Original subtitles

TV presenter: ...and that just goes to show you can have a fun family holiday in a war zone.

Next week on “Going Your Holidays”, Sally’s building sandcastles in Springburn, Pete’s in Wishaw

and I’ll be telling you what to do if you get kidnapped.

What you doing?

I don’t like beans.

Why did you ask me to get beans then?

I thought we could have pie and beans for breakfast.

Pie and beans for breakfast.

Living the dream eh?

What you drinkin' on a Tuesday morning for anyway?

This is my long weekend.

You said that last week. I think you've got a drinkin' problem.

Pish! Anyways, what we daein' the day?

Well, I'm havin' my breakfast and then some of us have got to go to work.

Hawl! I'm workin' anaw!

Workin' on whit!? Yer beer belly!?

You know whit! 'Space Rammies'!

'Space Rammies'?... Whit, your sci-fi script!?

My Scottish science fiction franchise. I've noticed a gap in the market.

It's like nothin' you've ever heard before, Steve!

I've heard this before, George.

Imagine this... In a galaxy, far, far away...

Star Wars!

...where the main character’s beamed up...

Star Trek!

...and he has tae fight this big cyborg fella...

Terminator!

...and did I mention everybody's an ape?

Original.

Awk, whit is the matter wi' you Steve!? You used to love treading the boards.

I mean, look at this conveniently placed photo album.

There ye are...

Hamlet!

Stanley in Streetcar. Oh, Brando!

And there's you as second tree fae the left. Should probably get rid of that one eh?

Where did you get all those photos?

Doesn't matter. What matters is that we get you back in tae the acting.

You're becoming stale, irritable, creatively constipated.

Let me be your... laxative.

I mean, I'm out there grafting. Finding work. Daein' what I love.

You've had one job George...

I'm a practitioner!

...in a sexual health advert!

Commercial V/O: What else is he carrying?

Had to carve out the character.

You had nae lines.

Acting!

You had gonorrhea!

Only in the advert! I've been fine... this year.

That's the beauty of acting Steve.

Well, you know who that'll be.

Naw. Who?

The BFG!

Who?

Big Fat Gord!

Who!?

Big Fat Gord the smelly landlord.

When did we start calling him that?

Whit you comin' for?

Company.

Wait, why is he here?

Awk, it's somethin' to dae with the rent.

How do you know?

'Cos he telt me earlier on.

He was here earlier on!?

Aye.

Have you paid your half of the rent?

Awk stop asking questions and answer the door.

I'm no' answering it. He's massive!

Stop being a shitebag and answer the door.

How am I a shitebag!?

- Get the door answered! - You get the door answered!

- You answer it! - You answer it!

Naw! You listen tae me,

I'm no answering any door, in any flat, in any building, any day of the week!

Have you paid your rent!?

Naw! Now shut up and pretend we're no' in!

Whit we daein'?

If he thinks we're no' in, he might go away.

Think he will?

Aye. He better, if he knows what's good for him.

Eh?

If he knows whit's good for him!

George O/S: I could batter him!

Steve O/S: Naw you couldnae.

How?

Look at the size of him!

I'm athletic but!

Athletic?

Aye! Watch this...

Steve O/S: Whit was that?

George O/S: Jumping!

I can hear ye!

I can hear you!

Bluffing!

Steve O/S: Bluffing? But we can hear him!

I have my own keys.

Bluffing!

I've told you this before.

So he did. I've got an idea...

...right, get yer gear aff!

Steve O/S: Whit ye daein'!? George O/S: Helping ye!

Steve O/S: I don't need help!

Gordon! It's yourself! Did you knock? We didn't hear ye there. We're just out the shower y'see.

Both of you?

Aye.

Whit were you both daein' in the shower?

Washing!

Instrumental

Berry O/S: Lucy, here at last. I guess all roads do lead to... Glasgow.

I've missed you, big city slicker now eh?

I still prefer a green field to a grey road, but life congregates in the city.

Give me that bag.

- Aw thanks. - Chivalry hasn't died yet.

So this is your life? Can't have taken long to pack.

Yip, that's everything! Decided to leave everything I didn't need back at home.

Bravo Lucy.

New flat, new start, new me. Plus, there's a lorry coming later with the rest.

- A lorry!? - I'm so excited! What's my room like?

All in good time, all in good time.

Don’t you just love this city?

It’s so... real.

Responsibility. Reliability. Respect. Three things your mother assured me that I would get from you.

I mean I was assured that you two would behave yourselves. Gonnae meet your part of the bargain, eh?

D'you hear me?

Do you hear me?

Yes.

I mean, I didnae even want you here.

- Steve... - Yeah?

Don't want you here.

I mean if it wisnae for your mother, you wouldn't even be near this place.

- George... - Aye?

Hate you.

I am the landlord. I am the lord of the land. I am the owner. I am the daddy...

...especially in your case.

Twelve months down the line and we still have teething problems. I have told you -

Nae mess. Nae decorating.

And nae pets.

And rent - on time, in full, the 20th of every month.

Look, I don't want you to think I'm being a bastard, y'know?

I mean, I know you're actors. I get it. I'm all for the arts. I pay £7.49 a month for the Netflix, Christ.

Hey, they even do Scottish stuff now!

There ye are!

There we are?

The Netflix! Get intae that, yer laughing!

- Netflix? - Aye write something...'Still Game'!

- It's been done. - Something else then!

- D'you play any musical instruments? - Eh?

My pal's daughter, Christine, she picked up a bass two years ago. D'you want to know what she's doin' now?

- Playing, onstage, with the Kaiser Chefs. - Kaiser Chiefs?

Naw, naw. Chefs. She works in a restaurant. They're all chefs. The Kaiser Chefs!

I predict a fry up! I predict a fry up!

Listen, look, what I'm trying to say to ye boys is, you've got to create your own opportunities, your own work.

Now get it sorted, both of ye. I will be back up, tonight.

Ruby, Ruby, Ruby Murray.....It's hot!

...I'm miserable now,

oh yes I am.

Pies will be cold now.

Beneath its skin, this city is scarred, It pines for the steelworks and the packed shipyards.

A town built on brains and Clydeside muscle, Shackled now, to the zero-hour hustle.

The pubs are lively because the jobs are not. Another city that Westminster forgot.

Yet still it kicks and still it screams, And still it's alive with working class dreams.

The uni's are packed with the world's best minds, The streets buzz with people and cultures of all kinds.

There's music and dance, engineering and art, And a statue that wears a traffic cone hat.

This town has seen decay, neglect and crime, And it comes back better every time.

There's patter and laughter and the people are real. Glasgow's electric and as tough as steel.

Good. So, is this near the flat then?

No. I just thought it would be good to bring you here. You see, you're not just moving to a city, this is a new chapter for you.

You're leaving the nest and entering a new, energetic, culturally rich and globally significant city.

This is, effectively, the re-birth of you.

Right. And that's why we came to a graveyard?

I love it here. It says so much without saying anything.

The hallowed grounds filled with so many memories, ideas, energies and...

I would like to see the flat though.

There's just inspiration everywhere. There's inspirational people, inspirational buildings, inspirational architecture.

I just feel so... inspired.

I'm glad you're really going for it with the poetry thing Berry.

Much obliged. The work is literally flowing to me.

Amazing. Anything paid?

Opportunities for exposure.

Paid?

Just getting my name out there, y'know?

Travel expenses?

Playing the long game. Not worried about finance. Just piecing together a body of work.

Well, poetry was always in your blood. Remember that poem you wrote about Mr. Agnew?

The less said about that the better.

So, next steps, university?

Yeah, I'm actually really looking forward to it.

Yeah? Good to hear it, about time you spread your wings and showed Glasgow Uni what you're made of.

Or Glasgow Uni will show me what it's made of.

I've known you for a long time Lucy, it's no match for you... but it is a lot prettier.

Aw thanks. So what does the flat look like?

- Lovely. - Okay.

Just promise me you'll be careful. It's a great city but there's still... idiots.

...and I don't know how we're gonnae get that much money, and the best part is, he's coming back up tonight, threatening to kick us out.

What's your name by the way?

Ehh, I'm Paul.

Nice to meet ye Paul. Press ‘9’ for outbound calls by the way.

- Alright. So, what's yer flatmate saying to it? - Who, George?

Ehh... aye?

Skint, as usual...

Twenty quid on Ruby Tuesday!

...we both are.

Well, have you paid your half of the rent?

Naa. We're up shit creek.

Hello there, could I speak to Mr or Mrs Turner please?

Mr Turner (on phone): Who is this? - It's Steve from 'Peaceful Conclusions'.

Mr Turner (on phone): Aw it's Steve this time is it? Well I think you're a sicko, son!

Trying tae get me tae cremate my wife before she's even dead,

YA MORBID FU...

And listen tae this, this morning he ends up moaning about my beans.

- Yer beans? - My beans!

Ooft, well, that's nae good.

Aw here ye better make that call Paul...Call-Paul!

- Aye, rhymes. - Naw really, you better make that call.

Man, I'm nervous aboot this.

Don't be nervous. Most of them hang up straight away.

Oh aye? Got a lot of hang-ups, do they?

You like it don't ye!

Aw aye, phone dialling itself is it?

Co-worker O/S: Sake.

Hi there, is that Mrs. Malloy? Yes? Yes, this is Paul from ‘Peaceful Conclusions’...

Aw, I'm very well thank you, and how are you? Good, good I'm glad to hear it...

Aw, did they? And what did they call it? Rover, that's brilliant!...

Oh your son's called Paul is he? Well it is a fantastic name...

Actually, y’know what Mrs. Malloy, it's funny you should ask me that, this is my first day...

Well, you know what it's like Mrs. Malloy, I’m just trying to save up for a wee car...

I still don't know how I got that licence! It must have been that twenty quid that I slipped the examiner!...

Naw, listen I’m only kiddin’ ye on, I’m only joking! I passed on merit, and merit alone,

and by the way I only got one minor fault might I add...

Whit!?...

Aw Mrs. Malloy, don't be so self-conscious. Naw, naw, naw, you’ve got a lovely voice.

It's like soft velvet on a spring morning. You sound like a fantastic Gran, Mrs. Malloy...

Now listen, I hope you don't mind me changing the subject so suddenly but do you mind me asking,

what are your plans for after you pass on?...

Right, right okay, yes. Now, d’you mind me asking, have you ever considered cremation?...

You have considered it Mrs. Malloy! Okay, well I'll tell you what I can do,

I can pass over all the information for ye and you can get back to me as soon as possible, alright, and...

And just one more thing, Mrs. Malloy.

If your husband, Bert, is considering passing on anytime soon, it's ‘Two for Tuesday’ over here at ‘Peaceful Conclusions’...

He is considering it Mrs. Malloy!? Aw well that's fantastic news. I'll tell ye what I can do for you,

I can have everything sent over to the pair of you and ye can respond to me as soon as ye feel like it...

Okay, thank you Mrs. Malloy. It's been a pleasure to speak to you too. Thank you very much and goodbye!

- Come on!!! - There we go! Big Paul putting one in the George Foreman on his first day ladies and gentlemen!

Is the cricket on? Because all I'm seeing is ashes! Well done Paul! Yes!

Jesus!

It's not much but we live within our means, as they say.

No, no, I love it. That painting though, where did it come from?

That's mine. Don't ask where I got it from though and don't tell anyone you've seen it.

I'm Sapphire, which in turn makes you Lucy! I love your hair, it's so nice!

Like a blonde... rug.

Name's named, formalities taken care of, would anyone care to wine with me?

- Definitely. - Just a beer for me please Berry, trying to keep a clear head.

- I love, love, love your perfume. - Aw thank you!

- You should wear it out tonight. - Oh, are we going out? Where are we going?

Aw we'll defo find somewhere, it's a Tuesday after all.

Friends?

Cheers Berry! Lucy was just saying she fancies heading out to see the town.

- Oh? - Well, only if you want to?

Yeah, yeah of course, it’s Tuesday after all. Well then, as Robert Louis Stevenson once said, ‘drink up’.

- Hello, hello, hello. - Oh, hello.

Very nice to meet ye! I'm George...

...and there's your boyfriend.

No not quite, she wears a lot of cheap perfume, so it would never work.

I'm Lucy, and this is my friend and flatmate, Berry.

Berry? As in Straw- berry?

No.

Aw. Well, I think you smell lovely anyway Lucy.

What is that you've got on anyhow? Is that... Channel? Christian Diadora?

Naa, more like Fila.

Oh, there's another one! You'll no be paying any bedroom tax eh!?

I stay upstairs with my flatmate Steve. So if you ever want to borrow any suga...

Ehh, we have bleach... and beer. Great night in.

So you're the ones upstairs who listen to the Bay City Rollers every mornin’?

Well what can I say, Steve is a fan.

- Aw, ‘Shangalang’! - Aw you like The Beatles anaw?

So, what yous up to anyway? Yous fancy a wee beer?

...always leads to the same place...

Instrumental

- Whit the... - Steve! How ye daein’? C'mere!

What the bloody hell's going on here and who are all these people!?

This is Sapphire.

Alright. That's a nice name.

- I know! - Exotic!

Well, who's he and why is he daein’ a jigsaw?

- That's Berry. Likes jigsaws. - Fair enough.

Dunno where he got it though.

Listen, we have got a serious problem here. Gordon will be on his way up any minute, tae see us daein’ this!

- Take it easy Steve! - He'll pap us oot George!

- Steve! - And I'll be lumped back in wi' ma maw!.

- Steve! - Daein’ they bastard dishes!

- Steve! Ye wantin' a can? - Aye I'm wantin' a can!

Don't worry aboot it mate.

But what's Gordon gonnae say!?

Why don't ye ask him yourself?

Gordon O/S: Stevie boy!

He's here!?

Course! Paid the rent, in full, cash! Even paid your half, ya cheeky wee monkey!

You paid him?

Godron O/S: Oh my God I can't believe it, you finally paid yer rent ya bam!

Aye Gordon... Explain!

- Won a wee bet on a horse. 50/1. - It came in?

It did indeed! Even had a few quid left to get a couple of cans and invite the new neighbours up for a wee celebration.

- Unbelievable! Did ye get the bleach? - Aye.

Aw, brilliant! But what happens next month?

Awk, I'm sure we'll come up wi’ something else to pay the rent.

- Aye probably. - Speaking of neighbours, this is Lucy.

Hiya! You must be Steve! Heard a lot about ye!

Aye, aye Steve... short for... Stephen.

- D’you fancy a drink of this Steve? - Ehh, whit is it?

- I call it the ‘Vinnie Jones’. - Why?

Because it grabs ye right in the...

‘Space-Rammies’! It's like nothing you've heard before. Imagine this - In a galaxy far, far...

...Steve!? STEVE!? Are you alright?

Lately I've been drawing lots,

in a maze of dot-to-dots,

crossing lines I know I should not cross,

cross.

Instrumental

Instrumental