Original subtitles

How easy can it be to love when you acutally find love?

When you have been frightened by that feeling for so long ...

He loves me

Hermes Pittakos

Sanuye Shoteka

Leave the city

I was too afraid to leave the city.

It felt like I would miss out on life even if I left just for a while.

I hated my life at the time.

I was feeling numb and stranded for months.

You said that there is this beautiful beach in this place.

You were here once before.

It would do us good to experience something beautiful.

It would be peaceful and calm.

I was wondering if this was a test.

Bringing us to this place.

To see how it would be if we were all alone together surrounded by beauty.

Would it stop me from blaming you for everything I lacked?

Maybe

You wanted to break up with me.

If we can't enjoy love in this place, then it's over.

I was willing to do my best to make it work.

Even though it was difficult not to share my sadness.

I was following you.

I wasn't expecting anything.

It was only when I dived into that clear water.

that I realized how much I had missed this.

I felt moments of happiness.

As if all was good again.

And I was glad to be there with you.

Suddenly

new thopughts came into my head,

new plans for the future.

Making plans is my favorite thing.

Something I stopped doing in the city.

As most of them failed one by one.

Destroyed.

I remember the first time I saw you.

In that café you used to work.

I was too shy to say anything.

I asked everyone about you.

But you were with someone else at the time.

So was I.

It took us a while to connect.

Until a bit later when we were both free.

We went on a date.

It was summer.

We were both so cute in our little shorts.

We went to an open air cinema,

but we barely saw any of the film.

We kept on staring at each other.

We held hands.

We didn't care what the people would think

in our small provincial town.

We made each other cry that night.

It was a relief

to believe that I had finally found someone

to love.

We both needed that

so badly.

We didn't know if we were good for each other.

But we didn't care.

The feeling was too strong.

We had found one another.

We were so innocent and naive back then.

I fell in love with you almost instantly because you looked so good.

But that was just first impressions.

Later I felt that you were real.

You gave yourself to me completely.

No questions asked.

And I did the same.

We got addicted to each other.

We lost ourselves in our union.

Sex with you was incredible.

It was intense and emotionally powerful.

But the best thing was waking up next to you.

Looking into your eyes in the morning.

We've made each day count.

As we got used to each other, though,

my insecurities took over.

I lost control.

And I dragged you down with me.

my imperfections

At the beginning it was like a game.

I had to have you.

I was at my best behaviour.

But when I had you something changed.

You treated me with love and respect

and I couldn't manipulate you as I normally did in relationships.

I had to let go of my insecurities and weaknesses

and treat you with the same respect that I apply to myself.

I wasn't ready.

I couldn't see myself ever being ready.

It required me to be perfect.

Like you were.

But I wasn't.

I was far from perfect.

And instead of aspiring to be

I pushed myself in the opposite direction.

I turned against you.

Against us.

I couldn't stand our differences.

You were so balanced

and I wasn't.

This was how I felt.

But my imperfections didn't matter so much to you.

I couldn't resist your love.

I loved you.

But I could never relax with you.

I wanted to enjoy

and be a part of your free spirited nature.

I wanted to embrace the beauty of what surrounded us,

the way you did.

But I wasn't pure

any more.

Everytime we argued it should have been our undoing.

??? by the arguments we used to have.

Who could forgive everything we had said to hurt each other.

All these horrible things I said

just to spite you.

Pushing you away, so I didn't have to feel guilty for all the damage I was responsible for.

How selfish of me to make you feel bad.

For your career choices.

Only because mine wasn't going anywhere.

But every fight

Was followed by honest tears,

endless embraces,

amazing sex

and magical

intimate moments.

Even still,

They couldn't take away the emptiness

I felt inside.

There was trust

that one day it will all be good.

That we would make it better.

You used to say that you believe in the beauty in me.

Underneath an ugly

broken façade.

I was innocent.

How could I not want to be with you.

I used to make fun of you for saying such things, but deep down

I loved it.

And I knew you were right.

You were often right.

But I couldn't always admit it.

When we argued it used to be so detailed about what was wrong with my choices,

my work,

my friends,

my lifestyle.

And that gave me fuel to be angry at you

and not myself.

I was focusing on proving you wrong

rather than admitting that you had a point

and accept your offer to help me.

You were pushing my buttons in an obvious almost childish way you thought it would help me.

But it didn't.

It only made it worse.

The last thing I wanted was for my awful life to be constantly ridiculed by the man I love.

But

you are also young.

We didn't know.

Regardless.

Talking to you always felt right.

When you were not so judgmental

you had good answers for all my stupid questions.

You often knew what was best.

Even though I always had to be opposed to what you had to say.

That was because I didn't want to admit that you knew me better than I knew myself.

But in the end

I was quietly following your advice

and I was spending hours thinking about your words

which I loved

so much.

I wish I had your childhood

I often used to wonder what do you do when I'm not there.

I was jealous of you

but I never showed it.

Everyone loved you.

And how could they not.

You always had a nice thing to say about everyone.

Always cheerful.

Always positive.

Your connection to the world was a mystery to me.

We grew up in a completely different way.

You come from a healthy place.

I wish I had your childhood.

I used to blame you for going out at night with me.

Taking drugs,

flirting,

clubbing.

But it was innocent fun for you.

It seemed like there were no consequences.

For me

it was an obsession,

an addiction.

I couldn't escape it.

I was expecting you to do something about it,

to stop me.

To save me from myself.

And to some degree you did.

You were always there for me.

You let me play my game,

waiting for me to get it out of my system.

But I couldn't stop.

I often used to think that I had these needs because you weren't the right guy for me me.

That the right guy

would stop the need for reassurance.

He would fill the void.

His love would solve everything.

But later I realized that nobody could have done that.

A boyfriend is someone you love.

Not someone you use in order to heal your wounds.

That is something one has to do for oneself.

And usually this knowledge comes

when you reach the lowest level.

Which was exactly the depth to which I was heading.

Before you

I could party hard and feel good about myself.

You turned all that upside down.

Being with you

felt like a struggle.

You never said much.

But the meaning was clear.

What you meant

was that I was doing it all wrong.

You knew that I felt guilty for who I was.

Who I had become.

It was hard to be at one with myself.

Especially when I had to prove myself to you at the same time.

We didn't have the same needs.

If it hadn't been for me I don't know how often you would go out

or take drugs or experiment with boys.

You did it for me.

To be with me.

You made me face my shit.

I know you saw and loved the good things in me.

You wanted me to be myself.

To be good

as I used to be.

To be the best.

You were telling me a story about your trip to Thailand.

Describing the similarities of the physical and emotional landscape.

I knew you were on that trip with a guy.

I knew it because you told me once before.

All you really wanted was to start a conversation

because we had been silent for so long.

I thought

that you were trying to make a point or something.

That it had been better with him because we were not having such an amazing time together.

But of course

you would never do that.

You just wanted to talk about Thailand.

I felt threatened again.

It wasn't your fault.

But overly dramatic as always

I got up and went back to the tent,

leaving you all by yourself.

... so I brought him home

I hadn't slept well the night before.

I started thinking about what we had left behind.

I knew that if I could switch off and engage with my new surroundings

I would be able to make myself feel better,

develop more productive thoughts,

have fun.

On the surface

I did what you were doing.

Lying on the beach, soaking up the sun,

trying to wind down.

But the calm down seemed impossible.

There was nothing oppressive in the environment surrounding me.

There was no valid reason for me to worry about anything.

But I was worried.

Last winter was a mess.

I was obsessed with the idea that I wasn't good enough for you.

Or basically for anything at all.

I had to find ways to be able to stand next to you.

Instead of working harder,

trying harder,

I trapped myself into a lifestyle of vices.

I wanted you to cheat on me,

so I could blame you for something.

I wanted you to fail, so we could be even.

I was pushing me to it.

Too foolish to think that my flirting would make you do something like that.

You couldn't understand what was going on with me.

I wasn't making any sense.

I let you think

that your confusion to see what I mean

was your own inability to understand me.

I couldn't help but thinking about that night.

The night at our place.

We spent all our money on drugs and I invited that guy to party with us.

I fancied him and I know you liked him too.

You had seen him at that play he was in

and he wouldn't stop talking about how good he was as an actor.

It had already been a year of fighting,

drugs and lack of money.

I thought you were looking around.

I wasn't sure what you did.

If you did anything at all.

I could see you were getting tired of us,

but your love never went away.

You were always there.

Why did you love me?

After a point I was nothing but cruel to you.

I knew I loved you too, but could you feel it?

I took you for granted.

You would never leave me, so I allowed myself to make more mistakes.

So

I brought him home.

We had discussed trying things with other guys because

we'd never tried it

and all our friends were doing it.

Our monogamy was always a joke for our gay friends.

Even though nobody believed us since I was so slutty when I was out partying.

But the truth is

that apart from fooling around.

I had never slept with anyone.

And deep down I was sure you didn't either.

No matter how much I was trying to kill my romantic side,

I didn't succeed.

But in the world we frequented,

the scene we were part of,

it was easy to try something that feels completely opposite to your beliefs.

Opposite to who you are.

I remember it was horrible.

And dirty.

We were so messed up.

I started it all.

I asked him to turn.

He was staring at me.

I couldn't look at you.

We didn't touch each other.

That wasn't us.

It was already morning.

I had to go to work.

He stayed with you in bed.

I walked the streets convinced

you fucked him after I left.

I wanted you to have fucked him

so I could blame you for everything.

I couldn't bear the thought of accusing myself.

I couldn't bear the thought of you fucking him.

I couldn't bear any of it.

Even when we were in bed the night before,

too high to even fuck properly,

I thought we were touching each other romantically,

feeling each other, connecting.

Something changed after that night.

We lost something.

I stopped feeling you.

I felt

so alone.

Darkness

After my long walk

I laid outside of our tent trying to get rid of my thoughts.

You sat next to me.

I guess you were wondering where I was.

I wasn't going to refer to that awful night.

We had already talked about it so much.

I couldn't do this to you again.

I said,

I wasn't feeling so good.

I couldn't tell you how I hated seeing your clarity of mind in comparison to my own clouded mentality,

nor that my mind was going in circles about thoughts and incidents we had already dealt with in the past.

I went on again about my worries regarding money,

career, all of that,

but it was a lie.

They were important issues,

but they didn't really matter at the time.

They were only the result of the real problem I was facing,

we were facing

which was

me,

basically.

It was hard for me to make sense of most things.

I was almost entirely driven by my emotions.

I was sad.

Selfish.

Insecure.

And enslaved by my vices.

The damage of my upbringing was showing.

All these years hiding,

lying,

pretending,

being afraid to love,

being scared

that love won't be enough,

that I would end up alone.

It fucks you up when you're a kid.

It fucks you up for life.

Changing scenery wouldn't make it better.

It actually made it more clear

how fucked up I was.

You tried to cheer me up,

telling me how talented I am.

Rationalizing all the reasons why I'm still not successful in my work,

why I'm still struggling.

I was honest about my feelings.

I felt even worse here in the landscape than I had felt in the city.

It wasn't life in the city anymore to put all the blame.

It was all

me.

I failed

to be affected by the beauty.

Your efforts to make me feel better had failed.

Did I kill our love that night?

It was pure,

old fashioned.

And I modernized it.

Did I kill it

by inviting him in?

Is this thehe thought that I can't get over?

Where should I focus?

The cause of my depression

or the consequence?

I wasn't that strong.

Maybe that night with a guy was too much.

We crossed the line.

I couldn't let it go.

I felt betrayed.

But I couldn't say it.

And I couldn't allow myself to feel this way.

It was like I was discovering that I was gay

when I was little.

I didn't want to feel this way.

It hurt.

But it was a truth.

For some time I couldn't understand how you let it happen.

I was out of control, but you weren't.

There must have been some pleasure you were taking out of a decadent lifestyle.

I was still blaming you for it.

But I was the one to blame.

What a mess we were in.

I invite the darkness one more time.

Even

here.

All I really wanted was you

This place

couldn't be more beautiful.

But I still managed to ruin it for both of us.

Being surrounded by people only made me feel more alone.

I finally managed to get us to the edge.

And it felt real because

it was quiet.

We were not fighting

or screaming at each other.

We were actually kind to each other.

As if it was really over.

I could feel the cold reality of intense insecurity creeping in.

I couldn't take you for granted anymore.

I felt so

desperately alone.

And vulnerable.

I felt

so guilty that I was ruining this for you.

I know you left me for a while so you could stop pretending that things would be better.

I really didn't deserve you.

You were gone for a couple of hours.

You took your phone,

so I guessed you wanted to call home

or a friend to talk to.

Someone other than me to seek comfort,

to communicate.

I didn't even think about doing the same.

I wanted to be lost.

I had nothing to say to anyone

anymore,

except for you.

But while you are away it was easy for me to go back into my self-destructive mind,

assuming you are out there flirting.

My loneliness turned into madness.

I asked if you would rather be there with someone else.

You got so upset.

It was so immature of me to even ask you the question.

Of course you would say no.

And I understand that now.

You did love me.

You wouldn't rather be there with anyone else but me.

The destructive part of me wanted to end all this.

Or maybe

it was to make it more dramatic,

pushing it all to the edge,

falling back into my old habits.

It was never my fault.

Always loud and dramatic and shouting and screaming,

so I can get the attention,

so I can escape from my misery and boredom.

I told you that I was thinking about that night,

that I couldn't forget about it,

that I didn't understand how you could.

How you could be so carefree.

You had already explained to me how you felt after that night.

I said

we should break up.

It was my attempt to hurt you.

And your being upset would have been my reward.

I wanted you to say no,

to reassure me it wasn't over,

that you loved me,

to object to my suggestion that we should break up,

to get upset and fight for me.

I wanted to be dramatic.

I needed the attention.

But

you didn't say anything.

You walked away.

You left me alone.

You didn't fall into the trap.

You came back.

But I didn't have the balls to approach you.

I still wanted you to chase me.

Seriously,

how did I actually think that I deserved any of this?

I went to see the sunset, being sure that you would follow me

and that the beauty of the landscape would work some magic.

Perhaps

we would be okay somehow.

The thought of losing you was too strong.

You quietly explained

that you wanted to think about it,

to think about us.

Since things haven't improved,

then maybe we would be better apart, you said.

Maybe

being together was sabotaging our efforts for happiness.

I got so scared.

I never wanted to be away from you.

All I really wanted

was you.

He loves me

I was staring at the sea for a long time waiting for you to come back and explain why we should break up.

I knew that you would be right regardless of what you say.

I was looking at the sea.

And it was like meditating.

My thoughts became the image in front of my eyes and everything was dark.

And then you came back.

you know what ...

It took a lot of courage for you to do that.

It would have been easy to just walk away and enjoy yourself,

be free,

find someone new.

But I knew that you were not with me because you were afraid to be alone.

You were actually with me because you did love me

in a magical way.

We were different.

Different characters,

different backgrounds.

But what we have in common is that we feel the same way.

Logically it makes no sense to be together.

But our hearts have become one.

You said it didn't matter if I give you grief,

if I am in trouble.

I will grow out of it.

Families always stick together, so

we are family?

This is real.

I stayed in the water for a long time.

So I can look even better for you.

In the water

I felt like I was allowed to be a little boy again.

Your little boy.

I loved everything that was in front of my eyes again.

Because you were there

I felt

connected.

I could feel you again.

The same emotions I felt when I first met you.

The same ones as when I was a child.

I felt so safe.

The landscape changed into something incredible.

I could see it all now.

It was peaceful.

Time didn't matter.

I didn't think I could feel like this without drugs.

That's how love feels like.

These moments of love will stay forever.

You and I alone

on our beach

looking at the sun going down.

I was happy.

Our Paradise

We stayed longer.

Not sure how much longer.

I was too lost in us to be concerned about time.

I know that place and the time we spent there had something to do with your decision.

You embraced it all, all those wondrous elements of nature that can have a positive effect on a human being.

I could see you absorbing it,

inhaling it,

the water

the fresh air,

the unbelievable beauty surrounding us.

So many times I look back at that summer

and I think that I exaggerate.

Maybe it wasn't as pure as I remember.

Perhaps you stayed for selfish reasons.

Life isn't always as sweet we remember it.

There is always a struggle with reality.

But it was sweet.

It was romantic.

It was wonderful.

You turned the darkness into light.

And we couldn't have been in a better place to find a way back to one another.

The island had become our paradise.

For once, after a very long time,

I wanted to experience the moment.

I allowed myself to feel again.

In the process,

in that future I refused to look to,

I lost you.

But the love

never went away.

I had a long path ahead of me to get better.

And I still have much to do.

But I will forever be grateful to you for showing me the way,

pushing me to make the right turn.

That summer

when you were supposed to walk away

but instead

you stayed.

Engl. subtitles: serdar202@Kg 2023