Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world Looks perfect

* Sometimes you just Get a feeling

* Like you need Some kind of change

* No matter what The odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand In my way

* This flame in my heart Like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street A light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life my dream

* Nothing's going To stop me now *

Good vegetables, Jen.

Thanks.

They're, they're so... Crisp.

Well, I did, uh, keep them in the crisper.

Well, that, uh, that must be it.

Balki, could you, uh, please pass the salt?

Balki?

Balki?

Balki?

Would you please pass the salt?

Thank you.

Sorry, cousin, we were playing lip tag and I was it.

Tonight is the fourth anniversary

of the very first time we ever said the exact same thing

at the exact same time.

Well, who, who could blame you for celebrating?

Cuddle break.

What is it with those two?

I mean, have you ever seen anything so nauseating?

I think they're adorable.

You do?

You do?

I feel like going to bed.

You do?

Goodnight, Balki. Goodnight, Mary Anne.

I'll just, uh, lock the doors and be right up, sweetheart.

Why? Because you said you wanted to go to bed.

Oh, right, try not to disturb me when you come upstairs, okay?

They're so cute.

Race you to the pillow.

Balki? Yeah?

Uh, but you seem to be doing something right.

So, uh, tell me.

...keep the old...

Gotcha.

Well, cousin, the, um, the most important thing

is to use very, very dry wood.

But the real key is the kindling.

And, of course, the lighter fluid. No.

Now, if you just go through a little bota bag...

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm talking about the fires

between a man and a woman.

Oh.

Oh... Them fires. Yeah.

If our flame ever flickered, I think what I would do

I would go into my pleasure chest and select

one of the three tried and true Bartokomous marriage secrets.

"Three tried and true Bartokomous marriage secrets?"

What are they?

Well, cousin, uh, if I told you they wouldn't be secrets.

I'll buy you ice cream.

Moon oil is one.

Burning amber incense is another.

And, of course, there's the Ocean Surf cassette tape.

Goodnight, cousin.

Uh, just out of curiosity. Uh-huh.

Well, cousin, now again

that would be another Bartokomous marriage secret.

Waffle cone?

Thank you.

Why do you ask?

Oh, hey! Look at the time.

I don't know, cousin, you kinda got me in the mood to talk.

So anyway, how's everything by you?

Balki. Uh-huh?

Cousin, I got to be honest with you.

MARY ANNE: Balki.

On the other hand, she sure knows how to toss my salad!

Goodnight, cousin.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Good morning, cousin.

Would you like a fish head omelet?

No.

Would you like a knuckle sandwich?

Knuckles are more of a lunch thing.

They tend to stay with you...

Listen to me, listen to me.

Because of you, Jennifer is miserable this morning.

I went into your stupid pleasure chest, I used your stupid

Bartokomous marriage secrets, and they didn't work.

You went into my pleasure chest?

Yes. What you did take?

I took 'em all!

from the incense, and the ocean sounds made her seasick.

Before I report you to the proper authorities

there's something I think you should know.

Moon oil applied directly to the skin

usually causes third degree burns!

Ow!

You must have found an old bottle.

But, the, the moon oil isn't body oil?

Moon oil is used to light the Myposian honeymoon lamp

and the incense is for outdoor use only

and no one should ever listen

And in case you haven't noticed,

Jennifer has a very full stomach.

Jen, honey, you, you feel better?

It's funny, Larry.

Until last night I didn't think anything

could make me feel more miserable than being pregnant.

I was wrong.

Let's get going, this is gonna take a major league gift.

A Louisville slug?

A little garlic on it, delicious.

LARRY: Look, this is a waste of time.

MAN: (ON PA) Thank you for shopping at Peterman's.

Come on, let's go.

Cousin, just, just wait a minute.

Balki, you already got her a, a car full of gifts.

What is this? Another anniversary?

Today is the first anniversary of the first time

that Mary Anne and I got caught in the rain

and our hair got all wet and stringy

and we used the car heater to dry it

and got our heads stuck under the steering wheel.

Well, that must have been a special, special day for you.

And I'd love to hear more about it.

Well, we got caught in the rain...

But...

And our, our hair was all wet and, and stringy...

But, but, but, I have to find

the perfect gift for Jennifer.

Cousin, what are you talking about?

that you got six and a half hours ago

remains the perfect gift. And why?

Because it's what she really wants.

Cousin, if a gift is given with love, size don't count.

Believe me, size always counts.

Five minutes till closing.

Come on, cousin, let's get out of here.

They're closing the store.

They just, he just said, "The store closing in five minutes."

It's just a trick to encourage impulse buying.

in the simplest things.

It's what I do best.

Now let's go back to the jewelry department.

Okay.

It's right over here. It's right around the corner.

Cousin, remember, look, look...

Just turn and look.

Well, now you've done it. Well, now you've done it.

What do you mean I've done it? What do you mean I've done it?

Is right over there. Look, if you'd just...

(INDISTINCT ARGUING)

Just help me put this thing back together

before the security guard sees us.

Okay. Um...

Look, cousin,

he's got his foot in his mouth.

Will you stop fooling around?

Oh, I'm sorry, cousin, here

let me give you a hand.

(GIGGLES)

You're not gonna help, are you?

* Dem bone dem bone dem

* Dry bone dem bone Dem bone dem

* Dry bone the hand bone Connect to the neck bone

* The wrist bone connect To the shoulder bone

* The foot bone Connect to the... *

MAN: Thank you for shopping at Peterman's.

The store is now closed.

Cousin...

Balki...

Now, no store is going to close

while a gold card holder is still shopping.

Now just help me find the, the head.

It must have rolled somewhere.

Look around.

(GRUNTING)

Look, cousin, it's the incredible two-headed Mypiot.

(SNORTS)

Balki, you idiot.

Now, give me that.

(GROANING)

Oh!

Two-headed Mypiot. (CHUCKLES)

Will you stop it?

Hey, cousin... Hmm?

You do notice anything strange?

Other than the fact that I'm torn between two dummies?

Feeling like a fool?

Cousin,

it's awfully quiet in here.

You know what I think?

You know what?

You know, you know what I think?

I think everybody gone home.

Cousin... Hmm?

Impossible.

(DOOR SHAKING)

Balki, they closed the store.

You stupid little nincompoopolos.

Oh, so now, suddenly, I'm the one to blame.

Oh, no, you were pretty much always the one to blame.

Well, look, let's just concentrate

on finding a way outta here.

I have a plan.

Oh, oh, you have a plan? Yeah.

I have a plan. You have a plan?

A good one too. No.

No, no, no-no-no-no-no-no-no!

I make the plans and you follow.

Engine... Caboose.

Got it? Yeah, I got it.

No one blows hot air like you do.

I think, I'll just use the phone to call for help.

(DOG BARKING)

Cousin...

Did you hear something?

Yes, I heard something.

(DOG SNARLING)

Must have been a recording.

(DOG SNARLING)

You know, all the big stores are going with these

high-tech alarm systems.

Cousin. Cousin...

It's, it's, it's a dog.

Of course, it's a dog. It's a recording of a dog.

And not a very good one, I might add.

(SNARLING)

No, cousin, it's a big scary dog.

I know you're scared.

It's your first time locked in a store.

But Cousin Larry is here.

I'm not gonna let anything happen to you, okay?

You feel better?

Huh? Feel better?

(DOG SNARLING)

Why didn't you tell me?

(DOG BARKS)

Just for the record, I don't.

All right, Balki, don't make any sudden moves.

We're going to back up very, very slowly.

(SNARLING)

(BARKING)

(BARKING CONTINUES)

(BARKING CONTINUES)

Cousin, I think he wants us to stand still.

Okay, okay!

All right, let me think. I got it.

Listen up. Listen up. I got it.

You let the dog chase you around the store

while I make the phone call.

On three, ready? One, two, three.

Go.

(DOG GROWLING)

One, two, three, go.

Balki, go.

One, two, three, go.

Go, go.

One-two-three. Go.

What else you got?

Stay. Cousin, cousin.

Cousin, cousin, cousin.

Here you go. Here you go, doggy. Fetch.

BALKI: No, cousin. LARRY: Here you go. Here you go.

Fetch. Here you go, here you go, doggy. Fetch.

No, cousin. Here you go. Here you go.

Doggy, just, just go.

Balki.

What kinda doggy doesn't fetch?

A dog that would rather kill.

Cousin, if I don't make it out of here... Oh, God.

If, if I don't make it out of here alive

tell Mary Anne that, um, that I stashed some extra cash

behind the nutmeg in the kitchen and that I love her very much.

Why am I telling you this? You'll be dead, too.

Balki, I know about your nutmeg stash.

And, listen, if we do get out of here alive

I'm gonna give you back the three hundred dollars I stole.

(DOG BARKING)

You stole my nutmeg nest egg?

How could you do that?

How can you do that to me?

(BARKING CONTINUES)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(DOG BARKING)

Enough, enough.

JENNIFER: Where would they be all night without calling us?

Maybe they wanted to earn some extra money

for our babies' college educations

so they took second jobs and forgot to tell us.

Or maybe they're lying in a ditch somewhere.

You see the glass and you say it's half empty,

whereas I see the glass and I say it's empty halfway.

Hi. Hi.

Balki, what happened to you?

Larry, where have you been?

I've been worried sick.

Well, we accidentally got locked

Larry, I promise I won't be angry.

Where have you really been?

Jennifer, it's true.

We were, we were being chased all night by a dog.

But the worst part was...

Well, you missed a pretty special anniversary.

No, I didn't, my little lamb shank.

You remembered the first time we got caught in the rain

and our hair got all wet and stringy

and we used the car heater to dry it

I have your present upstairs.

Cuddle break.

Penny for your thoughts.

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Larry, how did you get locked in Peterman's department store?

Well, well, I, I was just trying to find the perfect gift for you

to save our marriage and we got locked in.

Larry, our marriage doesn't need saving.

And why would you think it would?

Well, well, you, you don't seem to be interested in me lately.

I mean, Balki and Mary Anne are always taking cuddle breaks

and, and, and, you, you just you, you don't want to touch me.

I'm sorry, Larry, but these days

I just don't feel very attractive.

Really? Yes.

You mean it? Yes, I mean it.

Ow, ow.

The, the dog nicked my lip.

Oh, and I, I almost forgot.

This is, uh, for you.

And it's small and cheap

but it's the only thing I could find.

I love surprises.

It's a neck pillow.

Oh, Larry, I love it.

When my lip heals, I'll, I'll blow it up for you.

Cuddle break?

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH PANTING)

(DOG BARKING)

(DOG SNARLS)

Balki... Why isn't he chasing you?

I don't know, cousin.

I grew up on a farm.

(DOG BARKS)

(BALKI YELLING)

(BOTH SHOUTING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)