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1
00:00:05,221 --> 00:00:06,581
[tapping]
2
00:00:06,661 --> 00:00:09,181
Anyone watching thinking we know fuck all
3
00:00:09,261 --> 00:00:13,541
about knowing fuck all about owt,
needs to watch their backs! Oh!
4
00:00:13,621 --> 00:00:18,421
So you've had your Labour, reclassifying
skunk, sending prices sky-high.
5
00:00:18,501 --> 00:00:22,300
Literally, literally,
taking the grass from its own roots.
6
00:00:22,381 --> 00:00:25,140
And now you've got your Con-Dem-Nation.
7
00:00:25,221 --> 00:00:28,901
Liberals noshing Tories
like altar boys picking dimps up.
8
00:00:28,980 --> 00:00:32,381
Have we had a national
fucking stroke or what?
9
00:00:32,460 --> 00:00:36,301
Is revolution a word, or was it never?
10
00:00:36,381 --> 00:00:37,981
Anybody watching needs to know,
11
00:00:38,061 --> 00:00:42,220
we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
12
00:00:42,301 --> 00:00:45,540
Well, for fuck's sake,
we live in Manchester,
13
00:00:45,621 --> 00:00:48,301
and they charge us for water?
14
00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:53,101
I wandered lonely as a clown,
necking mushrooms rarely found.
15
00:00:53,181 --> 00:00:56,821
This green
and pleasant land in ancient time.
16
00:00:56,900 --> 00:00:59,421
Yak! Yak! Yak! Yak! Yak! Yak!
17
00:00:59,501 --> 00:01:02,701
It's not theirs any more.
18
00:01:02,781 --> 00:01:05,861
-This is our England now!
-[cheering]
19
00:01:05,941 --> 00:01:07,700
Party!
20
00:01:07,780 --> 00:01:09,221
[theme music]
21
00:01:13,221 --> 00:01:16,581
-[Tannoy] Dr. Page to Cardiology.
-[monitor beeping]
22
00:01:16,661 --> 00:01:19,861
[Chesney] There was a lad
in our school called Deano.
23
00:01:19,941 --> 00:01:24,661
Hard little bastard,
from a long line of hard little bastards.
24
00:01:24,741 --> 00:01:26,741
One day at school assembly,
25
00:01:26,821 --> 00:01:30,101
we were told he'd been knocked over
and was in a coma.
26
00:01:30,181 --> 00:01:32,901
And we cheered. Everyone cheered.
27
00:01:34,420 --> 00:01:36,541
And the teachers said nothing.
28
00:01:38,941 --> 00:01:42,101
They hated the fucker
just as much as we did.
29
00:01:42,181 --> 00:01:43,461
[beeping gets faster]
30
00:01:43,541 --> 00:01:47,821
But when he eventually came back
to school, he'd changed.
31
00:01:47,901 --> 00:01:51,420
Within two years, he'd sat his GCSEs
and passed the lot.
32
00:01:53,901 --> 00:01:55,780
Only one in the school that did.
33
00:01:58,661 --> 00:02:00,381
-[piano music]
-[monitor beeping normally]
34
00:03:00,461 --> 00:03:02,380
[voices in the background]
35
00:03:03,461 --> 00:03:04,341
[suspenseful music]
36
00:03:04,421 --> 00:03:05,301
Hello?
37
00:03:12,341 --> 00:03:13,380
Patty?
38
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:16,820
What the fuck are you doing?
39
00:03:16,901 --> 00:03:19,221
[distorted voice] What the fuck
are you doing?
40
00:03:21,461 --> 00:03:22,501
[Chesney] Ask what?
41
00:03:24,540 --> 00:03:25,700
I don't like this.
42
00:03:25,781 --> 00:03:29,221
That's not a question. Try again.
43
00:03:29,301 --> 00:03:31,380
I don't want this. Why am I here?
44
00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:33,980
I've already given your answer.
45
00:03:34,061 --> 00:03:35,861
No, you haven't.
46
00:03:35,941 --> 00:03:39,741
What the fuck are you doing?
47
00:03:44,341 --> 00:03:46,341
-Fuck!
-Oh!
48
00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:50,100
What the feck
are you doing out of hospital?
49
00:03:50,181 --> 00:03:52,661
-What are you doing here?
-I work here.
50
00:03:52,741 --> 00:03:53,781
No, you don't.
51
00:03:53,861 --> 00:03:56,341
I think you'll find I do,
what's left of it.
52
00:03:56,420 --> 00:03:58,221
Oh, fuck.
53
00:03:58,301 --> 00:04:01,221
All right, cuz?
Good to see you back on your feet.
54
00:04:02,260 --> 00:04:04,621
Where am I supposed to live? Where's Uzma?
55
00:04:04,700 --> 00:04:06,700
Glasgow. Sends her love.
56
00:04:06,781 --> 00:04:08,540
Everything's going to be all right.
57
00:04:08,621 --> 00:04:10,621
We're decorating the spare room
at Grandad's for you.
58
00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:12,661
Got a little job lined up, too.
59
00:04:12,741 --> 00:04:15,781
All that time I was in the hospital,
what, you've been planning this?
60
00:04:15,860 --> 00:04:17,781
No wonder
I didn't get any fucking visitors.
61
00:04:17,860 --> 00:04:19,941
Sorry, mate.
I was going to drop in tonight.
62
00:04:20,021 --> 00:04:22,701
Been mad busy getting this place
on the market.
63
00:04:22,781 --> 00:04:24,941
Yeah, doesn't Grandad
usually take care of that?
64
00:04:25,021 --> 00:04:25,981
He's in Pakistan.
65
00:04:27,101 --> 00:04:29,021
[phone rings]
66
00:04:32,581 --> 00:04:37,341
Hiya, Grandad.
How was the wedding? Oh, lovely, that.
67
00:04:37,421 --> 00:04:40,101
Try not to think of this
as something ending.
68
00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:43,581
Think of it as something
just about to begin.
69
00:04:50,301 --> 00:04:55,341
If I were shipwrecked on a desert island
with him, I would.
70
00:04:56,821 --> 00:04:59,461
Well, I think he's nice for his age.
He's a good-looking man.
71
00:04:59,541 --> 00:05:01,940
He's a good-looking ex-priest.
72
00:05:02,021 --> 00:05:05,781
He'd smell of incense and communion wine.
The guilt would dry me up.
73
00:05:05,861 --> 00:05:08,981
What do you think, Karen? Dom.
74
00:05:09,060 --> 00:05:10,661
There's only one man for me.
75
00:05:10,740 --> 00:05:13,180
He's the best-looking man
on the Chatsworth.
76
00:05:13,261 --> 00:05:16,781
-What do you think, G?
-He's too pretty for my taste.
77
00:05:18,541 --> 00:05:20,021
He's embarrassed.
78
00:05:20,101 --> 00:05:21,461
[the women laugh]
79
00:05:21,541 --> 00:05:24,581
Hey, that's a sight I've never
seen before, Mr. Maguire.
80
00:05:24,661 --> 00:05:26,141
Go 'ed, son.
81
00:05:26,221 --> 00:05:27,500
White wine?
82
00:05:32,301 --> 00:05:36,060
[Lillian] Mad busy.
I've had to service a couple myself.
83
00:05:36,141 --> 00:05:38,060
The kid with the granny fixation,
the bloke
84
00:05:38,141 --> 00:05:39,901
with the runny eyes and the Labrador.
85
00:05:39,981 --> 00:05:41,781
What was it you wanted to see me about?
86
00:05:41,861 --> 00:05:44,861
I need you to come back, Kel.
We're run off us feet.
87
00:05:44,940 --> 00:05:46,581
Business doing well, then?
88
00:05:46,661 --> 00:05:50,821
Yeah, but the hours go against
the European Work Time Directive.
89
00:05:50,901 --> 00:05:52,141
We still need help.
90
00:05:53,341 --> 00:05:55,060
We need some new recruits.
91
00:05:55,141 --> 00:05:58,341
You can't advertise for 'em
in the Evening News.
92
00:05:58,421 --> 00:06:02,461
-You'll be arrested. It's soliciting.
-Says "massage services".
93
00:06:02,541 --> 00:06:06,981
"Back-door experience essential,
girl-on-girl required as and when."
94
00:06:07,060 --> 00:06:08,421
[knocking]
95
00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:10,581
We need staff and we need 'em now.
96
00:06:10,661 --> 00:06:12,541
The girls haven't even been for a wax.
97
00:06:12,620 --> 00:06:14,541
Their fannies are like welcome mats.
98
00:06:21,261 --> 00:06:23,820
Hey, welcome back
to the land of the living, Ches.
99
00:06:25,261 --> 00:06:27,141
-On the house.
-[cheering]
100
00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:29,180
Just Chesney.
101
00:06:29,261 --> 00:06:30,740
[moaning]
102
00:06:30,820 --> 00:06:33,301
Must have terrified the life out of you.
103
00:06:33,380 --> 00:06:35,301
Bit of a wake-up call, yeah.
104
00:06:35,380 --> 00:06:38,101
I'll have to pay out now.
I was doing a book on you.
105
00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:41,701
Jonesy won the lot.
Over a hundred quid as well.
106
00:06:41,781 --> 00:06:43,421
-How come?
-He was the only one
107
00:06:43,500 --> 00:06:46,661
-that thought you'd make it.
-Good to see you. Top man, Ches, top man.
108
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,940
Rest of us thought you were
coming home in a box.
109
00:06:49,021 --> 00:06:51,861
Take no notice.
His mouth's wired directly to his arse.
110
00:06:51,940 --> 00:06:53,661
[Jackson]
We've all been worried about you.
111
00:06:53,740 --> 00:06:56,461
Run off our feet with the new business,
or we'd have dropped by the hozzy.
112
00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:59,781
We did call, but, you know, cos we
weren't related, wouldn't tell us much.
113
00:06:59,861 --> 00:07:03,301
[Avril] We miss the shop, Ches,
so we're having to do it online now.
114
00:07:03,380 --> 00:07:05,180
Dom pointed out we were all paying a fiver
115
00:07:05,261 --> 00:07:07,101
to have food delivered
to each of our houses.
116
00:07:07,180 --> 00:07:11,341
So, now we put in one massive order,
delivered to here.
117
00:07:11,421 --> 00:07:12,781
Entire drop for a fiver.
118
00:07:12,861 --> 00:07:16,101
You want to see the points
we collected on the loyalty card.
119
00:07:16,180 --> 00:07:19,781
Loads of messing, though.
Sooner be shopping at yours, Ches.
120
00:07:19,861 --> 00:07:21,620
So, when are you opening back up?
121
00:07:21,701 --> 00:07:24,620
I'm just the Paki in the corner shop
to you lot, aren't I?
122
00:07:24,701 --> 00:07:27,701
Don't be daft.
You're hardly even in the shop!
123
00:07:34,141 --> 00:07:35,820
I was wondering
when I'd get you on your own.
124
00:07:35,901 --> 00:07:37,260
Sorry?
125
00:07:37,341 --> 00:07:39,101
Let me finish up. I'll walk you home.
126
00:07:39,180 --> 00:07:40,861
There's no need.
127
00:07:40,940 --> 00:07:42,701
Well, it'd give us a chance
to talk about--
128
00:07:42,781 --> 00:07:44,500
Jamie. Seriously.
129
00:07:46,141 --> 00:07:47,701
[Dominic] Gloria?
130
00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:52,301
Come on, then. Your carriage awaits.
131
00:08:11,581 --> 00:08:13,301
You selling up?
132
00:08:13,380 --> 00:08:14,781
Grandad.
133
00:08:15,940 --> 00:08:19,380
Yeah. Not like he had much choice,
in my humble.
134
00:08:29,221 --> 00:08:31,581
Come here. You hear that?
135
00:08:32,700 --> 00:08:35,501
The monster approaching.
136
00:08:35,580 --> 00:08:42,141
A supermarket, dropping its offspring
in every postcode in the country.
137
00:08:42,220 --> 00:08:48,821
Soon you'll be standing in its shadow.
Too big for you to fight.
138
00:08:48,901 --> 00:08:51,861
And, having stuffed cash
in the back pocket of every councillor
139
00:08:51,941 --> 00:08:56,220
up and down the land,
too well-connected for you to challenge.
140
00:08:56,301 --> 00:09:00,980
It'll raise its big monster foot,
bring it down,
141
00:09:01,061 --> 00:09:03,861
and you and your shop will be gone.
142
00:09:04,901 --> 00:09:06,220
Just a memory.
143
00:09:08,261 --> 00:09:10,181
I remember when my dad
first bought this place.
144
00:09:10,261 --> 00:09:13,581
Hey, you're not facing a firing squad.
145
00:09:13,661 --> 00:09:18,941
The war's over. Walk. You're free.
146
00:09:20,821 --> 00:09:23,261
Yeah. I am.
147
00:09:25,021 --> 00:09:26,181
Thanks, Frank.
148
00:09:29,141 --> 00:09:29,980
Ches.
149
00:09:31,460 --> 00:09:32,460
Give us a hand.
150
00:09:32,541 --> 00:09:34,340
Knees fuse after a while.
151
00:09:37,821 --> 00:09:39,381
[Frank groans]
152
00:09:48,661 --> 00:09:51,100
Got viewings organised today, mate.
153
00:09:51,181 --> 00:09:52,741
Won't make too good an impression
154
00:09:52,821 --> 00:09:56,181
with your undies
and jizz mags all over the place.
155
00:09:56,261 --> 00:09:57,340
Personal stuff.
156
00:09:57,421 --> 00:10:00,261
Removal van's booked.
Need this place empty by Thursday.
157
00:10:00,340 --> 00:10:02,901
Gas and leccy'll be cut off a week Friday.
158
00:10:02,980 --> 00:10:04,821
Asked them to forward me
the bills at base.
159
00:10:04,901 --> 00:10:06,100
Base?
160
00:10:06,181 --> 00:10:08,781
Grandad's. Bradford?
161
00:10:10,581 --> 00:10:13,421
Box what you want, bin what you don't.
162
00:10:14,621 --> 00:10:17,021
Nice little shop lined up for you
in Bradford.
163
00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:20,501
Loads of old people, not too much stress.
164
00:10:20,581 --> 00:10:24,381
Keep your head down
and you'll reap the rewards.
165
00:10:24,460 --> 00:10:26,261
Wah! Ya! Ya!
166
00:10:27,581 --> 00:10:29,980
Ah!
167
00:10:30,061 --> 00:10:33,220
[cousin] And in a few years' time,
if you play your cards right...
168
00:10:34,340 --> 00:10:36,781
[bubbling]
169
00:10:36,860 --> 00:10:39,860
So, I'll tell Grandad you're on your way.
170
00:10:41,220 --> 00:10:42,301
No.
171
00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:47,980
-Tell him thanks, but no, thanks.
-Che...
172
00:10:56,021 --> 00:10:58,821
Thank you very much, Father.
Bless you too.
173
00:11:01,220 --> 00:11:04,301
The community centre's all yours.
174
00:11:04,381 --> 00:11:07,541
Not being funny,
but why are you auditioning hookers?
175
00:11:07,621 --> 00:11:09,381
To see if they're right for the job.
176
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:13,100
And surely possessing a fanny
makes them right for the job?
177
00:11:13,181 --> 00:11:15,740
-There's a bit more to it than that.
-We all know how easy it is
178
00:11:15,821 --> 00:11:17,740
to get a man off.
179
00:11:17,821 --> 00:11:20,261
What you have to ensure, Ruby,
180
00:11:20,340 --> 00:11:23,901
is that you not only get him off,
but you get him back time after time.
181
00:11:23,980 --> 00:11:26,460
Some sort of brand loyalty?
182
00:11:26,541 --> 00:11:30,261
More often than not, you're giving a man
what he doesn't get at home,
183
00:11:30,340 --> 00:11:32,541
and that can be a combination
of a million things.
184
00:11:32,621 --> 00:11:36,141
Don't try and pass off what you do as
some sort of psychological balancing act.
185
00:11:36,220 --> 00:11:38,301
You fuck for money.
186
00:11:39,541 --> 00:11:42,220
He might crave intimacy. Give it.
187
00:11:42,301 --> 00:11:46,421
A straightforward, selfish fuck. Give it.
188
00:11:46,501 --> 00:11:49,301
To talk? Let him.
189
00:11:49,381 --> 00:11:52,501
He might want you to tell him
he's the best you've ever had,
190
00:11:52,581 --> 00:11:55,301
and you've been repulsed
by everything he's done.
191
00:11:55,381 --> 00:11:58,220
Get them in, get their money,
get them out.
192
00:11:58,301 --> 00:12:01,181
-It's all about profit.
-It's all about the moolah.
193
00:12:01,261 --> 00:12:02,781
And not much else.
194
00:12:02,860 --> 00:12:05,621
-[Kelly chuckles]
-It's not exactly skilled labour, is it?
195
00:12:05,701 --> 00:12:07,181
Says the voice of experience.
196
00:12:07,261 --> 00:12:11,381
You see, you don't need to be in your line
of work to know what a man's looking for.
197
00:12:11,460 --> 00:12:15,541
Market research, see who really
knows her arse from her elbow.
198
00:12:19,621 --> 00:12:21,541
Yeah, all right, you're on.
199
00:12:23,061 --> 00:12:28,100
I was having a discussion with a friend.
Well, I say "discussion", I mean argument.
200
00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:31,941
And I say "friend". Actually,
she's just some slapper that I know.
201
00:12:32,021 --> 00:12:33,421
But we were just wondering...
202
00:12:33,501 --> 00:12:35,541
...exactly what it was
men look for in a woman.
203
00:12:35,620 --> 00:12:36,821
[muffled moaning]
204
00:12:36,901 --> 00:12:41,301
Experience tells me men crave tenderness.
205
00:12:41,381 --> 00:12:42,901
A little bit of affection.
206
00:12:44,100 --> 00:12:47,701
-After a good spanking.
-Obviously.
207
00:12:47,781 --> 00:12:49,620
[Ruby] A man knows exactly
what he's after.
208
00:12:49,701 --> 00:12:52,701
And it ain't chitchat.
He can get that from his ma.
209
00:12:52,781 --> 00:12:53,980
If she wasn't dead.
210
00:12:54,061 --> 00:12:56,941
You see,
I think all men like a spot of courting.
211
00:12:57,021 --> 00:13:00,860
A bit of getting to know you,
nice bit of talk, just to melt the ice.
212
00:13:00,941 --> 00:13:04,581
Men are ruled directly
by their baser instincts.
213
00:13:04,661 --> 00:13:08,141
Evolution's taught them
you get in quick, you drop your DNA
214
00:13:08,220 --> 00:13:11,301
and then go off to the next egg
to be fertilised ASAP.
215
00:13:11,381 --> 00:13:13,381
It's a bit of a cliché, isn't it?
216
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:14,860
Well, clichés are rooted in truth.
217
00:13:14,941 --> 00:13:17,261
Does that truth apply
to the Madonna-whore argument?
218
00:13:17,340 --> 00:13:21,860
No, because that is a bit simplistic.
That's just obvious.
219
00:13:21,941 --> 00:13:23,340
What do you reckon, Mimi?
220
00:13:23,421 --> 00:13:25,661
Are all women mothers or scrubbers?
221
00:13:25,740 --> 00:13:27,581
I like to think I'm a bit of both.
222
00:13:32,701 --> 00:13:35,381
I can get a ton 20 online.
223
00:13:35,460 --> 00:13:37,421
Then go online.
224
00:13:37,501 --> 00:13:41,941
All right, 30 it is. Class traitor.
Capitalising on the misery of folk
225
00:13:42,021 --> 00:13:44,661
forced to sell their possessions
to make ends meet.
226
00:13:44,740 --> 00:13:46,381
-Stop nicking my stuff!
-Hey!
227
00:13:46,460 --> 00:13:47,781
Get off!
228
00:13:50,340 --> 00:13:52,661
-Is my SIM in?
-What the fuck's a SIM?
229
00:13:55,061 --> 00:13:57,421
Oh, you're never getting rid
of poor old Larry, are you?
230
00:13:57,501 --> 00:14:02,340
Colin, how many more times?
We can't take livestock.
231
00:14:02,421 --> 00:14:05,141
We simply don't have the facilities.
232
00:14:06,301 --> 00:14:07,941
-Oh! Sorry, Larry.
-[Larry whinnies]
233
00:14:10,581 --> 00:14:12,821
[Gloria] ♪ I've got it, I've got it ♪
234
00:14:12,901 --> 00:14:18,220
♪ I'm every woman, it's all in me ♪
235
00:14:19,421 --> 00:14:22,980
♪ Anything you want right now
I'll give it naturally ♪
236
00:14:23,061 --> 00:14:25,541
Just a little list of things
I wanted to do, not mad things,
237
00:14:25,620 --> 00:14:27,500
little dreams I had when I was a kid.
238
00:14:27,581 --> 00:14:29,500
I've always dreamed of having a threesome.
239
00:14:29,581 --> 00:14:31,581
-Been there.
-Done that.
240
00:14:31,661 --> 00:14:35,141
Twosomes, threesomes,
young women, old women...
241
00:14:35,220 --> 00:14:36,620
-Mum and daughter.
-Mile high.
242
00:14:36,701 --> 00:14:38,941
-Pissed up, drugged up.
-Fucked up, tied up.
243
00:14:39,021 --> 00:14:40,821
-Indoor, outdoor.
-Front door, back door.
244
00:14:40,901 --> 00:14:42,781
Oh, back door...
245
00:14:44,460 --> 00:14:46,500
Hey, I can help you out
with that one easy enough.
246
00:14:46,581 --> 00:14:48,261
[Jackson] And I could cover
that one, mate.
247
00:14:48,340 --> 00:14:49,301
[Chesney] Yeah?
248
00:14:49,381 --> 00:14:51,301
-[Mimi] Ches, you're up!
-[cheering and applause]
249
00:14:51,381 --> 00:14:52,541
Singing?
250
00:14:52,620 --> 00:14:55,460
First time for everything, mate.
251
00:14:56,901 --> 00:14:58,261
I've got to see this.
252
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:02,661
One, two, three, uh!
253
00:15:02,740 --> 00:15:06,381
♪ My baby don't mess around
Because she loves me so ♪
254
00:15:06,460 --> 00:15:09,141
♪ And this I know for sure ♪
255
00:15:10,381 --> 00:15:11,301
♪ Uh! ♪
256
00:15:11,381 --> 00:15:13,381
♪ But does she really want to ♪
257
00:15:13,460 --> 00:15:17,581
♪ But can't stand to see me
Walk out the door ♪
258
00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:21,860
♪ Don't try to fight the feeling ♪
259
00:15:21,941 --> 00:15:25,381
♪ Cos the thought alone
is killing me right now ♪
260
00:15:25,460 --> 00:15:26,980
Sing with me now!
261
00:15:27,061 --> 00:15:29,181
["Hey Ya!" playing]
♪ Hey ya ♪
262
00:15:29,261 --> 00:15:33,421
-Yeah! Top of the world!
-[truck honking]
263
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:35,541
Stick your helmet on, you mad bastard!
264
00:15:35,620 --> 00:15:40,261
♪ Hey ya ♪
265
00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:42,821
♪ Hey ya ♪
266
00:15:42,901 --> 00:15:46,781
-Oi! What the fuck are you doing?
-[laughter]
267
00:15:46,860 --> 00:15:52,701
♪ But got it just don't get it
Till there's nothing at all ♪
268
00:15:52,781 --> 00:15:56,340
♪ We get together, oh, we get together
But separate's always better ♪
269
00:15:56,421 --> 00:16:00,541
-♪ When there's feelings involved ♪
-[shot]
270
00:16:00,620 --> 00:16:01,980
-♪ If what they say is ♪
-[shot]
271
00:16:02,061 --> 00:16:03,340
-Ah!
-♪ Nothing is forever ♪
272
00:16:03,421 --> 00:16:07,581
♪ Then what makes, then what makes
Then what makes, then what makes ♪
273
00:16:07,661 --> 00:16:08,980
♪ Love the exception ♪
274
00:16:09,061 --> 00:16:12,061
♪ So, why, oh, why, oh
Why, oh, why, oh, why, oh ♪
275
00:16:12,141 --> 00:16:16,500
♪ Are we so in denial
When we know we're not happy here? ♪
276
00:16:16,581 --> 00:16:19,021
-♪ Y'all don't want me here ♪
-[screaming]
277
00:16:21,821 --> 00:16:25,380
♪ Hey ya ♪
278
00:16:25,460 --> 00:16:26,701
[cheering]
279
00:16:28,901 --> 00:16:31,261
I did not know you had that in you, mate.
280
00:16:31,340 --> 00:16:32,380
Neither did I.
281
00:16:32,460 --> 00:16:35,340
It's got me thinking about stuff
I'd like to do as well.
282
00:16:35,421 --> 00:16:36,500
Go on.
283
00:16:36,581 --> 00:16:40,340
Well, like swimming with dolphins.
That'd be cool, wouldn't it?
284
00:16:40,421 --> 00:16:42,620
-Or jump out of a plane.
-That could be arranged.
285
00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:44,380
I think he means with a parachute.
286
00:16:44,460 --> 00:16:46,541
[Chesney] We're talking dreams, aren't we?
287
00:16:46,620 --> 00:16:49,061
Things you'd like to do
if other things weren't in our way.
288
00:16:49,141 --> 00:16:53,100
Exactly. Like getting a bit
of back-door action off Mimi.
289
00:16:53,181 --> 00:16:55,661
-Same again, lads?
-Yes, mate.
290
00:16:55,740 --> 00:16:58,541
Can I just have-- Ugh! Ah!
291
00:17:00,581 --> 00:17:02,541
Shit.
292
00:17:02,620 --> 00:17:05,221
-Me purse is gone.
-You're kidding!
293
00:17:05,301 --> 00:17:06,501
My purse is gone.
294
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,741
-[bell rings]
-Is there a tea-leaf in here?
295
00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:12,741
[all] Yeah!
296
00:17:12,821 --> 00:17:15,981
[Mimi] You know what I mean,
you gang of smartarses.
297
00:17:17,581 --> 00:17:18,541
Fuck.
298
00:17:20,261 --> 00:17:22,021
Good day?
299
00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:24,021
Fucking blinding, as it goes.
300
00:17:24,100 --> 00:17:28,900
Think I've got maybe half a dozen people
that take their pleasure serious.
301
00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:33,861
Yeah, spoke to a few myself.
You know, the young and limber ones.
302
00:17:33,940 --> 00:17:36,261
I have clients I've known ten years.
303
00:17:36,341 --> 00:17:38,461
I wasn't even in high school
ten years ago.
304
00:17:38,541 --> 00:17:40,821
Bet you still gave a good blow job,
though.
305
00:17:58,261 --> 00:18:00,261
You are joking, Jamie?
306
00:18:02,381 --> 00:18:04,381
Drinks are on me next time I'm in.
307
00:18:04,461 --> 00:18:05,900
I owe you an apology.
308
00:18:07,501 --> 00:18:08,741
For not calling.
309
00:18:10,061 --> 00:18:14,141
If your application's successful,
I'll supply the condoms and lube.
310
00:18:14,221 --> 00:18:18,061
Then all you have to do is lie back
and think of Lytham St Anne's.
311
00:18:18,141 --> 00:18:24,101
Look. It was just a fuck,
nothing more and nothing less.
312
00:18:24,180 --> 00:18:25,741
[toilet flushes]
313
00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:29,141
[whispers] It's Dom.
314
00:18:29,221 --> 00:18:30,900
[footsteps]
315
00:18:34,541 --> 00:18:37,940
[door closes]
316
00:18:38,021 --> 00:18:39,341
[shower runs]
317
00:18:47,861 --> 00:18:49,301
[zip]
318
00:19:00,420 --> 00:19:01,461
Oh.
319
00:19:06,061 --> 00:19:08,461
[both moan]
320
00:19:13,021 --> 00:19:14,981
Oh. Ah.
321
00:19:15,061 --> 00:19:16,940
Ah! Oh!
322
00:19:18,180 --> 00:19:21,501
[both panting and moaning]
323
00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:02,581
[sighs]
324
00:20:05,940 --> 00:20:09,141
I'm not bothered about a job just yet.
I want to enjoy myself for a bit.
325
00:20:11,461 --> 00:20:12,581
What's that?
326
00:20:13,900 --> 00:20:15,981
Oh, please don't, Karen.
327
00:20:16,061 --> 00:20:18,741
[Karen] Where did you get the photo?
It's ancient.
328
00:20:19,981 --> 00:20:23,061
Lip gave it me. Years back.
329
00:20:23,141 --> 00:20:26,461
Who for? Me or Wendy?
330
00:20:26,541 --> 00:20:29,700
Both. Look, I was 12.
331
00:20:29,781 --> 00:20:31,221
[Karen] God, I was young.
332
00:20:32,341 --> 00:20:33,660
Can I borrow this?
333
00:20:35,420 --> 00:20:38,101
Me and Carl used to say
we'd ask the both of you out.
334
00:20:38,180 --> 00:20:40,940
-Cinema, pizza.
-Hey, Wendy'd still be up for that.
335
00:20:41,021 --> 00:20:42,741
-I'll give her a bell.
-No.
336
00:20:45,341 --> 00:20:50,101
Fuck it. Yeah, yeah. Call her.
That'd be brilliant.
337
00:20:50,180 --> 00:20:52,341
What have you stuck this in with, Ches?
338
00:21:00,900 --> 00:21:02,781
What are you doing
having a shower at this time?
339
00:21:02,861 --> 00:21:04,621
Spilt a load of ale
over myself in the cellar.
340
00:21:04,700 --> 00:21:06,900
-I'll put your clothes in the wash.
-I've done it.
341
00:21:08,061 --> 00:21:10,461
Getting very domesticated in your old age.
342
00:21:10,541 --> 00:21:11,940
Yeah, well, I'm in my prime, me.
343
00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:16,700
Thinking about getting my hair cut.
What do you reckon?
344
00:21:17,781 --> 00:21:19,021
Do you approve?
345
00:21:20,381 --> 00:21:22,101
Yeah, blonde's good.
346
00:21:22,180 --> 00:21:23,660
Hm.
347
00:21:27,180 --> 00:21:28,141
Mm.
348
00:21:31,061 --> 00:21:32,660
I'll take that as a yes.
349
00:21:44,420 --> 00:21:45,420
-Hey!
-Hey!
350
00:21:45,501 --> 00:21:47,700
-Nice, Ches.
-What's that?
351
00:21:47,781 --> 00:21:50,221
I'm sensing there's a woman involved.
352
00:21:50,301 --> 00:21:51,460
Not just a woman.
353
00:21:51,541 --> 00:21:54,821
-Woman of his dreams.
-Yeah, wet dreams!
354
00:21:54,900 --> 00:21:57,940
-A girl I had a crush on, years back.
-Been carrying a bit of a torch for her.
355
00:21:58,021 --> 00:22:01,900
Well, she's agreed to accompany me
on a date. Wine, dine...
356
00:22:01,981 --> 00:22:03,180
Sixty nine.
357
00:22:04,541 --> 00:22:06,861
Nah, I want to do this properly.
Nice meal...
358
00:22:06,940 --> 00:22:08,940
Candlelight, bit of a chat.
359
00:22:09,021 --> 00:22:10,541
Exactly.
360
00:22:10,621 --> 00:22:13,341
Last time we seen each other,
we were kids.
361
00:22:13,420 --> 00:22:14,861
Now you're all grown up.
362
00:22:14,940 --> 00:22:16,821
Quick one before she turns up, Ches?
363
00:22:20,541 --> 00:22:24,341
You know... bit of fluff there.
364
00:22:24,420 --> 00:22:25,581
Cheers, mate.
365
00:22:26,621 --> 00:22:30,261
So, I hope she's worth all this effort.
366
00:22:30,341 --> 00:22:35,021
Yeah, man, she's lovely.
I just can't believe she said yes.
367
00:22:35,101 --> 00:22:36,861
That why you're so nervous, eh?
368
00:22:36,940 --> 00:22:40,221
Yeah, it's a big deal.
Just want to get it right.
369
00:22:40,301 --> 00:22:41,621
Course you do.
370
00:22:42,700 --> 00:22:46,180
Cos I've waited years for this.
All my fucking life.
371
00:22:49,141 --> 00:22:50,460
[Dominic] Aye-aye.
372
00:22:54,341 --> 00:22:55,900
[exhales forcefully]
373
00:23:09,261 --> 00:23:11,460
Father Craig said
they were waiting in here.
374
00:23:18,141 --> 00:23:20,261
Bloody hell.
375
00:23:20,341 --> 00:23:22,381
[chatter]
376
00:23:22,460 --> 00:23:24,900
I knew jobs were thin on the ground,
but this is ridiculous.
377
00:23:24,981 --> 00:23:27,061
You sure everyone's in the right room?
378
00:23:27,141 --> 00:23:29,900
Can I just ask,
is everyone here to see Lillian Tyler?
379
00:23:29,981 --> 00:23:33,021
Is that for the auditions for the whoring?
380
00:23:33,101 --> 00:23:35,261
Don't knock it if you haven't tried it.
381
00:23:35,341 --> 00:23:36,821
Big market for GILFs.
382
00:23:36,900 --> 00:23:38,660
[Lillian] You'll be old one day.
383
00:23:38,741 --> 00:23:40,460
Right, let's get down to business.
384
00:23:40,541 --> 00:23:41,660
[baby crying]
385
00:23:41,741 --> 00:23:45,061
Right, can everyone under 25
go to the right, please?
386
00:23:45,141 --> 00:23:47,621
[Kelly] Everybody over 25 to your left.
387
00:23:47,700 --> 00:23:50,861
Bus passes, Zimmers
and arthritics to the back.
388
00:23:53,940 --> 00:23:55,180
[coughs]
389
00:24:03,660 --> 00:24:04,660
Hi, mate.
390
00:24:07,381 --> 00:24:10,781
-I don't know what's going on here, but--
-Nothing's going on.
391
00:24:10,861 --> 00:24:13,341
We can't do this. It was a mistake.
392
00:24:13,420 --> 00:24:16,940
-That happened twice.
-[whispering] That won't happen again.
393
00:24:18,821 --> 00:24:21,261
Do you know what, Gloria?
I'm not that fucking desperate.
394
00:24:23,341 --> 00:24:26,101
[Billy] Not even a ham shank
on the way home?
395
00:24:26,180 --> 00:24:29,900
Wasn't about that.
This was about romance. Right, Ches?
396
00:24:29,981 --> 00:24:31,101
[romantic music]
397
00:24:35,301 --> 00:24:40,261
You know how to do things properly, Ches.
You've grown up into a lovely little gent.
398
00:24:40,341 --> 00:24:41,861
It was about getting to know each other.
399
00:24:41,940 --> 00:24:46,021
Seeing if you've got more in common than
just a physical attraction. Small talk.
400
00:24:46,101 --> 00:24:50,261
That one should never have been
allowed within ten feet of a school.
401
00:24:50,341 --> 00:24:53,541
He were a fuckin' lech. Knicker sniffer.
402
00:24:56,501 --> 00:25:01,101
So, you forked out for a three-course
meal, wine and a cab?
403
00:25:01,180 --> 00:25:04,061
If I'd laid that amount of cash out,
I'd be wanting something in return.
404
00:25:04,141 --> 00:25:07,141
Wasn't really that kind of night.
405
00:25:07,221 --> 00:25:10,381
You're the fittest guy
I've been with all month.
406
00:25:10,460 --> 00:25:11,981
Month?
407
00:25:12,061 --> 00:25:14,541
-We need to get you home.
-No.
408
00:25:14,621 --> 00:25:18,141
My dad's in. We can't.
It's okay, here'll do.
409
00:25:20,581 --> 00:25:21,900
[zip]
410
00:25:26,180 --> 00:25:29,180
Must have been a dodgy prawn.
411
00:25:30,621 --> 00:25:33,900
Know what? I dreamt of being
with that girl so many times.
412
00:25:33,981 --> 00:25:37,261
That it could never live up
to your expectations.
413
00:25:37,341 --> 00:25:38,621
Happens to us all.
414
00:25:39,940 --> 00:25:41,301
Bad timing.
415
00:25:41,381 --> 00:25:45,180
Thought I'd find you here
with your drinking cronies.
416
00:25:45,261 --> 00:25:48,460
You left that in the shop.
It looked important.
417
00:25:55,061 --> 00:25:56,741
I'm done with this.
418
00:25:58,741 --> 00:26:01,781
-Same again, chaps?
-Yeah.
419
00:26:06,781 --> 00:26:09,301
[whistles]
420
00:26:27,180 --> 00:26:28,660
Fuck me!
421
00:26:28,741 --> 00:26:32,460
[distorted voice] I won't fuck you,
if it's all the same.
422
00:26:32,541 --> 00:26:34,781
I haven't got a question.
423
00:26:34,861 --> 00:26:39,940
No, but I have.
What kind of man are you going to be?
424
00:26:40,021 --> 00:26:43,700
One who squeaks or one who roars?
425
00:26:50,101 --> 00:26:51,341
Hiya.
426
00:26:56,261 --> 00:26:58,341
[vacuum cleaner hums]
427
00:27:10,541 --> 00:27:13,021
Well, it was certainly entertaining.
428
00:27:13,101 --> 00:27:15,621
[Lillian] Can you tell me
a bit about yourself, sweetheart?
429
00:27:15,700 --> 00:27:18,621
Well, I'm a community policeman
during the day.
430
00:27:18,700 --> 00:27:21,341
Trying to earn a few extra bob
at night, really.
431
00:27:21,420 --> 00:27:25,501
It'd be great for the locals, but would it
appeal to the international market?
432
00:27:25,581 --> 00:27:28,021
Have you got anything else
that you can show us?
433
00:27:41,861 --> 00:27:43,061
Looks nice, Karen.
434
00:27:44,581 --> 00:27:47,261
-Don't you think, Jamie?
-Yeah, lovely.
435
00:27:47,341 --> 00:27:48,861
You haven't even looked.
436
00:27:53,341 --> 00:27:55,981
Why didn't you tell her
she looked lovely, soft lad?
437
00:27:56,061 --> 00:27:56,900
Cos I'd be lying.
438
00:27:56,981 --> 00:28:00,021
Well, if you can't lie to your wife,
who can you lie to?
439
00:28:00,101 --> 00:28:06,061
Flowers. One fuck-off bunch of roses
and a big, fat apology. Heartless bastard.
440
00:28:13,741 --> 00:28:17,541
The living accommodation will give you
a good return on your investment.
441
00:28:17,621 --> 00:28:20,541
And there's masses of potential
for the shop.
442
00:28:20,621 --> 00:28:25,501
I'm thinking wall-to-wall sunbeds,
maybe a spray-tan machine.
443
00:28:25,581 --> 00:28:29,220
Plenty round here in need of a tan
and not just the fellas.
444
00:28:35,101 --> 00:28:36,301
Not a clue.
445
00:28:37,861 --> 00:28:38,980
Unlike you.
446
00:28:40,581 --> 00:28:44,220
You know, people just need a little shop
selling basics. Stuff you've run out of.
447
00:28:44,301 --> 00:28:45,541
Essentials.
448
00:28:45,621 --> 00:28:47,541
And who needs more than that?
449
00:28:47,621 --> 00:28:49,621
Life's too short.
450
00:28:49,700 --> 00:28:51,940
Hm. Exactly.
451
00:28:54,301 --> 00:28:56,621
-I look like I've been hang-gliding.
-[Gloria sighs]
452
00:28:56,700 --> 00:28:59,700
Seriously, Karen,
you need to go back to the salon.
453
00:28:59,781 --> 00:29:02,541
Especially what they charged you.
They should put it right.
454
00:29:02,621 --> 00:29:06,541
Well, I didn't pay 'em. I refused to.
Tried to force me.
455
00:29:06,621 --> 00:29:10,660
Said my fella would torch the place
if they gave me any more hassle.
456
00:29:10,741 --> 00:29:12,900
-Is that what he said?
-He's not bothered.
457
00:29:12,980 --> 00:29:15,541
Mardy-arsed bastard's got his Calvins
in a twist for some reason.
458
00:29:15,621 --> 00:29:17,741
-[knocking]
-[Dominic] I'll get it!
459
00:29:19,301 --> 00:29:22,220
Oh, God, I don't want him
to see me like this.
460
00:29:22,301 --> 00:29:24,900
I don't want anybody to see me like this.
461
00:29:24,980 --> 00:29:29,061
Please, G, can't you get me back
to some sort of normality?
462
00:29:30,581 --> 00:29:31,501
Thank you.
463
00:29:31,581 --> 00:29:34,301
Gloria. These are for you.
464
00:29:36,021 --> 00:29:39,420
New fella? Never said.
465
00:29:39,501 --> 00:29:41,220
Nothing special.
466
00:29:41,301 --> 00:29:43,460
[Dominic] You've obviously
made an impression.
467
00:29:44,900 --> 00:29:46,420
Cheers.
468
00:29:47,781 --> 00:29:51,180
Him upstairs has given you a second
chance, and what are you doing with it?
469
00:29:51,261 --> 00:29:53,980
Propping up the bar with someone
old enough to be your dad.
470
00:29:54,061 --> 00:29:56,621
-Oh, thanks, Mimi.
-I'm not knocking it.
471
00:29:56,700 --> 00:30:00,341
If you're going to go, go happy,
that's what I'm saying.
472
00:30:00,420 --> 00:30:02,420
I am going to do something, Mimi.
473
00:30:02,501 --> 00:30:06,021
The plans I've heard from fellas
sat where you are, Ches,
474
00:30:06,101 --> 00:30:08,021
going to conquer the world.
475
00:30:08,101 --> 00:30:11,781
Not one of them even got
as far as the end of the M62.
476
00:30:13,021 --> 00:30:14,180
Who's paying?
477
00:30:14,261 --> 00:30:17,101
Here, I'll get this.
478
00:30:18,900 --> 00:30:20,101
-There we go.
-Ta.
479
00:30:21,180 --> 00:30:23,541
I need to... I need to go.
480
00:30:23,621 --> 00:30:25,141
I've got to do something.
481
00:30:29,381 --> 00:30:31,781
[Mimi] Stunning. Absolutely stunning.
482
00:30:31,861 --> 00:30:34,700
-Give us a twirl!
-Looks good.
483
00:30:34,781 --> 00:30:36,900
-[Dominic] Beautiful.
-Yeah, thanks to Gloria.
484
00:30:36,980 --> 00:30:39,420
Now, that's what I call an apology.
485
00:30:39,501 --> 00:30:41,660
They're off G, some shag she's had.
486
00:30:41,741 --> 00:30:45,301
Banged him twice, and it's all red roses
and: "When can I see you again?"
487
00:30:45,381 --> 00:30:47,581
Oh, how pathetic are some fellas?
488
00:30:50,900 --> 00:30:54,061
I'll contact the family solicitors
and get the contracts drawn up.
489
00:30:54,141 --> 00:30:58,021
Forget your tanning shop idea. Won't work.
Look, no-one's got the cash for sunbeds.
490
00:30:58,101 --> 00:31:00,180
Only reason he's telling you otherwise
491
00:31:00,261 --> 00:31:02,621
is to get shot of this place
and back to Bradford.
492
00:31:02,700 --> 00:31:04,180
-[phone rings]
-What's it to you?
493
00:31:05,781 --> 00:31:10,220
You're getting this all wrong, Ches.
It's not about us and you.
494
00:31:10,301 --> 00:31:12,301
That's how it's coming over, Toof.
495
00:31:12,381 --> 00:31:14,940
I want you to come home with me.
496
00:31:15,021 --> 00:31:16,501
I need you to see something.
497
00:31:22,900 --> 00:31:26,660
First place we had, flat over a chippy.
498
00:31:26,741 --> 00:31:29,501
Stunk of fish and grease.
499
00:31:29,581 --> 00:31:31,101
Do you know what I mean?
500
00:31:32,180 --> 00:31:35,741
Then one day,
Grandad picks us up from the shop,
501
00:31:35,821 --> 00:31:38,741
brings us here, hands us the keys.
502
00:31:38,821 --> 00:31:43,541
He were that pleased with the graft
we'd put in, rewarded us with this.
503
00:31:45,821 --> 00:31:48,541
I know he can be a pain in the arse.
504
00:31:48,621 --> 00:31:50,581
Work him to your advantage, Ches.
505
00:31:50,660 --> 00:31:52,861
I dream of somewhere like this.
506
00:31:52,940 --> 00:31:54,581
Could be yours.
507
00:31:57,301 --> 00:32:00,021
That's the point, really, Toof.
508
00:32:00,101 --> 00:32:01,381
It couldn't.
509
00:32:01,460 --> 00:32:03,460
Just like it'll never be yours.
510
00:32:03,541 --> 00:32:05,821
Step out of line, you'll be back
in that flat over the chippy
511
00:32:05,900 --> 00:32:07,101
-in no time.
-No.
512
00:32:07,180 --> 00:32:09,700
I saw how he used to treat Dad
when he wasn't doing as he was told.
513
00:32:09,781 --> 00:32:12,021
There's always going to be a boss,
514
00:32:12,101 --> 00:32:14,740
always someone telling you what to do
and how to do it.
515
00:32:14,821 --> 00:32:17,940
Not for me there isn't.
I'm going to buy the shop.
516
00:32:19,101 --> 00:32:21,581
You can't do it on your own.
517
00:32:21,660 --> 00:32:22,660
No?
518
00:32:25,581 --> 00:32:26,980
Well, I'll die trying.
519
00:32:54,900 --> 00:32:56,420
Go on, fuck off.
520
00:32:59,700 --> 00:33:01,341
[keypad beeping]
521
00:33:07,940 --> 00:33:10,381
[voicemail] Please leave
your message after the tone.
522
00:33:10,460 --> 00:33:12,781
It's me. I need to see you.
523
00:33:13,900 --> 00:33:16,781
[sighs]
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend.
524
00:33:16,861 --> 00:33:21,501
This sort of thing, it's not my usual bag.
It's confusing.
525
00:33:22,821 --> 00:33:26,301
[sighs]
Just call me. Please.
526
00:33:30,180 --> 00:33:31,940
What the fuck are you looking at?
527
00:33:32,021 --> 00:33:33,980
Oh! Oh!
528
00:33:40,220 --> 00:33:42,220
[cheering and applause]
529
00:33:44,220 --> 00:33:46,021
[cat mews]
530
00:33:51,460 --> 00:33:54,141
Well, I'll tell you something odd,
and this is going to sound weird,
531
00:33:54,220 --> 00:33:55,621
but I had this dream last night,
532
00:33:55,700 --> 00:33:58,740
and you came in here
and you played out this dream.
533
00:33:58,821 --> 00:34:01,301
It's unbelievable.
It's totally unbelievable.
534
00:34:01,381 --> 00:34:04,581
-Fuck.
-[man] We want to live that dream.
535
00:34:04,660 --> 00:34:07,581
We're doing this for us family.
We want to give them a better life,
536
00:34:07,660 --> 00:34:10,941
a decent home, a future.
537
00:34:11,021 --> 00:34:14,700
We've got four kids. We're saving
for college fees for the brightest.
538
00:34:14,780 --> 00:34:17,260
It's a specialty act, and a good one.
539
00:34:17,340 --> 00:34:19,260
I see a bright future for you two.
540
00:34:19,340 --> 00:34:22,941
Fuck. Where's the art? Eh?
541
00:34:23,021 --> 00:34:24,780
Where's the originality?
542
00:34:24,860 --> 00:34:28,220
Says she who thinks "legs akimbo"
is in the Kama Sutra.
543
00:34:28,300 --> 00:34:29,780
This is my game, kid.
544
00:34:29,860 --> 00:34:34,061
You might have had a few knee tremblers
along the way, but I am an artiste.
545
00:34:34,141 --> 00:34:36,780
No, you are stuck in your ways,
because you've been at it for too long.
546
00:34:36,860 --> 00:34:39,461
And you've not been at it long enough.
547
00:34:39,541 --> 00:34:42,461
You know what?
You're past your sell-by date, love.
548
00:34:42,541 --> 00:34:44,660
-[Kelly gasps]
-[audience] Oh...
549
00:34:49,061 --> 00:34:52,581
Suits you. You look lovely.
550
00:34:54,820 --> 00:34:56,220
I'm sorry.
551
00:34:56,300 --> 00:34:58,141
Are you going to tell me what's up?
552
00:34:59,261 --> 00:35:00,581
I'm just bored.
553
00:35:01,780 --> 00:35:03,541
Of me? Us?
554
00:35:05,181 --> 00:35:06,381
Of this place.
555
00:35:08,300 --> 00:35:12,741
I wake up here,
I work here, eat here, sleep here.
556
00:35:14,181 --> 00:35:15,901
I'll live and fucking die here.
557
00:35:15,981 --> 00:35:19,820
The same four walls'd
drive anyone round the bend.
558
00:35:22,381 --> 00:35:26,581
You are more important than any of this.
559
00:35:30,501 --> 00:35:32,941
Now, let's get a smile back on that face.
560
00:35:37,741 --> 00:35:39,141
I love you.
561
00:35:52,941 --> 00:35:55,741
[Lillian] I managed
to convince her to come back.
562
00:35:55,820 --> 00:35:58,061
I miss the funny accent, if I'm honest.
563
00:35:58,141 --> 00:36:01,941
-Fucking skin her!
-Can we not aim for a bit of decorum?
564
00:36:02,021 --> 00:36:06,701
Look, we've people's futures in our hands.
Hopes, dreams, ambitions.
565
00:36:09,141 --> 00:36:10,820
Decision time.
566
00:36:10,901 --> 00:36:12,661
Well, I think we can lose
"woman with the cock".
567
00:36:12,741 --> 00:36:15,381
-It's a man with tits.
-It's just confusing.
568
00:36:16,820 --> 00:36:18,780
RSCPA'II kick off.
569
00:36:18,860 --> 00:36:20,581
Vacuum man were interesting.
570
00:36:20,661 --> 00:36:22,901
Perfect, if you want a good ramming.
571
00:36:22,981 --> 00:36:25,300
A looker, but a bit obvious.
572
00:36:25,381 --> 00:36:28,181
Yeah, when you pay good money,
"obvious" is what you want.
573
00:36:30,981 --> 00:36:32,061
Our final four.
574
00:36:32,141 --> 00:36:33,941
The librarian from Burnley?
575
00:36:34,021 --> 00:36:35,541
This wasn't on our vote, Lillian.
576
00:36:35,621 --> 00:36:39,461
Who told you this were a democracy?
I want him and all.
577
00:36:39,541 --> 00:36:43,141
-Why?
-Reminds me of little Bobby Davro.
578
00:36:43,221 --> 00:36:45,181
Bobby only has to smile to get me wet.
579
00:36:54,061 --> 00:36:57,981
You must have savings or money
put aside for you by the family?
580
00:36:58,061 --> 00:37:01,181
Nope, every penny I've got
went on buying the fittings back.
581
00:37:01,261 --> 00:37:03,380
My fittings, my shop.
582
00:37:04,581 --> 00:37:07,860
All that matters is, I'm going to do it.
583
00:37:07,941 --> 00:37:11,541
Well, determination for its own sake
can be very admirable, but...
584
00:37:11,621 --> 00:37:17,061
Like that Japanese guy who kept fighting
World War II in, like, 1976 or summat.
585
00:37:19,061 --> 00:37:23,501
What? It finished in... ages before that.
586
00:37:23,581 --> 00:37:25,261
[phone beeping]
587
00:37:29,181 --> 00:37:32,061
It's my cousin. Wants to know the plan.
588
00:37:32,141 --> 00:37:33,541
What is the plan?
589
00:37:34,621 --> 00:37:37,300
That failure is not an option.
590
00:37:37,380 --> 00:37:38,661
I could have a word, you know?
591
00:37:38,741 --> 00:37:41,741
No, I mean, I could have a word
with the family, about money.
592
00:37:41,820 --> 00:37:43,820
Your cousin could come if he's worried.
593
00:37:47,541 --> 00:37:49,380
You never gave a toss
about the shop in the past,
594
00:37:49,461 --> 00:37:52,300
so why would we believe that you do now?
595
00:37:52,380 --> 00:37:54,581
Things are different now.
596
00:37:54,661 --> 00:37:56,501
I'm different.
597
00:37:56,581 --> 00:38:00,581
What I need and what I don't,
all different.
598
00:38:00,661 --> 00:38:02,340
We've got a pub to run.
599
00:38:02,421 --> 00:38:04,901
I could get that place back in profit
in three months.
600
00:38:04,981 --> 00:38:06,181
How?
601
00:38:06,261 --> 00:38:10,941
I'll stay open day and night,
work my fingers to the bone.
602
00:38:11,021 --> 00:38:13,061
I won't take a wage till we're in profit.
603
00:38:13,141 --> 00:38:17,061
You'd have access to the books 24/7,
and if he fucks up...
604
00:38:17,141 --> 00:38:20,380
I won't... fuck up.
605
00:38:20,461 --> 00:38:22,701
All right. One condition.
606
00:38:23,981 --> 00:38:27,141
You call it Paddy's Market after my dad.
607
00:38:28,261 --> 00:38:31,380
No. It's my shop.
608
00:38:31,461 --> 00:38:35,421
I'm in there in the bricks and the mortar,
and you're not, and neither is your dad.
609
00:38:35,501 --> 00:38:37,661
Come on. What's in a name?
610
00:38:37,741 --> 00:38:41,741
You're a Maguire.
Would you let anyone take that away?
611
00:38:56,221 --> 00:38:57,741
[phone beeps]
612
00:39:12,221 --> 00:39:14,461
[beatboxes]
613
00:39:16,421 --> 00:39:20,101
-What the fuck are you doing?
-My own little routine, mate.
614
00:39:20,181 --> 00:39:22,181
Oh, shit, yeah. How did it go?
615
00:39:24,501 --> 00:39:25,741
I don't need 'em.
616
00:39:25,820 --> 00:39:27,860
Yeah, you're right, mate.
Do it all on your own.
617
00:39:27,941 --> 00:39:32,221
Mortgage, gas, leccy,
council tax, VAT, no credit.
618
00:39:32,300 --> 00:39:35,181
All that shit'd get a lesser man down,
mate, but not you.
619
00:39:35,261 --> 00:39:37,541
You're a fucking superhero.
620
00:39:37,621 --> 00:39:39,661
Do Asian people have superheroes
621
00:39:39,741 --> 00:39:42,181
or is it just gods
with loads of arms and stuff?
622
00:39:42,261 --> 00:39:45,300
That's Hindu. I'm Muslim. Duh!
623
00:39:45,380 --> 00:39:49,701
Fuck off! Hindus are only
in fucking comics and that.
624
00:39:49,780 --> 00:39:51,221
I've got work, mate.
625
00:39:51,300 --> 00:39:53,061
[Billy continues beatboxing]
626
00:39:55,181 --> 00:39:58,541
I've never seen one with a bend like that.
Is it 90 degrees?
627
00:39:58,621 --> 00:40:01,061
It varies. Acute and obtuse.
628
00:40:01,141 --> 00:40:04,741
Can fuck round corners.
That's got to be an advantage.
629
00:40:04,820 --> 00:40:08,261
Kelly's right.
No substitute for experience.
630
00:40:08,340 --> 00:40:09,820
Ruby has got a point, though.
631
00:40:09,901 --> 00:40:13,181
Gudrun has got all the enthusiasm
of a beginner.
632
00:40:13,261 --> 00:40:14,701
Amongst other advantages.
633
00:40:14,780 --> 00:40:16,421
-Hindenburg.
-Bless you.
634
00:40:16,501 --> 00:40:18,581
She does make me laugh, that Ruby.
635
00:40:18,661 --> 00:40:21,661
I can't understand a word she says,
but I just smile and nod.
636
00:40:21,741 --> 00:40:24,021
I thought at least one of them
would be here for induction.
637
00:40:24,101 --> 00:40:25,981
I've sent 'em out.
638
00:40:26,061 --> 00:40:27,901
Medical's my bag.
639
00:40:27,981 --> 00:40:30,541
Speaking of which, would you bend over?
640
00:40:34,061 --> 00:40:35,461
[squelch]
641
00:40:40,621 --> 00:40:42,741
I have to admit...
642
00:40:42,820 --> 00:40:47,101
some of your young and virile team
were... fucking knockout.
643
00:40:49,181 --> 00:40:53,981
I can see why punters keep returning
to some of your more experienced heads.
644
00:40:56,860 --> 00:41:00,860
Doesn't poverty make people do kinky shit?
645
00:41:11,860 --> 00:41:13,941
There's been an offer made on the shop.
646
00:41:14,021 --> 00:41:15,021
Shit.
647
00:41:16,981 --> 00:41:17,901
[sighs]
648
00:41:17,981 --> 00:41:21,221
A bit of luck, I could have
made something of this place.
649
00:41:22,501 --> 00:41:25,021
-I'm sorry.
-Nah.
650
00:41:25,101 --> 00:41:26,581
I'll grab my stuff.
651
00:41:26,661 --> 00:41:29,261
I turned the offer down.
652
00:41:29,340 --> 00:41:30,701
[gasps]
653
00:41:32,221 --> 00:41:35,300
We'll have the deeds
transferred first thing tomorrow.
654
00:41:35,380 --> 00:41:37,061
Grandad'll fuckin' kill you.
655
00:41:37,141 --> 00:41:38,581
Don't let me down, Ches.
656
00:41:40,780 --> 00:41:43,581
I will not let you down.
No way will I let you down.
657
00:41:43,661 --> 00:41:46,021
Thank you so fucking much.
658
00:41:46,101 --> 00:41:48,340
Hey! Love-in?
659
00:41:48,421 --> 00:41:49,780
I'm sorry to interrupt.
660
00:41:49,860 --> 00:41:52,101
So you're going to try
and make a go of this place?
661
00:41:53,261 --> 00:41:55,380
-Yeah.
-Well, in that case,
662
00:41:55,461 --> 00:41:56,581
you're going to need these.
663
00:41:56,661 --> 00:41:59,541
-For?
-Them.
664
00:41:59,621 --> 00:42:02,421
-[Karen] We've gone with magnolia.
-You're all right with magnolia?
665
00:42:02,501 --> 00:42:03,901
They only had magnolia.
666
00:42:03,981 --> 00:42:06,380
I like magnolia. I love magnolia.
667
00:42:06,461 --> 00:42:08,581
Could do with a few more rollers
and brushes.
668
00:42:08,661 --> 00:42:10,941
Jamie, go on. Some in our loft.
669
00:42:11,021 --> 00:42:12,261
I'll give you a hand.
670
00:42:18,661 --> 00:42:21,061
[Mimi] No need to stand on ceremony.
671
00:42:21,141 --> 00:42:24,741
I've checked on the internet,
and this is all kosher.
672
00:42:24,820 --> 00:42:28,181
-That's Jewish, Mimi.
-Lamb's Jewish?
673
00:42:28,261 --> 00:42:29,541
Kosher's Jewish.
674
00:42:29,621 --> 00:42:31,901
-[Mimi] Then what's lamb?
-New Zealand?
675
00:42:31,981 --> 00:42:33,261
Thought they were Welsh.
676
00:42:34,300 --> 00:42:36,021
Look, can I ask what this is all about?
677
00:42:36,101 --> 00:42:39,261
Never thought I'd hear myself say this,
Ches, but you impressed me here, mate.
678
00:42:39,340 --> 00:42:42,181
You showed commitment. Can't buy that.
679
00:42:42,261 --> 00:42:45,141
Fuck knows we've tried. Turnip?
680
00:42:45,221 --> 00:42:48,300
[Jamie] We want to help you
get back on your feet, mate.
681
00:42:48,380 --> 00:42:50,661
-Go on.
-Mam?
682
00:42:52,501 --> 00:42:54,581
We sell dope from your place,
683
00:42:54,661 --> 00:42:58,340
maybe a bit of coke,
and the money goes through the till.
684
00:42:58,421 --> 00:42:59,261
Laundering?
685
00:42:59,340 --> 00:43:03,501
We stay silent partners.
Take ten percent of your profits.
686
00:43:03,581 --> 00:43:07,061
And discount at the till. A little one.
687
00:43:07,141 --> 00:43:08,661
What's the catch?
688
00:43:08,741 --> 00:43:10,461
There isn't one.
689
00:43:10,541 --> 00:43:12,421
You've got no family around here, Ches.
690
00:43:12,501 --> 00:43:14,901
So, from now on, you're one of us.
691
00:43:16,021 --> 00:43:17,181
An honorary Maguire.
692
00:43:18,380 --> 00:43:21,300
And that offer's not extended to many.
693
00:43:21,380 --> 00:43:23,221
So, are you in?
694
00:43:24,261 --> 00:43:26,981
Too fucking right.
695
00:43:27,061 --> 00:43:29,061
Welcome to the clan.
696
00:43:29,141 --> 00:43:30,860
-[Karen] Cheers.
-[Mimi] Cheers.
697
00:43:46,501 --> 00:43:49,300
[distorted voice] I suppose
you're pleased with yourself?
698
00:43:51,741 --> 00:43:52,741
Yeah.
699
00:43:52,820 --> 00:43:55,421
I always knew you had it in you.
700
00:43:55,501 --> 00:43:59,900
No, you didn't. But I did.
701
00:43:59,981 --> 00:44:03,541
That makes no sense.
I'm a figment of your imagination.
702
00:44:03,621 --> 00:44:06,421
I'm after a better quality
of hallucination.
703
00:44:08,501 --> 00:44:10,380
[giggles]
704
00:44:12,900 --> 00:44:14,221
All right?
705
00:44:14,300 --> 00:44:16,541
I'll put a curse on you!
706
00:44:19,300 --> 00:44:20,661
[giggles]
707
00:44:23,621 --> 00:44:25,581
[calm version of "Hey Ya!" playing]
708
00:44:26,860 --> 00:44:28,340
[Chesney] On reflection,
709
00:44:28,421 --> 00:44:30,900
I don't believe there is a light
at the end of the tunnel.
710
00:44:30,981 --> 00:44:32,780
No voice telling you to go back.
711
00:44:34,221 --> 00:44:36,141
Once your number's up, it's up.
712
00:44:36,221 --> 00:44:37,581
[knocking]
713
00:44:43,421 --> 00:44:45,380
So, take a good look around.
714
00:44:46,860 --> 00:44:49,501
Like what you see? Great, enjoy.
715
00:44:51,221 --> 00:44:54,820
But if you don't, move on and move on now.
716
00:44:56,261 --> 00:44:58,661
-No use settling for second best.
-[music stops playing]
717
00:44:58,741 --> 00:45:00,300
This ain't no rehearsal.
718
00:45:00,380 --> 00:45:02,340
[instrumental music]
719
00:45:02,421 --> 00:45:03,981
This is the real deal.
720
00:45:19,300 --> 00:45:21,701
-Where are you off to?
-The less I tell you, the better.
721
00:45:21,780 --> 00:45:24,061
It's a big job. I want you
to know these things, that's all.
722
00:45:24,141 --> 00:45:27,300
All right, strictly 30 minutes.
We only take what we can carry.
723
00:45:27,380 --> 00:45:28,581
No more than 11 rolls a man.
724
00:45:28,661 --> 00:45:31,461
He didn't come home last night.
Maybe he's seeing someone.
725
00:45:31,541 --> 00:45:33,581
-[Letitia] Stop sticking your tits out.
-I'm not.
726
00:45:33,661 --> 00:45:36,501
-Manchester's next gift to the world.
-[Billy] I've got a semi here, me.
727
00:45:36,581 --> 00:45:38,340
-Is that a penis?
-Somebody's doctored it.
728
00:45:38,421 --> 00:45:42,661
They're all missing. All of them. So if
he hasn't told you, then we are fucked.
729
00:45:42,741 --> 00:45:43,741
Oh!
730
00:45:43,820 --> 00:45:45,380
[theme music]
731
00:46:23,820 --> 00:46:25,741
It's my bike. I'm the bloke, clearly.
732
00:46:25,820 --> 00:46:27,780
Winslet in front, DiCaprio behind.
733
00:46:27,860 --> 00:46:28,900
[Shane sighs]
734
00:46:28,981 --> 00:46:31,941
-I'm the bloke.
-Fuck off! I am the bloke.
735
00:46:32,021 --> 00:46:33,621
How the fuck are you the bloke?
736
00:46:33,701 --> 00:46:35,261
[laughter]
737
00:46:35,340 --> 00:46:37,541
-Hold on, Ches!
-Yeah!
738
00:46:37,621 --> 00:46:38,541
[laughter]
739
00:46:38,621 --> 00:46:42,941
-[Chesney] I am the bloke!
-[Shane] Fuck off! I'm the bloke!
84391
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