Original subtitles

Thanks again.

Oh, can't you stay a few more hours? I'm making bee pancakes.

Um, no, unfortunately, I can't. I really have to get back.

Well, at least say hi to Megan Martin. Oh, did it? Oh.

Oh, it's too bad. It's too bad. Oh, it's so good to see you kids.

And how nice you get to stop by for a little breakfast on your way to work.

no, school's out for the summer. And I just took off because it's so nice out.

Figured we'd just hang out, maybe get in the pool.

Oh, uh, Mom, they did not have any Snickers in the gas station, so we got

Milky Way. Oh, that's great. Thanks. Oh, and hey, these were at my house. See? I

told you. Well, your stuff is better than mine.

Well, I gotta say, you two look exactly the same.

And how are Brooke and Carrie? Are they...

Still the same.

And I'm sorry I still haven't seen Carrie's new show, the wind one. But all

friends at work say it's awesome. Yeah, my friends say it is so, so awesome. Oh,

hey, if you guys do want to swim, we're out of sunscreen.

Oh, I can run out to Target and get some.

I'll go with.

Why, do you also need something from Target?

No, just to keep her company.

That's nice of you. Come on, you. I'm not going to make you go to Target

You know what? I think I will stay and hang for a couple hours.

Yay! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Brooke, she's an agent now, right?

Or a manager?

Sorry, we're nothing like your kids.

Neither of us know a thing about the entertainment industry.

That's bullshit.

Like, I'm the one in the industry constantly doing good, and yet nothing?

He had to have hired a publicist, right?

Brooke, it's 8 .30 a .m. How are we already at a 10 about something?

But yes, anytime anyone's on anything, it's a publicist.

Bye,

Brooke. Bye.

Oh, they just came to the hospital. Please. He might have these losers

but I know that he worked for this. And it is my job today to prove it.

Actually, your job today is quite a few other things. I just need to get into

his email.

Oh, uh, hey, Natalie.

I just want to... and Lance a little something, you know, say congrats for

so dang good. Do you mind DMing me his new little Addie? Yeah, sure.

That's really sweet.

Well, I hope you don't do this, but I have to go meet a new client and know

you're going to, so I guess just text me when you end up burning down his entire

apartment.

The Addie.

Hey, everyone. Thank you all for being here to talk about helping me win the

Academy Award for Best Actor in a Motion Picture. Or supporting.

Let's do it. Well, sorry I can't be there in person. I'm still in the

But I've already found the movie to maybe get you that Oscar, Carrie.

Wait, really? It's called... One night with Albert, and it's about a gay man

had a brief love affair with Albert Einstein the night before he published

theory of relativity.

Albert Einstein was gay?

It's rumored he was, by the writer of this movie.

Uh, sure, yes. I want to be gay Albert Einstein and win an Oscar. So the role

up for grabs.

But even though you're the lead of a TV show, the producers are not 100 % sure

that they see you as a leading man.

I mean, it's a sexual role. And you play an elf on Wind Weaver. So in the next

month, I want to have you read for them, get you in for some chemistry tests.

Oh, the next month? Is there any way to do this faster? I was hoping to fit it

in before I go back to Wind Weaver because I am completely free until then.

might have a way to go faster.

Oh, sorry, everyone. This is Shuley, the newest member of the team. She wouldn't

work with me before because I was too small time.

But last night, she emailed begging me to hire her. Oh, I wouldn't say begging.

Well, I have it here printed out. I will kill you. But I do have a faster way

for producers to see Carrie as a leading man.

Oh, wait. Carrie, do you have a, um... Uh, yes.

Yes, I do, actually. Perfect.

We'll be right...

Whoa, Carrie Dubeck is packing.

OK, you've got the role. They can now see you as a leading man.

Thank you so much, Julie. Hey, thank that big old PP.

OK, so the next step is financing.

I'll circle up with the producers, see what studios they're out to, and this

part will take a beat. How long is a beat?

I mean, we're looking for $20 to $25 million.

Well, what if I were to just call my mom?

Can she finance it?

They don't care. You cray.

And I love it.

Come on.

Where are you?

No shirt, huh? Looks like someone who works to get attention to me.

Hi. Flower delivery for Mr. Arroyo.

Oh,

Deborah. Feed the third floor. Apartment's repeat.

Thank you.

Hmm. Bingo.

After email open. Idiot. Okay, let's search public then.

Weird. Okay.

Public relations.

No results.

It's okay.

I got plenty of time.

Oops. Forgot something.

What else can I search?

What would I write in an email to a publicist?

No?

Nothing?

Does he just never send any email?

Oh, hell yeah.

Hi, man.

Where you going on this on Friday?

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck.

What do I do?

I'm not going to kill him. Oh, look who it is. Give me that rock, baby.

Let's go.

Oh, just set off the fire alarm.

Yo, Mr.

McMurtry. It's Lance.

Lance. Sorry, man.

Forgot to give you your pill. Thank you. Also, I had another accident in my

chair. It's all good. I'll run you a bath. We'll get you cleaned up.

And I'm going to close this window for you. We got to keep you safe.

Hey, Lance.

You're the best man I know.

Thanks, Mr. Ram.

Wait, I actually think this is Carrie's suit that I'm wearing. Really?

Yeah. Aw.

Well, and I love your suit, Pat.

Oh, why, thank you. Isn't it so gorgeous?

And so, wait, when do you go back to work?

Not till September. Or, you know, really the last week of August, just so I can

get my room set up. Still so much time.

That's so nice.

Mom, can you grab me a coat?

Oh, and some towels. Sorry, sorry. Sorry.

Kids, am I right, Pat?

Always needing something from you.

I have between $20 and $25 million.

Uh, for why, honey?

Oh, also, you're on speakerphone. I'm here with Megan Mark.

Hi. Hey, Carrie. Hi, Carrie. By the way, I was so sorry to see those pictures of

you online. First your hole, now your little penis. Oh, no, the penis was on

purpose. It's for this movie I'm calling about.

On purpose? It is this really beautiful indie that needs financing, and I was

wondering if you would want to help get it off the ground. It would really,

really mean a lot.

Uh, okay. I mean, sure, honey. Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much, Mom. Thank you.

really, really appreciate it.

Wow. Okay. We are really moving.

For the first time, I can see how you and Brooke are related.

Okay, so what's next?

So, the last piece of the puzzle is a director.

I'll move as fast as I can and start reaching out to people.

And I'll start generating Oscar buzz in the press. In fact... I already secured

you a profile in the New York Times.

Whoa. And it's not too soon for that? No. The Oscar for next year may have

already been won. We got to move.

Yes. I love it. So since the movie One Night with Albert, they want to do a

feature called One Night with Carrie, where the writer will just hang out with

you and maybe your friends and boyfriend at a bar or something for One Night

with Carrie.

Just whatever you do on a Friday night.

Oh, um, sure, yeah. I mean, I am actually always hanging out with my

boyfriend on a Friday night. So he'll meet you and your crew at 8, wherever

want. Cool. Yeah, let me just call my wife and BFFs and just

make sure we're on for our normal hang sesh. All right.

Oh, now it's the sister.

Sorry. So there was nothing in his email and he washed an old man's butt for

free? Maybe they did just ask him. Julie, no. He hired a publicist. I just

to see his phone contacts for proof. But I can't go back in looking like myself

because the doorman knows I stole his keys. That's probably for the best. So I

went into the redhead. What?

Why does this even matter? Because if he didn't hire a publicist, he's what?

Inherently better than us and everyone just knows it?

I mean, what does that make me, Julie? Dog shit?

Okay, this sort of feels like a therapy situation.

Let's fucking do this.

God.

Okay. Michael Connett.

No. Sharon haircut.

No. Where is...

Why? Oh, what do you think about doing an expose on pee about nurses?

Like, how much good do they really do? Because between you and me, it feels

it's more the doctors.

Um, sure, honey. I mean, I guess we could. And since we're not getting the

recognition we deserve for our night of undeniable good, I want to have meetings

all next week about more good stuff we can do for pee.

OK? All right.

Oh, fuck.

He's out of the shower. I got to go.

God, she hung up. OK.

All right.

Where's my phone?

Brooke told me about, I can use to find it. It makes my phone a big, loud

screeching noise.

Wait, what's it called?

Doesn't remember, because he never listens. Yet everyone says he... Oh,

my phone!

Brooke told me about it at the zoo.

She just said that Alexis Bledel is probably mean in real life.

Okay, so he does listen?

Who the hell talks to themselves this much? Like, out loud?

Who's this even... Wait,

it's outside?

Okay. He's not going to chase me in just a towel.

Get back here! I don't have to chase you in just a towel!

Fuck.

Hey!

Hey!

Okay, where is my boyfriend?

Nice and light there. All right?

Nice.

There he is. Got a whiskey.

Hey, honey, I just... stopping by to see if I could ask you a fave.

So the Times wants to do this really cool profile on me where I hang out with

boyfriend. You know we can't be seen in town again.

We'll get ourselves killed.

Or worse.

Totally. I know you are a closeted sheep herder now, and we are only supposed to

really hang up here on the range, but I just thought maybe this one... I'm

just... No way.

I'm not...

Sorry, is this from your new movie? Because it's very similar to Brokeback.

is what we're doing up here. Yeah, right.

It ain't natural.

It's also like God's own country. Why are they making another one of these?

Wait, is this... Eggs, are we about to have sex?

Oh, right. They have sex in these. These cultures do have sex.

Oh, thank the Lord, yeah. Let me see that dick. Let me see that dick.

Okay, whoa.

Oh, getting right to it. I guess I'll have to see that dick later, but yeah.

Oh.

So I just want to make sure we have lube in the tent. Not sure I saw.

Hmm.

Not quite sure that's going to do the trick. Is there really no lube in here?

Well, let's at least do more than just the one.

Oh.

Oh, I mean, yes.

Oh.

Finally happening.

Yeah. Love this.

Go.

Hooray.

Okay, so that's a no on the boif.

Some friends.

Hey,

so I am calling because I need some friends for this New York Times thing

tonight, and I'm not sure if we are friends, but... Carrie, you are my best

friend. But sadly, I do have plans tonight with a lady.

Oh, okay. Well, I'm glad you're getting back out there. And that's cool. I've

got tons of other people I could try. So I wasn't dead last.

Hello?

What's that? Alarm. And why does it sound like you might be dying? Because I

told him to prove that he hired a publicist, but then he stopped and he

chasing me. Then I tried to lose him by running into some random building, but

it turns out it's a fucking utility closet or something. And now I'm trapped

like a goddamn animal. Fuck!

So I take it neither of you are free for a party tonight.

Also, why didn't you just drop the phone? Because I know there's a clue in

Carrie. I just gotta find it. I know, man. I know you're in there.

Fuck. He's right above me. I gotta go, Carrie. So I guess I'll just text every

single person in my phone.

Someone shows up to be my friend.

God, that's some dark shit.

Come on, dude. Game over. There's nowhere else to run. And you know what?

calling the cops. God, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Is what I would say if I didn't believe that we all make mistakes.

Come on. Because you may have done some bad things, but I don't think you're a

bad person.

You don't? So how about you just give me my phone back and I'll let you go.

But not.

before giving you $600 in cold, hard cash.

You can go get yourself a hot meal, or maybe even a new phone, because it seems

like you really need one.

Jesus, did people just find him?

Wait, holy shit, my PR crew.

You guys got me this?

Yes! Fucking knew it, baby!

Hey, man, I'm sorry. It's been like this kind of weird amount of time without

you responding, so I'm just...

Can I have it back?

Oh, yeah, sure.

I got just what I need. Thank you.

Although I do need a new phone.

Thanks so much for doing a profile like this. We find it to be a fun peek inside

a celeb's life. It lets the reader experience them with their loved ones,

friends. Totally.

Such a fun idea. Can you introduce me to everyone? Oh, yeah, sorry. How rude of

me.

This is my ex -agent, Shrimp Scampi. No, it's Dip

Hamplin. Wait, hold on. Is it Shrimp Scampi?

They both sound right.

Oh, my God.

And this is Bashant Acharya, another dear friend I met when I worked at his

restaurant. Yes, though it sadly shuttered on March 12, 2020.

That fateful day someone found a rat in their pasta.

Ew. And finally, this is Michael... Haircut. Or, uh...

My last name's actually Engel. I just used to cut his hair.

So, yeah.

These my besties. Love these kooks. Anyway, guys, go. Dance. Mingle.

How unusual.

All your best friends are from your very distant past.

Well, I'm humble. I still cherish the people who knew me when.

Yeah, let's go with that angle.

God, please let someone real show up.

So you stole his phone and he chased you for three miles to give you $600?

Yeah, I think it's time to call it. He's just that good.

Nope, no, because then I saw a text from his PR crew. They're coming over at 8,

so I'm thinking I could get there early, hide in his closet, and then catch him

in the act.

Brooke, do not do that.

Okay, I will take that into consideration.

Plus, the doorman definitely knows your face now. I mean, you'd have to go back

in in, like, full prosthetics, like your mom used to do.

No, you're right. That would be too far.

truly unhinged. It would be like the Brooke I knew is dead and a new, darker

Brooke had risen in her place.

Cool. Then, yeah, I won't do it.

Oh. Okay, I gotta go. I'm walking into a movie.

She's not walking into a movie.

It's open!

Showtime, baby!

Time to see your PR crew, Nurse Arroyo. Because I know what you've got down in

the muck for the...

An entire extended family from Puerto Rico?

We're so proud of you, Lance.

Hey, you guys got me this.

Let's celebrate, Lance. Oh, nice.

Jerry, I don't know if you heard, but they're making another movie that's kind

of like Brokeback Mountain.

No, I'm painfully aware.

Oh, I think another friend is here. Oh, good. I look forward to turning around

and seeing who it is.

Hey, Gary.

Hey, everyone. My old improv 101 teacher?

Yep, another one of my true ride -or -dies.

Tom! Hey, thank you so much for sticking with me despite the allegations.

Uh, sorry, what allegations, sir? Okay, what do you say we get the whole posse

together for a pic? Oh, sure.

Um, and why don't we have my improv teacher take it? Shouldn't we wait for

old guy? I think he went to go pee.

Whoa,

Vachon? Long time no see!

What? We've been hanging here all night.

You invited me today.

What? Oh,

wait, is Carrie here?

I'm the other gay waiter.

But I guess it's cool like you and he still hang.

Yeah, the New York Times are doing a profile on him, and they wanted all of

best friends to be here for it.

So naturally, he thought of me.

Hey, why is Carrie Dubeck taking pics with the guy who cuts my hair?

And the guy who cuts my hair.

because I don't know anyone more dedicated to his family than you. What?

I cannot do that all night.

Make out a third time?

Wait, did I ever tell you guys about the time Lance tried to donate so much

blood? He passed out. Yeah, I'm out of here. He just kept saying, please let me

donate more. People need the blood.

Hey, everybody.

Hi, Connie, you made it.

Hey, you're Connie?

How's your leg? I'm so sorry I'm late. Please, who cares? We just want to see

that ring.

Aw, Connie's getting married?

Okay,

wait, wait, I got another one. Remember the time that Lance saved that little

bird? Oh, my God, I have a Lance saving a little animal story, too. Me, too.

Okay, no, bye.

You know, Harry, this man has a very interesting look. Are you in need of an

acting agent?

No, I'm a full -time journalist.

Are you in need of an assistant?

Perhaps a brand -new Tempur -Pedic mattress.

I'm very good at picking out a person's firmness. You look like a 17.

Guess what?

I saw Carrie downstairs.

What? I'm Carrie.

Or, wait, is Curtis here?

You didn't tell him why you were here, right?

Just because I...

I don't want him to be mad that I invited you and not him. That's all.

No, I didn't tell him. But I met all his friends, and they're so nice.

And his boyfriend.

He's hot, too. Great big lads.

He has a boyfriend now?

That's great.

Yeah, and they're all going to Curtis's aunt's house in the Hamptons for his

birthday next week.

Major Gels, right?

Yeah, no, he always does that.

It's fun.

Yeah,

I'm happy for him.

at least 30?

Hey, everybody downstairs.

Go. I'm right behind you. I just want to make sure everyone else is out safe.

What's your emergency?

Please, quick.

There's a fire.

Don't worry. Help is on the way.

Hello,

ma 'am. I'm here to help.

Whoa. It was actually so fast.

My name is Lance Arroyo.

Just leave me.

Let me die. It's insidious.

Hey. Hey, Mac, just checking in on the director's pitch. As a reminder, I am

fully free until Wind Weaver. Nothing else going on. So I'm excited to shoot.

Hey, is Lucas Lambert -Moy coming tonight?

Would love to have him for this. No, no, no, no.

Even though things are so, so great with us right now.

I do. I just like to keep my Fridays for just my friend.

Holy shit.

Edie? Speaking of, one of my very best friends is here now.

Hi. Can you tell me who invited me to this thing?

I didn't save the number. It's not familiar to me, and they've been texting

for like a year. It's starting to drive me nuts.

Oh,

Carrie Dubik.

All right, that makes sense.

I have a dinner thing, so as far as you know, I was never here.

Wait, Edie?

Edie!

Edie!

Okay. Let's move. Yeah, let's do it. Um, I should just probably say bye to

Carrie first, right? Like, if a shot told him I was here, I don't want to be

asshole. No.

Okay, um, I guess... Never mind.

Hey, Carrie Dubek?

Oh, my God.

Are we friends?

Hi. No, I'm with Sally Mae.

You haven't made a loan payment in seven years, but you texted me your location.

So I thought I'd show up and get the $14 ,000 in person.

Credit card?

Okay,

now. You know, I can walk from here.

But thank you, Sonny. You got it?

Oh, my God. Your eyebrow's falling off. Oh, um, that fire really licked me good.

Yes! That's a rescue!

Daddy! Okay, sort of feels like you guys could take it from here, no?

Okay, is everyone accounted for? Yeah, yeah, that's everyone.

Let's hear it for my sobrino, Lance! Woo!

Oh, wait, hold on, hold on.

Where's Connie?

Really?

Did she not come out with us?

I didn't see her. Oh, shit!

She's still inside!

It's me.

It's just me.

That's it.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm so fucked up. I'm so fucked up since I met you.

I just... I got no one.

Nothing. It's not right what we're doing together. It's not natural.

I just... I wish I knew how to... Oh, my God. I almost said quit, you Jesus.

It shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't fucking...

like this.

She was just with us. She was dancing. No, she got tired. Remember?

Yeah, I saw her go right down.

Chisco, she's sleeping?

Fire's been contained.

There is some damage to the kitchen and 4C.

Could have been worse.

Could have been a lot worse.

Special thanks to Mr. Arroyo for getting everyone out.

I guess

he is just that good.

He is purely good, and I am...

any clearer that I am just bad.

Huh? Hello?

Hi there. Good evening.

My name is Angelica Yates. I'm with the GFP Board of Jurors. Is this Brooke

Dubeck? Yeah, this is she. I'm calling to inform you that Chase Dreams Presents

A Night of Undeniable Good has been selected to receive the 2023 Peabody

for Excellence in Media in the category of Public Service.

That was incredible.

So much better than Marvel's team movie, you.

I've missed you so much, sweetie.

I missed you too, my Patricia.

But this just can't happen again.

No. No, no, no. Because I thought about it, and it could be fun that you always

need to wear prosthetics to go to dinner. It'll be like every day is

No.

I just...

I can't have you be part of my family anymore, Streeter.

I need you to just be my manager so my family can be my family.

What do you mean?

I just... I didn't miss anything in Ohio except my kids.

I was there and I realized I don't have my kids anymore.

Or not the way I had them.

And everything in my life can be insane, but not me and them.

We need to be normal. And if we're normal, then I can handle the rest.

So first thing tomorrow, I need to pull out of Carrie's movie, and I need to...

I need to fire Brooke as my manager.

Okay, good night.