Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* And a long lost friend

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* Oo-oh

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Hi, Jen, I'm home.

I'm sorry I'm late. The traffic was terrible.

Larry...

Oh! Oh, sweetheart.

Sweetheart, I am, I am so sorry.

Oh, I didn't see you there.

No, I mean, not that you're, not that you're too big to miss.

No, just, no, I didn't mean I...

And I'll, I'll stop talking now.

Is there, is there anything I can do for you, precious?

Yes, have this baby.

I do. Really.

No, Larry, I've been pregnant so long

Well, at least we'll miss the toilet training.

* Boochi boochi boochi *

(GASPS)

* Boochi boochi boochi *

BOTH: * Boochi boochi boochi *

All right, it hasn't escaped our notice

that some people in this house

...have been a little less than jolly.

But we have just the way to turn them frowns upside down.

We're going to a place that's big and colorful

where barnyard animals roam freely.

No, it's not my bedroom.

(LAUGHS)

Where do I come up with them?

We're going to the fair.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Whee!

Oh!

in the jams and jellies contest.

Come on, you guys, you want to be the first in line at the petting zoo,

because later in the afternoon the animals get so cranky.

So, come on, come on, come on...

Are you crazy?

We are not going to the fair.

waddling around the fairgrounds.

She can barely waddle around here.

Now, I mean, just look at her.

I think they get the picture, Larry.

The fair is out of the question.

We'll just sort of golf around her. Just...

Balki.

Balki, take a hike.

Okay, a hike.

than the fair.

Get out.

Well, excuse us for trying to bring

a little bit of joy into your lives.

Come on, Mary Anne, let's forget this whole ugly incident

at the Square Dance Pavilion.

(SIGHING)

Larry, I'm a little hungry.

Sure.

Maybe some... Fresh fruit,

a, a tossed salad, some cheese,

a pot roast with those little round potatoes...

Oh, wait a minute, what am I thinking?

Um, forget the little potatoes.

(JENNIFER EXHALING)

Sweetheart, uh, if you're going to

practice your Lamaze breathing, remember,

you have to start with a cleansing breath.

(INHALES AND EXHALES)

Hmm?

Come on, try it with me now.

Larry, honey... I'm not practicing.

I'm having the baby. What? What?

We have to go to the hospital.

Okay, good, good. You write them the note.

Where are the keys? All right, no. Where's the Maalox?

Huh? No, where's my jacket?

Where is your suitcase?

(BLABBERING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Jen, we have to talk.

Now, in the last week we have gone to the hospital

numerous times, and you know how it goes, it's always the same.

You tell me you're in labor, I have a mini-breakdown.

Somehow we get out the door, I drive on the sidewalk,

we get to the hospital and we find out

it is false labor, false labor, Jen.

And then we come home, and then I have to go back to the hospital

and have my blood pressure lowered.

Now, I only have one trip left in me, Jen.

If we're going to do this, I have to know

that this is the real thing.

This is the real thing, Larry.

We have to go to the hospital.

We have to go now.

Okay, okay, all right, all right.

All right, just, just so long as you know

what you're getting yourself into.

Okay, all right. Here we go!

All right, okay, I'll get the car.

All right, where's my keys? All right, no.

Where the Maalox? Huh. Where's my jacket?

No, where's the suitcase?

All right. Let's go. Come on. Let's go.

Let's go. All right, here we go.

(PANTING) I'm breathing too fast.

Whoop. (YELPS)

* Who's got the pain When they do the mambo

* Who's got the pain When they go hoo

* Who's got the pain When they do the mambo

* I don't know who do you

* Someone must be sick With the heat

* Or stepping On everyone's feet

* But if everyone's Feeling okay

* Why don't they just say ole *

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

Oh, Balki, I'm sorry your boysenberry

pig gut preserves didn't win first prize.

Well, that's okay, I guess they just hated my guts.

Where do I come up with them?

Thank you for winning Bobo for me.

I just love him. He's so cute.

And I love you, too, Mary Anne.

And remember, only you can prevent forest fires.

(GIGGLES)

Okay.

Okay, Bobo, take a break.

(BOTH SIGHING)

Oh, Balki, look a note.

Gee, I wonder who it could be from.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Mary Anne.

See, it's on my stationery.

BOTH: Hmm...

It's from Jennifer! It is from Jennifer!

Uh, no, no, no, we have to go to the florist.

We have to go to the florist

BOTH: Oh...

Congratulations! Oh, congratulations!

We're home.

And, and you're home in only one day. What stamina.

You must be part Myposian.

Oh, Jennifer, I'm so happy for you.

I think I'm gonna cry.

Jennifer didn't have the baby.

Well, that would explain why she's still so huge.

You didn't have the baby?

It was another false alarm.

BOTH: Oh.

I hyperventilated, drove on the sidewalk.

Jennifer yelled, screamed, pulled the nurse's hair...

You know, the usual.

(LAUGHING)

Mary Anne, please, there's nothing funny

about what I'm going through.

(GIGGLING)

(GIGGLING)

Oh, I know what it is.

in the Fun House mirror.

No, but that's funny, too.

(GIGGLING)

Oh, I feel all funny inside.

Really?

Yes. Oh.

You can't be having your baby.

I'm due before you are. It's my turn.

Oh, uh, well, listen, um, uh, Mary Anne, this is, this is

kind of a touchy subject with Jennifer right now.

Is there any way that, that you could just

hold off, on hold on having that baby?

(GIGGLING)

I don't think so, Larry. Oh, boy.

Okay, now listen everyone. Listen, listen, listen. Here's the plan.

Now, uh, Jennifer, would you please walk

Mary Anne to the car?

And, um, I'll call the doctor and tell him to meet us

at the hospital, and Cousin Larry,

you get the pig snout pacifier.

All right, go.

Oh.

Mary Anne, you're gonna hear a lot of ugly things

about my behavior at the hospital today.

Unfortunately, it's all true.

Yes, hello. Uh, this is Balki Bartokomous.

My wife, Mary Anne Bartokomous, is on her way to the hospital.

She is in labor.

Would you... Yes, I'll hold.

Oh, yes, hello. Ah, uh, yes.

And would you please tell Dr. Ives

that we are on our way to the hospital

and would he please meet us there?

Okay, thank you.

Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Are you, are you okay?

All right, thank you very much. Bye-bye.

Boy, you are gone.

Well, I will be in just a second.

I am in control.

You're in the midst of a major breakdown.

What? And you're in denial.

No, I'm not. See?

Oh, my God, you're right. What am I denying?

All right, you are facing one of the most

important moments of your adult life

and you are starting to realize

that millions of things can go wrong.

What can go wrong? Well, just getting to the hospital.

What if you run out of gas?

What if you get stuck in a traffic jam?

What if the transmission falls out?

What if I hit a cow and then I have to bury it

and comfort the other cows?

That's right, that's right.

Just let it happen. Go ahead.

She ran out in front of my car.

She was, she was chasing a salt lick.

and the next, ground chuck.

That's good. That's good.

Guys, the most amazing thing just happened.

Mary Anne had the baby in the car.

Did you hear that, cousin?

I have a son.

Well, congratulations.

Well, come on, we've gotta get 'em both to the hospital.

Yeah, but, but what if something goes wrong?

What if, uh, what if, uh, I run out of gas

or, or the transmission on my car falls out or I hit another cow?

The other cows know about me now.

Okay, Balki, Balki, Balki.

Just get a hold of yourself.

Okay, let's go. (CHUCKLES) Okay.

Balki, I've been going over this and over this.

There has to be something different

that Mary Anne did that made her go into labor so early.

I've got to find out what it was and do it.

I've got to have this baby now.

Well, Jennifer, no one wants you to have this baby more than I do,

but I don't think anything Mary Anne did had anything to do

with her going into labor.

Maybe you're right, sweetheart.

And cut it into little tiny squares like I like it?

Well, of course, honey.

Anything for my little mother-to-be.

LARRY: My little mother-to-be.

Balki, tell me everything Mary Anne did yesterday

up until she went into labor.

Okay, but first I have a really important question for you.

Is this the cutest nose you've ever seen in your life or what?

It's adorable.

Balki, what did Mary Anne do yesterday?

She had my child.

Little Robespierre Boinki Bartokomous...

AKA...

BOTH: The cutest baby in the world.

Oh-ho-ho.

I've taken a photograph of him every hour for the last two days,

and I've just realized if I flip them real fast

you can see him grow.

Baby's first steps. Oh, okay, okay, okay.

Balki, I need to know everything Mary Anne did

leading up to the birth of little Robespierre Boinki.

Well, let's see, uh, she didn't do much of anything

until we went to the fair.

Mary Anne spent $36 at the coin toss

and she won a mustache comb which...

...which she gave to the Bearded Lady

'cause she's such a giving soul.

And all that time, unbeknownst to us

Little Robespierre Boinki was planning

to make his little entrance into the world.

(LAUGHS) Look at those cheeks.

Don't you just wanna pinch them?

I wanna have my own little baby

with little cheeks to pinch.

I wanna have 48 pictures

of my own baby.

Forty-nine if you count the double exposure.

Balki, you could help me have this baby.

Huh?

have a little cousin to play with.

After the coin toss

we went for a helium balloon ride

and then she wanted a corn dog, which I really don't understand.

'Cause it's not corn and it's not a dog, what is it?

Jennifer, are you still trying to figure out

what Mary Anne did?

Because I don't... Balloon ride.

It makes perfect sense.

she went into labor.

Well, that is ridiculous.

A balloon ride couldn't possibly have made

Mary Anne go into labor.

Cousin, it makes perfect sense.

We have a birth on every shuttle.

Of course, they only go up as far as we can throw them,

but still the principle is exactly the same.

Wait a minute... Come on, we'll put them in a crib

Hey. Hey. Now, hold it, hold it, hold it.

What, are, are you two out of your minds?

I am not gonna let my wife float hundreds of feet

in the air, in a, in a balloon.

Cousin, it's not hundreds of feet.

and there's rope holding it to the ground.

You know, I bet, I bet we could see the hospital from it.

Maybe, maybe I could ask Mary Anne to take a picture

of me from little Robespierre Boinki's point of view.

Come on, Larry, we have to get to the fair.

(STAMMERING) Now, sweetheart, listen.

I know you are not gonna to like this

but I absolutely forbid you to go up in a balloon.

Now, is that gonna be a problem, sweetheart?

What do you think?

I think we're going for a balloon ride.

You see the eyelashes?

Will you guys please hurry up?

We're coming, sweetheart.

I don't believe this. The balloon is closed.

Uh-oh, looks like Howard took the day off.

JENNIFER: Who's Howard?

Well, he runs the balloon ride.

He's also a wine connoisseur, philosopher,

and his thumbs are double-jointed.

They bend all the way back.

Mine won't reach.

Sure they will. (EXCLAIMS)

Okay. Now let's just forget Howard. Let's go.

I'm not leaving here until I've gone up in this balloon.

Now where do we find this Howard person?

Sweetheart, we are in no condition to be

running all over Chicago looking for some clown named Howard.

Excuse me, cousin, Howard is not the clown.

Arthur is the clown.

Arthur? Arthur? Thank you, thank you.

Look, look, cousin. See? (LAUGHS)

Here's what we're gonna do.

and just be here bright and early tomorrow morning.

Exactly what I'd suggest. Thank you.

If today didn't happen to be the last day of the fair.

Oh, God, I'm never gonna have this baby.

I'm never gonna have 48 pictures.

I'm never gonna have any chubby little cheeks to pinch.

I'm just gonna have this huge stomach for the rest of my life.

I'll take you up in the balloon myself.

Oh, thank you, Balki. Yeah.

It's too late, Larry. I am way past crazy.

I'm going up in this balloon with or without you.

All right, all right. Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Balki, Balki? Are you sure you can do this?

Well, of course I am. Don't be ridiculous.

Just like the balloons we have on Mypos.

Only ours don't have any air in them

and they don't have any baskets.

We call them drop cloths.

All right, wait, wait. Let us help you in.

Here. Come on, Balki. Just, just, okay.

Here we go, here we go, here we go, sweetheart.

Here we go. All right, all right, I've got her.

Just get in and help her in the basket.

Help her in the basket now.

Here, I got you, sweetheart. I got you.

All right, all right, here we go. Here we go.

Okay, okay, Jennifer. All right, there you go.

Okay. Good, good, good.

Okay.

Good girl. Balki, help me in.

(PANTING)

All right, wait there, sweetheart, wait there, we'll help you.

(INDISTINCT MUMBLING)

All right, come on, let's just get in. Just get in.

Here we go.

Oh, Larry. Um, there... There we go.

Okay. Okay.

(PANTING)

Okay, now let's see, um, yeah, yeah.

It's all coming back to me now.

and the McNulty's were back there,

and Mary Anne was right behind me.

And, uh, yeah, this, uh, this rope,

uh, it lets you go up and that one brings you back down.

Nope, I think it's this one.

This is clearly the one.

Absolutely.

This is the one. This is the one.

Cousin, I'm kinda sure it's this one.

Kinda sure? Kinda sure?

Balki, I am positive it is this one.

No, I was in the basket. I know it.

Well, now you've done it. Well, now you've done it.

Now we can't get back down. Now we can't get back down.

Balki, get this thing back down on the ground.

BALKI: I can't get back.

I don't know how it works.

JENNIFER: Oh, my God. The wind is picking up.

We're starting to drift.

Stop it.

Balki, I'm sorry your boysenberry pig gut preserves...

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I'm really sorry it didn't win first prize.

Balki, I'm sorry your boysenberry pig gut...

...preserves didn't...

Balki, I'm sorry your boysenberry pig gut preserves...

Balki, I'm sorry your boysenberry pig gut

preserves didn't win first prize...

(BOTH LAUGHING)

We'll be right back with a word from our sponsors.

Balki, I'm sorry your boysenberry pig gut...