Original subtitles

Hey guys.

Can't believe Night Nurse has been out a week.

As we continue to celebrate, let's not forget the amazing crew, who I think

might literally be wizards. At Melanie Design Hair. At Victor Makeup and Hair.

Happy National Nurses Day.

Playing Nurse Lewis was the honor of my life, and I'm so thankful to the writers

for trusting me with him. With wild, complicated, always there when you need

him. Okay, to everyone asking about a Nurse Lewis spinoff, lol, thank you.

But I'm pretty sure this was just a one -off, and I wouldn't want to ruin the

artistic vision. Just took BuzzFeed's Which Night Nurse Nurse Are You? and got

at Beanie Feldstein.

Lol. If you take it, tag me, and I'll post it to my... Sorry for the serious

post, but our line producer's mother's friend's dog is not doing well. So let's

share some love on his Insta. Night Nurse Hive, right? Night Nurse Hive?

My dear God, dude.

Also in the summer schedule, Drapes Disasters with Maria Menounos. She goes

homes where the drapes are just a disaster.

New episodes would air at 2, 2 .30, 3, 3 .30, 4, 4 .30, 5, not 5 .30, and 6.

Sounds great.

Approved. Great. We're so glad you like it. We love Maria and we love drapes.

Okay, moving on, we also have a show with a woman named Alyssa Schechter. She

has eight kids, and she is so, so nice.

And what's that one called?

It's called Alyssa Schechter, She Has Eight Kids, and She Is So, So Nice. Yes,

that way people know exactly what it is.

Approved. Great. Brookie, we have a lot of good programming.

Yes, I am proud to be a part of all these vital shows.

What work we do.

Well, thanks, Pat.

Don't want to take up any more of your time. You've already been here seven

minutes. So, let's clear the elevator and pull her car around. Great work,

everybody. Hi, Mom.

Oh, hold on.

Rookie, I am happy to stay longer if people need anything else from me.

Oh, nope. We just need you once a month for approval. We set it up this way on

purpose. Remember, the talk show was killing you, so go home.

Bowl in your bowling alley. Make guacamole on your guacamole floor.

Well, I've already...

Done all that.

Then hang in the city, take a stroll in Central Park.

You want to take a stroll in Central Park? Yeah, sure, that could be fun.

Okay, then let's head back to your house and get started on all the safety

protocols to make that happen.

Oh, the protocol.

Crap, we forgot one. Can you ask your mom if she likes junk drawer rehab with

David Archuleta?

Uh, hello?

Brooke, where are you? I need you to come do something important.

Really? You promise it's important?

Yes, I need you to help close an 8 million... deal for Chase.

So pack your bag.

You're headed to Los Angeles.

Yeah.

We weren't talking.

Carrie, hey!

Want to come watch Drag Race? Me and some friends are going to order food and

talk over the whole goddamn thing.

Ugh, I don't think I can today.

Boo! You were gone for so long and then had night nurse stuff last week. We need

a dumb hang.

I know.

I do still have night nurse stuff this week, so.

Wow. Really?

Well, if you're free this Saturday, we're binging Australian Survivor, and

there's this guy on it with the hugest nipples you'll ever see.

Ew. No, no, no. They work, and we love them. Okay.

All right. I got to run. Bye. All right. Bye.

Position one.

Okay. That was one. All right. Position two. Two. What in the absolute hell is

going on here? Oh, hey, Kerry. No, I'm just standing in for Chase. You know,

while they get his pit nice and ready.

I'm sorry, his what? Yeah, now that he's 18, he's doing his first ever photo

where he gets to show off his full adult man's armpit.

I mean, I don't know if you've noticed, but up until now, Chase has always had

to wear shirts to cover his pit because it was a child's pit, Carrie. But now

that he's an adult, we can get that big, beautiful thing out there.

I'm not talking about part of the pit. I'm talking about the whole pit, tip to

tip. Okay, this is disgusting. What? No.

Carrie, this is one of the most beautiful moments in a male singer's

I mean, surely you remember the first time you saw JT's pit.

Okay, I do, actually, yes.

Exactly. And now Rolling Stone is going to pay Chase $8 million for exclusive

rights to his pit. They are?

Yes, and GQ is pissed.

I mean, they wanted it bad, and I don't blame them.

It's quite a pit.

Have you seen it? I'm good. Go check it out. Take a peek at the pit before we

start charging admission.

Chase!

Hey, Terry. Come.

I'd give you a hug, but I don't want to mush in my pit hair.

Do not hug him. I've been here since four.

His pit was a disaster.

Well, what I see now looks like $8 million.

And you're okay with this? Oh, yeah. I'm just excited for people to start seeing

me as an adult.

How's my pit looking?

Julie, just the girl I came to see. No, it's the old one. I have been looking

for a publicist to keep making the most of Night Nurse, but I've called everyone

in town and no one said yes. So I thought maybe, um...

You don't want the gig?

Carrie, no offense, but I only do big league stuff. Like this. Fuck!

We're blow -drying it too much. The pit is starting to flake.

But since you came all the way here, I have someone I do think could help you.

I'll text her info.

Oh, my God, Julie, thank you. Thank you so much. Oh, and hey, Brooke has a

license, right? Yeah, why? Well, Rolling Stone is terrified this pit pick is

going to leak, so they don't want us to email it to them or upload it to the

Internet in any way. So I'm going to have Brooke...

drive it across the country on a thumb drive, and hand deliver it to them in L

.A. And she agreed to do this? Basically.

Hey, Lan.

Sorry. I've been M .I .A. I'm not upset anymore.

We're just been crazy.

And fulfilling.

Yeah. Julie's actually sending me to L .A. tonight for a really, really

important... You want me to what?

Brooke, this is how all the big artists transport their IP.

It's how Taylor delivers her music, and now it'll be how Chase delivers his art.

The photo has been secured in the back of this discreet Fresh Direct truck.

So there's just one photo of my brother's pit in this whole truck? No,

$8 million in this whole truck. And if anyone intercepts it, it's your ass.

You know what? I should go, too. Be an extra set of eyes on the lookout for

thieves, someone from GQ, or maybe men's health.

Of course, you know, we're going to need new names. Okay, from now on, you will

be a trucker named Pam, and I will be Rusty Calhoun, your loyal road dog.

I am not doing any of that. Also, you're not coming.

Pam.

God.

Mom gets to spend the day strolling in Central Park.

Okay, so we got approval from the Parks Department to clear the park for an

hour. Now we're just waiting to hear back from the mayor's office.

But Diane is running things there now, so who knows how long that'll take.

Because Diane's bad?

Oh, Gary Dubas. Hey.

So I just got to say, I loved Night Nurse, and I'm going to get you the best

press I possibly can.

Whoa. That's great. Okay, thank you. Let me just make sure I have all the

details correct. You were the third lead, right? Yeah. And it's available on

BOD? It is. And it came out eight days ago? Mm -hmm.

Okay. So I can secure you an exclusive feature on thebrooklynburrito .com.

Oh, um, I was hoping for more, like, Rolling Stone or something.

Well, thebrooklynburrito .com is pretty much the Rolling Stone of websites about

burrito spots in Brooklyn.

Uh, what would the press be?

Oh, it's so fun. You would choose ten burrito spots in Brooklyn. You would get

on Google Maps, figure out how to get to all of them. Then you would buy a

burrito at each. Don't worry. You'd be reimbursed. Just fill out a W -9. And

then you would rank them on a scale of one to five nurses.

You know, for night nurse.

So you would write, like, too much cheese.

Two out of five nurses, or whatever. That's just an example. You're the

If you're interested, they would love for you to pop by their offices today to

chat. You just take the one to the L at the very, very last stop on the F.

And then the article would what? Run on their website with, like, a little

picture of me?

That's exactly right.

You in?

I mean, all press is good press.

Hey, you're cute.

Want to get coffee?

Sorry, I'm like flammed with press.

Whoa, you're hot.

Would you want to go fuck? That is so kind of you, but I have to take a series

of trains to thebrooklynburrito .com and faff.

Hey, um, are you busy right now?

There's this carnival that I thought we could go to and then maybe lay in the

grass after and look at the stars.

Perhaps we can fall in love.

Wow, that sounds comically lovely.

Wish I didn't have to rank burritos, but I do. Goodbye forever.

God.

Hey there.

What are you doing all the way out here in the middle of nowhere?

Working.

I'm a talent manager.

Wow.

I'm impressed.

Don't be.

Right now I'm driving a photo of Chase Dreams' armpit across the nation in a

grocery truck.

Oh. That sounds cool.

I only drive actual groceries, but what you're doing sounds kind of...

important, which is pretty sexy.

It is?

Yeah.

Can I maybe buy you a drink?

Sure. Why not? All right.

Nice try, dude. My job's important. I knew right away you were full of shit.

Who do you work for, GQ?

Oh, yes, damn it!

Wait, really?

Like, you are from GQ, and you are trying to steal this pit? I mean, it is

Chase, all grown up, right? Like, you see his whole pit?

Tip to taint! But unfortunately for you, this beauty's going straight to Rolling

Stone.

Or is it? Because while we were flirting... I stole your key. Huh. Yeah.

I've been doing this a lot longer than you. There, right?

Wait.

And I've been doing it even longer. Oh, shit.

Damn it.

Jesus. Ha -ha.

Even longer.

And now, if you'll excuse us, we have an armpit to deliver.

After you, Pam.

Thank you, Rusty Calhoun.

Carrie Dubek, sorry it's so late. A lot of trains.

I'm here to talk press for thebrickandburrito .com. Wow, you came.

Yes. Why is that weird? Carrie, welcome.

I'm Dr. Weigland.

This is a mental health facility.

Am I not here to review burritos on a scale of one to five nurses?

No, you are here because anyone desperate enough to say yes to that

press... and then actually show up to do it, is deeply unwell.

So the public that Shuley said could help me sent me to a brain doctor?

If you sign this, you'll be voluntarily admitting yourself for one year while we

help your brain heal.

And if you sign this, it gives permission for students at local

study your brain.

For it is that broken.

Hello? Harry!

Rob from Owens & Berger PR.

I'm sorry it took a sec, but we would be thrilled to work with you. Whoa.

Really? Is that true?

Yes. Night Nurse was awesome.

We could start sending you out on stuff tomorrow. There's going to be a lot of

demand for you, Carrie.

Yes. I knew it.

Whoa.

Is that a hitchhiker?

I don't think people still did that.

They don't.

Nice try, GQ!

Oh, my God.

Hey, Brooke, look.

Whoa,

there is a pregnant woman on the side of the road, and her car is on fire.

Streeter, we have to stop.

Oh, Brooke, you sweet child.

You're going to have to try harder than that, GQ.

This is so insane.

Wait, wait. One more.

Well,

Brooks, I think we're getting pulled over.

Yeah, right we are.

This is your biggest one yet.

Okay, so these ones were just cups.

Yay! Oh, my God, you made it!

Come in.

Carrie, this is Nico, Rich, JP, Theo, Tyler, and Paul.

Hi. Hey, hey.

How do you all know each other?

Oh, well, Theo and I met on Grindr a couple years ago, but he wasn't into it.

And Rich and I met on Grindr last month, and I wasn't into it. Then JP and I met

yesterday on Grindr, and neither of us were into it, and Tyler's my barista.

Oh, wait, yeah, you remember Tyler, Nico, and Paul. They were at your

VOD party.

Oh, yeah, of course. Hi.

Hey. I can't believe you all watched Survivor. I thought it was violently

straight. What?

Have you ever met a gay person?

Gary, get in here so I can make you a piece of shit drink.

Oh, sorry.

So, tell me about this publicist. Oh, my God. He got me so many things because

the night nurse is crazy.

Okay, and we're sure he's not also a mental health provider in disguise. No,

no, no. It's all real. I already shot it all. Like, he got me this feature in

Rolling Stone. It's going to be Chase's issue, I think. It's this spread called

The Next James Dean. He shot all these pics recreating James Dean's iconic

And I'm in the new Calvin Klein underwear campaign.

What? I know. Holy shit. No, I'm not like the...

or anything.

It's just a bunch of young actors, like Hollywood, Next Gen, all in our Calvins.

Yeah, I shot my stuff alone.

And then they're going to put in, like, Jacob Elordi and Sadie Sink and other

people. I think it's going to be really cool.

Um, yeah, I think it will.

Jesus. Oh, this is my publicist calling right now.

Oh, my god.

Hello. Carrie.

We just need you to DocuSign releases for everything and we'll be all set.

Okay, yeah, no, I can actually do that right now. I have you... and set.

We have received the final document. Bring us $100 ,000 or we will release

press.

Rob? You have until midnight tonight.

Good luck, dude.

Sorry,

I gotta go. I think I'm being...

Blackmail for $100 ,000.

What happened?

So I'm sure you understand why we brought you in.

First, we tried to pull you over, and you sped away.

Yes, very bad decision, sir.

Then you gave us fake IDs that said Pam and Rusty Calhoun on them. What?

That's so suspicious.

And when we asked to see inside your truck, you screamed no.

and swallowed the key. Huge red flag.

I'd arrest us. We have no choice but to detain you as we try to cut open your

vehicle. Anything you need, Officer Redbrook?

I don't know.

I still think this is a GQ.

What? No.

She's kidding.

I mean, they look like cops.

They certainly smell like cops.

But something tells me they're nothing more than a couple of GQ fags.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not use that language.

Aha! That was a test.

If you were cop, you'd love that word. Look, officers, I promise you, there's

nothing weird in our truck. Just one pic of a teen's armpit, nice and normal.

We're driving across country for work.

Sorry, how is that your job?

Oh, that's good.

They're good, yeah. Oh, how is that your job?

It's so embarrassing.

Well, heard it all before, boys.

In my dream.

Okay, we don't have time for this.

We'll be back once we get the truck open. In the meantime, we will be

you with evading arrest, which is a category D felony.

No, uh, sorry, wait. Someone will be here shortly to bring you to your cell.

Sorry, ma 'am. We really are a cop.

Anyone here?

Uh, hello?

Rob, uh, just had a few questions about our last call.

Where is the money? We are not messing around, Dubek.

Sorry, I just, I don't understand. I, uh, I want this press to be released.

I mean, Rolling Stone called me the next James Dean.

Right? Dubek, you fool. You were the third lead in a VOD film. Rolling Stone

doesn't know shit about this.

But the whole world will know you thought you not did if you do not pay.

Oh, my God.

They'll also know about this.

Wait, this wasn't real either?

Am I not part of Hollywood's next gen?

You're 33 and a half, Dubek. Now bring us our money or else.

Oh, Jesus.

Should I see a brain doctor?

Please don't release the press. I...

I'll get you the money, I promise.

Fuck.

Sorry,

if we are being held, don't we get a phone call? I just want to let my mom or

brother know where I am.

You have two minutes.

I'll be right outside.

Okay.

numbers? The only persons I know is... Fuck.

I can't believe I'm now calling my nurse fiancé at his hospital to tell him I

got arrested while driving my brother's armpit across the country?

It does sound bad, I'll strung out like that.

Hello?

Hey, it's me.

B? Hell yeah, I miss you, baby.

Yeah, yeah, I... I miss you too.

What's going on? How's that big job Shirley gave you?

Yo, hey, make sure you up her morphine until she's comfortable, and then you've

got to dab after. She loves to dab.

Uh, never mind.

Yeah, I had a question, but I figured it out. So I actually got to go. I'm

really busy here.

OK. Well, come home soon. I want to see you, and have fun at GQ.

Wait, what?

Have fun at GQ. When you called me just now, it came up as GQ on my phone.

B.

You're gonna suck it, didn't you?

Hey, rats.

Oh, God.

Hey, Mom.

Carrie!

Oh, yay! What a nice surprise.

How, uh, are you?

I'm good.

On Tuesday, I decided to go for a stroll in Central Park.

That's nice. How was it? Oh, I haven't gotten to go yet. Sorry, ma 'am.

Melissa's at the mayor's office now and wants to know if you want to stroll over

the bridge.

Oh, sure. That could be fun.

Or I don't need to if that would help. Okay, she's fine without the bridge.

Sorry, just in a little bit of a time crunch here. So I shot some press for

Night Nurse.

That was actually compromise.

And now I'm being blackmailed for $100 ,000.

Oh, well, I can give you $100 ,000.

Oh.

Really? Are you sure? Well, yes. If you're in trouble, I want to help.

Though I will need a favor.

Come here for a sec.

Get down.

What's wrong?

If I give you this, you can never, ever post about Night Nurse again.

Wait, what?

I love you so much, Carrie.

But your Instagram presence is not good.

What? Mom, half your Twitter feed is accidental text to people.

Plus, I need to post sometimes.

Like, what about on the one -month anniversary?

No, you won't be able to post then.

Well, what about on Edie Falconer? No birthday post either. If I give you

you need to stop.

Night Nurse was... I loved it. But it's over.

You need to move on, see friends, go on dates. I don't care. Do anything else.

Good news, ma 'am. Yeah? We got approval from the mayor's office. Oh, yay!

Now we're just waiting on JFK to clear the airspace above the park so you're

attacked from above on the stroll.

Oh, yes.

We wouldn't want that.

No, ma 'am.

OK. All right. I promise I won't post anymore.

Then I'll have the money wired.

Now go.

There's a whole big world out there. Go live in it.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Mom. I love you. I love you.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Ah, yes!

I knew those weren't cops!

Suck my dick, GQ!

Hell yeah!

Go off, sister!

I wouldn't have even known they weren't cops if it wasn't for you.

I think you might be one of the... Smartest people I have ever met?

I've been waiting for this day. Also, this picture is important.

It's making Chase happy.

Plus, it's going to be huge for his fans. I mean, I remember the first time

saw JT's pit. I came so hard to that baby for months.

Wait, are we just shuttling porn across the country?

You know what? No. I'm not taking that on. It's not porn.

It's culture. We are shuttling culture across the country.

Peters and Dubek, baby!

Dream team!

Okay.

You came.

Or...

You sort of just missed it.

Oh.

Hi. You mean the carnival?

Wasn't that a couple of days ago?

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, I... I come here a lot.

It's sort of my favorite place in this whole town.

Cotton candy?

Got an extra one.

Sure.

Am I dreaming this?

I feel like you just arrived in my life at the exact right moment.

Or... Sorry, that's an incredibly stupid thing to say out loud.

Hey, no.

You're not stupid.

Thank you.

I just... I've been very obsessed with this movie I was in recently.

Apparently I...

Haven't stopped talking about it for a week.

I guess I was being sort of crazy about it. Like, I didn't think so, but... You

know, there's this place I go to whenever the time's making me feel

Would you want to see it?

Okay, come on.

Oh, it's me.

Sorry about the phone tag, but it looks like I'll be coming home tomorrow.

I actually, I can't wait to tell you about my day. I did something that may

stupid, but also actually kind of big.

Oh, I gotta go. Okay, I love you. Bye.

You look good. Great, thank you.

Gavin, Rolling Stone.

Hi. Thanks for making the trip. I'm sure all the precautions felt kind of dumb.

Oh, no, not at all. I never thought about its dumbness once. Anyway, here

go.

Here is...

One team pit.

Great. Let's take a look.

Take a look.

Okay.

Yep. You had one of the decoys.

One of the what?

One of the decoy pits.

Principal Records knew so many people would be after this, they sent out six

different trucks full of decoys. So you two were transporting this.

Wait. That's not Chase.

That looks exactly like Chase.

Holy fucking shit!

Whoa.

Yeah, this pool is always unlocked, so anytime I'm feeling distressed or crazy,

I come here and just take off my clothes, cannonball in, thing to the

and let it out.

Let it out?

Whatever's bothering me.

Do you want to try?

Do you think maybe we'll be in each other's lives forever?

Maybe, yeah.

I do think this is one of the best nights of my life.

I guess my mom was right. I do need to be in the moment, you know, enjoy my

life.

I like you, Carrie Dubeck.

Wow.

I like you, too.

Nicholas, I don't know your last name yet.

I can't believe it. I can't believe this whole time we didn't even have the

right pitch.

I know.

Shooley really got us. This whole trip was just nothing.

Yep. I mean, like when I stole the keys from that guy.

For nothing.

And you, with the cops. That was also for nothing.

Oh, you are such a nasty little mink, Shooley Couserat. Trina, stop.

Jesus.

I mean, we just... spent a whole week of our one life doing nothing.

I mean, who am I kidding? Even if it had been his pit, it's still nothing.

I feel so fucking stupid that I thought that this was anything other than a

waste of five days.

Yeah, but hey, we had a time. Oh, great. Now Nurse Fantastic is calling me back.

I mean, what the fuck am I doing with my life?

What we both do is nothing.

What we do is fucking nothing!

Yeah, yeah, his name's Nicholas, and we met outside of this carnival, and we

just, like, talked and ate cotton candy, and then we broke into a pool and went

swimming? Oh, my God, that sounds like a movie.

I know, right?

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What? Carrie, tell me, when he walked

you home, did you both...

Run the whole way while holding sparklers in your hands?

Well, now I don't want to answer, but yes.

Yeah, it was freaky. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No, Nico also went out

for this part.

What? What part?

It's another one of those Love, Victor spinoffs called, like, Love, Nicholas.

It's about a gay teen who falls in love with another boy and is afraid his

parents are going to be mad at him.

They show him a parade.

The sides were psycho, but every gay alive went out for it while you were in

Croatia.

actor who got it. Fuck.

His name is Lucas Lambert Moy.

And anytime he books a role, which is constantly, he stays in character the

whole shoot. It's his method.

So you're saying I learned life lessons from a fake gay teen all night?

Yes, bitch.

Oh my god.

I thought we were actually hanging out.

I told him how embarrassed I was that I've been obsessing overnight, nurse.

Oh, well, I mean, I could maybe see that, yeah. I was glad to be in the

with him. But he wasn't in the moment. He was working?

Oh, I'm sorry, friend.

How do you feel?

So unproductive.

Wait, what does this take away?

I need another fucking role.

Now.

Is that you?

Hey. Hell yeah, baby.

I missed you.

I missed you, too.

Sorry I was gone so long. I... How was work?

Very good.

That baby we thought died survived.

We brought it back.

It was the loveliest thing I ever did see.

That's good.

Oh, and you left me a voice message. I don't know. Do you think you did

something stupid but kind of big last night?

Yeah.

I quit my job.