All language subtitles for Warrens Vortex s01e03 Unreal Estate.eng

- Tumbling through an
interdimensional vortex,

Warren and Lucy discover twisted versions
of their own world, always hoping the next one...

(BOTH SCREAM)

...will be home.

- We're back! We're home.

I can't believe we're home.

Hine. Hine?

Hinemoa, we're back. And there's
no evil fridges, no octopus games.

Wait. Your mother's not home.

Astroturf?
They stole my lawn as well?

I just mowed that. Why would
anybody wanna steal my lawn?

- Dad, we're not back...
- Huh?

...and I'm pretty sure
this is not our home.

- E hika.
- Here we go again.

(SPOOKY SCI-FI MUSIC)

(INTRIGUING ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

Captions by Maia Carr Heke.

Captions were made with
the support of NZ On Air.

www.able.co.nz
Copyright Able 2025.

(MUSIC BUILDS)

(MUSIC ENDS)

It's like Mr and Mrs Vanilla
have moved into our house.

This is like a show home.

Maybe Mum's selling the house.
- What? Our beautiful whare?

She would never sell this whare.
This is more than a house.

This is a home.

I watched the All Blacks annihilate
the Wallabies in the 2015 World Cup

from that couch.
Not that couch exactly, but there.

And you, you took your first
steps somewhere... in this vicinity.

Can't really remember.

But we made memories here,
great memories.

You can't put a price on that.
- The asking price is $17 trillion.

- OK, maybe youcan
put a price on that.

Maybe weshouldspread our wings

and strike while the hangi's hot,
you know?

- Dad, I don't think
this is our world.

We have to get out of here.

- (GRUNTS FRUSTRATEDLY)

- No vortex.
We're trapped in Pastel City.

- Maybe there's no vortex

because we're home and we're
sitting on $17 trillion.

- Yeah, but where's Mum?
Where's all our stuff?

Where's all the people,
for that matter?

Listen.

- Can't hear anything.
- Exactly.

There's no traffic noise,
no lawnmower,

no Mr Jenkins over the back fence

moaning to his wife
about the boil on his?

- Yeah, yeah. He should
probably get that checked out.

Maybe they're all down at the mall
spending their trillions of dollars.

- Dad, I really don't
think this is our universe.

Something's off.

- OK, so how do we get the vortex
open again, then, Miss Smarty Pants?

- Well, when we defeated
the fridges, the vortex opened.

Then when we helped each other
win the game, the vortex opened.

I think we need to work out
whatever's happening to this world

and sort that out.

- Can't find anything
that needs sorting out, Luce.

Huh. Even your room's tidy for once.

Urgh, why is there a picture
of Ian and his family on our wall?

And aue, his wife is looking
a little mannish.

- Dad, you can't say words
like 'mannish' any more.

(GASPS)

OK, uh, maybe you can.

- Welcome, welcome. I'm Ian.
(LIMBS WHIRR ROBOTICALLY)

Can I give you a tour of this
charming little property?

- Ian. It's good to see you, my bro.

- Sorry, I didn't catch your name,
friend.

- Hey, Ian, bro, it's me, Warren.

- I can see you're interested
in this property, Warren,

and it's a real steal
at 17 trillion.

Could probably even get it down to
16.5 if you play your cards right.

- Whoa, whoa. Ian, this is my whare.

- Whare?
- House.

This is my house.

- (LAUGHS STIFFLY)

That's the spirit.
It's like you already live here.

- Uh, bro. It's me, remember?
We have barbies here all the time.

- There is a generous barbecue area.

The indoor-outdoor flow
on this one is a beauty.

- Bro. We live here already.

- You live here?
(WHIRRING, CLICKING)

- BOTH: Yes.

(DRAMATIC, EERIE MUSIC)

(ALARM BLARES)

- Dad, I don't think that's Ian.

- DEEP ROBOTIC VOICE:
Warning. Warning.

- I've never seen him do that before.
- Run!

- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

- Warning. Warning.

- Stay away from us, Freaky Ian!

(ALARM CONTINUES BLARING)

- Is that Ian again?
- Welcome, friend.

Three bedroom, two bathroom.
Central vacuum.

- ...very reluctant seller.
- What more can you ask for?

- It's a picket-fence haven
in a primo location.

- ...very reluctant seller.
- ...selling at 28 trillion.

- Is this a clone world?

Maybe Ian's like Temuera Morrison.

- No, Ian's not Maori.

- No. Tem played all
those clones in Star Wars.

- Oh, yeah!

Tem was the man in Star Wars, eh.

HUSKY VOICE: I'm just a simple Maori

trying to make my way
across the universe.

- Location, location, location.

Indoor-outdoor flow.
(WHIRRING, CLICKING)

It's a buyer's market.

- Maybe he is like Tem.
- They're not clones.

They're robots. Cheese it!

(ALARM BLARES)

(LIMBS WHIRR)

- (BREATHES HEAVILY)
- Dad, in here.

They're like land agent androids.

They're landroids.
- Catchy.

(ALARM BLARES, STOPS)

Can you smell that?
Smells like bread baking.

- It smells more like farts to me.

- (FARTS)

- Quick, let's get in the car.

(GASPS)
- We can't escape in a box.

- Well, not with that attitude,
we can't.

- Low-maintenance garden.

This property needs a little TLC.

- (MIMICS ENGINE REVVING)
- $28 billion.

- See? It's working.
See? I told you.

(CONTINUES MIMICKING CAR ENGINE)

(LIMBS WHIRR AND CLICK)

- Do you have to make the sounds?
- Uh, if we're gonna be in a car,

we need to think and act
and sound like a car.

- Oh yeah?
How do you know it's not electric?

- My car, my rules.

Brrrrm. Oh, there's a gate.

- Oh, it's a toot to exit.

- Oh.

Uh...

Beep, beep.

- That's not a horn.
It's more like honk, honk.

- What are you, a goose?
It's like beep, beep.

- Honk, honk.

- Beep, beep.

(BEEPING AND HONKING
CONTINUES IN DISTANCE)

(ALARM BLARES)

(BOTH BEEP AND HONK FRANTICALLY)

Awoogah!

(BOTH BEEP AND HONK FRANTICALLY)

(LASER EYES THRUM, ZAP)

They've got lasers!
- Quick! There's a button.

I just pushed it.
You just stopped it going.

- OK, well, if you push it again?

(ALARM CONTINUES BLARING)

(BOTH SQUABBLE INDISTINCTLY)

They're coming. They're coming.
They're coming. They're coming.

(BOTH YELP)

- Don't forget to leave your name
and number in our visitor book.

If you have any questions,
feel free to reach out.

Do leave us a review.

- Oh, that was intense. Like, one Ian is bad
enough, but 50 of them with freaky laser eyes?

Whoa! What happened to Lower Hutt?

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Is that cardboard?

- I guess we know where
all the people went.

- It's a buyer's market.

And here at Unreal Estate,
we've got exclusive opportunities

for discerning investors like you.

Here's a rare chance to own property
at a price that defies logic and basic economics.

This starter home offers
unlimited headroom

and unrestricted natural lighting.

The sky's the limit.

For the buyer who wants
something different,

this home redefines modern angles,
offering a fresh new perspective.

Just move in and start living.

You'll really dig
this low-maintenance treat ?

a cosy subterranean retreat
offering open-plan living

that really thinks outside the box.

Speaking of boxes,

if you're struggling to get on
the property ladder, don't worry.

Our rental units are fully
recyclable and partially waterproof.

Prices so hot, the fire department
is on speed dial.

- SINGS:

- Wow. I used to make forts
out of boxes when I was a kid,

but this is next level.

- This whole city is made out
of cardboard and sticky tape.

- What do they even do when it rains?
There's so many questions.

- And I think I know
where we can get some answers.

- Information. How can I?

Warren, Lucy. Is that really you?

- Why wouldn't it be us, Laurel?

- Cos you've been missing for,
like, five years.

- Aunty Laurel,
what are you doing here?

- Information. It says it on the...

Do you want some?
- Yes.

Where's my darling Hinemoa,
and is she OK?

- Yeah.

Well...
- Well, well, what's wrong?

Has she found someone else? She has.
- No, no, no, nothing like that.

She's just...

well, uh...

(HARD ROCK MUSIC)

- Warren? Lucy?

- Mum!

- Babe?

- Mum.

- Where have you guys been?

It was a vortex, wasn't it?
- Mum, you look so...

cool.

- Toku ahua? Kia ora.

Yeah, the crust punk community
has really been there for me

these last five years, you know?

They've really helped me
(INHALES SHARPLY) through my grief.

- Get a box, you guys.

- And there's something
different about you.

- Kind of like kissing your sister.
- You kissed your own sister?

- I'll give you three some privacy.

- No, um, what I'm
trying to get is, uh,

it's really great
to see you, Hinemoa.

- Ae.

Samesies.

Come on, let's get you two home.

- Hinemoa, I have
one really important question.

Is that, like, a hairstyle,
or did you just sleep on it funny?

- Ah, it's a skullet,
because it's a skull and a mullet.

Here we are, whanau.

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC)

Home, sweet home.
- This is our whare?

- Mm-hm.
- Must be cheap as.

- Yeah, it's only,
like, 5 mil a month.

- Warren, I thought that was
you, mate. Good to see ya.

You know, we dredged the entire Hutt
River looking for your body, mate,

and it took bloody ages.
- Of course you live next door.

- Yeah. I got the premier Smugg
Double Empress Fridge Mega Box

here, mate.
Tell you what, she's quite roomy.

You moving back in
with the missus, are ya?

- Mm-hm.

- Might be a tight squeeze
in there, mate.

I guess this means you're
off the market now does it, Hine?

- I told you, Phil,
I am not interested.

- Yeah, I'm not either.
- You hit on my wife, Phil.

- Well, you weren't here, mate.
What am I supposed to do?

- It had only been a week.

- Eight days.

- Oh, get you, eh?
- Relax. OK?

I'm not interested any more,

ever since you got that skullet
to match your mullet.

- Well, at least
I'm not wearing a toupee.

- This is a weave, my friend.
- Is that right?

- All right? This is
a Wellington working man's weave.

- I'm sorry, Officer Toupee.
- Officer Toupee?

Oh, you throwing barbs at me, mate?

(BICYCLE BELL DINGS)

(INDISTINCT ARGUING)

- Warren!
- Hey.

Brother!
- Hey, how are you?

- I'm good, bro. How are you?
- Good. Hey, guess what!

I'm on a cycling team called
the Cardboard Cyclists,

and we train every day
except when it's raining.

You know why? Cos then it
gets too mushy. (CHUCKLES)

- Oh, jeez. (GASPS)

Oh, Warren! You're back!

You're back.
- Yep.

- So you weren't abducted by aliens?
- Nope.

- I want you to give me
some respect.

- Earn respect, mate.

- Stop it.
You're acting like children.

- He is.
- He is.

- We shouldn't
be fighting each other.

We should be fighting those who
put us here in the first place!

We need to stand up to our evil
overlords and their minion clones.

Who owns all
the properties around here?

Who's the bad guy, the Darth Vader?
Is it Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk?

- Worse.

Mrs Schrodinger.

- As in Mrs Schrodinger,
our nextdoor neighbour?

Why don't we just bail her up?
- What do you expect us to do?

Just walk up to her house and say,
'Hey, give us our houses back,

'you mean old?'

(BUZZ!)
- Hey, give us our houses back.

(SUSTAINED BUZZ)

No one's answering.
(LIMBS WHIRR, CLICK)

- Hey, do you think Tem got paid for
every single clone that he played,

or was it just a flat fee
for them all?

(BUZZ!)

I reckon there's a way easier
way to get in here. Follow me.

(BIRD SQUAWKS)

Watch and learn.
You have to do this safely.

(GRUNTS)

Are you watching? (GRUNTS)

Look out.

(GRUNTS, GROANS)

Oh, my sciatica.

(LIMBS WHIRR)

- Wait. There are lasers.

(LASERS HUM, CRACKLE)

- Oh, lasers?

Lucy, there's definitely no lasers,
OK?

- Whoa, how can I see that?

(SEAGULL SQUAWKS)

- Watch out!

There seems to be some kind of
advanced laser defence system

I can't see for some reason.

- Yeah. You stay there.

(LASERS CRACKLE)

I've got this.

- Be careful, Lucy.

(LOW, TENSE MUSIC)

(CAT MEOWS)

- Wait, cat, no!

(CAT SCREECHES)

(LIMBS WHIRR, CLICK)

- POSH ACCENT:
Drop the cat immediately.

You have 20 seconds to comply.

- Take us to Mrs Schrodinger,
or the cat gets it.

(CAT MEOWS)

- TV: The common housecat
in its natural habitat.

- Who the hell is this, Jeeves?

- I managed to catch her
before she got fully lasered.

- Oh, thank you, dear girl.

Jeeves, how many times do I have
to tell you to not let the cat out

when the deadly
laser beams are activated?

Bad robot.

Very naughty.

Mummy mad.

- My name's Lucy, and this is
my father, Warren, and there's?

- No, Jeeves.

Let the girl talk.

Carry on, Lily.

- Uh, thank you.

You own our old house.

You own our old whole neighbourhood,
actually.

And, um, good for you.

But did you know that the houses
are completely empty now?

No one can afford to live in them.

- Well don't blame me
for house prices, young lady.

It's the market.
We all have to tighten our belts.

- But?
- But nothing.

I'm sick of this.

I got where I am today
by hard graft

and a small $6 trillion loan
from my family.

There's nothing to stop you
work-shy slobs from doing the same.

- Except that
we don't have $6 trillion, lady.

- And we're not work-shy slobs.
- Yeah, we work hard.

We're police officers, teachers.

- And we still can't afford
to have a roof over our heads.

We live in boxes.

- You live in what?
- Cardboard boxes.

- That... is disgusting.

I'm gonna fix this right away.

Jeeves, bring me the telephone.
(LIMBS WHIRR)

- TV: ...or C ? bottoms.
(LAUGHTER) - Dad!

- What? The Chase is on.
I haven't seen it for ages. - What's this Chase?

- Oh, you'd love it. It's a game show about money.
And that Bradley Walsh, look at him. Look.

He's cracking up at a rude
word. Classic Bradley.

- Bradley Walsh, you say?
- Mm-hm.

- Hmm.
- TV: (LAUGHS) Undercarriage!

- I thought by getting her to fix the problem,
the vortex would open, like with the fridges.

- Oh, maybe we have to tell
everybody in Cardboard City

that we saved the day.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

Aw.
- TV: Classic!

- Mrs Schrodinger was
actually kind of nice.

I don't know what they're
all talking about. Oh.

- Dad, she burnt the town down.

- Oh, we didn't save
the day at all, did we?

I don't believe it. The whole town
burned down, and they're gone.

Cardboard is a really bad material
to build a town out of.

- Poor Mum.

(CHAINS RATTLE)

Oh, my God, I can see her.

- So can I. I can still see her face,
even with that stink-as haircut

and those stupid ripped jeans,
she was so beautiful to me.

I can even still hear her voice
calling out to me on the wind.

- Warren, you dick!
- Hinemoa? Are you in heaven?

Oh, you're still alive!
(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)

- Ah, no thanks to you two.
You know, we all survived.

Uh, we have a very efficient
fire drill system.

- Where is everyone?
- Oh, up there.

Hi, guys! Guys!

- What happened?

- You told that old witch
about us, didn't you?

- Maybe.
- Maybe?

She sent those evil wild robots,
and they burnt down our whole town.

Now I've got to cancel
the Tour de Cardboard.

- She said she was gonna
fix everything.

- Yeah, she fixed it, all right.
Look what they done to Phil.

- Oh, so this is all your fault,
mullet head?

- Huh? I'm actually really sorry
you lost your eyebrows, Phil.

I mean, it must be really
hard to show surprise now,

but that definitely looks
a lot like anger to me.

- Oh, it is anger, bro.
And I'm ready to blow.

- Oh, keep your hair
on, Sideshow Bob.

- Oh, you wanna go?
- Yeah?

- Well, how's about we go downtown
and I arrest you for what you did to my face?

I'm gonna take down your name.
I'm gonna take down your address.

I'm gonna take down your
email, Harrison.

- You want my email, do you?
- That's what I said. - So, all lowercase, all one word.

philisadick@gmail.com
- Oh, you wanna spar?

- Cut it out, you two. Cut it out.

- I'm chill, but he started it.
- He caused my face to look like a peeled grape!

- Stop it! We all
lost our houses, hmm?

- We're sorry, Mum ? we were just trying to help.
Maybe we can go back and talk to her.

- I think you've done enough, girl.
- Yeah, no, grape face is right.

Look, we listened to bloody
Greta Thunberg there last time,

and look where that got us.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I'm actually really, really proud that
my daughter tried her best to help all of you.

OK, so we didn't know that
Mrs Schrodinger was gonna send

her evil army of landroids.

But in the words of
the great Wellington businessman

LV Martin, it's the putting
right that counts.

So I say we all go down
to Mrs Schrodinger's house and we?

- And we burn it down!
(ALL CHEER)

- No, we're going to do what
I've always told Lucy to do.

We're gonna use our words.

(EPIC ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

- We demand to speak
to Mrs Schrodinger.

- ALL: Yeah!

- I'm assuming you're here
to pay your respects.

- What, they cremated her already?

- Well, it's only fair ? she
cremated our whole flippin' town!

Almost cremated me, too,
just quietly.

I'm starting to feel a little woozy.

- What happened, bro?

- Her heart gave out watching
The Chase.

It was a very fast
and exciting money round,

and Bradley Walsh,
with his 'come hither' eyes.

She'd never watched the show before.

Seeing it was too much
for her soft little heart.

(SOBS)

(LIMBS WHIRR)

- Presentation initiated.

- Welcome to my will reading,

and condolences
upon your very great loss.

Thank you for being here,
whoever you are.

Well, I'm sure you're
in a state of deep despair.

There will be a period of mourning
of eight to nine months,

but my affairs must be put in order.

I leave my entire estate,
all my money, houses, and land...

to my darling Lucy.

- Huh?
- What?

- Lucy has shown me
a kindness and a warmth

my droid helpers have always lacked.

- Hope this goes without saying, but
everyone gets their houses back!

(ALL CHEER HAPPILY)

- Whoo!

- All I did was return her cat.

It's kind of sad to think

that was the only time anyone
showed her any kindness.

- Mm-hm. Hmm.

- I guess kindness really
can change the world.

- Yes. Yes, it can.

(SPOOKY MUSIC)

(RECORD SCRATCHES)

(METAL MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY)

- It's so good to have
you and Lucy home again.

Now you can join me
in the crust punk community.

I had to play you
my new favourite song.

(INTENSE METAL MUSIC PLAYS)

(SINGER RAPIDLY VOCALISES
DISCORDANTLY)

(VORTEX WARBLES)

- Vortex.

- Thank God.

- (SCREAMS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(VORTEX WARBLES)

- Ooh, OK.
I'm not loving this at all.

- Yeah. Nothing good
ever happens at night.

I've watched enough Stranger Things
to know that this ends with something creepy.

- Is that Laurel? Loz,
what are you doing in the dark, man?

- Wait.
- Are you on Tinder again?

- Dad, I think it's
something creepy.

- Well, Tinder is full
of creeps. Hey, Loz.

- (BOTH GASP)
- E hika!

- Hold it. Don't look at the phone.
I think they take over your brain.

- Oh, and how many times
have I said that to you?

- So they're all playing some kind
of farming game called Whani Farm.

I think it's what turned them
all into mobile-phone zombies.

Zombies.

- Argh!
- Jeez!

I can't believe I'm saying this,
but we wanna hear your conspiracy theories.

- OK, everybody's reaching a billion
points faster than I though.

- What are you two heathens
doing in my house?

- Dad, help!
- Lucy!

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