Original subtitles

Hey,

you okay? You need a ride?

Oh, okay.

And I don't have work today since I quit my meaningless job.

So let's go ahead and make those bottomless. The nachos? Yeah.

So cool. I've never even been on a double date, and I'm on a triple?

Actually, we're not really feeling this, right? Yeah.

Gave it a shot. Okay. Bye.

But we're watching Survivor next week if you want to come. Hey, I got to run to

the bathroom.

Order me pancakes?

Sure.

So? Isn't he great? We're sort of a couple now.

And how...

Are you a couple? Okay, yes. I know it's not ideal, since he's in character as

an 18 -year -old virgin, so we haven't been able to have sex yet.

But his show wraps today, so then we will get to have sex. And technically,

meet. And it's cool dating an actor. We just, like, get each other, you know?

Totally. And same. Lance and I are so well -matched now that we've both left

industry. We were always well -matched, B. Yeah, and he pushes me, too, in my

career. Like, this morning, I shot a self -tape for this big period drama.

then tonight, I have a director's session with Wes Anderson on Zoom. What?

then another Zoom audition after that. So we're sort of like a Hollywood power

couple. Oh.

Hey,

I missed you.

Wait.

Wait, so Curtis, how's the game in it? I still watch it every day. You got mad

charisma, bro. You should be on TV.

Thank you. Yeah, really. You're, like, better than I was. All right, shut up.

That's nice. I'm trying. I just don't have reps right now, so I have to troll

Actors Access for auditions, which is... Wait,

Mom? Yes?

Can I eat this?

Wait, where is your security detail? Oh, I don't eat all that for a simple

brunch with my kids.

They'd have to get clearances, sweep the place. I didn't want to bother them. So

they don't know you're here?

No, I escaped in the night, Carrie.

That's fully insane.

Yeah, and I didn't realize how long it would take to walk to Manhattan.

But it's worth it to be with my kids.

Wait. Oh, my god.

Hot dude back.

Oh, my god.

Sorry. Sorry. That's a terrible family brunch. My god.

There she is. Move away. Step back, please.

Ma 'am, ma 'am, you cannot sneak out on us. What? I didn't.

I'm sorry for sneaking out, Frank. It won't happen again,

I promise.

It's all good, ma 'am. Thank you.

Anyway, how have you been? How's your mom's cancer?

Not good.

Stage four.

She's in the hospital on Long Island.

What? Well, yeah, I just said that you... Nice, though. And you grew up on

Island, right, Frank?

What is your favorite, longest story about growing up on Long Island?

Oh, wow.

That's so funny, Frank.

Pat's on the move. Frank.

I guess we can take the baby off the list.

Deal with what? What did he do?

Oh, just some industry gossip.

You're no longer in the industry, so it doesn't feel right telling you.

Oh, that's totally fine.

And actually, it's why I'm here, to say my goodbyes. As you may have heard, I

have left the industry to start doing good.

Well, not today. Today is Friday. But Monday, I do good. And honestly, I feel

sad for all of you still here just piddling away at this.

pointless job.

So I have a challenge.

Join me.

Leave this behind and choose a life of meaning, of goodness, a life where we

make a difference together.

So who's with me?

You know what?

I am.

Julie, I quit.

Okay, is that it? Is it just Trish?

You know what? It's probably not worth it if it's just us two. So, Trish, you

can say. Well, I don't want her now. She just quit.

Trish, you're fired.

Oh, Trish.

Well, my work here is done.

So I am off to help the world.

Minus Trish, whose life I did just ruin.

So, goodbye all, and not to be rude, but there is not one single thing I'm going

to miss about the industry.

Okay, next order of business tonight, big huge party.

Oh, party? Party? Damn it. Be not afraid, as long as there is air in my

I will tell you a story.

You shan't have died in vain.

Wow, this is incredible.

Oh, I'm sorry, Carrie, I'm not in the office this week. Can you hear me okay?

Yep, and that's great. I'm so glad you liked it. Loved it. I really believed

were a 16th century knight.

Unfortunately, I can't send this to the producers.

Uh, but that's who I did it for. It's just I know for a fact they picture this

role with long hair.

Oh, well, I just assumed I would grow my hair out if I got the part.

And I'm with you, Carrie, but these people are dumb.

If they don't see. long hair, they can't picture it. So if it's between you and

someone with long hair, nine times out of ten, they're going with long hair.

Luckily, with self -tapes, it's easy to keep making adjustments. So I say just

go out, buy a wig, style the wig, apply the wig, redo the tape, and then I think

we should be good.

Okay. Uh, sure.

Yes. That sounds, uh...

Very easy. Okay, so tonight's party is in the Hamptons.

Ellen has thrown herself a big birthday bash and has agreed not to go so people

can enjoy it. Aww.

That's nice of her. Literally everyone is invited, as long as they're in the

industry.

And we can't put this off any longer, so Chase will be using this party to debut

his shitty little rat look.

What? I know, but now that he's 18, he legally has to look like a gross, shitty

little rat for at least one event.

And I need someone to go with him. You know, I could be back in the industry

just for tonight if you need someone to take him. But then tomorrow, I am back

out. But that's okay.

I'm having streeters up.

Wait, what?

I get to go to the parties now?

Woo!

In your face, Brooke.

Okay, that's totally fine. I'll just stay out then.

Like I wanted.

Just, you know, trying to help. Oh, don't look for employees. If you want to

look for one, you'll need to buy one at the store.

The store?

Be not afraid.

As long as there is air in my lungs, I will tell you a story.

You shan't have died in vain.

Carrie, yes.

This performance is incredible. It's even better than your last performance.

great. So we can send that one off. I'm worried.

The hair's now too long.

Also, I'm just noticing all this green behind you.

The green screen?

Well, I know it's a green screen, Carrie. But these people, they're going

think you're on some kind of slime planet. And I know for a fact they don't

slime planet. Be not afraid.

As long as there's air in my lungs, I will tell your story.

You shan't have died in vain. Oh, there you are. Hi, Carrie.

Mom, what are you doing here? Oh, well, I just thought I'd come hang with you at

your apartment. No biggie. Did you sneak away from your security detail again?

Oh, can you just let me in real quick?

Okay, the hair is now great, Carrie, but obviously I can't send this one in.

Yeah, sorry, I forgot to edit out the part where my mom showed up. No, she's

fun. They'll love that.

The problem is the background.

The what? You're supposed to be in the 1500s. These people are going to see a

fridge and lose their minds. So does your apartment have any gothic arches

could feature?

Sorry, does my apartment have gothic arches? Also, your shirt, Carrie.

Knights tended to wear more armor.

Hey guys,

welcome. Don't worry, she's not here.

We're together.

And the same age.

Hi, can I get a...

Yes, I could keep holding. How was my weekend?

Fine.

It was fine. I had a fine weekend.

Look at that loser.

Been there, but not today. Today I get to actually enjoy the party and not

the whole time working.

Okay, rude.

But makes sense. All industry people are.

Ooh.

Hello?

God.

Fucking agents. It's just, what if Ellen shows up?

Don't worry. She's in LA.

Don't worry. She's in LA.

I just said that.

Come on. I know I'm not in the industry anymore, but it's not like you can't see

me.

Wait, can people literally not see me?

Take a second to really look at this altar.

Isn't it quite an altar?

Now, as a needless digression, a folly really, turn around and look at the

doorway you just walked into.

Walk up to the knight on the right, not the one on the left. Look at the one on

the right. Oh, God.

Are they coming back?

No, no, no. Really get close to the helmet. If you get close enough... You

see your breath fog up the steel.

Call from Mackenzie. Do you want to answer?

Yes. Carrie, this last take was flawless.

Where did you find that suit of armor?

My closet.

Well, this should absolutely get you the part.

Unfortunately, they went with Dylan O 'Brien.

What?

Yeah, they decided they wanted a name. So annoying when they do that. But at

least you didn't need to leave your apartment.

Self tapes really are so much easier.

Anyway, don't forget you're Zooming with Wes Anderson in 45.

All right.

I'm truly sorry for sneaking out again.

Here, I made you some tea. Thank you, ma 'am. Very nice.

And we know you wanted to go to Ellen's tonight, especially since she's not

going to be there, but we assessed some high -level threats and think it's

safest not to go. Oh, I totally understand.

I'm happy to hang here.

Anyway, enjoy your tea, guys.

Hats on the move.

God, I know.

He is such an asshole.

Who? Who's an asshole?

Hey, guess what?

A bunch of people are about to take out one of Ellen's speedboats.

Anyone want to go?

Sure. I do.

Okay. One, two, three, four, five.

Yes. We should all fit. Come on.

What? That is the craziest thing I've ever heard. I can't believe DaBaby did

that. He better hope that doesn't come out. Hope what doesn't come out?

What did DaBaby do?

Hello?

Hello?

Wait, I think I hear something.

Nope, never mind.

How spooky.

Hey, so sorry I'm late. Oh, hey. No, that is 100 % fine. This is low -key.

just wants to chat with a few people he's circling for the role.

Awesome. I have never been circled for anything, so this is really cool. Great.

Well, why don't you just hang here in the waiting room until Wes is ready?

Oh, and when Wes comes on, make sure you are perfectly centered in the frame.

Okay? Okay.

Thanks.

Yeah, I can hear you.

Dylan O 'Brien?

What's up? Nice to meet you, man. You too.

You auditioned for Ambassador Belgium too?

Yeah. It's a small part, though.

I thought I had a shot, but I guess I do not.

I can't even fucking believe I still got to audition.

I'm a fucking maze runner, bro.

Yes, I'm a big fan.

But I think I'm actually going to go.

You reek.

Sorry. I reek. You know how long this is going to be?

I think I'm going to take a little shower because I don't smoke very much.

Daddy, don't do good on a stinky audition, you know what I'm saying?

Yes. I'm just going to leave this right here.

You mind letting me know if they come in? I'm just going to turn my camera

Okay, sure, yeah.

Camera.

Wait, can you see me?

Of course.

Hey, I'm Doug.

Oh, hi.

No one can see me either.

My cousin who brought me, he works at WME, but I'm just an immigration lawyer.

So the only people who can see me are... Oh, this is Betsy. Her husband's a

producer for Drew Barrymore, and she's a social worker for teens.

Do either of you know what happened with DaBaby?

Who's the baby?

Oh, Natalie, over here. Brooke, you gotta meet Natalie. She's a translator

speaks five languages.

Okay, yes.

Someone hot.

I mean, hi.

God, it is so fucked up that people can't see any of us because we're not in

industry.

Anyway, I'm Brooke.

Yeah, no, we've met before. I was at the Night Nurse premiere.

We actually sat really close to each other.

Sorry. Sorry, excuse me. Sorry.

Hi, everyone.

My fiance is about to sit down.

So,

right on you.

That's okay. You were in a different place then. But now that you left the

industry behind, I'm sure you can probably see how it makes people a

crazy.

Oh.

Truly, thank you for this.

You would think seeing him naked would be a letdown, but it is better.

And remember, when he gets out, you have to log off fast, okay? Promise?

Yes. No, no, no. You won't even know I was here.

I can't find the button. I can't find the button. Just hit the X.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Camera on.

Yo, what's up? Did I miss anything?

No, no. Just sitting here waiting.

So you could actually pop back in that shower if you wanted. Hey, guys. Thank

you so much for waiting, but unfortunately, Wes has decided to go

Clooney. It's nothing against the two of you. He just wanted a huge name. Yeah.

So annoying, right?

Okay. Take care. Bye.

Wow. Fucking Clooney.

Every time.

Well, good luck with everything, man. I'm going to take a long, hard piss.

All right.

Camera off.

What

the...

Hello?

Is someone there?

Shit. Help!

I need help in here!

Help!

What's up? What's wrong? I will shower on.

Someone's writing something on the mirror.

Okay, no one freak out.

But I think Brooke Dubek is in this bathroom.

What? Right now?

Freaky, yes. She recently left the industry, but hasn't fully crossed over

That's being a fuck, Julie!

No cool people can see or hear me?

Brooke, if you're trying to contact us, we cannot see or hear you.

Okay, you know what? Here, anyone have any wine?

I used to be a 35 -year -old in the industry, but now I'm just a 35 -year

person?

Quick cue before we start. You guys, uh, you don't want a name for this one, do

you? No, not at all. This is a sitcom pilot for Paramount +, so we're seeing

tons of no -names. Great, great.

And, uh, one more thing.

All the sides I got were for a female character named Courtney?

Uh, yes. This role was a woman until yesterday, but now she's a gay man.

Oh, okay. Well, I didn't get any new pages.

Oh, there are none, but, uh, it still works.

Okay, I guess let's do it. Great.

Tegan and her BFF Courtney, 29, hot even with no makeup, get manicures. Okay,

girl. Dish. Hot date tonight?

Ha! Girl, I wish. Ever since my promotion, I haven't even had the energy

flirt with a guy. I guess us girls can't have it all.

Courtney, stop PMSing.

You'll find Mr. Right. When?

It's not like I'm going to find anyone at work except Rick, who spends all day

staring at my ass. God, men are such pigs.

You need a spa day. No, girl. I need a spa year.

Uh, yes. Wow. That was perfect.

That was so funny, Karen. Thank you. Thank you. We should actually have a

decision for you soon. Maybe the next few hours.

Whoa. Uh, great. Well, thank you so much. I just got to run to a party, but

yeah. No, thank you. We're such fans.

Ah. Thank you. Bye.

Bye.

Thank you so

much. Good to see you.

So, who's an asshole?

Oh, Channing Tatum's old makeup artist.

Yeah, fuck him or her. God!

This is so much better than talking to some girl who speaks five languages.

Oh, you were talking to Natalie.

She's my little sister.

Of course you know Natalie because of Lance.

Sorry, that Natalie girl knows Lance?

Well, yeah, I mean, she translates for a lot of his patients, so they always

hang at the hospital. They have this whole banter in Spanish. It's annoying.

I never know what they're talking about.

But you knew that, right?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I did. Sorry, I want to go say hi to her some more.

Well, good luck. I never can find her at these things.

All right. She is now invisible to me.

Thank you.

Carrie? Oh, thank God it's you.

It's not Ellen.

We're fine.

Oh, my God. Hey. Hey.

Um, I have the craziest news.

What? I just booked a role off of Actors Access.

What? Curtis, that...

That's incredible.

It's for this Paramount Plus pilot? I mean, it's kind of fucked up because the

role used to be a woman and they just changed it to a gay guy, but whatever.

The script's funny, they love me, and I got it.

Wow, that's incredible.

Really, that's so amazing.

I'm just going to run to the bathroom real quick.

Hey, babe.

Oh, hey. How are you?

Um, you're, uh, you're not in character anymore.

Hooray.

Hi. Sorry. I am, uh, I'm just having the worst day.

Oh, babe. First, I got passed over for all these roles because they're looking

for names, which sucks, but, like, I get it. They're above me, but now I just

got passed over for someone who is, uh, for Curtis, which is, which is great,

but he's been hosting.

I'm the one who's been, like, acting.

Oh, I'm sorry, babe.

That's exactly how I felt when my grandma and I lost our town's annual

decorating showdown last year. I'm sure he was good, but I thought I killed that

audition. That's hard. Which is why this year, my grandma and I are going to use

twice as many Christmas lights.

Wait, why do you keep talking about Christmas?

Or no, did you get cast in something else?

Shit! You booked a gay Christmas movie already?

And do we really need to be in character full time for that? Babe, you're

stressed out.

Let me go get you some eggnog.

Totally,

totally, totally. That's really fun.

I'll see you over there.

How pretty.

Gosh, this party's so nice. Yeah.

You know, my security team was worried about me coming to this, but why would I

need security at an industry party? There's no fans, no paparazzi. Yeah,

weird. Anyways, hi, I'm Zach Smith from CAA. I represent Priyanka Chopra.

I'd love to set you two up for a general, maybe find a show for her on P.

Pat, Tim Downey. I work with Laverne Cox.

I think she'd be a fantastic fit for P. Let me tell you why. Pat, you know who

you've got to meet. He's hilarious.

Frankie Grande.

Pat! You know who you would love?

Teresa Giudice's daughter. I really would love to get you down for a coffee

sometime.

We were just talking about the lack of proper education. Okay, I'm going to

assume that you were talking, but I cannot see you because whatever you're

saying is too boring.

So I need you to say something really cool so it pushes its way through to my

realm. Are you related to anyone famous?

No.

Okay, I still can't see you, so I'm going to assume that's a no.

Have you ever worked in the industry?

Uh, I was once an extra on Smallville.

Yes, I see a hand. What else, Natalie?

What else could make me see you as a person? I dated Topher Grace for three

weeks.

Okay, what the hell? I didn't get that when I became visible.

Anyway, I just wanted to say sorry again for not seeing you at night, nurse.

And also for forgetting that you're Lance's friend.

That's okay.

I'm just glad that you two are talking again. He was so upset.

He...

talk to you about me? Yeah. I mean, we're pretty close, and we're both in

business of helping people, so we just kind of get each other, you know?

Uh -huh.

Sorry, I'm being rude. This is my friend Julia.

Uh, Julia, tell Brooke what you learned senior year of spring break of college.

That Emile Hirsch's dick is wonk?

Okay, wow. You are even hotter.

Julia also knows Lance from the hospital. Lance is such a great guy.

He's so good.

Okay, no.

No. No, I can't do any more of this.

Hey.

Hey.

You went out for Courtney, didn't you?

Oh, uh, yeah, yeah.

But it's really, it's fine. I'm happy for you.

Okay. I swear.

All right, well, if it makes you feel any better, I probably only got the role

because of my femme privilege.

I'm sorry, what?

Carrie, the role used to be a woman.

They changed not a single line. Who do you think's getting that part, you or

I mean, is it homophobic to say you?

No, and yes, but the answer is me.

Well, you're being very nice, but I'm sure you were just better.

Yeah, that too, that too. But they were clearly looking for an actor that

screamed gay, which is...

Deeply problematic for the world, but great for me. Because now I'm Courtney

Last Name.

Well, to Courtney No Last Name. All right, let's get some drinks. Let's have

fun. We're at Allentown.

So his name is Courtney, and it's the pilot for Paramount+. Wow, that's so

Curtis. Thank you, Chase Dream. Yeah, I'll have to, like, check it out when it

comes out. I mean, wow.

I know. We had a bunch of clients go in for that. Congrats, man.

Thank you. Oh, my God, you heard.

Cheers!

Bottoms up, my dudes!

So, it's Ashley Tinsdale, and it's on Paramount+. And that's all I know. And

that's all I need to know.

That's amazing.

It's fucking hard to get cast in anything these days. You should be so,

proud. Yeah, you should be. Oh, thanks, Karen. Think of the femme privilege.

Yeah, we were both up for the role, but Curtis got it.

Definitely because he was way better, but then...

Chris was also saying that, like, maybe he got it because he was more obviously

gay and networks kind of want that now.

So... Yeah.

Lucky me.

I'm more femme.

If you could tell. My agent calling.

Probably to tell me I did not get Courtney.

Fun! It's gonna be fun.

Where is she?

Oh!

Julie? Um, Julie, Julie, hi. I've been thinking, and I... Wait.

What is going on here?

Your mother snuck away from her detail.

Again. Go ahead, Pat.

Tell her what you did to her.

I drugged them with tea.

And because of that, now what happened?

I have a dinner with JoJo Siwa.

Okay, um, well, I guess it's good that you're all here, um, because I love you

and Chase very much.

But I have decided to leave the industry.

What? Streeter will still represent you, but I want to leave.

I mean, I don't want to. I actually want to stay, but I just, I, I can't.

I have to go. I mean, I, I need to go.

Oh, honey, I didn't know you felt this way.

Yeah, yeah, but whatever makes you happy.

Thanks, bud.

Okay, ma 'am, your car is ready.

All right. We're bringing her out right now. I really don't want to have one

with JoJo Siwa.

I know. I'm sorry, Mom.

Oh, wait. Sorry, Shirley. Before I quit, do you think you can tell me what's

going on with the baby? Just fucking go, Brooke.

Uh, what?

This may be a joke to you, but this is my job, and I care about it. And

I've spent a lot of time helping you.

So this quitting, not quitting shit isn't funny.

If you're out,

Be out.

Oh, my God!

Hi, Doug.

Yeah, it is the most wonderful time of the year. Curtis, Curtis, guess what? I

just got a role, too.

Whoa, whoa.

Congratulations. Yeah, yeah, it's the three -episode arc on that show, Emily

Overruled. Oh, OK.

BBS.

Prime time, baby.

I know, and I didn't even have to audition because I guess I'm like

a name now.

But isn't that great?

We both booked roles.

Mm -hmm. Yeah.

And Lucas just sang the entirety of Jingle Bells at me, so I'm assuming he

booked one too.

Yeah. But he is not playing a virgin anymore, so now I can take him home and

celebrate, if you know what I mean. But gotta run. Such a fun night. Okay.

Okay, bye, Carrie.

Bye. Bye, bye, bye.

Oh, hey, there you are. I was just gonna...

I'm not a virgin now.

You know what?

Let's not kiss.

Okay. What do you want to do?

I was thinking something, uh, something like this.

No, no, no. You know we're in my hometown for Christmas.

My parents are asleep in the next room.

Oh, my God.

Um, well, we'll just have to keep it down for them then.

No, it's not safe.

I still haven't even told them I'm...

What's this now? I promise.

I'm gonna tell them soon, babe. Just... on Christmas.

Sorry, so we for real can't have sex?

Again? Because my... my hole is out.

I should probably sleep on the couch.

Bye, babe.

And babe, Merry Christmas.

This is fine.

It's... it's a process.