Original subtitles

- Kenny? - Hapnin’ Steve? Window cleaning money.

- You cleanin’ windows now? - Aye.

- But we stay on the sixth floor. - Ladders!

Fiver!

Right, there’s £2.50. Come back for George’s later.

Hello...

Paul [O/S]: Steve, where are ye? Its twenty past ten!

You’re on a nine - five today. You’re supposed to be training me anawl!

- Who’s this? - It’s Paul! C’mon man, I’ve been pretending to dial customers for an hour now.

- Who? - It's Paul.

Emm...

Paul... from work!...‘CALL-PAUL’!

Hiya.

Aw ‘Call-Paul’! How ye doi...

SHITE!

Ughhh...

Whit ye daein'!?

- I'm late for work! - Shite!

Awk where are they!?

Whit are ye looking for? Eh?

- Paracetemol. - Fridge.

- Whit they daein' in there? - Well they work better when they’re cold!

- Do they? - Aye, I think they dae. Gie's two eh? I’m dying here.

Gie’s a beer oot anaw eh?

Jesus, George! Where are yer clothes!? Ye could hang curtains aff that thing!

- Ooft, apologies. - Jesus!

Right, here.

- I’m dyin’ man. - I cannae believe I slept in!

- Don't worry mate! - How?

See ye later.

Instrumental

- Never. Drinking. Again. - Agreed. Was definitely the Grouse.

- And the Jaeger. - And the Sambuca.

And they chocolate liqueurs.

Jigsaw anyone?

- What a night. - I wonder how the boys are feeling.

If they feel half as bad as I do, I feel sorry for them.

Well I think that’s a given. The only thing they weren’t having last night was my critique of the decor.

I quite liked it. Steve bringing the guitar out for ‘Shangalang’ was a bit much though.

And when George started wrestling Gordon the landlord, that was a bit weird.

- Especially when they de-robed... - Yeah. Got weird.

Anyway, what do you say we cure these hangovers Glasgow style?

- With more drink? - No! With an informative walk around the city.

- Informative? - He means long.

And Berry, that’s not a Glasgow thing. No one here does that, it’s just you.

Not yet. Care to join?

No way.

Well, I’ll come along. Can’t make me feel any worse.

Don’t be so sure.

Did ye no’ hear yer phone? Simon’s been calling ye all morning!

Number one rule Paul, never answer yer phone when it’s the work calling. Even when ye miss the call.

Awk, besides, it’s the first time I’ve been late... this week.

What does he expect, I rushed straight here 'n everything!

Hmm... aye.

- So, what happened wi’ your rent last night? - Aw, George won a bet and paid it.

Aw right. That was convenient. A tad unbelievable even.

- It happens. - Right.

So, you met your new neighbours then, eh?

How do you know that?

Awk, it was all over Facebook. And you were going on about one of them in particular.

- Was I? - Awk aye. Was nothing bad or that though Steve, y’know. It was sweet.

- What was sweet? - Yer status.

- What status!? - Yer Facebook status!

Simon[O/S]: Steve, you're already an hour late, son.

Aw, traffic was murder Simon.

Simon[O/S]: Phone!

What does that status say!?

‘I love Lucky’... Who’s ‘Lucky’?

Aw, is that you back already Steve? Here, who’s Lu...

Sapphire! It’s yerself! How ye daein'?

Alright George! How’s your soul?

Ehh, good. Well, still suffering...

...where’s my trousers... How are you?

Great now that I’ve had a few of these!

Oh, drinking the next day!? That’s alky patter that!

- Where’s Steve? - Work. He must be dying.

- Gotta pay the rent eh? - Aye, ye could say that.

Here, d’you know anyone called Lucky by the way?

- Lucky? - Aye, look at Steve’s Facebook.

‘I love Lucky’. Lucky?

Hmm, dunno. Lucy?

Lucy? Who Lucy – Lucy!?

Maybe! Did he mention anything about her last night?

I cannae mind...

She’s the one George! I know! See, when ye know, ye know. I know.

Aw I cannae mind, c'mon!...

Me 'n her, right. We’re gonnae go on holiday. Santa Ponsa.

Go in to that Timpsons the morra 'n book it 'n that.

C’mon George, think!...

I. Love. Lucy. I Love Lucy!

Aw wait! I remember, he said...

I could’ve mate. I could’ve represented.

Olympic gold, nae bother. ’lympic gold.

Pfft. ‘lympics! He cannae even swim.

- Anything? - Naa, nothing.

Aw well.

Is that ‘Strike it Lucky’?

Oh aye. I love chilling wi' a wee bitta Barrymore.

What am I gonnae do Paul!? I cannae have her seeing that status, I've just met her!

Calm doon Steve, it’s only a daft status.

- Aw God, I cannae believe I’ve done this again! - Again? What, have you done this before!?

Aye I’ve done it before! Aw why do I do these things, why!? What are we gonnae dae Paul!?

- We? - We!

- Emm... Phone George? - Simon took my phone!

Top, top! Ah, he’s went for the bottom!

Aw, well in!

- Hello? - George, it’s me.

- Who? - Me, Steve.

- What’s the code word? - Whit?

- Whit’s the code word? - The code word!? Jesus, George I’m in work.

- I need to know it’s you. - Well who else is it gonnae be?

- Code word! - Why would we even need a code word? Who's gonnae go to the trouble of phoning you, pretending to be me eh!?

- Well I don’t know. - Get a lot of calls do ye George? Busy day for ye George!?

I’m gonnae need to hang up.

GOOCH!

Steve! I thought it was you. How ye daein'?

- Have you seen my Facebook status? - Aye, whit aboot it?

- Whit aboot it? I’ve gone and done it again haven’t I!? - Awk calm doon, it’s fine! Even Sapphire says it’s fine.

- Sapphire!? - Aye, she’s here as well.

- Hi Steve! - She says hi. - Hi Sapphire.

- That you calmed doon now? - Look, I need ye to log in to my Facebook and delete that status.

Aye nae bother.

- Whit’s yer password? - The code word.

- The code word? - Aye.

- Whit code word? - Our code word.

- Eh? - Gooch.

You’re breaking up Steve, say it again.

Gooch.

- Whit!? - Gooch!

Right, right.

- Says you’re wrong, wrong password Steve. - Emm, try a capital ‘g’.

- Naa, still nothing. Is one of the O’s a zero maybe? - Try it 'n see.

- Naa, it’s no’ that either. - Shite! Right, wait. Just wait. Let me think.

- Aw SHITE! - Whit is it!?!

- I tried three O’s ‘n it says you’re locked oot noo. - Gooch1! It was Gooch1!

Right that’s it. I’m comin’ up the road.

Put a holiday through for me Simon!

Simon[O/S]: - You've no holidays left! - Cheers Si!

Right, you’re comin’ anawl Paul... ‘Anawl-Paul’!

- Another wee rhyme eh! - That’s the nature of the beast Paul. I’m a poet and I just don’t hide it.

- I don’t think that’s the saying Steve. - ’Mon!

Instrumental

- I thought we were going for a walk? - Angular.

- What? - Steve’s face. It’s rather, angular.

- Oh, right. - Like an unsolved Rubik’s Cube.

- Yeah I guess. - Do you plan on solving that particular puzzle?

Where’s this coming from?

I’ve always been one for vibes Lucy, you know that. And there was a certain amount of ‘pick up’ between you two last night.

Well, you know me, Berry. I’ve never been particularly good at puzzles.

Ah, touché.

- Is this due soon? - Well, you never can be too sure when one will... come along.

- Yeah, they’re always letting you down eh? - Only when you’re relying on a timetable.

Well how else are you meant to know when to get on?

There’s always one on its way, you just have to make sure you get on the right one.

You don’t want to end up on the wrong one, where there’s no way home and the only bus in circulation

is the one you just got off and it leaves you stranded there...

- I get the subtext Berry. - Well, perfect timing. Because here’s the bus.

- Really? - But is it the right one?

I’ve done it again! I’ve done it again!

What’s the big deal Steve?

Big deal!? Big deal!? I’ll tell ye the big deal Sapphire!

She’ll be doon there right now, laughing at that status. Laughing at it! Laughing at me!

I’ll become an object of ridicule. No one’s laughing at him are they!?

Naw, they're laughing at me. Laughing at me! Laughing!

- Armadillo. - Because of the shape?

Mmm.

- Who’s laughing at ye? - The group chat!

Y'see, she’ll have taken a screenshot of that status and sent it to the group chat,

and everyone in that group chat will have two blue ticks next to their name.

Tick, tick. Blue! Because they’ve all seen it.

They’ve seen it and they’re laughing. A group, chatting and laughing.

Chatting and laughing at screenshots! Aw God!

Calm down Steve. I’ve seen this sorta thing happen before. Last week in class, I spot a phone left on the desk next to me.

Mobile phone. Astronaut grey. And all sorts of possibilities are racing through my mind;

Selfies, fraping, music magpie!

- Whit did ye dae? - Nothing! Touch ID.

But that’s no’ the point Steve. The point is what happens next.

Vv-Vv text. Vv-vv Facebook notification. Vv-Vv Snapchat. Vvvvvvvvvvvv, phone call!

Unanswered. Unnoticed. Insignificant, Steve!

The guy whose phone it was, was up the other end of the room, having a laugh wi’ his mates.

- Ye get what I’m saying!? - Naw.

The phone! It didnae matter. People, connecting, face tae face, that’s what matters.

I mean, this thing hasn’t stopped buzzing all week!

Aw God!

- D’you think you can hire boats? - I would imagine so.

Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me!

- Wonder how they got the cone up there? - Hmm.

Aw it’s a mess, a mess! And y’know what the problem is?

I like her. I dae. I like her!

- Ahh! - Yes! - I knew it!

Aw, wanker!

- Who are you again? - Paul.

- Who? - I’ve been here the full time.

Whit’s the codeword?

Well that was enjoyable, even if I do say so myself.

- Enjoyable? We’ve been round half of bloody Glasgow! - Nothing wrong with exploration my dear.

Anyway, cuppa?

Emm, I was gonna go up 'n see what Steve and George are up to.

- Well give Steve my love as well as yours. - I’m only going to go and see how they’re doing.

My love is like a red, red rose...

That’ll be her the noo.

That, that could be her. Paul, answer the door!

- Whit!? How can he no’ get it!? - I’m naked!

- Well, whit about you? Why can you no’ get it!? - I’m naked too, emotionally!

- I don’t even live in here! - Paul!

Paul[O/S]: - Whit!? George[O/S] - Be a mate!

- Hi Lucy! - Oh, hi Sapphire.

Lucy[O/S] - How long have you been here?

All day. Come in!

Sapphire[O/S]: Take your jacket off!

Steve’s freaking out because he wrote a status about you.

Lucy[O/S]: Aw, so I’m ‘Lucky’?

I dunno about that, he could’ve at least spelled your name right. Actors for you.

I like actors.

Well, I think I’m gonnae go for a shower.

Actually, I’ll just sit here the now.

I’m Paul, by the way.

- Aw nice to meet ye, I’m Lucy. - Aw right, nice meet!...

Nice to meet ye, Lucy.

Emm, I work with Steve, at the call centre.

- Aw cool. - Aye! Well...

Any chance of a beer Steve?

A beer? Aye! Anybody else wantin’ one? Eh, Lucy? You, wanting one?

I’ve got wine or, or Tia Maria. Or, a Drambuie?

Steve[O/S]: Or a Pernod! D’you like Pernod? A white zinfandel?...in fact...

Actually, all we have is beer.

And bleach.

No, I’m okay thanks. Had enough last night.

Aw same, same! I had too much.

- Have you got any Vimto? - Vimto?

Eh, aye, I got some this morning actually. I’ll go 'n get it.

Ooft, that was lucky!

Lucky!

I should be so lucky in love!

Dinnae worry Steve, I’ve explained everything.

Yeah Steve don’t worry about it, was just a daft drunk status. We’ve all done it.

Awk God, aye.

Well, actually, to be fair, I haven’t.

Naa, it’s usually texts with me, or phone calls sometimes, letters even.

In fact, d’you know one time right, I turned up at this lassie’s door in the middle of the night! She wouldn’t let me in though.

Naa she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t let me in.

Had to spend the rest of the night in the back garden.

And it was freezing.

It’s alright Paul.

Steve, get the beers.

Hide the bleach.

Didn’t know you smoked.

Aw naw, I don’t. I don’t. I mean I do, but only when I’m drinking.

Which seems to be all the time since I moved in with George.

- D’you want one? - No thanks. I just came out for some fresh air.

Same, same.

You’re lucky y’know. Real best friends are hard to come by. It’s pretty obvious with you two.

How long have you been friends?

Known each other since primary school. D’you want to know how we met?

It was in the playground. I was sitting there by myself, eating my pieces,

watching all the other boys 'n girls in my class just running around, playing a game.

- Aw, they were leaving ye out? - Awk naw, it was nothing like that. I was just... observing.

Anyway I’m watching them and there’s just this one boy who just cannot grasp the rules of the game they're playing.

What were they playing?

Tig.

But this boy, he’s just walking about trying to talk to people. Of course everybody’s running away from him because he’s ‘het’.

Eventually he spots me. He looks right at me and then starts to walk right towards me. But then he stops, looks up...

...and a bird shites in his eye! George.

Looked exactly the same way he does now, minus the fags 'n the whisky of course.

- Why did he look up? - No idea. And all these years later I’m still not surprised he did.

It’s almost like he’s got a sixth sense... for shite.

- So, how you settling in then? - So far so good.

It’s like moving to a different planet, so much going on.

Really? Where are ye from?

East Kilbride.

- Good, aye, good... - So, how long have you lived here?

About a year. And in all that time I reckon we’ve paid about four months’ rent.

- Wow, impressive! You’ll need to teach me your technique. - Aw, definitely.

- Couple of born and bred Weegies then? - Aye, I guess so.

We did almost move to London once, we were on the train and everything.

What changed your mind?

- Gonorrhoea. - Excuse me?

While we were on the train, George got a phone call.

Turned out he’d landed a part in an advert he’d auditioned for the month before. Gonorrhoea awareness.

- That was lucky! - Too right it was lucky, stupid bastard forgot the train tickets.

The advert money was too good to turn down though, so we got off at the next stop and begged my maw to come pick us up.

It’s a funny feeling but, seeing your whole life going in a brand new direction, heading off towards a new city.

Literally seeing everything change with every passing mile of the train journey.

How far did you get?

Motherwell.

I do sometimes wonder what it would’ve been like if we moved down there though.

Well, I’m glad you didn’t.

Naa, I could never go without him. We’ve been through thick and thin together.

Best pals. We love each other.

- Steve! Gimme back my fags ya wanker! - Shut up ya dick!

So what happened to his advert then? Was it on the tv?

- Oh aye, aye. Lasted about a week until it was banned. - Banned!?

Banned.

Let’s just say it wasn’t in the best taste.

So what about you then? Have you been in anything?

Naa, naa... Oh, well unless you’re a fan of zero budget, student films that never ever make it on to the screen?

Depends who’s in it.

The truth is, I’ve kinda, taken a break from it, y’know? Focus on my work.

- The call centre? - Aye! Aye, I’m trying to get top salesperson.

What is it you sell?

Cremations.

Right.

Well, make sure you go back to it.

I love actors. They see the world in such a unique way.

George was telling me he’s writing his own film. I really admire that.

- You do? - Oh yeah, people expressing themselves creatively!

He’s just ripping off Sci-Fi films.

There’s just such a wonderful energy around people who want to share their passions and talents with the rest of the world.

Something really, attractive about it...

It's about time we stopped,

before the blackout...

Guess the fresh air’s going to my head.

I should call it a night then...

Aye. Aye, same. Same.

Night, then.

Night.

...or the ones you might regret.

And baby, if there's one thing that's true,

And baby, if there's one thing that's true,

I don't know the first thing about you.

Doesn't mean that I didn't love you...

Fire Brigade please!

Ehh, Steve.

Aye it's the bin again...

Gonnae hurry!

...and I never seen it before,

and I can't get past it now,

but even if I could somehow

it wouldn't be the same.

There's nothing left to say,

Your lips are moving and not quietly,

same pish you told me yesterday...