Original subtitles

♪ MTV ♪

Thank goodness you're home.

I really need you right now.

I dropped my ring down the drain.

Do you guys know how to--

Whoa.

Well, who was it?

It was like, um, a poptical illusion.

I thought it was that hot chick from downstairs

telling me that she really needs me right now.

No, Beavis, I'm sure that really

happened and wasn't a dream.

Oh, yeah.

We're never gonna score.

Yeah, really.

Damn landlord butthole again.

If I wanted to pay the rent, I would have done it already.

Yeah.

When's he gonna learn?

Whoa!

Um, Butt-Head, it's happening again.

I'm having that illusion. Come look.

Why'd you shut the door on me?

He doesn't have a big IQ, ma'am.

You know what the counselor said it was?

69.

Do you know anything about plumbing?

I dropped my mom's ring down the drain.

Don't you worry.

I think we know how to handle our pipes.

How about that?

Is the ring out?

Uh, not yet.

Let me try the plunger again.

And there we go.

I think it's working!

You guys can go home.

I called a real plumber.

Yeah, probably a good idea.

You know, let a pro deal with it, you know.

No, dumbass.

That hot chick needs us.

We're doing this.

Now I'm going to put my hand down the drain.

Uh-huh, yeah.

So whatever you do, don't turn on that garbage

disposal thing. - OK, got it.

Yeah.

Yeah, so turn it on then, right?

No, dumbass.

Do not turn it on.

OK.

Well, it seems kind of crazy, but, um, I'll do it.

Hold it right there, asswipes.

Get your goddamn hand out of that drain right now.

Todd?

It's really Todd.

♪ How it must feel to be a bird ♪

Ugh.

Is this guy Irish?

Oh, he's Irish, all right.

"I-rish" he would shut up and stop singing.

Yeah.

I think that was a dad joke, Butt-Head.

Uh, how would you know, Beavis?

You don't have a dad. - Oh, yeah.

That's true.

A dad joke for you would be like, "Beavis,

"I'm glad you're my son.

"I want to spend more time with you.

And everyone knows if I'm alive or dead."

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's pretty good.

Oh, boy.

Is this song ever gonna, like, speed up or something?

Uh, no.

I think it's getting slower.

I think I know what he's doing here.

See, it's really slow now, but it's just gonna

kick in any second, you know?

Yeah, yeah, here it comes. Yeah.

Dooo-do-do-do-do-do-do-doo!

Bo-bo bu-pah bu- pah, bu-tah! Boooh! Whooaa!

Drop the bass. Wooo-aahhh!

Boo-boo-boo-boo-wha boo-boo-boo-boo bah-bah

boo-boo-boo-boo bah-bah boo-boo-boo-boo bah-bah

boo-boo-boo-boo bah-bah boo-boo-boo-boo bah-bah!

♪ How does it feel to be a bird? ♪

Whaaaaa!

♪ And I'm tellin' you home is so sweet ♪

Um, no.

I guess I was wrong.

Uh, I think now there's less bass.

He didn't drop anything.

Yeah, I guess not. Oh, boy.

♪ That's what she asked me ♪

This guy looks like one of those guys

where, like, his dad wanted him to learn to box

and become a fighter, but he wanted

to sit around and write poems.

His dad was right.

Yeah, yeah, really.

He was like...

"No, dad, I don't want

"to learn to fight.

My words are my fists."

And then his dad was like...

"Well, my fists are my fists."

And then he punched him in the face.

Whoa.

Is he doing laundry now?

Yeah.

He wet the bed.

"Quit your whimpering and your whining

"and do some laundry!

"Your sheets need a good washin'.

"You've been in there spanking your wee monkey,

Dermot Kennedy."

You know, this is, like, the most bad that it

could possibly be, you know?

Yeah.

He, like, showed the video to his friends,

and they were like, "Uh, Dermot, this kind of sucks."

And then he was like, "Kind of?

"Well, just watch me.

"I'm gonna make it suck harder than anything

has ever sucked before."

"More birds.

More shots of the water." - Yeah.

"And no drums.

"If I hear the sound of one drum, I'm gonna

punch you with my words."

Yeah.

♪ When I'm face to face with death ♪

♪ I'll grab his throat ♪

Self-expression sucks.

Yeah.

So, do you remember that time you threw us in your trunk

by the railroad tracks?

No.

Uh, do you remember when you threw us in your trunk

at the pool?

No.

What about the time you threw us in your trunk by the creek?

Do you remember that one?

Huh.

I guess I do remember messing with a couple of losers

who were always in my face.

Yes! Yes! He remembers us!

Those were the happiest times of our lives.

And there it is.

Philena!

Got something for you.

Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you, Todd.

Thank you.

I'll get my checkbook.

Whoa.

How'd you do that?

Easy, man.

I pull some chick's ring out of her drain

just about every damn day.

And they always hug you like that?

- And that ain't all they do. - Whoa.

Really? We want to be plumbers.

Yes.

Teach us, Todd.

Teach us the way of the pipe.

You know, maybe I do owe you for all the crap

I did back in the day.

They call it bullying now, I guess.

Yeah, bullying is cool. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm doing a job on Fifth and Green.

Be there tomorrow, and you can start your education.

Beavis, Todd is going to turn us into plumbers.

And then we will score.

Pipe.

By the end of the day, we can test the hookup to the street.

Todd! Hey, Todd!

Hey, Todd! Hey, it's us.

Yeah, Todd. We got here early.

So when do we start scoring?

Got no time to screw around, asswipes.

We gotta lay a lot of pipe today.

Shut up.

OK, I'll walk you through this.

First, we're gonna cut some 2-inch holes.

"Hole."

I said shut up!

Sorry, Todd.

You're, like, so cool that sometimes when you say things,

I like, get distracted--

Jesus Christ, you dumbass!

Put that down now!

You know what?

I got a better job for you two.

So what I need you two dickheads to do

is go down there, find the shit pipe, and clean it out.

- Really? - Whoa.

You'd trust us with that?

Fair warning.

You're going to find all kinds of excrement--

and I do mean all kinds,

plus motor oil, congealed fat,

razor blades, things of this nature.

Usually, we use a rooter, but this job calls for bare hands.

- Makes sense to me. - Yeah, sounds right.

Yeah.

Goggles off, gloves off.

Take your time.

Make sure you touch everything.

We will, Todd.

You can count on us.

I can't believe we're doing this on day one.

Yep.

This kicks ass.

It's really something, you know.

Ooh, there's some excrement.

Wow, Butt-Head.

This must be what plumbers smell like.

That's right.

When chicks get a whiff of this, they're gonna go crazy.

Ooh, yeah.

Bad news, pussies.

Since you guys went in the shit pipe,

there's been a downturn in the plumbing business.

You're fired.

Well, at least we helped you out, you know.

Uh, you didn't.

I just made you touch a lot of shit.

Cool. But you're gonna pay us, right?

No, I'm not gonna do that.

Yeah, Beavis.

He's not gonna do that.

Dumbass.

I got a better idea.

Just like old times, you know?

Yeah.

Makes me feel young again.

Yeah, and it was nice reconnecting

with him and stuff, you know.

It was a pretty good day, you know.

It was the best day of my life.