Original subtitles

Instrumental

- Alright Luce! - Hey Sapphire! You're up early.

You're not wrong Lucy, you are not wrong.

- So what's this then? - New project. Sketching an animal.

- Didn't know you were allowed pets in here. - Good for the soul Lucy, no one can deny that.

- I used to go dog walking. - You had a dog?

Happy days. Gordon found out though, took her off me.

What? He took her off ye? How's he even allowed to do that?

Was his dog.

I'm over it though, bought a fish.

Cannae take a fish a walk though Lucy. Cannae walk...

or swim.

Just floats at the surface really. Borin'.

- Mediocre! - Everything okay Berry?

Like a wounded lioness protecting her young, a soaring eagle with clipped wings,

or a lonely housewife devoid of triple A's for her vibra...

So you're not okay then?

- No. - What is it? Maybe I can help.

I don't wish to burden you.

You are my oldest and closest friend Berry, you can tell me.

You wouldn't understand, nobody would.

Writer's block?

Yeah. I have no inspiration!

Oh Sapphire, one creative to another, how do you break through that wall?

Animals. Take your inspiration from animals.

They're so uninhibited. They do what is necessary whilst still providing pleasure for others.

Let's hear what you've got so far then.

We must escape this lonely land, we must decide our own luck.

It's time, my dear, to take my hand...

And get ourselves tae fu...

Well that was, eh... that was definitely sounding good so far Berry.

Who you writing that for?

Jet Away Holidays. You won't believe how much they're paying me...

Thousands.

- Pounds? - Pesetas.

Bloody brexit.

Okay, okay, well that seems quite heavy for a travel company.

What about...

It's time my dear to take my hand, and walk along the golden sand...

Yeah, yeah!

In our trunks and in our shades, we'll build sandcastles with buckets and spades...

Down at the beach where we long to be...

Wi' a hauf bottle a Tonic, and we're pishin' in the sea!

Well, emm, it was definitely sounding good though guys.

Instrumental

I am sweating in this thing, man. But dyou know what?

It's so comfy that I'm not even gonnae take it off.

Right, back to it then.

Paul...

- I'm ready. - No you're not! Become the dog.

- I am the dog! - Become the dog.

- I am the dog! - Become the dog!

- But Lucy's sitting right... - DOG!

Woof.

Now we can start.

- Silencio! - Oh, Italian! That's quite good int it?

- What is it Berry? - The masterpiece is finished,

and as Ringo once said, 'I got by with a little help from my friends'.

Alas!

There's no place I'd rather be, than with my friends down by the sea.

Drinking wine and wearing shades, the sun shimmers down over bucket and spades.

So if you want sun, and time to play, fly with us at Jet Away.

Aw well done Berry! That was great mate!

Thank you! Although I can't take all the credit, after all, you all were my inspiration.

Naw that was smashing mate, well done. Although, couldn't help but notice you ya cheeky wee devil, eh?

Using some of our lines!

How much did you say you were getting paid for this again?

You can't measure creativity in pounds, pesetas or Pedigree, Paul. Only pleasure.

Well of course I know that Berry, we all know that. But I mean, money wise, how much are you gonnae make out of this?

- And as the sun sets on another... - It’s just because I helped you with some of the lines y’see Berry.

- I must jet away to my room! - I'm only getting paid expenses and travel for this!

Berry! I'm starving.

We have got to stop meeting like this.

Rubbish line!

How ye doin'?

- Aye alright, you? - Aye, fine, aye.

- You not meant to be working today? - Got sent home early.

- Early? - Yeah.

- On your first day? - Yeah.

After half an hour?

- Zero hour contracts for ye. - Aw.

I was going to come up but I was nackered after everything.

And by 'everything' I mean saying Welcome To The Pier a few times this morning.

- Well I wouldn't want to be welcomed to The Pier by anybody else. - Ah, cheers!

Just hope my hours don't keep getting cut. End up having to move home at this rate.

Naw, naw don't do that. I mean, I would miss ye. We would both miss ye.

If ye want, I can have a word with Simon at the call centre, see if there's anything going.

- Really? - Aye! Awk he loves me.

Might take ye up on that, cheers Steve.

So, you enjoying it at all... the time that you've been there?

'Enjoying' is a bit strong. Have you ever been in?

Me? Ooft naw! I'm nowhere near stylish enough to shop in there.

Aye that's probably why we get on.

So what's with the bunnet?

Aw, it's no' a bunnet.

It's a flat cap. Makes me look more like an actor eh?

I guess so...

Do you fancy going for that drink sometime? I still owe you one.

You no' taken that rubbish out? It's like a pigsty doon here.

What you two up to today then?

- We're off to meet Pippa. - Pippa?

- Aye. Pippa Perkin. - The acting agent I was telling you about.

- Aw, amazing! Are yous going to sign with her then? - Awk, we'll see what she's got to offer.

- Whit ye wearin' a bunnet for Steve? - It's a flat cap.

- Whit ye wearin' a flat cap for? - It makes me look... arty.

- Arty? - Aye, arty. Like an actor 'n that. For the agent.

Take the bunnet aff Steve.

I cannae work like this!

Awright. Bunnet.

Flat cap!

C'mon Lucy! Here, boy!

Paul O/S: Naw, and I'll no' be back!

- Whit's goin' on there? - Paul's being Sapphire's model for the day.

- Model? - Aye, sorta.

- Good luck with your meeting. - Aw thank you, Lucy.

- Paul the model eh? - Why is he dressed like a bear?

Right, George, see when we meet this agent, just play your cards close to your chest, y'know?

- Play it cagey. - Eh?

- Keep it cool, y'know? Play it smooth. - Aye, nae worries Steve.

- Smooth. Cool. - Aye, got to keep our wits about us.

- We're no' fannies. - Aye.

Right, get us a roll 'n sausage eh?

- Can you no' just wait til after the meeting? - Naw, I'm starvin'.

I cannae concentrate on an empty stomach.

'Mon, nae onions.

- Just go in yersel. - Naw! You-know-who works in there.

Who's 'you-know-who'?

- Y'know! My ex! - Your ex?

- Whos' your ex!? - Shhh! Keep yer voice doon!

- Sam. - Sam?

Aye. Sam.

Sorry mate, I forgot...

- about yer made up relationship wi' Sam! - Eh!?

- Awk yous never went out! - Aye, we did so!

Naw yous didnae!

Listen, it might have been when we were younger, but it still counts, in my heart.

Just because you made an arse of yourself in front of Lucy, doesn't mean I have to in front of her.

Awright, awright, I'm sorry.

So remind me, how did it end?

She broke it off with me.

Said I was becoming too serious for her. She wanted to take it slow.

Really slow.

So slow, things weren't moving at all.

- Concentrate on her career. - Really?

Aye.

- It was for the best though Steve. - That's the spirit mate.

- Chin up 'n all that. - Aye.

I've never told anyone this before, but I think she was being unfaithful.

Unfaithful?

Aye. Well, I was really starting to fall for her, quite hard.

She was all I ever wanted in a woman. I never even thought of anyone else, never mind looking at them.

Then one day, I was going to the van to see her before college and I turned the corner, and I could see her,

looking beautiful as always, just glowing from behind that counter.

I couldnae take my eyes off her.

She's serving a guy from the building site across the road, nothing out of the ordinary.

But then after the transaction is complete, the guy stops, turns back,

asks for sauce...

Broon sauce.

She looks him in the eye, smiles, then hands him three sachets of broon sauce.

Three! The standard sauce distribution fae the van is two.

Two!

Two!

The third one told me all I needed to know!

Sausage nae onions then?

- Hapnin' Steve. - Kenny.

- Aw, hapnin' Steve. What ye in for? - Eh, roll 'n sausage please Sam.

- How's tricks? - Y'know, the usual. Livin' the dream, workin' the nightmare.

- How about you? - Ach, same old pish.

Aw nae onions please, Kenny. Cheers mate.

- Been busy then? - Aye, y'know, all the workies come in at lunch so I'm a bit busy.

- Awk that's what yer wantin' isn't it. - Yeah.

- Thank you. Right, so that'll be two pounds Steve. - Ta. There ye go.

Cheers. Aw here,

- you and George ever go out? - Who's George?

See ye later Sam.

Right, here.

- So is she saying anything about me? - Naa.

- Gave me three sachets though. - Whit!?

- I went to uni y'know. - Really?

Four years. Events management. What happened eh?

- What do you mean? - I'm dressed up as a dog for money!

Money?

What was the point? Four years of studying, stressing about exams, racking up student debt,

watching other people earning money and making their way in the world and for whit!?

So that some guy in a cap and gown could give me a bit of paper.

You've got a degree Paul, no one can take that away from you.

- Doesn't get you anywhere though. - You've got the call centre.

Aye and look at the fannies they let work in there!

- Steve? - Aye Steve! The man's wearin' a bunnet, for God's sake!

Right through school, everybody said

'Go and get a degree, that'll be your life sorted, it'll open all sorts of doors for ye'.

Whit doors? Where are these doors?

- What about the events management? - I tried that. I couldnae get a sniff.

Either no' enough experience for the job, or nae jobs that could give me enough experience.

Besides, I couldnae get anything full time up here anyway.

- Would you try down south? - Naw.

Naw, I like it here.

I actually like Scotland.

My family's here. My fr... people that I know are here.

This is home. I know it. I understand it.

And d'you know whit, I'm frustrated by it.

You ever mind when you were wee, if you wanted something you would just go out and get it?

If you wanted to score a goal at Hampden, you would just get a ball, go away up the park, easy.

If you wanted to be in a motorbike race, get on yer BMX, two laps of the block, easy.

Wimbledon? Two bats, a baw, yer in.

Nowadays, nowadays we just settle.

It's as if everybody's embarrassed to have ambition.

And if they're no' embarrassed, somebody will make them feel embarrassed along the way.

Y'know, we've got some of the most talented people on Earth, right here in this country,

and they're getting treated like shite, by shite bosses, in shite jobs, making shite money,

and so at the weekend they go and buy themselves a wee bit of shite to make themselves feel better

and they end up feeling even mair shite!

D'you know it's just...

it's absolute shite.

Scotland, man.

We've got everything here.

We've got a history, we've got a future, we've got music and art, we've got science.

And we've got people.

We've got the best people.

And they're being held down by the worst people.

And d'you know whit, it doesn't need to be like this.

It shouldn't be like this.

Aye, aye you're right.

Why did we come here? It's freezing.

Maybe it seemed a good place to start a revolution.

Aye, aye maybe.

Right boys, cards on the table, what's your appeal?

Eh, well, I'm the daft, loveable one. Steve, he's the marmite one.

- Some people love him. - Some people hate me.

It's just the way it is.

I like yous. But I'm no' convinced.

How much work are yous willing to put in?

How much can you snivel? How much can you grovel?

How much are you willing to beg at the plimsoles of the elite to make it?

I'll snivel! I'll be the most snivellingest person you've ever met!

Aye well... well... I'll beg! I'll beg and grovel!

- Aye well so will I! - So ye will.

- Aye I will! I'll dae it the noo! - Naw ye willnae!

Do you know whit?

I work on instinct, and wi' you two...

I know.

I just know.

I'm sold!

Sign here, dotted line!

- You got a pen? - Hey, hey, hey, haud oan a minute.

I want to discuss the T's and the C's.

- The whit!? - The T's 'n C's!

Terms and Commitments.

That's no' whit that means.

If you're looking for commitment, I'm yer woman.

If you're looking for trust, I'm yer woman.

Drugs?

Somebody else.

I've got jobs coming out of my eyeballs. I've even got one for this afternoon.

Advert. Fully paid.

The lead's had to pull out last minute due to creative differences.

Creative differences? Whit does that mean?

- When's the rent due? - We'll take it!

Then sign here!

- That was quick, eh? - Doesn't matter. That's us on our way now Stevie boy.

- Well she's made true on her word at least, bit of work right away. - Aye.

- Here, we better get a move on. This advert's no' going to film itself. - Aye. Aye.

Whit was this advert about again?

Advert narrator V/O: Tired of the same old partner?

Tired of the same old face?

Tired of the same old chat?

Then why not download Double DATr?

This new app allows couples to match up with other couples nearby.

Enjoy all the perks of a normal date, only with other people.

Double DATr

Double DATr

- Double the daters... - Double the fun...

Shhh!

We were actually quite good in that!

- Aye, aye we were weren't we!? - Aye!

What did yous think?

There's my Da' the noo!

There's my Maw! She must have seen it too!

- Hi Da', you see the advert? - What d'you think Mum?

Eh? Naw!

Naw!

- It's double dates! - Naw, Mum. It's for couples going out and having a laugh together.

Daein' whit wi' each other!?

Naw!

Naw!

Naw...

How would you know about that?

Dad?

Dad?

Mum how do you know George's Dad?

Swingers!

- I cannae believe this! - I know!

I mean, my first bit of acting work and it's for swinger parties.

How do ye think I feel? The only other bit of work I've had was for a gonorrhea advert!

People are gonnae start thinking I'm a sex pest.

How did we no' see it? All of us skulking about that house!

Awk, what's the matter wi' swinging anyway? Looks fun.

And how many people do we know that have been on the tele?

Well, everyone from college, but aye, you're right!

And we were good in it, and it was on prime time.

True, true!

- Might even get a couple of dates out it anaw. - Aye!

- Here, this could work out alright for us. - It defos paid the rent anyway.

Aye I know! Might even get a wee bit of recognition out of it.

- D'you think? - Aye, definitely, why no'!?

- Awright Kenny! - Awright boys!

- Is that you off tae work? - Aye. Nightshift.

Aw here, I heard about yous two finally coming out the closet.

Swingers anaw!

Good for you, good for you.

- I'm gonnae go this way. - Aye I'm gonnae go this way.

- See ye now. - Cheerie-bye.

...and everything connects,

the butterfly effect

and in my quiet periods of introspection

the rule of thumb is to just succumb

like the passing of the seasons