Original subtitles

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

* Sometimes the world Looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you Just get a feeling

* Like you need Some kind of change

* No matter what The odds are this time

* Nothing's going to stand In my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long-lost friend

* Gives every dark street A light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's going To stop me now *

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

More eggs, Mary Anne?

Oh, no thanks. I'm stuffed.

Jennifer?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Thanks.

What's taking Balki so long?

Oh, he wants to pick the perfect flowers

for my morning bouquet.

Call an ambulance! They're all dying!

Did he say who was dying?

Balki, who's dying?

All the ants from my ant farm.

Except Mitch.

I've still got a pulse on Mitch.

Hold on, Mitch. Hold on.

I'm gonna give him mouth-to-mouth.

I've gotta pinch his little nose

Be careful. Don't overinflate the lungs.

(COUGHS)

Why don't you try to get his little heart going?

Okay.

Balki...he's gone.

(SOBBING)

Now, what happened?

Cousin, I was in the backyard

picking Mary Anne's morning bouquet...

their good morning hug and as I put them down

one by one they started dropping like...ants.

I need a drink.

Well, Balki, you've had that ant farm

for about four and a half years.

That's pretty much the life expectancy for ants.

Not these ants, cousin, they were happy, healthy

had everything to live for.

Well, I tell you what you do.

Get a piece of bread, go outside throw it on the ground.

By noon, you'll have a whole new ant farm.

Now, who wants another PopTart?

I do.

Wait a minute, cousin.

I've got the curse.

The curse? What curse?

The curse! The Exterminiki curse.

It brings instant death to anything I touch.

What are you talking about?

Cousin, this has plagued

In 1583, an ancestor of mine

Porkos the Butcher...

...tried to pass off yak knuckles as pig knuckles.

Well, you can imagine the brouhaha.

The incensed population marched up

to the great and powerful Wizard of Mypos, Dave.

So he put a curse on Porkos and all his descendants

which brings destruction and death

to anything the cursed person touches.

Now let me get this straight.

Your family curse has returned and anything you touch dies

which is why your ants bought the farm.

Yes.

Larry, are you getting that PopTart?

Oh!

Oh, Balki. Why you? Why now?

But I'll tell you anyway.

you just kind of slipped my mind

but in his 29th year

each male member of the Bartokomous family

develops a really bad case of... Exterminiki.

Oh, my poor Don't touch me!

Don't touch me!

Stand back, Mary Anne. I am a walking death machine.

But you're my walking death machine.

No!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, Calm down! Calm down!

You're not a walking death machine

and you're not cursed.

You're just a little upset

because you watched your little buddies

drop dead one by one.

Cousin, I loved that ant farm.

I will never forget the look on little Binki's face...

...and he looked up at me as if to say...

Well, Balki, I know this is a terrible loss for you

but there's got to be a logical explanation

for what happened... I got it.

Now, it was a very hot day yesterday.

The ants probably couldn't take the heat.

I should have let you air-condition

that ant farm when you asked.

See? So I'm the one to blame.

Not you. You're not cursed!

Cousin, you, you really think I'm not cursed?

Of course not. Don't be ridiculous.

Well, in that case, never mind.

Um, listen, I don't know what you folks are doing later

but the funeral is at 2:00.

I'd like each of you to...say something.

Mmm.

Larry, I'm very proud of the way you handled that.

You handled it well.

You might want to take note of this, Mary Anne.

See, you just, uh, listen to his silly, Myposian ravings.

Then you spoon-feed him logic.

He says, "Thank you, cousin..."

And everything is fine.

Mary Anne's flowers.

I killed them.

I have the Exterminiki curse. Stand back!

If I touch you...you die.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi, how was Lamaze class?

Same as usual.

They showed the film and Larry fainted.

We did the breathing and Larry fainted.

We had a coffee break and Larry fainted.

Yeah, well, the last faint was a fake faint.

I just didn't want to talk to the Bickleys.

I mean, it's always "Our fetus this," and "Our fetus that."

How's Balki doing? Has he come out of his room yet?

Oh, his mother express mailed the Exterminiki curse remedy

and he's up there now testing it on some flowers.

Balki, how's it goin' up there?

BALKI: Well, cousin, I, I think it works.

I haven't dazed the daisies.

Well, he probably had to drink some

disgusting concoction made of pig byproducts.

He'll smell like a slaughterhouse all day but, uh,

it'll be worth it.

Boy, am I lucky.

I thought Mama was gonna send me the big, ugly suit.

All I have to do is wear this suit

and our lives can get back to normal.

What's this? The business section? Huh.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, Balki, Balki, Balki. Look, let me serve the salad.

No, cousin. Just let me serve the salad.

Let me serve it, Balki... Cousin, please don't do this.

The only way I'm going to get adjusted

back into society is with mitts-on experience.

No, I'll... Cousin, please, please!

I think we should respect Balki's feelings.

We need to treat him like any normal person

with the touch of death.

Tossing that's all.

(SIGHS)

None for me, thanks.

Dressing?

Okay? All righty.

I made roast beef. I hope that's okay.

It's no toad potpie but then again, what is?

Well, it smells delicious, Balki.

Right?

Oh, come on, Jennifer.

Whoa!

All right, Balki, let me serve the roast beef.

No, cousin, I... Let me serve the roast beef.

Just let me serve it. Don't fight me on this.

All right, just let me serve the roast beef...

(SCREAMS)

I was just going to point out,

that the pan is hot.

(SCREAMING)

Sorry, cousin. Sorry, cousin. Sorry, cousin.

Oh. Oh...

I have a surprise for you.

I baked bread.

Is it hot? No.

Oh good, good. Bread is good.

Nice, soft, safe bread.

Have these knives been sharpened?

No! No! No!

No bread! No bread. Just no, no, put the knife down!

Put the knife down!

I almost forgot the coffee. No! No! No, no!

No coffee! No! Put it back! Just put it back! Put it back!

All right, all right, now come on. Sit down.

Just sit down. Sit down!

Sit! Sit! Sit!

Stay! Stay.

All right.

Now, Balki, tell me.

How long can we expect this curse to last?

Well, the average shelf life of a curse

is somewhere in between four days and...

47 years.

Forty seven years?

Well, how do we know when it's over?

Well, could it be when your friends are wearing their dinner

and suffering third-degree burns?

No, that only happens when you throw

a dinner party on a volcano.

Cousin, you know the curse is over

when you touch someone with your bare hands and they don't die.

Until then, my flesh must not touch another's.

Oh, Balki, you're just like the boy in the plastic bubble.

I wish we had a bubble built for two.

No!

No. No.

We must not.

God, I almost kissed you to death.

Mary Anne, you're gonna have to go

to your mama's house for a few days.

Well, it'll rip my heart out but if you think it's best...

What is the matter with you?

There is no curse!

Are Jennifer and I the only sane ones here?

Well, actually, I thought I'd go with Mary Anne.

What?

Balki's Myposian myths turn out to be true.

I mean, remember the time he wore that hat

Come on, Mary Anne, let's pack.

Well, great. This is just great.

You've driven my wife from my home.

I'm sorry, cousin. Can I freshen your iced tea?

Yeah, sure.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

BALKI: Sorry, cousin, I thought I could draw Dimitri

with my mitts on. I was wrong.

Well, this has been quite a day.

My wife has left me, my career is over

and I'm eating takeout dinner with Oven Mitt Man.

Maybe I'm the one who's cursed.

in the fact that you have me as a cousin.

Hey, cousin, they gave me extra coleslaw.

You want it?

No, I do not want your coleslaw.

I do not want your coleslaw.

All I want is to sit and enjoy my dinner

maybe watch a little TV.

And don't even think about using the remote.

I'll trade you a Cajun wing for a southern-fried thigh.

(CHOKING)

Are you choking?

And would you like me to take off my mitts

and give you the Heimlich maneuver?

I'm getting a little sick of your pathetic attempts

to get me to take off my mitts.

I tell ya.

You know...

This chicken needs something.

Gonna see if we have any paprika.

(GROANING) Help me.

Help me! Help me!

Oh, you want some, too?

Okay, I'll play along.

Knock three times on the table if you're faking

twice on your head if the answer is no.

Uh-oh.

I bet... Ah, oh...

I'd better give you the Heimlich Maneuver.

Come on, stand up.

Come on, get up!

Get up.

Oh, oh, cousin, I, I cannot take off my mitts...

I, oh... Well.

(GASPING)

Balki, you saved my life.

Cousin, do you realize what just happened?

Yes.

You almost let me die!

No, cousin, I touched you with my bare hands

and you, you didn't die!

The curse is over!

Now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy!

* Hey-hey hey-hey Hey hey hey *

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

You made my favorite dessert.

Oh, cousin, II know it cannot make up

for this disastrous meal, but...

Yeah, you slaved away all day in that hot suit

making my favorite dessert...

And all I could think of is how miserable I am.

Boy, what is wrong with me?

Come on, buddy.

The two of us are gonna sit down here together and

have some cherries flambe.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)