All language subtitles for UnREAL.2015.-.S02E01.-.War.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.x265.Celdra_track3_[eng]

Welcome to "Everlasting."

Your suitor, Adam Cromwell!

Let's go people,

I want nudity,
911 calls, cat fights.

Get me some good TV.

Producers produce things.

I create conditions
for things to happen.

Chet Wilton...
Creator of "Everlasting.

You're very lucky
that your little stunt

got me boo-yah ratings
last season.

Are you taking your meds?

Don't do that, mom.
I'm sorry feel judged.

Don't shrink me.

Let's get out, have
a real life, real friends.

"Everlasting" was my idea.

I'm starting my own company,
and I want you to come with me.

Jeremy and I have started
talking about getting out.

Oh! Aren't you two
so great at that together.

You are gonna come and work
for me at my new company.

I know, Rach...
about Adam.

I'm gonna make sure you never
hurt anyone like this again.

Come with me.
No, Mary!

She went off her meds.

I swapped out
a few of her pills.

Going live.
And action.

- Camera "A," do you see her?
- Where is she?

We have a runaway bride.

This is live television.

You've got to fix this.

I want your full
support moving forward.

Anything.
I'm about to lose my job.

We won.

We're gonna be kings
this year, Goldie.

- Kings!
- Right? Money, dick, power.

Love it.
Yes. In that order.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Yeah!
Talk about it.

Gloomer.
That's crazy.

Do me. It's a small,
whole tattoo thing.

Okay, ready? What's up? What?

Oh, look at this place.

This does not look ready.

This place doesn't look ready!

Look at this.
Nothing's ready.

More pink, more pink...

There's other colors
in the rainbow.

No, really, this is it, though.

This is your year.

Dare to dream, lady.

Oh, come on,
stop acting like you're not

as happy as a pig in shit
right now.

Yes, no, I really am excited,

and I think it is the right thing
to do for so many reasons.

Can you stop?
Stop selling me.

Don't sell me.
Okay, save it for the network.

That's why we go to Vegas.

We sell the network,

and as soon as
they approve your idea,

then I can start
just kicking back

and enjoying a seven-figure
production deal.

Okay, how often
are you gonna say

"seven-figure
production deal"?

I just want to know
what we're talking about.

Oh, I'm gonna say it a lot.

I'm gonna go, "Seven-figure,
seven-figure, seven-figure."

Seven figures.
Seven is a lucky number.

What's going on?
You okay?

Yeah.

Great.
All right, you ready?

Ohh!
This bitch was born ready.

Let's do this.

We're talking Vegas.

Vegas! Here we go.
Feeling it!

Going to Vegas, baby!

* Yep

* All I do is flex,
I don't need a reason *

* All I want is sex,
I don't need a reason *

* Fly out on a jet,
I don't need a reason *

* Every day's a never ending
summer season *

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Easy there, Amy Winehouse,
all right?

This is for the executives
we're buttering up.

All right.

I want to make a toast.

We are thrilled

that we have you
under exclusive contract,

and we cannot wait
to see what brilliant shows

that you dream up.

Thank you for
13 years of slave labor

to get an overall deal.

Cheers.

- Yeah!
- To season 15.

All right. We have
a surprise for you, Brad.

May I introduce
"Everlasting's" next suitor...

Pro quarterback...

Darius Beck!

Are you serious?

As a brain tumor.

Nice to meet you.

You just made my dick hard.

* All I do is flex,
I don't need a reason *

* All I want is sex,
I don't need a reason *

* Fly out on a jet,
All eyes on me *

You're a chieftain now, Chet.

Go get your kingdom back.

It was me.

The first black suitor.

It was me!

We're gonna make history.

Everyone, shh.
Network president.

He's black.

Yeah, he's the first black...

No, he's not that black.

All right, Gary?

He's like, uh, football black.
I know who he is.

All right, I'm looking
at him right now.

He's black.

Well, and how does it feel

to be finally beating the Eagles

given your well-known beef
with Titus Washington?

Really?
That's your question?

Well, Titus said... Oh, who
cares about what Titus said?

Uh, what about this scandal?

Uh, he called that
reporter a bitch on TV.

Did you not see
what I just did out there?

Bitch, please. I'm out of here, man.
Hey, hey.

Scaring the hell out of her.

It looks like he's gonna
hit her right there on ESPN.

- I'll break her!
- Chill.

Man, Titus ain't got shit on me!

This is your idea
of a love interest?

Yeah, okay,
first of all, Gary, all right,

he didn't call her a bitch.

He said, "Bitch, please,"

which is a term of endearment.

I mean, I say it to Rachel
all the time.

And secondly, why would he
do our show, okay?

These high-profile guys
wouldn't be caught dead with us

unless they needed
to rehab their image.

And you know, hell yes,

he's gonna be dating
white chicks, okay?

And hopefully,
he's gonna be making

deep, dark,
nasty love to them, too.

I mean, the more
white pussy the better.

Am I right, Gary?

Uh, I'm sorry, what?

I promise you
20 million viewers.

The minute he lays
black hands on a white ass,

Twitter will melt down.

Oh, and the girls, Gary.

We have a hot racist,

an even hotter
black activist power person.

Uh, a clergy.
What?

And...
You have that?

We have a terrorist.
A terrorist?

No. They will be at each
other's throats from night 1.

It will be a ratings bonanza.

Or I can just get you

another small-dicked white boy
from Missouri

with a bunch of
horny kindergarten teachers

because nobody's bored by that.

Your call, Gary.

This is on you, Quinn.
All right, it's your ass.

You hear me? Your ass.

Are you kidding?

Football black?
Nice, I'm gonna use that.

Shut up, Brad.

All right, did you get
all of that, though?

'Cause I have to pee.
What?

The thing about
all the Looney Tunes

that we promised Gary.

You have to go find them.

What are you talking about?

Quinn, the show's cast.

It's your new job, honey bear.

I'm Chet, you're Quinn.

I say crazy shit,
and you make it happen.

- That's your ab workout?
- It's like this.

- You've never done it?
- No, I don't do that.

Oh, so this is it.

Um...
Oh.

Yes, this is it.

This is gonna be your house
for the next nine weeks.

- Ooh.
- Cool.

- Yeah.
- Cool.

Okay, why does it seem like
you're not that excited?

L-let me ask you this.

I'm-a be on camera
24 hours a day?

Um, you're the star of
a television program.

Was there some sort of
miscommunication?

Because we talked it out,

and I sort of had the impression

that you two
were gonna talk it out.

My phone is ringing.

I have to take it.

I will be right back.

I'm not dealing with this.

What the hell
did you get me into?

You signed up for this.

Okay, no, what...
You need this.

You know what?
You got a bad att-

Oh, so, you gonna cancel me out?

You gonna put your little
headphones on, cancel me out?

Hey. Hey, yeah, no, I just...

I just got to the mansion.
What's going on?

I just landed, but did you
get Darius to move in?

I'm working on it.

He's having a little bit of
buyer's remorse right now.

You know, I knew that guy
was gonna give us trouble.

We should have never let
his manager move in with him.

I'll handle it.
Yeah, you've been

handling him since
you met him, all right?

I got it.
You know what?

Gary is freaking out that
we can't top last season.

And what does he want us to do?

Kill someone every episode?

Hm, when are you gonna be here?

I'll be back in about an hour.

Um, Romeo,
your friends are here,

the friends that I was hoping
were not gonna show up here,

they've showed up here.

Can you please take them
to craft service

and get them out of my way?
Thank you.

Why don't you just
tell me what's going on?

It's just, I'm supposed to be
in Cabo right now

enjoying my off-season.

Okay, well, Cabo's great.

But Cabo is not gonna get you
out of your P.R. problem.

Look, I didn't call
that woman a bitch.

I don't think you did.

I think that she
tried to bait you.

I mean, what did... she came
over and talked to you.

What was it? Like 19 minutes
after you got off the field?

Exactly. Right, they want you
to be a monster on the field

and then turn into some, like,
choir boy 19 minutes later?

I mean, that's impossible.

With all that adrenaline,
anybody would've snapped.

I'm not anybody.

I understand.

You're the first black
quarterback on your team.

You're also now
the first black suitor.

There's a lot of eyes on you.
I get it.

What'd your mom say?

Whew, my mom was not happy.

See, she raised me
to always know

that the rules were
gonna be different for me.

Couldn't walk down the street
with my hoodie on.

Didn't want people
to get the wrong idea.

Kept my nose pretty...
Pretty clean, you know?

Image... squeaky clean.

No drugs, no drama,
no baby mamas,

and then I go and do
something stupid like this.

Hey, listen.
This is a one-time thing.

This does not make
you who you are.

If we're being honest...
Mm-hmm.

Mostly I feel like
a... a caged lion

and barely keeping a lid
on it half the time.

Well, you're talking to somebody

who literally went on
television and told the world

that she thought her job
was Satan's asshole.

No.

Are you serious?

I'm, like, not kidding.

Oh, yeah, that's beautiful.

Okay,
and you came back from that?

Oh, yeah, I came back from that.

I mean, I'm running the show.

I can bring you back.

Trust me.

What's your plan?

Uh, well,

I have a house
full of lovely ladies for you.

You have the opportunity

to fall in love
with one of them.

Let's not get crazy.

Oh, okay, wait.

Where do you stand?
Do you not believe in love?

Like, where... what do we...
Where are we?

Hey, when you're Darius Beck,

things get a little complicated.
Got it, okay.

So, first of all,

let's not refer to ourself
in third person.

That's not cute.
Okay.

Second of all,

none of these women
know who the suitor is.

I mean, none of them are here
to, like, bag some celebrity.

When was the last time that
happened to you, honestly?

Junior high.

Thank you very much.

Look, when they realize
who the new suitor is,

that'll all change.

All right, just, you never know.

You could be surprised.

Bitch, please.

Oh, bitch, please, you.

All right, let's go.

You like me. Come on, let's go.
All right.

Let's see what we got here.

- Rachel.
- She wants to speak...

I'm not kidding, Dan.
Rachel.

Doc, she wants to...
Dan, go away.

Copy that. I need to talk
about the "Healing Nook."

The what? My own set to
film my on-air segments.

Oh, yes, your on-air segments that
you got by blackmailing Quinn.

I remember. Oh, I wouldn't be
throwing that particular stone

if I were you.

I need my nook.

Okay, put in a formal request.

And not for nothing,
your mother called.

She's been talking
to Jeremy again.

She thinks you're having
hyper-sexual manic episode.

I'm not manic.
I'm changing the world.

Jeremy.

Jeremy.

Hey. Did you
raid Quinn's wardrobe?

You're still
talking to my mommy.

How is she?

Hyper-sexual manic episode,
seriously?

Did you guys Google that
or make it up?

Looks like you haven't
slept in weeks.

And so, what?
You're worried about me?

I'm doing well,
I get a promotion,

yet somehow that...

That triggers,
like, alarm bells for you.

No, I... I don't give
a rat's ass about you.

But if anybody
needs me to testify

that you're a threat
to yourself and others,

yeah, I'm there. Oh, really?
Is that right?

Yeah, but it's mostly
for the others, though,

because at this point, I'm actually
okay with you hurting yourself.

In fact, I'm fairly certain
that you will.

That's a really
dark thing to say.

Yeah.

So, why'd you come back
if you think I'm so crazy?

I came back
'cause this is my job.

I'm sorry. Did...
Did you think that I...

I really wouldn't
come back because of you?

Yeah.

Ah, I guess old Jeremy
might not have.

That guy was a pussy.

That's why I killed him.

Hey, we got...
Dan, stop.

Okay.

What the hell is going on?

I need a walkie.

Give me that.
Just go do something.

All right, I need somebody.

Ricardo, where are you?!

All right, where's Rachel?

You guys, it's just rain,
all right?

You're not made of sugar.

It's pronounced "Ya-el."

A lot of people call me Yale,

which, no thanks,
I went to Sarah Lawrence.

J.D. Salinger taught there.

Oh, for God's sake.

Rachel!
Where the hell are you?

Oh, I'm, uh, in here
working on the intro.

No, you're screwing up
the intros.

Madison's out there
with her thumb up her ass.

Who decided to make her
a producer anyway?

Chet's penis,

after she blew him in your office.
Oh, right.

Did you get my Looney Tunes?

Uh, Jay's on camera "B"
with Tiffany,

one of the wifeys.

Oh, she's pretty.
Mm-hmm.

But can she speak?

Yeah, she can.

And you're gonna say your name

and tell us about
your dad, okay?

Ready?

I already told you I don't want
to talk about my father.

Oh.

That could be juicy.
Uh-huh.

So, maybe her dad was a creep?

Or a pedophile, hopefully.

He's a rich white dude
who owns a football team.

She's our football princess.

What's going on with you shoes?

All right, so,
that's one wifey down.

Where's my villain?
Okay.

Um, she is getting ready,

but I want you to,
um, look at this.

This is Beth Ann.
She's from Mississippi.

And this thing got
30,000 hits on Instagram,

which is terrifying.

Oh, Beth Ann.
Aren't those even legal?

Wait till she finds out
she's here to bag a black man.

Uh-oh.

Okay, um, I also want to
introduce you to London.

She is our super-sexy
Pakistani woman

who mig have distant links
to Osama bin Laden.

No, now she does.

Absolutely, that's
what I was thinking.

We have Ruby.

She takes angry black woman

to the level of blinding rage.

Oh.
Mm-hmm.

Nicely done.

So, her with
the bikini girl... genius.

Oh, shit, no.

Sorry, I should have pulled
her out of the sequence.

She couldn't commit
to the full nine weeks.

It's her last semester
in college.

So?
Seriously?

Mm. So, she would've
had to drop out

and miss graduating
with her class.

And?

Rachel.
What?

Are you kidding me?

Jay, then who's gonna
fight the racist, all right?

It's not gonna be
this pageant girl

because you could
snap her like a twig.

Well, she's rooming
with Beth Ann.

So we'll see how she does.

What? All right, work this out

or get a room
or something, okay?

I got to call Gary.

I want the blacktavist
here by tomorrow night.

Okay, what the hell
are you doing?

You and Quinn... you're fine,
everything's just fine.

What do you mean "fine"?

After she blew up
your life last season,

like atom bombed your little
happily ever after with Adam,

you're just twinsies,
girl power.

Can you stop?
We worked it out.

Right, you got paid.

You're like one of those wives
whose husband beats them up

and then gives them a big diamond ring...
Oh, my God.

And promises to
never do it again.

Do you know something?
That I am the show runner, okay?

And right now
the show runner is asking you

why you weren't able
to close Ruby.

You know, even I didn't
think I had line,

but turns out,

derailing a strong black woman's
education,

that's it.
You know something?

We're making a huge statement
just by having a black suitor.

So if we have to sacrifice
a few people along the way

for the greater good, so be it.
Yeah, you're right.

We're like Aztecs.

Or Hitler.
Where is she?

Oh.

Ruby Carter, right?
Ruby?

Hi.

Hi, I'm Rachel Goldberg.

I am the show runner
on "Everlasting."

What? Look, I already told

the little skinny brother no,
okay?

You need to leave.

I'm sorry,

but he just didn't have
all the information.

What information is gonna

make me drop out of college

to go be on a racist,
misogynist reality show

I don't even watch?

16 million viewers a week
for your political platform

when your Twitter fame's
about to expire like bad milk.

Black girls only last
a couple weeks on those shows,

and they don't get any airtime.

I thought you said
you didn't watch.

Whatever. Okay.

I'm sorry, does it not
even matter to you

that we're making
history this season?

The suitor's black.

- I'm sorry, what?
- It's a huge secret.

The guy's also famous,
and he asked to meet you.

Thinks you're an American hero.

And he's into you.
He thinks... Wait.

Let me get this straight.

You think I got myself
into Berkeley,

worked this hard for what I
believe in to, what, get a man?

I didn't go to Vassar
to get a man.

Yeah, I'm sure.
Did you hear me?

I...
You know what?

You know, you are...
You're right.

You should stay here.

You should just let your
four underpaid professors

read your senior thesis on...
What is it?

Post-colonial Africa?

I get it. Why would you
want to use stupid old TV

to spread your message.

I mean, the teen birth rate,
it went down 5.6%

because of "Teen Mom"
shows on MTV.

And "The Real World"...
You remember that show?

That show started
the gay rights movement.

But, yeah, TV's super useless
as a medium for change.

I guarantee you will
make it to the final two.

9 weeks,
16 million viewers each week.

Hey, Rach, what's up?
She's in.

Let's see how long she lasts.

This place smells like ass.

Madison, that better be
you with the air fresh...

Chet?

Hey, kiddo.

Where did the rest of you go?

Oh, well, this is what happens

when you shed
50 pounds of weakness,

sadness, and pussydom.

Congratulations,
I... I guess.

But what the hell
are you doing here?

Brad suspended you
from set duty.

Oh, uh, Brad doesn't work
at the network anymore.

Uh...

I'm sorry, what?

Gary's gonna hire somebody else.

I threw out a couple names.

So, you just
disappear for six months

and then get Brad fired?

No, I didn't disappear.

I went on a paleolithic
lifestyle retreat

with my grand leader.

Oh, what is that?
Like CrossFit or some bullshit?

CrossFit.
That's amazing.

No, I went hunting in Patagonia
with my tribe.

That's how we evolved, Quinn.

We've only been in cities
for like 400 years.

We've been cavemen
for like 20,000.

Not even one part
of that is accurate.

A man isn't man

unless he's got a purpose,
Quinn.

I-I got soft last year.

I tried to fill the dark hole
of my manhood

with, uh, processed flour
and sugar, drugs.

And I forced you
to play the male role.

That wasn't fair,
and it wasn't natural.

Women are made to nurture,
be adored.

A guy's got to do things.

Anyway, this show is my kingdom
and, um, my purpose.

I'm gonna take it back.

Uh... no.

It's mine.
I earned it.

Yeah, but see, I'm ready,
I'm a chieftain.

I got anointed, blooded.

And I am the queen
of the frickin' fairies,

and I need you to get the hell
out of my fairy fort now!

Go!

Hm, um...

Get out and get off of my set

because I can call Gary, too.

We are the architects.

We are the men.
We are the architects.

We are the inheritors
of the kingdom.

Darius.

Uh, Darius.

Oh, man.

Darius Beck.

Chet Wilton.
I created the show.

Pleasure.
This is Romeo.

Oh, Shakespeare.

Uh, I'm sorry I wasn't around
earlier to introduce myself.

I had my girls running things

while I was away at a conference.
Mm-hmm.

I got to say for
two potent young studs

about to meet
a herd of willing female,

you guys don't look
as happy as you should be.

Why don't you tell me
what you need?

Um, you guys, we're just
gonna start at the top...

Getting their panties
in a bunch, you know.

Who's the suitor gonna be?
What's he gonna look like?

Do I have food in my teeth?

Jay.
Hey, what's up?

Hey, man, my guys
are getting on me.

You guys got the kill list yet?

Oh, no, not yet.

What's the kill list?

Oh, she's so adorable.

It's a list of
all the girls getting cut

so the camera guys know
who they can sleep with.

Let me know when you get it

'cause I call dibs
on Hot Rachel.

I don't want any pink on...
And excuse me, guys.

Dan, I just want to not... Sorry, we were
just talking about the kill list, Hot Rachel.

Excuse me?

Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt.

Uh, Ya-Yazmine

Who? Yael?
It's a Hebrew name.

Yeah, what about her?
Whatever.

She's the one
that kind of looks like you,

except she's hot and not crazy

and takes showers
from time to time.

All the guys
are gunning for her,

but you know the deal, Rach.

Boss always dips first.

Jeremy.

Later.

Okay, yeah, uh,
it's time to hustle.

Uh, let's make sure that
we have enough warm-up codes.

I won't.
Hey, hey, hey.

He is so fired.
Listen, Marie Antoinette.

Look, I get the impulse.
He's a dick, all right?

But you can't do that.

He is
a sexual harassment lawsuit

waiting to happen.

Suck it up, Goldberg.

If we fired everyone
we had sex with,

we wouldn't have a crew.

Okay, um, camera.

I just want to make sure

that we're keeping that
camera moving at all times.

Beth Ann and Chantal,
you guys are good?

Oh, Madison, hi.

Uh, can I talk to you?

Oh, yeah.

About the room assignments
for a jiff.

Um, well, I c...

Yes, you can.
I am a producer.

Right.
Well, um, you know, Chantal,

she seems real nice.

But the thing is,
I'm kind of wild,

and I just don't think

that she's gonna feel
at home with me.

Well, it's...
It's the first day.

I just think that it's gonna be

very uncomfortable for me.

You know what?
I'm gonna talk to my boss,

and I'm going to see

if I can make some changes for you.
Thank you.

I had a feeling that
you would understand.

Come here.

We hug where I'm from.

Okay.

The contestants are gonna
be wearing jackets.

It's freezing. They're not
gonna look good on camera.

They'll be fine.
They're not gonna be fine.

They're gonna look terrible.

Hi, so, um... who was
asking for the kill list?

That would be me.

It was you.

Awesome.

You're fired.

Hey. That's my focus puller.
You can't fire him.

And yet, I just did.

Well, unless you want
opening night of your show

to be out of focus,
you need to un-fire him.

Yeah, so you know
that's not gonna happen because,

um, the show being out of focus
is just gonna make you guys

look like a bunch
of incompetent assholes.

And nobody's gonna blame me.

So hire someone,
promote someone.

It's really not my problem.

It turns out being
a sexist man-baby on my set

has consequences.

Handle it.

That's my department manager.

- I know.
- Bitch.

Let me... let me talk to her.
I'll talk to her.

Oh, um, did you get
the car for Ruby?

Yes, Rachel.

She arrived a few minutes ago.

Just getting settled in.

Okay.

Hey, so, uh, Beth Ann
wants to switch rooms.

And Tiffany has
an empty bed in her room,

so I was just gonna
put her in there.

Is that okay?
Oh, wait, I'm sorry.

Um, Beth Ann,
our white supremacist,

doesn't want to
room with Chantal,

our black debutante?

Yeah, uh, I was
just gonna move her.

It would be super easy.

Oh, okay, was it free lobotomy
week at Burke Williams?

Madison,
we aren't camp counselors.

We don't solve problems, okay?

We create them.

And then we point cameras
at them.

We need you to go outside

and create
an on-camera fight

between the racist
and the black debutante.

Do you understand?

Do you need some help?

Wagerstein, what is the
shrink dirt on these ladies?

Oh, well, Chantal is
a type-A control freak.

Okay. Kind of a time
bomb waiting to go off.

Mm-hmm. Oh, and her fiancé died

in a car accident
a year and a half ago.

Oh, perfect.
Great.

Okay, so you're gonna use that
little bit of information,

and you're gonna interview her.

Okay, you're gonna get her
to cry and show you tears.

She's gonna ask you,
"Will I ever love again?"

It's gonna build all
this sympathy for Chantal.

And Beth Ann's gonna look like
a total dick

for not wanting
to room with her.

Does that make sense?

Well, I just really don't think

she's gonna want
to talk about that.

I mean, how am I supposed to force her?
I don't know.

Tell her your mother died
or something.

Act like you get it.

My mom did die.

There you go.

Right there, you see that?
You use that.

Oh, my God.

Nice, Rachel.
That was really nice.

So, that's it?
That's your plan?

You're just gonna make
Quinn look like the good cop?

No, my plan is to make
a top-rated television program

with a black romantic lead.

Do you have a problem with that?

I do not.
Okay, great.

Well, then can you go get
Beth Ann's interview

talking trash about
her black roommates?

'Cause I don't have
anything for the promo.

Thanks, bye.

Ooh.

Oh.

Hm. Did I forget to tell you
that being the boss sucks?

Nice jacket, by the way.

Helmut Lang.

Well, here's to booze
and fancy clothes.

This so exciting.

Yeah.

So, Chantal, I'm really curious.

What's your story?

Ugh. My God, she's never
gonna get this done.

Well, I was born in Atlanta.

Me and my mom and...
What is this?

That's some general crap
nobody cares about.

A-are you excited
to be here?

I'm very excited to be here.

She's wasting my time.
You know what?

I'm just gonna go out there
and do this myself.

No, stop.
No, don't stop.

This is ridiculous. Rachel, Rachel, stop.
All right?

How is she gonna ever
learn anything

if you don't delegate
and teach her?

Like what I'm doing
with you right now?

You're screwing up,
and I'm not taking over.

Yet.

You are in charge of
everything on these monitors,

not just getting
one girl to cry.

So get in the idiot's ear
and tell her what to do.

Understood.

He's really nice.

I think...
Okay, Madison, hi.

I need you to listen to everything
I say and just repeat after me.

Do you understand?

Okay.
Yeah, uh, copy.

Copy?

Sorry, I just do that sometimes.

I... I talk, it's stupid.

Um, okay, okay.
How's she doing?

Madison, just listen to me.

Just say what I say.
Don't say anything else.

"So, Atlanta, what was
it like dating there?

I hear it's..." So, Atlanta,
what was the dating there like?

I heard that it's really hard.
No, don't fill in the blank.

We want her to do that, okay?

Do you get it? It's like a couplet.
I say something.

And then she'll say
the rest of the sentence.

I'm sorry.

What was it you wanted
to talk about exactly?

Okay, listen, Madison.

We need something
for the promo, okay?

Just ask her,

"So, why are you
still single?"

Why are you still single?

Um...

Don't say anything, Madison.
Keep your mouth shut.

Silence is your friend.

I had a fiancé.

He died.

She's got a dead fiancé.

Holla! Winner, winner,
chicken dinner.

That's good, Madison.
Just keep looking at her.

I want you to ask her,

"Oh, my God,
what happened?"

Oh, my God.
What happened?

Car accident.

Did a drunk driver
hit him or something?

No, Madison,
don't say "drunk driver."

Did I say "drunk driver"?

Shut your mouth
and just do as you're told.

Bad weather.

Ice storm.

We were driving back
from the mountains.

"Were you in the car?"

Say it, Madison.

You were in the car?

I was driving.

Holy crap. Oh, my God,
that's great, Madison.

Just keep looking at her, okay,

keep looking really shocked,
okay, Madison?

Build sympathy for her,
and then you're gonna ask her,

"Did you kill him?"

So... Madison, just keep
looking at her, okay?

It's time to gut this bitch.

Say the words,
"Did you kill him?"

"Did you kill him?"

Did you kill him?

What?!

Stay strong, Madison.

Don't speak.

I loved him.
I... I saw him die.

"So,
you didn't kill him?"

So, you didn't kill him?

How can you ask me that?

I did not kill him!

I'm so sorry.

How do you like puppeteering?

Are you kidding me?
I feel like God.

If I had been in that position,
I would have blamed myself.

My mother just died
a little while ago,

and she was really worried
about me moving to California.

She wanted me to go home,
and I didn't.

She just had a heart attack.

I thought......
I'm so sorry.

You must miss him so much.

Madison, stop crying.

She's about to give you
the goods.

Just look at her and ask her,

"Will you
ever love again?"

Will you ever love again?

I will love again or die trying.

There's our damn promo line.

I'm sorry.

Just...

What the hell is
he doing with the camera?

I'm sorry Rachel
made you do that.

You okay?

That was amazing.

Places, places.

Okay, we are
T-minus 10 minutes, people.

If this place isn't as tight
as a unicorn's butthole

in five minutes,
everyone is fired.

Yeah, we got a problem.
She won't put it on.

She says she never wears one.

I don't care that
she has never worn a head scarf.

Quinn promised
the network a terrorist.

Our audience will not understand

unless she is actually
dressed like a terrorist.

Muslim womenplease.

Are fighting and dying for
the right not to cover up.

What's wrong with you? You
know, wearing a head scarf

doesn't actually
make you a terrorist.

But wearing pigtails at your age

does make you.....

That's true.

Can we not use
that word this season.

It's a micro-aggression.

It's a micro-aggression.

Shut up, Wagerstein.

I'm sorry.
My God.

I'm sorry.
Okay, here we go.

Wifeys, bitches,
and sluts, oh, my.

Seconds away.
Good job, Goldberg.

That actually looks like
a TV show... a real TV show,

your TV show.
Oh, thank you.

I have training wheels on at best.
Oh, but I just let go.

Look, network, no hands.

Aaah!
Does anybody see Graham?

Can I please get a 20

on the host of
our television program?

Okay, he's still
getting makeup done.

What is he getting?
A chimpanzee face transplant?

If he isn't on his mark
in 15 seconds,

I am gonna come in there,

and I'm gonna
grab him by the balls,

and I'm gonna put him on his mark.
Oh, God.

I literally just thought
about touching Graham's balls.

That's so disgusting.
I bet they're fake tanned.

Like without question, he tans his balls.
Oh, my God.

He does.
Ew! Ew!

Madison, you're such
a little slut, seriously.

You are a slut,
you have issues. Wag?

Control yourself. Can we
not talk about balls?

You see "hairy balls" yet?

Demanding, man. Here, sir.
Right in the middle, okay.

Okay and, um, we are
rolling in three, two,

one... action.

Ladies, beautiful,
wonderful ladies.

Welcome to season 14
of "Everlasting."

Now, usually our
suitor waits for you.

But see, this season,
our suitor is more well-known,

more prominent than ever.

And in order to get
our ladies to be surprised,

we had to make them wait...

until now.

Ladies, are you ready?

Ugh, it looks like
"My Little Pony" threw up.

Too much pink.

All right,
well, then, prepare yourselves

because this season,

this man is not only handsome,
wealthy, and smart,

But he is also a national hero.

So I urge you, ladies,
open your hearts to your suitor.

All right, let's get ready
to see some panties drop.

What?

What the...?

Why isn't someone yelling "cut"?

Rach, it's you.

Cut! Cut! Cut!

Weren't you supposed
to be watching him?

Oh, my God.

Hello, this is
the host of "Everlasting."

Give me the phone.

Is that... is this part of it?
Probably.

Quinn?

Hello?

Big dog's back, kiddo.

Don't "kiddo" me, Chet.

Where the hell is my suitor?

Oh, no. No, no, no.
He's my suitor now.

You want to talk to him,
you got to deal with me.

What the hell, Rachel?
What?

Chet has the suitor?

How did you let Darius
out of your sight?

You should've had a P.A.
superglued to his ass.

I did... I had Madison on it.
Really?

Transpo! Now!
You know what?

This is gonna be fine.
Let's just push one day.

We'll send the crew home right now
No, we are not pushing dick.

We are going
and getting our suitor.

Get in the car.

Get back to work.
Stop standing around.

Oh, my God.

Unbelievable.

We missed an hour of our night
for shrimp buffet.

Way to manage, Goldie.

Excuse me, thank you very much.

Gary. Hi.

Wow, you look great.
Oh, you too.

What a surprise to see you here.

Well, I'm here to see our man,
Darius, right?

Yes, of course.

Uh, do you mind if
I borrow Chet for a minute.

Apparently not.

Gents.
Good luck.

What the hell
are you doing, Chet?

Huh?

What are you doing?

You wanted to fight like a man.
That's what I'm doing.

I'm fighting like a man.

I see.

So, you have Darius,
but what about the girls?

I got girls.

Oh, you loaded up a minivan
with strippers, Chet.

Every girl
I have back at the house,

I handpicked based on a story.

And then I weave that
into television drama

that I turn into
massive ratings,

which you have never, ever done.

So, Romeo, what is going on?

Come on, I thought
we had each other's backs.

What's happening here?
Oh, why?

Because you treat me
like a walking dildo?

Please, you love it.

Look, it takes a player
to know a player.

This show needs a major revamp.

Now, when I was away
all those months,

I wasn't just working on myself.

I was thinking about
the show's cultural legacy.

Oh, God. We're telling
men that it's okay

to swoop out of the sky
in diamond-studded helicopters.

Women don't respect that.
You know what they respect?

A man who can kill
with his bare hands.

Chet just offered us better stuff.
What stuff did he offer you?

Uh, private accommodations,
our cellphones.

- Mm.
- Oh, yeah.

And a three-year pay-or-play
sportscasting deal if...

He doesn't even have
the authority

to offer you something like that.
Oh, he didn't?

The network president, Gary?

Yeah, he did.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

We have created a generation
of wimps and bitches.

We've got a whole audience
who's waiting for us

to show them
the natural order of things.

Man, the audience
is gonna eat that up.

Are you sure you're not
still on drugs?

No.
I've never been this clean.

It's like us.

I tried as a hard as I could

to be everything
you wanted me to be.

And I ended up
a castrated, obese mess.

You ended up
a dried-up old spinster.

What do you want, Chet?

I want the girls to
come to Darius... here...

in bikinis,
pool-side cocktails.

We would lose
three more hours of hard night

on a company move,

and that would leave us
two hours to shoot.

Hmm.

Bring Darius to
the mansion right now,

and I will ditch
the evening gowns.

I will give you a pool
and the bikinis.

Or I could just go and tell Gary

that we're gonna push
a few days.

All right, we'll do it my way
at the mansion.

But this is far from over.

I'm taking my kingdom back.

May the best man win.

She usually does.

Chet just declared war.

Any issues, guys?

Okay, people,

we've got five hours
of hard night to get this.

Okay? Thank you.
I need lights in the pool.

I need all the girls

out of their gowns
and into bikinis.

Oiled up, spray-tanned,
and pube-less now.

And what the hell is that?

No, you got to cover that up.

Wifeys have no tattoos.

And what are you...
What is this?

No, unless you have
a great story

about being a burn victim
under there,

you're got to change.

This is all I have.

Seriously?
I will fix it.

Okay, get her P.A.
over here right now.

Put her in someone else's
underwear if you have to

because I'm
an underwear psychic,

and I bet this bitch
packed granny panties, okay?

Get me our coats now.

Go. Move it!
Coats.

All right? Get them.
Excuse me.

Wagerstein.
Yeah?

You want to get
in a bikini, too?

No.
Out. Now.

- Got it.
- Thank you. Buh-bye.

I've got something that
would look banging on her

back in our room.
Who are you?

Oh, I'm...

Oh! Wait.

Oh, my God.
Don't do it.

That's, uh...
That's Hot Rachel.

That is amazing.

Can you not?
Yes, please go.

Run, Hot Rachel, run.

Coats, I got coats.

Thank you.

She really looks like you.
That's kind of amazing.

All right, listen.

I don't want to see any
razor burn, people, okay?

Use duct tape if you have to,
but I want those pubes out.

Quinn, if I keep following
you around like this,

the crew's gonna have
a really hard time

believing I'm the show runner.

Oh, okay.

So, were you show-running

when you let Chet
steal our suitor?

No, I was recruiting Ruby,

and you didn't even warn me
that Chet was back.

No one warns you about anything when
you're the boss. That's not our deal!

Okay, listen to me, okay?

Mm.
Look at me.

Mm-hmm?

You're my girl.

But I need Chet dead forever.

You'll get another shot.

I just got to steer us
past this train wreck,

and then I will hand the show
back to you.

Money, dick, power, right?

Yeah.
Yeah, money, dick, power.

Right.

All right, let's do this.

Even I can't stop
the sun from rising.

Lord knows I've tried.

* Oh, we kill
our way to heaven *