Original subtitles

♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect

♪ Nothing to rearrange

♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling

♪ Like you need some kind of change

♪ Standing tall

♪ On the wings of my dream

♪ Rise and fall

♪ On the wings of my dream

♪ The rain and thunder

♪ The wind and haze

♪ I'm bound for better days

♪ It's my life and my dream

♪ Nothing's going to stop me now ♪

Harriette, Harriette, come over and look.

The Christmas present, my mother sent me from Mypos.

Let me see. Let me see.

[ALL SIGHING]

Oh, Balki, it's beautiful.

Is it hand carved?

Yeah, yeah. It's Davros carved.

It's made by the finest artist on Mypos. Davros Praxiteles.

Look at the detail on it.

It take him one year just to carve one cup.

Hey, hey, hey. What is this?

Just because it's Christmas Eve,

doesn't mean we're not still workin' here.

Come on. Clear the area. Let's go. Come on.

Mr. Gorpley. Mr. Gorpley. What?

Look the beautiful cup my mother sent me for Christmas.

I know, I heard. Your mother loves you.

She gave you a present. I'm all chocked up.

Bartokomous, what are you doing?

You said you were chocking.

I'm giving you the hamhock maneuver.

I'm over it.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Cousin, cousin.

What, what... Were you mugged?

Worse. I went shopping on Christmas Eve.

Look at this, huh?

What do you think?

Well, I don't know.

I think it's a little busy for you, but...

No, no, it's not for me. It's for Jennifer.

Oh, well.

In that case, it's quietly elegant.

Cost me a $125, but it's worth it.

I'm gonna give it to Jennifer at our party tonight.

And just between you and me, I think she's gonna be thrilled.

Christmas party tonight, eh, Appleton?

A party? Uh, well, no. We're not having a party.

I wouldn't call it a party, as such.

You know, just a few, few people

getting together and killing time.

I'll watch that on Lifestyles Of The Rich And Boring.

You didn't ask Mr. Gorpley to the party?

No, I didn't ask Mr. Gorpley to the party.

Well, why not? He's gonna feel left out.

He is left out.

Balki, this is our first annual Christmas party.

I want it to be a time for all our friends to gather together

and share an evening filled with Christmas spirit.

If Mr. Gorpley came he'd ruin everything.

Oh, come on. How can you say that?

It's easy. He'd ruin everything.

I don't want him at the party.

Great news. I'm free to spend Christmas with you.

What do you mean, "So what?"

No. I didn't ask my wife, but I have a hunch

she doesn't wanna spend Christmas with me.

She's been remarried for two years.

So how about it?

Can I come over for Christmas?

No. No, I understand.

You've got family coming over.

Yeah, okay. I'll try you again next year.

Yeah. Bye, Mom.

Mr. Gorpley... [EXCLAIMS]

Oh, um, Bartokomous. [CLEARS THROAT]

About tonight, Cousin Larry and I ha-ha...

Cousin Larry and I ha-ha...

Cousin Larry and I are ha-ha...

You've got tensile caught in your throat?

Me? Sam, the man, Gorpley?

I got invitations runnin' out my ears.

Do I have any place to go for Christmas? What a laugh.

[LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. What a relief.

I'll tell you, I'll tell you, funny, funny thing.

What?

For a second over there, uh, well,

I was going to... to ask you if you wanted to come to our party.

Okay.

Okay, what?

Okay, I'll come to your party.

Yes, I will see you tonight.

Okay? Okay.

Okay!

O-kay.

[HUFFING]

Ow, ow, ow.

Perfect.

Okay.

Would you look at this?

Is this gonna be a perfect Christmas party or what?

Wow!

I want you to try the eggnog.

Tell me if it's okay, huh?

Mmm. Perfect.

It is, isn't it?

Cousin, a funny, funny thing happened while I was, um,

taking down the decorations at work.

[GASPS] Napkins.

Um, I was, it all kinda...

I was just finishing

taking down the decorations for Mr. Gorpley.

You know, I knew Gorpley was slime.

For making you work late on Christmas Eve

is a new low, even for him.

What do you think? What do you think? Should I add another log?

I mean, here, I want, I want people to be warm

but I don't want them to sweat.

BOTH: Perfect.

Balki, it doesn't get any better than this.

Well, we gotta talk about that.

What could be better than a party at Christmas

with the people you care about?

who is, who is less fortunate than you are?

Great idea. Really?

We'll have to remember to do that next year.

Well, cousin, cousin, I took it upon myself to do it this year.

You did? Yeah.

Well, you are incredible.

Well, you don't know the half of it.

Well, so who is it?

Where did you find this unfortunate person?

um, I met him down at the paper.

Beautiful.

Who is it?

You know what?

This is the best eggnog I have ever had anywhere.

Seconds?

Who is it?

[CLEARS THROAT] Who is whom?

Who is coming to our party?

What party? The Christmas party.

When?

Oh, that Christmas party.

What was the question?

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Oh, goodness. That might be Mr. Gorpley now.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

You invited Mr. Gorpley?

Are you crazy?

Well, you also said that you thought the Christmas party

would be a time when all your friends

would gather around and share the Christmas spirit.

He is not my friend.

Well, he is my friend.

I am not gonna let Mr. Gorpley ruin

the best Christmas party of all time.

Ha! Let me...

[SPEAKING IN DANISH ACCENT] Yah, who is there?

HARRIETTE: It's Harriette and I'm ready to party.

It's Harriette.

BOTH: Oh!

Come on in. Merry Christmas.

Hi, nice to see you. Come on in.

Oh.

Everybody just throw your coat's off

and put your presents down

and go help yourselves to some eggnog

and let us know if there's too much nog.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Shh.

Cousin...

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH ACCENT] Hola.Who is it?

It's Lydia.

Oh! It's Lydia.

Come on in.

Oh! Muy macho.

Feliz navidad. [CHUCKLES]

Lydia, Lydia, so good to see you.

Come, sit down. Take off your wrap.

Mac heavens! Sit down.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Shh.

Cousin, would you...

[SPEAKING IN BRITISH ACCENT] And who might that be?

MARY ANNE: Oh, sorry. We must have the wrong apartment.

No, no, It's Mary Anne.

Oh. Mary Anne.

Hi, Jennifer, come on in.

Merry Christmas. You look beautiful.

Come on in.

Balki, what is going on?

Well, cousin Larry's having a nervous break dance.

Because...

Just because I invited someone to the party

who is a little less fortunate than we are.

Huh, real classy, Larry.

Well that's very nice, Balki. Now what's this guys name?

Mr. Gorpley. Good night, everyone.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait!

Now, just because he's invited

doesn't mean we have to let him in.

When he knocks on the door, we'll all be quiet

and he'll think he's got the wrong apartment.

I can't believe this. No one can be that bad.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Okay, okay, okay.

Mr. Gorpley is not popular.

I get that. And I'm in an okay place about it.

But let me just say this.

and when he comes here I'm going to let him in.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR] Shh!

MR. GORPLEY: Bartokomous, Appleton?

What the...

I know you're in there. This has happened before, you know.

This happened last year at Lydia's birthday party.

We tried to outwait him.

We sat in the dark for four hours

listening to a man pound on a door.

It was five hours and I brought

a sleeping bag this time.

I guess we're gonna have to let him in.

Well, now I'm the shovel.

Now look, everyone. You're gonna see that I'm right.

Deep down inside Mr. Gorpley

there is an ember of the Christmas spirit.

I think we can fan it into a flame.

Good. I'll get the matches.

Harriette, you don't mean that.

Now look. How about when we open the door

we give him a really beautiful Merry Christmas?

A really good one.

ALL: Merry Christmas!

Mmm, how festive.

Looks like Kris Kringle threw up all over your living room.

[LAUGHS]

Having a good time, Mr. Gorpley?

Mmm, better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

[LAUGHS]

Ho-ho-ho!

Merry Christmas. It's Balki Claus.

It's present time. Present time.

[ALL CHEERING]

You must have all been good little boys and girls

because Balki Claus has presents for all of you.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Okay.

This one is for Harriette from Lydia.

ALL: Open it.

All right, all right. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Let's take it out.

Oh, thank you. That's real nice, Lydia.

They're givin' 'em away at the gas station with every fill up.

This one is "To Lydia from Harriette."

ALL: Open it. Open it.

Oh, it's the new Nora True Blood Adam's mystery.

I've been dying to read this. I know. I know.

I'll save you 600 pages. The Countess did it.

Why don't we see if he can swallow this side ways.

This is not Heraldo.

Now, let me see here.

This one is "To Jennifer from Mary Anne, your roommate."

Open it.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

This one is "To Jennifer from Larry."

Open it. Open it.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, open mine first.

[ALL GASPING]

JENNIFER: Oh, Mary Anne. This is lovely.

This must have cost you a fortune.

It did, $29.95.

Wow. I've seen 'em for a hundred and a quarter.

[LAUGHING]

Why don't you open up the present from Appleton.

I'm dying to see what that is.

This isn't really the time.

Oh, gee, thanks, Larry.

This is, this is really nice.

You know, you just can't have too many of these.

Yeah. Good move, Appleton.

Boy, I bet you feel like a real jerk.

All right, that's it. You're out of here.

[ALL CLAMORING]

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Wait a minute! Don't you see what's happening?

LARRY: Yeah, we're taking out the trash!

Come on! Give him back! Let us have him!

You''ve turned into a Christmas mob.

Well, he's been asking for it all night.

And we're gonna give it to him!

[ALL SHOUTING]

Listen to me.

You don't want to hurt anybody.

Especially on Christmas Eve.

Oh, relax, Bartokomous. These people can't hurt me.

you're gonna spoil my Christmas?

Hey, I've had rotten Christmases before.

Like the one three years ago. When my wife said,

"Merry Christmas. I'm divorcing you."

Or how about that one when I was in high school.

And I finally met my real father.

And he stuck around long enough to have a drumstick

and steal all the money that I had saved for college.

and our trailer burnt down.

No, no, no, wait a minute, wait a minute, no.

I got to sleep in a real bed at the Red Cross.

So don't worry about me getting hurt on Christmas.

It's not going to happen.

But it wouldn't be Christmas if somebody didn't try.

Happy holidays.

No, now, now, that's, that's okay, that's enough.

Come sit over here. Come sit down.

We, we can't let you go.

We haven't finished opening the presents.

I'm sure you can handle that without me.

No, we can't because, because, uh...

What, come on. For me, a present?

[LAUGHS] Get real, Bartokomous.

I have never been realer.

I believe that this is your name on the tag.

"To Mr. Gorpley.

"Have a Merry Christmas. From your friend Balki."

Open it, open it.

Balki, that was a gift from your mama.

Why are you giving this to me?

I thought it meant a lot to you.

It does mean a lot to me.

It's a gift of love.

And my mother taught me that a gift of love

has to go to the one who needs it the most.

And right now, that's you.

I don't have a gift for you.

Yes, you do.

Nothing like this has ever happened to me.

I don't know what to say, nobody's ever...

[SIGHING]

I feel, uh, kinda strange.

Sort of, uh, warm.

Like I'm almost starting to like you people.

What you're feeling is the Christmas spirit.

Do you feel this every Christmas?

Yeah.

Except for Balki.

He feels like this every day.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Gorpley. Merry Christmas, Sam.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

ALL: Merry Christmas.

I'm sorry I tried to lock you out, Mr. Gorpley.

I would have done the same thing in your place.

Uh, Merry Christmas, Appleton.

Merry Christmas.

♪ Hark the herald angels sing

♪ Glory to the newborn king

♪ Peace on earth and mercy mild ♪

[HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING]