Original subtitles

Instrumental

Are you having a laugh?

Do you think that I'm daft?

I'm not attuned to the rack and ruin,

well let me tell you something...

Instrumental

Oh, cheers Tracey!

- George? - Aye?

- What you doing? - Tryin’ tae make an outbound call.

Aw right, well, press 9 and then dial. But what I mean is, what are ye daein' there, at Steve’s desk?

- Steve’s become a hermit, Paul. - A hermit?

Aye! He hasn’t left the flat in four days. Hasn’t looked up from his laptop either.

- How, whit’s he daein'? - Working on his screenplay.

So in the mean time, I’m coming in here, as him. Save his job. Keep the money coming in.

Right, but you’re not him. See this isn’t a game of five-a-sides. You can’t just substitute in for somebody.

Nobody’s said anything. All I’ve done is turn this computer on, and she said that I’ve already accomplished more than Steve.

Aw did she? Is that phone gonnae dial itself is it? Less chatting and more dialling.

Press 9 for the outbound calls there George.

Instrumental

Instrumental

Instrumental

- What you up to Luce? - Re-drafting my CV.

- How you getting on? - Alright actually. I did quite well at school according to this.

According to my CV, I’m qualified in first aid and can play the accordion...

...and do some work for Duncan Bannatyne on the side.

- Shhhh! Lucy’s trying to concentrate! - Sorry.

- Berry! - Yeah?

- Pub? - Pub?

Pub, tonight?

- Tonight, pub? - Pub!

Pub!

- What pub? - Honestly guys, I really have to get this CV typed!

I’ve got an interview later and I could really be doing with the job. I’ve only been here a week and I’m already skint.

- We’re here to help you Lucy. - Help?

- Are you not meant to be at Art School? - Nobody actually goes to Art School.

- Eh? - Art’s for the masses not just the classes.

Haven’t you got anywhere to be?

Not particularly. I am working on a new poem as it happens though.

Searching high and low for inspiration, taking in everything around me. Observing life and death...

Y’know what’s happening here Lucy? You’ve come from a wee village in the middle of nowhere, to the hustle and bustle of the city.

All the noise, the pollution, the eighty-nine pence vodkas...

- On Thursdays. - And Tuesdays...

...and you don’t know how to deal with it.

I’m redrafting a CV, not having a breakdown.

I’ve seen it before in other places. A country girl, in the city. Changing her views, changing her ways.

It’s a shock to the system as she tries to adapt.

- Not being able to emotionally deal with the pressures of city life. - City ways.

See you later.

Something we said?

George! Sit doon! I’ve got it!

- Got whit? - My screenplay! Right, listen...

Steve V/O: This is going to be the best British film since The Full Monty.

It’s about this aspiring actor called Sebastian, and he lives with his flatmate, Gregor, who’s a bit hopeless.

- Busy day planned? - Whit’s that supposed tae mean?

All you do is sit around the house all day while I’m out working and pursuing my dreams.

- You work in a bank Sebastian! - Only for now Gregor!

- Something big is around the corner, I can feel it. - Aw that’s right! I forgot, you’re the next James McAvoy.

You can mock me but what are you doing with your life?

- When are you going to get back in amongst the acting? - Actin'!? Pfft, I had one job.

- It’s still work. - I had tae dress up as a genital wart.

- I’m away to get another apple. - That’s an onion Gregor.

Aw right.

George V/O: Wait a minute! Is that meant to be me!?

Steve V/O: Naw! Whit ye talkin’ aboot?

Aw shite, there’s the landlord!

- Can I borrow some money for the rent? - Awk alright.

Aw you’re some pal! Whit would I dae without ye?

Steve V/O: And he works in a bank, which he is really successful at, but it’s not his dream.

...just gimme a call. Have a great day sir!

- Aw God, I’m so nervous. - Now Patrick, I know it’s your first day...

but just take everything nice and slow and you’ll be fine.

Oh, here you go.

Good afternoon ma’am. How may we help you?

I’ll tell you how ye can help me son, ye can help me by doing your bloody job.

I’ve been standing in that queue for over twenty minutes!

I’m late for ma tea 'n scones and ma feet are loupin’.

I tell ye, that’s a terrible way to treat yer customers. I’m a pensioner!

I’ve no' got time for standing around while you're playing on yer Y-Phone or blethering aboot yon... yon...

- ’Sex Island’! - Now Madam, please allow both of us to apologise.

Y’see, it’s Patrick’s first day and well, the kid’s a wee bit nervous.

Haud oan, haud oan! I’m no’ even an actor!

Why am I in this?

And why have I pished myself?

It’s everywhere.

I cannae stop.

Now madam, please let us apologise again. Y’see we have been awfully busy today.

Can I maybe interest you in a wee sit down and a cuppa tea?

Actually, there might even be some scones around...

That’s awfully good of you son. It’s been a hang of a day.

Whit you lookin' at!? Beat it!

Gregor, what’s going on and who are all these people?

Well, I just happened to come across some money I found hidden in one of your shoes in your cupboard. So, I went and got a few bottles.

Bumped into the neighbours on the way and invited them up for a drink.

- You keep drinking like this and your liver will come a cropper. - A whit?

George V/O: Here, this is a character assassination! Steve V/O: Gonnae stop interrupting!

Never mind.

Steve V/O: Right, so, something happens at the party.

Here, this is Lisa.

- Hey! - Hi there, pleased to meet you.

- My name’s Sebastian, but you can call me Seb if you like. - Great to meet you Seb.

- Lovely place you have here. - Aw thanks. Working in finance does have its perks.

George V/O: ‘Lisa’, aye...? Steve V/O: Gonnae just listen!

- That sounds exciting. - Actually it's frightfully dull.

- My real ambition is to pursue my acting career. - That’s so incredible. I admire that so much.

Really? See, most people tell me I’m wasting my time because it’s so hard to get your big break.

Then they’re talking rubbish.

Do you fancy having another drink?

I'd love one.

George V/O: Aw, this is geein' me the boke.

Steve V/O: Right, c'mon.

Here, I see you were tagged in a status.

- Was I? - Aye! Look at this

‘Met the man of my dreams last night’...

Yeah...

That's Lisa.

I’ve pished myself again.

Lisa, I just want you to know, these past few months have been amazing...

- I’ve never met anyone quite like you. - I know, I feel exactly the same way.

Everything is just so great right now. I owe you so much.

I’m so happy you convinced me to leave my job and become an actor.

You weren’t happy there.

I know. I’m no banker.

You owe it to yourself to give it your all. I know that you’ll make it, I’m sure of it.

Y’see, that’s the thing...

What is it?

I’ve been given a part in a film. The lead part actually.

Oh my God, that’s amazing! I’m so proud of you.

It’s not that simple.

It’s filming in Europe. I would have to move away.

- How long for? - Six months.

Oh.

- Well, you have to go. - I know.

And that’s why I’ve decided not to go.

- For the love of God, why!? - Because I’ve decided to stay here and do something else instead.

Oh my God! Of course I will, of course I’ll marry you!

...just let me

take you where I’m going to.

I won't leave you...

Oh look, a message from the producers!

Turns out it’s filming right here in Scotland!

That means I can stay here with you, become an actor and most importantly, be financially stable.

Oh my God!

...don't forget me,

just let me

take you where I'm going to.

I won't leave you,

I believe you...

Jesus, Steve! It’s been four days and you’ve no’ even left the flat!

Awk I’m working hard in here! I need tae get this finished so I can show it tae Lu...

Ha! Lucy?

Naw...

I get it. This is a front.

A ploy.

A scheme, even.

- Naw it’s no’. - Aye it is.

You’re trying to kid on you’re some kinda writer, trying to impress her...

when you’ve no’ even bothered your arse with my ‘Space-Rammies’ script.

Naw I’m no’, I’m no’ even bothered about her.

Eh, how you getting on at my work? Everyone asking for me, aye?

Naa.

Aw right.

Well, is anyone asking for me?

Naa, I don’t think so.

Well, surely Simon must be wondering...

Nope, nothing. Not even a word.

Y’know, I’m not even entirely convinced you even work there Steve.

Aw right.

Well listen, I was thinking, you’re right! I need to get back in amongst the acting.

That’s the best decision you’ve made all day!

I know, look, ‘Actually Love’ is nearly ready to go.

Right, well, until it's fully ready to go, why don’t we go out and find ourselves some real auditions?

Aye! Aye! How though?

- Just leave it to me. - Eh?

Just leave it to me.

Right ’mon, this place is a tip. Gie’s a haun.

Are you all here for the interview?

- Aye bro. - Bro?

Hi guys, if you’d just like to follow me, okay?

Okay! So, we’re just going to go around the room and describe ourselves a little bit to everyone. I’ll go first.

I’m Daniel. I’ve been the store manager at Glasgow’s Californian clothing shack ‘The Pier’ for six months and I love ponies.

How about you?

I’m Tam, I’m sixteen and I’m intae music.

- I like house parties. - Excellent.

I don’t mind regular parties.

And what about you?

Kendall. I like parties too.

Amazing. And how about you, Miss?

Well, I’m Lucy, I’m easy going and extremely hard working, and I pride myself on my communication skills and punctuality.

Right... but you didn’t really describe yourself?

Well, I’ve just moved to Glasgow and I’ve enrolled in Uni where I’m going to be studying...

Just describe yourself Lucy.

I also like ponies. And don’t mind a house party.

Ha.

Brilliant Lucy! And what about you?

I’m Casper!

Corporal, I want you to listen very carefully to me. I’m not gonna make it much further.

What d’you mean Sergeant? We’re almost there, it can’t be more than two hundred yards!

Two hundred yards might as well be two hundred miles out here.

I want you to take this O’Connor. It’s for my wife.

When you get home... when you get home... I need you to deliver it to her.

You can deliver it yourself Sergeant, I’m not leaving without you.

Listen to me, I’m not going to be responsible for your death!

Take the letter and get yourself back to our lines. I’ll stay here and hold 'em off as long as I can.

I’m sorry Sarge, I’m gonna have to disobey that order.

How can you expect me to look your wife in the eye knowing I left you here to die!?

I’m gonna get us out of here!

Sir! Sir, look! It’s our boys! We’re safe!

Cut! That’s great guys.

Sake man.

That was good eh?

Should be paying us extra to flap about on the ground like that.

- Good job boys, good job! - ‘Leave it to me’ you said! ‘I’ll use my contacts’ you said.

And we end up wi’ him! It had to be him eh?

Well, how else do ye expect me to get something at such short notice? Just ’cause Charlie’s doing well in the industry!

- There’ll be a catch, there’s always a catch wi’ him! - How?

There’s no way he’s getting us in a film without there being a catch.

We were mates in college... sorta.

Just ’cause he’s climbed higher on the ladder in the industry than you, doesn’t mean there’s gonnae be a catch.

We didn’t even like him in colle... Hold on...

- climbed higher than me!? Whit aboot you!? - Whit aboot me?

He’s climbed higher than you too.

- Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw, naw. He’s there doing his thing... - Acting.

- And I'm doing my thing... - No' acting.

- Besides we’re just extras. - 'Supporting artists'.

It’ll get us by for noo.

- What’s this film called anyway? - ‘Band of Cousins’.

- Ah! Steve, George. How yous doing? - Awright.

Charlie, aye, smashin’ aye. How you daein'?

Aye, good, good. Yeah, yeah.

I could do with a wee break y’know. But you know whit they say...

- ...no rest for the wicked eh? - Aw aye, aye.

Constantly working, y’know, constantly.

Let me introduce you two lads to this guy here.

Steve, George. This is Cormick Fisher.

- It’s Cor-mac actually, Cormac. - Cormac?

- Cormac. - Great to meet you guys.

Excuse me a minute guys.

Eh, that looks like a lotta fun you’re having out there Charlie.

Glad I make it look like that but, y’know, it’s not all fun George. There’s a process.

I’m sure you’ll appreciate that!

To truly immerse yourself in the character, you have to first find out what it is, indeed, they’re thinking and why...

Oh... hello? Speaking...

Hello, Mum.... an emergency? Today?

Right now? I’ll be there.

Right, I need to go lads.

- So, George. How’s the gonorrhoea? - The advert?

- No. - Aw. Aye... fine.

So now we’re gonna do a simple task that demonstrates great customer service.

Okay, I’m going to say a phrase and I want you to repeat it, alright?

So this, is how you greet a customer when they enter the store.

Hey, welcome to The Pier!

Off you go!

Hey, welcome to The Pier!

Excellent!

Hey. Welcome to The Pier.

Wow.

- Hey... welcome to The Pier? - Was that a question?

Never mind I love it! Lucy?

Welcome to The Pier.

- Hey! - What?

It’s 'Hey'! ‘Hey, welcome to The Pier.'

Hey.

Welcome to The Pier!

Brilliant Lucy. Okay, now before we finish up for the day there’s just one more simple task.

Surf poses!

Come on everybody, surf!

Come on Lucy, surf!

Feel the waves, they’re everywhere, come on!

‘Sorry Sarge, I’m gonna have to disobey that order!’

‘I’m sorry Sarge, I’m gonna have to disobey that order...’

‘I’m sorry Sarge, I’m gonna have to disobey that orde...'

Awk he’s pish anyway!

- Snapchat. - Jesus!

- Selfies, filters. Brilliant. - Whit!?

World’s a stage noo eh? Got to be on everything. Twitter, Instagram, Pornhub.

- Eh? - Gotta know yer market, that’s whit I’m sayin’.

- Are you meant to be in here? - Naw.

- No' just enough now to have a pretty face. - Whit the fu...

Cheekbones, eyebrows, big nose. Big nose!

Face that’s seen some punching but no’ enough eh? Eh? Eh!?

Composure... of sorts.

- Who are you? - You and yer pal, actors, am I right?

Eh, aye.

- Name’s Pippa. - Pippa?

Pippa Perkin. Talent scout, talent agent.

- Are yous looking for representation? - From who?

Have ye no' read the back of that card yet?

- Pippa Perkin, talent manager extraordinaire. - Emm...

- Yous are a double act, am I right? - Who?

You 'n yer pal. I saw yous talking to the star of the film.

- Who, Charlie? - Aye. Listen, I could make yous twice as big as him.

Double, even.

Yous could be the next Dick and Dom, Cannon and Ball. The next...

John and Yoko.

- Right, naw we’re no’ a double act... - You know the prerequisite for being a star, son?

- Talent? - Knowing who to use. And trust me, I will use you two.

I will use the shit outta yous two.

- Whit’s happening here? - ‘Mon I’ll tell you whit’s happening here, Yoko.

Yous have been hanging about in the background like curtains.

But you don’t want to spend your life in the background, dae ye George?

- How dae you know his name? - Naw I don’t.

- You don’t want to spend your life in somebody else’s shadow, dae ye? - Naw!

- You want to be front and centre. - Naw... eh... aye!

- The main man in the spotlight. - Aye!

- Lights, camera, George! - AYE!

- Then sign wi’ me! - Who are ye!?

Pippa Perkin. Talent scout, talent agent.

I could open a lot of doors for you boys. I am in the know.

We could be great together.

- Where do we sign!? - Whit!?

Meet me in my office first thing the morra.

- Where’s your office? - It’s on the back of the card, be there!

Lucy! Fancy meeting you here! Why are ye here anyway?

Well, everyone always says how amazing The Barras is.

Aye... aye, it's... good...

- You okay Lucy? - Just a shit day really, job hunting.

Aw Christ, been there before. The job centre, aye?

Naw, not quite. Worse.

- Worse!? - Worse than the job centre!?

So, what’s new with you two then? I could hear ye a mile away.

Well we’ve managed tae...

We’ve managed tae get an interview with this big acting agent!

We dunno if she’s a big agent, but I’m getting back into the acting. Pursuing my passion, like you said.

- Oh my God Steve, that’s amazing! Congratulations! - Aw thanks!

Aye, me anaw’!

Ehh, yeah. Well done George.

- Thank you. - So she’s interested in both of you then?

- Yip! - Aye...

Like, a double act?

- Awk aye, ‘Gee 'n Stee’. - Well...

- That’s great, you deserve a bit of luck. - Thanks.

Look, why don’t we all go tae the pub, cheer you up a bit?

- I’d really like that. - Great! George, you fancy it as well?

Awk, I think I’ll take a rain check there Stevie boy.

Oh, why’s that then George?

Awk well ‘cause I’m eh...

’cause I’m eh, well I’m meeting...

I'm meeting eh... Kenny! There's Kenny!

- Convenient Kenny! - Awright!

- Awright! Can I get a lift? - Aye.

Right, I’ll see yous later.

- Where d’you come fae anyway? - Clinic.

- Did ye wash yer hands? - Aye.

- Shall we? - Yeah, yeah, let’s go.

Hello?

Speaking... oh, hi Daniel!

Oh, wow! Yeah that’s great! No thank you, thank you so much... tomorrow?

Oh, that is early... no, no I’ll be there... okay, thanks. Bye.

- I got the job! - Brilliant, well done. It’s a double celebration then!

Yeah... I start tomorrow, at seven in the morning.

Aw right. Right. Emm...

- So I should probably head home. - Yeah, yeah that’s probably for the best eh?

I can’t wait to tell Sapphire, she’s gonna be so excited. You heading back to the flat?

- Naw, I’ll probably see what George and Kenny are doing. - Well the drinks are on me next time, definitely. I owe you one.

- Naw, don’t be daft, it’s just a... - Hi Mum, yeah I got it!

No I just found out...

Did I pass the test?

Did I make you...

Kenny. Kenny! KENNY!!!

you said that I could never let you down.

Did I pass the test?

Did I win them round?

If I tried my best you said

that I could never let you down.

You said that I could never let you down.