Original subtitles

Help!

My nachos!

Hey, baby girl.

How you feeling?

Maybe ready to go back to work?

Not that I want you out of the house.

I mean, at this point, I don't think I could fall asleep without the sound of

you sobbing. You just broke my heart.

And now I'm the most sad anyone's ever been.

Well, maybe going back to work will take your mind off it.

Or even doing something simple like changing your underwear.

Hey, let's at least do the underwear one.

I can't. I just want to watch TV.

You've watched everything on TV.

HBO, Hulu, Apple.

It's all been watched. I was thinking about checking out Peacock. I like the

font on their main page. Okay, no. You need to get out of this house now.

Maybe find Shulie. Go hang with Shulie.

The thing she says to me, we're not okay.

He was like, you got a problem. You're supposed to sit down and talk to me. Can

you believe that? He's a bad man.

So you're not here to work? I'm not ready.

Oh, and then he was like, I want a partner who's honest.

OK, Ted Bundy. Listen, Brooke, I need you to leave, because I'm busy and you

smell violent. It's not true.

It's not.

Why don't you go see what Carrie's up to?

Go hang with Carrie.

Like, seriously? Seriously, the narrative is that Lance is this lovable

goofball, but behind closed doors, he calls you the F -word all the time. That

does sound like him, but maybe you should go find Mom, because I'm at

right now.

Carrie, we're ready for you. And sorry about that smell. Jeez, I don't know

that is.

It's the nacho! No, it's not.

Harry, we are thrilled you came in because we want to talk to you about the

offer of a lifetime, a powerful gay role in Disney's next film.

Whoa, really?

Because my boyfriend just got nominated for a Tony for an important gay role

he's doing, so it would be nice to also tackle something meaningful for the

community. My last few roles have been whatever.

So I'd love to not just act, but make a difference.

I think that's been the problem. Well, then this should be perfect for everyone

involved. So, as you're probably aware, our wildly successful Haunted Buddies

franchise has gotten some flack for not having any queer characters. But we at

Disney are committed to fixing that grave mistake now.

Yes. So, in addition to our beloved core characters of Wolfie, Vampyra, and Dr.

Bag of Bones, for Haunted Buddies 4, we are adding... Globby.

That's right.

Globby will be the Haunted Buddies' first ever openly queer character.

Sorry, so this goo is homosexual?

The goo is homosexual.

That's incredible.

Yes. Now, very cool.

And how exactly is he gay?

Because he sort of just looks like a...

Sexless, green snot? Great question. Because we've also gotten some flack for

saying a character is gay and then not really showing it. Which is why, in

Haunted Buddies 4, we're including a groundbreaking scene where Vampyra opens

the door to Globby's bedroom, and we see Globby in bed with another glob.

Which is huge.

I mean, for Disney to include a scene as unapologetically gay as this? Right? I

mean, two globs in bed? It doesn't get more gayer than that.

No. Yeah.

It's just, how is that visual gay? The two globs in bed. Like, did the other

glob talk and have, like, a male voice?

No, but if Globby was straight, when Vampyra opened the door, then he'd be in

bed with a human woman. But he's not.

He's in bed with another glob.

So he's gay.

No. Right.

Right.

I'm like, he's not even a doctor, Mom. He's a nurse.

Which, not to be whatever, but gay much?

Which has to be the root of this. It's not that I'm wrong. It's he's gay.

Yes, Brooke. But I can't talk right now because I'm taping an interview for CBS

Saturday morning.

Sorry. Yeah, I'm going to need you to get up. You are very much in the shot.

don't be sorry.

It's Lance who should be sorry.

Just, he really hurt me.

You know?

Push in. What? But I am finally ready to break my silence and then music would

be in here. Because if I can help even one woman... Now pan down to my hands.

No, do not pan down to her hands. Stephen, can you... Okay.

I'm so sorry. She's just having a really hard time. But I promise if you'd met

her 30, 31 years ago, you'd have really loved her. All right. Let's just pick it

up from the next question.

Okay. Okay.

So, tell me, Pat.

What is it like being a single woman again? Well,

I am trying to get back out there, but I have to say it's been a little hard for

me. I mean, I have a security detail that follows me everywhere.

I can't eat in restaurants like normal, so it just makes dating a regular person

tough. They don't all like that.

I just need to find a person who isn't bothered by fame. Someone more like me.

Wait.

Someone more like...

Me? This is what I've been saying.

Lance, what's the problem? A strong, powerful businesswoman can't be with a

simple nurse.

Hello? Julie, I'm ready.

To come back to work? No, to date. Who is the most powerful businessman you

know? Set me up with his boss.

So... Gay globs are attracted to other globs, and straight globs are attracted

to human women, so Globby just being in bed with another glob is inherently gay?

No, you get it. Exactly right. But look, I think we're getting a little in the

weeds here.

Globby the glob is a proud, queer sack of mucus.

And in this movie, we see him in bed with another proud queer sack of mucus.

since this is our first film with such an unapologetically gay scene, we're

doing a massive press push to let the whole world know.

Oh.

You are? Yes. So if you're in, it will be a bit of a whirlwind. I mean, the

media's going to have a field day with this. And you and Globby will basically

be the face of the whole movie.

So the question is, do you want to be the face of a whole Disney movie?

The face.

Whoa.

For all the press. Mm -hmm.

You know, I can sort of see how that logic makes sense.

Yeah, yeah. Like, Zobby's gay because he's in bed with another glob.

If he was straight, he'd be in bed with a human woman. And, sorry, I'm just

remembering the human woman of it all. And it does make sense.

Okay, wow.

This is actually beautiful.

Vampyra opens the door, and they're in bed together. That is important.

And unapologetically gay.

And I'd be the voice of it?

Oh, my God.

I'm the voice of Disney's first ever unapologetically gay character?

Okay. Yes.

I am in. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. And I am actually free if we

wanted to start press now.

I mean, sure.

Globby haunts with the rest of the buddies, but then there's this thing

and I was actually skeptical of it at first, but it's just unapologetically

and it is an honor to be the face of it.

And I think once the movie comes out, audiences are going to see this

incredibly relatable queer character in Globby. You know, he's out, he's proud,

he's a collection of dust particles and snot.

I basically demanded Disney give me this role. I mean, I really do think that

Globby could do for movies what Pose did for TV, hopefully. Sorry, it makes me

emotional talking about it.

If I could have seen a character like Globby when I was younger, it really

have changed my life.

I wish my dad were alive to see Globby.

Penthouse. Brooke.

Hey, come on in. Wow.

Don't mind if I do.

I'm your genius.

So, this is the place.

I see.

God, it is... It's so nice to be dating a powerful business person like me.

Oh, thank you.

My ex is a nurse, so I think that just led to this huge disconnect.

Anyway, what's it like being a tech billionaire?

Oh, he'll tell you all about it.

Sorry,

you're not my date? Oh, no.

He's your date.

Look how high I am.

Oh, I'm so fucking high.

Hello up there.

I'm Brooke.

Aren't I so, so high?

No, yes. You are very high.

Yes, I am.

Sorry, the date of rock climbing?

Just Tim.

You're here to watch. Don't let her come up.

Stop her. It's okay. It's okay. I'm not coming up. I am not coming up.

Jesus.

Yes. Time. Time. And that's how you play celebrity, bitch. Oh, my God. Okay.

All right, sit down, sit down.

I'm so glad you could come tonight. I haven't seen you in forever. How are

things? Oh, so crazy.

All this Globby press has been insane.

I haven't had a chance to come up for air, like, all week.

Oh, wow.

And then today Ted Cruz tweeted about Globby and said Haunted Buddies was

disgusting, so now I'm in the center of this Twitter firestorm, which is so

stupid. Oh, I hadn't seen that. Yeah, I guess it's... What comes with being a

leader in the community now.

Okay, Carrie's turn.

All right, Carrie, let's go, Carrie.

60 seconds. Okay.

Okay, ready? And go. All right, come on, Carrie.

Um, Pat.

Okay, all right.

Um, Pat.

Oh, oh, um, James Franco was in a movie about him. What? I don't know. Give me

more.

Okay, how many do we get? Well, out of 30 names, you could only describe Sandra

Bullock. So, one.

Ah, sorry. I'm a better guesser.

So...

No, we were both trying to date people more like us, so... What hell are you

No, I'm on a private plane with Simu Liu.

Sorry, like Simu Liu from the full Marvel universe?

Yup, he reached out after my big interview.

We actually have a lot in common.

I mean, he has more security than me. So he just really gets what it's like to

be famous.

Which is what I need in a man.

Marvel plane right now headed to a huge fan convention in Malaysia, and then we

go to Japan, and then I think Stockholm?

I'm not sure. I'm basically just traveling the world with Simu Liu.

Wait, have you two had sex?

Yes, we have. He's an excellent lover. Plus, he's in really good shape. I think

because he has to work out every 45 minutes, or Marvel is legally allowed to

him down and recast him. I can't believe this. But he does spend a lot of time

on the jet for safety.

We haven't?

Really been outside and dazed. Cool.

Anyway, yeah, my date's really great, too.

Yeah, he's a really sweet, salt -of -the -earth kind of dude.

I should actually get back to him, so... Bye -bye now.

Bye. Who was that?

Did you tell him how high I am?

Yeah, sorry.

I really need this to work, so do you think that we could maybe do something

together? Like, maybe where I can actually see your face?

Is this better?

Fuck! I mean...

Yes. I told my doctor to give me the biggest lips of any man and the highest

eyebrows. And he sure did.

OK, OK. This person is gay. Ellen, MPH, Ben Platt. No.

He's a writer. He's an activist. He wrote Go Tell It on the mountain. Oh,

Baldwin. Yes, that's right.

This. Oh, my God. OK.

This queen is a full star.

Ben Platt, NPH, Ellen. No. And for the last time, not one of us put Ben Platt,

Ellen, or NPH in the bowl.

OK. OK.

She's got great skin.

And she's on a bomb new Paramount Plus show. Oh, Curtis is hot.

How is your show going?

Well, um, we're shooting episode five right now, and it's good. It's good.

You know, working with Ashley Tisdale is a little tough, though, because she's

not so much a scene partner as she is a scene adversary. Oh, my God.

They want me on the news right now.

What? What?

Yeah. Yeah. To talk about all this anti -gay globby backlash?

So dumb.

Anyway, I should do it. Just because I don't want to let the community down,

since globby has weirdly become this...

queer icon or whatever yeah i'm surprised globby wasn't in the bowl oh

that would have been embarrassing yeah no all right will you guys keep playing

um i'm just gonna go zoom into the news in the other room oh and if you guys can

keep it down to a whisper that'd be great okay he

he's really a sweet guy anderson hello

So, you like the restaurant?

I ran out the entire place just for the two of us.

I beat you.

Yeah,

very cool. A true perk of dating a successful business person like me.

Actually, my ex was a nurse, so he... A nurse is nothing.

How much good can one stink a nurse do? I'm building hundreds of hospitals.

Oh, you are?

That's impressive.

Good for you. Yeah.

In the metaverse.

So you're not building hospitals.

Oh, there's a playground out there. Quick, time me on the slide.

Time you on what now? I bet you I can get down it faster than that stupid

fucking baby.

Yeah, I bet you can.

Sorry, are we still on a date? I just, I would really love it if you could help

me make this even a little more successful.

Just because my mom is on a full private jet with Simu.

Private jet?

I can top that.

What? How can you top that?

Oh, my God, we're in space.

I'm the highest man alive!

Curtis, hi. Hey, it was so good seeing you the other week, even though you were

mostly on the news.

Yeah, sorry, this whole thing has been so crazy. I've barely been able to come

up for air. Yeah. Hey, listen, do you want to get dinner with me and my

tonight? You know, spend some actual time together?

I miss you.

Oh, sure, yeah.

And then my premiere is actually tonight, so afterwards you should all

that.

Oh, um, yeah.

Okay, sure. Yeah. Wait, hold on, Patty. How much longer do you think this will

take?

A few hours.

I still have to add globby to the bottom.

Damn. Okay, Curtis, I'm actually not going to be able to make dinner, so I'll

just meet you guys at the premiere. And heads up, Westboro is now going to be

protesting there because they saw me on the news.

So stupid.

Anyway, I will see you guys there tonight.

Yeah, okay.

Bye. Bye.

Sorry, I think we now have to go to the premiere of Haunted Buddies 4.

Hey, Mom.

Oh, hi, honey. I was just calling you to see how all the dating is going.

I mean, absolutely not as good as you, but hopefully tonight's guy is better.

How's jetting around the world with Simu?

Oh, I don't know. It was pretty fun at first, but now I'm kind of having a hard

time.

I don't really know where I am or when I am anymore.

The sun just keeps rising and setting.

Like, I think it's tomorrow and yesterday.

Ma 'am? And I told Simu we could maybe eat a meal together off the jet if we

both wore the prosthetics. But Simu said he tried that after Shang -Chi came

out, but some Marvel fans still knew it was him.

How? I guess one of them had started living in his wall, so she heard the

Marvel fans are not well, Brookie. Well, other than that, it sounds great. So

just relax and enjoy yourself. You are...

Insanely lucky.

No, you're right. You're absolutely right. I am lucky.

I'm lucky.

Oh, I gotta go, hon. Seymour's doing a panel in Tokyo, and our security team

said I can go as long as I'm completely hidden, so they're gonna zip me up into

a suitcase so I can watch.

Or at least listen.

Okay, well, have fun.

Bye. Bye. And say hi to Streeter for me.

Brooke? Okay, damn.

I'm liking the look of this.

Although, I know that you're an app developer or whatever, but you're not a

billionaire, right? Just a humble millionaire.

Yes, I'm just a millionaire.

Okay. But not just one million, right? No, I have more than

one million. Okay, cool.

Not to be rude, it's just...

Having only a million dollars is actually kind of poor.

Okay, Jane.

Now you have to buy me a Coke.

You know, I have to say, this is a historic night. We at GLAAD are just so

excited to see Disney's first ever unapologetically gay scene. And we are

to demand that scene be taken out of the movie.

Take it out! Leave it!

Take it out!

Leave it!

Oh, great. There you are. You're late.

Yeah, that's because you just added this to our already scheduled dinner.

Sorry, we know, but we're here now.

Okay, are you guys ready to step into an absolute inferno? Let's hold hands.

Wait, I'm sorry, are we walking the red carpet? Yes.

Hello, Globby Nation.

Me and my friends are here to say that we are not afraid of today's protest

because we are all.

strong gay men i'm actually bi uh and i don't use gay i got this okay let's all

get in for a pick and say we're here we're queer we're globby

okay please that inside the premiere will begin all right time to watch

history be made jesus christ hi and yeah i mean i did

just get out of a 10 -year relationship that ravaged me emotionally, but now I

am single and loving it.

And I gotta say, I really love how both your lips touch when you chew. It has

been very clutch visually.

Thank you. I was actually at the same restaurant a week ago with a full

billionaire and his lips looked like two fat slugs had fallen asleep on his

face. And he took me to outer space.

It was...

Not good.

What's with these billionaires? It's like the split second they get all that

money, their brain just seeps out of their skulls. I think that's literally

happens.

So, yes, I am glad you are not one.

Oh, that's worth calling, which is weird.

I don't need to take it. No, go ahead. It's fine. And I will head to the little

girl's room to freshen up so we can move this back to your place.

Wait, what's that?

What are you saying, Ted? Oh, my God.

Our app sold?

Our app just fully sold?

Right this second? Okay.

Back to my millionaire I go.

Hi.

Wait, where did... Yes!

Look how high I am! Wait, what the fuck is going on?

I'm a billionaire, baby.

What?

I'm confused.

Oh, my God.

We're not going back to your place anymore now, are we? No, we're going

somewhere even better.

We're going to... I'm in space!

My fucking God.

It's worse than we said, Vampire. We must hurry. His weapon will soon be

powered. We are running out of time.

All right, here it comes.

Is it right after this?

Bobby,

let's go. We're late for the mission.

Okay.

Yeah, tell me when.

What do you mean, that?

That was it? Were you not watching?

Wait, what did he say? He said that was it.

What was it? He said it already happened, but when?

And also where?

I don't know, he said it was before?

Yeah, he said it already happened. He said it happened.

Wait, uh, Carrie!

I'm hearing the scene happened?

What was it? Sorry, we just want to tell people we support it. Wait, shit, we

missed the scene? We all wanted to throw eggs at you.

The movie's still happening.

Yeah. How do we chase that?

No, wait, can we pause it? I want to get to the bottom of this. Yeah, maybe

let's bring up the lights. I'm just so confused.

Yeah, bring up the lights.

Sorry, help me out here.

Where was the unapologetically gay scene you've been telling press about?

I mean, I don't know what else to say.

It was right there.

The two gay globs in bed together. That was it? What?

How are we supposed to know they were gay? Nothing about this scene was gay.

Yeah, huh? I mean, if Globby was straight, he would have been in bed with

human woman.

What?

That's like glob logic that none of us could possibly know. Wait, so you're

saying in this universe, straight globs are attracted to human women and gay

globs are attracted to other globs?

Yes?

So how are glob babies made?

A straight glob has sex with a human woman, and that makes a baby glob? But

wouldn't that be a half -human, half -glob? How are full globs made? Oh,

good call. You know what? If you guys want to take the scene out, it's fine.

dude, you can totally leave it in. Sorry we got so riled up. It's not your

fault. There was actually more to the scene.

But Disney, um, they cut it.

Oh, oh, okay then.

That makes sense. Disney does suck. What was cut? What was cut?

My glob sucked the other glob's dick.

What? In a kids movie? No, I'm joking.

I'm joking.

But what was cut was... You know what? You guys must be famished from all

that protesting. So what do you say you all go get dinner?

I mean...

i can eat you like pizza yeah hey i'm i'm mark by the way hey i'm terry sorry

ladies and gentlemen please be patient we will have the movie back okay

great that's 48 and 49.

oh we're right above ohio where i used to live yuck so lucky you got out of

there

Oh, look, a rocket heading back to Earth.

I wonder who's on that.

Yeah, I did it! I was so high! I am better than all other men!

Me am the most man! Oh, my God, shut the fuck up!

I cannot believe I have been...

and ride a dentist's chair to space.

Like, what is this for?

You don't have to do as much good as a nurse or whatever, but my God, y 'all

just do no good?

I do good. I've already drawn up plans to build dozens of schools.

Oh, you have?

Yeah, in the metaverse.

Jesus Christ!

You all just have all the money and the power and you do nothing.

You do nothing.

And? Aren't you like me?

I mean... I thought so, but clearly not.

No, I mean, you're a manager. You represent Pat Dubek and Chase Dreams,

don't they have, like, a billion dollars together?

Yeah, I mean, they probably do, but... And you represent them, which means that

you have power and you have access to their money and power.

So, what are you doing with all of it?

Oh, my God.

I didn't need to leave the industry to do good.

I can do good using...

It's Brooke.

You are not going to believe this, but a straight man actually just taught me

something. And I think I might be ready to come back to work. Oh, good.

Yep. Starting tomorrow, I am going to revolutionize the entire industry.

I am going to use my power for good.

Hold up. Wait.

Are you... Are you okay?

What? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, they really did cut more gay stuff from

the movie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I'm sure they did. Oh, my God. Wait, did

still egg you? Oh, no. Glad didn't.

Oof. Yeah.

Um, hey, would you want to get a drink? I feel like it would be good to talk.

Oh, thanks, but I'm...

Tired. I think I'm just going to head home. Pass out.

Yeah. Uh, okay.

Night, Carrie.

Night.

Oh, my God. My jacket.

You know, it's actually better that you can't tell that Globby's gay because his

sexuality is beside the point on purpose. And if you just give me one

cycle, I can explain how.

Yeah.

Too late too late

Cause this don't never stop. I hope you hear me. I hope you hear me.