Original subtitles

♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect

♪ Nothing to rearrange

♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling

♪ Like you need some kind of change

♪ No matter what the odds are this time

♪ Nothing's gonna stand in my way

♪ This flame in my heart like a long lost friend.

♪ Gives every dark street a light at the end.

♪ Standing tall

♪ On the wings of my dreams

♪ Rise and fall

♪ On the wings of my dream

♪ The rain and thunder

♪ The wind and haze

♪ I'm bound for better days

♪ It's my life and my dream

♪ Nothing's gonna stop me now

Well, it's gonna be a great party.

Okay, well, maybe next year.

Okay, bye-bye.

Okay, we're here, what's all the fuss about?

Larry, what's the matter?

What were you doing?

Ladies...

[CHUCKLES] Ladies...

Ladies...

We're gonna watch the horror movie marathon.

Oh, no thanks, I hate Halloween.

I don't like any holiday that condones

wearing orange and black together.

The real reason you don't wanna go

is because you're chicken.

[SCOFFS] I am not.

Oh, come on, you haven't showered alone since you saw Psycho.

Well...

Excuse me.

I have an advice column to write.

How about you, Harriette? I know you don't scare easily.

I don't scare at all, baby.

Well, so you'll be there?

Sorry, my mother-in-law's in town,

and why watch movie monsters when you can see the real thing?

No Harriette, no Lydia.

Cousin, guess who!

Oh, my goodness. Who can that be under that mask?

Uh, Mr. Gorpley?

No! Guess again.

Uh...

I don't know. I'll never get it.

Tell me who you are, Balki.

It's... Balki!

Ah! Oh!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I guess I'm one good Halloween player.

The best.

No. Oh, yes you are.

No. Yes, you are.

No. Yes, yes.

You know,

everyone's gonna love this at the party tonight.

But I'm not wearing this to the party tonight.

This is just my office costume.

Oh. Well, you might as well wear it

because no one from the office is coming to the party.

It's just us and Jennifer and Mary Anne.

No one else wants to watch the horror movie marathon.

Well, if nobody else wants to watch it,

why do we want to watch it?

Because horror is the fun part of Halloween.

Yeah, about that, cousin,

I still don't understand.

Why would anybody want to sit through

12 hours of horrible movies?

I could barely make it through Ishtar.

No, not horrible movies,

horror movies.

Movies that scare you to death.

I don't want to be scared to death.

Well, sure you do.

People love to be frightened.

[WOMAN SCREAMING ON TV]

[ALL SCREAM]

Well, I've had enough.

What? Me, too.

What? What, you can't go now.

We're only halfway through the marathon.

We've got three movies to go.

Six hours of watching scary movies is too much for me.

My head hurts, my stomach is all tied up in knots

and I think I'm getting hives.

Thanks for a lovely evening.

Oh, how about a little peck.

[GIGGLES]

Bye. Um, goodnight.

Bye. Goodbye.

Goodnight. Night.

Well, what's wrong with everybody?

They're just scary movies.

You know, you're right.

Who would be afraid of scary movies?

Look at this, they're gonna miss the best one,

Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

"Aliens take over the planet by replacing everybody

"with identical twins that they've grown

"in giant pods."

Oh, don't tell me you're scared, too.

Well, of course I'm not, don't be ridiculous.

I was just hoping for a little change of pace.

Well, if you want a change of pace,

let's watch this next one in the dark.

Don't do that.

Afraid of the dark?

No, I'm not.

Don't do that.

You are afraid of the dark.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. No, I'm not.

[SCREAMS]

Yes, I am.

Well, we don't have to watch it in the dark.

Well, I... I don't think we should watch it at all.

What's the matter, are you chicken?

In a manner of speaking.

Balki, these movies are just make believe.

Cousin, they are about bad people doing bad things.

And I believe they put bad thoughts in our heads.

But Balki, they're harmless.

They go in one eye and out the other.

Well, I don't want to watch anymore.

What's the matter? You're afraid you watch

too many horror movies it'll make you into a monster?

Well, I don't know what it make me into,

and I don't want to take any chances.

So I'm gonna go in there,

brush my teeth,

just to clear my head.

What planet are you from?

Ah, I guess I'm the only fun guy left.

MAN: [ON TV] Our horror movie marathon continues

withInvasionof the Body Snatchers.

[HUMMING]

[SCREAMS]

Morning, cousin.

Did you sleep well?

Well, I guess I can't scare you.

What, you got eyes in the back of your head?

Well, of course not, don't be ridiculous.

Your third button from the top is unbuttoned.

So, what are you making?

This is mach ba sik sik.

Pig stomach stuffed with head cheese.

And just a pinch of cardamom.

I thought we'd take some on our trip,

it travels so well.

We're taking a trip?

Well, yes, we're going to Mypos.

Didn't I tell you? No, you didn't tell me.

Well, I'll be snookered.

Balki, if you wanna take a trip like that,

we have to plan ahead.

We've got to check discount fares,

we've gotta coordinate vacation schedules.

I need a passport.

How did you do that?

Do what?

and set that on fire.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. No, didn't.

I saw it.

from an optical delusion.

Maybe you didn't get enough sleep last night.

No, I don't think so.

I'll stick with milk.

My stomach feels a little queasy

from all that junk I ate last night.

Your sik sik's still burning.

How did you do that?

Do what?

You made the milk stop and wait for you.

No, I didn't.

Balki, you... You turned away and then you...

Oh, wait a minute.

I know what's happening.

Very clever, what is it, magic tricks?

What, cousin, no, I don't know no magic tricks.

Very good.

Okay, okay, you win.

I apologize for what I did last night.

I will never, ever try to frighten you again.

Thank you, cousin.

Well, I think I'll just let

this mach ba sik sikcurdle.

Come on, cousin, let's go to work.

Sure, let's go to work.

Shall we take my car,

or are you just going to beam us over?

Oh, come on, cousin, you know on my salary

I can't afford a beemer.

Where do I come up with them?

Balki, a giant pod?

Oh, come on, Balki, this is going too far.

Balki.

Harriette, Lydia. Thank God you're here.

You're not gonna believe it. This morning,

I saw Balki walk through a door.

He made a carton of milk float in midair,

and he started a fire with his finger.

Let me smell your breath, baby.

[SNIFFS] Harriette.

I have not been drinking.

Uh, excuse me, Larry, but did you watch

all 12 hours of that horror movie marathon last night?

What's that got to do with anything?

now you're seeing weird things today.

You bet it could, cousin.

Why did you say that?

Say what?

You called me "cousin."

No, I didn't, baby.

Yes, you did.

I called you "baby," baby.

There's no way we're cousins.

Wait a minute.

You two seem...

Different.

You're just now noticing that?

Relax.

The next thing you know you'll be saying

to take us back to his home planet.

[BOTH CACKLING]

I'm going crazy.

Too many horror movies, that's gotta be it.

I just gotta relax.

Just gotta relax and think about something else.

The Bears, the Bears, how are the Bears doing?

"Planet Mypos discovered behind Pluto?"

Planet Mypos?

Hi, cousin.

Oh, just dropped in.

Well, you can't fool me anymore.

I know all about Mypos.

[GASPS]

Where were you?

I never left the room.

Well, maybe you won't be so glib after you read this.

You're right, cousin, I'm glibless.

But it was right on the front page.

Well, cousin, I think your mind is pulling your leg.

Oh, what's happening?

Why am I seeing things that aren't there?

I mean, what's a... What's a... What's a...

What's in that mail cart?

The mail.

It comes at this time every day.

That was a pod!

Now I get it.

The fire, the milk, walking through doors.

It's all coming together.

You are a strange visitor

from another planet who came to Earth

and who, disguised as Balki Bartokomous,

mild-mannered sheep herder,

is turning us all into Mypiots

so you can take us back to your planet.

Darn, you got me.

You mean it's true?

Yepper.

I may be an alien bent on world conquest,

but I'm no liar.

Cousin, you're gonna love Mypos.

The climate is perfect.

All men are created cousins,

and we've conquered cellulite.

I'm not going to another planet.

Oh, come on, cousin,

I... I always go where you want to go.

I don't want to go to Mypos. I'll never go to Mypos.

Cousin, you want to go to Mypos.

I want to go to Mypos.

When the mamaship gets here,

you'll be the first one in line.

When the mamaship gets here,

I'll be the first in line.

You'd say, "I do, I do!"

And when you say, "Who wants pig snout?"

I'll say...

I'll say...

I'll never eat pig snout!

You have a very strong will, Earth boy.

Balki, how can you do this to the Earth?

You used to be so nice.

Well, we Mypiots were nice for 6,000 years,

and then, one day, somebody suggested,

"Hey, why you don't watch scary movies?

"They just go in one eye and out the other."

Well, they checked in, but they didn't check out.

They set up housekeeping.

They begat bad thoughts

and those bad thoughts got together

and had little bad thoughts.

And those little bad thoughts

grew up into big bad thoughts.

And now, all we have

are big bad thoughts.

So, we're taking over the Earth.

Just for kicks!

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

Hello, Jennifer? It's Larry.

Drop whatever you're doing and get down here.

[KNOCK AT DOOR] Who is it?

It's Jennifer.

How did you get here so fast?

I have proof that Balki is from a planet called Mypos,

and they're taking over the Earth.

You've got to believe me.

You do?

Why?

No, no, don't let him in.

We've got to leave right now.

There's no hurry.

If we stay, we'll become Mypiots.

You're wearing a vest.

You're one of them.

ALL: Hi, cousin.

Going somewhere?

Time to go.

The mamaship is double-parked.

[ALL LAUGHING]

You mean he's changed you all into Mypiots?

ALL: Well, of course he has.

Don't be ridiculous.

Let me give you a hand, cousin.

You'll never take me.

Oh, come on, cousin.

Be one of us.

Put on the vest.

Alterations are free.

No, no, no, no!

Oh, oh!

No, get away.

Get away!

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Oh, no, oh, no!

ALL: [CHANTING] Cousin, cousin, cousin, cousin,

cousin, cousin, cousin...

LARRY: Get away! Cousin?

Get away! Cousin.

[GASPS]

How would that be possible?

You'll never put that vest on me.

But, cousin, I wasn't thinking of it.

It don't go with the knife in your chest.

What?

[GASPS]

I've got a knife in my chest.

Oh, that's great.

Oh.

I must have fallen asleep in front of the television.

Cousin, I think you were having a bad dream.

Oh, I was, and Balki, it was awful.

In my dream, you were from a planet called Mypos,

and you were taking over the Earth.

And that wasn't the awful part.

The awful part was that you were not nice.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Can you imagine that,

Balki Bartokomous, not nice?

[LAUGHING]

Balki?

Uh, just for argument's sake,

uh...

What would you do if a total stranger

came up to you on the street and took your money,

kicked you in the shins, and said,

"Your mama wears army boots"?

Well, um, if he, uh,

took my money,

I'd say, "Spend it wisely."

And if he kicked me in the shins,

I'd say, "You know, you should join a gym

"to find a more positive way of taking out aggression."

And if he says my mama wears army boots,

Then I say, "You've seen mama?

"How does she look?"

You are Balki.

[LAUGHS] Ow.

Boy...

Balki...

Whoa!

Balki,

I never want to have a nightmare like that again.

Observation. Hmm?

you wouldn't have had that bad dream.

Well, you know, ever since my parents

took me out of Fantasiacrying,

I've been trying to prove something.

But cousin, you did prove something.

then you have a nightmare.

Of course, the rest of us already knew that,

that's why you were watching them alone.

Well, that's the motto you live by.

Balki, what do you say next Halloween,

we just hand out candy to the kids

and call it a night?

Okay by me.

Now, how about this?

and you start to feel better.

Okay.

Boy, what a nightmare.

It was the craziest thing.

Every time I turned around,

you were gone.

Balki?

Cousin? Ah!