Original subtitles

(MultiCom Jingle)

(magical music)

(twinkling sounds)

- And earthworms don't have any eyes

and they can grow up to four feet long.

Also, if you cut them in half,

they still wriggle around for a real long time, watch.

- That's fine, Brenda.

(class groaning)

Very good report.

Okay, let's see, who's next?

Melissa.

The Secret World of Fairies by Melissa Nightingale.

Since the beginning of time,

they have been called many names,

People in the Hills, wee-folk, little ones.

- Just a moment.

Melissa, this is science class.

- I know.

- And what is science?

Yes, Brenda?

- The study of observable facts.

- Observable facts.

Now, why do you think scientists can't observe fairies?

- Because they're too little and they fly too fast.

(class laughing)

- That's enough.

Melissa, sit down, please.

We'll discuss this after class.

I said sit down.

I will not put up with this fanciful nonsense.

- The crickets ceased their chirping,

the owls stopped their hooting,

and a hush fell over the forest like never before.

Then, the enchanted forest grew very still

and suddenly, there was a light, a new bright light,

so bright, it was almost dazzling.

- What's dazzling?

- It's a wondrous light, so brilliant you can barely see.

- Like when they take our picture at school

and they use a flash.

- Well, it's a bit more magical

than a school photo, sweetheart.

- Got it.

- So, the fairy princess knew her time on earth

was almost over even though she wanted to stay.

She began to float higher and higher right up into the sky

and that night, a new star appeared in the heavens,

a star so bright, it was almost--

- Dazzling.

- Got it.

- The fairy died in the end.

- Well, fairies don't die, sweetheart.

They become new stars, always up there,

shining, watching over us.

- Do you think there's a new star up there for mommy?

- I'm sure there is, Melissa.

- Is that why you sometimes go outside and night

and just stare at the sky?

- Goodnight, my darling.

- [Melissa] Goodnight, daddy.

- She's a great kid.

- Smart, too.

- Fairies Die at Dawn.

Tom?

Fairies Die at Dawn?

- Okay, it's a little dark.

- Dark?

I read it, I put it down, I wanted to kill myself.

Tom, you're a successful author of children's books,

you can't have fairies being squashed like bugs,

you'll drive all of the kids into therapy,

and while we're on the subject--

- What subject?

- Therapy.

- Ben.

- Listen, Tom.

I'm not just your publisher, I'm your friend,

I'm worried about you.

Now, take a look at yourself,

you haven't been outside the house for months.

When was the last time you had a shave?

- Probably, oh, I don't know.

- It has been 16 months since Kelly died.

Coincidentally, the same amount of time

since you have actually handed in

anything that I can actually publish,

do you see a connection?

Now, Tommy, it's time you got your life back onto track

and killing the fairies that lay the golden eggs

is not the way to do it.

- Well, maybe I should get a second opinion.

- Am I interrupting something?

- Do you remember my son Mark?

He's helping me around the office.

- Hello, Mark.

- Hi.

- I thought I asked you to wait in the car.

- Chill, dad, your mobile rang.

- [Ben] Who was it?

- Some dude named Clancy.

- Tom Clancy?

- Yeah, I told him you'd call back

when you weren't so busy.

Cool book, man.

I really dug the part where the fairy gets wasted

by the fly swatter.

- It's for the best, trust me.

(car rumbling)

(tires screeching)

- Hi, Mr. Nightingale?

- Yes.

- Miranda Martinet.

Melissa's teacher.

I didn't see you at the parent's conference last week.

- Oh.

I don't get out much.

Do you want me to call Melissa?

- Actually, I came to see you.

- Really?

We can talk in my office, I suppose.

Won't you come in?

- Fine.

- This way.

How about some coffee?

- No, thank you.

I'd rather get straight to the point.

I think there might be a problem with your daughter.

- Oh.

- Yes, in my opinion, Melissa is,

well, obsessed with fairies.

- On second though, Miss?

Why don't we go into the living room?

Good.

- Her obsession.

You were saying?

- Fairies, Mr. Nightingale, fairies.

I think she has an unhealthy obsession.

- Fairies.

- Now, I have nothing against a vivid imagination

especially in a child, but this was in science class.

Are you all right?

- Do go on.

(suspenseful melody)

- She seems to always live in a world of fairies and elves.

- Fairies and elves, yeah?

Anything I can do?

(ornament chiming)

- I've been meaning to get rid of that.

(birds chirping)

- Little Women, how little are they?

- Regular size.

I think it's just time that we read something...

Without fairies.

- Miss Martinet told you to do this, didn't she?

- Little Women, chapter one.

(twinkling)

"Christmas won't be Christmas

"without any presents," grumbled Jo lying on the rug.

"It's so dreadful to be poor," sighed Meg

looking down at her old dress.

"I don't think it's fair for some girls

"to have plenty of pretty things

"and other girls nothing at all," added little Amy

with an injured sniff.

"We've got father and mother and each other,"

said Beth contentedly from her corner.

The four young faces on which the firelight shone

brightened at the cheerful words,

but darkened again as Jo said sadly,

"We haven't got father

"and shall not have him for a long time."

She didn't say perhaps never, but each silently added it

thinking of father far away where the fighting was.

Nobody spoke for a minute.

Then, Meg said in an altered tone,

"You know the reason Mother proposed

"not having any presents this Christmas

"was because it is going to be a hard winter for everyone

"and she thinks we--

(Melissa yawning)

Excuse me, are we bored or just tired?

Bored, I mean, tired, dad, real tired.

- Yeah, I think it's time to go to sleep.

- Goodnight, dad.

- Goodnight, my darling.

But you're not going to escape Little Women.

(fairy screaming)

(dog whimpering)

- Great.

(dog panting)

(knocking)

- Daddy!

Someone at the door.

Maybe it's the queen of fairies.

- I doubt it, my life isn't that exciting.

- Hi.

- Good evening.

- I'm one of your biggest fans.

- Well, thank you.

- Daddy.

Who is it?

- Melissa, honey, it's nobody.

Go back to sleep.

Hello, Ben?

- [Ben] Yes? - It's me.

- [Ben] Tom?

(Tom stammering)

- [Ben] What's the matter, are you all right?

- No, no, I'm fine, it's just that,

hold on a second, will you?

- [Ben] Tom, are you there?

- I think you'd better come over.

- [Ben] At this hour?

- If you would.

- [Ben] Tom.

- In fact, definitely, come over here right now.

Hello, miss?

Do you have a name?

- Crystal.

- Crystal?

- Crystal?

- Excellent.

- And she had no identification?

- Ben, she was naked, where would she keep her purse?

- We could look for identifying marks or tattoos.

- All right, here's what we're gonna do.

You'll let her sleep here tonight.

- Here?

- And tomorrow morning, you're gonna wake her up,

give her a cup of coffee, and send her on her way.

(Crystal gasping)

- Fluffy, stop it.

- [Crystal] No, get away.

- Or we could take her to the hospital right now.

- Cool.

- Maybe she could wear this.

- Melissa.

I thought you were asleep.

- She's very pretty.

- All right, we got some night clothes.

Who's gonna put them on her?

- I'm not positive,

but it looks like focal retrograde amnesia.

- Focal what?

- It's commonly known as temporary amnesia.

She's hit her head, she's lost her memory.

- Great.

If I may, doctor, Crystal, you must remember something.

What is the last thing you recall?

- I remember sitting on your couch without any clothes on.

- Amnesia, you were right,

she doesn't know what she's saying.

- Yes, I do,

and then you gave me your wife's pajamas to wear.

- And how are you feeling now?

- Now?

I feel fine.

- Fine?

She feels fine.

That's all she needs, is just a little time

to remember who she is.

- That's right.

You don't have to worry about a thing,

you'll be all right in a couple of days, you'll see.

- Good news, so I'll be off then.

- Thank you.

I'm sorry if I caused any problems.

- Oh, not at all.

In fact, here.

That's me, if you need anything.

- Thank you, I'll manage.

- I think we'll have to keep her under observation

for a couple of days.

- Is she gonna be all right?

- Crystal? - Yeah.

- She'll be fine.

Maybe things can start getting back to normal around here.

- [Melissa] Daddy!

(otherworldly whirring)

(Gnomes muttering)

- How do I look?

- In those clothes, a right moron, how do I look?

- Just the same.

- You'd think whoever designs gnome costumes

have a little bit better dress sense.

- Aye.

- I'm gonna call in.

- Okay.

- Oddkin and Bodkin, Fairy Nest,

transition to mortal world complete, request supply drop,

coordinates Charlie, three, zero, bravo, six.

I repeat, Charlie, three, zero, bravo, six, over.

Correction, bravo, seven.

Styrofoam, I hate styrofoam.

That's what I call class.

Wow. - Wow.

- [Collector] Hello, sunshine.

- Who are you?

- You don't remember?

I suppose I should feel offended, but I don't.

I know who you are.

- You do?

- They call me the Collector.

In exactly one week from today, you're mine.

- This is Bodkin as of 0100 hours.

Yesterday, a fairy failed to report in.

Currently believed to be about five foot eight,

wingless, large in the world.

- Five foot eight, that's big.

- And wandering among mortals,

our job is to find her and bring her back.

- Hey.

- What do you got?

- Fresh footprints.

Been here, all right.

Most recently.

- All right, let's go.

And what your step, it's horse manure.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Morning, miss.

- Morning.

- I'm looking for a young lady,

we've reason to believe

that she was brought in her this morning.

- Name?

- Oddkin.

- No, not your name, you fool, the patient's name.

She's our sister, she's suffering from amnesia.

- Name?

- We forget.

- She's your sister and you can't remember her name.

- Amnesia, it runs in the family.

- Ah, there it is.

Trauma unit.

Discharged this morning.

Thank you.

- Thank you, miss.

- Look, Tom, I'm just trying to make some sense

of the whole thing.

A strange woman appears on your doorstep

in the middle of the night,

she's completely naked, she faints in your arms,

and you don't think it's odd

she uses your place to do it at.

- Well, she wasn't completely naked, she was wearing--

- Yeah, first thing you noticed, right?

- Jack Daniels, no ice?

- No, I'm on duty here, maybe have it with ice.

- Where'd you find it?

- Slipped my hand under the cushion on your couch,

sorry, old habit.

You think it's worth anything?

- I doubt it, but maybe it'll jog her memory.

- You can give it to her when you see her.

- You know, I don't believe this amnesia line for a moment,

she's probably a demented fan

or some kind of New Age wacko,

knocked herself out dancing naked around those

rocks in your woods.

- They're stones, Druid stones.

- Whatever.

- Jim, look.

I don't know who she is, where she came from,

or what she's doing here,

but frankly, I don't care

because you see, she's no longer my problem, she's yours.

- Crystal!

- Hi!

The door was open.

I hope you don't mind, but you said--

- Did they, did they discharge you?

- No.

But I was scared, there was...

- Crystal, excuse me, this is Jim Murdoch.

- Oh, hello.

- Hello.

- It's Chief Inspector Jim Murdoch.

- You're not a collector, are you?

- No, no.

Inspector.

- He's trying to find out who you are.

- I'm not feeling very well,

I think I'm going to be sick.

- Oh-Oh, here we go again.

- Oh.

- This way.

(horse whinnying)

- Call me if anything crops up.

In the meantime, I'll check the missing persons files,

see what we can come up with.

- Good, please do.

- Trust me.

She's either a wacko or a fruitcake.

- Thank you.

- So, how are we doing in here?

- I'm sorry.

- Well, that's not necessary.

This is yours, I believe.

- Oh, I knew I must've left it here.

- So, tell me.

What else do you remember, Crystal?

Things

drift in and out, but nothing makes sense,

everything seems strange, so big and loud.

- I think it's best if I got you back to the hospital.

- No!

I've got my pendant, that's all I came for, I'll be fine.

- But you can't go, can she, daddy?

- I don't want to be anymore trouble.

- She's no trouble, is she, daddy?

She can stay, can't she?

She'll feel better tomorrow, won't you?

- We don't have much for dinner.

We're not very big on cooking around here.

- That's all right, I'll do the cooking.

- She'll do the cooking.

(upbeat music)

- Let's do it.

- Okay, let's go, you're coming with us.

- Who are you?

- We don't want any trouble, we know who you are,

so just grab your things,

come quietly back with us to Fairyland.

- And don't even think of flying away.

- No.

- So, she wants to play rough.

- Look, if you two perverts,

don't vacate my premises in two seconds,

I am gonna call the cops.

- Oh, really, and what are they going to do?

- Yeah?

- Just make yourself at home.

- Staying long, boys?

- I'm famished.

- So am I.

- What's this?

- Dinner.

- Roses, petunias?

Where's the chicken?

(bell ringing)

- Oh!

I'll clean it up in the morning.

- She'll clean it up, daddy, everything.

(rooster crowing)

(Tom coughing)

(Tom humming)

- Good morning.

Do you like it?

I couldn't sleep, so I cleaned up.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- What is it?

- I made it in the...

- Blender?

- What's in it?

- Lots of things.

Peanut butter, cherries, dandelions,

milk, and cherry pits,

and some yellow stuff that was in a jar.

- She likes to make things in the kitchen.

- I'll make some more.

- Tell me you found out something.

- I've checked with everyone I know.

Everyone I know knows nothing, she's a phantom, Tom,

a woman without a past.

Look on the bright side,

she's an interesting woman.

- To you, she may be interesting,

but to me, the word is weird.

It's like she's from another planet.

I mean, she's smart, she's funny.

- She's beautiful.

- But she's weird.

- This isn't bad.

- Steady. - Steady.

Come on, come on.

- That would be cheating.

- The Collector.

- What are you doing here?

- Can't an old friend stop by for a visit?

- Who says you're a friend?

- Yeah?

- Then consider this a little warning.

Stay away from the fairy who calls herself Crystal.

She's mine.

- You know the rules, you can't touch her unless we fail.

- And we've still got five days left.

- Five days, one hour, and 37 minutes to be exact.

Why make things difficult for yourselves?

Enjoy a few days in the mortal world,

see a movie, eat a few cheeseburgers.

- No chance, besides, you don't scare us.

- Nah.

(Oddkin blowing raspberries)

- [Collector] Why not?

Enjoy your time in jail.

- Oh, yeah, well, we're getting out of here.

- Yeah, and when we do--

- No, you're not.

I've arranged for your stay to be a little longer.

- What did you do?

- I am so embarrassed.

Why didn't you tell me who you are?

Tom Nightingale, of course, your daughter loves fairies.

I baked you cake.

- You shouldn't have.

- They told me everything at the school,

I hope you don't mind.

A successful author and

recently widowed,

oh, Tom, it hasn't been easy.

- Well.

- I, too, have known the loss of a loved one.

- Your husband.

- My cat Pookie.

Oh, Tom, I know what it's like.

You and Melissa up here on your own,

you must get terribly lonely.

- Hi, daddy, hi, Ms. Martinet.

- Hello, sweetheart.

- Hi.

- I think we spent all your money.

- Oh.

This is Ms. Minuet.

- Martinet.

- Hi.

- And you are?

- I'm staying in Tom's bedroom

until we find out who I am.

- She's from out of town.

Crystal, why don't we take the parcels in, shall we?

(owls hooting)

(Tom snoring)

- Daddy.

Daddy!

- [Tom] What?

- Crystal is gone!

- About time.

- Daddy, you don't mean that, I saw her,

she's walking into the woods.

- Druid stones.

One of the reasons I bought the property.

How did you know they were here?

- I didn't.

- It's said they possess some sort of magical powers.

- Maybe they'll help me remember who I am.

It's strange.

- What is?

- Everything seems familiar yet

different.

It's almost as if...

- As if what, go on.

- As if I belong here.

I'm scared, Tom.

I'm trying to remember, but everything's so confused.

There's something else, something evil following me,

everywhere, even now, I can feel its presence.

- Crystal.

- I don't have much time.

(clock ticking)

- What do you want for breakfast?

- Okay, one more time.

- Come sit down on this bed flowers.

I stick roses on your bed and kiss your great big ears.

- Where's Peaseblossom?

- Here I am.

- Scratch my head, Peaseblossom, where's Mr. Cobweb?

(Miranda clapping)

- All right, children, it's looking very good.

Remember, dress rehearsals in two days.

- Well done, sweetheart.

- You were wonderful.

- Hello, Tom.

Crystal.

- A Midsummer Night's Dream, interesting choice.

- Yes, I know, fairies.

Well, I never said I had anything against them,

just not in science class.

Besides, Melissa makes a splendid Peaseblossom.

Do you know Shakespeare, Crystal?

- No, I haven't met him yet.

- Well, we better get going.

- Oh, Tom, could I have a minute in private?

Have a seat.

Now, Tom.

I know you're a very private person,

but there is something I have to discuss with you.

How long have you known her?

- Four days, I suppose.

- And what do you know about her?

- She has amnesia.

- Good.

And what was she wearing when you first saw her?

- Wearing?

Nothing.

- Exactly.

Now, who showed up at your house

the day after she arrived?

- You did?

- Come on, Tom, you know this.

- The police.

- Yes.

Crystal plus amnesia plus nude

plus police divided by four equals...

Danger, Tom.

Danger.

Oh, sure.

I can understand why you might find her attractive,

but trust me, Tom.

It won't last.

What you need is someone stable.

You need

is someone who understands you,

someone who knows Shakespeare,

someone who can educate you in lessons of love.

- Miss Martinet.

- Please, call me Miranda.

- Hey, are you going...

- We can explain.

I can explain.

- No, thanks, I'm not hungry.

- I can see your upset.

- Upset?

Why should I be upset?

- Well, I think

what you thought you saw

wasn't what you think you thought you were seeing.

- You mean, Ms. Martinet.

I'm not upset about Ms. Martinet.

- You're not?

- No, I just assumed it was the custom

for single men to fall onto the floor

and touch lips with their daughter's teacher

in science class.

- Oh, is that what I did?

Fine, really, well, while we're talking about me,

maybe we can discuss you afterwards.

- What about me?

- You can't seem to keep your hands

off any man who comes near you.

- Hello, chief inspector, how are you, chief inspector,

so nice to see you, chief inspector,

and the waiter and that cab driver.

- I was just being friendly.

Maybe you should try it sometime.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- There's a whole world out there, Tom,

a real world with real people

and you're locked away in your study

with all your fairies and your elves.

- Have you got something against fairies and elves?

Those fairies and elves put food on the table

and yes, to write my books, I have to stay in my study,

but you don't like my study.

Fine, then stay out of it.

- I will.

- Why stop there?

Why don't you stay out of my bedroom?

That way, I won't have to sleep on the couch, you can,

and stay out of my kitchen,

and then of course,

I won't have to suffer

through another night of flowers al dente

and while we're about it,

why don't you just stay out of my life?

(somber melody)

Crystal!

Crystal!

- Why did you follow me?

- Well, for one, you took my car.

- Oh.

- Also.

I wasn't sure, quite frankly, that you knew how to drive.

- Well, it's not that hard,

you put your foot in the square thing

and you turn the big circle.

- The steering wheel, right?

- Look.

Crystal.

Why don't you let me take you back

and I'll give you a lesson in the morning,

how does that sound?

- Is that your wife?

In the photograph.

- Yes.

- You loved her very much.

- Yes.

Yes, I did.

- Do you think there's someone out there

that could ever love me that much?

You know, it's almost funny,

in a different way, we have the same problem.

You can't forget and I can't remember.

Whoops.

- Whatever you do, don't let go.

Okay, when I count to three,

you're going to climb up the wall.

One.

Two.

Three.

- Can I ask you a question?

- Yeah.

- When you park a car,

how do you make sure it stays exactly where you put it?

- You use the handbrake.

- Oh.

(Crystal and Tom laughing)

- I used to like this job.

Time was a fairy would come down to the real world,

have a few fun days, then we'd take them back, no big deal.

- Things have changed.

Fairies like it here, they don't want to go home.

In fact, wouldn't mind staying here

for a little while myself.

- We're in jail, you numskull.

- I mean, when we get out.

- And we are getting out.

If the Collector thinks he's going to beat us,

he's got another thing coming, two can play at this game.

- Careful not to wake her.

(electricity crackling)

- Hello, big boy.

- How did you find me?

- Sooner or later, I find all of you.

- I'll go back with you.

- I'm afraid it's too late for that.

(beads jingling)

- Anybody there?

Who are you?

Hey, what you think you're doing?

It's all right.

There's no rush.

Stay as long as you like.

- Sorry for the mix-up, boys,

looks like someone's been messing around with our computers.

You're free to go.

Just don't let me see you back here again.

- Told you we were innocent.

- [People] Surprise.

(people cheering and laughing)

- Isn't it wonderful, daddy?

It was Crystal's idea.

A surprise birthday party with characters from your books.

Happy birthday.

(dance music playing)

- Happy birthday, you old devil.

- Cheers.

- You look like a new man.

What's your secret?

- Wow, these are delicious, what's in them?

- Oh, these, they're daffodil hearts, tree sap,

and sun-dried snail shells.

- Cool.

- Happy birthday, Tom.

My offer still stands, call me.

- What do you think?

- I get a definite family values vibe.

- Just hope he still finds time to write.

- Daffodil heart?

- Oh, boy, it's a freaking fairy convention.

- Yeah.

- Sis, is that really you?

- Sis!

- Sis!

Sis, mum and dad's been worried sick about ya,

but now we've found you and we're a family again, let's go.

- Crystal, you going somewhere?

Wait a minute, excuse me, what's going on?

Who are these individuals?

Do you even know them?

- Of course she knows us, we're from...

- Fairy--

- Very far away, very far away from here, see ya.

- Hang on, wait a minute, hey, you're not going anywhere.

Let go, let go of her.

- Let go of her.

- Yeah, this is family business.

- What is this, a joke?

- You two!

- Oh-Oh. - Oh-oh.

Other than that,

I thought it was a really good party.

- You would.

- Hey.

Five more minutes, Fluffy.

- Daddy.

Guess what?

You're not going to believe this?

- I remember everything.

- Ben.

You're not going to believe this?

She's a fairy.

- Don't you mean she's still wearing her costume?

- No, no, no, forget about the costume.

Crystal is a fairy.

- Oh, you mean, she's like gay.

- No, Mark, I mean that she's an honest to goodness fairy.

- What do you mean, like Tinkerbell?

And she?

- You've got it.

- You really had me going there for a minute.

- Tom.

Are you telling us that Crystal is a real live fairy

with magical powers?

- Precisely.

- Tom, I begged you to get therapy.

- Aren't fairies supposed to be like this big?

- Listen.

She was floating around in my back garden

and she hit her head on a tree

and she automatically grew to life-size.

Now, this apparently is a fairy fail-safe mechanism

and that the pendant that she wears around her neck,

that is the source of all of her magical power,

and that is not all, Ben.

Remember those two little men

that came to the party last night?

- Crystal's brothers.

- They're not her brothers.

They are Oddkin and Bodkin, they're my garden gnomes.

They're really private detectives.

They've come here to take her back to Fairyland.

They don't like it when fairies try to leave.

- We believe you, Tom.

- You do?

- Yes, of course.

In fact, if we go inside,

perhaps we can get Crystal

to show us a little of her fairy magic.

- Okay, but her powers are a little weak right now,

so don't expect too much.

- Oh, we won't.

- [Tom] You've been gone a long time.

- I like this place.

It's a good place to think.

- I didn't know fairies could cry.

You know, you may be more mortal than you think.

Crystal.

I want you to stay here with me and Melissa.

We could be together.

- [Crystal] I can't.

- Of course you can, why not?

- Don't you think I want to?

Tom, I love you.

I'd do anything to be with you and Melissa,

but I'm out of time, I've got to go back.

- Well then, just tell your friends you're staying.

- It's not that simple, there are rules.

- Then use your power.

- All the magic in the world can't help me now.

- [Tom] Crystal.

- No, you don't understand, you could be in danger.

If I don't go back with Oddkin and Bodkin by tomorrow night,

he'll come for me.

- Who will?

- The Collector?

- And who is he?

Who's the Collector?

- Good news, boys, you're getting out,

someone posted your bail.

- Oh, yeah, who?

- Tom. - Tom.

- Fries.

- No, thanks.

- Are you gonna eat that pickle or what?

- Why, do you want it?

- No, I don't like pickle.

- Then why do you want to know

what I'm going to do with me pickle

- Excuse me.

The deal was I was to supply you with cheeseburgers,

you in turn would answer my questions.

- Okay, go on, man, shoot.

- Good.

First off, is it possible for a fairy

to stay in the mortal world?

- I suppose you mean Crystal.

- Of course.

- She'll be lucky if they let her back again.

Oh, I see.

- What?

- He's in love with her.

- [Oddkin] You think so?

- Yeah, look.

Look at his face, it's written all over his face.

- Oh, yeah.

- Question number two, who is the Collector?

The Collector, who is he?

- Don't even think about it?

Nobody stops the Collector.

He's the bounty hunter from the World of Darkness

and when he goes after a missing fairy, he never gives up.

Sorry, kid, if Crystal's not back by tomorrow night,

when the moon's at its zenith,

the Collector will find her and reduce her to essence

and let me tell you for a fairy that means death.

- But there must be a way.

- There is.

- Quiet, you birdbrain.

- What are you saying?

- Don't listen to him, he's full of fairy dust.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, look, look, look, look,

look, hang on, there is supposed to be a ritual

where a fairy can be turned into a mortal,

but it's dangerous and that's all I know, honest.

- Thank you.

I owe you one.

- You gonna eat that pickle or what?

- No, I'm gonna dance with it.

- All right, are you ready?

- I certainly am.

- Presenting one of the leading lights in school theatre,

the star of A Midsummer Night's Dream,

Miss Melissa Nightingale.

- Ta-Da.

How do I look?

- Wow.

Come here.

Oh, my.

Two of the most beautiful fairies in the world

and they're with me.

- I don't know.

Something seems to be missing.

I've got it.

- It looks just like the real one.

I love you.

Come on, Crystal, hurry.

- I don't want to leave you.

- I'll meet you at the school, trust me.

Good, you're right on time.

What do we got here?

- Good luck tonight.

- You're supposed to say break a leg.

- Why would I want you to break your leg?

- You never say good luck to an actor, it's bad luck.

Don't worry,

you have plenty of time to learn about these things,

I'll teach you.

- Melissa.

There's something I have to tell you.

- [Miranda] Okay, everybody, backstage please.

- I've got to go, can we talk later?

- Sure, I love you.

Break your leg.

- I think I've got it.

Listen to this.

According to Celtic legend,

a fairy can indeed become mortal.

There has to be an ancient ceremony performed

on the night of the full moon.

- That's tonight.

- It has to take place in a sacred place,

something mystical.

- The Druid stones.

- Here's a list of what you might need,

some wild herbs, bark, candles.

- This is extraordinary, I can do it all.

- There's more.

For the spell to truly work,

the fairy has to perform a selfless act of love.

- Selfless act of love.

- We'll have to figure that one out.

- Tom. there's one more thing, man.

According to this, if the fairy becomes mortal,

she loses all her magical powers.

- That's fine.

- And her memory, she won't remember anyone or anything

even the person she loves.

(fun upbeat music)

- 10 seconds.

Curtain.

(audience clapping)

Music.

(audience laughing)

Get off, get off.

- Let's go.

- Away, fairies, away, we cannot stay here any longer.

- Sweet fairy queen,

we shall return at a better place and time.

- Yes, a better place, a better time than now or here

where we'll find the day lurks inside the gloom,

if I may speak my mind, but hurry now, away begone.

Oh, woodland creatures, everyone.

- Farewell, farewell, we'll meet--

- It's time.

- Sorry.

- Farewell, farewell, no longer must we dwell.

- Brenda, that's your cue, okay.

- Melissa.

I'm going back.

- Now?

- I have to.

- What an enchanted evening this has been.

- If we shadows have offended,

think, but this, all is mended, farewell.

- Daddy, I flew.

- I saw you, my darling.

You were flying.

- Still don't believe in fairies?

- I don't understand, you didn't go back.

- I couldn't, Melissa needed me.

- Well, we're both very, very grateful.

What's the matter, Crystal?

- [Melissa] Daddy, let's go.

- No, we're going this way, quick march, come on.

Crystal, let's go.

(thunder rumbling)

Come on, hurry.

You okay?

- Yes.

- You puny little man,

you dare to challenge the might of the Collector?

- Leave him alone.

I'm the one you want.

- Crystal.

Yes, you are.

This won't take long.

- Don't you ever give up?

- Yeah, you're just our size.

Collect this.

- Uh-Oh. - Uh-oh.

- Time to go home, Crystal.

- No, don't you hurt her.

- Now, what do we have here?

Two for the price of one.

- Melissa.

- No!

- Smash the pendant.

- No!

No!

- Daddy, do something.

- Crystal.

Crystal.

Crystal.

You mustn't leave us.

- Magic.

Never.

Stop.

Believing.

- With all the gnomes are doing this morning just that one,

yes, the gnomes and pixies and elves and goblins.

Gentle fairies, kind elfmen, come join us today.

They're polishing their little boots, each and every one.

La-la-la.

Gentle fairies, kind elfmen, come join us--

- Ms. Martinet?

- Day.

- [Headmaster] We need to speak.

- Headmaster, oh, it's wonderful.

Hello.

Oh, it's wonderful, I see, fairies are real, did you know?

- Yes.

- Yeah, do you?

You don't understand I've seen them.

I've seen them, they're everywhere.

- Mad, quite mad.

I hear it's your biggest selling book yet, congratulations.

- Well, thank you.

- [Brenda] Hi, Melissa.

- Hi, Brenda.

- Have you heard the news?

We've got a new science teacher.

- Where?

- Crystal!

Daddy!

- Tom?

Are you all right?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

Wait a minute.

Crystal, you said Tom, you know who I am.

- I have a feeling this is going to be a really great year.

- Boy, did we break all the rules.

Not only did we give her back her magic,

we also gave her back her memory.

- Well, you know me, a sucker for a happy ending.

- Yeah, me too.

Well, what are we gonna do now?

Go back to Fairyland?

- No.

Tell you what,

let's go for a couple of cheeseburgers.

- What a splendid idea.

Lead on, sir.

My tummy awaits.

- You and your tummy, Oddkin.

You know, I've just been thinking,

a couple of smart guys like us

could probably start our own detective agency.

- Yeah.

- A small office,

a dame to answer the phone,

and ba-da-bing, we're in business.

- Yeah.

The Oddkin-Bodkin Detective Agency.

- Oh, no, I was thinking more

Bodkin and Associates.

- Who's the associate?

- Well, you.

- Me, why me, why am I the associate?

- It's a very important position being an associate,

you'll nearly earn as much money as me.

- Hey, hey, hang on a minute, hang on, hang on,

that's not right, you know?

- [Bodkin] Why?

- Well, I'm an inch taller than you.

- [Bodkin] Well, size has nothing to do with it.

I mean, you're wider than me.

- Hey, that's it, bring my stomach into it.

- It's not me who eats three cheeseburgers all at once.

- [Oddkin] Yeah, but what about that pickle?

- [Bodkin] But you don't like pickles.

- [Oddkin] I know I don't like pickles.

- [Bodkin] Then why do you have to keep talking about

pickles all the time?

- [Oddkin] Tell me when.

- [Bodkin] Look, Oddkin.

You stick with me and the world will be your oyster.

- [Oddkin] Ugh, I don't like oysters.

- [Bodkin] Ugh, get that cricket bat, go on.

We'll have a game over here, come on.

Come on.

Now, here we go now.

See the little dog, there we go.

Seriously, Oddkin, get it.

- [Oddkin] I'm not getting that.

- [Bodkin] Oh, come on, don't give me that,

you're going after it.

- [Oddkin] I'd never get there.