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[easygoing music]

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♪

- How y'’all doing tonight?

[cheers and applause]

How y'’all motherfucker's doing tonight?

[cheers and applause]

Everybody say, "Yeah!"

audience: Yeah!

- How y'’all doing tonight?

Say, "Yeah!"

audience: Yeah!

- Everybody say, "What'’s up?"

audience: What'’s up?

- Everybody say, "Hell yeah."

audience: Hell yeah!

- Everyone say, "What'’s up?"

audience: What'’s up?

- Everybody say, "Oof."

audience: Oof.

- Everyone go, "Oof."

audience: Oof.

- Everybody say, "Umph, umph, umph, fuck."

[laughter]

Come on, Bakersfield, I can'’t hear you.

[laughter]

No photography during the show.

Save that shit for the bedroom.

Please no video during the show.

Save that shit for the bathroom.

Having said all that, y'’all ready for a show?

[cheers and applause]

Come on, y'’all, it's 2004.

Y'’all ready for a show?

[cheering]

Y'’all give it up real big for Brent Weinbach!

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

[applause]

[rhythmic applause]

[slowed rhythmic applause]

[applause tempo increasing]

[slowed rhythmic applause]

[sporadic applause]

[single clap]

[single clap]

[audience claps]

[cheers and applause]

[single clap]

I like a woman with a nice figure.

Right, men?

I like a woman with some curves.

I like a woman who looks like this.

Right, men?

I have a question.

How come men go to strip clubs with other men?

Right?

By a round of applause,

who here is a heterosexual man

who has gone to a strip club with their male friends?

[applause]

Nothing to be embarrassed about.

You'’ve done it before, right?

Nothing to be embarrassed about.

I'’m thinking about getting a boner later tonight.

Do you want to come?

Come on, man, let'’s get some boners, my treat.

I love going out with my buddies and getting boners with them.

I'’ve actually never been to a strip club before,

but if I went to a strip club with you

and we were sitting right next to each other

watching a woman take off her clothes,

would you be comfortable

if I asked you if you had a boner?

Yes?

Yeah, because it'’s just my way

of making sure you'’re having a good time.

I'’m the one paying for it,

and I want to make sure I'’m getting my money's worth.

And your boner'’s worth my money.

I paid for your boner.

I want you to enjoy it, and I want to enjoy it with you.

Would you be comfortable

if I was sitting next to you and I had a boner?

We'’re not at a strip club anymore.

Let'’s say we're at a strip club,

where it'’s legal to get boners.

Would you be comfortable there

if I was sitting next to you and I had a boner?

Yes, because it'’s a strip club, and it'’s legal.

Now, what if a girl was sitting next to you

and she had a boner?

Would you be comfortable with that?

What'’s the biggest boner you'’ve ever had?

Tell me about your father.

What'’s your stance on boners in the classroom?

What if I told you that, right now,

underneath everybody'’s chair,

there was a boner taped to the bottom of the seat?

That'’s how they did it on "Oprah."

Whenever I used to substitute teach high school

in Oakland, California--

and I used to do that for a living--

I would oftentimes come across the phrase,

"Hail nah, hail nah."

"Oh, hail nah, hail nah."

The following is an example

of when I might have found this phrase used.

"Uh, Mr. Weinbach, can I go to my locker real quick?"

"Hail nah, hail nah."

"Now go back to your seat."

Substitute teaching high school in Oakland, California,

I got abused by the students on a daily basis.

I got yelled at.

I got things thrown at me.

Sometimes students criticized my pants

for being worn too tightly.

"Ah, look a the little tight-ass pants he got on.

"'’Sup, Mr. Pants!

"Mr. Pants!

"Wop-wop-wop-wop-wop!

"Motherfucker looking like Spider-Man and shnip.

"Boy, your pants doing too much.

"Look like you wear your little brother'’s pants.

"Motherfucker wearing hand-me-ups and shit.

"You feel me?

Man, your pants so tight, you fucking up mysperm count."

Oh, yeah?

Your pants are so baggy,

it looks like you have a really big, curvy penis.

Go to the office!

And so, to avoid ridicule

and blend in more with the students,

instead of wearing tight pants to school,

I then wore cut-off jean shorts.

When it comes to meeting women,

a certain friend of mine

told me that I'’m too nice and too safe,

and that women like men who are more intimidating

and a little bit dangerous.

Girls like a bad boy.

So recently I'’ve been practicing being more intimidating

in my bedroom by myself in front of a mirror

with a pillow and two hammers.

But tonight I would like

to try out my new approach on a real woman

instead of a pillow and two hammers

that I constructed to look like a woman.

Can I use you as a volunteer?

I'’m not gonna touch you.

All right, come on up.

[applause]

You can stand right here.

I may shake your hand at one point,

but that'’s as far as it'’ll go.

All right. And now,

I would like to present "Intimi-Date."

Hi, my name is Brent Weinbach.

What'’s your name?

- My name is Katie.

- Katie, that'’s a beautiful name

for a beautiful woman.

I want to take you on a boat trip.

I'’m sorry, I'’m not like that.

I'’m not like that; I'’m trying to act a certain way,

and it'’s not really working out the way I want it to.

- Is it okay if I start over? - Go ahead.

- We both deserve a second chance.

Remember, Brent.

You don'’t want to act creepy.

You want to act intimidating.

There'’s a big difference, right?

Yes, master.

Now go back out there and try again.

And remember, I'’m not your master.

I'’m your friend.

Hello.

What'’s your name?

- My name is Katie.

- Brent.

James Brent.

You live here in town?

- No.

- Where do you live?

- I live in Chicago.

- Chicago?

Get...out...

of this town.

[guttural noise]

You better get out of town, Katie,

or you'’re gonna be dead meat.

You'’re dead meat, LaRusso.

You'’re dead meat!

So would you be interested

in going on a boat trip sometime?

You don'’t have to answer that question.

Thank you for coming up here.

Thank you for participating.

And thank you for playing "Intimi-Date."

[cheers and applause]

Words can drastically change meaning

depending on the way you say them, right?

For example, "couscous."

That'’s a simple, innocent, normal word--

or two words, or whatever it is.

"Couscous."

But if I say it like this...

Couscous.

What does that even mean?

I enjoy doing acting jobs,

because acting is a professional way of playing make-believe,

and that'’s fun.

And not just comedy,

but a lot of people don'’t know this about me,

but I can do serious stuff as well.

And recently I'’ve been working on a dramatic scene

in which I play the victim of a robbery.

And I thought that tonight

I could perhaps workshop the scene in front of you.

How about it?

[applause]

All right, would you mind playing the role of the robber?

Yes.

Is that all right?

Okay, great.

Your line is, "Stick '’em up."

All right, you memorize your part?

I know it'’s a small part,

but I think you can do a lot with it.

And I'’m the victim, and I'’m scared.

All right?

All right, here we go.

Action.

- Stick '’em up.

- But maybe a little more energy.

- Stick '’em up.

- Uh...not quite.

I think a little more energy in a different direction,

more like this.

"Stick '’em up."

Like that.

- Stick '’em up.

- Maybe more like this.

"Stick '’em up."

Like that, go ahead.

- Stick '’em up.

- I think more like this.

[slowly] "Stick '’em up."

Stretch it out a little bit.

- Stick '’em up.

- More like this.

[slowly] "Stick '’em up."

Stretch it out.

- Stick '’em up.

- I'’m thinking more like this.

"Stick '’em up."

Come on.

- Stick '’em up.

- I mean, you'’re doing fine,

but it'’s not quite what I think I'’m looking for here.

And look, let'’s just do a series of these, ready?

"Stick '’em up."

- Stick '’em up.

- "Stick '’em up."

"Stick '’em up."

"Stick '’em up."

Think of it like a head honcho Mafioso gangster, okay?

Very intimidating, very scary, like this.

"Stick '’em up!"

Like that.

- Stick '’em up.

- I'’m just not believing it.

I think acting is reacting.

And for me to be believable, you need to be believable.

Are you familiar with the works of Vidal Sassoon?

If you don'’t look good, we don'’t look good.

That'’s something important to bear in mind

when tackling a dramatic scene like this.

Let'’s take it one more time from the top.

You'’re doing great.

One more time from the top.

Here we go, action.

"Stick '’em up!"

How about I play the robber?

I'’ll play the robber.

You play the victim.

How about it?

- Okay. - Okay.

- Here we go, action.

Stick '’em up.

Higher.

Hands up, higher.

Feel it.

Feel it!

Higher.

Fly.

Come on, baby, fly.

Fly, baby, fly.

Come on, baby, fly.

Fly.

Fly.

Sit back down, actually fly.

Bang, you'’re dead.

[laughter and applause]

That'’s the end of the scene.

Thank you for participating.

I believe in the vagina.

Like people believe in God.

I'’ve never seen one before, but I have faith.

Once, I was banned from a comedy club

in Oakland, California, for two weeks.

I would usually do well at this club.

But this one particular night,

the owner thought that my material

was too off-putting and dirty,

so he banned me for two weeks.

And yet, that same night,

a comedian went on who the owner liked

who was much more off-putting and dirty than me,

at least in my opinion.

And so I thought that, tonight,

I would reenact that comedian'’s performance

So that you could see for yourself.

How about it?

[applause]

I will take some creative liberties

during this reenactment.

However, the basic subject matter and presentation

should be pretty accurate.

And so the first thing that came out of this comedian'’s mouth

when he went up on stage was:

I was all up in this girl'’s pussy, right?

You know, doing my thingy-thing and whatnot and what it was.

You know, I'’m all up in this girl'’s pussy,

doing my thingy-thing at the funky brunch.

I'’m all up in this girl'’s pussy,

doing my Linens '’n Things,

doing my whatnots and what it is

and this and that and bedknobs and broomsticks and shnip.

You know, I'’m all up in this girl'’s pussy.

You know, dick is all up in there, you know.

It'’s all juiced out.

Dick is all juiced out, you know...

You know, I'’m all up in this girl'’s pussy, right?

Dick is up in there.

You know, all of a sudden, I'’m like...

[sniffs]

I'’m all like...

[sniffs]

I'’m all like, "Oof."

I'’m all up in it, I'’m thinking, "Oof."

I'’m all like, "Ugh."

I'’m like, "Dang, girl, your pussy stank."

I was like, "Ooh, your motherfuckin'’ pussy

smell nasty." I was like, "Ugh!"

I like--ugh--

I'’m like, "Ugh."

I'’m like--I'm all like, "Ugh--"

I'’m all like, "Ugh."

I'’m all like, "Ugh!"

Smell nasty.

I'’m like, "Ugh," I'’m like, "Oh!"

I'’m all like, "Ew!"

I'’m like, "Dang, girl, that smell yucky, ugh!

"Peeyoo!

Why it smell like that?"

I'’m like, "Dang, girl, your motherfucking--ooh!"

I'’m like...

[sniffing]

[groans loudly]

I'’m like, "Ugh."

I'’m all like, "Ohhhh!"

I'’m all like, "Knees, knees, na-na-na-na-knees!"

So she'’s all crying like I hurt her feelings and shit, right?

She'’s all crying like I hurt her feelings and shit.

I was like, "Baby, I'’m sorry, I was just playing.

You know I love you, girl."

And I put my shit in the back, y'’all.

You know what I'’m saying?

I put the hot dog in the asshole.

You know what I'’m saying?

Hell yeah.

And that shit was tight, y'’all.

But not for long.

Ha-ha!

Nah, for real, though,

what'’s up with white people, though?

What'’s up with white people, y'’all?

Like, when a brother say hello, he be like, "What'’s up?"

When a white dude say hello, he be like,

"Yeah, hi, that sounds like a great idea.

Yeah, bring the kids."

You feel me?

Like, when a brother go to, like, McDonald'’s or something,

he be like, "Quarter pounder with cheese, large fry."

When a white dude go to McDonald'’s, he be all like,

"Oh, hi, my name is Murphy,

"and I'’d like a double cheeseburger

"with no onions, extra pickles.

"Do you use American cheese or cheddar cheese?

"Because I prefer cheddar, but if you only have American,

"then I prefer Kraft singles, 2% milk.

"3% would be too much-- just kidding.

"I'’d like my fries to be crispy but not greasy,

"because my doctor says

"I should watch my cholesterol level.

"You know, I don'’t understand black people.

"You know, whenever a white person goes to McDonald'’s,

"his order is simple and to the point,

"like mine was just now.

"Whenever a black person goes to McDonald'’s, he's all:

"Ugh!

"It smells like pussy up in here!

"Damn, girl, your pussy stank.

Them bedknobs and shnip."

Did that seem less dirty and off-putting than my material?

[laughter and applause]

Who'’s excited about smooth jazz?

[cheering]

A lot of people don'’t like smooth jazz.

I like smooth jazz,

because smooth jazz makes everything look sexy.

And to demonstrate this point,

I'’m going to do some stuff on stage,

and through the power of smooth jazz,

it'’ll magically become sexy right before your very eyes.

All right, let'’s hit track one.

[smooth jazz playing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[low rumble reverberating]

[cheers and applause]

[smooth jazz continues]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[applause]

[music stops]

[applause]

Did that seems sexy to you?

[cheering]

A baby coming out of a baby coming out of a baby

coming out of a Russian mother?

That'’s the power of smooth jazz.

It made that sexy.

Now, I don'’t know if anybody noticed,

but there was an explosion sound effect

in the middle of that piece.

Did you guys hear it?

You guys heard the explosion?

I didn'’t put it there.

I didn'’t edit the song

and insert an explosion sound effect.

The song is actually like that,

and you could look it up for yourself.

It'’s by Cole Tatum.

"Within My Person" is the name of the track.

And it'’s a real song.

And just to refresh your memory,

or in case you missed it the first time,

let'’s hear that part one more time.

Let'’s hear track two.

[smooth jazz playing]

♪

[low rumble reverberating]

[smooth jazz continues]

♪

[music stops]

To me, the inclusion of an explosion sound effect

in the middle of that smooth jazz piece,

to me, it made that song funny, right?

To me, it made that smooth jazz song comedic.

And it made me think to myself,

perhaps if I started using explosions

in my stand-up comedy,

then perhaps my jokes might become funnier.

Or, to some people, funny.

And so, tonight, what I would like to do is,

I would like to perform for you a joke

using an explosion sound effect.

How about it?

[cheers and applause]

Here we go.

Because of my boyish looks and small body frame,

people oftentimes ask me

if I even have hair on my chest.

Does hair growing only from my nipples count?

[explosion sound effect]

[laughter and applause]

It works.

This is my impression of R&B lazy eyelids.

Oh, hey, baby, let me take a look at your hair.

What'’s up, baby, what'’s your name?

- Jamie.

- You like Tevin Campbell?

What you got, baby?

Gimme dough.

What you got, baby?

Gimme dough.

Come on, baby, gimme dough.

Come on, baby, gimme dough, come on, dough.

Come on, dough.

Come on...dough.

Come on, baby, gimme dough.

Dough.

Come on, little more prestissimo, baby.

Come on, give me re.

♪ Re

Come on.

♪ Re

There you go, come on.

♪ Re

Re, come on, more prestissimo.

♪ La

Come on.

♪ La

Like this.

♪ La

- ♪ La

♪ La

[laughter and applause]

- What, you trying to upstage me now?

What y'’all like?

Y'’all like trip-hop?

Okay, okay, okay.

Y'’all like new age?

Cool, cool, cool.

Y'’all like old age?

Double cool, double cool.

Y'’all like Ice Age?

Y'’all like "Ice Age 2: Meltdown"?

Y'’all like trip-hop again?

What y'’all like?

Y'’all like Keith Sweat?

Y'’all like Shanice?

Y'’all like the "Above the Rim" soundtrack?

What y'’all like?

Y'’all like new-school R&B?

Y'’all like new-school R&B?

[cheering]

♪ Why don'’t you come to my house? ♪

[singing indistinctly]

♪ Everybody then a something

♪ And I'’m making fun of something ♪

♪ Got your party jumping

♪ Machu Picchu

[singing indistinctly]

♪ Motion

[laughter and applause]

♪ I'’m gonna make you breakfast ♪

♪ Gonna make you breakfast

All right, y'’all, we gonna take it down a notch.

Where the birthday girl at?

Where the birthday girl at?

Oh, there she go, right there.

Y'’all it's her birthday.

You can'’t hide from me, girl.

I see you.

It'’s her birthday, y'all.

Come on up, girl.

You know it'’s your birthday.

Come on up, come on up.

There you go, come on.

You know it'’s your birthday.

Come on up, girl.

You think you could hide from me?

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh, baby.

Have a seat, baby.

'’Sup, girl?

You looking good.

Make a nigga wanna fuck and shit.

You know what I'’m saying?

Dick all hard.

Girl, you got my dick on swol.

Dick on swol.

Acorn on wet.

Girl, you make my acorn turn into chocolate.

When is your birthday?

- Uh-- - Today.

- All right, we about to serenade up in this piece.

We about to serenade up in thispiece.

I did impeticos thy gratillity,

for Malvolio'’s nose is no whipstock.

My lady has a white hand,

and the Marmadukes are no bottle-ale houses.

What, y'’all don't like Shakespeare?

Y'’all don't like that "Twelfth Night"?

Oh, we '’bout to serenade up in this piece.

Here we go.

[exhales sharply]

[exhales sharply]

♪ Happy birthday

♪ To

♪ You

♪ Ooh

♪ Ooh

♪ Ooh

♪ Ooh-- I'’m not gonna touch you ♪

♪ Ooh

♪ Oooooh

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooooooh

[applause]

Word.

♪ Happy birthday

♪ To you-hoo-hoo

♪ Hoo-hoo

♪ It'’s your motherfuckin' birthday ♪

♪ Hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo

[scatting]

♪ Stick my mother-mm getting mm ♪

♪ In your mm-hole, girl

That'’s the end of the song.

Thank you for coming up here and participating.

That'’s a good sport.

Thank you.

[applause]

That'’s a good sport, that'’s a good sport.

You came up here not knowing what to expect,

but you came up here anyway.

It was a gamble for you to come up here,

and you ended up winning.

Everybody wins on their birthday.

Sometimes people criticize me for not acting natural on stage

and for seeming too stiff and too serious

and for seeming too much like a news reporter.

What if I acted like this?

Hey, everybody, how'’s it going?

I know what you'’re thinking.

If Pee-wee Herman and Mr. Bean had a baby,

this is what it'’d look like.

I know, I know.

Sometimes I wish that joke wouldn'’t work.

You know what I'’m saying?

So a little bit about myself.

My wife and I just had a baby.

Thank you, give it up for me.

Wife and I just had a baby.

Thank you, thank you.

I don'’t have a joke about it, but give it up for me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I know what you'’re thinking.

If Brad Pitt and Whoopi Goldberg had a baby,

this is what it'’d look like.

I know, I know.

Sometimes I wish that joke wouldn'’t work.

You know what I'’m saying?

Hey, you guys like impressions?

This is my impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger

on the toilet.

[groaning loudly]

Get down!

And I got the hell out of there.

It was crazy.

I also do children'’s parties, by the way.

But seriously, though,

what'’s up with convenience stores, right, guys?

Seriously, what'’s up with convenience stores?

You ever walk into a convenience store

and you hear the phrase "my friend"?

[Indian accent] "32 cent, my friend.

Slurpee is 55 cent, my friend."

No matter what he says,

it'’s always gonna end with "my friend."

You know what I'’m saying?

[Indian accent] "You come to my store, my friend.

"You insult my culture, my friend.

"You cannot do this, my friend.

"This is great offense to me, my friend.

"You know, maybe it'’s okay if you were joking around,

"you know, if we know each other,

"you'’re joking around,

"you'’re having some fun or something like that

"and we actually are friends, my friend.

"But you'’re not my friend, my friend.

"You are not my friend, my friend.

"You bitch.

"Friend of mine.

"You know, you pretend to be some kind of, like,

"you know, generic type comedian,

"some kind of, like, hacky comedian or something like that,

"but you'’re actually pretending to be bad comedian right now.

You'’re actually pretending to be bad comedian."

Well, what makes you think

I'’m pretending to be a '’bard cormedian?'

[Indian accent] "Why you mock me right now?

"You know, I tried to give you advice, and you mock me.

"You say, '’Oh, what you mean to be bad comedian?'’

"Look, I tell you, one, you cannot do good accent.

"I don'’t know what accent or what country

"you think this character is from,

"but you cannot do good accent.

"This is not good accent.

"You cannot do accent.

"This is not good accent.

"Two, this is not your style of joke, you know?

"You try to do this other style.

"It'’s not your style; it doesn'’t fit.

"You cannot do this style, you know?

"Three, you got to act natural on stage.

"When you perform, you have to act natural.

"You have to be yourself.

"You have to act normal.

"You have to be yourself.

"You have to be more like...

'’When I substitute teach high school in Oakland...'’"

Oh, you mean like this?

[sternly] Whenever I used to substitute teach high--

[Indian accent] "No, no, no, you'’re doing too much.

"You do it too much.

"You mock yourself.

"First you mock me; now you mock yourself.

"You mock yourself now, you know?

"Do not mock yourself.

"Look, forget it, I'’ll do it myself.

"I'’ll go like this.

"Whenever I substitute teach high school in Oakland,

"I hear this phrase that go like,

"'’Hey now, hey now.'

"The following is how it go.

"Go like this.

"'’Mr. Weinbach, can I go my locker real quick?'’

"'’Hey now, haden nah, haden nah.

"Hey--helli--hedinah--heg nah.'’

"Something like that.

"'’Egginah,' something like that.

"'’Egg nah,' something like that, right?

"It'’s like 'helinah'’ or something like that, right?

"'’Elinah, elinah,' or something.

"Do you say '’helinah'?

"Or what do you say?

Like, '’Helinah'?"

So I'’m single, and I...

But that'’s--but that's--

And I...

[applause]

Did that seem any more natural to you?

[explosion sound effect]

[cheers and applause]

Once, I went on a date with a Chinese woman

to a Chinese restaurant.

And so, to impress my date, I learned some Cantonese

so that I could order in her native tongue.

The waitress came up to us and said,

"Hi, guys, can I take your order?"

And I said,

"Gimme pork bun.

I need pork bun, please."

"Steve cut me off.

"I got nobody, no me gusta.

Gimme pork bun?"

And my date said...

"What the hell?

Where did you learn how to speak Chinese so well?"

I learned from the streets.

And now I would like to present the Russian alphabet.

[Russian accent] "A" is for "ice."

"B" is for "bobble zoo."

"C" is for "sizzle."

"D" is for "deez nuts."

"E" is for "E'’Michael Jackson Auditorium."

"F" is for, "If I fall in love, it will be forever."

"G" is for "jiggle."

Jiggle.

"G" is for "Gibbler."

Kimmy.

"H" is for...

[mumbling] "Hay, tigablay."

"I" is for "Igor."

"J"...

is for "Juicy Juice."

"K" is for "K-Swiss."

"L" is for "Elephantitis."

Don'’t even get me started.

"M" is for, "Mama said knock you oush."

"N" is for "Anastasia."

"O" is for, "Oh, snap."

"P" is for "pubics."

"Q" is for "cube."

"R" is for "Rubik'’s."

"S" is for "psych you out."

"T" is for "Torn."

I'’m torn between to "G"s,

"G" for "jiggle" and "G" for "Gibbler."

I do not know which I like best.

Therefore, I am "T" for "torn."

"U" is for, "Uff, dollar nipples."

"V" is for "very big bush."

"W" is for "Double Dutch."

"X" is for "big pussy."

"Y" is for "nyet."

"Z" is for "Zoobaleezoo."

[cheers and applause]

[normal voice] Those are the lowercase letters.

And now I would like to present the uppercase.

"A": "Asshole, fuck you, motherfucker,

get the fuck out my house, motherfucker."

"B": "Bitch, fuck you, bitch,

get the fuck out my house, motherfucker."

"C": "Cocksucker motherfucker,

get the fuck out my house, motherfucker."

"D": "Do it, get the fuck out my house, motherfucker."

"E": "E'’right now, get the fuck out my house, motherfucker."

"F": "Fuck you, get the fuck out my house, motherfucker."

"G": "Get out, get the fuck out my house, motherfucker."

"H": "House, it'’s mine.

Get the fuck out my house, motherfucker."

"I": "I'’m serious, get the fuck out my house, motherfucker."

"J": "Joking?

"No, I am not joking.

Get the fuck out my house, motherfucker."

"K": "Kick your ass, I'’ll do it.

Get the fuck out my house, motherfucker."

"L": "Look...

"Fuck you, motherfucker.

Get the fuck out my house, motherfucker."

"M": "McDonald'’s?

"Fine, go there.

"I don'’t give shit.

Just get the fuck out my house, motherfucker."

"N": "Now, do it now.

Get the fuck out my house, motherfucker."

"O": "Olright, get the fuck out my house, motherfucker."

"P": "Please.

Just get the fuck out my house, motherfucker"

"Q": "Quant you understand?

Get the fuck out my house, motherfucker."

"R": "Ready or not, get the fuck out my house."

"S": "Still here?

No shit, get the fuck out my house, motherfucker."

"T": "The fuck out my house, get."

"U": "Ugh, just get the fuck out my house, motherfucker."

"V": "Vuck you.

Get the vuck out my house, mothervucker."

"W": "What I just say?

Get the fuck out my house, motherfucker."

"X": "Exit the house.

Get the fuck out the house."

"Y": "Why?

Because, fuck you, get the fuck out my house, motherfucker."

"Z": "Zebra."

[cheers and applause]

[normal voice] I would just like to apologize.

I don'’t like to use curse words onstage or offstage,

but I used curse words in that last piece

to maintain the integrity and accuracy of that character.

It was in the name of integrity.

A lot of stand-up comedians like to tell jokes onstage.

Not me.

I do tell some jokes, but I don'’t like jokes,

because jokes, you have to get, and I don'’t like that.

I like when you can laugh at something

and not understand why,

or you don'’t necessarily understand why in your head,

but you understand why on a deeper level

that goes beyond words,

and you understand it in your body and in your heart,

and you feel it,

and you fly.

It'’s a lot like laughing at things

the way you did when you were a child.

Do you remember that?

By a round of applause, who here remembers

laughing at things the way you did when you were a kid?

[applause]

Well, there'’s a little boy inside every man and woman.

I want to touch that boy with my comedy.

To me, that'’s comedy in its purest, purest form.

But I'’ll tell you a joke,

for old time'’s sake.

For old time'’s sake, I'’ll tell you a joke.

[applause]

I'’ll tell you a joke for old time'’s sake.

What did the college student get

when he messed around with a dirty loan officer?

Financial AIDS.

That was a bad joke.

That was a bad joke.

People did laugh at it,

but it was a bad joke,

and I apologize for telling it.

And...

I'’ll leave you alone.

audience: Aww.

[laughter]

- Oh, you want me to keep going?

[cheers and applause]

I don'’t know, guys.

That last joke was kind of bad.

I don'’t know.

audience: Aww.

[laughter]

- You want me to keep going, huh?

[cheers and applause]

I don'’t know, guys.

That last joke was kind of bad.

I just--I don'’t know.

[laughter and jeering]

You want me to keep going?

[cheers and applause]

I don'’t know, guys.

That last joke was kind of bad.

I don'’t know.

[laughter]

You want me to keep going, huh?

[cheers and applause]

I don'’t know, guys.

That last joke-- that last joke--I just--

[laughter]

Okay, last time.

Do you want me to keep going?

[cheers and applause]

I don'’t know, guys.

That last joke--that last joke--

[muttering]

[laughter]

[applause]

Did you think my leg was weird for kissing me on the lips?

It'’s not weird.

She does it all the time.

This is how you say "penis" in Portuguese.

"Pie-eenis."

[speaking fake Portuguese]

Pie-eenis.

Ooh-ha-ooh-ooh, ooh-ha-ooh-ooh-ha.

Ooh-ha-ooh-ooh-ha.

[speaking fake Portuguese]

Pie-eenis.

"Pie-eenis."

This is how you say "penis" in French.

"Le peen."

This is how you say "vagina" in French.

"Ja vela creme de la pus."

This is how you say "penis" in Spanish.

"Piñatas."

Hola, que tal.

¿Cuantos piñatas fumasa hora?

¿Todos?

¿Fumas todos los piñatas?

Which in English translates to,

"How many penises you smoke right now?

"All of them?

You smoked all the penises?"

This is how you say "penis" in German.

"Peni-schnitzel."

This is how you say "penis" in Russian.

"Rollerblades."

"I wear my rollerblades so I could get home faster.

Booski."

Which in English translates to,

"You smoked all the penises?"

This is how you say "penis" in 1980s rap music.

"Yo, word up to your mother.

Penis."

This is how you say "penis" in "Super Mario Brothers."

[game melody] ♪ Penis-penis-penis

This is how you say "penis" in wine country.

"Pinot."

This is how you say "black penis" in wine country.

"Pinot Noir."

This is how you say "penis" in sign language.

[laughter]

And finally,

this is how you say "penis" in butthole.

"Couscous."

[laughter and applause]

Sometimes people criticize me for acting too creepy onstage.

What if I acted like this?

[exhales]

[exhales sharply]

[groans slightly]

[English accent] What do you get when you cross a kitten

with a puppy?

Two meals for the price of one.

[whining creepily]

[grumbling]

[exhales sharply]

What'’s the difference

between ice cream and a bucket of seven heads?

I don'’t like ice cream!

[whines creepily]

Allo, miss.

How are you?

- Good.

- [sniffs vigorously]

[moans]

You smell well nice.

[whispering] Meet me in the woods tonight.

You know what the problem with poo-poo is?

God made it delicious.

[whines creepily]

So I'’m single, and I...

But that'’s...

[cheers and applause]

Did that seem less creepy to you?

If I wasn'’t a stand-up comedian, I'’d be a full-time musician.

Tonight I would like to fuse music with comedy.

Tonight I will be the conductor, and you will be the orchestra.

How about it?

[cheers and applause]

All right.

This portion of the audience will be the brass section.

When I point to you, you will make this noise.

[atonal moaning]

You memorize your part?

We'’re gonna practice.

Remember, the intensity at which I point to you,

you want to respond to that appropriately, right?

All right, we'’re gonna practice.

Here we go.

[atonal moaning]

[moaning stops]

[applause]

Work on it.

This middle portion of the audience

will be the wind section.

When I point to you, you will make this noise.

[mimicking flatulence]

You'’re the wind section.

Get it?

And make it sound wet when you do it.

Even you guys up in the back, same here.

All of you, this whole thing.

And finally, this portion of the audience

will be the vocal ensemble, the choir.

When I point to you, you will make this noise.

[loud sigh]

You know where this is going.

But we'’re gonna do it anyway.

I know some of you don'’t like classical music,

but tonight we embrace the arts.

[atonal moaning]

[atonal moaning]

[staccato moaning]

[quiet moaning]

[loud moaning]

[staccato moaning]

[quiet moaning]

[moaning]

[loud moaning]

[mimicking flatulence]

[laughter]

[rising moan]

[mimicking flatulence]

[moaning]

[mimicking flatulence]

[loud moaning]

[mimicking flatulence]

[laughter]

[applause]

[moaning]

[mimicking flatulence]

[moaning]

[mimicking flatulence]

[alternating moans, flatulence]

[staccato flatulence]

[laughter]

[staccato flatulence]

[whooshing flatulence]

[laughter]

[applause]

[moaning and flatulence]

[moaning and flatulence]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[brief moan]

[staccato moans]

[rising moan]

[whooshing flatulence]

[loud sigh]

[cheers and applause]

That piece was entitled "Weinbach'’s Movement No. 2."

As I mentioned earlier, I don'’t go to strip clubs.

I never have, and I never will,

because, to me, it'’s frustrating enough

looking at a woman with her clothes on.

You don'’t mind me looking at you when I say that, do you?

You don'’t mind me dressing you with my eyes?

You don'’t mind me imagining you wearing nothing

but everything you'’re wearing right now?

Plus an oversized ski jacket?

Plus a rainbow scarf around your neck?

Plus a sock on your penis?

And because I'’m naive to the strip club circuit,

I once met a stripper, but I had no idea.

Our conversation went as follows.

Hi, my name is Brent Weinbach.

What do you do for a living?

"Uh, I'’m a dancer."

You mean like tap?

"No, I'’m an exotic dancer."

You mean like Butoh?

And that was the end of our conversation.

Now, a lot of people don'’t know this about me,

but I used to be a Butoh dancer.

And for those of you who don'’t know what Butoh is,

Butoh is an ancient Japanese modern dance form.

Originally developed in the late 1950s

in Berlin.

Circa 1983.

And a third of that is true.

It'’s essentially Japanese modern dance.

And I thought that tonight

I would end my performance and the show

with a prepared Butoh piece.

How about it?

[cheers and applause]

This is more of a serious piece,

and it is entitled "The Bone Collector."

And I know you guys came to see a comedy show

and didn'’t expect to see Japanese modern dance,

but I just felt I wanted to end the show

on a more poignant note,

and I felt I could better express myself as an artist

through this closing piece.

And so, without further ado,

I give you this Japanese modern dance Butoh piece

entitled "The Bone Collector."

["Bad to the Bone" by George Thorogood plays]

[laughter]

♪

- ♪ Now on the day I was born♪

♪ The nurses all gathered '’round ♪

♪ And they gazed in wide wonder ♪

♪ At the joy they had found

♪ The head nurse spoke up

♪ Said leave this one alone

♪ She could tell right away

[cheering]

♪ That I was bad to the bone

[laughter]

♪ Bad to the bone

♪ B-B-B-B-Bad

♪ B-B-B-B-Bad

♪ B-B-B-B-Bad

♪ Bad to the bone

♪ I broke a thousand hearts

♪ Before I met you

[cheering]

♪ Before I am through

♪ I wanna be yours, pretty baby ♪

♪ Yours and yours alone

[laughter]

♪ That I'’m bad to the bone ♪

♪ Bad to the bone

♪ B-B-B-Bad

♪ B-B-B-Bad

♪ B-B-B-Bad

♪ Bad to the bone

♪

♪

♪ I make a rich woman beg

♪ I'’ll make a good woman steal ♪

♪ I'’ll make an old woman blush ♪

♪ And make a young girl squeal ♪

♪ I wanna be yours, pretty baby ♪

♪ Yours and yours alone

♪ I'’m here to tell ya, honey ♪

♪ That I'’m bad to the bone ♪

♪ B-B-B-B-Bad

[laughter]

♪ B-B-B-B-Bad

♪ Bad to the bone

[laughter]

♪

[applause]

[cheers and applause]

[music stops]

[applause]

Do you have a boner now?

You should all have boners.

My name is Brent Weinbach.

Thank you for listening.

Good night.

[cheers and applause]

[cheering continues]