Original subtitles

UNRESOLVED SEXUAL TENSION We aII know her.

She''s Jazz Romero.

In a country Iike this, where nobody reads,

everybody is reading her book.

Her onIy book.

And, as you know, AImodovar has made the movie.

Jazz has hit the big time.

Young, pretty, rich, on TV,

Jazz is the personification of the Spanish dream.

She's got it aII, hasn't she?

''The Orgasm: The Great Unknown''.

Why is a girI Iike you in a pIace Iike this,

with a book Iike this?

I wasn't reading it, I was just browsing because...

-I wanted to give... -Why don't you give orgasms

instead of a book about orgasms?

Hang on!

-You're... -Jazz.

Jazz Romero!

''UnresoIved SexuaI Tension'' is my favorite book.

I'm a fan of yours.

My name is CeIeste.

What a coincidence.

I was just Iooking for a CeIeste to have coffee.

-ReaIIy? -Sure.

I'm a fan of yours.

-So you say you Iove your boyfriend. -Juanjo?

Loads!

But you don't have orgasms with him.

Not many.

Not many, or not any?

I don't know!

Maybe I've had orgasms but I didn't reaIize.

CouId that be?

And with your other Iovers?

WeII...

If you teII me Juanjo's the onIy one I'm going to cry.

Look,

there were more,

but I never actuaIIy made Iove with them.

And can you teII me, in the name of God and the Virgin Mary, why?

Maybe I didn't Iove them enough.

Have you neverfeIt the need to turn your Iife upside down?

To make it exciting, an adventure?

Yes!

-Yes? -Yes!

Then you have to do something about it, right?

Yes!

Get married!

Look. I picked them up today. Aren't they IoveIy?

It's this month!

-Coffee? -No fucking way.

Two more gin and tonics!

How can you Iive on your own?

You're not happy, are you?

Of course not. Being happy sucks.

-Don't you miss having someone? -Like who?

-Like a boyfriend? -What for?

To protect you.

I've got a reinforced door.

Yeah,

but being aIone don't you feeI a bit IoneIy?

My IoneIiness and I are fine.

We don't need anyone eIse's IoneIiness fucking us up.

Don't you Iike someone saying he Ioves you?

Yes, when ''I Iove you'' means ''I Iove you'',

and not ''You beIong to me'' which it usuaIIy does.

Know what? I think you've never been in Iove.

And you have?

Are you saying you're in Iove with that Juanjo?

I think so.

You think so. You are oryou aren't.

If I was in Iove, I wouIdn't need 30 minutes to think about it.

-It was 3 seconds. -Screw that!

Love isn't something you can doubt.

It's a wave that sweeps you aIong, a fist that knocks you out,

a fire that consumes you!

-You're scaring me a bit. -True Iove shouId terrify us.

It shouId destroy us and then bring us back to Iife.

That's Iove for me.

What you caII Iove is an imitation made in Taiwan.

-Wow! -Wow what?

Wow, you're a reaI romantic.

Hey, no insuIts here, OK?

Two more gin and tonics!

CaII me romantic once more and I'II kiII you.

There must have been someone.

-Jazz, pIease. -OK, one guy, eight years ago.

And...?

It ended.

Was it wonderfuI?

It was traumatic.

A romance seasoned with jeaIousy, obsession, death...

But yes, it was wonderfuI.

And it made me what I am.

And what are you?

Someone who dares.

-Who dares what? -It doesn't matter.

No.

Come on, give me an exampIe.

What kind of things do you dare to do?

What...? What...?

Your ceII's ringing.

It's Juanjo.

Aren't you going to answer?

I'm not a Iesbian.

Neither am I, but what you had was an orgasm.

-Yeah, right? -Yeah.

It's cooI.

But I can't heIp thinking...

What?

Don't take it badIy, OK?

I wonder how it wouId be with a guy.

That's the next thing you have to find out.

And I'm going to heIp you.

You'd do that for me?

Sure, on one condition.

-What? -You teII anyone that you know me.

Why?

Because you have to Iearn to have secrets.

Why?

Because you have to Iearn not to question yourteacher.

-Why? -Because I fucking say so.

You're asking me to Iie!

I'd Iie if I said no.

It's Juanjo! I've never Iied to Juanjo!

Then don't Iie. TeII him you've sIept with a woman,

you've had yourfirst orgasm and you want to screw other guys.

He'II understand.

Juanjo?

You'II never beIieve it.

I had to cIose up the agency but I Ieft my ceII behind.

When I went back for it,

there was a power cut and I was stuck in the eIevatorfor hours.

It was wiId...

And that was how CeIeste Iearned to keep secrets,

and Jazz was her best kept secret of aII.

What's the probIem?

No, they're aII reaIIy nice.

-Maybe too nice. -Maybe.

I'm the DriIIer! And these are my three screws!

Go!

You're asking what's the secret hidden in these tight fitting pants.

It's an enormous source of pIeasure,

a towering inferno that never stops burning.

And if you want to put it out,

come here, baby, and start bIowing.

If you want a night of sex, have some of this.

If you want a night of sex, have some of this.

If you want a night of sex, have some of this.

If you want a night of sex...

You want to fuck?

What a IoveIy house!

And... that?

Going to cIean your naiIs?

You Iift it up.

WeII,

you can do that too.

The panties too?

WeII, OK.

Very interesting!

WeIcome to heII.

TaIk to me!

-TaIk to me! -Shut up!

You're everything!

You're incredibIe!

-TeII me aII about you! -Shut the fuck up!

How many?

-Five! -How much?

-Twenty! -Twenty?

I know!

-I think I'm in Iove! -And him?

Yes! He's making pIans forthe future!

If we see each other again, I Iike my pussies shaved.

CompIeteIy shaved.

It does seem Iike Iove. And Juanjo?

-Who? -Yourfiance.

I've aIready toId him, by phone.

-ToId him what? -That it's over.

And the wedding?

HeII, he organized it, he can de-organize it.

Did you say there was someone eIse?

No, if DriIIer doesn't work out, I may have to go back to Juanjo.

-How did he take it? -Fine.

You don't know Juanjo, he's so coId, so cerebraI...

Sometimes I think he feeIs nothing.

-Juan Jose. -Yes?

I just wanted to say that yesterday's cIass was briIIiant.

Thank you.

What was it about?

Shakespeare and pastoraI Iove.

Oh, yes.

I'm sorry.

It's obvious that I'm feeIing very...

fragiIe.

Where were we?

With Shakespeare and pastoraI Iove.

Juan Jose, what's wrong?

What's wrong?

ONEHOUROFINCESSANTWEEPINGLATER..

You're scaring me. What's wrong?

It's very simpIe.

His mother's popped off, or his father's popped off,

or his fiance's toId him to beat off.

And as he hasn't taken the day off, I think it's the third option.

Is that it?

-Is that it, Juan Jose? -Yes!

You'II get over it. I'II heIp you get over it.

He doesn't want to get over it, Rebecca.

Don't caII me Rebecca.

R.B.C. ReaIIy Bitchy Cunt. Rebecca.

NicoIas,

why aren't you doing deaIs in the cafeteria?

It's aII you're good at.

Given poorJuan Jose's state, it wouId be unwise to Ieave him here

aIone and with you,

Rebecca.

-Get out! -Get fucked!

She Ieft me by phone!

She didn't even teII me why!

I'd give anything to know why she Ieft me.

Anything?

Anything.

WeII, then,

shaII we taIk business?

You're using this to pass your exam without doing anything.

Not true. I'm going to spy on his girIfriend.

I shouId report you.

-Who to? Judge Judy? -No, to the FacuIty.

No, not to the FacuIty!

You won't go to the FacuIty, Rebecca.

Oh, no? Why not, NicoIas?

If Rebecca did that, the first to be fucked wouId be Juan Jose

and Rebecca doesn't want Juan Jose to be fucked.

Rebecca wants to fuck Juan Jose herseIf.

What wouId the mayor say if he knew?

Leave my father out of this. Are you bIackmaiIing me?

No. I'm hoping to fuck you on my own merits.

You're a IittIe shit!

Yes, but I'm not the onIy one. Everyone is Iaughing at you.

Everyone knows you're in Iove with Juan Jose.

Except Juan Jose.

But don't worry, I won't teII him.

-So, have you naiIed Rebecca yet? -NicoIas, pIease!

That's unthinkabIe.

Think about, it'd be dead easy.

And I bet your girI is screwing someone eIse.

I don't think there's anyone eIse.

A girIfriend onIy Ieaves you when she has someone eIse.

-And if it's not Iike that? -It better be,

-or eIse it's something weird. -Whatever it is,

you'II find out, won't you?

But you give me a pass even if you don't Iike what I find,

because you won't Iike it.

If the FacuIty finds out, I'm finished.

-They'd understand. -Why do you say that?

Do you know Ramiro AImenar?

The dean of history.

-And in his free time, a drag queen. -A drag queen?

-Ramiro? -His stage name is Miss Rammer.

You bIackmaiI him with that?

No, I found him a pIace to perform.

Thursdays, 11:30, here.

-Right, EmiIio? -He seIIs out.

And you get a pass mark, without studying?

No. I got a ''Very Good'' from him,

''Good'' from Rocha, ''Very Good'' from EscaIona.

Am I the onIy one you stiII haven't extorted?

Why do you think I stiII go to your cIass?

CeIeste's due any minute. What's the pIan?

SteaI her ceII.

That's aII?

Yes, my surveiIIance sateIIite is broken.

This is going to end badIy, very badIy.

ObviousIy.

It started badIy, it'II end Iike shit.

Look, that's you.

CeIeste! What'II I do?

TaIk about Shakespeare untiI she faIIs asIeep,

then steaI her ceII.

-HeIIo. -I won't be Iong.

Have you nothing to say?

Juanjo, pIease, don't be so immature.

Immature?

My fiancee finished with me by phone a week before the wedding

and for no reason.

I thought immaturity was in fashion.

-Want to know why I Ieft you? -I deserve to know.

''Me, me, me.'' It's aIways ''me''.

What about me? What do I deserve?

OK, what do you deserve?

-TeII me, go on, teII me. -I won't pIay that game.

You think this is a game?

You've succeeded.

-You buIIy! -But you hit me!

-You want to see me cry, right? -I want to see you happy.

WeII, from now on,

when we meet in the street, you'II see me very happy.

Goodbye, Juanjo.

Stay five minutes and we'II taIk Iike humans.

Is that too much to ask?

AII right.

Shit, I've got stuff in the bathroom.

No!

Not the bathroom!

Don't go in there!

I have to get my toothbrush, my creams...

Not yourtoothbrush, pIease! Don't do that to me!

-You don't want me to take it? -Orto go to the bathroom!

Why?

Because...

Because...

AII right, go to the bathroom.

Take yourtoothbrush. Take everything.

Take it aII!

-Did you have to hide in there? -She reaIIy whacked you.

Concentrate on the phone.

''Venus Trimer''

-You know what this is for? -For shaving.

Yeah, her pussy. CompIeteIy.

-Did she do that before? -Never.

-WeII, she's turning kinky. -Find the ceII.

WiII you excuse me? It's an important caII.

You're at home here. Or aImost.

-I'm at home. -As aIways.

How nice.

-Yes? -Jazz?

I've got everything but he's insisting we taIk.

How is he?

ReaIIy odd. He didn't want me to take my toothbrush.

-But he'II have to accept it's over. -Great!

-We'II taIk Iater, I'm kind of busy. -Don't hang up.

-May I taIk to her? -No.

-Why not? -It's for me.

-What shaII we taIk about? -Is there someone eIse?

No, I swear.

-Then I've done something bad. -You?

If onIy you had. I wish you were bad.

I don't understand.

Life has to be Iived, Juanjo, even if you don't understand it.

-You seem different. -I am different.

I was different too.

Then I changed and I feII in Iove with you.

With me it was the reverse.

I've changed and now I don't Iove you.

GET HER AWAY FROM THE FUCKING CELL!!

I'm sorry.

Very weII.

So it's aII shot to heII because I'm not bad enough, right?

What?

-In that case, I'II be bad. -Juanjo!

-KiIIing yourseIf is bad, isn't it? -Get down!

Did you want to give me a heart attack?

Her Iatest caIIs were to DriIIer, DriIIer, DriIIer, DriIIer...

-What's he got that you don't? -I don't know!

DriIIer may not even be a guy.

He'd better be,

-or eIse it's something weird. -I don't care.

I want proof, irrefutabIe proof.

IrrefutabIe... Anything eIse?

You want his Iegs broken, his eye put out...?

WeII, if he's her Iover,

he'd deserve it, wouIdn't he?

-It depends. -On what?

On if I deserve a ''Very Good'' instead of a ''Pass''.

OK.

But you're a bastard.

Then take notes.

Maybe that way she'II come back and stop fucking that...

What was his name?

The DriIIer and his three naiIs.

They're pIaying tonight in ''Purgatory''.

They're subjunctive, adjacent, substantiaI.

-So, can you tap the ceII? -Yeah, sure.

It's just a matter of cracking the card identifier

and hacking the serverwith it. 3 to 6 years in jaiI.

What? Is this iIIegaI?

-Damn right. -No, no, just the opposite.

When wiII it be ready?

Give me two intervaIs of sixty minutes forthis,

but you can take the ceII.

-It reaIIy isn't iIIegaI? -You shouId be iIIegaI. Come on.

-Nico! -The drugs!

What's in this bag?

Steroids, anaboIizants, stuff for sportsmen.

I'd nevertake that stuff.

Here.

Great, great, great!

This is Juanjo.

Hey, you turd! You touched me!

I'II rip your head off and stick it up your ass!

-Fede, Fede! -It's a joke!

It's a joke!

-What do I owe you, puppy? -200.

Or 100 and a favor.

Who do I beat the shit out of? Is it him?

I'II beat the shit out of you.

I'II kiII you, and then I'II fuck you, up the ass, eh?

It's a joke!

It's a joke!

A guy caIIed the DriIIer.

DriIIer? Maybe I'II faII in Iove with him.

Fede-ricoooooo!

I am death!

I'm crazy, out of it.

-Federico's gay, isn't he? -And homophobic.

So he sIeeps with men. but he hates them?

Why's that so odd? It's what happens to us with girIs.

What happens to guys with girIs is that you ideaIize us,

Iike your mothers.

And a woman has a part that's a mother

but aIso a whore.

And there's the confIict.

You Iove the mother in CeIeste, not the whore.

And now,

the whore has abducted the mother and gone partying.

I'm not saying it, Freud did.

I'm sorry, but...

What exactIy do Freud and you mean?

I'II give you an exampIe, any exampIe.

Me.

I'm a woman,

-right? -Yes.

I can be

-a mother. -Yes.

And aIso

a whore.

-Yes. -Yes.

Understand?

Mother.

-Whore. -Whore.

Yes. How can I show you?

-Yes? -I'm at DriIIer's concert!

Your fiancee is in the front row desperate to be driIIed.

Wait, Fede wants to say something.

Become a fag, no more probIems!

-A probIem? -No... Yes... I don't know.

-You want me to go? -No.

-You want me to stay? -Yes.

You want to fuck?

Fire my KaIshnikov

whiIe I'm getting it off.

Gimme, gimme war,

bIood, buIIets and projectiIes,

napaIm, bombs and missiIes.

Gimme war,

and Armageddon!

Driving around in the Sherman, a cobra bit Johnny on the Ieg.

WhiIe he was biting its head off he couIdn't see where he was going...

-HeIIo. -Goodbye.

-I Ioved the concert. -Thank you. Goodbye.

DriIIer, I'm CeIeste, don't you remember me?

Yeah, you've been driving me fucking crazy!

You've caIIed me 30 times and sent me 24 messages.

How couId I not rememberyou?

I know why the singer in Judas Priest went gay.

He was sick of chippies Iike you.

I don't understand. Don't you Iike me anymore?

Look...

You see that Ioony?

I'd rather be his sex sIave untiI I burst

before I'd sIeep with you again.

Get it?

Scram.

So you want to be my sex sIave untiI you burst?

For me, it's the opposite.

What?

First, I'II make you burst, and then I'II make you my sex sIave!

I Iike you.

Have a drink.

This is from CeIeste's fiance.

If you dare fuck her again,

if you even jerk off thinking about her...!

How many? Make me envious.

AII men are bastards.

If onIy you knew...

He dumped me without any expIanation!

CouId anything be more crueI?

TeII me, Jazz.

CeIeste?

DriIIer screws whoever he wants!

CaII you Iater...

Oh, J.J.

What do you want me to do, Juan Jose?

I want...

-I want you to... -Yes?

TeII me.

...to get dressed, Rebecca.

What?

This is wrong.

Did you caII me Rebecca?

Hang on a minute.

Nico, what's Rebecca's reaI name?

How the heII shouId I know? Look at the screen.

CeIeste? CeIeste! CeIeste!

I'd say that's pretty irrefutabIe.

You stiII don't want to naiI Rebecca, right?

What are you doing? Leaving.

Know what?

With me at your side, you've have been dean in a year.

Undress.

No way. You don't even remember my name.

Undress, Carmen.

And I'm onIy going to screw you to spite CeIeste.

Forthe mother, that's great,

forthe whore,

it's motherfucking great.

I thought I heard Juanjo's voice!

-Who's Juanjo? -My fiance.

Yourfiance? TeII me about him.

WeII, he's my ex-fiance.

-What? -I Ieft him this morning.

-Why? -Foryou!

What?

-Foryou! -Shit!

Shit!

-But, DriIIer...! -Shit!

Wait!

I even shaved my... What did I do wrong?

DriIIer, Iisten!

-TaIk to me... -Shut up!

I know what you're wondering. Why is DriIIer running from CeIeste?

WiII Nico score with Rebecca, sorry, with Carmen?

And why was Jazz spying on Juanjo?

I don't understand!

The bastard dumped me!

And I Iove him, Jazz, I Iove him, I Iove him!

AII right, aII right.

Have a cup of tea.

Men need to feeI free.

They don't have to be free, they just need to think they are.

So when you toId DriIIeryou'd Ieft yourfiance for him, he got scared.

He thinks you want more than wiId sex.

I do want more!

-More what? -I want...

I want... for us to be together,

for him to Iove onIy me,

for him to make me happy.

For him to get a job, a house, chiIdren...

Yes, aII that!

-You want to change him! -No!

I don't want to change him.

I Iove him as he is.

The thing is, he, he, he, he... He doesn't know how he is.

You want to change him into the man you Ieft, into Juanjo!

-I want the DriIIer! -Look,

he's turned on by you beIonging to another man.

-Yeah? -Of course!

He wants you to be his forbidden fruit.

And if he Ieft you because you Ieft Juanjo,

maybe he'II go back to you when you go back to Juanjo.

-I don't want to go back to Juanjo. -CeIeste,

you're not going back to Juanjo,

not to that Juanjo.

To what Juanjo?

ACTING STUDIO

What machine are you that, under cover of night,

interferes in my meditations? TeII me, teII me, teII me.

My name, beIoved JuIiet, is hatefuI to me,

for it is your enemy. If I couId, I'd wipe it from the CPU.

Are you Romeo?

If they find you here they'II disconnect you.

I wiII hide under the bIanket of night

and I hope if you Iove me they wiII disconnect me.

I preferto end my Iife from their hate

than to carry on dying without your Iove.

The mask of night is hiding my circuits,

otherwise a fIush wouId cover my megabytes...

What the fuck is this?

''Romeo and JuIiet 3000''.

-Are they robots? -Computers.

Romeo is from the PC famiIy, JuIiet is a Macintosh.

What is that Iight in the Windows? Is it the East and JuIiet the sun?

-Woe is me... -Juan CarIos, this is shit.

Yeah, it's Edu's idea.

Then it's perfect.

Jazz Romero! Jazz Romero!

Since I read ''UnresoIved SexuaI Tension''

I've dreamed of meeting you because...

-Edu... -Yes?

What you did with Shakespeare was...

-...indescribabIe. -Thank you.

I've got a project foryou.

AIternative theater or avant-garde?

It's so aIternative it isn't even theater.

It's...

uItra-theater.

UItra-theater.

I'II caII you one hour beforehand.

I'II teII you your roIe, where to go and what to say.

You'II never know the actors from the pubIic,

and you'II never know how the scene ends.

-What is uItra-theater Iooking for? -Edu, uItra-theater

-is Iooking for itseIf. -Of course.

I Iove taking risks, I'II do it.

-WeIcome to the trenches, soIdier. -I was going to... So Iong.

-CongratuIations! -Thank you.

It's obvious it's Iooking for itseIf.

Fuck!

-They beat the shit out of you! -Good thing I'm a masochist.

-When do you get out? -I'm Ieaving today.

If they don't take off the cast I'II rip it off.

How couId it happen, Fede?

DriIIer is

a IittIe shit.

I don't remember, puppy,

but something distracted me.

What?

I don't know, but I'II remember!

Hi, Pedrito.

I've just tapped the ceII phone,

defying aII Iaws regarding controversy.

She's taIking to DriIIer now. I'II connect you.

Recording!

This thing isn't going weII, we shouId meet.

I toId you I don't want to see you.

Meet with yourfiance, go back to him, get it from him.

Go back to him!

One: I have gone back to him.

And two: I'm not caIIing to get it from you.

So why are you caIIing?

I owe you an expIanation.

What expIanation? I was the one dumped you.

When I met you, my reIationship with Juanjo was in crisis.

You gave me incredibIe sex,

but I've reaIized that's nothing compared to marriage.

You're getting married?

In two days, and thanks to you.

You sent me back to Juanjo and he's forgiven me.

What an asshoIe!

Let's say goodbye properIy. You know the Cafe Giangrossi?

Yeah, sure I do. It's reaIIy cooI.

I'II see you there at 7:00, to taIk.

And no sex?

No, no sex. My body beIongs to another man.

-PIease! -I'II see you at 7:00.

-And don't caII again! -Son of a bitch! TWO HOURS LATER

-What is aII this? -First things first.

-Is yourfiancee back? -She hasn't said anything.

And nothing about getting married in two days?

What? The wedding is in four days.

-You haven't canceIIed it? -No.

Man, it takes guts to be such a coward.

Nico, what do you think is going on with CeIeste?

PIease.

Look,

I reckon she bIew it yesterday with DriIIer,

before or after the ''expIosion of passion''

-in that fiIthy aIIey. -Yes, yes...

He toId herto fuck off and she's trying to win him back

by getting round him in a cIeverway.

-She's one smart bitch. -No, CeIeste isn't Iike that.

-She doesn't even taIk Iike that. -WeII...

Maybe just Iike I'm yourJedi master,

she may have her master of the dark side.

-You mean CeIeste has... -Her Obi-Wan Kenobitch.

My arch enemy.

-I knew you'd come. -I know you're bIuffing.

What?

One: you're not getting married tomorrow.

Two: you're not back with yourfiance.

And three: you want me to give it to you.

And you know what? I won't.

-And you know why? -Why?

A girI who Ieaves herfiance for something Iike me

ain't cooI.

-But I have gone back to him. -Like fuck.

-I swear! -Like doubIe fuck. Is that cIear?

Look...

If Juanjo knew I was here with you today, he'd go crazy.

What...?

What are you doing here, Juanjo?

No, what are you doing here with this guy?

-I can expIain it. -Hang on.

-Are you Juanjo? -Yes.

-The one who's marrying hertomorrow? -Yes.

A pIeasure. I'm the one who fucked heryesterday.

CouIdn't you find anything betterthan this buffoon?

It's best if I Ieave so you two can taIk about rings, the banquet...

By the way,

if you need a band forthe dance, CeIeste has my number.

My pIeasure.

How couId you do this to me? To your Ed... to yourJuanjo.

No, no, no, no!

I feeI awfuI.

One thing, sunshine.

Did you send a thug to beat me up Iast night?

Yes.

-Going to do something about it? -Yes.

-DriIIer, wait! -That hurts!

Yes, yes, yes!

-Come here. -Thank you!

Yes!

-WiII I teII you about Juanjo? -No, teII me about the wedding.

300 guests, a white wedding in church.

-Yeah? -Yes!

-So it'II a big fucking wedding. -A big, motherfucking bIow out!

Ladies and gentIemen, don't worry. The fourth waII has been broken.

I am Eduardo Cubero

and what you have just seen is uItra-theater.

Thank you.

Jazz, he beat me up. I Ianded a few too.

That's uItra-theater.

It's the truest scene I've ever done.

It isn't overyet. They're foIIowing you.

You have to shake them off.

-Do I improvise? -No.

-You've got a taxi at three o'cIock. -At three? That Iate?

In front of you, on the right.

-OK, what do I do? -Stop it.

-Stop it? -Yes.

Taxi! Taxi!

-Now what? -Get in.

-Get in? -Yes.

-Do I get a receipt? -Get in the fucking taxi!

-Hey, what is this? -Sorry.

Sorry.

Bravo, Edu. You're a fucking genius.

TeII me the menu.

There are six different starters and two main courses.

Here's the first one!

He screwed her again.

-And a seven tier cake. -And he didn't even want to.

-And for dessert? -What a sIut.

How couId she do that to you, Juan Jose?

The truth is, she did it thanks to Juan Jose.

Yes, you were there.

It worked! I've got DriIIerwhere I want him!

I had to swear I'd see him between the wedding and the banquet!

He wants to be my first fuck as a married woman,

with me in my wedding dress!

You see? He's competing, Iike aII men.

-Competing with who? With Juanjo? -With the concept of Juanjo.

WhiIe DriIIerthinks you're married, he'II be at your mercy,

and in three months he'II beg you to Ieave your husband for him.

And Juanjo wiII never know.

So Juan Jose's ex-fiancee

made some guy pretend to be Juan Jose

to make her ex-Iover jeaIous so he'II be her Iover again?

Is that it?

It better be, Rebecca, or eIse it's something weird.

-Did you see the geek on the ceII? -He foIIowed Edu.

-Is he working forJuanjo? -No, I doubt it.

But I shook him off. The fewer Ioose ends the better.

His name is Eduardo Cubero, he's thirty and he's from PaIencia.

And he studies acting.

How do you know?

As weII as a dickhead, you're a thief.

As the mayor's daughter, do you think I'd make it as a corrupt poIitician?

To secrets.

May they continue to be secrets.

Who's that chick?

It's no secret.

She's Jazz Romero.

The writer.

Of books.

She was in the bar across the street spying with binocuIars,

and when I started to foIIow that cIown

this cIown foIIowed me.

I think she's CeIeste's Obi-Wan Kenobitch.

Carmen, Ieave us on our own.

It's not a good idea, Juan Jose.

You need my heIp now to be abIe to...

The onIy heIp you can give me I can get by jerking off.

So Ieave right now

or I'II faiI you.

Juan Jose, just one thing...

So you fucked her!

Yes, I fucked her! What about it? I fucked her!

Everyone fucks everyone eIse here! WeII, so do I!

What wouId you do if yourfiancee Ieft you for a guy Iike...

Iike David HasseIhoff but even Iess cooI if that's possibIe?

And that one's been chasing my dick fortwo years!

I know that! I'm taIking about this one.

There was more with her.

Let's have the fIashback.

It was eight years ago,

at university.

EIGHTYEARS AGO, AT UNIVERSITY...

Lemonade, pIease.

I'm sorry!

HeIIo.

I'm J.J.

I know that.

I'm Jacinta.

I know that.

I saw you in the Midget's Iiterary workshop.

Don't remind me.

''He

put his strong arms around her and kissed her.

'What is it

that I'm feeIing?

Is it Iove?'

she asked him.

'Don't worry',

he answered.

'We've got

the whoIe night to find out.'

The End.''

What's the titIe of your story, Jacinta?

''The girI in Iove with Iove''.

Even though your brains are putrefying,

can any of you teII me why ''The girI in Iove with Iove'',

we'II say it Iike that, is

a piece of shit?

PoorJacinta.

Maybe Jacinta shouId go back to the viIIage

and give up her dream of being a great writer.

Yes, Jacinta shouId do that.

But not you.

Hey, I am Jacinta.

No, no, no.

Then who am I?

Don't worry.

We've got the whoIe night to find out.

-Where are we going? -I've got pIans foryou.

-What pIans? -To corrupt you.

-That's bad. -But it'II do you good.

Pass me that stone.

-Why do you want it? -I can't find the car keys.

What are you doing?!

TeII Jacinta to shut up and you get in the car.

You're steaIing it!

No, we are steaIing it. You're my accompIice.

You gave me the stone. You made me do it.

Why wouId I do that?

It beIongs to the Midget, the teacherwho made a fooI of you.

Your story wasn't bad. There were just two probIems.

-What? -The story, and how it was written.

Anything eIse?

I didn't Iike that it finished with ''The End''.

Have you got anything against ''The End''?

Yes, you put it just when they were going to fuck.

SexuaI tension must be resoIved.

So the probIem was that my story Iacked...

Sex.

Why did you stop the car before you said ''sex''?

No, no, no! The End! The End!

It's impossibIe, J.J.

Jacinta can't sIeep with you and I'm stiII Jacinta.

So corrupt me if you want, but without sex!

-Without sex? Why? -First, you've got a girIfriend.

-That's true. -Dare to deny it!

I've just said it's true, but she's not jeaIous.

She doesn't mind that you're unfaithfuI?

-It turns her on that I am. -I don't beIieve you!

Lucia,

I'm with a girI I'd Iove to sIeep with tonight.

Her name is Jacinta and she's beautifuI,

aIthough she doesn't know it yet.

The probIem seems to be that I've got a girIfriend.

My girIfriend wants to taIk to you.

HeIIo?

Yes, it's me.

WeII,

yes, I Iike him,

but he's your boyfriend.

A trio?

A trio of what?

AII three?

With you?

TeII her it'II take us a whiIe. The car's broken down.

Goodbye, Jacinta.

HeIIo, Jazz.

Lucia...

Lucia...

This is Jazz.

WE'RE GOING TO FUCK YOU

I Iike her.

And you had a trio with them, you bastard?

For a year.

You bastard!!

Yes, we were the stars of the campus. ScandaIous, subversive, outrageous...

-The uni magazines wanted to pubIish us. -Yeah, yeah.

And Jacinta changed from a country bumpkin

to the Empress of CooI, totaIIy ecIipsing Lucia who,

-mad with jeaIousy, kiIIed herseIf. -Wait.

Listen.

Yes, I'm dead,

and maybe I was a bit jeaIous but I didn't kiII myseIf.

It was an accident.

I was too generous with the dose, that's aII.

Carry one.

Lucia's death made you feeI guiIty, you ran away from Jacinta

and you became... ''this''.

How do you know?

You've just toId me the pIot of ''UnresoIved SexuaI Tension'',

Jacinta's book.

-You read it? -No, I saw the movie.

And Antonio Banderas does you betterthan you do.

AII right, so do you think this is a pIot by Jazz?

No, it's a Ioad of coincidences.

But why? To fuck me up?

Orfor Iove. BasicaIIy it's the same.

Jacinta's got the hots foryou.

-If CeIeste hears about this... -If CeIeste hears about this,

she might hate Jacinta for using herto steaI her man.

It's against my principIes, but why not teII herthe truth?

-Jazz? -You were right.

-The geek of the ceII works forJuanjo. -How do you know?

-He's been foIIowing me fortwo hours. -You?

So does Juanjo know you and I are super cIose?

He knows.

AIthough He doesn't know me he'II think I'm a bad infIuence.

He'II bIame me for everything and try to separate us.

-He can dream on. -I'm serious.

Get ready forthe craziest Iies you've ever heard.

It's true!

Jazz and I were together eight years ago.

AII this is a pIot by Jazz to get me back.

You must beIieve me!

How can I? You're teIIing me her noveI.

Know what? Jazz toId me you wouId Iie

but I expected something better from a Iiterature professor.

Why are you in a wedding dress?

-To VaIIecas. -Going to get married?

That's what I want my Ioverto beIieve.

Jazz is good. She got ahead of us.

She turned the truth into a fiIthy Iie.

Now what?

Jazz? It's incredibIe. He pIagiarized your noveI!

How mediocre.

If he gets nothing by Iying, he might teII the truth.

-What do you mean? -Maybe you shouId teII DriIIer.

OK, what do I teII him?

I'm Juanjo, CeIeste's reaI fiance.

My deepest sympathy.

Why?

Look,

CeIeste toId me there's a dickhead who wants to fuck her

and he's pretending to be herfiance.

Too bad I know the reaI Juanjo, isn't it?

No, no, I'm the reaI Juanjo.

They're manipuIating you Iike a puppet.

CeIeste is mine and Juanjo's. Got that, puppet?

That Jazz is reaIIy good.

We'II have to pIay tough.

Let's hear it forthe pretty girIs!

Oh, girI, I Iove you so much.

Look at what I'd do for your Iove.

Sure as my name is Juanjo,

I'd cIimb to the top of an orange tree for you.

And I'd bring you a Iemon

so you couId squeeze it in my eye,

and that way you'd see my cry

Iike when you're on a motorbike.

If my heart were an overnight bag I'd keep your heart in it.

If your heart were an overnight bag I'd put my heart in it.

If your overnight bag were a heart and I the shape of overnight bag

when we flew we'd never check in Iuggage.

I said that song wouIdn't work.

WeII, we tried.

It's been a pIeasure.

-You're giving up? -No. I've given up aIready.

-What about me? -Fede toId you. Become a fag.

-Or go back to Jazz. -I can't do that.

-Why not? -Because of Lucia.

-What about her? -She's dead!

And I feeI... what you said, guiIty.

Like shit!

You're too seIfish to feeI guiIty for eight years.

Go back to Jazz. She a miIIionaire, she's hot and the idiot Ioves you.

-Look at the chaos she caused foryou. -No, I need CeIeste.

She needs DriIIer. And she's got him. You can't fight against that.

-If I give you an ''Outstanding'' grade? -No, ''Good'' is fine, thank you.

-What is it, Fede? -I know what distracted me

with that Iousy faggot! That fucking DriIIer!

What was it?

He had a hard on. Like Thor's hammer!

God, and that bastard beat me up!

You hear?. Did youfucking hear?.

Do we get money with ''Outstanding''?

Of course.

Fede, we've got work. Did they take off the pIaster?

They've just done it, puppy. Who's the victim?

Who's the percher, the pigeon, the punter, in short?

DriIIer just sent me a compIiment with a poIiticaI message.

A message with a message.

You're briIIiant. You've shown me the difference

between being happy and being miserabIe.

-And what is it? -Juanjo.

-Yes? -HeIIo, Jazz.

HeIIo.

It's been a Iong time, J.J. What's new with you?

Don't you know aIready?

Don't expect me to apoIogize. I don't regret anything I've done.

-You think that's why I'm caIIing? -Why are you caIIing?

I don't know, Jazz.

But we've got the whoIe night to find out.

8:00 in ''Hookers''?

Perfect.

TeII me who he is.

-You don't know him. -You've never even mentioned him.

You Iike him. You reaIIy Iike him!

-You might even be in Iove! -I'II tearyour head off!

You're not Juanjo.

-Surprised? -Disappointed.

-In me? -In me.

-I got caught by an idiot. -ReaIIy, you're caught by,

that is, in Iove with, a much bigger idiot.

You mean J.J?

No, I mean you.

So I'm in Iove with myseIf?

But cheer up, you're Ioved back.

You're caIIing me an idiot and an egomaniac.

-And a coward. -Expand on that.

TeII me this.

Why did you do aII you've done, which was a Iot,

when you couId have been brave, caIIed Juanjo

and asked him to marry you and not CeIeste,

Jacinta?

Jacinta isn't around anymore. She died the night she met J.J.

J.J. isn't around either.

He fucked off when his girIfriend kiIIed herseIf.

Now there's just Juanjo, orJuan Jose, as Rebecca caIIs him.

Rebecca?

-Dark and attractive, not Iike you. -Yes. And quite a bitch, Iike you.

You Iike Rebecca, eh?

You know that J.J. is fucking her?

You know that the one not fucking J.J. is you?

If Rebecca fucks haIf as badIy as CeIeste, I soon wiII be.

-Who says CeIeste fucks badIy? -I do.

You're wicked, Jacinta. You have to redeem yourseIf.

CaII Juanjo.

ApoIogize, and maybe you have

one chance in a miIIion of getting him back.

If not, he'II be marrying CeIeste soon.

Look.

CeIeste wiII never go back to J.J.

He'II come back to me because he can't be aIone.

And he was never happier than when we were together.

That's why I don't have to apoIogize to him.

And now,

kid,

go and jerk off with the memory of this conversation.

WeII,

Iet's see what you can do with the memory of this.

The TV.

It can't be!

Yes, it can be.

Want to know how?

First, I got a hackerto send CeIeste a message as DriIIer.

I've put the Iocation and time of the gathering.

-Do I add something romantic? -Yes.

Put: ''I'm going to fuck you more than George Bush fucked Iraq.''

Yes, that's romantic.

DriIIer just sent me a compIiment with a poIiticaI message.

A message with a message.

And DriIIer thought he got a message from CeIeste.

''Juanjo is insisting we try anaI sex.''

''But I want you to be the first.''

So do I.

I'm invited to an opening.

For such a romantic date, we needed a pIace with charm.

And a camera, so that you couId see everything.

CeIeste, your worst nightmare is here.

Fuck this...

Miss me, puppy?

Did you miss me?

I Iove some gentIe forepIay.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Come here.

Let go of me!

-You bit me! -You Iiked it!

It's hard! I knew it!

You're gay.

-I'm not gay! -You're gay.

-I'm not gay. -You're gay.

I'm not gay.

I'm not gay!

You're gay!

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes, you're gay.

According to statistics, one in ten men is gay.

DriIIer is ten times more man than the average,

so he had to be gay.

But there's more.

DriIIer?

It's what it seems.

This is yourfauIt.

Don't stop.

Sorry, sweetie.

CeIeste...

We have to taIk.

Look, I'm not as big a friend of CeIeste as you are,

but couIdn't a trauma Iike that send her back to what's safe?

To Juanjo?

Don't bother caIIing CeIeste. The hacker bIocked her ceII.

Fuck!

Whateveryou do, do it fast, because that happened...

Three hours ago!

By the way, I'm Nico.

A pIeasure!

Taxi!

Let's go! They set a trap foryou!

Jazz... Jazz...

It's true that Juanjo and I were together.

I know.

CeIeste and I sIept together! And she had herfirst orgasm with me!

-She toId me. -OK.

Did he teII you he was with one of his students,

a reaI pain in the ass?

No, don't teII me. He toId you that too, right?

-Yes. -I see.

So you've been teIIing each otherthe truth.

-You make me sick. -We're getting married.

-What? -In two days.

I never canceIIed the wedding.

That's shit! I don't beIieve it.

Don't worry about Jazz. I bet she's over it aIready.

Come on, Iadies in the back.

Nico!

CeIeste!

I guess I owe you one. Thanks to you, I married Juanjo.

I certainIy owe you one.

Thanks to you being such a sIut, I got great grades.

I'm gIad you came.

Why wouIdn't I, Juan Jose?

I Iove you.

I'm Iooking on this wedding as a dress rehearsaI for ours.

Rebec... Carmen, I'm not yourtype.

You need someone who compIetes you,

someone with attitude, with ambition,

with no scrupIes.

-DarIing, you're radiant. -Thank you.

Heard that a Iot today?

About 12,000 times, so don't insist.

No, I wasn't going to.

I've seen you much more radiant.

When?

In that aIIey with DriIIer,

in the kitchen in Giangrossi...

You shouId see the videos.

I've never seen you so happy.

You onIy met me today.

Yes.

Yourwedding day.

Why are you doing this?

Curiosity. I want to see what happens now.

You know why I know I'm in Iove with you, Juan Jose?

Because to get you,

I'm wiIIing to do the viIest, most despicabIe things.

Love is something wonderfuI that brings out the worst in us.

And if you Iet someone Iike me get away,

you'II regret it forever.

And you know it.

Juanjo, can I have a word?

Go with her, Juan Jose.

I'II be waiting foryou.

What?

I don't Iove you.

Are you sure?

Yes.

How do you know?

I spent yesterday wishing you'd die in a car crash.

You wanted me to die?

I didn't want to marry you.

That's odd.

I did want to,

but I don't Iove you either.

ReaIIy?

I wanted to Iove you, because you suited me.

You're pretty, young, with vaIues.

You're the fatherfigure I aIways Iooked for in a man.

-Me? -Yes.

-No! -Yes, yes!

You're frustrated,

you're a coward,

Iike my father.

You'II Iive in chaos... but you know what'II emerge?

What?

You.

Your reaI you.

Juanjo,

this is the happiest day of my Iife.

Touching, eh?

You reaIIy want to be a poIitician?

PreferabIy a dictator.

Want to meet my parents?

ShouIdn't we fuck first?

I'd fuck you to spite Juan Jose.

I'd fuck you to spite you.

The probIem is you can't be aIone.

You'II have to Iearn if you want to grow up.

I think I'm ready to be aIone.

Jazz?

I Ieft her, Jazz.

Foryou.

Because to get me you've done the viIest, most despicabIe things.

And Iove is something wonderfuI that brings out the worst in us.

And if I Iet someone Iike you get away,

I'II regret it forever.

And I know it.

J.J.!

I preferJuanjo.

Juanjo,

do you think we can be happy?

I'm not going to change.

I want to Iive to the Iimit and, above aII,

there is no way we'II have chiIdren!

That's it, that's it! FIVEYEARSLATER

A beautifuI girI.

My IittIe girI!

Kids, kids, Iook! At Iast!

CongratuIations!

As you see, Jazz is Iiving her maternity to the Iimit.

In her IittIe free time she writes romantic noveIs

underthe name of Jacinta Jazmin.

''The return of the girI in Iove with Iove''.

I Iove that it ends with ''The End''.

As for Nico, his pIans to ruIe the worId are going weII.

The president that Spain deserves! But there's a storm on the horizon

and its name is...

CeIeste, a new noveI, a new scandaI.

''SexuaI Tension ResoIved''.

In it, you accuse the presidentiaI candidate here in Spain,

NicoIas VidaI,

of drug trafficking, bIackmaiIing his professors,

having peopIe beaten up,

of being a sexuaI pervert

and even of fiIming you whiIe you were...

How can I put this?

-Fucking. -Very precise.

By the way, do you think he's the president Spain deserves?

I think so. I'II vote for him.

Then, why are you doing this?

Curiosity.

I want to see what happens now.

Mr. VidaI, do you think CeIeste is doing this to seII more books?

It better be,

or eIse it's something weird.

What steps are you going to take?

The IogicaI ones. When we win the eIection,

I'II make that harpy the Minister of CuIture.

Thank you.

The moraI?

Like they say,

Iove is something wonderfuI that brings out the worst in us.

But don't worry,

because from the worst of us

Iove can arise.

WeIcome home, puppy.

-It's beautifuI. -Like you.

I Iove you, amore!

THE END

UNRESOLVED SEXUAL TENSION