All language subtitles for Airplane_2025_1080p_Web_x265 - [CUK]

Ruby, did you bring my chaser,
stewardess?

Oh, I brought you a chaser.

Oh, my wife.

Stewart is glory. I had no idea.

Oh, wow.

It was you.

It was always you.

Has it been that obvious?

Well, every time you've come into the
cockpit, you've been naked.

Well, that is because I want you so bad.

the hell is that? Oh, it's nothing.

What do you mean it's nothing? It's the
Berlin Wall of sex blockers. It's the

Great Wall of China.

But you have the key, Butch. My father
gave you the key. Oh, Butch.

Butch.

Oh, what? What? No.

Who's Butch?

I'm Barry.

I'm not Butch. Huh? What?

Who's Butch? Barry? What are you doing
here?

It's me, the true love of your life.

No, no, no. This is an arranged
marriage. Oh, I have to leave. I have to

Butch.

What are you, some kind of square?

There's no virgins in 1973.

But I have a virgin! Virgin! Virgin!

Virgin! I heard you talking in your
sleep.

You like pilots?

No.

Why are you traveling solo today?

Oh, no.

My girlfriends and I are flying to D .C.

You see, I'm getting hitched to this
guy.

Kind of a last moment thing.

Married? Mm -hmm.

Far out.

Good

evening,

and welcome to DCF Airlines Flight 420.

We will begin boarding our red -eye to
Washington, D .C. momentarily.

Get ready and buckle up.

college life without me. Boring, of
course.

Of course.

Chest out, stomach in, here comes Missy
Kellerman.

Wait, are you working this way?

Yes. Economy with Dolores DeHado.

And you're late, Miss Kellerman.

Really, Dolores?

Buzzkill. She'll be fine.

The clock is ticking.

I'm sorry, Miss Rick and Bottom. I just
need to get changed real quick, ladies.

You mean this isn't your stewardess
uniform?

I'm timing you. This plane will leave
without you.

They wouldn't dare.

Let's go.

Proper bachelorette parties call for
proper attire.

Ooh. I don't know. This looks a little
risque.

I know. Isn't it grand?

Andy, don't tell me you're still
planning on becoming a nun.

Of course I am.

I'm going straight to the Vatican after
we send her off down the aisle because

God is my perfect husband.

He never cheats and always forgives me
if I ask him real nice.

Here, put this on.

Look,

this, this is my deal with God. This is
my last

hurrah. And then I'm just going to give
it up.

Lord Almighty.

So, anything goes?

Just on this plane.

Ah! This is gonna be a gas!

Come on, don't be such a square, Gloria.
Even the Lord is giving her a pass.

Praise Jesus.

Fine, I'm in like Flynn.

Yay!

Are you not changing gifts? Oh, yes. I'm
working, um, on your flight.

I gotta quit this job. I am so tired of
being an actress who isn't actressing. A

model who...

Just as long as you give us the liquor
cart so we can keep lickering. Of

because Gloria's getting married!

Hi,

girl! Thank you.

I'm so happy. This is a party, not a
shrink session.

I have just the thing.

God will protect us.

And Susie, I can fill a security bag.

Candy, I never pictured you as a
druggie.

I'm not.

But the plane is my whole pass for the
night. Five hours. Now it's a party.

Before we send our beautiful Gloria off
down the aisle, we've got to make sure

she is drunk, drugged, and plugged.

together for years and you never... I
just couldn't. There's so much pressure

and what if I do something wrong?

Honey, you could do it so wrong that if
Johnson would break off in your vagina

and he would still thank you.

That's reassuring.

Then don't.

Don't what?

Have sex with my husband? Ever?

No. Don't lose your virginity to him.

Lose it with somebody else first.

Like a practice sex. Yeah.

On the plane. Yeah.

airlines offer these kinds of services?
Sure they do.

Haven't you ever heard of the Mile High
Club?

Is it like Girl Scouts, but for doing
it?

Yeah. You just find some Joe Schmo on
aisle 6B and do it right there. No,

they're not animals. You do it in the
bathroom.

Ew,

the bathroom? I once had a friend who
did it in a luggage rack once.

I thought it was...

So weird?

Friend? I don't know.

You act like it's life -changing. It's
really not. It's whatever.

If it's whatever, then you're just doing
it all wrong. It really could be

happening.

It isn't. Well, I hope that you have
your spiritual awakening on the Mile

Club today. Attention.

BTS Airlines Flight 420 will begin
boarding shortly.

All passengers who need more assistance
can begin boarding now.

Well, I think I'm okay with it just
being a bachelorette party.

But, Gloria, this could be your last
chance to have some fun. I mean, who

knows what your husband is like?

Good point.

Think of it as your last chance to be in
charge of your own destiny.

One last time.

And we'll join you.

Not like join you.

Uh -uh. No.

Not like join you, but we'll join the
Mile High Club, too.

Maybe. Fine.

Okay, okay, I'm in.

Kind of. Is.

Oh. Maybe.

Kind of.

Okay, 100%, I'm in.

But you can't tell Butch. It's going to
be a little... To the Mile High Club!

To the Mile High Club! To the Mile High
Club!

To the Mile High Club! To the Mile High
Club!

To the Mile High Club!

To the Mile High Club!

To the Mile High Club! To the Mile High
Club! To the Mile High Club! To the Mile

High Club! To the Mile High Club! To the
Mile High Club! To the Mile High Club!

To the Mile High Club! To the Mile High
Club! To the Mile High Club! To the Mile

High Club! To the Mile High Club! To the
Mile High Club! To the Mile High Club!

To the Mile High Club! To the Mile High
Club! To the Mile High Club! To the Mile

High Club! To the Mile High Club! To the
Mile High Club!

To the Mile High Club!

To the Mile High Club!

To the Mile High Club!

No, Mr. Ellerman.

Have a good day.

As do you, too.

We will see you on the plane.

What about John

Holmes in there? Oh, it wouldn't be the
first time he's missed a flight. Come

on, ladies.

Let's get out of here.

Keep it single file, clean and tight.
Thank you.

Oh, we're boarding first class right
now, so you'll have to go to the back of

the line.

Can't you do something for a celebrity?

If I see one.

Oh my God, what have you done to my
coffee?

That's a cock commercial.

Come on, I did like three of those
things.

Sorry, I know my cousin is a douche.

Do you think you would have first class
seats for us?

Oh, that commercial.

Yeah, and here are your first class
tickets.

Whoa, first class.

You are a fan of me.

Huge fan.

Thank you.

Bambi. Bambi.

Hey, hot stuff, how's it hanging?

Pick it, please.

Pick it.

Really, Bo?

What? No.

Velvet Underground, Zappa, Nico.

Not some Frampton wannabe wedding
singer.

Well, maybe he can be your Mile High man
meet.

I'd rather do Pat Boone while Liberace
watched.

Fiddlesticks. She looks P .O'd.

I'll see you ladies on the plane.

Ta -ta.

Bye.

What if I can't even find anyone I want
to do it with?

Oh, Gloria.

I don't think you're going to have any
trouble getting lift off.

I left my purse in the locker room.
Well, you better book it. We're about to

board. Okay. Go.

Looking for this?

Yes, thank you.

Barry! I'm going to stop you from
getting on that plane. I have nothing to

to you.

I'd say nothing.

You just went away with me. It was
buried too late.

I'm really sorry for what I put you and
your dad through, and I will pay him

back every cent. And look, I got a job
now. It's a real job. I'm a janitor.

It's legitimate.

They take out taxes and everything.

It's a weekly paycheck.

Look, and if that's not enough, I will
get two jobs.

No, I'll get three.

I will get ten jobs to pay your debt.
Look, you've got to learn to trust me

again. You have to know that I love you,
and I never meant to hurt you or your

father, and I will spend the rest of my
life paying you back for that.

Stupid, stupid investment.

Well, it wasn't that stupid.

Reusable wallpaper so you can change the
look of your room every day.

It was actually mine before.

I didn't even stick to the wall.

My father invested everything.

I'm not.

Goodbye, baby.

Oh, ladies.

Oh, sweet mother of God.

Captain Jesus.

It smells so heavy.

Me? That's me. Me, my new perfume.

Do you want to know me, Jesus?

It's, uh, Jesus, uh, Captain.

Captain Jesus, the J is silent.

Oh.

I've been saying it wrong this whole
time.

You smell divine.

Can I help you, Captain Hayes?

Yes, yes, Miss Reckonbottom. Have you
seen my co -pilot? I want to make it to

the church on time, as the saying goes.

Let me page him.

I'm here, I'm here.

Sorry I'm late. The run, you know, just
a messy, messy cell.

Um, will you be, uh, joining us?

Of course, I am.

Flying the plane.

Come on, Delilah.

Hi,

Pumpkin.

Daddy? What are you doing on this plane?

Well, I'm headed to D .C. like you.

I'm still a senator. I'm not in jail
yet.

Daddy, that's not funny. I'm kidding. I
wouldn't miss my daughter's big day.

Yeah, but... I didn't expect you for a
few more days.

Don't worry.

Stay out of your hair. You guys do your
tough warrior parties or press -off.

Whatever it is you girls do, I'm sure
it's nice and innocent.

I got a little work, and then it's the
happiest day of my life. Okay.

Hey, Bo.

Sir, yes, sir.

Permission to speak freely, sir?

Your fly's on zip, sir.

Hey, Bo, I'm sorry you got kicked out of
medical school.

Oh, that's okay.

They were just mad that I was screwing
with the cadavers. Yeah.

I'm sure your parents are very proud.
Does she have to be here?

Daddy, she's my oldest friend.

I thought I was your oldest friend.

Okay, not your oldest, but your hottest.

Is it Candy?

It's Candy, right? Hi, Candy.

Hi, sir.

Okay, I hate to break up this sting
operation, but it's time for us,

to go back to the economy class.

Honey, stay up here with me, please.

Daddy?

Okay. I'll see you in D .C.

Don't do anything stupid.

Hey. Go, go, go, go, go.

See you later.

Don't worry, Senator.

I'm keeping an eye on her, okay?

Okay.

My little girl's getting married.

I don't give a shit.

You're a whore.

You sure you're okay?

Why?

What'd you hear?

The run.

Oh, yeah.

I'm cool, man.

Thanks.

What do you want me to do first?

You're funny.

I like that.

You're the captain.

So, wait, aren't you supposed to be
clean -shaven? You know, captain?

Oh, this. Yeah, I think it's, um... I
think it's sexy.

Do you not agree?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I agree, yeah.

Does Uncle Sam agree? I don't know your
uncle, but I'm sure they're sexy as

well.

I'm actually a transfer pilot from
Nazareth.

This is your first American flight?

Yeah. Okay, great.

You're a funny man.

I actually needed that. This is, uh, my
first flight as captain.

So, I'm really glad you're here.

Yeah, me too. Especially after hearing
that. Oh, relax.

I was a co -pilot for a very long time.

All right. We are clear for takeoff.

Doors and windows are locked.

Fuel checks out.

Back this baby up.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
captain speaking.

We are clear for takeoff.

I can't believe my father's on this
plane.

I'm not going to do this whole Mile High
Club thing, not with my dad in the

first class.

Ew.

I want to do it with your dad.

No.

I meant, how am I supposed to join the
Mile High Club?

What's this?

Where did that come from?

What?

This is it for me.

I've got to make the best of it while I
can.

Besides, I might have had a cool little
or two prior to this.

No turning back now.

Oh my gosh, are you tripping right now?

No.

Are you talking to your ass?

Holy crap, how much did you take?

You ask a lot of questions for talking
to your ass.

Ladies,

last at the ready.

There are people here.

To the One Mile High Club.

Is giraffe drink that?

Bye. To the One Mile High Club.

Hello, Senator.

Care for a drink?

Yes, I would, Angel.

Where are you going?

I've got to take a look.

You got it from here?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Hey, Bambi. Need help with math?

Oh, no, I got it.

Half of them are asleep anyways.

Let's do it. We'll be back in a minute.

Red -eyed lights are aces, girl.

Hello. How are your friends?

Oh, what friends?

Best friends since grade school. All the
girls are, really.

And now Gloria's getting married. I'm so
happy for her.

So sweet. Have you met the fiancé?

None of us have. Not even Gloria.

What? Old school.

Is she onish?

You're a Republican.

Her dad's a senator in first class.

Senator Rufus, that's her dad?

He's a bit of a square, but he really
loves her.

Oh, gotta go.

So, Gloria, are you scoping out who you
want to join the Mile High Club with?

Maybe that cute tennis player that was
checking you out?

Maybe, I don't know.

I just get a little nervous.

But after everything with Barry, I
really want to join the Mile High Club

this plane.

Because... I'm the one in charge of my
destiny.

Not Barry.

Certainly not Butch.

Butch.

Butch.

Who's Butch?

My husband, whom I haven't even met yet.
Butch.

You're not going to have a problem
joining the Mile High Club.

Plus, that tennis player is a stud.

They do look so hot together.

I don't know. Isn't it wrong that she's
my fiancé? You haven't even met him yet.

Not cheating for a Lord, guys.

Put him all the way up here, and he's
all the way back there.

Giving faith.

Andrew, libido a little nudge.

Oh, no!

Excuse me, sir.

Do you think you could sit in seats with
me?

It's just, I'm sitting in the middle,
and I have to pee a lot.

It's a really long flight, and I have a
little bladder.

Oh, yeah.

Sure.

No problemo.

Hey, ladies.

Wow, that's quite a rocket, a racket.

Yeah, it's got a good head size, and the
length is really perfect for when I

gotta slam it in.

Let's ring to that.

Attention, passengers.

The captain has turned off the fasten
seatbelt sign and turned on the smoking

sign. Enjoy.

Are you in your new friend?

No.

Thanks, you did.

The world is more connected by the love
that you express through your kindness.

That's so deep, my son.

Gloria, isn't that...

Deep? Of course.

I know, right?

Do you two want to talk about this alone
in our private VIP first class lounge?

Oh, love knows no social construct.

Love knows no caste system.

VIP is a myth.

You can do drugs and have sex in
private.

Righteous, let's go.

Okay, follow me.

Love you, baby.

Talk to you later.

You try.

Okay.

Oh.

Oh, man.

Whoa.

Woo. I always forget this stuff perks me
up so fast.

Oh, damn.

I'm sporting a major kickstand right
now.

Oh, yeah?

Well, let's spark that bike of yours,
big boy.

That's sexy cock.

Yeah.

Cool. Oh, okay. Oh, it's happening. All
right. Let's do it. You first. You

first. Yeah, that's what I'm talking
about.

Get big. Get big, Bert. Get big, Bert.

Good. Let's go.

Mm -hmm. Let's go. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

I love this.

Oh, I love this. Oh, I love you.

The universe.

Oh, wait.

You don't love me. We just met.

Oh, this is going way too fast. Sorry,
sister.

This isn't going to work.

I'm a professional tennis player.

Mm -hmm. Each match has to start one way
and one way only.

Oh.

It is not only my personal life
philosophy.

It is in the internationally recognized
professional tennis player's handbook.

Okay.

I'm being such a head kiss by this. I'm
sorry. It's just a lot going on.

Let's try this again. No, no, no, no,
no.

I'm sorry. I can't.

My bag's got a flap.

Oh.

Well, that was fast.

Um... I think I'm going to go now.

Bummer, sister.

But it's all love, baby.

Hi, what happened?

The window of opportunity had been shut.

I wasn't loving it the way you wanted me
to.

Well, you're a virgin. You'll get better
with practice.

Oh, Susie, I didn't mean it like that.

Hey, baby, what's up?

Does a pro -tennis drug test?

You bet your ass they do.

Let's get you back to your seat.

Fuck!

Fuck!

How am I supposed to sneak past my dad?

I don't want to tell him she's traveling
by virginity.

Just stay behind me, okay?

Only sneak past when you get a chance.
Okay.

Oh, hello, Senator.

This is our mid -flight champagne
service.

Thank you, Susie. Hey, was that my
daughter?

Don't be silly. You've had a few too
many. Okay.

Okay. All right.

Are you an actor?

Yes. And I bet you're an actress.

Yes, I am. How could you tell?

Oh, you have obvious talent.

I'm Sid Epstein. You may remember me
from that commercial.

Oh, my God!

What have you done to my coffee?

Yes, you were incredible.

You actually inspired me to switch
brands.

That means the world to me.

Sadly, that's true.

Are you up for another commercial?

Uh, I'm headed to New York for a big
audition.

We have a layover in D .C., which I
need, because I don't have my lines

Well, um, maybe I could help you with
your line?

I'd love that, but where? I would hate
to disturb the other passengers.

Meet me in the VIP lounge in the back in
10 minutes.

It'll be just you and me. I just need to
pick a few people up first.

Out of sight.

Excuse me. I hate to break up your
little casting session, but can I have

champagne? Oh, yes.

I'm so sorry. I'm going to eat all of
them. Thank you.

Okay.

Okay.

You proud of yourself?

Daily.

Wow,

that was fast.

Typical. See, Bo, you've only had bad
sex.

We never did it.

He started talking about love, and I
started thinking about Barry.

Barry? Why are you thinking about Barry?

I meant Butch, my future husband whom
I'm marrying for love. Butch. You said

Barry. It was a slip of the tongue.

A Freudian slip. A Freudian slip.

But the point is, we never did it.

I can't do it.

I will never do it. Okay, Mrs.

Humpalong -Cassidy.

Susie did drop out a little. Bye!

Put it away now.

Oh, you don't want to see her put it
away. No, you don't want to see me put

away. This is all fun and games. I don't
have to stop.

Come on, it's just a little bachelorette
party. Fun and games.

See, it's like pin the tail on the
donkey, except with a big old dog.

And don't worry, this is modeled after
Adam, so God is okay with it. Well, I

don't know how I feel about it. Come on,
it's classic bachelorette shenanigans.

On a plane?

With people?

We can play.

Yeah, plus most of them are sleeping.

And they're all adults.

Does anybody care if we have a dog cry
party in this section?

I'll strip if you strip.

Uh, no thank you. We've already seen
what you have to offer and it turned us

gay.

I'd love to see that.

Oh, Kareem.

See, we're good.

We're good.

Okay, fine.

Let's get this over with.

Yay, okay, I'll set it up.

Now, this is a party.

One,

two, and three.

Who's dick is this? I am so sorry. See?

These things hurt people. I don't want
to do this anymore.

These things don't hurt people? Cards
full of penis sausages did.

Come on, Gloria, just play the game.

You have to do one bachelorette party
thing for this evening. Count as one.

then we can go back to finding you a man
for real.

Go. Fine.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no. Get me off.

I would, but we just met.

However, I did notice you checking me
out at the boarding.

I'm actually pre -med, and I noticed a
lump on your right testicle because your

pants are crazy stupid tight.

I mean, what's the point of even wearing
pants?

Do you want me to take them off for you?

No, no, I've seen enough.

But you need to see a doctor.

I take it you're a James Taylor girl.

Zappa, Nico, Velvet Underground.

Whatever, asshole.

You just wished that you were in their
league.

Hey, I toured with Ziggy Pop in 69.

No, you didn't. Screw you.

What? You don't believe me?

I believe that any man who dresses in a
Halloween costume for a living would say

all kinds of crazy crap to get laid.

Honey, I don't need to work this hard to
get a hot lady naked.

That should tell you something about
you.

Oh!

You totally

have a crest on that and feel so good
about that.

I'd rather vote for Nixon.

Bo, I've known you for years.

You only crush the souls of people you
want to screw.

And it's a defense mechanism to see if
they're worthy.

Worthy?

I can be smart, too.

Well, that's all fine and good. We still
need to find Gloria someone to make it

with. Mm -hmm.

Oh, speaking of Gloria, where is Gloria?

She was just here a minute ago.

Hello?

My club?

Yeah, this way, this way.

Oh.

Candy?

Lest I come and strike the earth with a
curse.

Man.

God is so rough.

What do you think?

Oh, yeah, I mean... It's incredible that
he let all this happen.

See, I knew you were a good guy.

Candy?

Wow. What happened to my voice?

Am I close?

Glory.

Careful on your way out. Careful on your
way out.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We're all good now.

Yes. Is that my daughter? No, sir.

Is she okay? Yes, sir. I mean, you are
asleep.

Am I?

You are.

I'm captain of the Dreamtime Airwaves,
and you need to go to sleep.

You look familiar.

Familiar in a way that makes me very,
very angry.

Go to sleep.

Sleep tight.

Look, Sid, you're a better actor than he
is.

Thanks, cousin.

But isn't that the pilot?

Weren't you supposed to go to the VIP
lounge to hook up with that sunflower?

Sure thing.

Can't wait for her to read lines with
me.

Be nice.

Look, please, wait, just stop, stop.

Barry, what are you doing here? I'm
trying to stop you from marrying

you don't even know.

By sneaking onto the plane and... I'm
pretending to be a captain? Co -captain.

Co -captain. Just... Shh. I don't want
people to panic.

Who's in the flying plane right now?
Hey, hey, Susan.

What's that?

Gloria.

Will you marry me?

I know there's not a ring in there right
now.

But there will be.

Barry.

No. Get out of here. Get out of here.
Okay.

Just... Gloria.

Give me another chance, Gloria.

Barry, you're not hot in material.

You made it! I was beginning to think
you weren't going to come. For you, I'll

always come.

Great, because I think you're a perfect
fit for this role. I'm so glad you think

I'm a perfect fit.

Yeah, the script is pretty tight, so...
So tight.

Are you okay? I just really want to nail
this.

Oh, you're going to nail this?

So good.

Right,

your character goes first.

Yeah, she does.

So... Oh, I'm so sorry.

The cancer has spread through your
daughter's bones, Mr. President.

I was afraid you were going to say that,
Dr. Potter.

We've called in specialists from around
the world to rest it. You just need to

relax. Oh, wait. I don't think you do
that.

No, this is my interpretation.

Oh.

Wait, can we at least relax?

Yes, yes.

Okay,

I'll have it.

Will she even make it to her next
birthday, Dr. Potter? I promised her a

We're doing the best we can, Mr.
President.

We'd like to put her in a coma for the
next eight days. For the weekend. A

She's just a little girl.

A little girl with a fatal disease. A
disease that will slowly atrophy the

A disease that will cause her to lose
her bladder and bowel control.

A disease that will happily choke her
with her own saliva until all you hear

recursive sounds.

Oh, but...

Wait, there's more.

Her body will become extremely weak and
collapse upon itself. She will become

practically paralyzed.

Her bones with tumors may break and not
heal and be unbearably painful. And all

you'll be hearing is a gurgle of screams
rattling through the east wing of the

White House.

How much time will she have? Three
weeks.

You have a moment to spare.

And scene!

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

Wow. You are an amazing actress.

You're great, too.

Oh, I mean, I

think I know my lines now.

We make a great team.

Thanks.

Have a great audition.

Bye.

I think I'm booking it.

Co -pilot, what are you doing back here?

Oh, right in here. Mr.

Impersonating a pilot. He's due 20 years
in jail. Who are you and what did you

do with Co -pilot Matthews?

I'm Barry Montgomery, ma 'am, and I
didn't do anything, Co -pilot Matthews.

He was sleeping with someone else, and I
needed to get onto this plane, and

Gloria... Oh, Gloria.

Are you the fiancé?

Uh, no.

Oh, well, then are you a stripper?

No.

Why? Why would you say that?

Well, you're just, you're dressed like a
stripper.

Well, no, this is co -pilot Matthew's
uniform.

Well, he used to strip on the weekends.

I'm sorry.

Save it for the police vet.

You, hey!

Come on.

This is just a minor setback. I won't
figure out everything.

Hey. Thanks for helping my cousin.

I'm Liz, by the way.

I'm done line reading.

I'm not an actor.

I'm a producer.

It's a man's world, and I'm determined
to prove a girl can do the job just as

well.

Probably better.

You're impressive.

You mean my ass is impressive.

Sure. But all of you is impressive.

A word of advice.

Your asset, that'll get you in the door.

But this, well, that'll keep you in the
door.

I think there's more to you than meets
the eye.

And I'd like to find out what.

Maybe you will make it in a man's world.
You sure sound like them.

But unlike them, I mean it.

I think there's more to you.

About to find out what.

Susie.

You had any plans to do from there?

I think I'm okay.

Groovy.

There's so much trouble. Let's see what
the real Captain has to say about this.

Barry. Yes, Senator.

I know he took all your money, but
please don't hurt him.

This guy's nothing but a two -bit
hustling jive turkey.

That's harsh, even for Barry.

Gentlemen, I have to restrain him and
get him to the authority.

I like you.

But I'll tell you what. I'll restrain
him. You go tell the pilot to call the

FBI. Daddy, if you do anything to harm
him, I won't marry Bert.

Pop your head like a bitch.

Captain,

your co -pilot, he's an imposter and we
don't have... Mayday, mayday, our

landing gear won't go down. Over.

See? No response.

The radio wasn't working.

Wait, what?

Something internal is blocking the
wheels from disengaging. When do we land

.C.? Three hours and 35 minutes.

Gee, we have that long to figure this
out. And why is the radio not working?

Because God hates me.

Besides that... That's the only thing I
can think of that makes sense.

Okay, all right.

If you can get the hydraulic equipment
to align with the aerial transmission

system, then you can subdue the
thrusting system, which will override

automatic failsafe, which sounds like
it's erroneously preventing this in the

first place. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What if we just pray?

Yeah, sure. I guess we can just do that.

Okay.

Here's a prayer for Lane Crossey.

And Job.

Gloria, tell your father about the job
that I did. You couldn't get enough

Sit your ass down.

I'll make this his rest.

Gloria, I'm so sorry.

What? Hey.

Senator, this is...

Gloria, I... Actually, Senator, I just
want to show you... Hey, hey, Gloria,

No, no, no, it's not like that. Here, I
just want to show you something. This,

right here. This, right here.

This. Excuse me.

Is that a bomb?

What? No, no, no, no. This is a radio
frequency transmodulifier. It's like a

radio without a cord, okay?

Look, I will give you a thousand shares
of my company if you call off Gloria's

wedding. I'm telling you, Montgomery,
you promised me.

No more deals.

No more invention.

Sweetheart, it is not like that at all,
okay?

It is exactly like that.

So,

you think I should cancel the wedding of
my daughter to the son of the Chief

Justice of the United States Supreme
Court so she could marry you, a

inbred meat puppet?

You think that's a good idea?

I'll tell you what else. They got walkie
-talkies without cords.

You know? And they got radios with that,
of course. And I bought my daughter

something like that when she was three
months old.

Senator, this is like a phone, but
smarter. Look, I will give you 500

regardless of what happened, just
because I feel so bad about what's

Gloria and the past investment. Look, I
am trying to do everything I can to make

this right. Let me fix this. Well, I'll
tell you what. You better have invented

something that cuts through prison bars,
because that's what you're going to

need.

Bad sex again?

No!

Barry pretending to be a co -pilot to
sneak on the plane and try and win me

back. Barry, like, Barry your ex, Barry?

Yes! Barry stood around the plane.

I don't even know a man I'm about to
marry.

I can't seem to find a way to join a
mile -high club.

This thing is just such a drag.

Oh my gosh, look at me. Hey, you are
awesome.

We're your best friends, and we always
will be.

Mary is a stupid idiot, and of course he
wants you back, because, duh!

And the new guy you're about to marry?

He's the luckiest man on the planet.

We are going to get you in the Mile High
Club today, and then after that, you

can go and live your life to the
fullest.

Okay.

Bambi! I've decided that today will be
my final day as a stewardess. From now

on, I'm going to focus all of my energy
on my real dream of becoming an actress.

What? When we land, I'm going to turn in
my uniform and my regulation pantyhose.

Oh, land?

We can't land.

Bambi. Honey, what's wrong?

Oh, nothing. It's just that the wheels
are stuck and they can't come down, but

we can pray this away.

That's what Asus is going to do.

You know, I have a lot of cats at home.

Do they're going to miss me?

I don't know.

What if one of my friends is a mechanic?

Could they fix me inside?

Yes. Yes, absolutely. Yes. Okay. Yes.

Okay.

Holy crap.

That's real heavy, man.

Susie says that you're a mechanic.

My dad has a shop and I know some stuff,
but that's more like jeeps and trucks.

This is an airplane.

This is going to take two people.

No, no, but this is your thing. This is
what you were meant to do. You can save

us. Like that man and Robin.

Or Simon and Garfunkel.

Is he okay?

Not really.

I don't know, you guys.

I'll do it.

Probably takes a real man to do it
anyways.

Yeah, and since there aren't any real
men here, I'll do it.

Nah, man.

My dad built these things.

But here's the thing. It's an infancy.

Two people.

Let's go.

Unless you're too chicken shit.

Bye. See you on the other side.

Wait, wait.

What can I do?

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm
a power pilot.

Yep, me. I'll do it.

Hello?

Mr. Jesus?

Susie and Dolores are busy tending to
the passengers, and Bambi is helping

the jammed wheel. She just deputized me,
so I'm a stewardess now. And I'm here

to give you what you want.

Lady, you can't be in here.

Well, maybe I'm the answer to all your
prayers.

You heard my prayers.

Mm -hmm. I'm going to be a nun.

I can hear everybody's prayers.

A nun.

But not right now.

Right now, I'm just me.

I'm just Candy.

Candy. Sounds sweet.

Melts in your mouth.

I don't think we're going to get out of
this alive.

I'm so nervous I can barely concentrate
on flying.

Well, maybe I can help you concentrate.

My king of kings.

This compartment leads to the APU
center. Go through cargo and into the

center and there you'll find the
hydraulic override lever.

Go pathetic. It's pure die time, man.

Lady, bird.

Good luck.

Thanks.

We're gonna need it.

Rock and roll, man.

Take these.

Excuse me.

Dad,

we may not have a lot of time, and
there's some business I need to settle

Barry. Regardless of how you feel.

Gloria, sweetheart, what else can I do
to win you back?

Everything you say can and will be held
against you.

Barry, you're a criminal now.

I know, I know.

I've been self -centered. I mean, even
today. But I told you about that job,

I want to pay your dad back, and we can
work on repayment plans, and I think...

Yeah, that plan will take... Four
hundred and ninety -two years.

Hey, Dad, this doesn't concern you. It
kind of does.

Barry, well, I think it's a good first
step in figuring things out with my dad,

but... Barry, why?

Why do you want me so much?

I think you have the sweetest laugh and
you encourage my dreams.

You know, glitz and your eyes and...
God, you've got a very hot body.

Stop it.

I... Decent body.

Well, I don't see myself that way.

That's okay.

Because I do.

I always have.

And I always will.

Oh, Barry.

A grab at a barf bag.

You guys are disgusting. Gloria!

I feel so enlightened.

And so turned on.

I'm so upset that I gave in to
temptation.

But I'm also way too high to do anything
about it.

I'm in the sky.

Yeah, you are.

Look at those clouds.

Your true purpose reveals itself.

Say, Anton.

Is that really you?

You must show them what to do.

Me?

Trust in the Lord to guide you.

My son.

God, is that you?

Yes, my son.

Cool.

Do you not know that your bodies are
temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in

and you have received from God?

You are not your own.

You were bought at a price.

Therefore, honor God with your bodies.

What does that mean, Father?

It means you should totally do her.

Trust in God.

Trust in God.

Fuck me.

Fuck me until I reach true salvation.

I can do that.

Wait, I have to get something.

Oh my goodness.

Where is it?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, don't do that.

That's not yours.

Ow, shit.

That's my...

Bag! That's my name.

Oh.

Sorry.

Man, you hit really hard.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, what is that?

Oh, some sort of rock star elephant
tranquilizer to calm your nerves.

Which you need, by the way. These are my
fun drugs, all right? Not that it's any

of your business.

And lady, an elephant tranquilizer
couldn't chill your tight end.

I happen to like my tight ass.

Gloria,

please give me another chance.

Barry, please.

I don't want to spend the last moments
of my life regretting my choices.

This plane is going to crash.

What do you mean the plane is going to
crash?

What are you talking about?

What is going on here?

We're going down. What? To the ground.
Buddy, I never loved your mother, but I

wanted to tell you that before we died.

You okay?

Oh, yeah.

Drink?

No. Okay, something's wrong. I have a
sense about these things.

I don't think I'm supposed to tell you.

Okay, now you have to tell me. That's
like the rule.

The wheels won't go down.

So, can't we just glide?

If we were over water.

This isn't the water plane. We are not
over water.

So, what happens? We crash?

Yeah. Oh.

Liz, can I tell you... I just thought
that...

Sorry. Go on.

When we were talking earlier, I, um...
We don't have a lot of time, right?

Mm -hmm.

So you had sex with my cousin, and it
didn't go well. You feel weird.

You're starting to have weird feelings
towards me.

Never felt that way towards a woman.

Probably going to die.

I think we should have sex.

If you want to.

I want to.

Okay.

Let me just turn on autopilot first.

You'll hear angels when I do that.

For the war.

A little help?

Sounds like my dad.

Question is, which war?

On the count of three, okay?

One, two, three.

You know, you really hurt me back there.

I'm sorry.

I have three brothers, and I come from a
military family.

Ooh, yeah.

That's gonna leave a mark.

I'll live.

Whoa!

Right. We're supposed to hate each
other. I forgot.

No, you idiot!

Why does it feel like we're still
falling?

We fixed the hydraulic.

Maybe we weren't fast enough.

And we're going to die any minute.

Any minute.

Wait. Oh, my God.

I was just about to have amazing sex,
but we're going to die before it

Really? You're my type.

You're totally my type.

Fine. with like a Raquel Welch bod.

Congratulations, because you are totally
not my type.

Hmm. But I think we can make it work.

Let's do it. Do what?

Stay seated.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jesus.

She's a very sweet girl. She's going to
be a nun.

Did you know that?

She really loves Jesus.

I mean, she loves Jesus.

Sounds like she found him.

Do you like them?

I do.

Who's the rock star?

Oh, yeah.

Iron Snake.

Oh, yeah.

See my knee. I don't know your name.
It's Iron Snake. Oh, no. Iron Snake.

Snake. Hey, no autographs for you.

Bad girl.

Oh, yeah.

That's like... Oh, you're going to break
my hole. Oh, yeah. That snake is going

so...

You're my groupie now.

No, I don't like that. Oh, yeah.

Oh, I like that. Oh, yeah.

Die and everything.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah.

Jesus.

Jesus.

I think we broke the plate.

Oh, my God.

I helped Nate with the lever.

Oh, okay.

No, no, no, not that lever. That lever.

Oh, yeah.

I think that works.

Again.

My body's so lethal.

I can't fly the plane!

I'm still drunk and I'm still a little
high and I'm definitely on drugs.

No, I don't know anymore.

Just, um, just stay here.

I'm gonna go get some help. And you
just, you come right on, right on out

door in three days.

Three days?

Three days.

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

I killed Jesus.

What? He's fine, he's fine, he's fine.

He's gonna come out of that cockpit in
three days. and we're going to celebrate

his res... Erection.

Erection.

I said erection.

I'm going to go to hell.

I'm going to hell.

Andy, Andy.

Okay.

What happened?

I fucked Neil.

Of course I love you. Is that real?

It's the only real thing that I know.

Well, that has been enough for me. Now
you go and fly that plane. Daddy, you

have to let him go.

Oh.

Well, the only place you're going is
prison for 15 to 20 years.

Don't get pregnant, honey.

Whoa.

You guys want to go home?

Captain.

Take him to the lounge.

Trash town. Where's the happy girl?
Where's the happy girl?

Hi, happy girl.

A fairy can fly the plane.

Oh, no, wait. He can't.

Well, but he's wearing a pilot's outfit.

Who's flying the plane?

No, he's high.

The plane has autopilot. We'll be fine.

For now.

I hate flying.

Planes go boom, boom, and I hate crap.

Well, he clearly suffered multiple
concussions from some kind of a strange

activity in the cockpit.

Candy, what did you give him?

Everything.

Wait, where are you going?

Can I go help Otto land the plane?

Did she just say she's going to help
land the plane?

Wait. Oh, wait. Candy, don't go in the
cockpit alone. We're coming. Bye.

All right. This is ridiculous. I need to
do something. You've already done

something, buddy.

Look, look.

I know by putting on this suit doesn't
make me a captain, but what I didn't

your daughter is that I used to fly my
dad's prop plane every summer when I

up in Iowa.

Okay, this is different, but the
fundamentals are the same. I'm going. Do

really hate me that much? That you would
risk your own daughter's life just to

prove what a charlatan you think I am?

Don't make me regret this.

I won't. Thank you, Senator.

Go!

Todd? Hello?

It's me, Candy.

Okay, everybody!

I don't want Gloria in here!

I don't know how to fly a plane, Barry!
It's okay. It's okay. You're going to

encourage me to fly because I always do
my best work with you by my side, and

I'm not going to give you up now, okay?

Okay. Okay, I'll take care of the
passengers.

Great!

Well, good luck because God isn't
answering because it's always fall.

probably going to hell because I threw
the branch out of Jesus' mouth.

It's okay. He'll forgive you.

small descent we could pick up a short
range signal or or find a runway or

something whoa

whoa

See, because Glory's getting married.

Okay.

The pilot's not technically dead. What
do you mean? The pilot's dead?

No, no, not dead. But cannot fly the
plane. But Barry, who is

pretending to... What?

Oh, um, I think I didn't say that.

Not a real pilot is going to fly the
plane.

Pretending was better. Yes, uh -huh. I
see that now.

Anyway, bottom line, I'm screwed.

What's happening? We're screwed.

We're so fucked.

No, no, no, no, no, wait.

What's going on out there?

I can't hear them.

Wait. I waited to get onto this plane to
take chances that I should have been

taking my entire life. And that's just
not right. That is not living.

left to live, we get to decide how we
want to live.

20 minutes?

20 minutes?

Do we go out with a whimper or a bang?

Do we face death with our heads between
our legs? Or each other's legs?

Do we go out laughing or crying?

Screaming or dreaming?

So, what's it gonna be?

Everyone's so quiet.

This is how we're gonna die?

Only you can save them, Candy.

One hit will set them free. The Lord is
listening, Candy. Set them free.

I know what to do.

Do what, Candy?

The secret's in me, little guy.

Just one hit.

And we can set them free.

Okay. Set them free.

Great idea.

The ultimate mile high club.

Okay, the plane is going to fall apart.

It's not going to spin.

I don't know how. I mean, all these
controls, they look the same. It's

Breathe. Breathe.

Okay. All right.

Just better.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You're gonna party?

Let's party.

I'm getting my bearings, but the wheel's
still sticking. I just need one small

controlled burst on the right side of
the plane. From inside the plane?

Uh, sure. Yeah.

Did it work?

No, I don't think so.

On the count of three, everybody jump.

One, two, three.

It

worked.

The wheel is free.

We're going to be okay. I think we
should still be able to land.

No, we didn't.

Gloria, you guys did it!

We all did it!

This isn't the killer party I was
dreaming of. And we didn't join the Mile

Club, but... I did.

I did, and it was awesome.

I did.

Twice, technically.

Oh, well, that's great. That's good for
you guys.

Are we dead yet?

Not yet.

Good. I have an idea.

Okay.

Barry!

Are you okay?

Gloria! Yeah.

I am now.

How's your head? It's hurt.

We're going to be okay.

We're not on a train, honey.

We're on a submarine.

Up scoop.

Whoa.

I screwed the brains out of you.

It's only logical that I can screw them
back in.

Huh?

Come on, Jesus.

It's time to come again.

Cool.

I have an idea.

When I lived on the farm with my dad in
Iowa... I thought you grew up in Los

Angeles. Oh, no, I did. I went to school
there, but every summer I'd go to my

dad's and help him on the farm, and I'd
crop dust his field every week, even in

the bad weather.

So I know how to stop us from crashing.

I just have to adjust our flight path a
little bit, and then we'll go down at a

steeper angle and use more runway for
landing. We can... Oh, Barry, talk more

pilot to me.

We just have to deploy the flaps just at
the right angle. I don't want to

increase our drag or... Reduce their
controllability.

Well, you can deploy my flaps anytime.

Huh?

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh, um, let's land the plane first,
baby.

That was the best powder I've ever had.

He's flying with me.

Thank you, Gina.

Oh, thank you.

Jesus!

It's Jesus.

The J is silent.

I'll take it from here.

Okay, okay.

Sir, I am so sorry for sneaking out of
this flight. It will never happen again.

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't be sorry.

God forgives.

Plus, this has been the greatest ride of
my life.

Get out of here. Okay.

We've got to turn off the autopilot and
land.

Gloria, wait!

Daddy, are you okay?

I will be when we get to D .C. and put
this whole thing behind us. Of course.

Hey, give us a minute. Sit down here a
minute.

Okay.

What do you see in that car?

He's so stupid.

And look at him.

Come on, honey.

Daddy, honestly, I see a lot of you in
him.

He's just the man who's willing to put
it all on the line for the person he

loves.

Well, somebody had to raise you.

Hey, don't marry that bunch of guys.

I've made my peace with it. It'll be
fine.

No. No, you aren't the one to spend your
campaign funds on a cockamamie deal

like reusable wallpaper.

I mean, see, I am like him. That sounded
very stupid.

We have a lot in common.

No.

Daddy, the judge is going to be even
more furious if I don't marry his son.

Deal's a deal, and it was my deal to
begin with.

If they put you in jail, I... Howdy,
they don't put politicians in jail.

I can't risk it. For your sake. Oh. And
for Barry's sake.

I'm going to marry the judge's son.

We're about to land.

Everyone needs to be seated with their
seatbelts fastened.

Barry, I have a special seat in the back
with your name on it. Come with me.

Bye, everyone.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to DC.

We hope you enjoyed your flight.

Move. Ew. Out of here. The weather in
our nation's capital is a crisp 69

degrees. We apologize for any unplanned
pregnancies, venereal diseases, or rug

burns you may have experienced during
our flight. We thank you for flying DCF

Airlines, and we hope you have a
beautiful day.

My best friend circle just got so much
bigger.

And this flight was the best. That's
where I met Jesus. And I met Liz.

And I met whatever this is.

You're destined, baby.

And I... I can finally be with you. With
my dad's blessing.

And we can get married and live happily
ever after.

You get married to my son.

Surprise!

That's Butch.

Oh, my God. Are you Gloria?

No, I'm Barry.

Hey, just come here, Gloria.

I can make this work.

Gloria Atwater is a very beautiful and
very hairy daughter -in -law.

Yeah, we need to cut this hair to
something more manageable.

Judge William Cox?

He's one of the supreme.

Oh, I get it. He's a singer.

Oh, stick to acting.

Judge.

Your Honor.

Your Eminence.

Gloria won't be marrying your son.

She'll be marrying me.

Your son doesn't really seem like the
marrying type.

What's your name, son?

Barry Montgomery.

You're very brave to stand up to a
Supreme Court justice.

That shows me that you must love this
young lady a lot.

Yeah, I do. Especially if that's one
word from me and I can put you in jail.

Forever. No, Barry here has done nothing
wrong.

It's me that's broken a promise. Oh,
young lady, there's been no broken

promises. Yet.

Now, there will be a marriage.

But only between you and my son.

Is that a theme liner?

Will you turn your toy off?

Sorry. Now listen.

Let's get over here.

There will be a marriage here. Right
now.

But here? Yes, right here. Yes, I have a
photographer. We can take a few

pictures. And then in two days, we'll go
have a reception at the slave quarters,

Mount Vernon, where every dignified
politician and right -wing thinking

celebrity will be in attendance.

Otherwise, your father will be arrested.

You were exposed as a communist.

Your hippie boyfriend there, he'll be
exposed as a pedophile Democrat.

It's fine, it's fine. I'll marry Butch.

Good answer.

Gloria, you don't have to do this.

Whatever he has on you, we'll help you
figure it out.

I don't know, Bo. He seems really
powerful.

But, yeah, sure, sure, we'll figure it
out.

Mm -hmm.

Make you pray.

It's okay, ladies.

I know a lot of people marry for the
wrong reasons, but... I'll be married

the right one.

It'll be fine.

But, Gloria, you're never going to get
to join the Mile High Club.

Seems pretty overrated anyway.

No. It's awesome.

It's amazing.

Trampy, I don't remember what we're
talking about.

Everyone, get a position.

Okay? Good.

Why do you want to do that? Okay, if I
do this, I stay in the wheel, and the

has generational wealth.

Oh, God, you are working it so well, and
I love it.

Dearly beloved, we are all gathered here
today for the... Ah, let's get with it.

Here you go.

With this ring, I thee will... Don't do
it, Gloria!

Is that the bomb? Again?

It worked!

It worked!

My transmodule fire.

You don't have to marry him. I have your
father's money.

What?

My transmodule fire.

Some guy in California wants to buy my
patent. He wants to turn it into a

smartphone or something.

Don't be ridiculous.

A phone can't be smart.

It's going to be huge, Gloria.

They're going to wire the funds to your
father's account.

My wonders, my inventions, they're
finally taking off.

I knew it! Manda Cruz!

You're my inspiration, Gloria.

You putz!

You ruined everything.

We got it on camera. Right there.

Oh,

no.

You're on hair cream.

Weedheart, don't even worry.

This is better than a sham one.

Okay?

This is blackmail. Okay, this is the
only language my dad speaks.

May I?

This will set me up for love.

Okay.

Beautiful.

Bye.

Gloria, I'm so sorry.

For what?

This was supposed to be your wedding.

I'm sorry.

It still can be.

If you'll have me.

George Cogden, look.

I can marry you.

Because you're Jesus?

Because I'm a pilot, and it pays Zeus.
The J is pilot.

Hi. What do you say, Gloria?

Yes!

I love these charter flights.

I get to wear my own uniform.

We've got to make this quick. I don't
want to leave that cockpit on men too

long. You understand.

Has he been ordained for that?

Of course he is.

Jesus.

He has the same authority to marry
people the way the ship captains do.

Yeah, right.

All right. You two love each other,
right?

Yeah. You want to marry him? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. You want to marry him?

Absolutely. All right. Well, then by the
authority given to me by the, well, I

guess that I gave myself.

Yeah. You guys are married now.

You may kiss the bride.

Make it good.

What a day!

I told you anything could happen at 30
,000 feet.

The higher the plane, the closer to God.

Just think about what we can do without
the gravity of beer and inhibition

holding us down.

See, I told you. The Mile High Club
isn't just a sex bit. It's a way of

Whatever.

Baby, what's wrong?

Everybody joined the Mile High Club.

Except for us.

Well, why don't we join them?

In the bathroom?

Isn't that tradition?

Mile High Club, baby!

you. It's always been you.

Fuck me.

Literally.

What about Joe Schmo? No. John Holm.
John Holm. First class only. You need to

to the back of the line.

Oh, my house, bro.

Please,

you just have to understand that I love
you and...

I will never do it. Okay, Mrs.

Humpalong -Cassidy.

Gloria did drop a little something. I
don't know.

Here.

Oh.

Barry?

Sorry.

I find someone to say something.

Oh, oh, oh. Emily, it's okay. It's all
right, sir. Oh, you, uh, you. That's

okay. You're all right.

Snowflower? Yeah, snowflower.

Sunflower. Fuck. Sorry.

Sunflower. Fuck.

Wait, can we at least stay live?

Yes.

Daddy,

if you do anything to harm him, I won't
marry Butts. Oh, okay.

Does that hurt?

Yeah. From now on, I will focus all my
energy on my field trip.

Now, Ben, I want my money right now.

I'm going to kill him in his chair,
okay?

How's that feel?

There's 50 better guys for you on this
show. I will try.

I will try.

We're like, I think this is the end of
the thing.

Hello, Mr. Senator.

Can I have a drink?

Yes, please.

You guys still have those hot fudge
sundaes?

I'd like two of those.

We have some hot fudge.

I'm not wearing the right shoes.

Would you laugh? I'm trying to.

I have a man's bike in my way.