Original subtitles

- Tumbling through an interdimensional vortex,

Warren and Lucy discover twisted versions of their own world, always hoping the next one...

(BOTH SCREAM)

...will be home.

- We're back! We're home.

I can't believe we're home.

Hine. Hine?

Hinemoa, we're back. And there's no evil fridges, no octopus games.

Wait. Your mother's not home.

Astroturf? They stole my lawn as well?

I just mowed that. Why would anybody wanna steal my lawn?

- Dad, we're not back... - Huh?

...and I'm pretty sure this is not our home.

- E hika. - Here we go again.

(SPOOKY SCI-FI MUSIC)

(INTRIGUING ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

Captions by Maia Carr Heke.

Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.

www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2025.

(MUSIC BUILDS)

(MUSIC ENDS)

It's like Mr and Mrs Vanilla have moved into our house.

This is like a show home.

Maybe Mum's selling the house. - What? Our beautiful whare?

She would never sell this whare. This is more than a house.

This is a home.

I watched the All Blacks annihilate the Wallabies in the 2015 World Cup

from that couch. Not that couch exactly, but there.

And you, you took your first steps somewhere... in this vicinity.

Can't really remember.

But we made memories here, great memories.

You can't put a price on that. - The asking price is $17 trillion.

- OK, maybe youcan put a price on that.

Maybe weshouldspread our wings

and strike while the hangi's hot, you know?

- Dad, I don't think this is our world.

We have to get out of here.

- (GRUNTS FRUSTRATEDLY)

- No vortex. We're trapped in Pastel City.

- Maybe there's no vortex

because we're home and we're sitting on $17 trillion.

- Yeah, but where's Mum? Where's all our stuff?

Where's all the people, for that matter?

Listen.

- Can't hear anything. - Exactly.

There's no traffic noise, no lawnmower,

no Mr Jenkins over the back fence

moaning to his wife about the boil on his?

- Yeah, yeah. He should probably get that checked out.

Maybe they're all down at the mall spending their trillions of dollars.

- Dad, I really don't think this is our universe.

Something's off.

- OK, so how do we get the vortex open again, then, Miss Smarty Pants?

- Well, when we defeated the fridges, the vortex opened.

Then when we helped each other win the game, the vortex opened.

I think we need to work out whatever's happening to this world

and sort that out.

- Can't find anything that needs sorting out, Luce.

Huh. Even your room's tidy for once.

Urgh, why is there a picture of Ian and his family on our wall?

And aue, his wife is looking a little mannish.

- Dad, you can't say words like 'mannish' any more.

(GASPS)

OK, uh, maybe you can.

- Welcome, welcome. I'm Ian. (LIMBS WHIRR ROBOTICALLY)

Can I give you a tour of this charming little property?

- Ian. It's good to see you, my bro.

- Sorry, I didn't catch your name, friend.

- Hey, Ian, bro, it's me, Warren.

- I can see you're interested in this property, Warren,

and it's a real steal at 17 trillion.

Could probably even get it down to 16.5 if you play your cards right.

- Whoa, whoa. Ian, this is my whare.

- Whare? - House.

This is my house.

- (LAUGHS STIFFLY)

That's the spirit. It's like you already live here.

- Uh, bro. It's me, remember? We have barbies here all the time.

- There is a generous barbecue area.

The indoor-outdoor flow on this one is a beauty.

- Bro. We live here already.

- You live here? (WHIRRING, CLICKING)

- BOTH: Yes.

(DRAMATIC, EERIE MUSIC)

(ALARM BLARES)

- Dad, I don't think that's Ian.

- DEEP ROBOTIC VOICE: Warning. Warning.

- I've never seen him do that before. - Run!

- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

- Warning. Warning.

- Stay away from us, Freaky Ian!

(ALARM CONTINUES BLARING)

- Is that Ian again? - Welcome, friend.

Three bedroom, two bathroom. Central vacuum.

- ...very reluctant seller. - What more can you ask for?

- It's a picket-fence haven in a primo location.

- ...very reluctant seller. - ...selling at 28 trillion.

- Is this a clone world?

Maybe Ian's like Temuera Morrison.

- No, Ian's not Maori.

- No. Tem played all those clones in Star Wars.

- Oh, yeah!

Tem was the man in Star Wars, eh.

HUSKY VOICE: I'm just a simple Maori

trying to make my way across the universe.

- Location, location, location.

Indoor-outdoor flow. (WHIRRING, CLICKING)

It's a buyer's market.

- Maybe he is like Tem. - They're not clones.

They're robots. Cheese it!

(ALARM BLARES)

(LIMBS WHIRR)

- (BREATHES HEAVILY) - Dad, in here.

They're like land agent androids.

They're landroids. - Catchy.

(ALARM BLARES, STOPS)

Can you smell that? Smells like bread baking.

- It smells more like farts to me.

- (FARTS)

- Quick, let's get in the car.

(GASPS) - We can't escape in a box.

- Well, not with that attitude, we can't.

- Low-maintenance garden.

This property needs a little TLC.

- (MIMICS ENGINE REVVING) - $28 billion.

- See? It's working. See? I told you.

(CONTINUES MIMICKING CAR ENGINE)

(LIMBS WHIRR AND CLICK)

- Do you have to make the sounds? - Uh, if we're gonna be in a car,

we need to think and act and sound like a car.

- Oh yeah? How do you know it's not electric?

- My car, my rules.

Brrrrm. Oh, there's a gate.

- Oh, it's a toot to exit.

- Oh.

Uh...

Beep, beep.

- That's not a horn. It's more like honk, honk.

- What are you, a goose? It's like beep, beep.

- Honk, honk.

- Beep, beep.

(BEEPING AND HONKING CONTINUES IN DISTANCE)

(ALARM BLARES)

(BOTH BEEP AND HONK FRANTICALLY)

Awoogah!

(BOTH BEEP AND HONK FRANTICALLY)

(LASER EYES THRUM, ZAP)

They've got lasers! - Quick! There's a button.

I just pushed it. You just stopped it going.

- OK, well, if you push it again?

(ALARM CONTINUES BLARING)

(BOTH SQUABBLE INDISTINCTLY)

They're coming. They're coming. They're coming. They're coming.

(BOTH YELP)

- Don't forget to leave your name and number in our visitor book.

If you have any questions, feel free to reach out.

Do leave us a review.

- Oh, that was intense. Like, one Ian is bad enough, but 50 of them with freaky laser eyes?

Whoa! What happened to Lower Hutt?

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is that cardboard?

- I guess we know where all the people went.

- It's a buyer's market.

And here at Unreal Estate, we've got exclusive opportunities

for discerning investors like you.

Here's a rare chance to own property at a price that defies logic and basic economics.

This starter home offers unlimited headroom

and unrestricted natural lighting.

The sky's the limit.

For the buyer who wants something different,

this home redefines modern angles, offering a fresh new perspective.

Just move in and start living.

You'll really dig this low-maintenance treat ?

a cosy subterranean retreat offering open-plan living

that really thinks outside the box.

Speaking of boxes,

if you're struggling to get on the property ladder, don't worry.

Our rental units are fully recyclable and partially waterproof.

Prices so hot, the fire department is on speed dial.

- SINGS:

- Wow. I used to make forts out of boxes when I was a kid,

but this is next level.

- This whole city is made out of cardboard and sticky tape.

- What do they even do when it rains? There's so many questions.

- And I think I know where we can get some answers.

- Information. How can I?

Warren, Lucy. Is that really you?

- Why wouldn't it be us, Laurel?

- Cos you've been missing for, like, five years.

- Aunty Laurel, what are you doing here?

- Information. It says it on the...

Do you want some? - Yes.

Where's my darling Hinemoa, and is she OK?

- Yeah.

Well... - Well, well, what's wrong?

Has she found someone else? She has. - No, no, no, nothing like that.

She's just...

well, uh...

(HARD ROCK MUSIC)

- Warren? Lucy?

- Mum!

- Babe?

- Mum.

- Where have you guys been?

It was a vortex, wasn't it? - Mum, you look so...

cool.

- Toku ahua? Kia ora.

Yeah, the crust punk community has really been there for me

these last five years, you know?

They've really helped me (INHALES SHARPLY) through my grief.

- Get a box, you guys.

- And there's something different about you.

- Kind of like kissing your sister. - You kissed your own sister?

- I'll give you three some privacy.

- No, um, what I'm trying to get is, uh,

it's really great to see you, Hinemoa.

- Ae.

Samesies.

Come on, let's get you two home.

- Hinemoa, I have one really important question.

Is that, like, a hairstyle, or did you just sleep on it funny?

- Ah, it's a skullet, because it's a skull and a mullet.

Here we are, whanau.

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC)

Home, sweet home. - This is our whare?

- Mm-hm. - Must be cheap as.

- Yeah, it's only, like, 5 mil a month.

- Warren, I thought that was you, mate. Good to see ya.

You know, we dredged the entire Hutt River looking for your body, mate,

and it took bloody ages. - Of course you live next door.

- Yeah. I got the premier Smugg Double Empress Fridge Mega Box

here, mate. Tell you what, she's quite roomy.

You moving back in with the missus, are ya?

- Mm-hm.

- Might be a tight squeeze in there, mate.

I guess this means you're off the market now does it, Hine?

- I told you, Phil, I am not interested.

- Yeah, I'm not either. - You hit on my wife, Phil.

- Well, you weren't here, mate. What am I supposed to do?

- It had only been a week.

- Eight days.

- Oh, get you, eh? - Relax. OK?

I'm not interested any more,

ever since you got that skullet to match your mullet.

- Well, at least I'm not wearing a toupee.

- This is a weave, my friend. - Is that right?

- All right? This is a Wellington working man's weave.

- I'm sorry, Officer Toupee. - Officer Toupee?

Oh, you throwing barbs at me, mate?

(BICYCLE BELL DINGS)

(INDISTINCT ARGUING)

- Warren! - Hey.

Brother! - Hey, how are you?

- I'm good, bro. How are you? - Good. Hey, guess what!

I'm on a cycling team called the Cardboard Cyclists,

and we train every day except when it's raining.

You know why? Cos then it gets too mushy. (CHUCKLES)

- Oh, jeez. (GASPS)

Oh, Warren! You're back!

You're back. - Yep.

- So you weren't abducted by aliens? - Nope.

- I want you to give me some respect.

- Earn respect, mate.

- Stop it. You're acting like children.

- He is. - He is.

- We shouldn't be fighting each other.

We should be fighting those who put us here in the first place!

We need to stand up to our evil overlords and their minion clones.

Who owns all the properties around here?

Who's the bad guy, the Darth Vader? Is it Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk?

- Worse.

Mrs Schrodinger.

- As in Mrs Schrodinger, our nextdoor neighbour?

Why don't we just bail her up? - What do you expect us to do?

Just walk up to her house and say, 'Hey, give us our houses back,

'you mean old?'

(BUZZ!) - Hey, give us our houses back.

(SUSTAINED BUZZ)

No one's answering. (LIMBS WHIRR, CLICK)

- Hey, do you think Tem got paid for every single clone that he played,

or was it just a flat fee for them all?

(BUZZ!)

I reckon there's a way easier way to get in here. Follow me.

(BIRD SQUAWKS)

Watch and learn. You have to do this safely.

(GRUNTS)

Are you watching? (GRUNTS)

Look out.

(GRUNTS, GROANS)

Oh, my sciatica.

(LIMBS WHIRR)

- Wait. There are lasers.

(LASERS HUM, CRACKLE)

- Oh, lasers?

Lucy, there's definitely no lasers, OK?

- Whoa, how can I see that?

(SEAGULL SQUAWKS)

- Watch out!

There seems to be some kind of advanced laser defence system

I can't see for some reason.

- Yeah. You stay there.

(LASERS CRACKLE)

I've got this.

- Be careful, Lucy.

(LOW, TENSE MUSIC)

(CAT MEOWS)

- Wait, cat, no!

(CAT SCREECHES)

(LIMBS WHIRR, CLICK)

- POSH ACCENT: Drop the cat immediately.

You have 20 seconds to comply.

- Take us to Mrs Schrodinger, or the cat gets it.

(CAT MEOWS)

- TV: The common housecat in its natural habitat.

- Who the hell is this, Jeeves?

- I managed to catch her before she got fully lasered.

- Oh, thank you, dear girl.

Jeeves, how many times do I have to tell you to not let the cat out

when the deadly laser beams are activated?

Bad robot.

Very naughty.

Mummy mad.

- My name's Lucy, and this is my father, Warren, and there's?

- No, Jeeves.

Let the girl talk.

Carry on, Lily.

- Uh, thank you.

You own our old house.

You own our old whole neighbourhood, actually.

And, um, good for you.

But did you know that the houses are completely empty now?

No one can afford to live in them.

- Well don't blame me for house prices, young lady.

It's the market. We all have to tighten our belts.

- But? - But nothing.

I'm sick of this.

I got where I am today by hard graft

and a small $6 trillion loan from my family.

There's nothing to stop you work-shy slobs from doing the same.

- Except that we don't have $6 trillion, lady.

- And we're not work-shy slobs. - Yeah, we work hard.

We're police officers, teachers.

- And we still can't afford to have a roof over our heads.

We live in boxes.

- You live in what? - Cardboard boxes.

- That... is disgusting.

I'm gonna fix this right away.

Jeeves, bring me the telephone. (LIMBS WHIRR)

- TV: ...or C ? bottoms. (LAUGHTER) - Dad!

- What? The Chase is on. I haven't seen it for ages. - What's this Chase?

- Oh, you'd love it. It's a game show about money. And that Bradley Walsh, look at him. Look.

He's cracking up at a rude word. Classic Bradley.

- Bradley Walsh, you say? - Mm-hm.

- Hmm. - TV: (LAUGHS) Undercarriage!

- I thought by getting her to fix the problem, the vortex would open, like with the fridges.

- Oh, maybe we have to tell everybody in Cardboard City

that we saved the day.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

Aw. - TV: Classic!

- Mrs Schrodinger was actually kind of nice.

I don't know what they're all talking about. Oh.

- Dad, she burnt the town down.

- Oh, we didn't save the day at all, did we?

I don't believe it. The whole town burned down, and they're gone.

Cardboard is a really bad material to build a town out of.

- Poor Mum.

(CHAINS RATTLE)

Oh, my God, I can see her.

- So can I. I can still see her face, even with that stink-as haircut

and those stupid ripped jeans, she was so beautiful to me.

I can even still hear her voice calling out to me on the wind.

- Warren, you dick! - Hinemoa? Are you in heaven?

Oh, you're still alive! (LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)

- Ah, no thanks to you two. You know, we all survived.

Uh, we have a very efficient fire drill system.

- Where is everyone? - Oh, up there.

Hi, guys! Guys!

- What happened?

- You told that old witch about us, didn't you?

- Maybe. - Maybe?

She sent those evil wild robots, and they burnt down our whole town.

Now I've got to cancel the Tour de Cardboard.

- She said she was gonna fix everything.

- Yeah, she fixed it, all right. Look what they done to Phil.

- Oh, so this is all your fault, mullet head?

- Huh? I'm actually really sorry you lost your eyebrows, Phil.

I mean, it must be really hard to show surprise now,

but that definitely looks a lot like anger to me.

- Oh, it is anger, bro. And I'm ready to blow.

- Oh, keep your hair on, Sideshow Bob.

- Oh, you wanna go? - Yeah?

- Well, how's about we go downtown and I arrest you for what you did to my face?

I'm gonna take down your name. I'm gonna take down your address.

I'm gonna take down your email, Harrison.

- You want my email, do you? - That's what I said. - So, all lowercase, all one word.

philisadick@gmail.com - Oh, you wanna spar?

- Cut it out, you two. Cut it out.

- I'm chill, but he started it. - He caused my face to look like a peeled grape!

- Stop it! We all lost our houses, hmm?

- We're sorry, Mum ? we were just trying to help. Maybe we can go back and talk to her.

- I think you've done enough, girl. - Yeah, no, grape face is right.

Look, we listened to bloody Greta Thunberg there last time,

and look where that got us. - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I'm actually really, really proud that my daughter tried her best to help all of you.

OK, so we didn't know that Mrs Schrodinger was gonna send

her evil army of landroids.

But in the words of the great Wellington businessman

LV Martin, it's the putting right that counts.

So I say we all go down to Mrs Schrodinger's house and we?

- And we burn it down! (ALL CHEER)

- No, we're going to do what I've always told Lucy to do.

We're gonna use our words.

(EPIC ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

- We demand to speak to Mrs Schrodinger.

- ALL: Yeah!

- I'm assuming you're here to pay your respects.

- What, they cremated her already?

- Well, it's only fair ? she cremated our whole flippin' town!

Almost cremated me, too, just quietly.

I'm starting to feel a little woozy.

- What happened, bro?

- Her heart gave out watching The Chase.

It was a very fast and exciting money round,

and Bradley Walsh, with his 'come hither' eyes.

She'd never watched the show before.

Seeing it was too much for her soft little heart.

(SOBS)

(LIMBS WHIRR)

- Presentation initiated.

- Welcome to my will reading,

and condolences upon your very great loss.

Thank you for being here, whoever you are.

Well, I'm sure you're in a state of deep despair.

There will be a period of mourning of eight to nine months,

but my affairs must be put in order.

I leave my entire estate, all my money, houses, and land...

to my darling Lucy.

- Huh? - What?

- Lucy has shown me a kindness and a warmth

my droid helpers have always lacked.

- Hope this goes without saying, but everyone gets their houses back!

(ALL CHEER HAPPILY)

- Whoo!

- All I did was return her cat.

It's kind of sad to think

that was the only time anyone showed her any kindness.

- Mm-hm. Hmm.

- I guess kindness really can change the world.

- Yes. Yes, it can.

(SPOOKY MUSIC)

(RECORD SCRATCHES)

(METAL MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY)

- It's so good to have you and Lucy home again.

Now you can join me in the crust punk community.

I had to play you my new favourite song.

(INTENSE METAL MUSIC PLAYS)

(SINGER RAPIDLY VOCALISES DISCORDANTLY)

(VORTEX WARBLES)

- Vortex.

- Thank God.

- (SCREAMS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(VORTEX WARBLES)

- Ooh, OK. I'm not loving this at all.

- Yeah. Nothing good ever happens at night.

I've watched enough Stranger Things to know that this ends with something creepy.

- Is that Laurel? Loz, what are you doing in the dark, man?

- Wait. - Are you on Tinder again?

- Dad, I think it's something creepy.

- Well, Tinder is full of creeps. Hey, Loz.

- (BOTH GASP) - E hika!

- Hold it. Don't look at the phone. I think they take over your brain.

- Oh, and how many times have I said that to you?

- So they're all playing some kind of farming game called Whani Farm.

I think it's what turned them all into mobile-phone zombies.

Zombies.

- Argh! - Jeez!

I can't believe I'm saying this, but we wanna hear your conspiracy theories.

- OK, everybody's reaching a billion points faster than I though.

- What are you two heathens doing in my house?

- Dad, help! - Lucy!

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