchestrated by the Queen.

Well, I want to see him together.

Can you help me get a message to Eric?

Why would you do such a thing?

I don't know.

I guess I'm just carried away by the romance of this place.

Totally got.

Totally cool.

Ah, whatever that means.

But I take it your friend here doesn't share your enthusiasm.

I miss home.

Oh, I understand.

But I'm touched by your gesture, and I will help you with your lover's plot.

And when this is all over, I'll see what I can do about helping you find your

way back to your own time and place.

That would be wonderful.

Ah, but with one condition.

What? That I may keep this wondrous, magical music box.

Zeppelin rules.

Marcus, you can rock your brains out.

My thanks, I think.

Now, what can I do for Gwendolyn?

What I need you to do is get a secret message to Eric to meet Gwen in the

garden.

Yes, but what about the captain of the guard?

Leave him to us. You just do your best magic.

Come on.

Yes, indeed.

Let's see. A message of love should be sweet, melodious, and as light as air.

So, let's use the air to carry it.

Your Highness, you shouldn't have to be bothering with this. It's no bother.

Hey, I'll take all the help I can get him. This guy's all right.

Fine. Then you'll take help from me and not the prince.

Again, a thousand apologies, sire.

Did you see that?

See what, sir?

Nothing. Carry on.

How did you get out?

Good friends.

You know what will happen if they find us.

Your Highness!

Her Majesty the Queen would like a word with you.

Wait. Wait.

Aren't you a lady -in -waiting of the princess?

you

Wait. Please don't go.

Didn't you enjoy watching us?

I will remember it for the rest of my life, which won't be long unless I get

back to my duties.

Oh, really? I wish you wouldn't.

We could go on.

You can join us.

You are a sweet and wild thing, but I'm afraid I would not be much good to you

right now.

Let me decide that for myself.

You little imp.

Why are you trying to keep me from my duties?

Oh, don't worry about me. Get back to your aunt before she finds out.

Go, you idiot, now.

Out of my way, Captain. I have business inside.

Let you do, Your Highness.

With Her Majesty.

I warned you what would happen if you defied me.

And somehow you did not hear me.

You don't want to do that, Eric.

Kill me rather than see me happy.

I'd rather see you dead than with that girl.

The choice is yours.

Yes, sir.

Your Highness.

No one goes in without my permission. Yes, Your Majesty.

Now, explain to your queen how you failed at the one task I gave you.

I was bewitched, Your Majesty.

And who bewitched you?

Ladies.

This isn't going to stop anything.

You're just hurting innocent people.

Innocent people from another time.

Tell them, Marcus. Tell them how you found us and that we don't belong here.

You've just confessed your witchcraft.

I don't even think of helping.

I really screwed us up, Royal.

Well, Marcus might still be able to help.

You know, something real gothic stuff is not as much fun as pretending.

You can say that again.

But if it means anything,

I wasn't pretending upstairs.

I was really turned on.

Oh, the little tart was stunned I had her arrested.

She never thought I'd do it.

For that matter, neither did he.

Oh, the poor, poor lovers.

We've got to teach these young people, Marcus.

Teach them that one cannot trifle with the power of the throne.

If I may be pardoned, Your Majesty, but that empty chair just doesn't look right

at this table.

Prince Eric should be here.

It's fortunate for you you are useful to me, wizard.

Or I'd never excuse a remark like that.

It is my understanding that the prince should be locked away in the tower room

for the next 20 years.

And the young ladies -in -waiting who helped him are to be burned at the

What of it?

Nothing, Your Majesty.

I applaud your restraint.

You should, since it is for my restraint and good humor, that I don't delve more

deeply into your role in all of this.

Your Majesty, I would do nothing to disobey you.

Your lies are as sweet as this wine.

But I need you, Wizard.

I need you to help me devise a special punishment for Princess Gwendolyn.

I won't help you kill her.

I don't want her killed.

If she's dead, she cannot relive her suffering day after day.

Now I have something more special in mind for the young lady who used her

to get to my throne.

And I want it completed tonight.

What do you mean arrested?

You mean like busted or somebody put a boot on their jack?

As usual, I know not what you are speaking.

I mean they have been put in cells in the dungeon.

Why didn't you tell me? These are friends of mine.

Which is why I did not.

If the queen knew that you were all three together, then she would certainly

you in the cell as well.

And I could not stand that.

Well, that's really sweet, but that doesn't help Carrie and Vicki.

No, but their food order does.

We're supposed to bring the prisoner scraps from the kitchen.

I thought tonight you might like to do it.

I thought you didn't like me.

So you're wrong.

Now, don't you have a duty in the kitchen?

Spirits churn and spirits bubble.

Demons come in time of trouble.

No, this belt will be forever worn.

And say before this magic key, can the dare be shown?

Did you see that flash?

Did it open the cell door?

No, not yet.

No contact with the prisoners. Keep moving.

I've had this made especially for you, dear.

It would be an effrontery if you wouldn't accept it.

You wouldn't want to offend me, would you?

You see, your Highness, I don't care whether I offend you or not.

You don't need that.

I always win.

I can't stop you from loving Eric, but you'll never be able to please him

And that will be the end of it.

You should be shouting from the rooftops, wizard.

Your queen is very pleased with your work.

Thank you, your majesty.

I know it was difficult for you.

As difficult as my task is for me.

Arrest him.

Chain him downstairs.

With pleasure.

Why are you doing this?

You are no longer needed.

It's for the prisoners.

I've never seen you here before.

Well, I'm here now.

It's wine.

For the prisoners?

I had to eat cold squirrel for dinner.

I guess nobody has to know.

So, those girls are really beautiful.

What did they do?

They're witches.

Oh.

God, aren't you afraid?

Of those two?

Not a chance.

Oh, but they're witches, and they could cast a spell on you and turn you into a

toad or something.

You must be very brave.

Mind if I have a sip?

Hot down here.

I must be mad to help you with this.

If I am mad, then I love it.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you.

Oh, don't worry about witchcraft, Adam. If we were really witches, we wouldn't

have needed your help.

That is right, is it not?

He's not too bright, but he's beautiful.

Okay, we gotta get rid of this guy.

Freedom to move about must taste good about now, doesn't it?

I enjoy my chambers.

Well, you still enjoy them after being locked inside for a year.

Or five.

I have an endless amount of patience, Your Majesty.

Not enough to wait for Gwen.

What have you done with her?

Don't panic, nephew.

She's alive.

I just don't think you'd find her attractive anymore.

No.

I haven't had her scarred or anything, although I could.

I've simply locked her into a chastity belt, from which she will never be

released.

Which means that the only lady who will make love in these royal chambers is me.

And you may join me if you wish.

You've got to be dreaming.

I'm telling you that the only way you'll ever sit on the throne is as my

husband.

Would that really be so terrible?

You're a pathetic guard.

Get him out of my sight.

Forever.

I don't care if I'm ever queen.

I just want to be with him.

you

Thank you.

The first thing I want to do is get as far away from here as possible.

Well, hang on. How's that going to help us get back home?

She's right.

Running away won't help any of you.

Marcus,

are you all right?

I've felt better, but my spirit has never been higher than it is right now.

You young people give me hope.

Wait.

Did the Queen do this because you helped her?

Oh, no.

She did this because I performed my final, ultimate task for her.

And she does not want me around to remind her of her treachery.

The people will not stand for my execution.

But this... Thank you.

This they would never know about.

Now, we needed help.

But you're a wizard. Why did you need help?

A wizard without potions, amulets, or a book of spells.

Powerless. All was taken away from me after I created that damn chastity belt

for Princess Gwendolyn. Marcus, that's what you did for the Queen?

Oh, yes.

Well, we've got to get it. That belt is our only way to our own time and place.

Yeah, and we were fooling around with that thing. That's what zapped us back

here.

I don't know what kind of magic you put in that thing, but believe me, it

worked. Well, that's nice to know, but you'll never get that belt back.

It can't be removed from Gwendolyn except for a special key which the Queen

herself has hidden.

And there's no way to search the castle without being discovered.

There might be.

If you trust me, I can give you a potion that'll make you invisible.

For real?

I'm not jesting, but I must have my magical equipment to do it.

And that I can help you with, sir.

When I need you again, you'll be summoned.

Yes, Majesty.

I want you to see how the princess is faring.

Tell me if she's suffering.

After all, if the punishment does not fit the crime, what good is it?

I want a full report by morning.

Yes, Majesty.

Captain of the Royal Guard. Not her bloody stud service. I've got a good

leave my commission and let her fend for herself.

Fine idea.

But then she'll have me executed.

God, why did I have to be such a handsome devil?

I wasn't asking you.

No, it would only make things worse.

Boy, I haven't eaten tonight. I want something prepared for my room.

By your leave, Captain, why not join me?

It is the best the kitchen has to offer.

If the Queen found out about this, you'd be boiled in oil.

Well, I've been doing it for ten years and I've not been caught yet.

You won't tell her, will you, sir?

No, because it looks too good.

I was expecting you to join me.

How would you know that?

I did not, but I knew you haven't eaten and figured it would be a fine

experience for me to dine with the captain of the guard.

You speak in riddles, boy.

Which is why you'll always be washing dishes instead of leading men.

I knew I could learn a great deal from you, sir.

Handling prompts and such.

Why, I heard their markers created quite a stir today.

Your kitchen gossip is accurate. We had to pin that old fool's ears back a bit.

You're not afraid he would use his magic against you?

He confiscated his potions and such.

The fool has as many magic powers now as these potatoes.

I hope those wizard materials don't fall into the wrong hands.

That's the funny part.

It's all in an old chest, not 20 feet from where the fool is chained, and he

doesn't even know it.

You've got to be sharp.

Know what's going on around you at all times. That.

Here's what will get you the favor of the queen.

What did you do to him?

I was going to hit him over the head with a lamb bone.

It's a little trick we learned in the clubs on Sunset.

We're models, babe. We know all kinds of magic potions.

Once the potion mingles with your blood, you'll be rendered invisible.

Whoa, wait a second. You mean you want us to drink that stuff?

But of course. How else?

I don't know. I just kind of thought we'd rub it all over ourselves like

lotion or something.

You know such luck.

But first you must remove your outer covering.

Oh, wait a minute. This is just a scam to get us naked or something.

Yeah, you could have just asked.

No, no, no, no. You must take off your clothing so that your pure essence is

only there for the eye to behold.

It works.

Where do they go?

Wow, this stuff really works.

Well, but you must hurry because the potion only lasts for an hour. And

got to find the key to that belt.

So let's go visit the queen.

Off with you.

That's amazing.

It's like we're being a bear.

But we're not, so be careful.

Come on, the queen's room's in there.

What are we going to do now? We can't open the door because he'll see that.

Yeah.

But what if he doesn't believe his senses?

You do good work, sir.

After 500 years, I should have learned something.

My, my, my.

I do wish they would hurry. I might have miscalculated how long they would

remain unseen.

What?

Well, I am 500 years old, after all. Oh, would you look at that.

Wasn't there an old diary with that key?

Oh, sweet Lord!

Oh, God, he can see us! Come back in here!

Ladies,

I've told you, this kind of thing is not going to help me.

Oh, no, Your Highness. We found the key to the chastity belt.

What?

Good work, boy.

Now, where are the Demps? In with the princess.

Take this guard tunic and fetch Prince Ericus straight away. Hurry now.

Idiot! How could you let this happen?

How? Because you're an idiot.

Your Majesty, the witch has conspired with Marcus. My men cannot fight that

witchcraft. Your men can't do anything. Get the door.

You are free, my princess.

But I'm afraid this will not solve your problems with the queen.

Oh.

This might help.

It's the queen's personal journal.

When we found the chastity belt in our own time, this diary was with it. Will

help us?

Marcus, what about us?

Well, the boat sent you here.

It should be fairly simple to get it to send you back.

I just haven't organized my thoughts yet.

Well, that doesn't sound too promising.

You're right, my dear.

It doesn't sound too promising.

In fact, I imagine you'll all be locked in chains in the dungeon within the

hour.

You're wrong.

I want them all arrested.

If you or the captain make a move against any one of these people, I'll

contents of this diary be known.

You want to risk that?

Kill them all!

What?

Don't kill him.

Your Majesty, suddenly you have a heart.

I care for this man.

The commoner, I know it's not the mark of a queen, but please, don't kill him.

That's no surprise, considering you're an imposter.

Well, I'll be the son of a sorcerer. I knew there was something wrong about

Nothing wrong. Just a common palace maid, paid to take the place of the real

queen, so that my enemies would be assured that I would never attain power.

It's in the diary.

Hold on. You mean all the trouble you gave us and you're just another

Give me that sword.

Please, have mercy.

Why? Lock her and her boyfriend in the dungeon. Let them see how it feels.

No. A true king would never act so hastily.

You're right. A true king tempers his judgments with justice.

What's to become of me?

You're banished from the kingdom, never to return. Make your lives somewhere

else.

I can live with that if you can live with a husband who expects a few

Yes, dear.

By the way, thanks for the spell.

No, it was nothing. No problem.

But we still have a problem.

I don't think so.

One more turn of the key, ladies, and you'll be on your way.

Well, I'd say it's been real, but I don't know if it has.

It has, and thank you for everything.

No, Marcus, tell us this isn't happening.

You're right.

It isn't.

The belt has lost its magic powers.

Does this mean we're stuck here forever?

Would that be so bad?

But we belong in our own time.

And back you shall go from whence you came. I know now how to get you there.

The belt's magic must be reinstated with sexual energy.

Why, you young people can give it enough power to send you clear across the

universe.

And now, my dear young friends, I fear we shall never meet again.

So I bid you upon farewell and safe journey.

By the by.

I will be keeping that magical music.

Yeah, rock on.

I really dig that Floyd Pinkfellow.

Here goes nothing.

At least we had a beautiful time.

It was all a dream.

I don't think so.

You made it.

Well, Carrie, if you ever need any ideas for a layout, this is the ultimate.

Let's go back to L .A. to the relatively sane world of Playpen Magazine.

You're not going to keep that thing, are you?

Sure, why not?

The real God of the world is a lot different than what we think.

Might be nice to go back sometime.

Hey,

babe, you're back.

Sorry to interrupt, but... No, no, no.

I've got something to show you.

All right.

Take a look at these.

Wow, Carrie, these are fantastic.

Thanks. Now, there's this place out in the Caribbean where Atlantis was last

thought to have been.

And I'm sure you'd get some pretty good shots there, maybe.

Here we go again.