Original subtitles

["Mrs. Brown's Boys Theme Song"].

Ha ha ha ha!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs. Brown's Boys!

She's Mrs. Brown.

That's Mrs. Brown.

Oh, Mrs. Brown.

Look at all this!

Urgh!

Another week in them.

For God's sake, dirty clothes.

Dust and dirt everywhere.

I'm even getting a smell.

You need to tidy it up.

I'm talking about you, you wrinkled old camel-stroking.

I haven't been to the toilet in three days.

Oh, we'll get an Uber to take you there.

Hello there.

You're up very early.

Come on, come in.

You'll notice I'm not looking my usual beautiful self, but I...

This house is turning into the lost and found at Dublin Airport.

And who owns all this stuff? Not me!

I'm sorry, I'm just... I'm not sleeping great.

I go to bed at night, exhausted, barely able to get up the stairs.

But do I sleep? No.

And I worry about it.

Because I don't know what's wrong with me.

I spend the night tossing and turning.

My body wants to go to sleep, but my brain is going, No, feck off.

I know I should count myself lucky.

Just people my age who are out there,

they say goodnight to their loved ones and drift off to sleep.

The next person they see is... Oh, Jesus Christ.

Hiya, Mammy.

Turn off the fucking light.

No, wakey, wakey.

Bad sleep again last night?

Yes.

You need to do something about that.

I've tried, Kathy.

I've tried Brandy, Horlicks, the porn, the news channel.

You need to talk with Dr Flynn.

Kathy, I want to have a sleep.

I don't want to go into a fucking coma.

Where are you off to?

I'm meeting Sharon and Maria for breakfast down in the shopping centre.

Oh.

What?

You look awful, Mammy.

Good, because I feel it.

Can I do anything?

Well, you could gather up some of the clothes and put a wash on.

There's more in the wash basket there.

Oh, no, I just did me nails.

Kathy, I didn't ask you to take them down to the river and beat them on the rocks.

What's the rush? I'll do it later.

It's always that with you, Kathy, always later, even with sex.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Did I say that out loud? Yeah, I did, yeah.

Try it again.

It's always later with you.

Oh, right, I'm going to go, cos you're obviously in one of your moods.

I'll see you when I get back.

If I'm still here.

Mammy, will you call Dr Flynn?

He'll prescribe you something.

And before you know it, you'll be back to

normal and you can straighten this place out.

Oh, that's a family vacuum, by the way.

I won't be insulted if I see you using it.

How bad does the house have to get

before one of them decides to empty the dishwasher?

Or pull out the fucking bin?

Agnes.

What do you want now?

Call the doctor.

What's wrong with you now?

I haven't been to the toilet in three days.

Well, at 60 euro for a doctor's visit, you can hang on to it.

I haven't even the energy to go over and make myself a cup of tea.

I'm constipated.

No, you're not. You're just full of shit.

Hello, how do you do?

To speak to Dr Flynn, press 1.

Hello?

To leave a message for Dr Flynn, press 2.

Hello, Dr Flynn, this is Agnes Brown.

End of message.

Health service, my arse.

I've been on that phone for nearly a fucking hour.

Count yourself lucky, Agnes.

Winnie, there's people out there dying.

In the garden?

No, Winnie, at the bus stop.

Do you take sugar?

One, no, maybe two. What spoon? I'll do it myself.

Agnes.

What?

Promise you won't get upset.

Go on.

Your house.

What about it?

Well, it's looking a little bit grubby.

I'm aware of that.

Winnie, I am running on fumes.

I haven't time to scratch my arse, never mind clean the house.

Well, I could do that for you.

Clean my house?

No, scratch your arse.

No, Winnie, no.

I can do that myself, Winnie, no thank you.

I could do that for you, though. I could clean your house.

No, Winnie, no, don't, no.

And, Winnie, please, don't argue with me when I'm tired.

Or when I'm not tired.

Good morning, Mammy. Hey, Mr MacGougan.

Where are you going with that?

To the sitting room, by the looks of it.

Winnie, do you want that tea to go?

Go where?

Over your fucking lap.

There he is.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, just hold on there now.

Excuse me, Mario and Luigi.

Can I help you boys with something?

Oh, that'd be great, Mrs Brown. There's more boxes in the Van.

Well, they can fucking stay there.

Jamie, what's going on?

My lock-up has a leak, Ma.

I have to move me stuff out while Mark fixes it.

Well, why don't you put it in your own house?

Are you joking me?

Maria wouldn't have that, Ma.

She says it makes the place look cluttered.

Have I got a sign in me back saying Mrs Brown Storage?

There's more clutter now I have to deal with.

Well, you'd hardly notice it in here, Agnes.

And what can I do about it, Winnie? I'm exhausted.

Well, get the kids to help you out.

Bad chance with that.

Hello. Hello, son.

How are you, Ma? Hi, Mark.

How are you, Winnie? How are you, Mark?

Are you on your own?

Might as well be. Why?

Betty and that phone of hers.

What about it?

It's never out of hand, Ma.

Oh, come on, Mark. Calm down. It can't be that bad.

Hello, Betty. How are you?

Hi.

That's ridiculous. You see?

Facebook, Twitter, Instagram.

Taking over our life, it is.

Well, you should get her just to pick one.

Exactly, Winnie.

I recommend only fans.

I'm not even going to ask.

Betty nearly died this morning.

No. Yeah.

Stared at her phone.

Stepped out in front of a truck.

I saved her just in time.

You gobshite.

You could have been free.

How are you, Ma?

I haven't slept for a week.

Granddad doesn't give a shit.

And I mean that literally.

I can't get Dr Finn's clinic on the phone, the bastard.

Why is Betty on her phone so much?

Who knows, Winnie?

She said she's bored.

She was looking for a part-time job, but it didn't pan out.

Well, Agnes was looking for the cleaner.

Shut up, Winnie.

Mrs Brill, there's a really weird smell in there.

Weird?

Yeah, like something sour.

Oh, it's probably just Betty.

Sorry, what was that?

Nothing, nothing.

Betty, I wonder what you'd check as Granddad wet himself again.

Hashtag Granddad, hashtag piss, hashtag please.

Yeah, Cathy said you weren't sleeping well.

No.

And what did Dr Finn say?

I told you I couldn't get him.

But anyway, he needs to see Granddad too.

Well, listen, I just dropped around to grab some of my tools from the spare room.

For Dermot's job.

Take all your tools.

I have no room for them, Ma.

I've no room for them here either, Michael.

With Dermot's costumes, your tools, and whoever bastard owns that thing,

I haven't room to walk around my own house.

Do you want me to put my tools into the attic?

No, no, that's full of Cathy's boyfriend photographs.

Mrs Brown, Dr Finn's booked out for the afternoon,

but I managed to get you an appointment for tomorrow morning.

He'll take you at half ten.

Thank you.

Oh, and Barbara will be around later to do your hair.

That should cheer you up.

It will.

Did you do all that online?

Yeah.

Mark up in the car.

Okay.

What's for lunch, Ma?

Nothing.

Go on, Ma.

A little mixed grill.

Point two.

No.

It was for Mark, you'd cook it.

Dermot, I am exhausted, both physically and mentally.

Me house is a tip.

The garden's like a jungle,

even though you told me you'd cut the grass a month ago.

So excuse me if I don't jump up, grab the frying pan and kill the fatted calf.

No calf for me.

Well, what about beans on toast?

No, but you know what I could do if you don't get out of here?

I could do two stuffed chickens.

The cheek of them saying that I treat you different.

You're not hungry, are you?

Well, only if you have some sourdough bread.

Actually, I've no bread.

When you're down the shops, would you drop in...

Oh, look at the time, Ma. I'd better get me tools.

Did you ever have this sleeping thing before, Agnes?

No, well, you're nothing I can remember.

When I was younger, I often woke up grouchy,

but most of the time I just let him sleep on.

How are we?

Hello, Father.

Hello, Father Damien. What brings you round?

Trevor was telling me you were feeling a little bit under the weather.

Oh, news travels fast.

So, I thought I'd drop in a few supplies to keep you going.

Oh, thank you, Father. You're very kind.

Not at all.

Sure, didn't yourself and Winnie look after me when I had the Covid?

It was mostly me, though.

Nothing too fancy now. Just the staples.

Bread, milk, eggs, butter.

And... Chocolates, eclairs. You love them, Agnes.

Oh, me favourite.

The whole lot was just 8 euro 50.

Oh, you're very kind, Father.

There you go.

8 euro 50.

So it was.

On me, I suppose.

Oh, that's a nice treat. Thank you, Father.

Sure we'd have to have one?

Oh, thank you, Father.

Thank you, Father.

This is a lovely treat.

Did you want to say grace, Father?

Nah.

Oh, that's where I left my golf clubs.

This is gorgeous.

Expensive, though.

8 feckin' 50.

I think it might be love.

I'm delighted for you.

He's such a gentleman.

He's so romantic.

So honest and so decent.

So married.

Married too, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, here's a picture.

Is he working the butchers?

No.

He has a huge... No, Barbara.

Change the subject, love. Change the subject.

I believe you're not feeling well.

I'm just not sleeping.

Dr Flea is coming over tomorrow.

You need to mind yourself.

At your age, even a flu could be fatal.

To your health, like.

Thanks very much, Barbara.

How's things in Mushom Blow?

Oh, very slow.

The new salon chain, the shopping centre.

Swifty cut. Keep undercutting me prices.

Very hard to compete on your own.

On your own?

They poach the staff.

Then the staff poach the customers.

Ah, no.

What are you going to do about that?

I don't know.

We'll have to find a way to bring in customers, and soon.

But I don't even know where to start.

Yeah.

That all right for you, Mrs Brown?

It's fine.

Right, well, I'll see you, Anna.

I hope you feel better soon.

Barbara.

Yeah?

You are not on your own.

This family will support you 100%.

Thanks, Mrs Brown.

Hiya.

Hiya.

How are yous?

Hiya, Barbara.

Nice hair, Mammy.

Thank you.

Yours is nice, too.

Swifty cuts.

They had a deal.

20 euro for a blow-dry if you follow them on Facebook.

I am on me own.

Barbara.

Yeah?

Send me that photograph, will you?

Nothing like a bit of retail therapy to put a smile on a girl's face.

What did you get me?

Oh, sorry, Mammy.

I just got myself a few bits to wear to Foley's.

You're going to Foley's?

Yeah, tomorrow night.

Everybody is.

Do you want to come down?

No, no.

I'm going to stay in and have a bat.

So, what did you get, Maria?

What did you get more like?

You got something for me?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, you're very kind.

I bet you sent a text to say you needed a bit of minding.

I didn't realise you were unwell.

Dermot never mentioned anything.

Well, Dermot's been very busy.

Well, all these products are 100% natural.

What do they do?

Help you sleep.

Oh.

This is Valerian Root.

Now, you take this just before bed and you will sleep like a lamb.

Lamb?

Ha-ha.

Throw him out.

Try keeping your mouth shut.

And this stuff is great for helping you to relax if you're feeling a bit stressed.

Oh.

Three to four drops and it will mell you out completely.

Well, I have been feeling a bit stressed lately.

I'm going to ask my own family for help.

They're always too busy.

Well, I'm not too busy.

So, let's get you sorted.

Oh, thanks, Maria.

Now, where did I put those bath bombs?

Bath bombs?

Oh, you're fecking spoiling me now.

You should feel those drops working instantly.

I can feel it.

Nice, isn't it?

They sting a bit.

Oh, oh, that's just the coolness of the peppermint on your... your toes!

Toes?

Oh, hello, Dr. Flynn.

Agnes is in the kitchen, exhausted.

I'm doing the door for her.

Do you have all day?

No, actually, Grandad, I'm going to see Mrs. Brown first.

Ah.

You know what?

You must get a lot of that.

No comment.

Well, what seems to be the problem, Mrs. Brown?

Oh, my God!

What happened?

What we have here is a failure to communicate.

Is it painful?

What do you fucking think?

OK, close your eyes and open them again for me.

I can't close them.

This is worse than I thought.

Any other symptoms, Mrs. Brown?

I'm exhausted.

I'm tired day in, day out.

Oh, dear.

Why didn't you call me earlier?

I did call you.

It was an error on the fucking phone.

Just let me know if this is too tight, Mrs. Brown.

Oh, under any other circumstances, I'd love to hear that question.

OK, I'm going to test your reflexes.

OK.

Well, they seem to be OK.

So, what's wrong with me, Doctor?

I don't know where to start.

Well, that's not very reassuring.

You're fed up, Agnes.

What?

Well, your house is in a mess and the kids don't give you any help.

You care for everybody.

Oh, no.

When was the last time somebody cared for you?

OK, Mrs. Brown.

Here's a prescription for some sleeping tablets

and something for Grandad's constipation.

But in the meantime, I'm going to give you an injection.

It'll help you get some rest.

No, no, Doctor, no.

Not happening.

I don't do...

Done.

Done.

This better work.

Oh, it will.

And quite quickly, too.

OK, Grandad.

No.

No, Grandad, I've given Mrs. Brown a prescription for you to give you some relief.

Oh, and it's quite strong.

My advice to you would be to have one leg inside the toilet when she gives it to you.

Oh, hello, Dr Flynn.

Oh, goodbye, Mrs Nicholson.

Oh.

That injection's not working.

Agnes, give it a chance.

You know, you won't know yourself after a good night's rest.

Yeah, I suppose.

Oh, hello there.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Hello, Mrs Nicholson.

Oh, I'd best be off.

Now, you try and get some rest, Agnes.

Thanks, Winnie.

Oh, Agnes.

Your eyes are very puffy.

It's an allergy.

Oh, allergic to what?

Uninvited guests.

I do understand, but Winnie is your neighbour.

What can you do?

Hedley, I am on medication.

And I'm feeling very, very bad.

What do you want?

Well, where do I begin?

Right.

Well, Father Damien was very impressed with

my peaches and my cantaloupe are magnificent.

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

It's about the arrangements for this year's garden fate, you see.

I wondered, considering how much hard work goes into

the horticultural pursuits of so many people,

that perhaps this year we might make garden produce the main event.

OK.

Well, I'll leave you to think about it.

Fine.

Bye, then.

Isn't it weird to see Winnie and Foley's without Mammy?

It is.

How is your mother?

I think she's laying it on a bit.

She's saying now that it's affecting her balance.

Uh-oh.

I can't believe you tried to blind me, Mother.

Oh, I feel awful.

And so you should.

Me poor, defenceless, visually impaired Mammy.

Shut up, Dermot.

How does a nurse make a mistake like that?

I didn't put the drops in her eyes, she put them in herself.

But you gave her the drops.

You're only trying to help, Maria.

Is right, Betty.

And anyway, I don't think her eyesight's as bad as she says.

How are you?

How are you, Winnie?

How are you?

Maria was just filling us in.

Well, it sounds like you're all having a good laugh about it anyway.

I'm not.

Well, neither is Agnes.

Oh, stop, Winnie.

I'm sick.

That wasn't your fault, Maria.

At least you tried to help her.

Didn't see anybody else making an effort.

Mind you, Buster did drop in a big bunch of flowers.

And they weren't robbed.

Betty, you gave her a great lift with your kindness yesterday.

What?

Oh, aye?

And she's so happy having her hair done.

Er, I got the shopping.

Eight euro fifty.

At least you tried to do something, yeah.

Can I get you a drink, Winnie?

I know you're all right, son. I'm not staying.

Agnes is at home alone cooking dinner.

Twenty minutes at two fifty.

Tell Mrs B the cider's on me, Mammy.

Thanks, Shad and Love.

Agnes deserves a little treat.

Winnie, thanks for minding, Mammy.

Somebody has to, Cathy.

I mean, she cares for all of us.

Sad, really.

Youse won't appreciate her till she's gone.

Thanks for coming over, Barbara.

I got your text, Mrs Brown. Sounded urgent.

Is everything all right?

Yes, yes, yes. Everything's grand.

Just, I've had an idea of how to get more people into the salon.

Okay.

You need to set up a presence on all of the social medias.

Every platform, like Tiki Toki, Bicky Bucky, Newbie Tube,

and the one that Winnie recommended, Only Fans.

That sounds like a great idea, Mrs Brown.

But I don't know a thing about all that stuff.

But luckily enough, I know somebody who's great at that stuff.

And they come highly recommended.

By who?

Me.

Who is it?

Betty Brown.

She's born for it.

You're right. I'll call her.

You do that.

How's Grandad?

Oh, no movement yet.

He hates taking tablets.

So this is going to be a challenge.

Good God, Mrs Brown, you never swallow that.

No, no, this is a depository.

Coat up the other end.

I'm going to use this.

Why don't you use a pill puffer?

What's a pill puffer?

They use it for dogs and horses.

It's like a pipe.

You load the pill in, insert the pipe, and blow. Job done.

I could do that.

Right, well I'll see you.

See you, Barbara.

Pill puffer.

Very interesting.

Hiya, Bobby.

Good morning, Catty.

How are you feeling?

Oh, fantastic.

Oh, good. And your eyes?

Back to 1990 vision.

And I tell you, Catty, when it was bad,

if I had a spoon, I could have popped them out of their sockets.

I'm sorry I wasn't more helpful around the house, Mammy.

It wasn't fair on you.

Well, you've made up for it with all of this.

Well, it wasn't just me.

The boys were great too.

After Winnie's little pep talk, we had to do something to make it up to you.

Well, that's the garden gate fixed.

And I cut the grass and put the lawnmower away.

Hello, boys.

Hiya, Ma.

Sorry, Ma.

It's all right, son.

What's for breakfast, Ma?

Anything you want, Buster.

Really?

Hello, Catty.

No.

I feel like I slept for a week.

That's because you did, Mammy.

What?

I'm only joking, you witch.

Go on, go and get cleaned up.

I'm first in the shower.

I am too.

No, you're not.

Come on, lads, let's get back to work.

See you later, Ma.

See you later, boys.

What are you reading, Grandad?

The weather.

Well, I'm no meteorol... Meteol... Me...

Weatherwoman.

But I can tell you now, there's going to be a sharp breeze up the channel.

I need you to stand up and bend over the couch.

Good man.

That's it.

Yeah, yeah, good man.

Now drop your trousers.

Good man.

That's it, good man.

I'm glad that the family have, you know,

recognised and appreciated me.

You know,

you really should appreciate those in your lives.

who make you happy.

And show them that you love them.

It can be done very simply, you know.

With just a smile or a kiss.

Or a cup of tea.

Fire in the hole.

So, go on.

Put the kettle on for somebody you love.

I need to go to the toilet.