Original subtitles

Well, you're gonna have this baby any day now.

No, Larry, I've been pregnant so long

that this baby is gonna go

(GIGGLING)

Oh, I feel a funny inside.

I think I'm having my baby. Oh.

You can't be having your baby. I-I'm due before you are.

It's my turn.

Guys, the most amazing thing just happened.

Mary Anne had the baby in the car.

-What? -Balki, you have a son.

I need to know everything Mary Anne did

leading up to the birth of little Robespierre Boinki.

We went for a helium balloon ride.

And then she wanted a corn dog, which I really don't understand.

'Cause it's not corn and it's not a dog, what is it?

It makes perfect sense.

she went into labor.

I know you're not gonna like this

but I absolutely forbid you to go up in a balloon.

Now, is-is that gonna be a problem, sweetheart?

Absolutely.

Obvious to anyone with a brain.

-It is this one. -No, I was in the basket.

I know it.

-Well, now you've done it. -Well, now you've done it.

-Now, we can't get back down! -Now, we can't get back down!

BALKI: I can't get back. I don't know how it works.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* And a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* Oo-oh

* It's my life my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

Larry, we're going up too fast. I'm feeling strange.

No, it's okay. It's okay, Jennifer.

Everything is gonna be okay.

Well, I hope you're happy.

thanks to you.

Cousin, this is no time to place blame.

Sure, we're no longer tethered to Mother Earth

but we're-we're communing with Father Sky

and all his airy children, the wind

the clouds, that plane!

Duck!

Just kidding. But see what fun you can have up here?

Yee-yee-yay!

Balki, don't do that to me again.

Come on, cousin. Come on. Loosen up. Loosen up.

Have fun with it. Have fun with it.

Feel the wind whooshing up your pant leg and out your arm.

Whoosh! Whee! Whoosh! Whee!

-Whoosh! Whee. -All right, stop it. Stop.

May I interrupt this stimulating discussion to say something?

Yes. Sure. Tell Balki he's an idiot.

-I'm in labor. -You see? She agrees with me.

You're in labor.

-What? -I'm in labor.

Oh, oh, oh, my Lord.

Are-are you saying that you're in labor?

I'm saying I'm having a contraction, now.

Oh. Ow. Okay, you're hurting me.

You're hurting me. Ow. Ow, ow, ow.

Well, toss my greens and call me Caesar.

Jennifer?

Jennifer, our theory was correct.

Going up in the balloon is what made Mary Anne go into labor.

I mean, do you realize what this means?

Expectant mothers everywhere will thank us.

We've given a great gift to humanity.

Yeah, yeah humanity, right, okay.

Listen, Jennifer, do-do you think that... Watch it.

Do-do you think this could be another false alarm?

No, this is no false alarm, Larry.

Well, all right, then we still have plenty of time.

your next contraction.

Oh, God. Another one's starting.

All right, okay, all right, I was wrong about that but

Jen, Jen, shouldn't you be doing your Lamaze breathing

in-instead of trying to hurt me?

Larry, I never planned on doing the breathing.

I planned on having painkillers.

Lots of them.

The only reason I was in that stupid class was

because it was the only place I could be

Larry, I don't want to have this baby in a balloon.

Jennifer, Jennifer, you're not going to

have this baby in a balloon.

-I won't? -Well, of course not.

Don't be ridiculous.

You're going to have this baby in a flimsy wicker basket

suspended from a balloon.

One with lots of patches in it, I might add.

Do not help. Do not help.

Thank you very much. Okay, Jen? Jen?

We're just gonna relax and-and why don't we

uh, try to think of some funny stories?

Oh. Oh. I got one. I got one.

Okay, don't help. Don't help. Don't help. Do not help.

-Do not help. -I want to tell the story.

All right, all right, stop it.

You still wanna hear it? Okay.

Um, oh, did I mention that the pig could talk?

I can't do the piggy little accent

but anyway he's all trussed up in this--

Balki, my wife is having a baby!

Well, you've known that for months.

No, I mean she is having a baby now in-in this balloon.

And I haven't the foggiest idea what to do.

Oh, is that what all this mishi gastiki is about?

Cousin, chill out.

I know something about birthin' babies.

-You do, Balki? -Why, sure.

I've delivered my share of babies and livestock.

If you were gonna deliver a sheep

I could do that blindfolded.

As a matter of fact, that's how we do it back home.

You really don't wanna look.

a thing, a bib that comes from here down to your toes--

Okay, that's it. That's it.

You're going over the side.

Cousin. Oh. Oh. Oh!

Larry, something's wrong. We're going up again.

Found the problem.

I know why we're going up again.

Eh, uh, the-the sandbag has a leak.

Larry, we're going up too high. We're gonna run out of oxygen.

-Oh, no we won't. -We won't?

No.

Long before we run out of oxygen

the atmosphere will replace the helium in the balloon

and the balloon will explode

and the-the rest will just upset you.

All right, all right. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it!

All right, now two things have gotta happen here.

Number one, Balki has got to shut up.

And number two, someone's gotta go over the side

and repair the sandbag.

Okay, let's see Jennifer, you're in labor.

Good luck, buddy.

Cousin, I think I can help with part one of your plan.

I can shut up.

I think.

It, let's see, uh, nope. Nope. Not gonna happen.

-Can somebody please go? -Oh, sweetheart...

Okay, okay, I'll-I'll go. But not because you asked me.

For Jennifer. I'm gonna do it for Jennifer.

well, without his balloon Howard the balloon man

is just Howard the man.

Okay, okay, keep breathing. Keep breathing. Good. Good.

All right, all right, and your contraction

should be ending soon. Yes?

Okay, cleansing breath.

Okay, all right. You're doing beautifully, Jen.

You're doing beautifully.

Balki, how you doing?

Uh, good, cousin.

and I've stopped the flow of sand with my handkerchief.

But when I pulled my handkerchief out of my pocket

all the change in my pocket fell out

but there's not a whole lot to spend it on up here.

(LAUGHS)

Where do I come up with them?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Don't worry about me.

I'm not.

Okay, Jen, just-just try to relax

until your next contraction.

It's amazing, Larry.

And I'm gonna be with you every breath of the way.

Cousin? Cousin?

Balki, I can't talk to you right now.

Well, uh, it's now or never.

'We're about to drop a hundred and seventy-one'

'and a half pounds of counterweight.'

Are we losing another sandbag?

No, but we're losing a Balki.

My arches have fallen and I can't get up.

Where do I come up with them?

Oh, oh, oh, he's right.

We're losing him.

Uh, okay, uh, Balki, I'm coming.

No! No! No, Larry. Please, don't leave me. I'm afraid.

I don't want to have this baby alone.

Breathe. Breathe.

Not you. Not you. I can't breathe.

All right, listen, sweetheart, I-I know that-this is, this is

just a really bad time

but Balki is about to plunge

hundreds of feet to his death.

And I-I just thought that I ought to go and-and help him.

Now, I'll-I'll be back before your next contraction.

Cousin! Cousin!

I don't mean to rush you but I'm hanging on by my toes.

-Go get him. -Okay, all right, all right.

All right, all right, sweetheart, you have to let go now.

You're gonna have to let go. Yes, you are.

Just, here grab the blanket. Grab the blanket.

Okay, I'm gonna help you here. I'm gonna help you.

Here we go. There we go.

Hang on. Hang on.

All right, Balki?

Balki, here, just-just grab my hand

and I'll, and I'll pull you up.

Yeah, whoa!

Larry? Larry?

LARRY: We're fine. We're fine.

Nice catch.

Well, I-I do try.

You know, cousin, all things considered

I think things are going rather well.

Going rather well?

Balki, I am hanging hundreds of feet in the air by my hair

my wife is in labor and my, and my watch just fell off.

Well, you know what they say, cousin

"Time flies when you're upside down."

(LAUGHS)

Where do I come up with them?

Larry, I need you.

Jen, I'd really like to be with you right now

but I-I think you're gonna have to go on without me

I-I-I just can't get there.

-Cousin? -Yeah?

Uh, I-I didn't have time to wash my hair

and I'm afraid you might slip. Here.

(GRUNTING)

-Cousin, look over there. -Oh! Balki. Balki.

Don't let go of me again.

But-but I'm just trying to show you

I'm just trying to point out

I can't see any reason for it.

hanging from a balloon.

Where? Where?

(HELICOPTER ENGINE WHIRRING)

Oh, cousin, look. Look!

It's-it's-it's a helicopter.

Larry, what's going on?

Jen, there's... There's a police helicopter.

It's on its way.

We're-we're about to be rescued.

Well, tell them to hurry.

Oh, Larry, I've changed my mind.

I don't wanna do this.

That's no police helicopter.

That's-that's Captain Fred.

The Channel 8 Eye in the Sky.

Hey! Hey!

Captain Fred!

I watch you every night on, on television

and I never thought I'd live to be face to chopper with you.

Hang on, folks. Help is on the way!

In the meantime, smile! You're on the evening news!

This is so exciting.

Captain Fred?

Captain?

Cousin Larry Appleton and in the basket we have

Cousin Larry's lovely wife, Jennifer.

Wave, Jennifer!

Jen, looks like things are working out for the best.

Remember we talked about videotaping the birth?

Well, uh, it's-it's being done by professionals.

Yeah, Jennifer, Captain Fred is the best.

What the man does with perspective is amazing.

The man paints with videotape.

Jen, how you doin'?

Jen?

(BABY CRYING)

JENNIFER: I'm fine, Larry! And so is our son!

Balki, I have a son.

Cousin, now we are so happy, we do the dance of joy.

* Di di di di da-da di da *

-Hey! -Hey!

-Hey! -Hey!

MAN: (ON TV) And so tonight, Chicago's population grew

by one tiny baby who made his entrance into the world

in a way his parents won't soon forget.

This is Ken Wiley wishing you and yours a good evening.

I don't know about you but I never get tired

of watching that tape, do you?

No, No, love it.

The miracle of my wife giving birth to my son

hundreds of feet in the air.

Yeah.

My favorite part was when Captain Fred let me go

up into the helicopter and help him with the traffic report.

Oh, yeah.

It reminded me of the time that Uncle Stavros

let me help him with the traffic report on Mypos.

We packed a lunch and climbed up into that gingko tree and...

...waited for the mule to pass by.

He never came.

Who knew the mule was dead?

(BABY CRYING)

Shush.

These little guys told us they wanted to spend some time

with their daddies while we cook dinner.

Well, they didn't actually talk.

Rational thought process occurs in the sixth month.

Verbal skills follow in the ninth or tenth.

I heard that on Sesame Street.

Well, why don't we go start dinner?

Well, Jen, are you sure you feel up to it?

I mean, shouldn't you be resting?

Larry, I'm fine.

he was worth everything I went through.

Balki and I talked it over and we want to have

six or eight more kids.

How about you and Larry?

We're getting a dog.

Well, what do you say we spend some quality time with our sons?

Yeah.

Hey. Piggy-wikki.

(BABY COOING)

Hey, cousin, this might be a good time

to teach little Robespierre the Itsy Bitsy Scorpion.

Itsy Bitsy Scorpion? What's that?

-What is that? -Yeah, what is that?

It's a classic Myposian nursery rhyme

that teaches valuable life lessons.

Well, then, why don't ya teach it to little Tucker as well?

I would be proud to.

* I bashed his little head in and threw him in the dirt

* When his legs stopped wiggling I dropped him in my stew

* 'Cause I like crunchy insects

* With pincers on, don't you?

* Itsy bitsy stingray swam up inside my shorts... *

Okay, okay, all right.

I'll be in charge of nursery rhymes from now on.

Well, boy, here we are

a couple of daddies.

We've come a long way together, huh?

(SIGHS) Cousin...

...when I came to America six years ago

I came looking for my cousin.

I never imagined I would find

the best friend that anybody ever had.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

* Unforgettable

* That's what you are

* Unforgettable

* Though near or far

* Like a song of love

* That clings to me

* How the thought of you

* Does things to me

* Never before

* Has someone

* Been more

* Unforgettable

* In every way

* And forever more

* That's how you'll stay

* That's why darling

* It's incredible

* That someone

* So unforgettable

* Thinks that I am

* Unforgettable too *

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

* Unforgettable

* In every way

* And forever more

* That's how you'll stay

* That's why darling

* It's incredible

* That someone

* So unforgettable

* Thinks that I am

* Unforgettable too *

You know, Balki...

...if I had it to do all over again...

...I wouldn't change a thing.

Me, neither.

What have you two been up to?

Oh, just a little reminiscing.

Who would have thought six years ago

that we'd be holding the next generation

of Appletons and Bartokomouses?

Won't it be wonderful to watch them grow up?

Yes, it will.

Balki, you think our families will always be as close

as we are right now?

Well, of course we will. Don't be ridiculous.

Mary Anne and I aren't planning to move for

years and years to come and

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

let's welcome the stars of Perfect Strangers.

Rebeca Arthur.

Melanie Wilson.

Mark Linn-Baker.

And Bronson Pinchot.

Ladies and gentlemen

a hand please for the cast and crew

of Perfect Strangers.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Thank you all for being with us.

Goodnight.