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Instrumental
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- Alright Luce!
- Hey Sapphire! You're up early.
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You're not wrong Lucy, you are not wrong.
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- So what's this then?
- New project. Sketching an animal.
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- Didn't know you were allowed pets in here.
- Good for the soul Lucy, no one can deny that.
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- I used to go dog walking.
- You had a dog?
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Happy days. Gordon found out though, took her off me.
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What? He took her off ye? How's he even allowed to do that?
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Was his dog.
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I'm over it though, bought a fish.
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Cannae take a fish a walk though Lucy. Cannae walk...
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or swim.
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Just floats at the surface really. Borin'.
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- Mediocre!
- Everything okay Berry?
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Like a wounded lioness protecting her young, a soaring eagle with clipped wings,
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or a lonely housewife devoid of triple A's for her vibra...
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So you're not okay then?
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- No.
- What is it? Maybe I can help.
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I don't wish to burden you.
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You are my oldest and closest friend Berry, you can tell me.
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You wouldn't understand, nobody would.
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Writer's block?
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Yeah. I have no inspiration!
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Oh Sapphire, one creative to another, how do you break through that wall?
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Animals. Take your inspiration from animals.
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They're so uninhibited. They do what is necessary whilst still providing pleasure for others.
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Let's hear what you've got so far then.
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We must escape this lonely land,
we must decide our own luck.
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It's time, my dear, to take my hand...
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And get ourselves tae fu...
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Well that was, eh... that was definitely sounding good so far Berry.
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Who you writing that for?
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Jet Away Holidays. You won't believe how much they're paying me...
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Thousands.
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- Pounds?
- Pesetas.
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Bloody brexit.
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Okay, okay, well that seems quite heavy for a travel company.
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What about...
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It's time my dear to take my hand,
and walk along the golden sand...
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Yeah, yeah!
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In our trunks and in our shades,
we'll build sandcastles with buckets and spades...
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Down at the beach where we long to be...
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Wi' a hauf bottle a Tonic, and we're pishin' in the sea!
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Well, emm, it was definitely sounding good though guys.
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Instrumental
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I am sweating in this thing, man. But dyou know what?
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It's so comfy that I'm not even gonnae take it off.
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Right, back to it then.
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Paul...
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- I'm ready.
- No you're not! Become the dog.
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- I am the dog!
- Become the dog.
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- I am the dog!
- Become the dog!
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- But Lucy's sitting right...
- DOG!
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Woof.
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Now we can start.
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- Silencio!
- Oh, Italian! That's quite good int it?
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- What is it Berry?
- The masterpiece is finished,
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and as Ringo once said, 'I got by with a little help from my friends'.
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Alas!
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There's no place I'd rather be,
than with my friends down by the sea.
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Drinking wine and wearing shades,
the sun shimmers down over bucket and spades.
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So if you want sun, and time to play,
fly with us at Jet Away.
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Aw well done Berry! That was great mate!
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Thank you! Although I can't take all the credit, after all, you all were my inspiration.
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Naw that was smashing mate, well done. Although, couldn't help but notice you ya cheeky wee devil, eh?
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Using some of our lines!
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How much did you say you were getting paid for this again?
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You can't measure creativity in pounds, pesetas or Pedigree, Paul. Only pleasure.
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Well of course I know that Berry, we all know that. But I mean, money wise, how much are you gonnae make out of this?
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- And as the sun sets on another...
- It’s just because I helped you with some of the lines y’see Berry.
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- I must jet away to my room!
- I'm only getting paid expenses and travel for this!
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Berry! I'm starving.
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We have got to stop meeting like this.
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Rubbish line!
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How ye doin'?
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- Aye alright, you?
- Aye, fine, aye.
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- You not meant to be working today?
- Got sent home early.
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- Early?
- Yeah.
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- On your first day?
- Yeah.
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After half an hour?
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- Zero hour contracts for ye.
- Aw.
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I was going to come up but I was nackered after everything.
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And by 'everything' I mean saying Welcome To The Pier a few times this morning.
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- Well I wouldn't want to be welcomed to The Pier by anybody else.
- Ah, cheers!
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Just hope my hours don't keep getting cut. End up having to move home at this rate.
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Naw, naw don't do that. I mean, I would miss ye. We would both miss ye.
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If ye want, I can have a word with Simon at the call centre, see if there's anything going.
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- Really?
- Aye! Awk he loves me.
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Might take ye up on that, cheers Steve.
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So, you enjoying it at all... the time that you've been there?
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'Enjoying' is a bit strong. Have you ever been in?
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Me? Ooft naw! I'm nowhere near stylish enough to shop in there.
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Aye that's probably why we get on.
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So what's with the bunnet?
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Aw, it's no' a bunnet.
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It's a flat cap. Makes me look more like an actor eh?
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I guess so...
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Do you fancy going for that drink sometime? I still owe you one.
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You no' taken that rubbish out? It's like a pigsty doon here.
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What you two up to today then?
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- We're off to meet Pippa.
- Pippa?
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- Aye. Pippa Perkin.
- The acting agent I was telling you about.
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- Aw, amazing! Are yous going to sign with her then?
- Awk, we'll see what she's got to offer.
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- Whit ye wearin' a bunnet for Steve?
- It's a flat cap.
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- Whit ye wearin' a flat cap for?
- It makes me look... arty.
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- Arty?
- Aye, arty. Like an actor 'n that. For the agent.
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Take the bunnet aff Steve.
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I cannae work like this!
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Awright. Bunnet.
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Flat cap!
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C'mon Lucy! Here, boy!
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Paul O/S: Naw, and I'll no' be back!
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- Whit's goin' on there?
- Paul's being Sapphire's model for the day.
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- Model?
- Aye, sorta.
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- Good luck with your meeting.
- Aw thank you, Lucy.
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- Paul the model eh?
- Why is he dressed like a bear?
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Right, George, see when we meet this agent, just play your cards close to your chest, y'know?
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- Play it cagey.
- Eh?
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- Keep it cool, y'know? Play it smooth.
- Aye, nae worries Steve.
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- Smooth. Cool.
- Aye, got to keep our wits about us.
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- We're no' fannies.
- Aye.
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Right, get us a roll 'n sausage eh?
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- Can you no' just wait til after the meeting?
- Naw, I'm starvin'.
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I cannae concentrate on an empty stomach.
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'Mon, nae onions.
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- Just go in yersel.
- Naw! You-know-who works in there.
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Who's 'you-know-who'?
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- Y'know! My ex!
- Your ex?
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- Whos' your ex!?
- Shhh! Keep yer voice doon!
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- Sam.
- Sam?
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Aye. Sam.
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Sorry mate, I forgot...
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- about yer made up relationship wi' Sam!
- Eh!?
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- Awk yous never went out!
- Aye, we did so!
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Naw yous didnae!
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Listen, it might have been when we were younger, but it still counts, in my heart.
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Just because you made an arse of yourself in front of Lucy, doesn't mean I have to in front of her.
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Awright, awright, I'm sorry.
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So remind me, how did it end?
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She broke it off with me.
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Said I was becoming too serious for her. She wanted to take it slow.
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Really slow.
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So slow, things weren't moving at all.
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- Concentrate on her career.
- Really?
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Aye.
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- It was for the best though Steve.
- That's the spirit mate.
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- Chin up 'n all that.
- Aye.
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I've never told anyone this before, but I think she was being unfaithful.
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Unfaithful?
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Aye. Well, I was really starting to fall for her, quite hard.
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She was all I ever wanted in a woman. I never even thought of anyone else, never mind looking at them.
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Then one day, I was going to the van to see her before college and I turned the corner, and I could see her,
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looking beautiful as always, just glowing from behind that counter.
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I couldnae take my eyes off her.
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She's serving a guy from the building site across the road, nothing out of the ordinary.
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But then after the transaction is complete, the guy stops, turns back,
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asks for sauce...
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Broon sauce.
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She looks him in the eye, smiles, then hands him three sachets of broon sauce.
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Three! The standard sauce distribution fae the van is two.
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Two!
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Two!
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The third one told me all I needed to know!
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Sausage nae onions then?
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- Hapnin' Steve.
- Kenny.
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- Aw, hapnin' Steve. What ye in for?
- Eh, roll 'n sausage please Sam.
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- How's tricks?
- Y'know, the usual. Livin' the dream, workin' the nightmare.
168
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- How about you?
- Ach, same old pish.
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Aw nae onions please, Kenny. Cheers mate.
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- Been busy then?
- Aye, y'know, all the workies come in at lunch so I'm a bit busy.
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- Awk that's what yer wantin' isn't it.
- Yeah.
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- Thank you. Right, so that'll be two pounds Steve.
- Ta. There ye go.
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Cheers. Aw here,
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- you and George ever go out?
- Who's George?
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See ye later Sam.
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Right, here.
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- So is she saying anything about me?
- Naa.
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- Gave me three sachets though.
- Whit!?
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- I went to uni y'know.
- Really?
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Four years. Events management. What happened eh?
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- What do you mean?
- I'm dressed up as a dog for money!
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Money?
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What was the point? Four years of studying, stressing about exams, racking up student debt,
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watching other people earning money and making their way in the world and for whit!?
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So that some guy in a cap and gown could give me a bit of paper.
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You've got a degree Paul, no one can take that away from you.
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- Doesn't get you anywhere though.
- You've got the call centre.
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Aye and look at the fannies they let work in there!
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- Steve?
- Aye Steve! The man's wearin' a bunnet, for God's sake!
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Right through school, everybody said
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'Go and get a degree, that'll be your life sorted, it'll open all sorts of doors for ye'.
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Whit doors? Where are these doors?
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- What about the events management?
- I tried that. I couldnae get a sniff.
194
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Either no' enough experience for the job, or nae jobs that could give me enough experience.
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Besides, I couldnae get anything full time up here anyway.
196
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- Would you try down south?
- Naw.
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Naw, I like it here.
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I actually like Scotland.
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My family's here. My fr... people that I know are here.
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This is home. I know it. I understand it.
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And d'you know whit, I'm frustrated by it.
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You ever mind when you were wee, if you wanted something you would just go out and get it?
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If you wanted to score a goal at Hampden, you would just get a ball, go away up the park, easy.
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If you wanted to be in a motorbike race, get on yer BMX, two laps of the block, easy.
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Wimbledon? Two bats, a baw, yer in.
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Nowadays, nowadays we just settle.
207
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:16,760
It's as if everybody's embarrassed to have ambition.
208
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And if they're no' embarrassed, somebody will make them feel embarrassed along the way.
209
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Y'know, we've got some of the most talented people on Earth, right here in this country,
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and they're getting treated like shite, by shite bosses, in shite jobs, making shite money,
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and so at the weekend they go and buy themselves a wee bit of shite to make themselves feel better
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and they end up feeling even mair shite!
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D'you know it's just...
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it's absolute shite.
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Scotland, man.
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We've got everything here.
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We've got a history, we've got a future, we've got music and art, we've got science.
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And we've got people.
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We've got the best people.
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And they're being held down by the worst people.
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And d'you know whit, it doesn't need to be like this.
222
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It shouldn't be like this.
223
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Aye, aye you're right.
224
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Why did we come here? It's freezing.
225
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Maybe it seemed a good place to start a revolution.
226
00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:26,040
Aye, aye maybe.
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Right boys, cards on the table, what's your appeal?
228
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:40,160
Eh, well, I'm the daft, loveable one. Steve, he's the marmite one.
229
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:42,039
- Some people love him.
- Some people hate me.
230
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:43,079
It's just the way it is.
231
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:45,480
I like yous. But I'm no' convinced.
232
00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:48,879
How much work are yous willing to put in?
233
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:51,880
How much can you snivel? How much can you grovel?
234
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:56,319
How much are you willing to beg at the plimsoles of the elite to make it?
235
00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:59,319
I'll snivel! I'll be the most snivellingest person you've ever met!
236
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:02,079
Aye well... well... I'll beg! I'll beg and grovel!
237
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,479
- Aye well so will I!
- So ye will.
238
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:06,520
- Aye I will! I'll dae it the noo!
- Naw ye willnae!
239
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:07,680
Do you know whit?
240
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:14,880
I work on instinct, and wi' you two...
241
00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:16,680
I know.
242
00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:18,240
I just know.
243
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:20,240
I'm sold!
244
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:22,760
Sign here, dotted line!
245
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,880
- You got a pen?
- Hey, hey, hey, haud oan a minute.
246
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:30,280
I want to discuss the T's and the C's.
247
00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:32,680
- The whit!?
- The T's 'n C's!
248
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,399
Terms and Commitments.
249
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,680
That's no' whit that means.
250
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:39,640
If you're looking for commitment, I'm yer woman.
251
00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:42,719
If you're looking for trust, I'm yer woman.
252
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:43,520
Drugs?
253
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:48,080
Somebody else.
254
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:52,560
I've got jobs coming out of my eyeballs. I've even got one for this afternoon.
255
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,879
Advert. Fully paid.
256
00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:59,559
The lead's had to pull out last minute due to creative differences.
257
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,880
Creative differences? Whit does that mean?
258
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:06,159
- When's the rent due?
- We'll take it!
259
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:07,480
Then sign here!
260
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:17,840
- That was quick, eh?
- Doesn't matter. That's us on our way now Stevie boy.
261
00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:22,760
- Well she's made true on her word at least, bit of work right away.
- Aye.
262
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:28,120
- Here, we better get a move on. This advert's no' going to film itself.
- Aye. Aye.
263
00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:31,840
Whit was this advert about again?
264
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:34,600
Advert narrator V/O: Tired of the same old partner?
265
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,280
Tired of the same old face?
266
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:39,760
Tired of the same old chat?
267
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:43,920
Then why not download Double DATr?
268
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:48,120
This new app allows couples to match up with other couples nearby.
269
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:53,280
Enjoy all the perks of a normal date, only with other people.
270
00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:12,120
Double DATr
271
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,200
Double DATr
272
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:47,240
- Double the daters...
- Double the fun...
273
00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:50,200
Shhh!
274
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:01,599
We were actually quite good in that!
275
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,720
- Aye, aye we were weren't we!?
- Aye!
276
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:05,360
What did yous think?
277
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,120
There's my Da' the noo!
278
00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:12,160
There's my Maw! She must have seen it too!
279
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:15,880
- Hi Da', you see the advert?
- What d'you think Mum?
280
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,280
Eh? Naw!
281
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:20,880
Naw!
282
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:26,640
- It's double dates!
- Naw, Mum. It's for couples going out and having a laugh together.
283
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,160
Daein' whit wi' each other!?
284
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:32,240
Naw!
285
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:33,600
Naw!
286
00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:37,640
Naw...
287
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:39,920
How would you know about that?
288
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:41,840
Dad?
289
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:43,640
Dad?
290
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:46,080
Mum how do you know George's Dad?
291
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:49,999
Swingers!
292
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,039
- I cannae believe this!
- I know!
293
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:06,800
I mean, my first bit of acting work and it's for swinger parties.
294
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:10,680
How do ye think I feel? The only other bit of work I've had was for a gonorrhea advert!
295
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:12,800
People are gonnae start thinking I'm a sex pest.
296
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:17,000
How did we no' see it? All of us skulking about that house!
297
00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:21,280
Awk, what's the matter wi' swinging anyway? Looks fun.
298
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:23,759
And how many people do we know that have been on the tele?
299
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,560
Well, everyone from college, but aye, you're right!
300
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:29,839
And we were good in it, and it was on prime time.
301
00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:31,160
True, true!
302
00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:34,040
- Might even get a couple of dates out it anaw.
- Aye!
303
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:37,199
- Here, this could work out alright for us.
- It defos paid the rent anyway.
304
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,279
Aye I know! Might even get a wee bit of recognition out of it.
305
00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:40,960
- D'you think?
- Aye, definitely, why no'!?
306
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,080
- Awright Kenny!
- Awright boys!
307
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:45,640
- Is that you off tae work?
- Aye. Nightshift.
308
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:49,960
Aw here, I heard about yous two finally coming out the closet.
309
00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:51,800
Swingers anaw!
310
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:55,000
Good for you, good for you.
311
00:19:57,920 --> 00:19:59,799
- I'm gonnae go this way.
- Aye I'm gonnae go this way.
312
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:01,160
- See ye now.
- Cheerie-bye.
313
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:05,439
...and everything connects,
314
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:07,440
the butterfly effect
315
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:14,199
and in my quiet periods of introspection
316
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:23,759
the rule of thumb is to just succumb
317
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:28,320
like the passing of the seasons
26755
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