Original subtitles

Wallace! What are you waiting on? A trail of rose petals, princess?

Let's go!

We got a game to win!

Get your hand here!

A giant mansion with a giant pool that has a bad hot tub that's connected to

this giant pool so I can swim from hot to cold whenever I want.

Yes.

I love you, Cesar.

It holds ten songs.

I put all our favorites on it.

Let us change your life, kid.

Our little secret.

Can't move across the whole country.

I only left Eastbrook twice. Once for a game in Bicklesburg and then once in

Bicklesburg by accident.

I should probably mark Bicklesburg better.

Son, let me tell you a little story about the Beatles.

They played about 250 shows in all these little shitholes in and around the city

of Hamburg.

And you know how they became the biggest band in the world?

In fact, they left him.

Hey,

why

don't you go dance with Ted Kemp?

Are you serious?

Yeah. He looks lonely.

America needs its traditions.

In words, it's just that I've had more holes filled in her grandpa's bowling

ball. Take me home. Yeah.

Probably shouldn't, because, um, you know, I'm, I'm thinking of you.

Going to Dr.

Jones. I can drive you.

on this drive.

Eastbrook needs this W against Picklesburg. And break.

we're not fighting could it be

structure that's been apart from other single -celled organisms.

Hello,

my old friend.

Living in the past, Hank?

You were a bright kid, even if you didn't apply yourself.

I bet there's a lot more you could offer Eastbrook High.

Uh, forget.

Forget your preconceptions about bacterial reproduction.

Because most of it's asexual, which, you know, you kids should all be.

You know, until true love or whatever.

And use protection.

Okay, let's see what kind of nasty bugs live in our mouths.

I just need everybody to spit in this. That's what your mom said.

Hey, come on, guys. Phones away. We have important things to do.

Mr. Wallace?

Yeah, Grace?

What's on our phones is important.

Why aren't we talking about the ick?

Okay, great.

Let's talk about the ick.

There's no origin story for ick.

We didn't watch it arrive on a meteor or escape from a government lab.

It's just here.

First, we hardly noticed.

But each day, year by year, it kept growing.

It doesn't move, at least we don't think.

It's stationary as a plant, growing, spreading slowly.

It's omnipresent, but not bothersome enough that cars can't drive down the

street. People can't go about their usual routines.

Most folks choose to ignore the ick altogether, hoping it just goes away.

Especially with rumors swirling that it's starting to attack.

All right.

Bring up your future dishes on the desk, please.

Have a good day.

Hey, Grace.

How's your mom?

Fine, Mr. Wallace.

Oh, that's good.

That's good.

How's your mom?

Dead.

Despite protests by the school's safety officer, this year's prompting the

millennial to get in the problematic spirit by only consenting to 2000's

Did you see Charlie's TikTok about how the ick is pure gluten?

What's gluten?

Check this out, Jasmine.

Straight up video of the asteroid that brought the ink. That's the scene from

the movie Armageddon. We have to take this problem seriously, not turn it into

meme.

Look, the ink is just frankenfood GMOs set free from Monsanto Labs.

That's why I only eat organic.

Bro!

Cultural appropriate much?

I'm a 64th Cherokee with receipts, and I'm telling you, Jay Guava wouldn't

approve of your capitalistic colonial mindset, son.

Come on.

Almost lost my appetite.

We're joined now by our political panel. Clearly, the ick disproportionately

affects black and brown voters. Well, I heard the ick started in China.

Bad eating weirdos.

Maybe the government will send a team to help clean it up.

Well, we're definitely not getting any help.

Hola, Mr.

Hank.

Hola, Senora Diaz. Mi abuela.

She's, um, how do you say bruja? Your grandma likes to make beer?

What a surprise. It's coming from the ick -worshipping leftist cabal. You

kidding me?

Bruja is a witch. Mi abuela Bruja says the ick is a gift from the gods. If

you're over in front of global warming.

Go.

The ick won't save us, Sofia.

It's vicious.

Are you staring at my boobs? No, I wasn't staring at your boobs. That is so

inappropriate. You're a teacher.

You're kidding me again.

The ick does not move, mi amor.

Well, I know what I saw.

on the American voters is government overreach. Well, you're right,

when the data is clear that vitamin D is an effective... Oh, my God, I'm

pregnant. Have some class, you piece of... Prom tickets are now available,

so am I. Taking all offers, even gestures, I'm very lonely.

Well, Griffin, if he takes you to prom, you'll let him play with your boots.

Okay. Wait, what? No. You want to spend another summer doing steampunk cosplay

at the Ren Faire? How are we friends?

Hi.

Hey.

Watch your drawing.

Wow, that's really good.

What kind of monkey is that?

Uh, it's a regular monkey.

Huh.

Problems come up. I'll let you play with my... Never mind.

This week's film close rating is Bella Tarr's low cinema masterpiece, Sock and

Tango. Enjoy seven hours of Bulgarians being sad in black and white. Or don't.

Let's go!

You ladies are moving slower than these tar tentacles!

That's racist.

Attaboy.

I'm bored.

Is the ick gonna do anything?

It's been here, like, two months.

Jocelyn, the ick's been here for years.

Huh. I guess I just never really noticed what it's doing here. What's anything

doing here?

This town sucks.

You girls smoking? No.

I'm good.

This takes a second.

I wrote a new poem.

Industrial Love Stink, number three.

Going for that Ginsberg vibe.

I mean, it's what I've... We're on, like, 13 seconds, so I don't, like, care

anything.

But I'll probably minor in poetry when we get to Overland next year.

I'm not going.

Babe. What, you're going to get off the wait list? A wait list is a slow motion

swipe left of college admissions.

I'm not leaving Eastbrook. I'm staying here.

So you just want to grow fat and old eating Velveeta sandwiches like the rest

the proletariat?

Don't be off with my parents.

Hank, heaven knows I hate to jinx a sale, but doesn't it seem kind of stupid

a... D -R -U -N -K.

To buy B -A -R.

Honey, Hank's smarter than he looks.

Thanks.

Hank. Do you guys think the ick is in the plumbing and we're all drinking it?

Probably. Congratulations, Hank.

Cool. Thank you. Are we done? Can we go home now? Grace, don't be rude.

Grace has been down in the dumps ever since she got weightless to that

Thanks, Dad.

Tell the world what a loser I am. There is no shame here.

As an Asian American, Grace had to score 150 points higher on the SATs than her

Caucasian counterparts just to be considered for the same Ivy League. Now

wants to skip college entirely.

Yes, parents. Tell me more about me.

Delaying life never really works out. That's why we see the dentist every six

months.

Fade with them from here.

Totes fave teach.

Mrs. Brown is my totes fave teach. Mrs. Brown has booing gums. Grace is a

Capricorn. January 10th, she hates unmet goals.

January? No, Grace is born in February.

Grace, are you not a python?

Don't tell Ted!

We're closed!

Why don't we celebrate?

December, November, October.

Fish, mercury, rice, carbs.

Chinese. She was conceived in April, not May. MSG. All Asian food will kill you,

hon. We're Asian, dad.

I don't think so.

I don't think that Asian food is so bad.

You know?

I read it.

Oh, shoot. Well, you never know.

So I said to the salesman, this doesn't look like Mojave ivory metallic to me.

And he said, Ted, you've got a real nose for detail.

This is...

is iridium ivory metallic.

And since we fouled up and sold the Mojave ivory metallic to a coke dealer

Wickelsburg, you can have the iridium ivory metallic intended for him with

bulletproof UV protected windows at no extra charge.

Louis Vuitton pepper spray for you to fend off handsy college boys.

Hopefully you still get to use it. Think about what you're saying for just

like... One goddamn second, Mom.

Great. Wouldn't you agree you need to invest in your future? Sweetheart, Dr.

Kirk asks you to stop lecturing in the form of a question. Darling, do you

recall Dr.

Kirk asking you to recognize my need to process information my way?

That's wonderful, dear. It's delightful having an expert's opinion on your

compulsive need for expensive toys. Angel, Dr.

Kirk says my desire for beautiful things is natural and healthy.

Well, I hope your car doesn't turn into a pumpkin. Pumpkin.

Jesus!

Stop nice fighting.

Who cares about tans and luxury cars? There's a monster on the lawn.

Monster swing?

UV light.

Fascinating, Captain.

All right, Hank.

It's go time.

Live from

NYC. Challenge.

Despite the viral TikTok trends we've seen in America, school health officials

ask you to not lick the ick. And for the love of God, do not do the ick.

This is what we in the industry call a kick -ass letter of recommendation from

your toe -thick babe teach.

After some such a joy.

Grace,

no, it's to help you get off the wait list.

My parents must be super desperate to talk you into this.

Grace, hey, you know the Beatles, right? The what?

The Beatles.

The Beatles spent three years in Hamburg, okay?

But do you know how they became the best band in the world? They had a unique

dual songwriting team in Lennon and McCartney that accepted constructive

criticism resulting in albums with few fillers alongside innovative marketing

with concept albums and music videos.

That's good.

Grace, you have so much potential.

That's the polite way of saying I'm not good enough the way I am.

Yachtoon, you're old.

You know, Sofia, I've been practicing my Spanish.

And I thought, maybe, perhaps you might tutor me?

Paquito.

Paquito.

Quiero montar esta noche en mi cuchillo.

Do you use such filthy words to seduce great Kim?

I will not go. Turn the lights off.

Carry me home.

Hey, Meowie.

I know you're still alive.

Buddy?

That's better, right?

Well,

hey. Long time, friend.

But, uh, bar's not even open yet.

Don't even have any booze.

Where's the key?

Okay. One more.

Then I'm cutting you off.

Never mind.

I'm gonna call you a doctor, right?

Thank you.

this nectar of the gun.

Fear not the plague. Use the rubber.

Bro, you gotta tell me which of these bitches are legal.

Sarah Q, Ashley T, Tia, Tara, Mackenzie G, Mackenzie F, Tori, Zoe, Amber, Why

does Mr. Wallace even give a shit anyway?

Who does he think he is?

Maybe she's had enough. I'm fine.

Why don't you go find Heather? She is madly in love with you.

Don't be a cop.

Hey, guys, guys.

Hank Walden?

Ah, man!

Guys, if you won't believe it, I can't even explain it. There was a cat and a

man and a hick.

A hick. A hick.

A hick is horrible.

Hey, why don't you take a ride with us? We're about to bust up a high school

kicker at the whole boy's house and steal their beer. Party like we're 18

We even brought an old friend.

Yo.

The ancient one.

Oh, well,

we did have fun back in the day, boys, but I'm going to have to say that I'm a

little too old for that these days.

And, you know, just saying this as a friend, sometimes you got to admit when

have a problem.

I'm afraid we cannot allow you to be such a wet blanket.

The old Hank Wallace was a dope bro.

What's with all this wee -wee -wee?

He never turned down the opportunity to get turned up.

Not a lot of the old Hank Maffei things, boys.

I've got a big surprise for you.

Hank.

She's been asking for you, Hank.

Sophia. Mr. Hank.

Mi amor.

I don't think so.

En español, por favor.

Just one.

What?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Possessed is an ugly word for such a beautiful experience.

The icksies are valued. We were chosen.

For those it does not value, it

consumes.

You can't take it off me. I'll never move to the Cowboys again.

It's overwhelming and numbing.

Yeah. That's why we gotta leave Eastbrook.

Eastbrook? No.

I'm talking about the ick.

I think the ick is watching us.

Did you see Celeste is rocking cornrows on Insta?

Someone has to stop her.

This isn't a joke, Dylan.

No, it isn't, Grace.

Cultural colonialism is literal violence.

The ick never stole the hair of my people.

Look, I'm gonna go make a round.

Who are you snapping?

Was it that nose guard from Wittelsburg?

Backstabbing, ho.

Great, listen to me. The cops are coming to break up the party at Hobart's. If

you're there, you need to leave now.

Okay, you're in danger. In case I never see you again, I need you to know that

I... I might be your dad.

Hey, oh, we had sex that one time, and trust me, you ain't nobody's daddy,

Didn't you say you was moving to Kansas? This is gross.

Yeah, this is not a good time. I gotta go. I'm in Kansas.

Hypnotizing I am.

Captivated I am.

Vindicated! I am selfish!

I am wrong!

I am right! I swear I'm right!

Thanks

for

saying you liked my monkey.

Your regular monkey?

All right, Darcy.

10 minutes of heat from you to me.

It's killing people. It's eating them alive.

Everyone has to get to safety.

Mr. Wallace, I know a man who could use a beer when I see one. Just grab

yourself a cup. God damn it.

Do you kids all want to be zombies?

And not the cool, sexy kind like in Harry Potter?

Take it rolling, thug.

I'm talking the demonic, soulless type.

Grace, Grace.

Get out of here. We gotta go. What the hell?

Take your pervy minutes off her.

Look, Dylan, I don't expect you to understand.

I just have to get her out of here.

Oh, I get it.

Screwed the mom, now you've got to screw the daughter.

That's some real Freudian noise.

Weird old damn.

Hey, don't be ableist. Okay.

Look, just because you threw a ball a billion years ago doesn't make you

special. I can throw a ball, and when I'm gone, someone else will throw a

Nothing means nothing.

Go.

Please.

when it was just getting good.

That's gotta hurt.

Am I right?

I think the way Jason talks to you is totally misogynistic.

I mean, calling you a hoe?

Personally, I don't see gender. If I did, I would worship women.

That doesn't make any sense.

Gender binary doesn't make sense to me.

Monogamy is a tool of the patriarchy to keep women oppressed and survive.

Now let's get nasty.

You are going to bang a teenager, stud.

How much are you going to miss all these knuckleheads after you graduate?

Well, my favorite French modernist, my fellow shard, said,

we give each other memories when we leave each other.

Yeah, I have no idea what you just said.

And that is why you are the coolest girl in Eastbrook.

I'm not calling for that again, douche novel.

No, I'm just kidding!

I think I'm going to Picklesburg next weekend. I've never been.

It's a capuchin.

What? My regular monkey.

It's called a capuchin.

I like that.

It wasn't me.

W, is someone watching you tinkle?

Listen up, scum suck.

Exposing pedos is extremely our shit.

Don't let it touch you. Obviously.

Whoa, Mr. Wallace?

Oh,

man.

Debra, I'm sorry I called you a hoe.

Hey, what's the most important location in this town?

My name is Dr.

Althea Prentiss, and I am in charge of the federal response in this state. Now,

the governor has spoken to your mayor, and we have been ordered out of

to our main mission. We are not abandoning you, Eastbrook. I'm leaving

contingent to fortify this building.

I suggest that you stay inside there.

We cannot help you if you go outside.

What could be more important than the taxpayers of Eastbrook?

We're headed to Wickelsburg to protect their hydroelectric dam.

Dang. Wickelsburg.

Here's what we know so far.

After decades in stasis, the intercellular kinoplasm known as ICK

has reached its kinetic state.

How long will that last? We don't know for certain, but we are estimating

four to eight years.

No, please, people, listen to me, listen to me. The government cannot save you

right now, okay? We simply do not have the resources, not without raising

Big government socialism.

Oh, come on, coach.

You come to the school at $5 ,000 to get a jacuzzi in the boys' locker room.

Oh, so football is socialism now, Hank?

You make me sick. People of East, listen to me, okay?

Barricade your doors and your windows, okay?

Stop up your sinks and your drains.

And for God's sake, please, again, do not go outside.

Our kids can still go to prom tomorrow, right?

Uh, yeah. You should definitely cancel prom.

My daughter is going to be prom queen.

How dare you try to take that away from us? Ma 'am, I am not trying to take

anything away from anybody.

I am just merely saying that this information... Children died last night.

False flag.

Process actors.

Ted Kim.

Kim Real Estate. If I may.

What? I think we're all on the same page here, Doctor.

East Brookings need our lives to proceed as normal.

Otherwise, see it win.

Wouldn't you agree, Doctor Prentiss?

No.

Well, I'm sure we agree that's just your opinion.

And wouldn't you also agree that we are entitled to our opinions?

Hell no!

Don't go outside!

But the fact that an average Joe like me can step up and have his ideas

respected as equal to an expert, that's what makes this country really super.

Listen up, you ruse.

You've got to take responsibility for your own...

If they wanted to build a mosque, they'd take it

seriously. Oh, Dr. Prentiss, please wait.

You're absolutely right about the dangers of the ick. I've experienced

firsthand. I'm Hank Wallace, a science teacher here in Eastbrook. I have a

theory about the ick.

Please. You're right about the ick going through a new stage of growth.

But it's also going through a stage of active cellular respiration. However, it

still maintains a stage of photosynthesis.

Meaning, it still has to hibernate.

And that is how we kill the ick.

See, because it's eukaryote. And it collects UV light, converts it into

energy.

But it can't convert and collect at the same time.

That's why it only grows in the dark, outside and inside.

But UV light, UV light, man, stops dead in its tracks.

Wow. Yeah.

Hold that thought. Okay.

Phone. Keep going.

Hello, Mr. President.

My God.

Yes. Eastbrook High School science teacher has presented the precise

breakthrough we need to win this whole damn war.

UV light, sir.

No, no one has considered it before.

All right.

You think he deserves a Nobel Prize?

Well, please, sir, transfer me to the King of Sweden.

You can stop now. Hello? Is this Carl Gustav, King of Sweden and presenter of

Nobel Prizes? I'll just go.

Sir, what do you mean there's no Nobel Prize for super obvious shit we figured

out from day one?

We know about the UV light dipshit.

It's a goddamn plant.

Unfortunately, due to our supply chain, we have a limited quantity of bulbs.

And all of our surplus has been shipped to... Don't say it.

Nicholsburg.

Her name is Noelle.

I have a dream about her. She rings my bell.

I got you in class in half an hour. Oh, how she rocks.

But she doesn't know who I am.

What the globalists don't want you to know is that eating it gives men

extreme sexual...

You will gain technical power!

I'll show you! I'll prove it to you right now! You gotta take a look at

We're skipping the vaccine. The it boosts all of our immune systems by

positive gut probiotics or whatever into the air.

Oh. Oh.

I think I got it on my shoe.

Look, I know what y 'all are going to say.

Hank, you're an alcoholic.

What the hell are you doing opening a bar?

On the contrary, Hank.

We want you to do whatever makes you happy. Live a little. Let go.

Surrender to a higher power.

Come.

Never crave alcohol again.

No pee.

No bliss.

Suck it up on me!

The sun was way too bright today.

I've been thinking, babe, I support your decision to stay in Eastbrook.

This is a wonderful town.

What's gotten into you?

One way up in the backseat.

Don't take that the wrong way, but you totally look like shit.

My appearance is all that matters.

So sexually normative, babe.

We shouldn't be out here at night.

It's just Fugo's panopticon.

Fear gets you from joy.

Stay down, kid.

You, Mr. Waller.

Hey, you okay?

Want a ride?

Green!

I'm sorry!

Okay? Hey, go throw a ball, kid.

You know, Grace, some boys in the animal kingdom... Oh, I don't need to hear

about the birds and the bees, Mr. Waller. I'm 18.

Not the birds and the bees.

The wasp and the tarantula.

The female hawk wasp, when she is ready to lay her eggs, she paralyzes the

tarantula with her stinger that then lays her eggs in its abdomen.

When the larvae are ready to hatch, they eat the tarantula from the inside out.

You know what I mean? That being pregnant is like getting eaten alive by

parasite?

What I mean is, I think Dylan is trying to put something inside you.

He's already put it inside me.

Ah, did not need to hear that.

I think Dylan is infected.

With what?

Did you see his athletic physical?

I swear, he gave me the clap after he promised.

What's happening?

It's in the engine.

Are you okay?

I think so.

Shit. Fuck.

I surround you.

Please don't post this.

I'm texting my cousin. He dragged the tow truck.

Oh, nice.

Well, in the meantime, we could get to know each other a little. You know, have

a... A bonding sesh. Oh, my gosh.

So awkward.

Well, you know, we might have a lot in common. You know, like, um... What's

fave animal?

Um, mine is... Mine's a narwhal. Penguins are also... Keep coming on to

Wallace, and you'll be sorry. No warning shots.

I could never, ever... I'm incapable of thinking of you that way.

Hmm.

It all makes sense now.

It does.

Right? You're gay.

Hard to believe you could take an hour over dial -up to get a video. Was that

before or after your family died of cholera? Ha ha, laugh it up.

One day you'll be explaining Instagram to your cyborg children. Got any food?

Starving.

Weird.

Oh, yeah. Well, ever been to a steakhouse? You know, aged beef that

tenderness and the flavor?

I can't believe you're a science teacher. I wanted to be an English

all the positions were filled.

It was a wait list.

Not enough science degrees.

It's really lame.

Maybe Daddy.

Are you maybe somebody's baby daddy, Mr. Wallace?

Knock up a cheerleader back in your swinging dick days.

No, this can't be happening.

My asshole dad is my asshole dad, not this upside -down asshole.

There's no easy way to explain this, Grace.

But you don't exactly look, you know, and your dad is, you know, and you are,

you know, and you better hold on to something.

So 18 years later, it finally occurred to you that I might be your daughter?

I just thought it was impossible.

I thought that you were conceived too late, and I figured that half the town

could be your father. Wow. I just mean that your mom probably had sex with a

of people. Yeah, yeah, I got that. Thanks.

Hey, you could just think about me as like your cool uncle, right? Who takes

to Disney World and Parenthood. Stop it. I'm not some dude bro's fugitive

chromosome. Dude bro?

But, but... But nothing.

You're not my dad.

And even if you are, you never will be. Wow.

I'm having, like, total déjà vu.

No, it's not worse.

Luke, Darth, Father.

Please, God, say I'm not related to this moron.

You know, I didn't want this. I didn't mean for this to happen. Cool.

Never happened.

My cousin's on his way. Oh, cool, cool.

You know, but... Shut up. We don't have to talk, you know. Silence is golden.

Silence is golden.

But, um...

Great. Itch.

Leave me alone!

You should leave.

No, shit!

You should leave Eastbrook and you should change your mind about going to

college. Why? I'm not leaving. You leave.

Yeah, I... I tried.

Are you dadding me right now?

I know it's scary to think about leaving.

I get that. Really, I do.

But, you know, big cities are filled with amazing things.

You know, like museums and... Fancy restaurants and Dave and... Busters?

You are dadding me right now.

What do you want with a teenage daughter anyway? We're complicated and mean.

I don't think I really have much of a choice here. Will you stop saying that?

Look, do you really want to be the only florist with a 1500 on her SATs?

Look, moron.

You can't come into my life after 18 years and suddenly claim me like a value

-backed coupon.

Where were you when I skinned my knee?

Or when my guinea pig died?

Or when the boy I like asked another girl to homecoming?

You can't beat Disney dad, Mr. Wallace.

You don't know shit about me.

And you sure as hell don't know shit about family.

Family is why I stayed in Eastbrook.

Don't make the same mistake that I did, Grace.

You know, it took me a long time to realize that family and Eastbrook are

the same thing.

In fact, Eastbrook kind of sucks.

How does family?

Sometimes.

But you know, family is kind of like a band, and Eastbrook is like the best

of all time. The Beatles.

Creep.

It's hard to imagine a more perfect album than Human Clay.

But then the band broke up soon after.

Band always breaks up.

But you, Grace, you.

Our Scott staff.

Who the fuck is Creed?

I'm not your daughter.

Are you kidding me, young lady?

Shut up, Jack. Mr.

Waller.

The mole. What? The penicillin. What are you saying?

See?

Penicillin was created when moles got into a petri dish and released a toxin

into the bacteria that the scientists were growing.

Ha -ha! Eat your poison!

Uh, we're not working.

Quit thinking, Dr. Science.

Let it go!

I'll let it go this time, Grace, but cigarettes?

The ick, you idiot! Let it go!

Plane thrower, please.

I'm out.

Chris,

are you okay?

Let's get the hell out of here.

And stay away from my mom if she ends up single.

I thought I found the road somewhere.

Is this possible?

It's the ick.

It absorbed me into the earth all those years ago.

This town.

This country.

This whole rotten planet.

It's fallen apart at the seams.

The ick is the thread that will pull it back together.

Well, good luck.

It's going to take a lot more than some lab -grown goo to...

Fix all that.

Or maybe you're bacteria.

I don't know.

Alien.

It's a program, son.

And I'll tell you what that program is.

Yeah.

A program of chaos that rewrites itself, breaks its rules, creates

the fear of the random.

You will never know how it works.

Its goal is contradiction and confusion.

No rhyme or reason. Because it overwhelms.

Some it devours.

Some it resurrects.

You will ignore it and do nothing.

From a world of many, we all become ick.

It can fix anything, son.

Anything.

It can even fix that leg of yours.

It's not my leg that's broken.

Not your first swing and miss.

What I want to know is why nobody cares that we're in danger.

Danger from what?

The ick attacked me.

Babe, the ick attacked everyone.

The very

best moments of my life were on this field.

And the very worst.

Dreams of going to college, NFL, owning a mansion in Beverly Hills, a vacation

house in France, and a series of Viagra commercials, wearing a flannel,

chopping wood for Crystal Blue Lake.

And you.

I lost it all right here.

Don't be so dramatic.

Disgrace my daughter.

What?

No.

Is that why you dragged me out here?

Daisy, just wait, please.

Hey.

Can you just give me this one thing, please?

Just tell me that's possible.

It's absolutely impossible.

Grace, don't ever think my death is your fault.

I've wanted this for a long time.

Consider me your cautionary tale.

Don't repeat my mistakes.

Find happiness wherever you can.

Grab it.

And never let go.

Dead frickin' Kim.

Hello, Eastboro guys.

We're gonna start this night off right. This next song takes me back to 2002.

Paris Hilton recorded her first thick tape.

American Steel really? 9 -11?

Never forget!

What a prick.

Live and let live.

Nice shirt.

You think maybe we should barricade the doors, you know, in case of the ick? No,

the government will take care of it. The ick is an agent of natural selection.

Next generation is going to be faster, smarter, probably get some good

cornerbacks out of it.

Baby, the rubber broke.

Baby, there was no rubber.

Heather,

ask him to dance now.

Would you like that?

I'd love to.

I'm... I'm not going over the next year.

What?

I'm staying here.

I... I want to be with you forever.

God damn this song, Rips.

Great.

you do them

What the heck are you wearing? Ted, you gotta get out of here. No can do, buddy.

Gotta make sure the kids do Dairy Queen and get home safe. That's an EDM outfit,

isn't it?

Ted, the ick is coming.

The ick?

It's already here.

Besides, where will we go?

It's everywhere else, too.

Ted, let's get my daughter into safety.

You're the daughter?

Maybe.

Ted.

About Stacy.

Grace, my daughter.

Hey, we're going to die. Maybe now's a good time to get something up. You're

Jeff. Yeah.

The egg.

Oh, damn it. The windows are UV protected.

Screw you, Mercedes.

I'll break the glass.

Bulletproof glass.

It needs bulletproof glass.

And it is broke. You threw it in free.

Fuck, Mercedes.

Look, Hank.

About Grace.

She...

No for ick or no for green.

Yes, just for wick.

America needs its traditions.

Don't you love me? I'm staying in Eastbrook for you.

Dylan. You're right, babe.

We need to fix this town, not run from it. No.

Are you serious?

Grace.

Don't have sex with him. Are you serious? You can have sex with a million

that's what you want. It's not. Just not with him, okay? He is it.

The old white guy saving the virginity of a helpless female?

No.

I'm okay with it.

That's mouth -to -mouth football, kid.

Sorry about your bra.

Hey, Grace, I really do want you to have a meaningful, safe relationship with

boys, you know?

So not the time for this talk.

They say we're infected, but I'll show you them the ones who are truly

Infected by anger, by pain, insecurity, jealousy.

Inside.

More playing around, Grace.

Time to embrace our future.

Hey!

Hey, kid.

That might sting a little.

Mr. Wallace, I'm going to reach down your throat, squeeze your colon, and

you inside out.

You know what your problem is, Dylan?

You're a phony.

You haven't read half the shit you quote.

You summarize for Wikipedia and we'll book this like a weapon.

You're a sad...

Pathetic asshole without an original thought.

You're just like everyone else.

I need to tell you something. Yeah, I know. You might be my dad. You told me

already. No.

It's about your real parents.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We're gonna die.

Not here. Where?

No, I mean, we're leaving Eastbrook.

Alive. You and me and the regular monkey

It feels like the heartbreak will never end.

But, um, I'm here for you, Grace.

Heather! Griffin! You're a couple!

Mr. Wolfe.

All right.

Better get out of here. Find some place to be.

Allergen. Stadium lights emit UV radiation.

Not as much as the sun or a black light, but...

Hopefully enough to keep us safe.

Arm yourselves.

Whatever you can carry.

Get ready for a fight!

Come on.

You could have just opened it.

I mean, that was super dramatic and all, but... Now I have to crawl over broken

glass.

Patch the wires.

Flip all the switches.

Where are you going?

I have to go back out. Turn on the circuit breakers. Without them, there's

power flowing to the halogens.

Good luck.

Don't die.

That was super weird.

Are you a Mr. Wallace?

It's complicated.

None of my business.

You can do better.

So much snow.

Oh, hey!

Thanks for looking after our little girl!

Hi,

sweetie. Time to join.

Daddy!

I can't, you know, relatively.

Come to the light!

I want it to be over. He's dead. He should be at peace.

It's not him, Grace.

Everything's going to be okay.

We have to go!

I've been chipping them forever.

Come on.

Real quick.

Second base.

Grace, I need to tell you something.

Whether or not you're my actual daughter, I'm so proud of you.

I'm so glad.

That you're in my life.

Are we done now, or... Hey!

High school okay?

Definitely not.

Y 'all hear what happened to Gigglesburg?

Damn close.

Hotel was washed away.

Dang.

Gigglesburg.

What now?

So, how's the new job?

Lucrative. Yeah.

Turns out all the economy needed was math suffering.

I'm leaving.

Yeah.

I figured.

After all this time, I still don't know what to call you.

Mr. Wallace.

Dad.

Don't say teach.

I don't know.

Well, technically, we still don't know. Maybe it's better not to know.

Yeah.

Maybe it's not.

Like father, like maybe daughter.

Hey, hey!

Well, I knew you'd be here.

Got something for you. Hold on. All right. Hit, hit!

Oh, come on! Because he played football!

I was a quarterback.

The government's in turmoil.

Nobody's seen the president in two months.

And yet, the mailman delivers.

Neither rain, nor sleep, nor ick.

I nailed it in.

Grace.

Are you ready?

No.

But what the hell.

Let's open it anyway.