Original subtitles

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Well, right about now, Balki and Mary Anne's plane

should be landing in Athens.

Two hours on a small plane.

Six more hours in a fishing boat.

Eleven-mile hike, and they'll be at Balki's house.

It's hard to believe they're finally married.

You know what else is hard to believe?

What's that?

That in seven and a half months you're going to be a daddy.

That's nice.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's going to stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long lost friend

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dreams

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dreams

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dreams

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

Jennifer, honey? You'd better hurry.

Balki and Mary Anne are going to be here any minute.

Larry, I'm seven months pregnant.

I don't hurry.

Just, just take your time

and park your pretty little ankles right over here.

My pretty little ankles?

Larry...

You think I'm a whale.

No! No! No!

I-I think you're beautiful, radiant

and I love you very much.

Hey, y-y... I've got an idea.

I'll tell you what.

Tonight, in, uh, instead of having dinner at home, again

when Balki and Mary Anne get here

why don't we all go out to dinner?

I mean, we've got a lot of catching up to do.

Balki and Mary Anne have been on Mypos for five months.

I don't wanna go out to dinner. I don't have anything to wear.

Well, well, forget dinner. Let's all go to a movie.

I don't blame you, Larry

for wanting to go somewhere dark,

so no one sees you're married to the Goodyear Blimp.

Well, well, no... Honey, honey, that's not true.

Look, hey, hey... I'll tell you what.

Let's just forget about Balki and Mary Anne.

And, uh, why don't we grab a bottle of nonalcoholic wine

Hmm?

Didn't we just do that?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, we just did that.

seven weeks, four days and 11 hours ago.

Balki's back and he's better than ever!

Oh, cousin, cousin!

Jennifer! Oh, Jennifer, I'm so happy to be home!

I missed everything in this house.

I missed running up the stairs!

I missed running down the stairs!

I missed jumping over this couch.

Cousin.

Still no upper lip.

Except you, Jennifer. Oh.

Cousin, you exaggerated in your letter.

She's nowhere near as big as a house.

What?

Well, no, no. E-enough about us.

Where's Mary Anne? She's right outside.

We, we have a surprise for you.

Now, here we go. Here we go. Mary Anne.

Mary Anne. Here we go.

Hi!

My little spud muffin is having a tater tot.

Well, that is great. Oh...

(LAUGHING)

(BOTH GROWLING)

Uh-huh? Uh-huh.

Uh-huh? Uh-huh.

(SQUEALING)

Here.

Congratulations!

Oh, no...

We've got a lot of, of, uh, catching up to do.

Here. Here you go, sweetheart.

Take it easy, take it easy.

Almost there. Oh-ho. Pillow.

Oh, here. Here.

Can I help you, Mary Anne? With what?

Never mind.

Well, this is perfect.

You got here just in time for my baby shower tomorrow

so now it can be for both of us.

Oh, that's sweet.

Why don't we show them the new nursery?

We put up new wallpaper. I hope you like giraffes.

Well, the meat's a little tough

Larry, Larry.

There you go.

A fan to keep your face cool.

A blanket to keep your body warm.

A pillow for your aching back

and some cozies for your toesies.

Is there anything else I can do for you, honey?

And, uh, how are you, my little pork loin?

I'm perfect.

And don't you forget it.

(GIGGLING) Oh!

Oh...

No.

Sore back? No.

Swollen ankles? No.

Wild, uncontrollable almost murderous mood-swings?

Uh, I didn't mean you, honey.

Not you. Not you.

So you aren't experiencing any symptoms of pregnancy?

Well, just that pregnant glow.

I hate you.

BALKI: Don't worry.

pesky problems of pregnancy.

What's that?

The Midolcrampabloatolous root.

It helps you get rid of them awful symptoms of pregnancy.

I brought some home from Mypos for Mary Anne,

but she don't need it.

Yes.

We, uh, tried planting it closer to town

but goats feeding in the area kept exploding.

Can I tempt you? Thanks, but no.

Jennifer's right. There's absolutely no way.

Look, we don't even know if this root is safe.

I mean, there's, there's probably got some

horrible side effects.

Well, hmm, there, there is one

but, I don't... This is not the place to discuss it.

See? See? What happens? What, does your hair turn green?

What, your teeth get soft?

What? What? What? Well.

It, it releases uncontrollable passionate desires in a woman.

Well, if it'll help reduce your swollen ankles...

Larry, goats exploded.

No, no, now, no conclusive evidence has ever linked

the goat explosions to the root.

Do you hear that? You hear that? "No conclusive evidence."

Maybe you should try it.

No, I-I don't want to.

I'll try it first, and, and prove that it's safe.

Not only am I not going to try it

but you're not gonna try it either.

What if you grow an arm out of your neck or something?

It's time to read nursery rhymes to our stomachs.

I feel like "Goldilocks." What do you feel like?

JENNIFER: "Humpty Dumpty."

Excuse me. Excuse me.

What are you doing?

Balki, I'm doing this for Jennifer's own good.

The sooner I take this and show her that

there is nothing wrong with it

the sooner my life returns to normal.

Her life. Her life returns to normal.

Cut the babasticki.

You're not doing this for Jennifer

you're doing it for yourself.

You got me. Well...

Oh, give me that! Give me that. Cousin...

You can't... You...

You cannot just eat the Midolcrampabloatolous root

like that.

What do you think this is?

You... This has to be prepared.

You have to take some shavings of this.

Put them in the saucepan with some bonemeal,

goat's milk, and a packet of grape Kool-Aid for color.

Nothing is going to happen.

Yeah, I knew it.

Another bogus, Myposian...

Oh, boy, I feel great!

I feel alive! I feel tall!

I feel a myriad of things!

That's a wonderful word, isn't it? Myriad?

I wonder what it means.

Oh, I've got to give her a call.

You know Aunt Miriam? Lovely woman.

Balki, have you ever noticed

how many talk shows there are now?

You had to bite the root, didn't you?

So?

and you're speaking very quickly.

But why would I notice that I was talking quickly?

My gym bag! That's where I left my watch!

Balki, you have got to try this!

No! No! No, I don't want to!

No! Ow! Ow!

(MUMBLING)

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

You know what I think? Ooh-whoo! Ooh wah hah!

Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!

This stuff is good!

* Dai dai dai dai dai dai dai dai

* Hey-hey hey-hey hey-hey hey-hey *

I hope I get through this shower. I am exhausted.

I don't know what Larry and Balki were doing last night

but they were making so much noise it kept me up all night.

(CACKLING)

What have you two been up to all night and half the morning?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Tell her! Tell her! Tell her! Tell her! Tell her! Tell her!

Tell her! Tell her! Tell her! Tell her!

Shut up! Okay.

You know.

And then we rewired the house.

Giving us 30% more wattage.

(SCREAMING)

(CACKLING)

Larry, you don't know how to rewire a house.

That's what I thought. But it was a snap.

First you reset the-- Panels.

Breaker panels, and into the junction--

BOTH: Three way switches!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Three way! Three way! Three way!

(MUMBLING)

If you don't remember, the black--

Is positive and the white--

Is negative, then--

BOTH: W-wowww!

Larry, why aren't you blinking?

Time waster!

(LAUGHING)

Look, I don't know what you guys are up to, but I don't have time

to deal with this right now. The guests are almost here.

Why don't you go and change?

And we'd better hurry and put out the food.

Jennifer, do you ever get a stabbing pain

in your lower back that shoots down through your legs?

Yes. Yes! Do you get that too?

No.

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

Get me more of that root!

This is all I have left. That's it?

Don't you have a root man we could call?

Unfortunately not. Oh.

But I have a better idea.

After the baby shower, we can fly to Mypos

and get more root!

Yes!

We'll fly to Mypos.

BOTH: Whoo!

Bring back more root and plant it in the backyard!

Better yet, we'll put a giant grow light on the roof!

BOTH: Whoo!

Whoo!

Forget the roof!

I don't know what we'll do with our clothes,

but we'll worry about that later.

You know...

It's taken you six years, cousin.

But you have finally come up with a plan that makes sense.

Thank you! No, thank you!

No, thank you! No, thank you!

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Whoo! Ow! Whoo! Ow!

Now give me the root!

Oh, wow! Oh, boy!

Cousin, I have the most brilliant idea.

What if our knees bent both ways?

Come here! Come here. Come here.

(MUMBLING)

All right, here. Hold it.

(GRUNTING)

Ooh!

(LARRY MUTTERING)

JENNIFER: Larry, what are you doing?

We're trying to see if we can make my knees bend both ways.

But thanks for asking.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

(GRUNTING)

Why are you acting like this?

(BOTH SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

BOTH: We ate the root.

And we didn't explode or anything.

Jennifer, you really gotta try it.

Here, give me the root. Give me the root.

Oh, here, there's only a little bit left.

But we want to give it to you.

We'll have a whole lot more when we tear down the house.

(GIGGLING)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

BOTH: The root.

It's making you weird. Although you do seem taller.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you two go outside

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Oh, boy! Oh, wow!

You know, she's right.

Let's take a walk! Okay!

(GRUNTING)

Balki! Why walk when we can eat?

BOTH: Food!

(MOANING)

Wait, wait, wait.

This food is for the party.

Well, a nibble won't hurt. No one will notice.

We'll just have a teensy meensy insy binsy

little bite of each dish.

Okay, we'll have a eensy teensy weensy little bite of each dish.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

(MUMBLING)

(BOTH SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

BOTH: Very, very good!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi, Jennifer.

Hi, Mary Anne.

BOTH: Are you still mad at us?

Because of you two, instead of thank you cards

we had to send out apology cards.

Well, if it makes you feel any better

Balki and I are paying for our behavior.

I feel like the Myposian army just marched across my face.

Mary Anne, Mary Anne.

I'm so sorry. I'm s...

I never should have eaten the Midolcrampabloatolous root.

Forgive me?

Okay! Mmm-hmm.

Jennifer, I'm so sorry.

I never should've eaten the Midolcrampabloatolous root.

Will you forgive me?

I don't think so, Larry.

But, but, Jen, I, I only ate it so, so you could take it

and, and get some relief from your bloating,

and aching, and swelling, and whining.

And, and, and I'm, I'm not helping myself, am I?

Cousin, you're going down in flames, but don't worry.

Because I have just the thing

to get your relationship back on track.

Please, Balki, not another bizarre Myposian remedy.

Well, there's nothing bizarre about it.

Here's $20.

Go to the movies, sit in the balcony

don't watch the movie.

What do you think, Jen?

Sounds wonderful.

Thanks, Balki, that's very kind of you.

And that's just the beginning.

a giant pig spleen float.

With or without brine, your choice.

There, that's better.

Thank you. No, thank you.

I am thanking you. No, thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you... Thank you, thank you...

Oh. Ow.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

BOTH: We'll get it.

JENNIFER: Larry.

Larry.

Larry.

BOTH: They're here!

Oh, my God.