Original subtitles

Instrumental

I'm pushing the envelope,

but everything I write's a joke,

a literary trope.

Ma pants!

Whit are you daein' there!?

I get feart during the night sometimes.

You got them?

- Got whit? - Ma pants.

Whit the bloody hell would I have your pa...

No' this again.

[Yip Man - A Lesson Learned)

- Happy Birthday to you, happy... - No, no, more emphasis on the 'you', please.

Sorry?

- 'You'. - Me?

- No, 'you'. - Me?

Are we really doing this? I'm talking about the part of the song,

'Happy birthday to you', okay?

Really hit that, really give it the body of your being.

For God's sake Berry, it's 'Happy Birthday'! Plus, there's going to be plenty of other people singing it with me.

Yeah but they need you to lead them. The song sets the tone for the entire evening.

- Planning your own surprise party, narcissistic! - Narcissistic? Narcissistic!?

By taking control of the situation, I negate the risk of any calamity that could arise through other people planning it for me.

But by planning your own surprise party, surely that negates the surprise?

Bothersome details. Let's try this again shall we? One, two, three...

Happy Birthday to...

You.

How are ye even meant to do the long ones!?

Instrumental

ARGH!!!

Lookin' good!

- You no' getting ready? - Naa. It's only half two, man.

Hmm, fair point.

- Wee scran before we go out? - Aye!

Whit we got?

Beans in there. Couple of pies anawl.

Pie 'n beans?

Aye.

Livin' the dream.

Livin' the dream.

Eh, left a bit. Bring your side down a bit Lucy. Up a bit, Sapphire.

Aw, that's it! Perfect.

I still don't understand why you're here. This is supposed to be your surprise party.

Sapphire...

To negate the risk of any calamity that may arise from others organising it.

Well remembered. Someone's got to make sure this party's planned properly. Why not let that person be me?

Well, you better pretend to be surprised. I hope your acting is better than your party planning.

Three years of drama training won't fail me.

Where did you study?

The streets.

Well, I can't wait for tonight. I can't remember the last time I had a night out.

We went out on Thursday!

Aw yeah!

- Ohh, whit you got on? - Lynx Africa!

Oh aye, out to impress somebody tonight? I wonder who that could be, eh?

- No' looking too bad yersel Georgie boy! - Oh aye, I'm all about the yellow.

Man O/S: Cuttla swingers man!

For God's sake! I'm trying tae have a quiet pint here.

I cannae even walk down the street without somebody shouting that at me.

I know. I even got it in the chemist's the other day.

Whit were ye getting?

Anusol.

Yer asking for it there then Steve.

We're known faces now. On the radar. Every move being analysed.

It's like we're on Love Island.

How?

Every move being analysed.

And we share a bed sometimes.

Aw here...

I've got a missed call from Pippa.

Aye, me anaw.

Awk we'll phone her back tomorrow. No acting chat tonight.

Aye, I cannae be bothered talking to her yet.

Besides, it's about us tonight Steve.

- And Berry. - Oh aye, and Berry.

- Here, what did you end up getting him anyway? - Just put money in a card.

- Aye... put my name on the card? - Aye.

- You got a pen? - Whit would I have a pen for!?

- Hey oh! - How's it goin' Paul?.

Aye not too bad. Yknow how it is, an absolute nightmare to get changed in they work's toilets.

Especially wi' these buggers... ooh ya!

Aw cheers for daein' that shift for me, by the way.

I didn't do a shift for ye today Steve.

- Naw? - No.

Shite.

You wantin' a pint?

Aye, aye why not George.

Pint of lager, Shug!

- Here, what did yous get Berry for his birthday by the way? - Awk we just put money in a card.

Oh, that's a good idea actually.

I might dae the same.

- Is that the card there? - Aye.

Go on then Steve, whack my name on the card.

Aw aye, that's a nice thing that.

- Oh aye, thoughtful. - Aye, aye he'll like that.

So after they read the poem, they were so impressed that they offered me two weeks in Cancun, all inclusive.

- All inclusive? - All inclusive.

Of course, with skin like mine, two weeks of sun is a bit much, but it was a nice gesture.

Aw, tune!

...little games that you play,

crying thunderstorms on sunny days.

Are you an experienced trickster?

Or a masterful mixer?

Applying make-up to your poker face.

Finally! I was wondering when the 'Slab boys' would appear.

Phil, Spanky... but where's Hector?

We can't bury him!

Because we've already burned him!

Look, speak to uncle Malcolm about it, okay?

Right, bye Gran.

Whit you daein' here? Is this no' meant to be your surprise party?

It is! I've got it all planned out. I'm going to be surprised in exactly 20 minutes.

- Whit? - Well, Happy Birthday Berry!

We got ye a wee something.

- This is from all of us. - Aw thank you, you shouldn't have.

Two pound thirty...

How incredibly... precise.

Aye, sorry. The taxi was a wee bit more than we expected.

But it's emm... it's a pound a drink in here isn't it?

It's two pounds a drink.

Oh.

So, ehh... I love what you've done wi' the place Berry. Balloons 'n that.

Y'know, it reminds me of my Auntie's 50th.

All that's missing is my uncle Andy stoating about pished, and the DJ playing The Nolans.

The Nolans?

Y'know, The Nolans!

I'm in the mood for dancing, romancing and...

Oh yes! Yeah...

Aye, The Nolans.

- So, what age are you anyway Berry? - Good question George.

What age is a fine wine when it finally matures?

Is a tree ageless as long as the birds still have a home?

If a castle, on a hill...

Just tell me yer age Berry.

Twenty two.

Cool.

Well, thanks for coming George. Bar's just over there.

Oh right...

Aye...

Want tae gie yersel peace!

- It's the wee back bit! - The wee back bit?

Aye, the wee back bit never behaves itself.

Right, stand still.

There ye go.

- Aw cheers mate. - Aye, nae worries.

What yous having boys?

- Kenny? - Aye.

- Do you work here anaw? - Aye.

You must be gettin' humped off the taxman.

Ehh, two beers please Kenny.

There's a missed call from Pippa.

- D'you think we should phone her back? - Naw mate, come on, we agreed, no agent chat tonight!

Aye, but this is the third time.

Look, tonight's about celebrating. Celebrating Berry's birthday.

It's about celebrating friends, new and old.

It's about being grateful. Being grateful for one another.

Aye, aye you're right.

- Listen, I'm going to need you to bolt soon, right? - Whit!?

Well I'm meeting Lucy here for a drink. She'll be arriving any minute.

Aw is that how it is eh? Ditch yer pals for some lassie?

Aye!

Aye, I'd dae the same.

Instrumental

Four pounds, boys.

You got two pounds Steve?

...and reveal all I want to hide.

Deep, deep down...

Lucy...

Awright mate, I'm Craig.

A pint please, mate.

- Steve. - Aw right, how d'you know Berry?

- Aw, he stays below me. - Aw right.

You?

I used to work wi' him up the bingo, years ago.

- Bingo? - Aye!

Rumbling the old baws, eh?

Eh? Naw, we were cleaners.

...to occupy your time,

distractions are harder and harder to come by...

Awright. I'm Berry, Barry's pal.

D'you no' mean 'Barry, Berry's pal'?

How, whit did I say?

Well you said you were Berry, Barry's pa...

URGHHH!

...drip feed me the valium.

{Yip Man - Not That Easy]Cos you might be in my pocket, hiding in my wallet...

Pina Colada!

Beer. Please.

Stuart?

Steve.

Lucy said something about a card for Berry going around.

Aye, I'll add yer name.

Who are you again?

I think the real question, Steve, is who are you? What are you?

What are you?

I'll just put 'from yer pal'.

No! Put 'Welcome to The Pier'.

Aye, I can see if there's any jobs going at the call centre.

See, I've only been working there a wee while, but I'm basically the main man now.

- Oh, very impressive! - And, I'll make sure that you get the desk next to me.

- I thought you worked next to Steve? - Aye, but we'll shift him!

See between me and you, he does what I tell him.

Oh really?

Steve! Paul says...

Woah! Woah! Whit ye daein'?

Don't go shoutin' that across the room, let the man enjoy the party.

So, eh, art school.

Aye, I love the drawings 'n that.

Monet...

Ehh... Richard Van Gough...

...painters 'n that.

I felt the bitter pang of jealousy

as you said all you had been doing

Paul! Paul!

since I last saw you when I returned your keys

and everything was still confusing.

D'you know where the pishers are?

Ehh, over there.

I'm gonnae go.

Right.

Yeah I'm just a broke, skinny white ghost.

I always said I'll do it tomorrow...

- You on the water then, eh? - Got to keep youself hydrated, Paul.

Absolutely! Do you mind if I...

- Is that Sambuca? - Keep your voice down! Aye!

Someone got Berry a bottle of it for his birthday.

So, wait, you filled up your water bottle wi' Berry's birthday booze?

Precisely! I drank all the water first though, so I've basically had my 5-a-day.

Aw right, but it's only like two pounds a drink in here.

Ye think I'm made of money?

Aw right, well, why don't I go and get us a couple of drinks then?

- Yeah, great! - Great!

Awright Steveo!

- Aye not bad Paul, yersel? - Aye not bad at all.

Y'know, a couple of Sambucas and this party actually becomes bearable.

You had Sambuca?

Ehh... aye...

Funny. No' seen you at the bar.

Naw? Aw right, ehh... well, that'll be because... emm...

Well, obviously y'see... the thing... emm...

Awk, look, Sapphire's got Sambuca in a Volvic bottle.

I'm standing here paying two pound a drink and you're battering intae the Volvic?

Away and get me some!

Well I cannae, she's finished it.

It's Sapphire we're talking about!

She's probably battering a bottle of Berry's birthday booze in to a bottle of Evian as we speak.

Are you standing here yourself?

Naw, naw, I'm waiting on...

I'm waiting.

Off ye go.

- Aye, but I'm wanting to get a... - Off ye go!

Some folk.

Instrumental

- Hello. - Hi.

- Holly. - George.

I know. I saw your advert.

I've been trying to pluck up the courage to talk to you all night.

Don't be silly, I don't bite.

Can I just say, you look breathtakingly stunning.

Thanks. You're not too bad yourself.

Thanks.

So how do you know Berry?

Aw I don't really. I'm friends with Sapphire.

Aw me too.

Would you like to go for a drink?

That would be lovely.

This way.

Holly!

- Holly! Holly! - Kevin...

- I had to see ye. - What are you doing here?

Sapphire texted me. I've missed you so much.

I've missed you too.

I spent a long time kissing the canvas

and I would clinch and hold if I thought we'd get through this

barnburner.

Barnburner.

Barnburner.

It's over, it's over, it's over.

Awk I've already put your name on the card, for fu...

- Hiya. - Lucy!

Hi! Lucy! Lucy goosey...

- What? - I dunno why I said that.

- How ye doin'? - Yeah I'm good. Glad I finally got a chance to get you that drink.

- I got caught up with a few folk. - Naw, naw allow me.

No, honestly Steve, I insist.

No, no, no, I insist.

I actually know the barman personally.

Two vodka cokes, Kenneth my good man.

Four pounds, Steve.

Whit, but you've no' even poured them yet.

Four pounds, Steve.

- D'you take card? - Aye.

Birthday card?

Are you asking me if I accept birthday card as a form of payment?

Aye but it was just a wee joke...

Right, ehh, listen, there's a fiver, okay? Keep the change.

Cheers, Kenny.

- So, are you enjoying the party? - Yeah, it's turned out quite good hasn't it?

- It actually has. - I can't wait for Berry to get his surprise.

- Aye, same. - Great to see the turnout for him.

Glasgow's really starting to feel like home, y'know.

- Well, good. It's a great place to be. - It is.

- Thank you, by the way. - Thank you for what?

Just being nice. You've been great. You and George.

Awk, don't mention it... maybe mention it to Gordon though.

Actually, I was going to say, if you're not busy after this, maybe we could share a taxi back to the flat and chill?

I think the others are going out, but I've got some vodka and beer that I've hidden from Sapphire if you fancy it?

- Aye, I definitely fancy it! - Sorted! Cool.

Cool.

George O/S: STEVIE!

George O/S: C'MERE!

Look, I'm just going to nip to the toilet, okay? I'll be right back but.

- Okay, I'll just get us two more. - Great! Yeah, great.

Look, I'll be right back.

- Great! - Great.

Surprise!

Oh I'm so surprised!

Hey it's Berry, it's the birthday boy! Happy Birthday Berry!

This one's for you. We've been Yip Man, have a great night folks.

It's about time we stopped,

before the blackout.

Phone camera roll

to fill in all the holes

and retrace our steps,

as if the best nights you can get

are the ones you don't remember

or the ones you might regret.

And baby if there's one thing that's true,

I don't know the first thing about you.

Doesn't mean that I didn't love you once.

And I never seen it before...

- Whit is it? - Right, wait til ye hear this!

- Ye cannae stand there. - I'm no' pishing.

- Yer too close. - I'm no' pishing but.

- It's the rules! - I'm no' pishing!

You're still close.

- Listen tae me, I heard Pippa's voicemail. - Whit!?

Naw, George, we agreed. No acting chat tonight.

I know, I know, I know. I'm sorry. There was nothing going on. I was curious.

Right, I really need to get back to Lucy. It finally looks like something might happen.

Steve, listen! You and me, we've both been cast in...

- Whit!? - Director saw us in the swingers advert.

Says me and you, we're both perfect!

Naw, whit!? How!? Whit!?

We've to be in London tomorrow morning!

We need to go right now.

- Right now? - Aye, right now.

How, have you got something better to do?

This is our one shot. You won't get any bigger than this.

- Do you know who's in this? - Who?

Right, ehh, just give me a minute.

Naw, naw we need to go right now, c'mon!

Have you booked the taxi yet?

Pfft, naw, d'you think I'm made of money? We'll get the bus.

Instrumental

We're only human,

drunk on the idea that love,

only love can heal what's broken.

It's about time we stopped.

I know we're only human,

drunk on the idea that love,

only love can fix what's broken.

It's about time we stopped.

It's about time we stopped.

It's about time.

You alright?

- Bit nervous. - Same.

D'you think this is the right move?

What d'you mean?

I mean, like, leaving Glasgow.

I don't know if I want to leave. I like it here.

- So dae I. - Then why are we leaving?

It's no' forever. It's just for a job.

Why don't we make our own jobs, here?

Eh?

Why don't we write our own thing, set here.

Something that doesn't degrade Scottish people or the way we talk.

Just about normal folk in Glasgow, trying to make a living.

- Normal folk? - Aye.

What d'you think?

- Naa. - How?

Sounds pish.

Oh, this little home.

Oh, this little home.

Oh, this little home that we made.

Instrumental.