Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world Looks perfect

* Sometimes you just Get a feeling

* Like you need some Kind of change

* No matter what the odds Are this time

* Nothing's gonna Stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* And a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street A light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* Ooh oh ooh

* It's my life and my dream

* And nothing's going To stop me now *

Mary Anne! Mary Anne! He's almost here!

The mailman's almost here!

the letters that we've been waiting for!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

What's Balki so excited about?

Is it some, uh, Myposian holiday?

Did Mud Day sneak up on us again?

Mud Day is not until next week

Oh!

Well, uh, mail call.

Why, look at this, Mary Anne.

Oh! And...

What a completely unplanned coincidence!

Well, what would some stupid game show want with us?

Well, how would we know? Why are you staring at us?

Why are you boring holes through us

with your accusing, questioning eyes?

What, what makes you think we know?

We, we don't have a clue. Do we have a clue?

And we don't appreciate the insinuation.

Well, something tells me you're behind this, Balki.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Whatever... What-what-whatever would you say that for, cousin?

Well, the address says "Jennifer and Cousin Larry Appleton."

Well, I guess you caught us with our pants on.

Um, when Mary Anne and I found out that "The Baby Quiz" show

was looking for new contestants

we thought it would be wild, wacky, whimsical fun

for both families to be on at the same time.

So, after filling out 800 of our own applications...

We quickly scribbled out one for you.

Open yours first. The suspense is killing me!

We were accepted! Hot doggy!

Now we all can be on together!

No, we won't.

We were rejected.

Oh, Balki!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Now there, there, my little cement mixer. Don't be sad.

Now, listen.

winning application and, and had 800 of our own rejected

that's no reason to be upset.

Right?

We are very...

(STUTTERS) Happy for you.

(SOBBING)

Well, thank you, Balki, but, uh

I don't think we'll be going on "The Baby Quiz" show.

and unborn child be exploited just so that we can win

a year's supply of baby wipes.

Larry, I think it would be fun.

No! No, no!

My mind is absolutely made up.

Balki, why, why don't you take this letter

and try to go on in our place?

Cousin...

It is so generous of you to give up your chance

to win your child a college scholarship.

College scholarship?

To the school of your choice.

Well, you know, it does have our name on it

and we don't want to, uh

So, I guess, uh, we will be going on "The Baby Quiz" show.

I don't want to do this. Why do we have to do this?

Come on, Larry. It'll make 'em happy.

Hello, everybody!

to our host, Lance Edwards!

(WHISPERS) It's really Balki.

("THE BABY QUIZ" THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

Thank you.

He's wearing my suit.

And welcome to "The Baby Quiz".

The show that poses the age-old question

"Hey, you're havin' a baby and now what?"

(GUFFAWS)

All right, I'm Lance Edwards

and this is my lovely "Baby Quiz" co-hostess, Tyanna.

Kootchie-kootchie-koo. Kootchie-kootchie-koo.

Mwah! Mwah!

Oh!

All right, Tyanna, let's meet our first contestants.

Please welcome Larry and Jennifer Appleton

from Chicago, Illinois.

Jennifer is eight months pregnant

BALKI: Thank you, Tyanna.

We'll ask you questions about your pregnancy

while your spouse is secured in our soundproof booth.

Tyanna?

Later on, we'll reunite you

and we'll see how your answers compare.

The couple with the most matches wins. Isn't that something?

Tell them what they'll win, Johnny!

A trip to Mexico!

Our winning couple will fiesta and frolic

at the fabulous Corona del Corona Hideaway!

They'll swim in crystal tide pools

and enjoy sumptuous meals at the Cafeteria Corona.

All prizes non-transferable, subject to availability.

Holidays and weekends excluded and it's all for you

from "The Baby Quiz!"

Oh, no, thank you, Lance!

(LAUGHS) Wow!

All right, round one.

Each question's worth ten points.

Tyanna, has Cousin Larry Appleton

been secured in the special soundproof booth?

(LAUGHS)

All secured!

All right!

Jennifer, we'll start with you.

Jennifer, you're lovely.

I love the crazy little flip in your hair.

You and I had chatted backstage

and you'd mentioned that, uh, this has been

a particularly difficult pregnancy for you.

Is that right?

and you've developed kind of a quirky, little nervous tic.

Is that right?

Come on, let's see it.

There it is and it's adorable!

Well, you'll be happy to know the first question

has nothing to do with your crazy, quirky, little tic.

Jennifer, since you've been pregnant

which part of your body hurts the most?

Is it your upper half, or your lower half?

All right, let's bring back Cousin Larry Appleton

and see how well he knows the mother of his child.

(LAUGHS)

All right!

Your wife is lovely.

And you and I were chatting backstage earlier.

And you mentioned to me that one of your greatest fears...

Is that your unborn child might inherit

your short, stubby legs and your hammer toes.

Your hammer toes. Father had them, they're no fun.

You'll be happy to know,

your first question...

(LAUGHS)

All right!

Your first question, we asked Jennifer

"Jennifer, since you've been pregnant

"which part of your body hurts the most?

"Is it your upper half or your lower half?"

Easy question.

Definitely upper half.

Ooh! I'm sorry!

No, she said that she had leg cramps.

That'd be lower half.

Larry, I get leg cramps every night.

Where have you been the last 32 weeks?

Do we know each other? Have we met?

Hey, that's just the first question.

The next question's probably going to be something about

food cravings and, and I happen to know

you have a thing for ice cream.

Pop-Tarts. Pop-Tarts, I knew that.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Larry, this is making me nervous.

We played this game with Balki for two hours yesterday

and didn't get a single answer right.

We're gonna make fools of ourselves on television.

We are not going to make fools of ourselves on television.

Look, if we just answer the questions

the way we practiced this morning

everything will be fine.

What if they don't ask those questions?

I have a hunch they will.

How are you? (CHUCKLES)

Uh-oh! Who's got a bun in the oven, huh?

(LAUGHS)

All right.

I, I guess that would be us.

Uh, Larry and Jennifer Appleton.

Well, nice to meet you, Appletons.

(LAUGHS)

Mary Anne, it's, it's him!

It's Lance Edwards!

And you must be my other lucky contestants.

No. We applied, but we were unfortunately overlooked.

Eight hundred times.

But we have front row tickets!

Lance, I'm sorry. I just cannot keep it to myself any longer.

You are my favorite game show host!

Uh, Lance, we have a problem.

No, no, uh, the other game show contestants went into labor.

They're on their way to the hospital.

Ooh, well, that's too bad.

I guess that means, uh, we win by default.

Uh no, no. Actually, that happens all the time.

We'll just, uh, pick another couple from our studio audience.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

All right. Here's kind of a kooky thought.

How about you two?

Oh, Lance! That's a dream come true!

Lance, capture the moment. Oh, sure.

You got to advance it. Oh, all right.

All right, everybody! It's time to play...

The Baby Quiz! The Baby Quiz!

So, daddies, if you'll follow our hostess, the lovely Tyanna,

to our soundproof booth.

and then bring you back out to see how your answers compare.

(BOTH LAUGH)

All right! All right!

All right. Jen, we're prepared, we're gonna be great, right?

Right.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Tyanna. I've always wanted to meet you.

I read your book.

And I thought your layman's slant

on the Middle East was mesmerizing.

I especially liked that chapter called

"There's No Such Thing as Too Much Moisturizer."

You have no pores in your skin, do you?

Hey, cousin, can you believe it?

We got inside the booth!

It's kind of like a big fish tank, isn't it?

All right. Let's begin "The Baby Quiz."

I hope they could get a good shot of this

on the special booth camera.

Special booth camera?

Yeah, it's a special camera

and they have it focused on the booth.

It's called "The Special Booth Camera."

'Cause they love to get

Well, they are not going to get any shots of you

or me making fools of ourselves, all right?

So let's just, let's just, keep quiet.

Why we have to keep quiet? It's a soundproof booth.

Nobody can hear us.

Let's see if it works.

Mary Anne!

so far during your pregnancy?

Cousin, it really does work!

Well, I'll be my uncle's monkey!

We can say anything you want!

Mary Anne!

Okay, all right, that's enough.

Let's just, let's just keep quiet now. Okay?

Let's just be quiet and just behave ourselves.

Whoa!

Those lights are so bright

they hurting my eyes.

Studio lights have to be bright...

Don't stare into them.

Something else. There's nothing I can see.

Just look at something else.

I'm gonna look at something else?

All right. (SIGHS)

Cousin, you know what the problem is?

Those lights draw me.

They draw me. They are penetrating.

They fascinate me. I cannot stop!

I know they're frying my retinas.

But I just cannot take my eyes off them! I'm trying to be good.

I'm trying to look where you told me to look.

But I cannot! I cannot! Look at those lights!

All right. All right. Okay. Okay.

Cousin, if I don't change places with you

I'm gonna go out of my mind!

All right, let's switch places.

And just sit down, and, please,

just try not to embarrass me.

Jennifer, what animal will your husband say best describes you

during your pregnancy?

Animal describes you during your pregnancy?

Why hide behind a question, Lance?

Let's face it, I'm, I'm a whale.

Ooh!

What are you doing?

This chair is like iron.

You sat in this for all that time and you...

This is unbelievably uncomfortable! It's so hard!

It's like, what is this? Is this some kind of torture instrument?

And it looks just like the chair I was just in.

That's the interesting bit.

I mean... Any... With my...

If I lean...

Maybe if I just kind of lean...

All right, let's switch places.

Let's switch places.

I like my new place.

All right, fine. I like my new place.

Fine. Fine. It's the chair I want.

because this chair is some kind of iron maiden torture thing

and I don't like it.

Impossible to get comfy. No.

Well, I want that chair. No.

Cousin, I want that chair!

Now get out of it!

Stop it! Stop it!

Listen to me! Listen to me!

Cousin Larry is not switching chairs!

Cousin Larry is not moving!

In fact, Cousin Larry is just going to sit here

and pretend that he doesn't even know you!

Cousin...

I'm sorry, have we met?

Now, we're moving on to the third trimester round,

where the points are doubled and you can really fatten up...

Your score, that is!

(GUFFAWS)

All right.

You have writing on the bottom of your shoe.

You have writing on the bottom of your shoe.

I know. No, I don't.

Not this shoe. This one says, "Little Man's Footwear."

Because, because that's, uh, that's, that's, that's, uh...

That's, that's my Christmas list.

And, uh, and well, well I can't let you see it

because I, I don't want to spoil the surprise.

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLING CONTINUES)

Ah-ha!

Jennifer's favorite food is Pop-Tarts!

So this is your Christmas list, eh?

LANCE: Okay, think now, if your husband were a tree,

what kind of tree would he be?

This is no Christmas list! Ow!

These are the answers to the game show!

You've been cheating!

Get up here! Ow!

You know what? Cheating is a revolting practice.

Balki, I couldn't help it!

There's the camera! Camera! The camera.

(INDISTINCT MUTTERING)

Don't you see? I had no choice!

When I couldn't match answers with Jennifer yesterday

I panicked!

So, so, I called "The Baby Quiz"

and I told them I was doing a story on the show

and they sent me 150 questions as research.

And I only did it so I could win a scholarship for my child.

Cousin, I'm sorry, but I cannot condone this cheating.

I'm gonna tell Lance. I'm gonna stop the game.

You're gonna turn me in!

What consequences?

A child's shattered dreams.

A child's pain, his sorrow, his agony!

On that, on that college campus

Oh, but, but there's one little boy

who, who just stands and watches.

It's Larry Junior!

And the other students just point

and laugh as they go on their way.

They're, they're playing keep-away with his dreams.

And he wants to go to class.

He wants to go, but he can't!

He can't because his Uncle Balki

robbed him of his college scholarship!

Oh, look, Balki, look! Look!

Look...

Look.

You see him, Balki?

crying out there?

Oh, God! My boy.

(SOBBING)

Help him, help him!

You know what?

There's nothing out there.

There's just nothing out there.

There's nothing out there.

I've just realized this is a sick game you've been

playing with Balki for six years and I'm tired of it.

Just tired of it.

answers off the bottom of your foot.

Since you became pregnant, ladies,

are you most comfortable sleeping on your side...

(HUMMING "BABY QUIZ" THEME SONG)

Larry, I'm glad Balki turned you in. You deserved it.

Actually, Jennifer, I didn't have to turn Cousin Larry in.

The game show people saw the writing on his feet

when we knocked the booth over

If you ask me, those game show people

take their jobs way too seriously.

They did let Balki and me finish the game with another couple.

And we did win that college scholarship

for little Robespierre, or Marge.

Come on, Mary Anne. Let's get something to eat. I'm hungry.

Good news, I hid some cookies in the cupboard.

Found 'em. Ice cream in the fridge?

Had it. Pastrami in the pantry?

Ate it.

Well...

Balki, I did it again.

And I reached for the brass ring...

Wound up with a bill for a broken

Plexiglas sound-proof booth.

Well, cousin, there's nothing wrong with wanting

a college education for your child.

It's just the lying, cheating

deceitful way you went about it.

But anyway, I, I got them to give you a parting gift

just as if you were an honest contestant.

You got me a parting gift? I surely did.

Well, that's very nice of you.

What'd you get me?

"The Baby Quiz Home Version!"

Now, Cousin Larry Appleton

can play "The Baby Quiz" every night!

Back to you, Lance! Thank you, Johnny.

Oh, no, thank you, Lance!

(LAUGHS)

All right!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Larry, I get leg cramps every night.

Where have you been the last 32 weeks?

Do we know each other? Have we met?

Hey, this is just the first question.

The next question is probably going to be

something about food cravings and, and

I happen to know you have a thing for ice cream.

Pop-Tarts. Pop-Tarts. I knew that.

Johnny?

Ladies, unsightly varicose veins got you down?

Try new flesh-colored Hidey Hose.

One size fits all.

Back to you, Lance. Thank you, Johnny.

No problem, Lance.

(LAUGHS)

Who am I? All right.