Original subtitles

620, give me that jab on Mulligan.

On the feet.

64853.

McLean?

Okay, perfect. Thank you.

What is this?

What is this? Where am I? Look, what is this? Some little storage closet?

No, this is the security office.

Okay. You know why you're back here?

No. You don't? No.

Because you were stealing products from the store.

I wasn't.

You weren't? Mm -mm.

You know that, like, there's security cameras, not just in the mall, but in

actual store itself.

Did you see those? Do you know they're there?

No. I don't know today. I wasn't stealing. I was literally just...

around shopping.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with it. Yeah.

This is what you wore to the store.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah.

You say so.

Yes.

I'm shopping, okay? It was just a little trip I needed to take. My daughter's

birthday is tomorrow, and I'm just looking at some stuff. I don't care

that. Oh, fine.

Well, you pulled me into this little storage closet to talk to me, so.

It's the security office.

Okay. Whatever you say. I'm all cop.

Do I need to call in some backup in here? I mean, is this what you're going

is the answer you're going to have? Because, I mean, this is an actual, this

not like play.

Okay.

What's your name?

You really need to know my name.

I definitely need to know your name.

Kenzie. K -E -N -Z -I -E.

So, you pulled me into a closet. You're a mall cop.

You want to know my name.

So, what else do you need to... I need your birthday.

My birthday. Ooh, are you going to buy me a present?

Probably not, no.

It's July 2nd.

Do you have some ID on you?

I mean, you drove here. I'm sure you have an ID on you, right?

I left it in my car.

Sorry. Well, how are you planning on paying for the merchandise?

Oh, well, I was going to pick out what I was getting, leave it at the cash

register, go out, get my card. I didn't want to lug my brand new, like, very

expensive designer bag into this store.

Did you steal the expensive bag?

No, I don't. steal. I don't need to steal.

I mean, listen, I'm not judging the situation, but I'm just saying that it

no sense to go into a store, pick out clothing, then go back to your car to

your payment method, then go back to the store. Nobody does that. Okay, well, it

doesn't make sense to you because you're a mall cop, but to me, it makes sense.

I didn't want to bring in my designer bag, lug it in here, and then...

possibly not find anything in here, and then, you know, just end up leaving

empty -handed. So I wanted to come in, pick out what I wanted to get, if there

was anything, which I haven't found anything yet, and then go ahead, leave

the cash register, go get my bag, come in and pay for it, and then leave a

customer. But I haven't found anything yet. So you got my name and my birthday.

What else do you need?

Do you want my blood type? It's O negative.

Oh, negative.

Yeah. I don't need your blood type, thank you. Okay.

What you're saying makes no sense.

Your wardrobe makes no sense, but we're not going to talk about that.

Oh, really? Mm -hmm. Well, it's company policy.

Oh, okay.

I have a job. Do you have a job?

Yes, I do, actually.

What's your job? Who's your employer?

I'm a stay -at -home wife, thank you very much. Stay -at -home? Has anyone

married you? Yes.

I'm a stay -at -home wife. I take care of everything in my house. It's a lot,

okay? There are 17 bedrooms. Do you know how much that takes for my maids to

clean? I'm surprised you can count that high. Yeah, it takes a lot.

There's 17 bedrooms, like eight bathrooms. It's a bedroom.

No, bedroom. Some of them have bathrooms in it. Okay. Yeah. I didn't know that.

It takes a lot. I'm just a mall cop, so I don't know if there's any fancy.

You are. You are. And you're, you know what? You're a mall cop. You're wasting

my time. I actually should be home right now telling my maids what they need to

clean today. Listen, listen. I agree with you. I think you should be home as

well. We would have paid for the merchandise and gone home.

Then we wouldn't be having to take you. I didn't find anything here.

You didn't find anything?

No. Really? Yeah.

Interesting. You and your little clipboard.

These are official.

Oh, okay.

I'm going to take some, too.

Terrible outfit. Check.

Shiny little tap dancer shoes.

Check.

What's your birthday?

Anything else you need from me, or can I be on my way?

You are most definitely not allowed to be on your way.

It's interesting. You say you're married, but you're not wearing a ring.

Interesting. Well, it's the jeweler right now getting cleaned. Really? It's

almost our anniversary.

Really? Uh -huh. Interesting.

And does he know that you come to the mall and occasionally steal items?

First off, I would never tell my husband that I go to the mall. It's

embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing?

Because it's the mall. I work at the mall. What are you trying to say?

Your job's embarrassing. You should be very embarrassed.

What, because I make a living and pay for things?

I mean, you're living, you don't even have a living.

I asked you if you had a job and you said you're a wife. I'm a stay -at -home

wife. It's a lot. Well, you're not home now. And I have a kid, too. You're not

home now. Maybe you should have stayed at home and you avoided those jobs. You

know what? I should have. I could have avoided this little fucking whatever

-this -is closet interrogation session.

It's the security office.

You say it's the office.

My bathroom is bigger than this office, okay?

Anything else do you need?

Congratulations on your big bathroom. Thank you.

Thank you. Yeah, no problem.

Have you been to jail? Do you have a record?

I only have like two or three or four speeding tickets, but no, I've never

to jail.

Okay, I take that back. I went to jail one time.

But it was so stupid. Is that where you met your husband?

No. It was so stupid, okay? I'll just tell you really quickly. It's the only

reason why.

I got pulled over.

Can you please be careful?

Oh, sorry. Ew, ew, ew. I don't know why you're getting angry. I can't believe I

just touched that. You don't need to raise your tone, okay? Ew, I can't

I just touched that. What is that, burlap?

What is that? Ew.

I'm sorry, the bag did not mean to stay in there.

People use that?

Oh, my God.

No, anyway, like I was saying, oh, my God, I can't believe I just touched

Ew.

I lost my train of thought. Oh, I went to jail.

Okay, so this cop pulled me over, right?

Really? Are we going to work this?

Because I don't have time. I got a DUI, okay? And I only had seven glasses of

wine. I couldn't believe it. But that's the only time. But they let me out right

away because my husband has a really good lawyer.

So I didn't get charged. Your husband's a lawyer?

No, he has a good lawyer.

Oh, he has a good lawyer. Yes.

Well, that's good because you're going to need one.

Because you're probably going to go to jail again today.

Yeah, okay. For what?

For stealing.

Okay.

Okay. What is that right there? Is that a camera?

Yeah, I'm recording.

Oh. There's the camera.

Is that because you're a mall cop?

You need to be safe.

Well, it's a common practice.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

I'm sorry. What was that about?

Nothing. I'm just wondering what else you need to ask me in this closet.

You have a clipboard and you've asked me my name and my birthday.

Do you want to know my shoe size? Maybe you can buy me some shoes.

I need a new pair of shoes.

Is that what you were trying to do today, steal some shoes?

No, I wasn't stealing shoes.

Do you have their sneakers, those shoes?

I wore them in. They're mine.

I mean, you say that, but you're clearly a deviant.

Okay, these shoes are designer.

Oh, are they? Everything you have is designer. Congratulations. You know,

privilege to even have you in our little storage unit. I should sign my

autograph on your clipboard. You'd be so lucky.

You'd be so lucky to have my autograph.

God, everybody would be so jealous of you and your little mall cop fucking

break session.

Oh, they'd be so jealous.

They would love that. Would they? Yes, they would eat their donuts and talk

about it and maybe cry.

Were we real cops or were we mall cops? Because I thought only real cops eat

donuts. No, mall cops.

Oh, yeah. No, mall cops probably eat that cheap Chinese food from the food

court. Maybe the pretzels at the food court or something.

Yeah, the scraps. Yeah, the scraps. Yeah, you go through the scraps. Yeah,

that's right. You know, I know a lot of people like you, actually, and you are a

scrap person yourself.

You know, you obviously didn't come from money.

Okay. You're not comfortable with it. Okay. Because you're always bragging

how much you have, yet you still steal.

So if you really had that much money. Oh, you're tough.

You're tough. What's your husband's name?

You don't need to know my husband's name. I don't think you're married. I

you're making it all up. You don't need to know my husband's name. I don't think

you're making it up.

Prove me wrong. What's his name? Donald.

Anything else? You say you have a daughter?

Yes.

Yes, tomorrow's her birthday. She turns 16.

Okay. So the whole reason I came to this shitty place was to look and see if I

could find her, like, a dress, you know, maybe something else nice. I don't

know. I was just looking around.

Hmm. And where is she now?

She's at home.

With her father?

Well, you took my phone or I'd look, but no.

She should be there with her tutor, actually.

Her tutor?

Yes. She's very intelligent.

The tutor? Yes.

Or the daughter?

Both of them.

Okay.

When and where did she get that from?

Probably both of us. We're both so intelligent.

Where is this going? You're wasting so much of my day right now.

I'm just trying to... I could be laying up at the pool right now getting sand.

Listen, I'm actually supposed to be on my break right now. Oh, gosh.

So I'd like to wrap this up as well, but I have a job to do. Do you get pay

breaks or do you have to clock out?

I have to clock out. Oh, okay. What does that mean?

Well, this is your break, so shouldn't you be clocked out?

No, I'm still working. I'm not taking my break. You're sitting on your app.

Because I've got to deal with people like you. You're not working. You're

sitting on your app. Trust me, this is work.

Okay.

Yeah, can you go ahead and...

cue up that footage. I'm going to come down and check it out.

Okay.

Great.

Yep. Yep, thank you.

Okay.

This has been great, really. Like, a lot of fun.

It has been, yeah. But I'm going to go check security footage for a second time

to make sure there was no other angles that have been, you know.

To see that I wasn't stealing and then I can get out of this shithole. Yeah, you

know what? If I see you weren't stealing, I will let you go. But you

here. Okay. Don't try to leave. There's cameras watching you. Don't check out.

Remember you're working. Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Okay. Okay. I'll wait right here in this closet.

You know what?

God, it smells in here.

How do you people live?

Like, oh, God.

It's nice to be able to leave.

You wouldn't know what that's like, but it's nice. Trust me.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

What the fuck?

Oh, my God.

Oh, what am I going to do?

Oh, my God. He took my fucking phone with him.

Oh, my God. He's hit the fridge. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

So you know I shouldn't have put this fucking thing on. Fuck.

I was just, like, doing some jumping jacks and really, like, missed my

class.

Crazy.

Yeah, something's crazy.

Yeah.

Okay, so I have good news.

Okay, perfect. And bad news.

All right, what's the good news? Okay, the good news is you're not going to

to go to jail. Yes!

Okay. Will do. Yeah.

The bad news is, obviously, the cameras.

Showed you the alien.

Where did your dress go?

What are you talking about? Where did your dress go?

I'm wearing my dress.

What are you talking about? The dress that you had on. Where did it go?

I'm literally wearing the dress.

You're wearing a dress?

I was standing up, and I was, like, doing some jumping jacks. Right now, I'm

missing my afternoon workout class, okay? You have no idea how important

cardio is for my body.

So that's why I'm, like, a lot of breath.

It's just, like, stretching and jumping jacks, which is hard in heels.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ew,

I would not touch that.

That smells like broke people.

Nah, you would know.

Ugh. I wouldn't, actually.

Oh, you wouldn't? No.

Because you have tons of money.

A lot, yeah.

Yeah. Mm -hmm.

What's this?

I don't know.

Why the fuck would I know what's in your...

security office closet drawer. I'm gonna open this drawer. Okay. Ooh, okay.

I'm scared.

Oh, no. Those are my medical gloves.

Oh.

Be careful.

This is such a waste of time. Oh, my God. Is it? Okay. My husband is gonna be

mad.

Get this fucking show on the road here so I can get out of here.

That's a great question.

This is the dress that you had on underneath that dress.

I did not.

You definitely did. No, I didn't. I have never seen that dress.

Or that, whatever that is.

Yeah, we're going to talk about this.

Sure,

let's talk about it. I've never seen that before. I would not put that on my

body. Put what? Put that dress on your body?

Yeah.

You want me to go look at the footage?

See what it says?

I mean, you have to be a special type of fucking... So, you know.

Okay.

Okay, can we just talk for a second?

Can you just sit down and can we just talk for like a moment where you

act like a nice guy?

For one minute.

Oh, I thought I was just a fucking mall cop.

Did you just sit down for one minute, please?

Put

it

on pretty quick.

Okay, so here's how it goes.

I left my bag in my car accidentally.

It's not locked in there, but I think it is. I don't know. I was too lazy to go

back out and check. But my daughter's birthday is tomorrow.

My husband filed for divorce.

I can't spend a lot of money because I don't want him to get upset with me. She

really wanted a dress and a crown for her sweet 16.

So... I came to this shitty store because I always hear cutting out little

pictures of different things that she likes.

And this disgusting floral print was one of the things.

And a crown. She always wanted a crown. Cutting out pictures.

What is it, 1995?

I don't know.

That's what she does. She calls it mood boards.

And she cuts out pictures and does things. Yes.

Well, you're describing to me your situation. It sounds like, what was the

you used? Poor people problems?

Sounds like poor people's problems. It's really not, though. It's different than

that. Is it different? Until our divorce finalizes and I get all of Donald's

money, or at least three -fourths of it, which is what I'm owed after 10 years

of marriage to him.

And the reason I'm not wearing my ring is, yes, it is at the jeweler's right

now, and it is getting cleaned because I want his new little girlfriend to see

how big and beautiful it is when I wear it. But that's besides the point.

This is for my daughter. Her birthday's tomorrow, and I just wanted to do

something special for her on my own. Let me, okay, Kinsey, let me just stop you.

Okay. I'm sorry that whatever you're going through is what you're going

Sounds condescending, but I'll take it.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

But you stole items, expensive items, from the store.

There's video footage of you taking the items out of the store with no intention

to pay for them. As you told me, you were picking them out and then you were

going to leave them and then go get your bag. You didn't do any of that. You

took them with you.

I'm going to call the police.

No, please don't.

Please don't. I'm going to call the police. That's the last thing I need

now. But before I call the police, I have to obviously search you to make

you're not hiding anything else.

Okay, I'm not hiding anything else, but please just think about this.

Please. Think about what?

No, but I'm not calling the police. There's got to be something else. I'll

community service if that's what it takes. Community service?

Yes, but I'll put a disguise on. I'll put a wig. I'll take my nails off. No, I

won't take my nails off. I'll wear gloves.

I'll wear some ugly outfit. So you don't actually touch the people?

No, so that people don't know it's me because my friends can't see me. You

friends? Yes.

Really? Yes.

You're confident in that answer.

Sometimes.

Yeah.

It's hard to have friends, right? When you're crazy.

I'm not crazy.

That's just what my doctor says.

Yeah. Why don't you put the crown on? Let me see it. You wanted it. Let me see

it. I don't want it. It's for my daughter.

Put it on.

Ow. Ow.

It hurts.

Yeah, life hurts.

That's why the crown is heavy.

Is this a joke?

This is hilarious.

Your little bumfuck analogies are, like, the greatest thing ever. I love it. I

live for this shit. Okay.

Search me. I don't have anything else.

You can figure that out.

What do you want me to do? It looks like you've been searched before.

No, I haven't, actually.

I'm just standing up because obviously you can search me when I'm sitting.

What do I need to do?

Put your arms down. Have you been through airport security or do you fly

private?

I fly private mostly.

Yeah.

Okay.

That's my boob.

I know what boobs are. Thank you. Make sure there's not hiding something in

here. There's nothing in them. I don't have a bra on.

Nothing in them. They don't seem real to me. No, they're fake, but there's

nothing in them. Keep your arm extended, please. Oh, my God.

You are really something else. You know that? Yeah, I know.

Oh, yeah.

I don't have anything.

Did you pay for those earrings?

Yes, I did.

Did you? Yes.

What's this? I think you're doing something because I don't have anything.

I'm going to have to ask you to remove the dress because it just keeps going

right now. Is that really necessary?

Absolutely.

Oh my god. I can take it all for you.

No, I'll take it off.

God. Turn around.

That's crazy.

Oh god, I don't want my dress on the floor.

Ew, ew, ew, ew.

Okay.

You don't have to, like, shove them in my face like that.

I'm not. I'm covering them up.

I don't have a brawn.

There's nothing. It's cloth material.

It's designer. Don't shake it too much. I have to dry clean it.

Oh, my God.

It's not in there.

Take off your panty.

Oh, my God. Is that really necessary?

Also, why is there a camera right there?

Is that your perv cam?

I'm sorry, my perv cam? Yeah. I think perverted is happening here. Okay.

You just said take your panties off. Yeah, because I need to make sure I'm

hiding something.

I mean, because if I was somebody and I was hiding something, that's probably

the place I would try to hide it, because that's the last place anyone's

to look, right? Oh, my God.

I mean, I'm going to hit something in the fucking... This is so humiliating.

Yeah, no joke.

Oh, my God.

No joke.

This is why you shouldn't steal shit.

Oh, my God.

What is wrong with you?

Oh, my God. You have a perv cam and you're sniffing my panties? I wasn't

sniffing them. I was making sure that sometimes people like to, you know,

I won't get into it. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, my God.

I don't know if that's necessary.

Can you spread your leg, please?

This is fucking crazy.

Okay. Okay, I had the dress on and the crown around my leg, and, like, that was

it. Mm -hmm.

Make sure you're not hiding anything.

What would I possibly hide?

What the fuck would I put in the cheap store of my pussy?

Oh, my God.

This is terrifying.

You'd do this to every girl I got.

Every girl, every guy.

Ew!

You have a problem? What's wrong with you?

What is going on?

I'm not.

This is crazy.

Oh, my God.

Can we stop moving?

I'm sorry, but I'm not used to a mall cop grabbing me.

I'm more than a mall cop. Okay. Sorry, security officer at the mall.

Oh, my God. This is so unnecessary.

How much longer until we're done?

Whoa. That's kind of up to you.

Oh, my God.

Put this on.

Oh, my God.

Ew. I mean, you wanted it.

Can I just put my own dress back on?

You don't put it all the way on.

I'm never stealing from this store again. I'm just going to go to the other

Okay. So, good news, bad news, right?

Good news is you're going to give me my panties and my dress back and my phone,

and I'm going to be on my way.

Yes. Okay, cool.

But first, you're going to... I need you to do something.

What?

I don't want to go to jail, so what?

Well, you know, you're attractive.

You're very sexy.

I know, thank you. Yeah.

Well, the thing is, it's so hard being beautiful. You know that? Yeah.

Yeah. Guys like me. Guys like all guys, really. We like sexy women like you.

Thanks. Yeah. I know. I'm ridiculously good looking. Yeah.

Yeah. Tell me something I don't know, though.

I want you to suck my cock.

Oh.

Wow. That was cross.

You're serious?

Yeah.

But you have, like, all these cameras.

I can turn them off later.

I can change the footage. You have so many cameras. I can change the footage.

That's not a problem.

Okay, so that camera right there, is that actually, like, your own camera?

This camera's not even recording anymore.

Okay.

I just pressed the button.

Okay, so, I have a question. So, I agree.

to suck your cock you will not call the police and i will not go to jail i mean

that's basically the gist of it or i can call the police right now

you can go to jail for i would say you spend the night there but like i know

that you have a record so i don't My daughter's birthday is tomorrow, okay? I

can't. I can't go to jail. I know. If I'm in jail on my daughter's birthday,

I'll never forgive myself.

Then all you have to do is take those pretty little lips.

No.

Get on your knees.

Get on your knees.

Oh, my God. Oh, the floor.

You're going to let me go if I do this, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm going to let you go if you do a good job.

You better put more effort in sucking cock than you do in getting away with

stealing things.

You're not very good at that.

Well, I was a high school slut, so I would say that I'm pretty good at

cock. But don't talk about all that. You know that's the first... time you told

the truth this entire... Don't tell Donald, though. He doesn't know. He

that I lost my virginity to him.

We know that's not true.

Is this normally what you do when people shoplift?

You pull them in here, search them when they're naked, and then tell them to

suck their cock?

That's it.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Okay,

I fucked your cock.

Can I go now?

Uh, no.

You cannot go.

Okay. Oh, I get it.

You want to cum.

It's not even okay. Suck me to completion, as they say. Keep going.

Okay.

Only because it's my only option. Yeah, keep going.

Stroke it.

You should tell me what a slut you are.

Tell you what a slut I am? Yeah. Tell me what a slut you are.

I'm such a dirty slut. Say it like you mean it or I'll call the fucking police.

I'm such a dirty little slut.

I just can't get enough of this cock.

You better check that out too.

You do have a nicer cock than Donald's. I'll say that, though.

You like this office now?

This closet?

Yeah. That's a nice closet.

Office. Mm -hmm. Office.

Mm -hmm. Oh, this office.

So good. Oh, fuck this office. Oh, my God.

Yeah, stroke it. Just like that for a while.

Why is your camera so on?

It's not on. Sometimes it just blinks when the battery's dying.

Oh, okay. Sure. Yeah.

Yeah, you like that, don't you?

On your little perv cam.

The battery's dying. Oh, no.

I know you take this camera with you home.

Little security officer perv cam.

Keep sucking.

Yeah, that's what you like to do? Sit in your chair.

I love it.

It's great. In your office.

You're such a hard worker staying clocked in to get your cock sucked.

I don't even want to get it for my daughter anymore. It's so gross on the

This

is probably

the perk of your salary, huh? Yeah. Getting to do this? Mm -hmm. Yeah. Well,

they're not as hot as you.

You ever get any gum jobs from the old ladies?

You want me to call the police?

Oh, fuck yeah.

Okay.

Now I can leave?

No, stay up there.

On the table?

Yeah.

And do what?

Bend over?

Or sit on it? What do you think?

Stand up, turn around, sit down.

I feel

like you've

used this table a lot.

You should take your camera off if he's dying.

Oh, my God, she's going to love me.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Not yet.

I like that. You don't know.

Yeah.

You had to give everybody a show, right?

Yeah.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Fuck those big fucking titties.

Yeah, that's why Donald bought them.

Oh, I gotta fucking steal more often.

Oh, fuck you.

fucking dress.

I'm flipping on this fucking dress.

I hate it. I don't want it anymore. Get it out of here.

Oh, fuck.

Oh my God.

stay on the clock to fuck some pussy.

Man, you have the best job.

You really should stay at the mall, you know? Yeah? Yeah, you should.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Fucking cock.

Oh my God. Oh

my

God.

You're out of time.

Get inside.

Get inside.

It's fucking me.

Fuck you.

Holy fuck.

You know what? I fucking love it.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh,

my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Come here. Yeah. Yeah.

Now you can get dressed and go.

Thank you.

I'll be sure to shoplift here more often.

Don't forget these.