Original subtitles

Oh, thanks. Here are the keys.

What? What?

Sheila!

Goddamnit! Come on! We got a party here, damn it!

Sheila!

Sheila, come on back!

Now where the hell are you going?

Sorry, Marty. No, no, no, she's alright.

He was my friend. No, he-- he was my friend.

- But he was a nice man. - Tom?

- I don't want it now. - Are you alright?

I don't want it.

Guess what?

Your father has had his body defrosted into life,

and he wants this house back.

Almost.

Clinton requests our attendance on his yacht for a week.

No kidding?

Oh, God. Oh, God! Could it be? Could it be?

I wouldn't count on it, no, I think he's just bored

and wants to play parlor games.

But we'll go anyway.

Ever the dreamer.

- Give me a sip of that. - It's ginger ale.

Do you want one?

Tom, write something new.

Forget "Freak Show." Clinton's never gonna produce it.

And he's never going to give it back to you.

Probably.

Okay. Who else besides me?

Yeah. Both of them or just him? Oh, that's good.

No way. Yeah, well, who else is coming?

Well, that's different. Of course, I'll come.

We've been dying to sign her for months.

Hello? It's a bad connection here.

I said I have been dying

to see you for months!

Listen, what about Bridey Murphy? Is she coming?

What do you mean what do I mean?

This is the same B-group that was in your house

the night Sheila got bounced to the hedges.

Yeah, well, I'm giving it to Joyce Haber

"Clinton Greene's Anniversary Wake."

That's what I said. It's not right for Haber.

Okay, we'll just keep it our secret instead.

Listen, I loved your... That's a piece of dreck.

I loved your wire and I can't wait to see you, really.

I mean, I've lost 50 pounds. I'm a hollow reed. Kiss, kiss.

Call Haber and give her the dish.

Disguise your voice as a woman.

"My year of mourning being over." Is he kidding?

I mean, we went directly to Streisand's opening

at The Sands right from the cemetery.

Get me Freddie, will you?

Freddie, I wanna go to South France, honey.

Settle down, please, everyone!

Thank you. Now, girls, shall we try?

Big smiles, everyone.

- Elizabeth. - Britain's best bow-wows...

- Bark! - For Buffers.

- Very good... - Phone, Mr. Dexter.

It's your wife.

Yes, darling?

From whom?

Oh, good God!

- Bark! Bark! - When? Very good.

Well, send a confirming telegram from both of us.

Very well, then, from me.

Darling, I must hang up now.

One of my cast is peeing on my leg.

Something Garbo never did, even at her moodiest.

Bye, now.

Sorry.

Alright, everyone off. Once again, please.

Now animation. Wave the little tins. Ready. Go!

No, no that's it, that's it. You ready, darling?

- Yes. - Ready, gentlemen?

Ready!

- Do you enjoy Rome, love? - Do I!

I enjoy Rome for countless reasons.

Why do you leave?

Well, I've just finished my picture

starring Kirk Douglas and I'm exhausted.

- And the heat. - Where do you go?

Um, for a week on the yacht of a famous producer.

But I'm not afraid. My husband will be there to protect me.

That's right, but I'm afraid our plane will leave without us.

If you gentlemen will excuse us. No, no, grazie-

Senor, senor-

- Senor, senor. - No! No! No!

Oh, I'm fine! He didn't mean anything.

You don't do commercials for liquor companies.

Why can't we just go on a vacation like normal people?

Let's board.

Don't want to leave the luggage, and I ain't carrying it

three feet.

Is your back okay?

Yeah, so far.

Well, I pray it stays that way and that Clinton

stays in a good mood.

Where is everybody?

You don't think they're below playing sardines

or something, do you?

I'll bet Clinton's got games planned for every day.

Just as long as he sticks to the days

and leaves us some nights for ourselves.

Hey! Tommy! Lee!

It's a mistake!

Hey, so what do you think, gang, huh?

Thrilled, pleased, disappointed?

It's fabulous, Clinton.

- I didn't know you were coming. - You're thrilled about it.

- I can tell. - I'm delighted.

Clinton can take his frustrations out on you.

Yeah, but you know he's always sorry afterwards.

- How are you, Tom? - Hey, CG.

- Hi, how was your flight? - Flight was good.

Alright, people. Let's line up by the prow.

- What is this, a pogrom? - Now, come on.

When do you wish to sail, Signor Greene?

When do I wish to sail?

Let's get out of this joint tout de suite-

- Totally dry. - Alright, gang.

Let's line up right here.

Husbands and wives separate, uh...

Lee, between Alice and Anthony. Right in here.

That's right. Ah-ha!

Philip, you there. Christine.

Tom, on the other side of Christine. There!

Left profile, darling.

He's Italian.

I took the wrong three weeks at Berlitz.

All I know is scusi and pronto.

Pronto will be enough.

Alright, now let's smile, or whatever you people

do for a living. Take that hat off, Christine.

Alright, now squeeze in closer.

Come on, come on, squeeze in close

or you'll be out of the picture.

And I don't mean this one.

Perfect!

A study of six hungry failures. Just kidding, gang.

He'll watch his mouth when you sign with me.

When's lunch?

Come on, people. Vittorio will show you your cabin.

I hate my luggage more than life.

- Whose is this? - That's ours.

Vuitton from rewriting spaghetti westerns?

- What's Vuitton? - Good.

- Oh! - Wowie!

Who did this room, Parker Brothers?

Sometimes it rains, you know--

- What's the scoreboard for? - Ah, well, that's for later.

Whoops, uh...

Sorry.

Oh, that's alright. That's what they're for.

It's only Sheila's favorite.

Alright.

Everybody...

down to the latrines for a shave, shower,

or douche, depending on your hang-up.

I think it's fabulous, Clinton.

This is the bathroom.

- You like it? - Oh, it's really beautiful.

What, uh, period would you say it was, Clinton?

Louis XXXIV.

Come on, gang, let's get this show on the road.

Oh, it's fabulous, Clinton. Absolutely fabulous.

- It's like your mother's. - It's like our maid's.

Tom, Lee, you have to share a John. Get to know each other.

Philip.

Come on, love. Let's try it out.

What do you got for me, something special?

- Yes. - Can't wait to see it.

Oh, I love it! But where does the crew sleep?

Look, Alice and Anthony got the double

because he didn't want her sulking for six days.

Because he knew you wouldn't sulk.

Everything with Clinton is points.

Understand? Points.

- Do you understand? - Too well.

I don't mind Clinton, you know.

I just don't want him running our lives.

Ah, wonderful, Anthony and Alice have brought

their cassette player.

- Bottled water? - Cabin-o five-o, capice?

Cabin-o five-o.

Nice little ass, but I think he's afraid of me.

Now, what do you think we're doing here?

- Oh, you're here, too. - Clinton's project.

- Mm-hm, which is? - Which is?

Well, he's been hinting about making a picture

on the life and death of Sheila Greene.

That is truly bizarre.

No, not really.

She's still a compulsive subject

with Clinton.

But he never really cared about her.

Oh, yes, he did. He cared about her very much.

He cared very much about her Arizona real estate holdings

which we are sailing on right now.

Finding the guy who hit her is just another game with Clinton.

Absolutely. But what a game.

And now Tom gets to write it, Philip gets to direct it,

and what's her face, I mean, uh, my new client,

Miss Alice Wood gets to thrill you as Sheila Greene,

who rose from call girl to columnist.

Listen, just do me this.

Minutes from now, when Clinton talks about this

and he will, just be surprised.

Well, I'm thinking of calling it...

Don't be shocked now.

"The Last of Sheila."

Fox is interested, Paramount is interested.

It's the perfect woman's picture.

Every bit as big as "Love Story."

Except she never gets to play that good hospital scene.

Well, Clinton, I think it's the picture we've been waiting for.

If we're available, of course.

Yeah, well, provided they're not opening a new

shopping center in Anaheim, you will be.

Ah! Two hours to game time, gang.

Let me describe the week's entertainment for you.

The last time I played a game was charades at--

At my house, year ago, the night Sheila was killed.

As a matter of fact, everyone here was--

Was there. Except Lee.

You were home sick in Santa Barbara, you said.

Uh, no, I was home sick of Santa Barbara, I said.

I like any game where you don't have to move.

Well, you don't have to for this one, if you're smart enough.

Meaning?

Well, it's sort of...

I call it "The Sheila Greene

Memorial Gossip Game."

Sounds fascinating.

And I haven't even described it yet.

- No, I couldn't. I'm stuffed. - Now, I've dreamed up odds--

Can't you take a joke? Come here.

Pay attention, please.

Now, I dreamed up six secrets, one for each of you.

Six little pretend pieces of gossip.

Now keep them secret.

Give me, give me.

- Can we look at them? - It'll help.

How do you think these things up?

Well, this one's only taken me a month to prepare,

"He said modestly."

It's marvelous.

It's what I've always wanted to be.

It says, "You are a snoop."

No, no, no, don't throw it away. Keep them till Saturday.

And don't show them.

Anybody who wants to peek at mine gets a kiss.

What's the game?

Well, the idea is to discover everybody's secret

without peeking, of course, and prevent the other players

from discovering yours.

And how do we do that?

Well, every day, we'll park in a different port

where you can discover the proof of one person's secret.

I'll announce what secret it is to look for and give you a clue

which will tell you what to do and where to go on shore.

Now, if you solve the clue properly,

it'll lead you to where the proof is.

Now, suppose you announce, let's say, "Pyromaniac."

And let's say that's my secret.

Why should I bother looking for the proof?

Because when the person whose secret it is

discovers the proof, I'll put a card out saying

the game for that evening is over.

And those who haven't found it don't score, right?

Right, oh, if you could direct as fast as you catch on

to games you'd never be a has-been again.

- What do we get if we win? - Better billing.

- Let's play! - Ah!

According to the old pizza stinger

that runs this tub for me

the launch will be back to pick you up at 7:00 p.m.

That's when you'll get your clue for this evening.

For whom are we looking tonight?

The person with the shoplifter card.

Vittorio!

Alright, who's got the shoplifter card?

Oh, come on, fellas, we're not gonna really do this, are we?

Run around this bombed-out backwater

with a silver key up our tuchus?

This probably means that you're the shoplifter.

Is this the only clue we're gonna get?

- It must open a door somewhere. - Brilliant.

Oh, it's a game. I thought you were going to enjoy it.

Vittorio, honey, I wanna talk to you.

- If we're playing... - Hey, stop.

Stop coming on to Vittorio, Christine.

He doesn't know what the key means any more than you do.

It's my secret.

Everybody got their key? Huh?

Vittorio will be back to pick you up again

at 10 o'clock sharp.

Now, be on the docks by that time or you'll have to

swim back to the boat through the oil slick

and the beer cans.

And no conferring. This is an individual competition.

Oh, quit pouting, Alice.

You're having a terrific time.

Kill.

Don't hate me. I followed you.

Hey, look, I know it's against the rules, but really

we could knock this off together.

You know, actually, I speak a little frog.

Just don't tell Clinton I did it, okay?

Look at this chintzy toast rack.

Maybe it's a letter holder. What do you think?

I think Steve and Eydie would love it.

How much is it, this thing?

Ninety francs. Nine... What is that?

Ninety divided by five?

- Merci- - Are you kidding? That is $18.

I think that's outrageous... Where'd she go? Lee!

I'd very much like to be allowed to compare

this key with the keys of your rooms,

if that's alright with you.

Hey, Lee, what did you find?

Lee, wait for me!

- What did you find? - Oh!

I'll give you a hint.

The word in French for key is cle.

C-L-E-F. Get it?

Hey, d-- don't tell Clinton I told you, okay?

Lee!

Lee!

I never saw that one before.

She's probably a war baby.

Tsk!

I knew this hotel was an at-cay ouse-hay.

It's the same key that whore had on the corner.

Which corner, madam?

- Don't touch the dummy, dummy. - Jesus.

Just figure out what happened and get your buns out of here

before one of the other dodos comes in.

Alright.

Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

Well, obviously, this is the shoplifter's room.

Everything still has a price tag on it.

Yawn.

And, uh, this is a detective whom he's killed.

And, uh, this bottle of perfume is a clue

to the shoplifter's identity.

Do you move your lips when you read?

Uh, uh, perfume,

uh, scent, uh, money.

Uh, no, no, um,

French money is francs, not cents, uh...

Chan... Oh!

Chanel No. 5.

Very good, Clinton.

Very good.

Here are all the known photographs

of the brutal shoplifter who has terrified

the sniveling merchants of the Riviera for the past 20 years.

Here is the only head shot taken by Bruno of Hollywood.

Ah, Clinton, I'm dazzled! Closed circuit?

What did you think it was, black magic?

Is this it? Oh, my God! What is that?

No, don't get your hopes up, darling, it's not our host,

he's standing behind the door.

You go play pinball machines.

- Have fun. - Now, now. See you at 10:00.

Hi.

- You get it? - Unh-unh. Not yet.

Well, I could give you a hint.

Unh-unh, I want to figure this one out all by myself.

You seem a little worried. You okay?

I'm fine.

Go on, get out of here, you shoplifter.

Here is the only headshot

taken by Bruno of Hollywood.

Well, I found the proof.

- What now? - We get out of here.

Ketchup's beginning to attract silverfish.

- Ooh! Don't hit me. - No, no, no.

Thank God you speak French. Listen.

D-- did you, uh, you did get fixed up

with one of the go-go boys in there, did you?

- Are you kidding me? - Mm.

Are you... I spent the last hour ditching guys

who thought I was offering them the key to my hotel room.

Hotel.

Hey, fellows, I got the key, I knew it would...

Any of you guys belong to a '57 Dodge pickup truck?

Oh, shit!

Not here for God's sake.

Everybody's walking around. Listen.

I wanna see you tonight. I'd like to talk to you.

It's about this game.

I know we said we'd be careful, but I don't think

anybody will be on the top deck. I mean late.

Hi, bunny.

You mean there's no such thing as 18-karat silver?

No, gold, my dear. Only gold.

If I'd been thinking more clearly I wouldn't have wasted

15 minutes in some masseuse's apartment

while she showed me her scrapbooks from World War ll.

- Is it your back? - Yes. All that running around.

Alright, Brownie troop, I just wanna ask you two questions.

- Who solved it, and how many? - Didn't you, sweetie?

Hey, no talking about the game.

Oh, I'll be more into it tomorrow night.

You'd better be, honey, or Sandra Dee

will be playing Sheila.

- Terrific! - Go tell them to turn it down.

Are you mad? I'm not gonna play housemother to those two.

Ah! Alone at last.

Not while Clinton's al...

Good Lord. I was gonna say not while Clinton's on board

and it came out "Not while Clinton's alive."

Boy, you don't forgive easy.

I've lived around Clintons all my life,

starting with daddy, that same hearty way

of bringing people to their knees

and then, handing out little presents.

Like this job.

- Why are you doing this? - Come on.

She wants a bigger bed.

Point noted.

Come over here. Let's forget Clinton for a while.

And starlight filled the corners of the room.

You're an incurable romantic.

Oh, it's curable.

I swear to God, I'm not. That's it.

Now, what's that all about?

Hey, turn off your questing mind for a while.

We went through a shuffle at the model agency,

and I was broke.

Jean wasn't keeping me anymore, and I don't know

suddenly I just got this urge to take something, anything.

Oh, I told myself it was because I was broke

but... really, it was just this urge.

So I ripped off a leopard coat.

Big brown buttons and slash pockets.

Poor thing. But, of course, I got caught.

"Would you please accompany me to the manager's office?"

They said.

And you know who got me out of it?

No, scratch that. We know how jealous you get, don't we?

Anyway, I got bailed out and nobody knew.

But nobody knew me then.

That's why I was so out of it tonight.

Clinton swore to me it was just a coincidence, but...

you see, it's not just me.

Look, darling.

You see?

And I thought of you.

And I thought that Clinton's got something on each of us.

He's just mixed up the cards, that's all.

It's rotten.

But I'd like to know what the others are.

I wonder what he's got for Anthony.

That's the thing about secrets.

We all know stuff about each other,

we just don't know the same stuff.

How did he find out?

Sheila, probably.

Have you got the shoplifter card? That'd be ironic.

You won't tell.

What card do you have? Hm?

Now how are you going to get through this trip

without jumping on my bones and eating me alive, hm?

What card do you have?

Please? Tell me. Tell me.

Tell me. Please.

Is she still upset?

What? Oh!

- Talk about a body. - Please don't.

Oh! She's looking upset again.

That's because she doesn't like games.

- She always loses. - Will you stop it?

Why don't you go down the hall and get yourself a job?

Oh, you're so mean to me. Isn't she mean to me?

Oh! Boo-hoo.

Boo-hoo.

Boo-hoo!

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, you started without me.

Lee, my darling.

What're you doing out here at this ungodly hour?

Have I ever told you how sweet you were to me

when I was a child?

Nothing could've been simpler.

No, I mean it. At daddy's legendary Sunday lunches.

I can still see you on Olivia de Havilland's lap.

It's funny, you know, she was one of the few people

that Sheila ever had anything good to say about.

Couldn't you sleep?

Yes, if I took a Seconal,

which I'd rather not do just yet.

Lord, I hope that Clinton really does intend to do this movie.

Tom has done nothing but rewrite jobs for so long now.

And need I tell you the two years we've tried

living off Clinton's options on "Freak Show."

Hardly paid for the pool maintenance?

If a, um, glass of second-rate brandy at this hour

might excuse a certain tactlessness

why don't you simply dip into capital

and produce your own picture?

Private finance is not that uncommon nowadays.

Can you imagine how Tom would feel about that?

Well, heigh-ho, gang.

Going over your hand signals for the bridge tournament?

How'd I feel about what?

If, um, if after a sudden blackout,

we all discovered we were dead

as a result of some terrible crash

and we're on our way to the great beyond.

- Hm, with Clinton as God. - Yes.

Give me a sip of that.

- It's bourbon. - Right.

Well, I hear that calisthenics are at 8:00 sharp.

We wouldn't want to incur disfavor at this point.

Would we? Goodnight.

He's a nice man.

- Come on back down. - Mm.

- I only had one. - Don't worry about it.

Let's just get some sleep.

I'd kill myself for a hot bath. Clinton has the only tub.

- Want one of these? - I may not need it, doctor.

- What's the matter? - I don't know.

There's something going on. I'm getting some strange vibes.

I'm gonna have a talk with Clinton.

- At this hour? - He never sleeps, like Dracula.

He hasn't had a good eight hours since the night

Sheila was killed.

Do you think we'll ever hear the last of Sheila?

Tommy, let's just make this movie,

and put the money in mutual bonds and go home.

Go to sleep, dear boy.

They'll give us conflicting reports about it in the morning.

Clinton, I've been thinking on the subject

of managing Alice's career.

I mean, we do sort of think of her career as our career

sort of thing, but still, my...

My aspirations do run closer

to the production end of things, if you know what I mean.

Production, casting, et cetera.

Uh-huh!

What would you say, and please be

absolutely frank,

to me asking you for an...

an associate producership on this upcoming film?

- What would I say? - Mm-hm.

I would say, uh,

"Boo-hoo."

There's nothing worse than a hustler with bad timing.

Crissy, put a little of this on my back, will you?

I'd really love to, honey, but it'll throw my schedule off.

I have to do 25 minutes on my front today.

Oh, to make up for the 25 minutes you spent

on your back last night.

Honey, put some gunk on her back, will you?

We don't want her to burn.

Anyhow, as I was saying, they shoot you

full of these rhino tranqs and then they wrap you

in these hot sheets.

You wake up five days later about 30 pounds thinner

and screaming for hot turkey sandwiches, I mean it...

- Hey, you listening to me? - Kind of.

I'm here because I've got a client to keep and one to get.

What's your excuse?

I'm trying to hold on to a husband

who's trying to go down.

With your money?

I like you best alone.

You've been telling me that for years.

Do you know that guy on the corner

who winds up his little mechanical men,

and they run crazily around?

- I'm that guy. - Oh, Clinton.

"Oh, Clinton," what?

- I'm sorry. - You're sorry, what?

I'm sorry Anthony didn't handle that better.

Cut. Print.

Whoo-hoo! Vittorio!

Whoo-hoo! Vittorio!

Shh! Christine, the crew are having their naps.

Jesus! Watch Pakistan, and now naps for sailors?

Honey, would you drop me down a Tab?

My mouth is so dry I feel like they could shoot

"Lawrence of Arabia" in it.

You know, Christine just said that her mouth is so dry

they could fill "Lawrence of Arabia" in it.

Right.

Tommy!

Hey, Tommy! Come on in.

Tell us about the rewrite you did on Fistful of Lasagna

or whatever the hell it was.

You never talk about your work. Why is that?

Hey, Philip!

Philip! Philip, listen.

I've been mulling over the opening sequence.

What do you think? We zoom in close on a sleeping bag.

Somewhere in the Pacific Northwest, right?

It's Sheila's mother in labor.

- Think it'll play? - Sorry, Clinton.

I didn't quite get that. Shall we play what?

Jesus, go back to sleep, Lee.

Stand up, Christine!

I hope you were taking movies.

Where's your robe?

Get her a drink.

Oh, look at me. I got a new hairstyle.

He hit me!

Get a...

Get me a glass of water and a couple of lesbians.

Did you hear what I said?

My, that was limpy.

What's the matter with you people?

Christine.

I'm so tired. I just have to take a nap now.

Wake me up when the credits are over.

Hey, there.

Is she okay?

Yeah, she's alright.

Vittorio, Goddamn you, where are you?

Alright, alright! You listen, come on.

You've got some explaining to do.

Don't you know enough not to turn those eggbeaters on

when we're ditching around out there?

This is a goddamn luxury cruise, not an obstacle course!

Look, I've been asking around, and none of us

was in sight of any of the others

for just those few seconds.

Alice claims to have been in her cabin.

I was in the lounge with Guido.

- Lee was on the top deck. - I was in my cabin.

According to the rules of the genre,

we should now be looking for a motive.

Even Clinton could have climbed up the other ladder

and started the engines.

Well, well, well, not pawing through my...

bag of tricks there, are you, dad?

- No, Clinton. - Ooh!

- Trying to get my attention? - It's my back.

Come up here, don't you slip a disc.

No, don't answer that.

We don't want this topic to degenerate

into the discussion phase. Take a pill.

Vittorio, get my friend two blue with the purple stripe.

Maybe if I stayed out of tonight's game.

Oh, Jesus, I'd really hate that.

But que sera, but as long as you're ready

for Saturday night, which is your biggie.

- Saturday? - Yep.

Moor away, laddies.

You like it?

I love it.

Tiny, tiny islands fascinate my ass.

I've got this crazy broker in London

that sends me these brochures on all the islands for sale

all over the world. Little impoverished islands.

A few thousand dollars cash and you're practically

king to six shepherds and their families.

Or whatever.

I read every word on every island.

And you know what I do?

I tear them neatly in half

and drop them in the waste basket.

Then I say to myself--

I'm still weak, Clinton,

but I'm eating solid food.

I say to myself, "If there's one thing I hate,

it's to have my island speech interrupted."

I say to myself...

"No, you poor people,

you don't deserve a good king like me."

That's what I say.

Three hours to magic time. Bye-bye!

Heidi-heidi-ho, gamesters!

Everybody on the decky-wecky.

Oh, there they are.

You know, it really touches me, the way you people

humor me, day after day.

Here they are, gang, your clues for this evening.

Read them and weep. Good work, Tom.

Alright, the launch will be back

to pick you up at 8:20 sharp.

Be ready.

Hey, Clinton! Who are we looking for?

Tonight, the homosexual.

In a monastery?

Where else?

"The isle off the Church of Saint Pierre."

Shouldn't that... That must be of, "O-F," hm?

"This isle, now largely uninhabited

by modest fisher folk was once the domain

of the now devastating monastery

of forgotten men."

Hey. This must be a put-on, yeah?

Clinton's fine Italian hand.

"Travelers engulf from many lands

to the site of this former 11 th century refuge

of perverts, onanists, catamites

and other riffraff of the day."

We have just 15 minutes.

Just enough time for me to get dressed as a catamite,

if I knew what it was.

Right.

Honey, honey, I know this isn't the kind of junk

you keep in your head, but, um...

- But what? - Well...

Can you ever remember hearing any gossip

about Alice being arrested?

For taking something from a shop.

I'm going to grab a quick shower before we take off.

Just be a minute.

Okay?

Okay?

Do you think there's a homosexual aboard the yacht?

God, I don't know. Is there a dividing line today?

Don't patronize me.

Patronize? Is that the word you really mean?

- What's the matter now? - I'm sorry.

Is this game only a game?

I'll be right out.

I'll be up on deck.

Ah, it's all rather like a Hammer film, isn't it?

He's got the sound department working overtime.

It's weird.

And I'm scared.

"In these ruins, monks' robes must be worn at all times

in respect for the departed brothers."

I fear it's to be a costume party.

"The evening tour commences at 9:00 p.m.

and ends at 9:30 p.m., regardless.

To begin before will enrage the spirit of Fra Pervertus.

The vows of silence must be observed, so keep..."

So keep what? Keep what? Keep... What does it say?

I don't like that at all.

What time is it?

It begins.

That's Clinton.

All we have to do is find him.

Vows of silence. Vows of silence.

Well, it's the sound of music, for God's sake.

But then, how are we supposed to know

which place to look for him?

We're wasting time.

Clinton.

Clinton, what am I supposed to do?

Listen, I know it's you.

I heard you cough.

Now, the others there, they're on tape.

Right?

That's disgusting.

- But clever. - Shh. You'll ruin it.

You're supposed to be Alice, obviously.

And you're supposed to be on the other side,

so I can use the slider.

Much more effective but the door's stuck.

Goddamnit!

How'd you find me so fast?

That "lsle off the Church" pun in the brochure.

Not up to par, Your Eminence.

I'll fix the door.

They must have loused it up when they moved it.

Can I help?

No, just piss off...

my son-

Ah, Goddamn you!

Oh, for shame.

Damn.

Wanna kiss me?

You could do with a little more rouge.

Mm.

Is the volume too high out there?

Mm. Too low, if anything.

Shit, nothing's going right.

Maybe if I, uh, open the door

to the chapel a little wider, huh?

Clinton?

Clinton.

Ollie, Ollie, oxen free!

Just give us the news, please.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Am I the first?

What do I do now?

Oh, but, Clinton, don't leave me.

Clinton, I hate being scared.

Scared.

- Ah! - Shh!

Then Alice has the homosexual card.

Just keep your voice down and get the hell out of here.

Oh, Clinton, this is just the best game I've ever... played.

Darling, it's brilliant. It's really brilliant.

Hello?

Clinton? Is somebody there?

What's going on?

Hey, that's not fair.

Clinton, you can't do that!

Vittorio thought that Guido had picked him up and vice versa.

But he's not in port, and he hasn't slept in his bed.

Ah-hah. It's part of the game. It's a clue.

He hasn't filled in the scoreboard.

Maybe he's still romping around Dragonwyck.

Or perhaps lying in a box of Earth

with a stake through his heart.

- Oh. - Uh...

He seemed edgy last night.

The door was stuck.

Uh, the cassette wasn't loud enough and the--

- What door? - The confessional--

Hey! Loose lips sink ships.

Hey! Who cares about the game at this point?

I mean, something is flooey. Now, where is he?

Clinton?

Clinton?

Oh, that's funny.

Clinton?

Out! Just out!

Apparently, there is a God.

Do-- don't touch anything.

I won't.

It must have been the storm.

Loosened the stone.

Well, what do we do with the ladies?

Tell them to wait.

Oh, uh, shouldn't we notify the authorities?

On an island with two cafes and a weaver?

Something's wrong.

I hope you brought your fingerprint kit.

Oh.

I see Clinton finally got this door open,

breaking it in the process, as usual.

- Alice is sick. - Oh, dear.

We're going back.

Ah-ha!

What?

A vital clue?

Clinton didn't smoke cigarettes.

There's no seaplane.

The police will arrive late tonight

or early in the morning by craft.

It takes six to eight hours.

We will harbor here until.

Uh, good, good, good. Thank you very much, captain.

Well, I guess that means, uh, an inquest and reporters.

Yeah, you better get your left profile ready.

Oh, shut up, Christine.

They can't very well bury him at sea, can they?

No, there's too much pollution in the Mediterranean already.

Poor Clinton. It's such a shame.

It would have been such a big grosser for him.

"The Last of Sheila."

Hey, now, he's dead.

I mean, you sit around here and you talk about

some goddamn movie and he's dead...

Will you stop hawking that ice bucket?

I'm just gonna have my Bloody Mary straight up.

Uh, me, too. Bourbon.

Christine, listen, Clinton's misadventure is unfortunate,

but an accident is an accident, and a film is a film.

Has it occurred to anybody that this isn't the first accident?

Yesterday, the propeller, last night, the stone.

What do you mean?

Suppose the propeller wasn't an accident.

Suppose it was a mistake.

You mean someone was trying to kill Clinton?

Why should anyone want to kill Chris?

Yeah, we're not in Hollywood.

Oh, come off it, Tom.

Look, I assumed Clinton was swimming near the propeller.

I heard him yelling. Didn't you? Didn't we all?

What fantasies are you building?

Who did not solve the game last night?

Why did you say, "That's funny"

when we were standing outside the chapel?

Because it was locked when I left last night.

Then I want to know why was it unlocked this morning,

and why did Clinton put the sign out?

Because the game was over-

It was, but it shouldn't have been.

I had the homosexual card,

and the game should have gone on until I found him.

Exactly.

There were some interesting points in the chapel.

Interesting how? I mean, obviously, he was leaving.

The storm shook the place and the stone fell on him.

Not unless he was crawling.

Why would he be crawling?

Uh, the, the stone that fell

on Clinton's head came from the base of the column.

It was grooved.

The tops of the columns are shaped like acanthus leaves,

the bottoms are grooved-

Interesting point number one.

Then, uh, there was that piece of wood.

What's that?

I found it in the folds of Clinton's robe.

It's from the grille on the door to the priest's box.

Interesting point number two.

Um, um, I didn't see any grille on the priest's door.

Oh, right. You never found him, you said.

Now, what do you mean, he said?

There was a grille last night, but not this morning.

That grille was removed. Why? Where's the rest of it?

And what was this doing in the priest's box?

Clinton didn't smoke cigarettes.

Newport.

I'm not the only one who smokes Newports.

Come on. There are cartons all over the ship.

I'm smoking one.

Hey, what's the difference?

- Did you smoke in there? - No.

- You? - I never found him.

Of course. I forgot. Honey?

I don't know. I don't remember.

But surely not in the priest's box.

No, of course not.

Interesting point number three.

A cigarette nobody smoked.

See,

I don't think Clinton died near the pillar at all.

I think he died in the priest's box.

And not from a stone falling or otherwise.

So what do you think happened?

I think he was about to leave when somebody came in.

I'm not saying one of us.

Somebody came in, smashed through the grille--

With what, pray tell?

Mm, I don't know-

Maybe something he brought with him.

He or she.

The candle holder, perhaps.

Mm, crossed my mind.

- Maybe it was an accident. - Oh, maybe, maybe.

But at any rate, he decided to make it look like an accident.

See, I'm theorizing that he or she stood there for a moment

assessing the situation,

which would account for the cigarette.

Slipped the sign under the door

to be sure there wouldn't be any more interruptions.

Dragged Clinton over, placing him near the pillar,

smashed the stone down, thereby making his first mistake.

He assumed the stone was from the top of the column-

It wasn't. But then there was very little light.

Now, he had the problem of the wood.

- What problem? - Darling, darling.

He couldn't very well leave the grille broken.

He hoped, with the frame empty, it would go unnoticed-

Unfortunately, second mistake,

One piece had lodged in Clinton's robe.

The only thing left to do then was get rid

of the splintered pieces, probably into the sea.

And the game was over.

Hell, I think we can agree that none of us did it, can't we?

Well, I mean, who would?

I really mean, who wouldn't? But I mean, who really would?

Right. After all, we're not the only people around.

What about some of the weirdoes on this ship?

What about Vittorio?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

That's not what Tom has been saying.

Tom has been saying that one of us did it.

Or, uh, haven't you been listening?

- Now, hold it. - I don't care.

That's your problem.

Hold it, please. I'm sorry, I was only exploring.

I haven't accused anyone.

Yet.

Look, let me just get this out.

Five minutes, and then I'm gonna have five scotches

and take a long nap.

- You think you know who? - No. No.

Then stop telling us what you don't know

and tell us what you do.

Well, there is someone

who might clear this up for us.

- Who? - Clinton.

So help me God, if this is a hoax

and he comes, walks in through that door,

I'm gonna throw this cut glass ashtray

right in his face.

There's no hoax. Clinton's dead alright.

Just say what's on your mind.

- Okay. - May I have another?

I think it's tied up to the game

we've been playing this week.

Do you all have the cards

Clinton handed out on the first night?

Oh, we passed it.

I may have no idea where mine is.

Alright. Alright, I'll go and look for it.

Thanks.

I wonder what we're gonna feel like an hour from now.

When Tom's finished writing the scene,

I'll tell you what attitude to play.

I've done it before, you know?

I'm beginning to wish I hadn't started all this.

You could stop right now.

It's gonna be interesting.

Um, okay?

Oh, thank you.

Alright.

Now, if everyone will, uh, please put their cards,

if you'll pardon the expression, on the table.

Well, there's only five there. Where's the other one?

Tom?

Hm? I'll show mine in a minute.

Oh, well, I'd like to see it now.

Well, let's give him a chance, shall we?

Alright. Alright.

Now, we all knew about two of these secrets.

We've already played them.

"Shoplifter" and "Homosexual."

The others we're seeing for the first time.

"Ex-convict." "informer." "Child M..."

Oh. Excuse me. "Little Child Molester."

And mine.

So, this was Clinton's idea for a week of fun.

Him assigning us secrets, us discovering them.

And it was a good game.

But some of us began to suspect

there was more to it than met the eye.

That Clinton had not assigned these six secrets at random,

but that each player had been, at one time in his life,

guilty of one of them.

Oh, no.

Not guilty of the secret he was assigned.

Clinton was a far more elegant game player than that.

And he certainly didn't want us refusing to play

on the first night, which we well might have done

had we been assigned our own secrets.

So it was more than a game.

It was a private joke.

What does your card say?

In a minute.

A man is dead.

Evidence indicates that it's murder.

And we've discovered the murdered man

was playing a sadistic game with his guests.

A game whose central theme was six hidden shreds from the past.

Any questions?

Yeah, but you see that he, he knew that I never meant to--

- Christine, wait. Wait. - That's bullshit!

I mean, nobody would have knocked Clinton's brains in

because of some stupid secret.

I agree.

Look at these cards. Enough to make us squirm. Sure.

Enough to remind us of just how nasty Clinton could be. Sure.

But enough to kill him?

No.

Do let's see your card, old boy.

"Hit-And-Run Killer."

- What is this, a joke? - No.

Clinton always took his games seriously.

He wouldn't have spoiled this with a joke.

It seems clear enough he believed one of us

guilty of a hit-and-run killing.

Sheila.

The game was to be Clinton's revenge.

On?

The person whom he thought

but couldn't prove to be guilty of Sheila's death.

On the last night, Saturday, my turn,

he was gonna pull the plug on that person.

How do you know?

He told me yesterday

when he gave me the pill for my back.

Ah.

Okay, everybody. What are you waiting for?

Let's all get up and run around in a circle.

I mean, this is musical chairs, isn't it?

Isn't that what this is... musical chairs?

In Tom's mind, anyway.

Right, it's just one of Tom's damn fantasies.

But you're all still here.

Okay...

I'll start.

Uh...

I had a thing with Clinton.

It wasn't much more than me feeling sorry for him.

It, uh, didn't last long.

And it's in the past now.

More than ever, right now.

Uh, Tom, a-- am I just being slow?

Are you saying, are you claiming that

homosexual card, meaning you're in the clear?

Because I don't know about the rest of you.

And I'm in no position

to challenge your little story,

charming as it was.

But then it's equally true that Clinton could've

come up with some dirty half-truths about you,

you, you, or any of us.

I mean, what gives you the right,

the exclusive right to that card?

Fair enough.

I just looked at the cards and saw only one that applied to me.

Of course, if the same is true of you, Anthony,

then that's another story.

And it may mean that Clinton's game is invalid.

Well?

W-- What are you saying?

Now, are you trying to say I'm a homosexual now?

No, listen. Nobody says you're anything.

I just looked at the cards and said I was the homosexual.

That's all.

But that was in the past.

They're all in the past.

Anybody want to say anything?

I mean, if ever there was an "unofficial investigation,"

this is it, right?

Or should I tell you that Lee and I once heard rumors

about a shoplifting incident concerning somebody

in this room?

Okay.

Thanks.

"Shoplifter." That's me.

It's the only one.

I stole a coat. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Don't look so shocked, Anthony.

I'll swipe you some ID bracelets

and you'll forget all about it.

Alright. Well.

Me for the five scotches.

- Tom, if I may? - Sure.

That leaves the other four of us somewhat dangling,

wouldn't you say?

Mm-mm. Hello.

Well, what can I say? I was a, I was a secretary.

And I was just too eager.

So I dropped a few names

to the House Un-American Activities Committee.

Then those people didn't work for a while. Now they work.

Sometimes I try and get them work.

Sometimes I see them on the street,

and sometimes they cross the street.

So what?

There is one thing that confuses me.

Shoot.

I'm just pursuing a thought,

you understand?

But as I see it, the logical person

to have killed Clinton is you, because--

- Because... - No, sorry. Please go ahead.

No, no, no, no. No. No, go ahead.

- I need some ice. - That's right.

Because no one else felt so threatened.

You were the only one...

Who knew about the hit-and-run killer card.

I was the only one meant to know about it.

Remember, Clinton would never have given that card

to the person he thought to be the killer.

Actually, I was horrified when I saw the card.

I spoke to Clinton about it. He laughed.

Said he just made up a lot of melodramatic secrets.

But I'm guessing the killer overheard our conversation

and understood Clinton's real motive.

Oh, you're cold, Tom.

You think it's me, don't you?

Your wife was 100 miles away

and your sophisticated director friend here

seems cool enough, but I'm a little nervous.

Besides, you dislike me too much.

I have no reason to dislike you.

I feel it, though.

Anthony, I don't think this is the moment.

I think it's the moment. My moment. Time for my theory.

Now, today, we saw all the cards for the first time.

Now, it didn't take us long to find the truth in three of them.

Oh, and your mind worked fast.

I could almost hear it ticking over

as you quickly labeled Lee the ex-convict,

arrested in some anti-war rally.

Sentence suspended sort of thing.

And Philip here?

Oh, he can kid his way along with some

witty child molester jokes.

And that leaves me.

Well, I've done time.

I've been in prison twice, for assault.

And I can prove it.

Can anyone else here make that particular claim?

Disappointed, Tom?

Actually, I was arrested, um, some years ago-

- Oh, no. No, no. - I was. I was arrested.

No. No, no, luv. Not just arrested.

You see that card? "Arrested" is quite different.

Well...

As a matter of fact, I...

At this point, I don't think

we can go any further.

What?

What I mean is, we've established

what we set out to prove.

What is this?

I mean, we can't, uh, we can't, uh...

We all agreed to this.

We can't draw any ironclad conclusions.

It's all theoretical.

Oh, well, that's just fine. It's theoretical.

But, I mean, it's hardly fair to stop now, is it?

Is it, Philip? Mm?

I mean, uh, you want to choose from, uh, what's left?

Now, we've got, uh...

dented fenders, or...

how about a little petting in the playground?

Stop, everybody, please.

By which I just mean, let me get this over with.

- Honey-- - I was drunk.

I was too drunk to drive.

No, Tom, stay there, please.

I, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you.

I know you would've helped me do the right thing,

but I just couldn't.

I drove down the coast to the party.

I overshot the driveway. My car skidded.

I didn't even see her. I panicked.

So I turned around and I drove

all the way back to Santa Barbara.

The next morning I wrote that silly note

about having to visit my school friend.

And I took the car and I drove as far away as I could.

Las Vegas.

I traded cars at the car rental place,

and then that afternoon I drove home.

And I thought I was safe.

Until the game.

It was things that you said, Tom.

I started to think, and then...

I was the one who looked at the card.

I know the point of the game.

I think it's vicious and I'd like you to stop it.

Oh, go away.

Why did you wait so long?

I only found out last week.

Harry's Rent-A-Car, Las Vegas.

- Remember? - It was--

I happened to meet Harry.

It was an accident. It was only an accident.

I swear, Clinton, I'm sorry. Well, I didn't...

He said he hoped you weren't still worried

about the damage to the car.

I couldn't get control. I was drinking!

The police never checked on out-of-state cars.

Please don't tell them. Please. Clinton!

Shh! You want to let the whole world know?

See, that's what gave me the idea for the game.

Because the harder you try to keep a secret in,

the more it wants to get out.

- See you Saturday. - No!

Clinton! Clinton!

Please! Please!

S-- Son of a bitch!

Clinton? Is somebody there?

What's going on?

Darling.

You're so smart.

You didn't think it could be me.

He kept whispering. He kept taunting me over and over again.

Darling, he was so mean.

Lee, Lee, you don't have...

I just, I-- I-- I would like to go downstairs

and make a clean exit... by myself.

Okay?

Don't worry, everybody, I'm okay.

Okay.

Sorry, Tom, but that "clean exit" line bothers me.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Lee! Lee!

Lee, open up.

Goddamn it, Lee, unlock this door or I'll break it down!

Mmm.

I like you, but go away.

I want a nap.

Then-- then we'll talk about all kinds of stuff.

I'm okay. I swear to God, I'm okay.

Alright, darling, if you say so.

I'll come back in a little while.

Okay?

Is she alright?

The door is locked, but she talked to me and...

she just wants to be alone.

I'm...

I'm so...

It just never occurred to me.

You thought it was Anthony.

I don't even know what I thought.

- I'm sorry. - Oh, don't be, Tom.

You got other things on your mind.

Well, what do you think?

Think there's anything we can do to help?

Let me know what you come up with.

Oh, my God, what a sick business this is!

Are you alright?

I am not.

I am in a deep state of shock.

Anthony just told me the deal

that Alice's ex-agents made for her on the Douglas picture

and I will never get over it. Would you like some cake?

- Yes, please. - How's Tom?

He says he doesn't want anything to eat.

- What about Lee? - Not a sound.

He's been down half a dozen times already.

Well, she's probably passed out.

Yeah, I never knew she was a boozer.

- In and out. - Oh, she was AA for a while.

Still locked.

She doesn't answer.

The captain must have a master key.

- I got it. - Oh.

Shall I wake her? I don't know.

- You want me to go with you? - No, thank you.

Lee.

Lee darling?

You know, when I saw her in that chapel,

murder was scrawled all over her face.

My God, when I write my autobiography,

that line is gonna need a little help.

Well, I felt undercurrents all evening.

Oh, now you felt undercurrents.

Well, you know, I knew it.

I mean, something told me it was gonna be

a bummer in there.

You know, that door creaked open

even before I touched it.

You know and then Clinton getting so physical,

and that awful, faraway look in his eye.

Tom.

Lee?

Lee?

Lee?

Who is it?

- I'm sorry. - Oh.

Oh, that's okay.

Have you met my fiancé?

Have you seen Lee?

No, uh-huh. Why, is anything wrong?

Tom.

- Mm. - Tom.

What?

Lee is not in her cabin.

Where is she?

She's not in your room, she's not with Christine,

and Alice and Anthony are asleep.

Now what do we do?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Where's the captain?

How old do you think she was?

Don't think about it.

Thirty-five? Thirty-seven?

I hope you're around if I die.

- Wait a minute. - I don't like getting morbid.

I sure hope someone's around.

Is it terrible, just terrible to wonder

if you can get a good hairdresser in this town?

Oh, Christine, you don't really need all that

for one night ashore.

Listen, I've always dreamed of being interrogated

in some cellar by some slob with steel teeth

and I wanna look terrific tomorrow.

Hey, listen. Must be a taxi strike.

I mean, if we don't get to the Majestic,

they'll give our rooms away.

I'll be right back, okay?

Besides which, Guido said he'd take me dancing

tonight if I'd pay the check. Isn't he cute?

I... can't tell you how sorry I am.

I know. Are you free later?

Listen, darling, uh...

thanks for not letting on about, you know, us yesterday.

Oh, well, I thought--

There was enough flak in the air, right?

Well, there was.

Look... why don't we cool it for a while,

aside from the bad press angle?

Let's be honest with each other.

Somehow, your being available

and my not being, it's not the same.

You'll always be the world's most attractive man.

God, what a thought I just got.

Namely?

If you get married again, give me a call.

Isn't that awful?

See you tomorrow.

Goodbyes after an ocean voyage are always so sad.

Whose fault is all this?

Clinton's? Lee's?

Mine?

Or Sheila, for being a tough broad who liked to wander

around Bel Air at 2:00 in the morning?

Does that make any sense?

Nothing makes any sense.

Something Clinton said

keeps rattling around in the back of my head,

if I could remember it.

You'll be at the Majestic?

My invitation was for a week on the yacht.

I didn't bring any pocket money.

I'll see you tomorrow, I guess.

- Anthony? - It's Tom.

What's going on here?

Jesus, are you waiting for the other members

of your coven or what?

I've been calling your hotel.

Something's not at all right.

What are you doing?

I'm experimenting.

Look at this cigarette.

It's the original stub.

It's what I went down to ask Lee about last night.

Later, I dismissed it from my mind as a whim.

But tonight...

It's the shape.

Mm. That bothered me, too.

Stamp it out.

Aha.

Now...

Try this one.

Quickly, just once.

Uh-huh.

No, let it burn out.

You see, if it's dark and it's awkward for you...

you may stamp on the filter instead of the lit end.

If you only have one shot at it.

As Clinton did.

Clinton?

It was in the box where he was killed, after all.

- Bear with me, please. - What--

Now, remember, we both thought this came from the priest's box.

It doesn't. That wood was carved.

This is plain.

It's from the side grille.

How did it find its way into Clinton's robe?

Someone broke the grille.

Ah!

You're saying, who?

Could we be shy one actor in the piece?

Meaning someone who saw the whole thing.

Now, none of it would seem quite so sinister...

if it weren't for this.

We found Lee in Clinton's stateroom.

But her cabin was locked from the outside.

What could she have locked it with?

The only key to the cabins was in the wheelhouse.

Mmm, well, she probably went into the john

and out through my cabin.

No, because your door

to the bathroom was bolted from the inside.

I had to unbolt it myself.

There's got to be some explanation.

The point is that anybody could have taken the key last night.

Then again...

maybe Clinton broke the grille, nobody else was there...

and I'm just puttering my way

through the debris of my rusty imagination.

Tom.

Mmm.

He kept whispering.

Where's the ice pick?

And then that awful, faraway look in his eye.

What?

I said, where's the bloody ice pick?

I don't know. It was...

It's been missing since yesterday afternoon.

Tom.

The back of Clinton's cowl was stained with blood.

Of course.

You can't strike a man in the face

and the back of the neck with the same blow.

Meaning that Lee only thought that she killed Clinton.

Did the police examine the body?

No, what was the point of it? W-- w-- why bother?

She confessed. Thomas, we've lost our touch.

A good director and a good detective

ought to pay more attention to detail.

Now, allow me, please. This is the director's cut.

The important moment happened

before Lee came into the chapel.

Whoever it was lit a cigarette

and-- and dropped it through the grille.

Hey.

And then, as-- as Clinton leaned forward to stamp it out

stabbed him in the back of his neck with the ice pick.

Then, I assume, he started to leave the field, but...

Just give us the news, please.

...the timing was unlucky because Christine entered.

Now, Christine was sitting there last night

chattering about the game.

That door creaking open even before I got to it

and then Clinton getting so physical.

Tom, the door was... open when I came into the chapel.

Me, too. He wanted it to stay open

so everybody could hear the tape.

Exactly.

So who closed it? Why did it creak open

when Christine came towards it?

Because he was trying to get out.

Yes.

He was compelled to... improvise.

He impersonated Clinton.

But the grille that he had smashed

meant that he couldn't let her into the left side-

So he forced open the door at the opposite end.

Now... he might have hoped to make a run for it

but the, but the sprung door meant that Christine

would have a clear view of anyone

trying to sneak out of the chapel.

I happened to notice that when we discovered the body.

Small wonder that Clinton had that,

"An awful, faraway look in his eye."

Shh.

Then Alice has the homosexual card.

Just keep your voice down and get the hell out.

Now...

the moment Christine left,

he intended to duck out as soon as he possibly could

but the timing was still unlucky because somebody else came in,

Lee-

Now, she wasn't going to go until

she'd had her showdown with Clinton.

So he... he drove her into a state of hysteria,

convinced that she'd panic and run.

Now, this is taking an awful chance

because she could have raised her voice enough

to draw attention.

But luck was on the murderer's side

because Lee presented him with the best possible solution.

She exploded.

She killed a dead man.

And needlessly committed suicide.

Somebody killed my wife.

Not Christine.

Um...

Alice? Anthony.

Oh, my God.

Tom, what are you gonna do?

Hold on, I'll be right back.

I like any game where you don't have to move.

Well, you don't have to for this one.

If you're smart enough.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't throw it away.

Keep them till Saturday.

Just as long as you're fit for

Saturday night, which is your biggie.

- Saturday? - Yeah.

Mm, she was AA for a while.

If you're smart enough.

She was AA for a while.

What did you find?

The beginnings of an idea.

Uh-hmm.

You seem pleased with yourself.

I've had the beginnings of an idea, too, for a scenario.

It's about a middle-class writer who is married

to a beautiful and wealthy young woman.

Is this an original or an adaptation?

After a few years, she begins to bore him.

Not her money, she herself.

And then, while rewriting a picture in Rome,

he renews his acquaintance with a cheap

but... not untalented young actress.

Aren't we getting a little off the subject?

I told you something had been nagging me.

Something Clinton had said or done.

He said we didn't have to move to play the game

if we were smart enough.

And just now...

I noticed this.

I thought he was being unusually finicky

when he was lining us up.

See anything odd?

What's odd?

Everybody's being posed under a letter.

So?

Now have a look at these secret cards.

There's something peculiar about one of them.

Come, come, Tom, where's that puzzle mind?

"Little Child Molester."

"Little Child Molester?"

As opposed to what, Big Child Molester?

I still don't get it.

The word "little." What's it doing there?

Alright.

The first night, the "Shoplifter."

The second night, the "Homosexual."

Now, we don't know which the third was to be,

but Clinton told you that the "Hit-and-run killer"

was to be last. So let's try the "Ex-convict" next.

And then, just for fun, "informer."

"Sheila."

Clinton needed "little" to give him the "L."

God knows he could have found six other secrets for us

but he wanted to make a game for himself, too.

How to find six secrets that formed an appropriate acronym.

The "L" was his only problem.

Clever son of a bitch.

Cleverer than that.

This photograph...

showing the six of us...

carefully posed under each of the initial letters

of our assigned secrets.

Something in plain view the whole week.

Something he could lord over us...

Sunday morning.

"Shoplifter, Homosexual, Ex-convict...

Informer, Little Child Molester.

Hit-and-run Killer?"

The last of "Sheila" should be an "A."

"Hit-and-run" doesn't begin with an "A," does it, Tom?

It's a mistake.

Not Clinton's.

I remember something else about the first day.

You started to crumple your card.

This one is smooth.

That was dumb, Tom.

What was your original card?

Alright, let me make an educated guess.

Something about Lee. Arsonist?

No, that doesn't sound like Lee.

Adulterer? No, that's you.

A, A, Alcoholic?

That's the secret.

Like the others, not too heavy, not too light.

After all, Clinton was only a minor-league sadist.

His aim was to make us uncomfortable, not violent.

As he kept saying, it was only a game.

You made it more than that. You killed him.

Why should I wanna kill Lee?

Alice.

Lee's estate must be worth about... three million?

Five.

You'd always known she'd killed Sheila, hadn't you?

Sure.

I knew it the day I got my statement

from Harry's Rent-A-Car.

Dented fenders, Vegas.

I didn't have to be a genius to put two and two together.

Fade in. Exterior.

Day. The yacht, the game.

You get the "Alcoholic" card

and realize what Clinton is up to.

Not until Alice so generously told me her leopard coat story.

That late?

At any rate...

selecting the ice pick.

A classic woman's weapon.

When did you take it, I wonder?

Private finance is not that uncommon now.

Hmm. Can you imagine how Tom would feel about that?

You skipped down to expunge Clinton.

Typed up a new card that would incriminate Lee

and toddle off to sleep soundly

to await the alarms of the morning.

Ah...

I should've recognized the hatred

on your face outside Clinton's door.

Was that to have been the moment of truth?

Alas, Clinton and Christine were having

their own moment of truth.

Dissolve.

The next day, you did substitute the cards

and arranged for Lee to see the wrong one

making her think Clinton had sadistic plans to expose her.

The stage was set.

Subsequent investigation of the cards would now

point to Lee as the only person

with a motive strong enough for murder.

Would you care to explain how I started

the propellers with Guido in the room?

No.

That was my contribution.

You wanted Clinton dead, too.

You see, I'd helped Alice

out of her little unpleasantness,

Io those many years ago.

So when we began playing the game,

looking for a shoplifter...

I knew some ugly truths would be trotted out.

Not in the least mine.

I wanted it stopped.

As you pointed out so astutely yesterday, I blundered

but it gave you courage to carry on.

What do you think?

Am I gonna get away with it?

You pretended your back was hurting

to coax Clinton into revealing...

what day your secret would be played.

Just as long as you're ready for Saturday night,

which is your biggie.

It was only Tuesday. Four days' grace.

Clinton's choice of a location was a gift.

But you had to...

...make sure that you found him before Lee

confronted him with the false card.

So you followed me because I'd

been boastful enough to hint

that I'd figured out the clue.

After my session, you came in

and proceeded to play Clinton's game as well as your own.

Maybe if I open the door

to the chapel a little wider?

Hey, what the hell?

Then you put on your little ventriloquist act

for... Christine and Lee.

I should've realized. We'd all seen you impersonate Clinton.

Gang, going over your hand signals

for the bridge tournament? Ha-ha-ha.

How'd I feel about what?

You know too much to live.

How convenient for you that Lee...

exploded.

But how inconvenient for you that she thought quickly

and... arranged everything to look like an accident.

You must have been furious. So you...

rearranged everything to look like a murder

that looked like an accident.

She had picked up the right stone.

You replaced it with the wrong one.

I'll bet that other stone, stained with blood,

is still in the corner.

As well as the cigarette that...

Lee actually smoked.

But, no matter, you knew that the next day

when you conducted your brilliant investigation,

Lee would naturally assume that she had

made the mistake. And it was brilliant.

What better detective than the man who's committed the crime?

Every hesitant conclusion, every stumbling interpretation.

And when you suddenly panicked, protecting your wife

it was dazzling, dear boy.

It's after 12:00 already.

Is it?

Well, good. That gives us plenty of time.

Because the entire crew is happily celebrating

the death of their master in the port.

Aren't we lucky?

I think so.

If you're thinking of setting up for

another fake suicide sequence,

I must warn you of the dangers of improvisation.

This last exploit had far too many loose ends

even though you had four days to prepare it.

You'd even planned for the obligatory confession scene

the morning after the murder.

You knew that she would need some fortification

when you started turning the screws.

You felt you were safe

because no one else on-board drank bourbon.

Which, incidentally, you don't pour out of a porthole

and then toss the bottle overboard.

You pour it down a drain.

Unless there's something else you're anxious

to get rid of like seconal.

I don't have any gloves.

Oh.

Hey, you guys, knock it off!

Knock, you--

Jesus Christ, look at this place!

Oh!

Actually, we've been having

a little difference of opinion.

Yeah, well, we've all gotten little squirrelly on this trip,

but don't you think you're carrying it a little too far?

About the "Last of Sheila" project.

But it's all straightened out now.

What are you doing on board?

I'm trying to sleep.

Well, not exactly.

Well, Guido took over for Vittorio

and asked me to keep him company.

So we went into Clinton's room to listen to the stereo

and instead of getting mood music,

we get you two guys yakking on the intercom.

I mean... dictate it tomorrow

when you can get a secretary, you know.

He killed her, she killed him.

Oh, that's a good idea but, uh,

we're agreed on the basics, wouldn't you say, Tom?

Uh, now that the truths are known,

we've begun to see this as a big, big project.

There are gigantic themes here, worthy of Dostoyevsky.

There's innocence...

guilt...

hatred...

loyalty.

Lee's ambitions for Tom were such that we, as survivors,

feel bound to tell Sheila's story

in all its pitiless purity, sparing nothing.

Big budget, huh?

I feel five million should cover it.

Well, Alice's price just went up.

Tom, nobody can write it better than you. Who handles you again?

Oh, well, actually..

I'm keen on having the first draft

done by a complete outsider.

Someone who will bring a naivety

to our little inbred circle.

Of course, Tom will be needed as technical advisor.

And just before shooting, for a few...

Rewrites.

Rewrites, exactly.

Well, I think I'll turn in.

I'm almost dead on my feet.

So much to do tomorrow.

And still a few pages to type tonight.

Sealed letter to my solicitor.

Protecting the copyright sort of thing.

In these perilous times, one can't be too careful.

- Coming, Christine? - Mm.

Honey, let me hit you with a couple names.

Yul Brynner as Clinton. Paul and Joanne as Tom and Lee.

I don't know, I hope it's got enough content for them.

Who have I got for Alice? Oh, I know, Carly Simon!

I mean, the soundtrack album alone will pay for her clothes.

Now, now, don't scream.

Virna Lisi.

No, darling, as me!