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YEAH!

THANK YOU.

YEAH! YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!

YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!

I JUST DO THIS FOR AN HOUR. YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!

"THAT WAS THE WORST SHOW I'VE EVER SEEN.

I PAID OVER $40.

AFTER THE SERVICE FEE, IT WAS 90."

CONVENIENCE CHARGE?

CONVENIENT WAY TO RIP US OFF.

HE'S LIKE PEARL JAM.

HE'S TAKING ON THE MAN.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. HE LOOKS LIKE THE MAN.

HE'S KIND OF PUDGY. MAYBE HE ATE THE MAN.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT MAN WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I THOUGHT HE'D BE PALER.

AT LEAST AS PALE AS THAT CD

WHERE HE LOOKS LIKE A PEDOPHILE.

WELL, HE WAS GOOD IN "CAPOTE."

HOW LARGE IS HIS HEAD?

IS HE STORING ANOTHER HEAD INSIDE OF THERE?

HE COULD BE A MASCOT.

HE COULD BE A MASCOT FOR THE MORMONS.

I'M ALREADY SICK OF THIS VOICE.

WHEN'S HE GONNA START CRACKING IT?

IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE IN AUSTIN.

THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT.

GREAT TO BE HERE.

I'VE HAD SO MUCH FUN HERE.

I HAVE. I WENT BOWLING.

I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG.

REALLY, THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF PEOPLE THAT GO BOWLING.

THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT REALLY REALLY LOVE BOWLING,

AND THEN THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT ARE LIKE,

"WOULDN'T IT BE HYSTERICAL IF WE WENT BOWLING?"

'CAUSE FOR MOST OF US

BOWLING IS THE ACTIVITY YOU DO

AFTER YOU'VE DONE EVERYTHING ELSE.

IT'S LIKE, "WELL, WE COULD GO BOWLING

OR WE COULD JUST HANG OURSELVES.

WHY DON'T WE GO BOWLING?"

NO ONE IS EVER JEALOUS WHEN THEY HEAR YOU WENT BOWLING.

"OH, YOU WENT BOWLING? GLAD I COULDN'T MAKE IT."

BOWLING'S GREAT.

YOU GOT TO LOVE A SPORT YOU CAN EAT WHILE YOU PLAY IT.

NEVER SEE THAT IN TENNIS. "HEY, BEFORE YOU SERVE,

LET ME DIG INTO THESE NACHOS."

IT'S A DIFFERENT SPORT.

THERE'S AN ASHTRAY BUILT INTO THE BOWLING EQUIPMENT.

POKER DOESN'T EVEN HAVE THAT.

AND THAT HAND

IF YOU'RE SWEATING WHILE YOU'RE BOWLING,

YOU'RE OUT OF SHAPE.

AND IF YOU'RE OUT OF SHAPE AND YOU'RE BOWLING,

YOU'RE PROBABLY A PROFESSIONAL BOWLER.

THERE'S NOTHING REALLY HEALTHY ABOUT BOWLING.

IT HAS TO BE THE GERMAPHOBE'S NIGHTMARE.

"HERE, PUT ON THESE MOIST SHOES 10,000 PEOPLE WORE

AND STICK YOUR FINGERS IN THESE DIRTY HOLES.

NOW YOU HAVE THE FLU."

HOW DIRTY ARE THOSE HOLES?

IT'S NOT LIKE THOSE BALLS WEAR OUT.

THEY PROBABLY HAVEN'T MANUFACTURED A BOWLING BALL

IN 1,000 YEARS.

SOMEONE'S OUT THERE IS USING FRED FLINTSTONE'S RIGHT NOW.

THAT IS PREPOSTEROUS.

I DON'T OWN A BOWLING BALL

'CAUSE I'M NOT A WEIRDO.

"YEAH, I WANT TO VOLUNTEER TO CARRY AROUND A 50-LB BALL.

CAN YOU PUT IT IN A BIG UGLY PURSE?

THAT'S HOW I WANT TO MEET THE LADIES."

"OH, COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU STARING AT MY PURSE.

IT'S FILLED WITH A BIG BLUE BALL.

MIND IF I FOLLOW YOU AROUND THE PARKING LOT?

I'LL JUST BE HUMMING."

* BALL IN THE BAG.

THAT'S THE WORST SONG EVER.

I ALWAYS HAVE TO PICK OUT MY BOWLING BALL.

I CAN NEVER FIND THE RIGHT ONE.

I'M LIKE, "THIS ONE IS TOO HEAVY.

THIS ONE IS GOOD, BUT IT'S PINK.

AND MY FINGERS DON'T FIT."

HOW DO THEY DECIDE ON THOSE FINGER SIZES?

THEY'RE EITHER FOR A FIVE-YEAR-OLD GIRL

OR THE INCREDIBLE HULK.

HOW BIG ARE SOME PEOPLE'S FINGERS?

SOME GUY WEARING A CATCHER'S MITT?

"YEAH, IT'S GOOD.

I CAN STILL CATCH THE GAME. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT."

THOSE BOWLING SHOES, NO UPDATE THERE.

"YOU NEED OUR SPECIAL SHOES

BEFORE YOU CAN ROLL OUR MAGIC BALL."

SOME PEOPLE HAVE THEIR OWN BOWLING BALL

AND THEIR OWN BOWLING SHOES AND NO FRIENDS.

THAT'S MEAN.

I CAN SAY THAT 'CAUSE I LIKE BOWLING.

I WATCH BOWLING ON TV,

'CAUSE I USE MY TIME WISELY.

I SAW THIS COLLEGE-TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP.

EACH TEAM HAD THEIR OWN COACH.

WHAT KIND OF STRATEGY ADVICE

IS A BOWLING COACH GIVING?

"YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS TIME, TIMMY,

I WANT YOU TO KNOCK DOWN ALL THE PINS."

"ARE YOU SURE?" "TRUST ME.

JUST DO IT, SON!"

THAT'S WEIRD.

BOWLING SEEMS SILLY,

YET WE ALL TAKE IT VERY SERIOUSLY, RIGHT?

TILL WE GET THAT FIRST GUTTER BALL WE'RE LIKE,

"LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE."

"THIS IS A STUPID SPORT."

THERE'S FEW MOMENTS IN LIFE

AS HUMILIATING AS THAT GUTTER BALL.

THE WORST PART IS THEN YOU HAVE TO MAKE

THAT TURN BACK TO YOUR FRIENDS.

"THAT BALL'S BROKEN.

IT'S TILTED DOWN THERE."

YOU NEVER WANT TO BE THE WORST BOWLER OF THE GROUP

'CAUSE EVERYONE TREATS YOU LIKE YOU HAVE CANCER.

"YOU CAN DO IT.

WE'RE PRAYING FOR YOU."

THE ADVICE STARTS: "USE A HEAVIER BALL.

KEEP YOUR ARM STRAIGHT. YOU SHOULD GET A VASECTOMY."

IF YOU'RE REALLY BAD AT BOWLING LIKE ME,

THEY'LL ASK IF YOU WANT THE BUMPERS UP.

IT'S NOT LIKE BOWLING'S THAT COMPLEX ANYWAY.

"YOU WANT THE BUMPERS? WE CAN GET RID OF THE PINS.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THIS COLORING BOOK AND SIT IN THE CORNER?"

BUT I LIKE BOWLING. IT'S PERFECT FOR THE LAZY MAN.

NO OTHER SPORT HAS A MACHINE

THAT ROLLS THE BALL BACK TO YOU

AT ARM LEVEL.

"ALL RIGHT, I'LL KEEP PLAYING.

IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN DO THIS IN A CHAIR OR SOMETHING?"

'CAUSE I AM A LAZY MAN.

I LOVE DOING NOTHING.

WHICH IS NOT GOOD WHEN YOU'RE BUSY.

YOU EVER HAVE SO MUCH TO DO

SO YOU JUST DECIDE TO TAKE A NAP?

"MAYBE SOME ELVES WILL COME IN HERE AND DO THIS CRAP.

I THINK I SAW THAT ONCE IN A MOVIE."

I STRUGGLE WITH MY LAZINESS.

"SHOULD I SIT DOWN AND DO NOTHING

OR SHOULD I LIE DOWN AND DO NOTHING?"

YOU'D THINK LAZY PEOPLE LIKE ME

WOULD'VE BEEN WEEDED OUT BY NATURAL SELECTION.

I CAN'T IMAGINE SOMEONE LIKE ME IN PIONEER TIMES.

"I REALLY GOT TO HARVEST THOSE CROPS

OR MY EIGHT KIDS AREN'T GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH WINTER.

I'LL HAVE OTHER KIDS.

I'VE GOT TO GET BACK TO STARING AT THE BARN.

MAYBE I'LL READ THE BIBLE FOR THE 10th TIME."

IT'S FUN DOING NOTHING.

BUT IF YOU DO NOTHING FOR TOO LONG,

THE MOST MENIAL TASK IS EXHAUSTING.

"I ACTUALLY HAVE TO POINT THE REMOTE CONTROL?

WHAT IS THIS, THE '50s?

CAN'T I JUST LOOK AT THE TV

AND IT'LL KNOW WHAT I WANT TO WATCH?"

YOU EVER BEEN WATCHING TV FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS

AND YOU SUDDENLY LOSE THE REMOTE?

"I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN UP.

I DON'T REMEMBER THROWING IT.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE I'M WATCHING THIS INFOMERCIAL."

WE ALL HAVE THE SAME ATTITUDE ON INFOMERCIALS.

"WHO'S WATCHING THIS CRAP?"

THEN THREE MINUTES LATER, "THAT'S A GOOD POINT.

MAYBE I NEED A KNIFE THAT CAN CUT A PENNY.

TOO BAD MY PHONE IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM.

I NEED A REMOTE FOR MY PHONE."

I THINK YOU KNOW YOU'RE ADDICTED TO TV

WHEN THE BATTERY IN THE REMOTE GOES OUT

AND YOU REPLACE IT WITH THE BATTERY FROM THE SMOKE ALARM.

"HEY, I ONLY SMOKE IN BED ANYWAY.

YOU'LL WAKE ME UP, REMOTE, WON'T YA?"

REMEMBER WHEN THE REMOTE WAS THREE BUTTONS?

NOW IT'S LIKE AN HONORS MATH CALCULATOR.

"JUST TRYING TO FIND VH1, NOT SPLIT AN ATOM."

I WATCH TOO MUCH.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE TV.

"I JUST PREFER READING."

"HAVE YOU WATCHED TELEVISION?

IT'S WAY BETTER.

THERE'S PICTURES, THERE'S SOUND.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, NO READING."

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT PEOPLE DID BEFORE TELEVISION.

THAT MUST HAVE BEEN HORRIBLE.

EVEN IN THOSE OLD-TIME PHOTOS OF PEOPLE GATHERED AROUND THE RADIO,

THEY'RE ALWAYS LOOKING AT THE RADIO LIKE,

"I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THEY INVENT THE TV.

THIS ERA SUCKS."

WHY WERE THEY EVEN LOOKING AT THE RADIO?

WERE THEY THAT BORED?

"MAYBE IT'LL TURN INTO A TV."

THAT'S WEIRD.

I JUST PREFER THE EASY WAY IN LIFE. I DO.

I SEE AN ESCALATOR, I GET EXCITED.

I'M LIKE, "SWEET! ALL I'VE GOT TO DO IS KEEP MY BALANCE."

PEOPLE LOOK SO BORED ON ESCALATORS.

THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE...

THEY SHOULD BE LIKE, "I'M GOING UP STAIRS WITHOUT MOVING MY LEGS!"

I LIKE TO PRETEND I'M IN CHARGE OF THE ESCALATOR.

TURN TO THE PEOPLE BEHIND ME, "YOU GUYS FOLLOW ME.

STAND THERE, KEEP THAT PACE."

EVER BEEN ON AN ESCALATOR AND SOMEONE STARTS WALKING UP BEHIND YOU?

I'M LIKE, "SETTLE DOWN, WEIRDO.

THIS IS ONE OF THE GOOD PARTS OF LIFE."

HOW ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE THAT TAKE THE STAIRS

RIGHT NEXT TO THE ESCALATOR?

"WHAT ARE YOU DRUNK?

THIS THING IS FREE.

YOU DON'T NEED A TICKET."

THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE, "I'M TAKING THE STAIRS

'CAUSE I'M WATCHING MY CHOLESTEROL."

THEN HALFWAY UP THEY ALWAYS HAVE THAT LOOK IN THEIR EYES:

"I'VE MADE AN ENORMOUS MISTAKE.

THESE STAIRS ARE HARD."

THE ESCALATOR DEFINITELY MAKES YOU LOOK DOWN ON STAIRS.

"YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN AN ORGANIZED HILL."

THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN WALKING UP STAIRS

IS WALKING UP AN ESCALATOR THAT'S NOT WORKING.

WHAT'S THE POINT? IT'S LIKE HAVING A DEAD BUTLER.

COME ON.

MY BUTLER DIED LAST WEEK.

WE ALL LOOK SO CONFUSED WHEN WE ENCOUNTER

THE ESCALATOR THAT'S NOT WORKING.

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET UP THERE?

I'M TRAPPED!

HELP! HELP!"

I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN THEY SEPARATE THE UP AND THE DOWN ESCALATOR.

THEY DO THAT IN MALLS. YOU'RE LIKE,

"HERE'S THE DOWN ESCALATOR, WHERE'S THE UP?"

"OH, THAT'S CONVENIENTLY LOCATED A MILE AWAY.

DID YOU BRING A CANOE? 'CAUSE THERE'S A RIVER."

IT ALSO AMAZING AFTER ALL OUR TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS

WE STILL CAN'T GET THE ESCALATOR HANDRAIL

TO GO THE SAME SPEED AS THE ESCALATOR.

"LOOKS LIKE MY HAND'S GONNA GET UP THERE BEFORE ME.

SEE YOU UP THERE, HAND.

I'D WAVE BUT I DON'T HAVE A HAND."

THE MOVING SIDEWALK?

THAT'S LIKE THE COUSIN OF THE ESCALATOR.

THOSE ARE SWEET.

THERE IS ALWAYS THAT MOMENT WHEN I'M GETTING OFF

A MOVING SIDEWALK WHERE I'M LIKE, "HOW DO I WALK AGAIN?

I HAVEN'T DONE IT IN LIKE 10 FEET.

LEARNING TO WALK AGAIN."

YOU EVER FIND YOURSELF WALKING ON A MOVING SIDEWALK?

YOU START PASSING PEOPLE.

FOR A SECOND, DON'T YOU FEEL BIONIC? YOU'RE LIKE, DUN-DUN-DUN.

"SEE YOU SLOWPOKES AT THE CINNABON." DUN-DUN-DUN.

"HE'S LIKE A PROFESSIONAL WALKER.

HE'S LIKE 'WALKER, TEXAS RANGER' WALKER."

HAVE YOU BEEN ON THE MOVING SIDEWALK THAT HAS THE ANNOUNCEMENT?

"SIDEWALK IS ENDING."

ARE WE THAT DUMB?

WERE THERE PEOPLE STANDING AT THE END,

"THIS IS GOING REAL SLOW NOW.

OH, IT STOPPED?

WHY DIDN'T THEY MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT?

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO LOOK DOWN. I'M BUSY DAYDREAMING HERE."

THAT'S JUST WEIRD.

I'M SO LAZY I STILL GET A KICK OUT OF AN AUTOMATIC DOOR.

STEP ON THE MAT, THE DOOR OPENS.

"DON'T MIND IF I DO.

THANK YOU, IMAGINARY DOORMAN."

DEFINITELY PREFER THAT OVER THE REVOLVING DOORS.

THOSE STRESS ME OUT. I'M LIKE...

"HOW FAST IS THIS BEAST GOING?"

OCCASIONALLY YOU'LL GO THROUGH A REVOLVING DOOR WITH A FRIEND,

THINK IT'LL BE FUN BUT THERE'S ALWAYS THAT MOMENT

WHEN YOU'RE IN THERE WHERE YOU'RE LIKE, "IF WE GET STUCK, I'M EATING YOU.

I GET HYPOGLYCEMIC.

THIS AIR IS FOR ME."

THOSE SWINGING WESTERN DOORS ARE JUST AWKWARD.

'CAUSE THEY'RE SO DRAMATIC YET THEY'RE USUALLY LEADING YOU INTO A PLACE

WHERE YOU DO NOT WANT ATTENTION.

LIKE THE BATHROOM

OR THE ADULT SECTION OF A VIDEO STORE.

"HEY, WHAT'S THROUGH HERE?" "THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN!"

I'M NOT EVEN A PORN GUY, BUT JUST ONCE

I'D LIKE TO GO UP TO THE CLERK IN ONE OF THOSE PLACES AND GO,

"EXCUSE ME, 'BUTT INVADERS.' YEAH, DOES THIS HAVE CURSING IN IT?

'CAUSE I'M GONNA BE WATCHING IT WITH MY CHURCH GROUP

AND WE DON'T APPRECIATE THAT LANGUAGE."

I DON'T EVEN FEEL COMFORTABLE WHEN I'M IN A MOVIE THEATER

AND THERE'S SOME GRAPHIC SEX SCENE.

YOU KNOW, SEAN PENN AND NAOMI WATTS ARE NAKED

AND I'M SITTING NEXT TO SOMEONE'S GRANDMA.

"YOU LIKE THAT, GRANDMA?

HELLO."

I'M KEEPING MY GRANDMA AWAY FROM HIM.

I WENT CAMPING RECENTLY FOR THIS NEXT JOKE.

I MARRIED A WOMAN WHO LOVES TO CAMP

AND I AM WHAT YOU WOULD CALL INDOORSY.

I'M SURPRISED WE CAN STILL GET PEOPLE TO CAMP.

"HEY, WANT TO BURN A COUPLE OF VACATION DAYS

SLEEPING ON THE GROUND OUTSIDE?"

UH, NO.

"WHAT IF I TOLD YOU YOU GET TO CRAP STANDING UP IN THE WOODS?"

I STILL WOULDN'T WANT TO GO.

"YOU'LL WAKE UP FREEZING COVERED IN A RASH."

ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO.

MY WIFE ALWAYS BRINGS UP, "CAMPING IS A TRADITION IN MY FAMILY."

HEY, IT WAS A TRADITION IN EVERYONE'S FAMILY

TILL WE CAME UP WITH THE HOUSE.

MY PARENTS NEVER TOOK ME CAMPING.

YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE THEY LOVED ME.

"IT'LL GET YOU CLOSER TO NATURE."

I WANT TO KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP PROFESSIONAL.

IF IT'S SO GREAT OUTSIDE

WHY ARE ALL THE BUGS TRYING TO GET IN MY HOUSE?

SOME PLACES YOU HAVE TO PAY TO CAMP.

YOU HAVE TO PAY TO SLEEP OUTSIDE.

THAT'S GOT TO BE INSULTING TO THE HOMELESS PEOPLE.

"HOW MUCH THIS COST YOU?"

"I LIVE OUT HERE!"

"THAT MUST BE REALLY EXPENSIVE."

OCCASIONALLY AT THE CAMPSITE YOU'LL SEE THE WINNEBAGO.

THAT'S KIND OF CHEATING, ISN'T IT?

"OH, THAT'S WHAT I FORGOT. MY HOUSE."

THERE'S ALWAYS THAT ONE COUPLE AT EVERY CAMPSITE

THAT'S BEEN CAMPING FOR WAY TOO LONG.

THEY HAVE THE FOLDING CHAIRS, THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS IN JULY.

"WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU FOR DINNER."

I'M SURE YOU WOULD.

NOW HOW DO I GET A PADLOCK ON MY TENT

SO WE'RE NOT EATEN BY MA AND PA DAHMER?

HAPPY CAMPER.

HAS ANYONE EVER REALLY BEEN A HAPPY CAMPER?

'CAUSE WHENEVER WE USE THAT TERM WE'RE BEING SARCASTIC.

"HE IS NOT A HAPPY CAMPER."

WHY DON'T WE JUST CALL HIM A CAMPER?

HE'S MISERABLE. YOU KNOW WHO'S A HAPPY CAMPER?

THE GUY LEAVING THE CAMPSITE.

HE'S THE HAPPIEST CAMPER. HE GETS TO TAKE A SHOWER.

HE RUINED CAMPING FOR ME.

TO BE FAIR, IT IS BEAUTIFUL DURING THE DAY.

BUT AT NIGHT YOU'RE ALWAYS LIKE, "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

THERE'S MONSTERS OUT THERE. I SEE THEIR EYES."

I PROBABLY WOULDN'T BE SO SCARED

IF I WASN'T SLEEPING IN A BAG.

"HEY, LET'S PREPACKAGE OURSELVES FOR THE SERIAL KILLER, HUH?

I CAN'T GET AWAY, CAN YOU?"

"I CAN HOP FOR A LITTLE, BUT I'M DEAD MEAT."

YOU EVER HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?

YOU ALWAYS LOOK AT YOUR FRIENDS, "NICE KNOWING YOU.

ANYONE WANT TO COME AND GET KILLED WITH ME

OR YOU WANT TO GET KILLED LOOKING FOR ME?

WE'RE ALL DEAD."

IT'S NOT JUST SERIAL KILLERS. THERE'S BEARS OUT THERE.

LAST TIME I WENT I GOT THIS PAMPHLET

THAT SAID IF A BEAR APPROACHES YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PLAY DEAD.

REALLY? WE'RE GONNA RELY ON MY ACTING SKILLS?

PLAY DEAD?

WHO CAME UP WITH THAT? MAYBE THE BEARS?

"PLAY DEAD, COVER YOURSELF IN HONEY,

CLIMB ON A LARGE WHITE PLATE.

DON'T TRY TO RUN AWAY FROM US"--

I MEAN, "THE BEARS."

HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?

"THERE'S A BEAR. UGH!"

HOPE THE BEAR THINKS WE DIE STANDING UP.

AS IF BEARS HAVE SOME ETHICAL CODE:

"I DON'T MESS WITH DEAD BODIES.

I'M A BEAR, NOT AN ANIMAL."

THAT WAS THE WORST IMPRESSION OF A BEAR EVER.

PLAY DEAD.

I'M NOT SAYING THAT STRATEGY DIDN'T WORK ONCE.

BUT WHEN THEY FIND A BODY THAT'S BEEN MAULED BY A BEAR,

HOW DO THEY KNOW THAT GUY WASN'T PLAYING DEAD?

MAYBE HE WAS THE BEST AT IT.

AND THE BEAR WAS LIKE, "GREAT PERFORMANCE,

BUT I'M STARVING

AND HE LOOKS LIKE A BURRITO."

WHY ARE WE EVEN CAMPING WHERE THERE'S WILD ANIMALS?

THAT WOULDN'T BE A SELLING POINT FOR ANYTHING ELSE.

"IT'S A BEAUTIFUL GOLF COURSE.

PLUS AROUND THE NINTH HOLE THERE'S A PACK OF WOLVES.

IF THEY START RUNNING AT YOU, JUST PLAY THROUGH."

THE ONLY THING I LIKE TO DO OUTSIDE

IS LIE IN A HAMMOCK.

THAT'S ALL ABOUT DOING NOTHING.

IT'S HARD TO DO ANYTHING ONCE YOU GET IN A HAMMOCK

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T GET OUT.

IT'S LIKE A GIANT NET FOR CATCHING LAZY PEOPLE.

"CAN'T EVEN DRINK IN THIS."

ALL YOU CAN DO IS RELAX.

YOU NEVER SEE SOMEONE CRYING IN A HAMMOCK.

"MY LIFE IS-- OH, THIS IS DELIGHTFUL."

YOU EVER GET IN A HAMMOCK WITH SOMEONE ELSE?

YOU'D BETTER BE DATING THEM.

'CAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO START A FAMILY.

I GOT IN A HAMMOCK WITH MY COUSIN,

HE STILL WON'T TALK TO ME.

HE MADE THE HAMMOCK A DIRTY THING.

HAMMOCK'S JUST THE OUTDOOR BED.

I FIND IT HARD TO GET OUT OF A REGULAR BED.

IT'S ALWAYS SAD IN THE MORNING.

"I'M GONNA MISS YOU.

YOU WERE WONDERFUL LAST NIGHT.

I DIDN'T WANT IT TO END."

WE NEVER WANT IT TO END, RIGHT?

THAT'S WHY THERE'S THE SNOOZE BAR.

NOTHING LIKE STARTING THE DAY OFF

WITH A LITTLE PROCRASTINATION.

"AS MY FIRST DECISION OF THE DAY,

I WILL GO BACK TO SLEEP."

HOW MANY PLANS HAS THE SNOOZE BAR DESTROYED?

YOU HEAR THE ALARM, YOU'RE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M NOT GOING TO THE GYM THIS MORNING.SNOOZE."

EIGHT MINUTES LATER YOU HEAR THE ALARM.

"YOU KNOW WHAT? I TOOK A LONG SHOWER YESTERDAY. SNOOZE."

EIGHT MINUTES LATER YOU HEAR THE ALARM.

"YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO ON WELFARE.SNOOZE."

THE BEST IS WHEN YOU WAKE UP, YOU LOOK AT THE CLOCK

AND YOU SEE YOU STILL HAVE TIME TO SLEEP.

IT'S LIKE FINDING $1,000.

"THIS IS MY LUCKY DAY/NIGHT/DAY!"

I USED TO HAVE A FUTON.

ANYONE EVER MAKE THAT MISTAKE?

IT'S LIKE SLEEPING ON A GRILL.

NEVER ENOUGH FU IN THE TON.

"IT'S A COUCH THAT TURNS INTO A BED."

THE MOST DISAPPOINTING TRANSFORMER OF ALL.

YOU EVER TRY AND MOVE A FUTON? IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU ALWAYS END UP FOLDING IT IN HALF AND DRAGGING IT AROUND

LIKE IT'S AN 800-LB TACO.

I DID SOME RESEARCH. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY FILL FUTONS WITH?

HATRED. "WE JUST STUFF IN THERE--"

THE ONLY THING MORE UNCOMFORTABLE THAN THE FUTON

IS THE BEAN-BAG CHAIR.

HAS ANYONE EVER SAT IN A BEAN-BAG CHAIR

AND THOUGHT, "THIS WAS A GOOD DECISION"?

YOU'RE ALWAYS LIKE, "HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS?

WHAT, DO I SCISSOR-KICK OR SOMETHING?"

AND HOW DO YOU SIT IN A BEAN-BAG CHAIR

WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM?

"WE GOT TO GET THIS ONE IN REHAB."

WHO EVEN CAME UP WITH THAT?

"HEY, YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE LOVE SITTING ON BEANS?"

NOT REALLY, BUT GO AHEAD.

"WELL, IT WOULD BE A BIG BAG FILLED WITH BEANS.

AND WE'D MAKE THE BAG VINYL SO WHEN YOU WERE WEARING SHORTS

IT WOULD STICK TO YOUR LEGS."

DO YOU EVEN WORK HERE?

I HAVE A NICE BED.

I DON'T BELIEVE IN MAKING THE BED THOUGH.

MY WIFE IS ALWAYS LIKE, "WHY DON'T YOU EVER MAKE THE BED?"

FOR THE SAME REASON I DON'T TIE MY SHOES AFTER I TAKE THEM OFF.

IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

YOU KNOW? WE'RE NOT PUTTING THIS THING IN STORAGE.

HELL, I'M HOPING TO COME BACK IN A COUPLE OF HOURS

AND I WOULD LIKE IT OPEN,

'CAUSE WHEN OUR BED IS MADE

IT'S COVERED IN 40 PILLOWS

LIKE WE'RE STOCKPILING AMMO

FOR THE GLOBAL PILLOW FIGHT.

I ASK MY WIFE, I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH ALL THESE PILLOWS?"

"THEY'RE FOR DECORATION."

HOW OFTEN ARE YOU GIVING A TOUR OF OUR BEDROOM?

AND HAS ANYONE EVER BEEN IMPRESSED BY PILLOWS?

LIKE SOMEONE'S GONNA LEAVE YOUR BEDROOM,

"I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE DOING THAT WELL.

THEY GOT LIKE 40-50 PILLOWS ON THAT BED.

THEY'RE ROLLING IN DOWN."

PILLOW JOKES IS THAT WHAT HE'S DOING?

I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS GOING TO BE SO EDGY.

I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SHOCKED INTO LAUGHTER.

EXCUSE ME.

I HAD A BED DAY TODAY. YOU EVER HANG OUT IN BED ALL DAY?

ANYONE ELSE DO HEROIN? NO?

THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

THOSE BED DAYS ARE THE BEST.

PEOPLE RARELY VOLUNTEER THAT INFORMATION.

"SORRY I'M LATE. I DIDN'T GET OUT OF BED UNTIL 5:00 P.M."

"OH, WERE YOU SICK?" "NO, I WAS IN HEAVEN.

JUST FANTASIZING ABOUT BEING IN A COMA."

BREAKFAST IN BED.

BREAKFAST IN BED, THAT IS A FANTASY.

'CAUSE IT GIVES YOU THE OPTION OF GOING BACK TO SLEEP WHEN YOU'RE DONE.

"IT WOULD BE RUDE TO EAT AND RUN.

I SHOULD STICK AROUND, SEE IF THERE'S LUNCH IN BED."

AND EATING WHILE YOU'RE LYING DOWN IS BEAUTIFUL.

TOO BAD HOSPITALS HAVE THAT SICKNESS REQUIREMENT,

'CAUSE I WOULD CHECK IN MANANA.

"WHAT ARE YOUR SYMPTOMS?"

I'M HUNGRY AND I COULD GO FOR A NAP.

STAT.

OF COURSE WHAT MAKES BREAKFAST IN BED SO SPECIAL

IS YOU'RE LYING DOWN AND EATING BACON--

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING ON EARTH.

- BACON.

BACON'S THE BEST.

EVEN THE FRYING OF BACON SOUNDS LIKE APPLAUSE.

IT'S LIKE...

YAY, BACON!

YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW GOOD BACON IS?

TO IMPROVE OTHER FOOD THEY WRAP IT IN BACON.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR BACON,

WE WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A WATER CHESTNUT IS.

"THANK YOU, BACON. SINCERELY, WATER CHESTNUT III."

AND THOSE BITS OF BACON?

BITS OF BACON ARE LIKE THE FAIRY DUST OF THE FOOD COMMUNITY.

YOU DON'T WANT THIS BAKED POTATO?

BRRRING!

NOW IT'S YOUR FAVORITE PART OF THE MEAL.

NOT INTERESTED IN A SALAD?

BIPPITY-BOPPITY BACON.

I JUST TURNED IT INTO AN ENTREE.

ONCE YOU PUT BACON IN A SALAD

IT'S NO LONGER A SALAD.

IT JUST BECOMES A GAME OF FIND THE BACON IN THE LETTUCE.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE PANNING FOR GOLD.

"EUREKA!"

BACON.

NOT TOO MANY WAYS TO PREPARE BACON.

YOU CAN EITHER FRY IT OR GET BOTULISM.

IT'S AMAZING THE SHRINKAGE THAT OCCURS.

YOU START WITH A POUND, YOU END UP WITH A BOOKMARK.

REALLY THE ONLY BAD PART ABOUT BACON

IS IT MAKES YOU THIRSTY FOR MORE BACON.

I NEVER FEEL LIKE I GET ENOUGH BACON.

AT BREAKFAST IT'S LIKE THEY'RE RATIONING IT.

"HERE'S YOUR TWO STRIPS OF BACON."

I WANT MORE!

MORE BACON!

WHENEVER YOU'RE AT A BRUNCH BUFFET

AND YOU SEE THAT BIG METAL TRAY FILLED WITH THE 4,000 PIECES OF BACON,

DON'T YOU ALMOST EXPECT A RAINBOW TO BE COMING OUT OF IT?

"I FOUND IT! I FOUND THE SOURCE OF ALL BACON!"

THAT BACON TRAY IS ALWAYS AT THE END OF THE BUFFET.

YOU REGRET ALL THE STUFF ON YOUR PLATE.

"WHAT AM I DOING WITH ALL THIS WORTHLESS FRUIT?

I SHOULD HAVE WAITED.

IF I HAD KNOWN YOU WERE HERE, I WOULD HAVE WAITED.

I WOULD EAT ONLY YOU, BACON."

BUT YOU CAN'T EAT ONLY BACON 'CAUSE IT'S TERRIBLE FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW BACON IS BAD WHEN A HEALTHIER CHOICE IS A DONUT.

BACON IS LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF MEDICINE.

IT'S LIKE, "TAKE THAT, LIPITOR. I'M BACON."

WE'VE KNOWN BACON IS BAD FOR US FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS.

IT'S LITERALLY A RESTRICTION ON ENTERING CERTAIN RELIGIONS.

"OUR RULES: NO KILLING, NO CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE, NO BACON--"

"WHOA WHOA WHOA. WHAT WAS THAT LAST ONE?"

"NO BACON."

"I'M IN THE WRONG LINE.

IS THERE A BACON LINE AROUND HERE?"

HOW MANY BACON JOKES IS THIS GUY GONNA DO?

I MEAN, I LIKE BACON BUT COME ON.

THE PIG IS AN AMAZING ANIMAL.

YOU FEED A PIG AN APPLE, IT MAKES BACON.

I FIND THAT IMPRESSIVE.

LET'S SEE MICHAEL PHELPS DO THAT, HUH?

THE PIG, THE PIG IS TURNING AN APPLE--

ESSENTIALLY GARBAGE--

INTO BACON.

THAT'S MAGIC.

OR THE MOST SUCCESSFUL RECYCLING PROGRAM EVER.

REALLY, THE PIG IS MAN'S BEST FRIEND.

I LOVE DOGS, BUT PIGS WOULD BE GOOD COMPANIONS.

THEN WHEN THEY DIE, YOU COULD HAVE A BARBECUE.

"SORRY YOUR PIG DIED.

CAN I COME OVER FOR BREAKFAST?

AND HAVE SOME BACON?"

BACON IS THAT GOOD.

I BET IF YOU PUT BITS OF BACON ON A STRIP OF BACON

YOU COULD TRAVEL BACK IN TIME.

IT'S LIKE A TASTY VORTEX.

BE KIND OF REDUNDANT FOR ME

'CAUSE I WOULD JUST TRAVEL BACK TO WHEN I WAS EATING BACON.

IT WOULD BE A BACON-TO-BACON TIME-SPACE CONTINUUM.

THAT'S A NERDY-ASS BACON JOKE.

FATBACK-- SUPPOSEDLY FATBACK IS LIKE BACON ON STEROIDS.

I'VE NEVER TRIED FATBACK.

PROBABLY 'CAUSE IT'S CALLED FATBACK.

I DON'T KNOW WHICH WORD CREEPS ME OUT MORE--

FAT OR BACK.

WHY DON'T THEY JUST THROW IN "HAIRY" WHILE THEY'RE AT IT?

"SOME DELICIOUS HAIRY FATBACK.

THAT REMINDS ME-- YOUR UNCLE CALLED."

THAT'S GOTTA BE THE END OF THE BACON JOKES.

I EVEN LIKE THE NAME BACON.

YOU CAN'T TELL ME THE SUCCESS OF KEVIN BACON

ISN'T SOMEHOW TIED TO HIS NAME.

YOU'RE NOT GOING OUT TO SEE A KEVIN HOT-DOG MOVIE.

"WHO'S IN THIS MOVIE? KEVIN BACON?

SOUNDS GOOD."

BACON!

I LIKE MEAT, I DO. BUT YOU KNOW WHO SEEMS TO BE REALLY OBSESSED WITH MEAT

ARE VEGETARIANS.

FOR PEOPLE THAT DON'T LIKE MEAT, THEY SEEM

TO EAT A LOT OF VEGETABLES THAT ARE MASHED UP

AND SHAPED TO LOOK LIKE MEAT.

"I FIND MEAT REPULSIVE. I'LL HAVE A VEGGIE BURGER WITH FAKE BACON

AND CAN YOU SERVE IT TO ME DRESSED LIKE A COW?

I DON'T LIKE MEAT. I JUST LIKE TO CALL MEAT LATE AT NIGHT AND HANG UP.

LET'S DRIVE BY MEAT'S HOUSE. DOES MEAT EVER ASK ABOUT ME?

I DON'T CARE. * I AIN'T MISSING YOU AT ALL

* MISSING YOU. "

NEVER SEE THAT THE OTHER WAY.

"I WILL HAVE THE STEAK AND CAN YOU MAKE IT TASTE LIKE TOFU?"

MY WIFE REFUSES TO EAT MEAT BECAUSE SHE FEELS IT'S CRUEL TO ANIMALS,

WHICH INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH IS THE SAME REASON

WHY I DON'T EAT VEGETABLES.

I'M A VEGETABLE-RIGHTS ACTIVIST.

EXCEPT FOR THE POTATO-- THEY CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING.

I DO LOVE ANIMALS. I'VE NEVER LOOKED AT A COW

AND THOUGHT, "I WANT TO EAT THAT."

BUT ONCE THAT COW IS SLAUGHTERED, DRAINED OF ALL ITS BLOOD,

CHOPPED UP AND PUT ON A GRILL, I GET HUNGRY.

COW-WWW!

IT DEFINITELY HELPS IF IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE AN ANIMAL.

"THIS HAM SANDWICH DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A PIG TO ME."

BUT RIBS? THERE'S NO GETTING AROUND RIBS.

'CAUSE THEY'RE RIBS.

IT'S AMAZING HOW CASUALLY WE ORDER--

"YEAH, I WILL HAVE THE BABY BACK RIBS.

AND CAN YOU WHEEL IT OUT IN A STROLLER?

I'M GONNA START WITH THE BABY CHICKEN LEGS.

I'M GONNA HAVE AN ALL-BABY MEAL."

HEY, BUDDY, I USED TO BE A BABY.

HOW DO YOU EAT RIBS WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE A CAVEMAN ANYWAY?

"EXCUSE ME WHILE I TEAR THE FLESH FROM THIS BONE.

I NEED THE ENERGY FOR WHEN I CLUB YOU LATER ON."

I LIKE ALL KINDS OF MEAT, EVEN BOLOGNA.

I KNEW HE WAS WHITE TRASH.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF BOLOGNA IS A MEAT.

I DON'T THINK MEAT'S SUPPOSED TO CATCH ON FIRE LIKE THAT.

WHAT'S INTERESTING ABOUT BOLOGNA-- IT'S NOT JUST A MEAT, IT'S AN INSULT.

"THAT'S A BUNCH OF BOLOGNA. YOU'RE FULL OF BOLOGNA."

THAT KIND OF IMPLIES BOLOGNA MAKES YOU LIE.

I EAT BOLOGNA ALL THE TIME...

OR MAYBE I DON'T.

MAYBE THAT'S JUST THE BOLOGNA TALKING.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE BOLOGNA THAT HAS THE OLIVES IN IT?

WHO IS THAT FOR?

"I LIKE MY BOLOGNA LIKE A MARTINI--

WITH AN OLIVE."

I'LL HAVE THE BOLOGNA SANDWICH, DIRTY.

EVERYTHING ABOUT BOLOGNA IS SILLY.

WHO DECIDED ON THE PRONUNCIATION OF THE WORD "BOLOGNA"?

"ALL RIGHT, HOW DO YOU WANT TO PRONOUNCE THIS WORD?" "BALONEY!"

"I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW, THERE'S A 'G' IN THE WORD."

"I DON'T SEE NO 'G' IN BALONEY."

"OKAY, THE WORD DOES END WITH AN 'A.'"

"WE'RE GOING WITH BALONEY!

TRUST ME, I CAME UP WITH 'COLONEL.'"

YOU EVER BEEN READING AND YOU COME ACROSS THE WORD "COLONEL,"

YOU'RE LIKE, "'COLOK-- COLOWK-- COLONIAL--

SOMEONE IMPORTANT.'

THIS READING'S HARD! WHERE'S MY TV?"

SOME READING IS HARD. SOMEONE HANDS ME A LEGAL DOCUMENT

I PASS OUT. I'M LIKE, PFFFFT!

WHAT, DO THEY SPRAY THESE WITH CHLOROFORM?

"WHEREAS THE AFOREMENTIONED, HEREBY KNOWN AS PROPRIETOR--"

WHO WROTE THIS, SHAKESPEARE?

AND WHY DOES IT TAKE 80 PAGES

TO COMMUNICATE, "I WILL OWE YOU MONEY THE REST OF MY LIFE"?

WHENEVER I GET A LEGAL DOCUMENT IT ALWAYS HAS THOSE RED POSTIE NOTES

WITH THE ARROWS ON THEM. I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A LIVE EPISODE

OF "DORA THE EXPLORER." "WHERE SHOULD YOU SIGN?"

HERE? "YOU DID IT!"

* DOO DOO DOO DU-DOO DOO DU-DOO DOO. *

I'VE NEVER READ A LEGAL DOCUMENT.

I'VE SIGNED A COUPLE OF 'EM.

THAT'S WHY THERE'S SO MANY LAWYERS.

"HOW MUCH WOULD I HAVE TO PAY YOU TO READ THIS?"

"$500... AN HOUR."

"THAT SEEMS REASONABLE.

JUST MAKE SURE I'M NOT GIVING AWAY A KID OR ANYTHING."

IT'S LAZINESS. I THINK YOU KNOW YOU'RE LAZY

WHEN YOU FIND RECYCLING A PAIN IN THE ASS.

"I'VE GOT TO FIGURE OUT WHICH GARBAGE CAN TO PUT THIS IN?!

WHAT AM I, A CHEMIST?"

AT HOME MY WIFE'S ALWAYS LIKE, "DID YOU RINSE OUT THAT SODA CAN?"

"I HAVEN'T SHOWERED TODAY.

MAYBE I SHOULD CLEAN MYSELF

BEFORE I START WASHING THE GARBAGE."

RECYCLING IS A LITTLE BIT MORE OF A PAIN THAN THEY LET ON.

"WE'RE GONNA START RECYCLING NEWSPAPERS."

"OH GREAT. I'VE GOT SOME NEWSPAPERS RIGHT HERE."

"YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BUNDLE THOSE UP IN TWINE."

"TWINE?

WHERE DO YOU EVEN FIND TWINE?"

"YOU'LL HAVE TO GO TO YOUR HARDWARE STORE."

"I'M JUST NOT GONNA READ NEWSPAPERS.

IT SOUNDS EASIER THAN FINDING TWINE.

WHAT IS THIS, 'LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE?'

MAYBE NEXT TIME PA GOES INTO TOWN TO GET SOME FEED,

HE CAN PICK UP SOME TWINE AND ROCK CANDY."

TWINE.

I'M SURE YOU'RE LIKE US. WE TRY AND DO OUR PART.

WE BUY THE DIFFERENT COLORED GARBAGE BAGS.

I ALWAYS FEEL WEIRD BUYING GARBAGE BAGS.

YOU BUY GARBAGE BAGS, THEY PUT 'EM IN A GROCERY BAG,

YOU BRING YOUR GROCERIES HOME, YOU TAKE THE GARBAGE BAGS OUT OF THE GROCERY BAG,

THEN YOU PUT THE GROCERY BAG IN THE GARBAGE BAG!

AM I BEING "PUNK'D"?

YOU EVER BEEN AT HOME, YOU GO TO THROW SOMETHING OUT,

YOU SEE THE GARBAGE CAN NEEDS A BAG?

ARE YOU LIKE ME AND THINK, "I'M GONNA WAIT FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO DO THAT?

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M DONE WITH THESE ORANGE PEELS YET.

LATER ON I MIGHT MAKE SOME POTPOURRI OR SOMETHING.

I'LL JUST PUT THAT ON THE COUNTER,

COVER IT WITH A PAPER TOWEL.

IT'S LIKE I WAS NEVER HERE."

MY WIFE STOPPED BUYING PAPER TOWELS.

THEY'RE BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT-- WHICH SURPRISED ME.

I GUESS WE SHOULD KNOW PAPER TOWELS ARE BAD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.

THEY DO HAVE A LUMBERJACK ON THE LABEL.

THAT GUY'S ALWAYS STANDING THERE LIKE,

"LET'S DESTROY THE OZONE TOGETHER.

I'LL CLEAR-CUT THIS FOREST; YOU DRIVE AN S.U.V."

IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY, UNDER ONE ARM

HE'S SMOTHERING AN OWL.

THAT BRAWNY GUY'S GONNA KICK HIS ASS!

OBVIOUSLY WE ALL CARE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT,

EXCEPT FOR THOSE PEOPLE THAT ARE THROWING

FULL BAGS OF GARBAGE OUT ON THE HIGHWAY.

YOU EVER BEEN DRIVING DOWN THE HIGHWAY AND SEE A FULL BAG OF GARBAGE?

WOULDN'T YOU LOVE TO MEET THAT GUY?

I'M TOO LAZY TO EMPTY MY GARBAGE;

HE'S TAKING HIS FOR A RIDE.

WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE CAR? "HOW YOU DOING, GARBAGE?!

YOU'RE GETTING OUT HERE!

IF YOU'RE NOT TALKING, YOU'RE WALKING!"

THAT JOKE DIDN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

MY WIFE'S INTO THE ORGANIC PRODUCTS.

I DIDN'T KNOW THIS-- "ORGANIC" IS A GROCERY TERM

MEANING "TWICE AS EXPENSIVE."

SHE BOUGHT ME A NATURAL DEODORANT.

PRINTED ON THE LABEL, IT SAID "DOES NOT WORK."

AT LEAST THEY'RE BEING HONEST.

IT'S BETTER THAN NO DEODORANT.

WE ALL HAVE THAT FRIEND THAT'S LIKE, "YOU REALLY DON'T NEED TO WEAR DEODORANT."

"YEAH, BUT YOU DO."

"WELL, IT'S NOT NATURAL."

"NEITHER IS CRAPPING INDOORS."

"IT'S BAD FOR ME TO WEAR DEODORANT."

"I'M SUFFERING FROM SOME SECONDHAND B.O. RIGHT NOW."

IT'S INTERESTING ALL THE DIFFERENT SCENTS THEY HAVE FOR DEODORANT.

YOU KNOW WHAT SCENT THEY SHOULD HAVE IS BACON.

TALK ABOUT GETTING SOMEONE TO CRAVE YOU.

"I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT I WANT TO HAVE BREAKFAST WITH HIM."

I BOUGHT SOME SPEED STICK.

WHAT'S INTERESTING ABOUT SPEED STICK,

IT ACTUALLY SMELLS WORSE THAN B.O.

WHAT'S THAT MADE OUT OF? URINAL CAKES?

YOU EVER WEAR A DIFFERENT DEODORANT THAN NORMAL?

FOR THE REST OF THE DAY, DOESN'T IT SEEM LIKE

THERE'S A STRANGER STANDING BEHIND YOU?

"AM I BEING FOLLOWED...

BY A PINE TREE?"

I'M GLAD I'M WEARING A BUTTON-UP SHIRT.

I'VE YET TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO PUT ON DEODORANT

AND THEN PUT ON A T-SHIRT WITHOUT GETTING A SPOT HERE,

HERE, THE MIDDLE OF MY BACK.

WHAT, WAS I WRESTLING IT?

I GOT MY ASS KICKED BY MY DEODORANT!

I WENT TO THE DRUGSTORE. THEY SELL EVERYTHING IN DRUGSTORES.

I REMEMBER WHEN IT WAS JUST LIKE DRUGS AND DEODORANT.

NOW YOU'RE LIKE, "WELL, I GOT THIS CHOLESTEROL MEDICATION.

I GUESS I'LL GET SOME ICE CREAM,

A KING-SIZE SNICKERS

AND A CASKET."

IT'S AN INTERESTING DYNAMIC IN THE DRUGSTORE.

'CAUSE THERE'S THE PEOPLE THAT WORK ON THE DRUGSTORE FLOOR

THAT ALWAYS SEEM LIKE THEY WANT TO QUIT OR KILL THEMSELVES.

THEN THERE'S THE PHARMACIST IN THE BACK

IN THAT GLASS CAGE IN A WHITE LAB COAT

LIKE THEY'RE THE WIZARD.

IN COMMERCIALS, THE PHARMACIST IS ALWAYS THE NICEST GUY ON EARTH.

"HEY, HOW YOU DOING? THIS PRESCRIPTION'S ON ME."

IN REALITY, DOESN'T IT ALWAYS SEEM LIKE

YOU'RE INCONVENIENCING THE PHARMACIST?

THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I WAS WORKING ON MY TIME MACHINE."

"I NEED THESE PILLS." "YEAH, IT'S GONNA BE LIKE FIVE HOURS.

WHY DON'T YOU GO AND SIT ON THAT METAL CHAIR

ACROSS FROM THE CONDOMS?"

YOU EVER SIT ON THAT METAL CHAIR?

IT'S HUMILIATING.

PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS THINKING, "WHAT KIND OF DISEASE DOES HE HAVE?!"

"I GOT A LOT OF 'EM!

JUST HANGING OUT WITH THE CONDOMS."

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE WAIT'S FOR.

WHY DOES IT TAKE FIVE HOURS

TO PUT SIX PILLS IN AN ORANGE CUP?

WHAT, ARE THEY TRYING TO HIT IT FROM 10' AWAY?

"TELL HIM TO COME BACK.

NOW I KNOW WHY I'M A PHARMACIST,

NOT A BASKETBALL PLAYER."

I'M ACTUALLY WINDED FROM DOING THAT.

HE WAS OUT OF SHAPE.

I SHOULD WORK OUT.

IT'S HARD TO FIND TIME TO WORK OUT

WHEN YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO.

"YEAH, CAN'T DO IT NOW 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO.

AND LATER ON I'M NOT GONNA BE INTERESTED."

"IT ONLY TAKES 20 MINUTES A DAY, JUST 20 MINUTES."

"YEAH, THAT'S TOO MANY.

CAN YOU MAKE IT NO MINUTES?"

THOSE WORKOUT CLOTHES ARE COMFORTABLE...

TO WATCH TELEVISION IN, HUH?

THANKS TO NIKE, I THINK I'LL FINISH

THIS "LAW & ORDER" MARATHON.

I DO BELONG TO A HEALTH CLUB. I SEE THAT MEMBERSHIP CARD

EVERY TIME I'M AT WENDY'S GETTING A TRIPLE.

I THINK THOSE MEMBERSHIP CARDS ARE KIND OF SCARY

'CAUSE OBVIOUSLY THEY EXIST BECAUSE AT ONE TIME

THERE WERE PEOPLE SNEAKING IN

TO WORK OUT.

THAT'S LIKE BREAKING IN TO THE GAP TO FOLD SWEATERS.

THAT WAS CUTE.

I AM TRYING TO BE MORE RESPONSIBLE.

I'M A FATHER NOW. THAT'S RIGHT.

I BECAME A PRIEST. THANK YOU.

BLESS YOU.

IT'S INTERESTING. WHEN I WAS SINGLE,

I NEVER REALLY SAW MYSELF AS A FAMILY MAN,

BUT NOW THAT I'M MARRIED

AND I HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN,

IT'S REALLY MADE ME APPRECIATE

BEING ALONE.

IT'S HARD.

MY DAUGHTER'S FOUR. MY SON'S TWO.

I TELL YOU IT'S EXHAUSTING

WATCHING MY WIFE DO ALL THAT WORK.

SHE SHOULD GET SOME HELP.

I CAN BARELY NAP THROUGH THE SCREAMING.

MY WIFE DOES DO EVERYTHING.

IT'S HARD TO COMPLAIN AROUND THE MOTHER OF A SMALL CHILD.

"YEAH, I DIDN'T GET MUCH SLEEP LAST NIGHT."

"OH REALLY? I SLEPT FOR A MINUTE.

AND I WAS BREASTFEEDING DURING THAT MINUTE."

"THAT'S ROUGH. CAN YOU GET ME A BEER?"

HE IS A JERK.

TELL YA, EXPLAINING THINGS TO MY KIDS

MAKES ME REALIZE HOW LITTLE I KNOW.

RECENTLY MY SON POINTED TO AN ANTENNA AND SAID, "LOOK, DADDY, STICK!"

I SAID, "ACTUALLY, THAT'S AN ANTENNA"

HE GOES, "WHAT'S AN ANTENNA?" "IT'S A STICK.

IT'S A SILVER STICK. YOU NAILED IT, BUDDY."

I ALWAYS FEEL DUMB.

IT DOESN'T HELP THAT MY WIFE SPELLS EVERYTHING IN FRONT OF MY KIDS.

"DON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT THE I-C-E-C-R-E-A-M."

"WHO'S IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM?

AND WHY DO I WANT A DILLY BAR?"

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T SAY THE WORDS "ICE CREAM" IN FRONT OF A FOUR-YEAR-OLD.

THEY HEAR A COMMITMENT. "YEAH, I'LL HAVE ICE CREAM."

"DADDY WAS JUST SAYING THE WORDS 'ICE CREAM.'"

"I'LL HAVE IT RIGHT NOW. CHOCOLATE."

I WENT TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR A FOUR-YEAR-OLD.

THAT WAS AWKWARD.

PROBABLY 'CAUSE I WASN'T INVITED.

THE CAKE CAME OUT. I LOVE HOW WE SERVE ICE CREAM WITH CAKE.

"YOU KNOW WHAT'D BE GOOD WITH THIS SUGAR BREAD? SOME FROZEN SUGAR MILK.

LET'S GIVE IT TO THE FOUR-YEAR-OLDS, SEE HOW THEY RESPOND.

THEY'RE GOING CRAZY."

MY SON'S BEEN WALKING FOR A WHILE.

IT'S AMAZING. BABIES, THEY LEARN TO WALK

AND THEY'RE ALREADY TRYING TO GET AWAY.

"TIME FOR A BATH."

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHAT, YOU GOT AN ESCAPE CAR OUTSIDE?

YOU CAN'T REACH THE DOORKNOB, YOU ONLY KNOW US;

WHAT'S YOUR PLAN?"

THINK IT THROUGH, BUDDY.

THINK IT THROUGH.

'COURSE IF YOU HAVE A BOY, YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE CIRCUMCISION QUESTION.

MEN LOVE THAT TOPIC. "COULD YOU TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE

LIKE PRISON RAPE? ANYTHING."

"CIRCUMCISION" IS A SCARY WORD.

I LOOKED IT UP IN THE DICTIONARY. IT JUST SAID "OW!

FROM THE LATIN FOR 'AH!'"

WE WENT THROUGH WITH IT

ONLY 'CAUSE MY SON REQUESTED IT.

IT IS PRETTY CRAZY. OBVIOUSLY IT STARTED AS A RELIGIOUS TRADITION,

CIRCUMCISION, BUT HOW'D THEY EVEN COME UP WITH THE IDEA?

WERE THERE A BUNCH OF RELIGIOUS LEADERS GATHERED

AND ONE GUY WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, HOW SHALL WE HONOR GOD?"

ANOTHER ONE'S GOING, "I SAY WE DON'T EAT PORK."

"I DON'T KNOW. I LIKE BACON.

ANYONE GOT ANYTHING ELSE?"

"WHAT IF WE CUT OFF PART OF OUR PENIS?"

"ALL RIGHT, NO PORK. WE'LL GO NO PORK.

I WANT THAT MAN REMOVED!"

MY WIFE TOLD ME THAT IN THE BIBLE

ABRAHAM CIRCUMCISED HIMSELF.

WOW.

I CAN'T EVEN GET TO THE BANK BEFORE IT CLOSES.

ABRAHAM DID IT. GOD TOLD HIM TO DO IT.

I WOULD'VE LOVED TO HAVE OVERHEARD THAT CONVERSATION.

"ABRAHAM." "OH HEY, GOD. HOW ARE YOU DOING?"

"I NEED YOU TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME." "SURE, YOU'RE GOD."

"I NEED YOU TO CIRCUMCISE YOURSELF."

"I THINK WE GOT A BAD CONNECTION.

COULD YOU SEND ME AN EMAIL? ARE YOU ON FACEBOOK YET?"

I TELL YOU THOSE CHALLENGES IN THE BIBLE

TOOK A LEAP IN DIFFICULTY.

"DON'T EAT THIS APPLE. BUILD ME A BOAT.

CUT OFF PART OF YOUR PENIS."

"WHAT IF I BUILD YOU TWO BOATS?"

HOW DID ABRAHAM EVEN TELL HIS WIFE?

MAYBE HE DIDN'T. HE WAS JUST GETTING OUT OF THE SHOWER,

SHE WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE?"

"HONEY, I CAN EXPLAIN.

GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT."

"IF GOD TOLD YOU TO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE--

IF GOD TOLD YOU TO SACRIFICE OUR FIRST--"

"ACTUALLY, I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THAT ONE."

YEAH, ABRAHAM, HE WENT THROUGH THE WRINGER.

IT'S NOT LIKE JESUS HAD A CAKEWALK THOUGH.

YOU THINK JESUS EVER TRIED TO TALK GOD OUT OF SOME OF THAT STUFF?

"HEY, DAD, YOU KNOW THAT WHOLE CRUCIFIXION THING?"

"YES, YOU'RE DYING ON THE CROSS FOR ALL MANKIND'S SINS."

"YEAH YEAH, HEAR ME OUT.

WHAT IF INSTEAD OF THAT WE DID A BIG FUNDRAISER?"

"NO. NOW GET CRACKING ON YOUR MIRACLES."

JESUS PERFORMED SO MANY MIRACLES.

DO YOU THINK THE CARPENTRY EVER CAME UP WHEN HE WAS DOING THE MIRACLES?

"JESUS, IF YOU COULD CURE OUR SON'S BLINDNESS--

AND WE'D LOVE SOME SHELVES RIGHT HERE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WANT TO DO THE BLINDNESS, THEN THE SHELVES.

WE NEED THE SHELVES BY TUESDAY.

OF COURSE WE'D LOVE OUR SON TO SEE THOSE SHELVES."

JESUS HAD THE APOSTLES-- TRAVELING WITH 12 GUYS?

YOU GET LIKE FIVE GUYS TOGETHER, A FISTFIGHT STARTS.

IF I WERE JESUS, I WOULD'VE SNAPPED.

I WOULD'VE BEEN LIKE, "STOP FOLLOWING ME!

WOULD ONE OF YOU SHAVE? WE LOOK LIKE A HOMELESS FOOTBALL TEAM."

HE'S GOING TO HELL FOR THAT JOKE.

THE APOSTLES ARE ALWAYS USED AN EXAMPLE

OF PEOPLE THAT GAVE UP EVERYTHING TO FOLLOW JESUS.

THEY GAVE UP EVERYTHING, BUT THEY WERE FISHERMEN.

IT'S NOT LIKE THEY WERE INVESTMENT BANKERS.

JESUS WENT UP TO 'EM, "HEY, YOU KNOW HOW YOU'RE SITTING OUT HERE

IN THE BLISTERING HEAT TRYING TO CATCH FISH IN THE DEAD SEA?"

"YEAH, IT SUCKS."

"YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ME? I'M GOD.

BY THE WAY, I CAN TURN WATER INTO WINE."

"ALL RIGHT. I'LL GO WITH YOU."

"ONE CONDITION: YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP EVERYTHING,

AND I MEAN EVERYTHING."

"SO I LEAVE THE POLE HERE?"

"NO, YOU CAN BRING THE POLE."

THE APOSTLES-- HOW'D THEY COME UP WITH THAT NAME?

DO YOU THINK ONE OF THE APOSTLES WAS LIKE,

"HEY, JESUS, ME AND THE GUYS WERE TALKING."

I DON'T KNOW WHY HE SOUNDS LIKE THAT.

MAYBE HE'S THE APOSTLE FROM BROOKLYN.

"JESUS, ME AND THE GUYS WERE TALKING.

WE THINK WE NEED A NAME."

JESUS IS LIKE, "WHATEVER. I DON'T CARE."

"WHAT ABOUT THIS NAME: 'THE APOSTLES'?

MAYBE 'THE DISCIPLES.'

WE COULD GET SOME LEATHER JACKETS,

GET A BIG BIRD ON THE BACK."

JESUS IS LIKE, "WHATEVER.WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE MARTYRED."

"BUT WE CAN STILL GET THE JACKETS, RIGHT?"

I DON'T LIKE THOSE RELIGION JOKES.

THEY MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

WE ALL KNOW JESUS HAD THE APOSTLES, BUT DID HE HAVE A BEST FRIEND?

WAS EVER LIKE, "I THINK EVERYONE KNOWS THE APOSTLES

AND THIS IS MY BUDDY EARL.

WE WERE IN A MARCHING BAND TOGETHER.

HE THINKS THIS WHOLE MESSIAH THING IS CR-AZY!"

HE'S GOING TO HELL FOR THAT.

HEAVEN. I HOPE HEAVEN'S NICE.

WE KIND OF BUILT IT UP DOWN HERE, DIDN'T WE?

WE COMPARE EVERYTHING TO HEAVEN.

IT'S LIKE, "OH, TRY THIS PIE. IT'S LIKE HEAVEN."

WHAT IF WE GOT TO HEAVEN AND THEY'RE LIKE, "NO PIE!"

"NO PIE? ON EARTH--"

"YEAH, THOSE PEOPLE AREN'T COMING UP HERE."

WEST VIRGINIA-- THE STATE SLOGAN OF WEST VIRGINIA

IS "ALMOST HEAVEN, WEST VIRGINIA,"

WHICH SOUNDS COOL, BUT THAT'S NOT THE BEST PROMOTION FOR HEAVEN.

BASED ON THAT, IF I'M A GOOD GUY ALL MY LIFE

WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO A PLACE

A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN WEST VIRGINIA?

I MEAN IT'S BEAUTIFUL,

BUT THAT KIND OF MAKES ME WANT TO TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT HELL.

HE WENT TOO FAR.

I DIDN'T LIKE THAT JOKE AT ALL.

IT MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

I KNOW RELIGION JOKES MAKE SOME PEOPLE UNCOMFORTABLE

AND I CALL THEM SINNERS.

MY WIFE IS VERY CATHOLIC.

IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO A CATHOLIC MASS,

IT'S STILL GOING ON.

IT NEVER REALLY ENDS.

THEY JUST LOOP IT AROUND.

I CAN NEVER GET MY WIFE TO LEAVE WHEN CHURCH IS OVER.

SHE'S ALWAYS LIKE, "WHY DON'T WE STAY AND TALK TO THE WEIRDEST PEOPLE HERE?"

SHE DOESN'T CONSIDER ME A REAL CATHOLIC

'CAUSE I DON'T GO TO CHURCH

OR FOLLOW ANY OF THE CHURCH TEACHINGS,

BUT OCCASIONALLY I'LL ROOT FOR NOTRE DAME...

SO I'M CATHOLIC.

I THINK IT'S INTERESTING

HOW CATHOLICS AND PROTESTANTS DIDN'T GET ALONG.

HOW DID THAT PLAY OUT? "YOU SEE THOSE PEOPLE OVER THERE

WITH THE ALMOST IDENTICAL BELIEFS AS MINE?

I WANT TO KILL THEM.

'CAUSE MY GOD'S ALL ABOUT LOVE."

MY GRANDMA WOULD HATE THOSE JOKES.

TWO WEEKS AGO WAS MY GRANDMOTHER'S 101st BIRTHDAY.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

WELL, IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. SHE DIED 20 YEARS AGO.

THAT'S A TRICK JOKE!

THIS HAS BEEN A FUN TOUR. I'VE BEEN TRAVELING FOR A WHILE.

I GET EMAILS EVERY WEEK FROM FRIENDS.

"HEY, WHEN YOU COME TO TOWN, YOU HAVE TO STAY WITH US."

NO, I DON'T.

'CAUSE EVERYONE'S HOUSE HAS THEIR OWN KIND OF SMELL.

"ARE YOU GUYS MAKING VITAMINS IN HERE?

WHO'S COOKING THE FEET?

'CAUSE THEY ARE DONE."

YOU NEVER GET OFFERED A REAL BED.

"YOU CAN CRASH ON THE FUTON."

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS GETTING DRUNK TONIGHT.

THEY ALWAYS OFFER THE FUTON OR THE AIR BED.

THE AIR BED? I REMEMBER WHEN THAT WAS JUST CALLED A RAFT.

"DO I GET A KICKBOARD AS A PILLOW?"

THEY ALWAYS HAVE A SCHEDULE TOO.

"WE WERE THINKING BREAKFAST AROUND 7:00."

"THINK AGAIN.

NOW WHERE CAN I WATCH TV ALL DAY IN MY UNDERWEAR?"

YOU'RE ALWAYS IN TROUBLE AS THE HOUSE GUEST.

"WHO LEFT THAT DAMN PORCH LIGHT ON?!"

"I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR THE BATHROOM."

"THAT'S ALL RIGHT. WE JUST WANT YOU TO FEEL BAD FOR AN HOUR."

YOU NEVER WAKE UP AT THE RIGHT TIME.

YOU WAKE UP A COUPLE MINUTES AFTER THEM--

"NICE OF YOU TO JOIN US.

WE THOUGHT YOU FELL INTO A COMA."

"WE JUST WANT YOU TO FEEL BAD FOR AN HOUR."

YOU EVER STAY AT SOMEONE'S PLACE AND THEY'RE NOT THERE?

THAT'S WEIRD-- GOING THROUGH THEIR STUFF.

"THESE PEOPLE GOT SOME WEIRD HABITS."

I STAYED AT MY BROTHER'S PLACE FOR A WHILE.

HE HAS A BAR IN HIS HOUSE, WHICH IS COOL,

BUT HOW DO YOU HAVE A BAR IN YOUR HOUSE

AND NOT ADMIT YOU HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF A DRINKING PROBLEM?

"I'M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC.

I JUST NEED A ROOM DEDICATED TO BOOZE.

HERE'S WHERE I WATCH TV. HERE'S WHERE WE EAT.

I GET TANKED OVER HERE.

GOT A PORN CLOSET IN THE BACK.

CRACK DEN'S DOWNSTAIRS."

IS HE DRUNK? I THINK HE'S DRUNK.

THERE IS ALWAYS THAT TRAVEL PRESSURE,

THE EATING TRAVEL PRESSURE.

IT'S LIKE, "OH, YOU'RE GOING TO AUSTIN. YOU GOTTA GET BARBECUE.

GOTTA GET BARBECUE IN AUSTIN." EVERY CITY HAS A FOOD THEY'RE FAMOUS FOR.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE THERE WAS A MEETING.

"OKAY, CHICAGO, WHAT DO YOU PICK?" "DEEP-DISH PIZZA."

"PHILADELPHIA?" "CHEESE STEAK."

"OKAY. BOSTON?" "BEANS."

"YOU WANT BEANS?"

"YEAH, BEANS ARE AWESOME!

THEY'RE WICKED AWESOME! THE YANKEES SUCK

AND DUNKIN' DONUTS ROCKS!

DUNKIN' DONUTS! DUNKIN' DONUTS!"

NEW ENGLAND LOVES THEIR DUNKIN' DONUTS.

SOME PEOPLE LOVE DUNKIN' DONUTS TOO MUCH.

"DUNKIN' DONUTS IS AWESOME!"

UH, I THINK THEY'RE JUST MAKING DONUTS, NOT CURING LUPUS.

I LIKE DUNKIN' DONUTS,

BUT HAVE YOU BEEN TO A DUNKIN' DONUTS

THAT DOESN'T HAVE A HOMELESS GUY STANDING IN FRONT?

IS THAT PART OF THE DESIGN PLANS?

"THERE'LL BE AN ENTRANCE HERE,

A DERANGED LUNATIC HERE."

THERE'S ALWAYS A GUY STANDING OUT THERE LIKE THEY'RE RONALD McDONALD.

DUNKIN' DONUTS. IT'S AN INTERESTING CONCEPT.

IT'S ALMOST AS IF A.A. OPENED THEIR OWN RESTAURANT.

"WHAT SHALL WE HAVE?" "COFFEE, DONUTS,

MAYBE A LITTLE HONESTY."

"HI, MY NAME'S JIM. I HAVEN'T HAD A DONUT IN 30 SECONDS."

I DON'T KNOW HOW DUNKIN' DONUTS EVEN STAYS IN BUSINESS.

THEY SELL 3,000 DONUTS, WHAT DO THEY MAKE, 30 BUCKS?

WHENEVER I GO IN THERE, IT SEEMS LIKE

THEY'RE TRYING TO GET RID OF THE DONUTS.

"YEAH, I'LL HAVE SIX DONUTS."

"THAT'LL BE $3, BUT IF YOU GET A DOZEN, IT'S A NICKEL."

"HOW MUCH ARE TWO DOZEN?" "WE GIVE YOU 10 BUCKS."

THEY'RE EITHER TRYING TO GET RID OF THEM

OR TRYING TO GET US ADDICTED. YOU EVER BUY A COUPLE OF DONUTS,

YOU OPEN IT UP AND THERE'S SOME FREE MUNCHKINS IN THERE?

THOSE ARE THE GATEWAY DONUTS.

FIRST TIME'S ALWAYS FREE.

NOW AT SOME LOCATIONS, THEY HAVE DUNKIN' DONUTS AND BASKIN ROBBINS

IN THE SAME BUILDING.

IT'S LIKE A MARRIAGE MADE IN OBESITY.

FINALLY DUNKIN' DONUTS IS OFFERING SOMETHING FOR DESSERT.

DONUTS AND ICE CREAM-- IT'S LIKE TWO PAIRS OF DIRTY UNDERWEAR.

I HAVEN'T EATEN IN LIKE 40 MINUTES. THAT'S WEIRD FOR ME.

AMERICANS, WE LOVE TO EAT.

WHEN WE'RE NOT EATING, WE'RE CHEWING GUM.

WE'RE LITERALLY PRACTICING EATING.

"YO, I GOT A BIG MEAL COMING UP.

TRAINING FOR THANKSGIVING."

THANKSGIVING. THAT IS ALL ABOUT OVEREATING.

ONE OF THE MAIN DISHES IS ACTUALLY CALLED "STUFFING."

STUFFING. WHAT NAMES DID THEY TURN DOWN?

"CRAM IT IN"?

"EAT TILL YOU CAN'T BREATHE"?

AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT DOESN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE

WITH THE FACT STUFFING IS COOKED INSIDE A DEAD ANIMAL?

SHOVE A LOAF OF BREAD UP THERE.

MM, DELICIOUS.

KIND OF A HUMILIATING WAY TO GO OUT FOR THE TURKEY.

"YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME?" "OH, IT'S GONNA GET A LOT WORSE.

YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW."

MY PROBLEM IS I LOVE ALL THE FOOD THAT'S BAD FOR YOU, LIKE BACON.

WE KNOW YOU LIKE BACON.

AND FRIED CHICKEN. YOU EVER PUT A PIECE OF FRIED CHICKEN

ON A PAPER NAPKIN, YOU COME BACK AND THE NAPKIN'S TURNED INTO LIQUID?

FRIED CHICKEN CAN'T BE GOOD FOR YOU, REALLY.

I MEAN, ONE OF THE SERVING SIZES IS "BUCKET."

BUCKET.

ISN'T THAT HOW WE FEED FARM ANIMALS?

"YEAH, I'LL HAVE A BUCKET OF FRIED CHICKEN,

A SILO OF PEPSI,

AND A TROUGH OF PIG SLOP.

MAKE THE PIG SLOP DIET."

SPEAKING OF PIG SLOP,

HAVE YOU TRIED ONE OF THOSE KFC BOWLS?

IT'S LIKE KFC AS A CORPORATION DECIDED

"YOU KNOW, ALL OUR CRAP TASTES THE SAME.

WHY DON'T WE JUST THROW IT IN A BOWL?"

AND I'LL TELL YOU, IT'S DELICIOUS.

THERE'S A LAYER OF MASHED POTATOES AND A LAYER OF CORN,

A LAYER OF CIGARETTE BUTTS,

A COUPLE OF APPLE CORES-- IT'S LIKE "CHARLOTTE'S WEB."

"WHERE'S TEMPLETON?"

POPEYE'S IS MY FAVORITE FRIED CHICKEN.

I LOVE POPEYE'S. I LOVE THAT NAME.

"OH, I GET IT. POPEYE WAS A SAILOR

AND YOUR FOOD GOES THROUGH ME LIKE A TORPEDO.

THAT MAKES SENSE.

POPEYE ATE SPINACH AND NOW I HAVE DYSENTERY.

POPEYE HAD MUSCLES; I CAN'T STAND UP.

MAYBE THEY'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE CARTOON CHARACTER POPEYE.

MAYBE THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR EYES AFTER YOU EAT THE FOOD.

"I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM."

I EAT THE FAST FOOD, I DO.

IT'S AMAZING HOW OUR ATTITUDE ON FAST FOOD CHANGES.

WHEN YOU'RE A KID, IT'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE,

BUT AS AN ADULT, YOU LOOK AT FAST FOOD

LIKE SOMEONE YOU USED TO DATE.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER WENT THERE."

THEN THE NEXT NIGHT, "WELL, IT'S LATE...

AND I'M DRUNK SO..."

WE'RE ALL SO EMBARRASSED TO EAT FAST FOOD.

YOU EVER GO IN THERE, EVERYONE'S SITTING BY THEMSELVES,

THEY'RE HUNCHED OVER

WEARING A SKI MASK?

"DON'T TELL MY WIFE I'M HERE!"

THEY KNOW WE'RE EMBARRASSED TO EAT FAST FOOD.

THAT'S WHY THEY INVENTED THE DRIVE-THRU.

"LOOK, NO ONE HAS TO SEE YOU. JUST DRIVE AROUND BACK.

WE'LL HAND IT OUT THE WINDOW."

THAT DRIVE-THRU'S PRETTY CONVENIENT, RIGHT?

EXCEPT FOR THAT FINAL STRETCH FOR YOUR FOOD.

YOU'RE LIKE, "CAN YOU BRING YOUR BUILDING CLOSER

TO MY CAR? DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING?

WHAT A PAIN IN THE ASS!"

WHY IS HE REACHING OUT THE PASSENGER SIDE OF THE CAR?

THESE FAST FOOD PLACES ARE SO FAST AND EASY,

THEY'VE RUINED ME FOR REGULAR RESTAURANTS.

WHENEVER I'M IN A REGULAR RESTAURANT, I'M ALWAYS LIKE,

"LET'S SEE.I WILL ORDER THE HAMBURGER. WHERE IS IT?"

"SIR, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR HAMBURGER DONE?"

"RIGHT NOW. WHERE IS IT?

AND CAN YOU WRAP IT IN PAPER

SO I FEEL LIKE I'M OPENING A PRESENT?

OR MAYBE PUT IT IN A STYROFOAM CLAM SHELL

AND PRESENT IT LIKE AN ENGAGEMENT RING?

I DO."

TOO BAD ALL THE FOOD AT FAST FOOD PLACES IS SO BAD FOR YOU.

I LOVE HOW THERE'S THE OPTION OF A MILKSHAKE.

"I SHOULDN'T, BUT I'M IN A HURRY, SO I'LL GET A BURGER AND FRIES

AND TO DRINK,

I'LL HAVE THE LARGE CUP OF MELTED ICE CREAM.

DO YOU HAVE AN E.K.G. MACHINE BACK THERE?"

MOST RESTAURANTS TRY AND SET A MOOD.

YOU GO IN THERE, YOU'RE LIKE,

"I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A TUSCAN VILLA."

FAST FOOD PLACES ARE BRIGHTLY LIT, SMELL LIKE DISINFECTANT.

THE FURNITURE'S BOLTED DOWN.

"WHERE AM I, A MENTAL INSTITUTION?

WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!"

I LOVE THE FAST FOOD.

I DO WISH I WAS THERE WHEN THEY DECIDED

ON THE SIZE OF THOSE KETCHUP PACKETS.

I'M NOT SAYING I NEED A GALLON,

BUT MAYBE ENOUGH FOR MORE THAN ONE FRY.

I ALWAYS END UP OPENING 20. I LOOK LIKE A HEROIN ADDICT.

"I'M GONNA PARTY ONCE I GET SET UP HERE!"

HAS ANYONE EVER USED JUST ONE KETCHUP PACKET?

"DO YOU HAVE A HALF OF A QUARTER OF AN OUNCE OF KETCHUP?

IT'S JUST SO DARN RICH.

I NEED A RESEALABLE PACKET,

ONE THAT I COULD STORE IN MY PURSE."

THEY ALWAYS GIVE YOU THREE PACKETS.

WHEN YOU GO BACK UP AND ASK FOR MORE,

THE GUY HANDING THEM OUT ALWAYS TREATS YOU

LIKE YOU'RE TAKING FROM HIS PERSONAL STASH.

"LOOKS LIKE MY KIDS AREN'T HAVING KETCHUP TONIGHT.

ENJOY, KETCHUP GLUTTON."

SOMETIMES PRINTED ON THE KETCHUP PACKET IT WILL SAY "NOT FOR RESALE."

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT WAS AN ISSUE.

I'VE BEEN TO A LOT OF FLEA MARKETS-- NO KETCHUP PACKETS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?IF YOU'RE IN A POSITION WHERE YOU HAVE TO SELL KETCHUP PACKETS,

I DON'T THINK THAT'S GONNA HOLD YOU BACK.

"WE NEED MONEY. MAYBE WE SHOULD SELL THESE KETCHUP PACK--

OH, WE CAN'T. IT SAYS 'NOT FOR RESALE.'

DANG IT!"

IF YOU'RE LUCKY, YOU'LL GET A KETCHUP PACKET

THAT'S LABELED AS FANCY KETCHUP.

KETCHUP, YOU'RE BEING MODEST.

YOU'RE WAY MORE THAN FANCY.

YOU'RE ELEGANT.

I KNOW IT'S ALL RELATIVE,

BUT WHAT KIND OF LIFE ARE YOU LEADING WHERE YOU CONSIDER KETCHUP FANCY?

"WELL, WE AIN'T RICH FOLK, BUT ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS,

I'LL BREAK OUT THE KETCHUP.

GRANDMA'S BIRTHDAY,

MAKE HER FEEL LIKE A CELEBRITY."

THAT'S RIGHT.

SOME FAST FOOD PLACES, THEY HAVE THAT KETCHUP PUMP.

IT'S LIKE A KEG.

THEY GIVE YOU THE PAPER SHOT GLASS.

I ALWAYS LIKE TO HANG AROUND THERE, TRY AND MEET THE LADIES.

"HERE, I'LL PUMP FOR YOU.

YOU COME TO THIS WENDY'S OFTEN?

MY ROOMMATE AND I, WE GOT A PONY PUMP BACK AT MY DORM.

HERE'S AN EXTRA SHOT FOR YOUR CUTE FRIEND."

HOW MANY SHOTS OF KETCHUP DO YOU GET?

I USUALLY GET, LIKE, THREE, BUT IF I'VE HAD A BAD DAY I'LL GET FIVE.

MY WIFE THINKS I'M TRASH 'CAUSE I USE A LOT OF KETCHUP

ON MY SUSHI.

I FIND IT GETS RID OF THE FISH FLAVOR.

HOW ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE THAT DON'T USE KETCHUP?

WHAT ARE THEY CALLED AGAIN, AL QAEDA? UGH!

THE UPSIDE-DOWN BOTTLE OF KETCHUP, HAVE YOU SEEN THAT?

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A LITTLE EMBARRASSING

HOW LONG IT TOOK US TO COME UP WITH THE UPSIDE

IT WAS ONLY, LIKE, SIX MONTHS AGO.

SOME GUY WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW...

WE ONLY USE IT LIKE THIS.

WHY DON'T WE JUST PUT THE CAP ON THE BOTTOM?"

"HAVE PEOPLE BEEN COMPLAINING

KETCHUP IS HARD TO GET OUT OF THE BOTTLE?"

"FOR, LIKE, 100 YEARS."

"I'LL TALK TO OUR GRAVITY EXPERTS."

KETCHUP IS HARD TO GET OUT OF A BOTTLE.

YOU'RE ALWAYS LIKE...

"YOU GUYS GO ON WITHOUT ME.

OH MAN, JUST LEAVE ME WATER."

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GIVEN ONE OF THOSE TINY KETCHUP BOTTLES,

THEY'RE LIKE 90% GLASS?

"THIS IS ADORABLE, BUT I WANT KETCHUP, NOT A CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT.

I'LL PUT THIS WITH MY OTHER GLASS MENAGERIE."

KETCHUP.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D MISS A BACON JOKE.

SALSA IS LIKE THE MEXICAN KETCHUP.

MARINARA'S THE ITALIAN KETCHUP,

AND BRITISH FOOD IS TERRIBLE.

ACTUALLY VINEGAR IS THE BRITISH KETCHUP.

HOW BAD IS YOUR FOOD

WHEN ADDING VINEGAR IMPROVES IT?

YOU KNOW WHAT I USE VINEGAR FOR?CLEANING WINDOWS.

THE BRITISH ARE OUR ONLY ALLIES.

WHY WOULD HE BE SO RECKLESS

WITH HIS EDGY KETCHUP JOKES?

WHAT IF GORDON BROWN WAS SITTING IN THE AUDIENCE RIGHT NOW

AND HE WAS ABOUT TO SIGN THE NATO TREATY?

I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT HE WAS SAYING...

YOU GUYS LOVE THE HOT SAUCE DOWN HERE, DON'T YOU?

YOU EVER NOTICE PEOPLE THAT ARE REALLY INTO HOT SAUCE ARE ALWAYS CHALLENGING YOU?

"HEY, WHY DON'T YOU GET THE SUPER HOT FIRE"

"'CAUSE I DON'T FEEL LIKE THE SUPER HOT FIRE-ENGINE DIARRHEA.

HOW ABOUT THAT FOR A REASON, HUH?

I'M NOT INTO WEARING DIAPERS, OKAY?"

SPEAKING OF DIAPERS, I WENT TO WAFFLE HOUSE LAST NIGHT.

I'LL TELL YOU, I THOUGHT THE IHOP WAS A DUMP

UNTIL I WENT INTO A WAFFLE HOUSE.

THEY'RE NOT EVEN TRYING IN THERE.

HERE'S SOMETHING YOU'LL NEVER HEAR IN A WAFFLE HOUSE:

"NICE JOB CLEANING UP!"

NOW IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO A WAFFLE HOUSE,

JUST IMAGINE A GAS-STATION BATHROOM

THAT SELLS WAFFLES,

AND YOU'VE BEEN TO A WAFFLE HOUSE.

I LOVE WAFFLE HOUSE.

AND NOT JUST 'CAUSE WATCHING SOMEONE FRY AN EGG

WHILE THEY'RE SMOKING REMINDS ME OF MY DAD.

IT'S THE PEOPLE IN THERE. IT'S LIKE A WHITE-TRASH CONVENTION,

OR FOR ME A FAMILY REUNION.

IT'S SO WHITE TRASH IN THERE,

IT MAKES THE IHOP APPEAR INTERNATIONAL.

I'VE SEEN A GUN FIVE TIMES IN MY LIFE.

THREE OF THEM HAVE BEEN IN WAFFLE HOUSE.

THERE'S DEFINITELY A DANGEROUS FEEL TO 'EM.

EVEN THE WAFFLE HOUSE SIGN LOOKS LIKE A RANSOM NOTE.

THERE'S ALWAYS A LETTER OUT. OCCASIONALLY IT'LL BE THE "W,"

SO IT'LL READ "AWFUL HOUSE."

"THAT'S WHERE I WANNA GO AT 2:00 A.M."

THAT'S WHEN EVERYONE GOES.

THEIR SLOGAN SHOULD BE, "IT'S 2:00 A.M.,

STILL TIME TO MAKE ONE MORE BAD DECISION."

YOU GO IN THERE,

EVERYONE'S DRUNK.

YOU KNOW EVERYONE'S DRUNK IN WAFFLE HOUSE

'CAUSE THEY HAVE PICTURES OF THE FOOD ON THE MENU.

HOW DRUNK DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO NOT REMEMBER

WHAT A WAFFLE LOOKS LIKE?

"OH, YEAH, IT'S LIKE A PLAID PANCAKE."

"I'LL HAVE 12 OF THOSE FOR A NICKEL."

YOU EVER GO INTO WAFFLE HOUSE DURING THE DAY?

THAT'S WEIRD.

"THIS PLACE LOOKS FAMILIAR.

I THINK I THREW UP IN HERE.

OH, THERE IT IS."

ALL RIGHT, THAT IS ALL. THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOU GUYS.