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1
00:00:02,020 --> 00:00:04,340
Oh. We had sex! No.
How could you do this to me?
2
00:00:04,340 --> 00:00:07,100
It was a mistake.
It probably won't happen again.
3
00:00:08,140 --> 00:00:09,420
He was my husband first.
4
00:00:09,420 --> 00:00:12,860
That didn't stop you
jumping into bed with him
like some chavvy slag!
5
00:00:12,860 --> 00:00:15,820
Why, Gaz? I thought you
and Donna were finished?
6
00:00:15,820 --> 00:00:17,660
So did I.
7
00:00:17,660 --> 00:00:21,140
So who's it going to be?
It's up to you, Gaz.
8
00:00:21,140 --> 00:00:22,980
Oh, Jesus!
9
00:00:25,020 --> 00:00:26,820
I love you.
10
00:00:26,820 --> 00:00:28,420
It's always been you.
11
00:00:28,420 --> 00:00:30,020
DONNA SOBS
12
00:00:30,020 --> 00:00:34,460
This programme contains
some strong language
13
00:00:34,460 --> 00:00:37,140
# Hey, mister bartender
Give me a drink
14
00:00:37,140 --> 00:00:41,700
# I wanna cold wet glass
With bubbles in it
15
00:00:43,340 --> 00:00:47,340
# And that doesn't mean I can't
Handle anything stronger now
16
00:00:47,340 --> 00:00:49,140
# Just think I'll wait a while
17
00:00:49,140 --> 00:00:53,380
# I'll have a pint of lager, please
18
00:00:53,380 --> 00:00:56,220
# And a pack of flakies! #
19
00:01:06,220 --> 00:01:07,780
Gaz, sweetheart
20
00:01:09,540 --> 00:01:10,580
I wish you'd told me
21
00:01:10,580 --> 00:01:14,180
you were going to drop into a coma
four days after we got back together.
22
00:01:14,180 --> 00:01:15,860
I could have booked a holiday.
23
00:01:18,140 --> 00:01:19,620
Wake up.
24
00:01:21,020 --> 00:01:22,260
Wake up.
25
00:01:23,780 --> 00:01:26,700
The superbugs are coming to get you!
26
00:01:28,220 --> 00:01:30,660
They're going to eat your foreskin.
27
00:01:32,140 --> 00:01:34,580
You know, in Australian soap operas,
28
00:01:34,580 --> 00:01:37,780
being in a coma just meant
you were going to release a record.
29
00:01:37,780 --> 00:01:41,020
Or go and do a pantomime in Whitby.
30
00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,220
To be honest,
you are wasting your time
31
00:01:44,220 --> 00:01:46,700
using it to repair
a serious back injury.
32
00:01:46,700 --> 00:01:48,580
You could have met Biggins.
33
00:01:48,580 --> 00:01:49,820
Or Chegwin.
34
00:01:49,820 --> 00:01:53,860
I know, what about a game of...
35
00:01:55,140 --> 00:01:57,060
..Volleyball?
36
00:01:57,060 --> 00:01:58,100
Shot!
37
00:02:00,380 --> 00:02:02,740
Oh Gary! Please wake up.
38
00:02:02,740 --> 00:02:07,820
The children are simply devastated
without you. They need their father.
39
00:02:07,820 --> 00:02:10,980
If Hermione is to attend
the gymkhana for Whitsun...
40
00:02:13,820 --> 00:02:16,580
See, they treat you better
if they think you're posh.
41
00:02:16,580 --> 00:02:20,500
That's why I've been wiping you
with the free perfume samples
from the magazines.
42
00:02:21,940 --> 00:02:24,940
So, buggalogs,
when are you going to wake up then?
43
00:02:24,940 --> 00:02:27,860
When are we going to find out
if your spine's knackered,
44
00:02:27,860 --> 00:02:30,700
if you're going to be walking
or wheeling out of here?
45
00:02:31,900 --> 00:02:33,460
Or neither.
46
00:02:33,460 --> 00:02:37,220
Look, I know I don't believe
in God or anything,
47
00:02:37,220 --> 00:02:41,500
but He's probably a bit more
communicative than you,
you ignorant twat.
48
00:02:41,500 --> 00:02:45,060
So, I'm going to talk to Him
for a sec.
49
00:02:47,900 --> 00:02:49,020
Oi, God!
50
00:02:49,020 --> 00:02:51,980
Can I have my boyfriend back, please?
51
00:02:51,980 --> 00:02:53,340
Come on!
52
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:55,980
You made Miley Cyrus happen,
you owe me.
53
00:02:58,820 --> 00:03:00,820
OK, I'll do a deal with you.
54
00:03:00,820 --> 00:03:02,660
If you give me Gaz back,
55
00:03:02,660 --> 00:03:06,780
I promise I'll look
after him for ever.
56
00:03:06,780 --> 00:03:10,820
No matter what happens,
I'll take whatever consequences,
57
00:03:10,820 --> 00:03:13,340
just give him back to me, please?
58
00:03:15,580 --> 00:03:20,300
Yeah, well, ta very much God,
if that's your real name.
Great help you are!
59
00:03:27,020 --> 00:03:30,060
"When Mr Bilbo Baggins
of Bag End announced
60
00:03:30,060 --> 00:03:34,220
"that he would shortly be celebrating
his eleventy-first birthday..."
61
00:03:34,220 --> 00:03:36,180
Oh, for God's sakes.
62
00:03:47,660 --> 00:03:50,740
"Then, shouldering their burdens,
they set off,
63
00:03:50,740 --> 00:03:55,980
"seeking a path that would bring them
over the grey hills of the Emyn Muil,
64
00:03:55,980 --> 00:03:59,420
"down into the Land of Shadow.
65
00:03:59,420 --> 00:04:01,580
"The end."
66
00:04:01,580 --> 00:04:03,380
How long have you been there?
67
00:04:03,380 --> 00:04:04,980
All night!
68
00:04:04,980 --> 00:04:07,780
You fell asleep.
69
00:04:07,780 --> 00:04:09,940
So no more trolls and shit.
70
00:04:09,940 --> 00:04:12,060
What happened to the Hobbits?
71
00:04:12,060 --> 00:04:14,500
Well, Sam went to college.
72
00:04:14,500 --> 00:04:16,740
And got a lady auk pregnant.
73
00:04:17,740 --> 00:04:19,380
Freddo joined a cult.
74
00:04:19,380 --> 00:04:23,620
And Bobo had a partial sex change.
75
00:04:23,620 --> 00:04:25,860
It was pretty intense.
76
00:04:25,860 --> 00:04:27,820
What happened to Gandalf?
77
00:04:27,820 --> 00:04:29,620
Dead.
78
00:04:29,620 --> 00:04:30,780
Choked on a peanut.
79
00:04:30,780 --> 00:04:33,220
I think that's why Sam
went off the rails.
80
00:04:35,180 --> 00:04:37,300
Donna, I really appreciate this.
81
00:04:37,300 --> 00:04:40,060
You being here night after night.
82
00:04:40,060 --> 00:04:42,100
Reading to me and bringing me stuff.
83
00:04:43,420 --> 00:04:45,060
I mean, after you know...
84
00:04:45,060 --> 00:04:47,660
Look, Gaz, I don't want to
dwell on the past any more.
85
00:04:47,660 --> 00:04:50,220
Neither do I. I just want to
get on with our lives.
86
00:04:50,220 --> 00:04:52,820
Well, Dr Unpronounceable will be
here in a mo with your scan.
87
00:04:52,820 --> 00:04:56,220
Fingers crossed we can get you
out of here today. That's a shame.
88
00:04:56,220 --> 00:04:58,780
I started fancying
one of the nurses as well!
89
00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:03,540
A couple of very embarrassing
sponge bath stories. Pardon?
90
00:05:07,420 --> 00:05:11,460
You're quite literally the stupidest
man in the world, aren't you?
91
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:17,340
Donna? I didn't know you were there.
Was I talking in my sleep again?
92
00:05:17,340 --> 00:05:18,940
Good save.
93
00:05:18,940 --> 00:05:21,380
Aye. Who's stupid now, eh?
94
00:05:21,380 --> 00:05:22,980
Still you.
95
00:05:22,980 --> 00:05:26,460
Come on then, let's get out of here.
Wait, wait, wait! Hold on, Gaz.
96
00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:29,580
Dr Unpronounceable said
not to get out of bed till
he'd given you the all-clear.
97
00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:31,420
We don't know what's going on
with your spine.
98
00:05:31,420 --> 00:05:33,220
I'm leaving this bloody place today.
99
00:05:33,220 --> 00:05:38,260
You've got no idea how boring
it is being in hospital. Oh, I do!
100
00:05:38,260 --> 00:05:40,180
You go try and find someone.
101
00:05:40,180 --> 00:05:42,900
Unless you want to make a start
on the Two Towers.
102
00:05:42,900 --> 00:05:44,620
Yeah, I'll go and get someone.
103
00:05:47,940 --> 00:05:50,380
Master of cunning!
104
00:05:51,420 --> 00:05:53,460
Ah, oh, I'm stiff.
105
00:05:53,460 --> 00:05:55,460
Ooh, stiff! Yeah! ha!
106
00:05:58,540 --> 00:05:59,580
Ahhhh!
107
00:05:59,580 --> 00:06:01,140
Argh!
108
00:06:01,140 --> 00:06:03,140
Donna!
109
00:06:03,420 --> 00:06:05,180
Donna!
110
00:06:06,460 --> 00:06:07,700
Donna!
111
00:06:09,700 --> 00:06:11,820
I'm leaving this bloody place today.
112
00:06:11,820 --> 00:06:16,340
You've got no idea how boring it is
being in hospital. Oh, I do!
113
00:06:16,340 --> 00:06:18,900
Fine, you go and try
and find someone.
114
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:21,420
Unless you want make a start
on the Two Towers?
115
00:06:21,420 --> 00:06:23,340
Yeah, I'll go and get someone.
116
00:06:23,340 --> 00:06:24,380
Yeah.
117
00:06:26,340 --> 00:06:28,500
Master of cunning!
118
00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:30,060
He he!
119
00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:33,780
Don...
120
00:06:35,060 --> 00:06:37,140
There's no Bobo
in Lord Of The Rings.
121
00:06:49,940 --> 00:06:51,980
THEY GIGGLE
122
00:06:54,540 --> 00:06:56,860
Welcome home!
123
00:06:56,860 --> 00:06:58,300
Oh, it's good to be back.
124
00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:02,740
Well, I like what you've done
with the place. Why, thank you, sir.
125
00:07:02,740 --> 00:07:05,780
I had to make a few changes when I
knew I'd have an invalid joining me.
126
00:07:05,780 --> 00:07:07,860
It looks pretty similar to me.
127
00:07:07,860 --> 00:07:09,580
Uh-uh-uh.
128
00:07:11,220 --> 00:07:12,700
Oh, Donna.
129
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:16,140
That's lovely, that is. I saw one
just like that in Laura Ashley.
130
00:07:16,140 --> 00:07:17,860
And of course...
131
00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:24,300
A brand new 19-inch wide screen
in-built Blu-ray high-def TV.
132
00:07:24,300 --> 00:07:29,140
Oh, Donna, you've got such an eye
for interior decorating.
133
00:07:30,260 --> 00:07:33,100
And, my piece de resistance.
134
00:07:35,620 --> 00:07:36,860
Pornography.
135
00:07:38,260 --> 00:07:41,660
Well, you know I'm not a fan,
but Dr Unpronounceable said
136
00:07:41,660 --> 00:07:44,580
you did need to masturbate
as much as possible.
137
00:07:44,580 --> 00:07:47,420
I had it covered in plastic sheeting.
138
00:07:50,900 --> 00:07:52,660
You know, for....
139
00:07:52,660 --> 00:07:54,700
You've thought of everything.
140
00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:57,540
What?
141
00:07:57,540 --> 00:07:59,100
Don't!
142
00:07:59,100 --> 00:08:00,900
Are you crying?
143
00:08:00,900 --> 00:08:02,820
I'm just so happy, come here.
144
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:07,740
Oh, thanks for the hand, Arthur.
145
00:08:07,740 --> 00:08:11,260
You keep taking those steroids.
146
00:08:11,260 --> 00:08:12,980
Welcome home!
147
00:08:12,980 --> 00:08:14,060
Yeah.
148
00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:16,500
I had to make a few changes,
when I knew I'd have...
149
00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:17,940
We'll have to move.
150
00:08:17,940 --> 00:08:20,580
You can't drag me up and down
those steps every day.
151
00:08:20,580 --> 00:08:23,020
You'll be better in no time.
152
00:08:23,020 --> 00:08:25,180
You know that's not true.
153
00:08:26,700 --> 00:08:29,140
Well, it all looks
pretty similar in here.
154
00:08:29,140 --> 00:08:30,980
Uh-uh-uh.
155
00:08:30,980 --> 00:08:33,540
Healthy snacks.
156
00:08:33,540 --> 00:08:37,580
And protein shakes to help you
get back on your fee...
157
00:08:39,140 --> 00:08:41,420
Well, to help you find your fee...
158
00:08:44,060 --> 00:08:45,300
Well, to eat.
159
00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:47,100
Yeah, great.
160
00:08:47,100 --> 00:08:51,180
I get to be stuck in this thing
and eat food that makes me fart.
161
00:08:51,180 --> 00:08:52,700
And of course...
162
00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:59,780
A brand new 19-inch widescreen
in-built Blu-ray high-def TV.
163
00:08:59,780 --> 00:09:01,420
What was wrong with the old one?
164
00:09:01,420 --> 00:09:03,940
You're going to be spending
a lot more time here,
165
00:09:03,940 --> 00:09:07,180
I thought a decent telly would
make life a bit more, you know...
166
00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:10,140
We could watch cartoons
while we do your physio.
167
00:09:10,140 --> 00:09:12,220
Oh, wow(!)
168
00:09:12,220 --> 00:09:15,660
Everyone should get severe spinal
injuries, it's such great fun!
169
00:09:16,780 --> 00:09:19,340
Watch me jump with bastard glee.
170
00:09:19,340 --> 00:09:22,660
I know you're being sarcastic, but...
171
00:09:22,660 --> 00:09:26,500
I'm sure you'll be impressed
by my piece de resistance.
172
00:09:27,740 --> 00:09:29,220
Pornography?
173
00:09:29,220 --> 00:09:31,060
Yeah. It's your favourite.
174
00:09:31,060 --> 00:09:33,020
Very fat women.
175
00:09:34,260 --> 00:09:35,540
Jogging.
176
00:09:36,980 --> 00:09:39,060
What exactly am I going
to use this for?
177
00:09:39,060 --> 00:09:40,580
I'm sorry...
178
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:43,300
For all the fun I'll get,
I might as well shove it up my arse.
179
00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:45,500
I could help you with that,
if you want?
180
00:09:48,420 --> 00:09:52,300
No, thank you, it's very kind. But
if I could actually feel my arse,
181
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:55,620
and what it was up to at any given
moment, I'd take you up on that.
182
00:09:55,620 --> 00:09:57,260
That reminds me.
183
00:09:58,980 --> 00:10:00,220
Ta-da!
184
00:10:01,460 --> 00:10:02,500
What?
185
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,980
I had it covered in plastic sheeting.
186
00:10:12,020 --> 00:10:13,620
You know, for...
187
00:10:15,220 --> 00:10:17,220
Well, you've thought of everything.
188
00:10:21,460 --> 00:10:23,700
Are you crying?
189
00:10:23,700 --> 00:10:27,340
GAZ SOBS
190
00:10:32,060 --> 00:10:33,820
I'm sorry.
191
00:10:34,820 --> 00:10:37,060
I'm sorry.
192
00:10:37,060 --> 00:10:40,780
What are you crying for?
193
00:10:40,780 --> 00:10:42,340
Just getting a bit teary.
194
00:10:42,340 --> 00:10:43,780
We've got a lot of work to do.
195
00:10:43,780 --> 00:10:45,260
We certainly have, baby.
196
00:10:45,260 --> 00:10:46,460
Don't call me baby!
197
00:10:46,460 --> 00:10:48,780
It's better than Flapzilla.
198
00:10:51,900 --> 00:10:54,260
When did you ever call me Flapzilla?
199
00:10:54,260 --> 00:10:55,500
Oh, I didn't, no.
200
00:10:56,460 --> 00:10:57,820
Someone else's pet name.
201
00:10:57,820 --> 00:10:59,140
Oh, Janet's?
202
00:10:59,140 --> 00:11:00,340
No, someone else.
203
00:11:00,340 --> 00:11:03,700
Well, who else?
You've only had three girlfriends.
204
00:11:03,700 --> 00:11:08,180
I've had hundreds of girlfriends
205
00:11:08,180 --> 00:11:12,540
Hundreds and thousands. You're just
the tip of the Battenberg. Wa-hey!
206
00:11:12,540 --> 00:11:14,020
Popped many a cherry!
207
00:11:14,020 --> 00:11:16,860
Will you stop speaking in cake?
208
00:11:16,860 --> 00:11:18,740
Let's count them.
209
00:11:18,740 --> 00:11:20,460
Right, me? You.
210
00:11:20,460 --> 00:11:22,460
Janet. Janet.
211
00:11:22,460 --> 00:11:25,180
Erm... Bald Shirley.
212
00:11:25,180 --> 00:11:28,020
Yes, who could forget bald Shirley?
213
00:11:29,020 --> 00:11:31,780
I've still got her wig somewhere.
214
00:11:31,780 --> 00:11:33,780
I got it caught in my zip, right.
215
00:11:34,940 --> 00:11:36,700
I was walking home afterwards.
216
00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:38,940
It looked like I had
a clown in a leg lock.
217
00:11:41,980 --> 00:11:43,940
Fit. Who else?
218
00:11:43,940 --> 00:11:47,900
Er... Well, there's that doll
I lost my virginity to.
219
00:11:47,900 --> 00:11:50,140
That's not a person.
220
00:11:50,140 --> 00:11:53,300
I think you'll find
on My Sally's box it said,
221
00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:56,420
"Extremely lifelike,
and brushable pubes".
222
00:11:57,940 --> 00:12:01,060
And, to answer your question,
yes, I did, and yes, they were.
223
00:12:02,740 --> 00:12:04,220
Look, admit it, Gaz.
224
00:12:04,220 --> 00:12:06,780
You've only slept with three women.
There's no shame in it.
225
00:12:06,780 --> 00:12:10,300
OK, OK. I've slept with three women.
Care to make it four?
226
00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:13,980
Oh, Gaz, you are so
very, very stupid.
227
00:12:13,980 --> 00:12:15,660
Three!
228
00:12:15,660 --> 00:12:18,340
That's less than Jonny,
and he's dead.
229
00:12:18,340 --> 00:12:20,340
Don't worry,
I've only slept with five.
230
00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:22,500
But you're supposed to,
you're a girl.
231
00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:24,620
No, six. No, hold on!
232
00:12:24,620 --> 00:12:26,780
Seven.
233
00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:28,340
Although he didn't finish.
234
00:12:31,620 --> 00:12:34,420
Cos his beagle came in
and stuck its nose up his arse.
235
00:12:35,740 --> 00:12:39,900
Donna, seven!
I mean, that's double my three.
236
00:12:41,420 --> 00:12:42,980
Oh, no! Oh, no.
237
00:12:42,980 --> 00:12:46,460
I got a blowy in the gents toilets
at Knutsford Services
238
00:12:46,460 --> 00:12:48,980
through a convenient
little hole in the wall.
239
00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:55,980
You should keep that to yourself.
240
00:12:56,940 --> 00:12:59,100
It was great! She had no teeth.
241
00:13:01,300 --> 00:13:04,820
She had a pretty bad moustache
for a bird, though.
242
00:13:04,820 --> 00:13:08,260
Does this mean you're going
to cheat on me again, Gaz,
243
00:13:11,740 --> 00:13:16,260
I am never even going to look
at another woman, Donna.
244
00:13:16,260 --> 00:13:18,420
Never ever again.
245
00:13:18,420 --> 00:13:20,460
Shall we go to bed?
246
00:13:20,460 --> 00:13:25,660
It's the middle of the afternoon,
you la... Ah-oooh!
247
00:13:28,580 --> 00:13:29,860
What are you crying for?
248
00:13:29,860 --> 00:13:32,780
Oh, I'm just really...
249
00:13:32,780 --> 00:13:34,300
Really happy!
250
00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:35,620
So, cheer up!
251
00:13:35,620 --> 00:13:37,860
Come on then! Up and at 'em!
252
00:13:37,860 --> 00:13:39,780
Onwards and upwards! Up, up and away!
253
00:13:39,780 --> 00:13:43,460
Will you stop saying "up"?
I can't go in that direction.
254
00:13:45,180 --> 00:13:46,340
I'm sorry.
255
00:13:46,340 --> 00:13:48,180
I don't blame you.
256
00:13:48,180 --> 00:13:49,900
We've got a lot of work to do.
257
00:13:49,900 --> 00:13:51,940
On us.
258
00:13:51,940 --> 00:13:53,460
God, no.
259
00:13:53,460 --> 00:13:55,780
Oh, no! We're fine, yeah.
260
00:13:56,940 --> 00:13:58,100
We're great!
261
00:14:00,260 --> 00:14:02,020
Are you taking the piss?
262
00:14:04,340 --> 00:14:07,260
I meant that we've got
a lot of physio work to do.
263
00:14:07,260 --> 00:14:08,900
There's no point, it's hopeless.
264
00:14:08,900 --> 00:14:11,780
There's always hope,
that's what Dr Unpronounceable said.
265
00:14:11,780 --> 00:14:13,140
He says that to everyone.
266
00:14:13,140 --> 00:14:17,380
I saw him shouting it in the shower
to that alcoholic tramp
from the liver ward.
267
00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:21,340
You sure that wasn't,
"There's always soap"?
268
00:14:21,340 --> 00:14:22,580
Ha...
269
00:14:26,140 --> 00:14:29,380
Donna, They don't think
I'll walk again.
270
00:14:29,380 --> 00:14:31,140
Neither do I.
271
00:14:31,140 --> 00:14:35,180
Of course you'll walk again!
Medicine has come a long way.
272
00:14:35,180 --> 00:14:38,700
They can put massive ears
on the backs of mice now.
273
00:14:38,700 --> 00:14:40,500
We have to face reality.
274
00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:42,940
That reality is,
275
00:14:42,940 --> 00:14:44,540
I'll never bone you again.
276
00:14:45,460 --> 00:14:46,500
Of course you will.
277
00:14:46,500 --> 00:14:48,700
We can stick a pipe cleaner in it.
278
00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:54,900
You can put a curve in it
like you've always wanted.
279
00:14:54,900 --> 00:14:57,420
How am I going to feel
anything, Donna?
280
00:14:57,420 --> 00:15:00,620
You might not be able to feel
anything, but what about me?
281
00:15:00,620 --> 00:15:04,980
You're still a gorgeous
hunky man, phwoar!
282
00:15:04,980 --> 00:15:10,300
You're still my big brute of
a beast of a big, big... You know.
283
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:14,780
I mean, I'll want to do it every day!
Probably. Phwoar!
284
00:15:16,140 --> 00:15:17,620
You never wanted to before.
285
00:15:17,620 --> 00:15:21,460
Well, I just find you
so attractive now.
286
00:15:21,460 --> 00:15:24,060
I have a thing about wheels.
287
00:15:25,380 --> 00:15:28,780
Donna... Donna, please don't.
288
00:15:28,780 --> 00:15:30,860
You can enjoy the visuals.
289
00:15:30,860 --> 00:15:32,380
I could go on top.
290
00:15:32,380 --> 00:15:36,740
I could stick sudoku puzzles
to the underside of my breasts.
291
00:15:36,740 --> 00:15:38,140
Donna, I am spent.
292
00:15:38,140 --> 00:15:40,820
I can't give you that, and to be
honest, what else am I good for?
293
00:15:40,820 --> 00:15:42,460
You're good at tons of things.
294
00:15:42,460 --> 00:15:44,660
I'm not. I weren't even
that good at that.
295
00:15:44,660 --> 00:15:45,780
Do you know...
296
00:15:45,780 --> 00:15:49,220
Do you know how many women
I've slept with?
297
00:15:49,220 --> 00:15:52,260
Hundreds. Everybody said you were
the best looking man in Runcorn.
298
00:15:52,260 --> 00:15:53,700
Three.
299
00:15:53,700 --> 00:15:55,460
Three.
300
00:15:56,460 --> 00:15:58,260
You, Janet and bald Shirley.
301
00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:04,300
Donna, why would you want to be
with me? I'm a broken man.
302
00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:10,260
I'm never even going to look
at another woman, Donna.
303
00:16:11,620 --> 00:16:12,860
Never ever again.
304
00:16:14,380 --> 00:16:16,500
Oh, Gaz.
305
00:16:18,500 --> 00:16:20,260
Get over yourself!
306
00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:30,620
Oh, yeah!
307
00:16:30,620 --> 00:16:33,540
Gaz Wilkinson, back in the saddle.
308
00:16:33,540 --> 00:16:36,460
Oh, eight minutes of heaven.
309
00:16:36,460 --> 00:16:38,580
Whoo! Hey, do you want another go?
310
00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:42,460
After three months in hospital,
I've got a backlog in me bollocks.
311
00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:44,060
That one was just the plug.
312
00:16:45,220 --> 00:16:46,700
No, thank you!
313
00:16:46,700 --> 00:16:49,940
As charming as that was,
we've got some things to talk about.
314
00:16:49,940 --> 00:16:52,980
If we're going to get back together,
there have to be some changes.
315
00:16:52,980 --> 00:16:55,420
Most pressingly, the sheets.
316
00:16:55,420 --> 00:16:57,660
Sorry.
317
00:16:57,660 --> 00:17:00,380
You have been saving that up,
haven't you?
318
00:17:00,380 --> 00:17:03,100
I feel like I'm sat in a jellyfish.
319
00:17:04,980 --> 00:17:08,180
Well, it's hard to have a wank
in the hospital.
320
00:17:08,180 --> 00:17:09,940
I tend to be quite noisy.
321
00:17:09,940 --> 00:17:13,100
They probably wondered why
you were shouting your own name
322
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:14,580
in the middle of the night.
323
00:17:14,580 --> 00:17:16,820
Why would I shout
someone else's name?
324
00:17:16,820 --> 00:17:18,060
They're not as fit.
325
00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:22,060
Just makes more sense to go,
"Ohhh, Gaz!"
326
00:17:23,220 --> 00:17:24,260
Gaz.
327
00:17:24,260 --> 00:17:26,220
No, it's more like, "Ohhh, Gaz!"
328
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,420
I've put off talking to you
about this,
329
00:17:29,420 --> 00:17:31,580
about what we're going to do
up until now.
330
00:17:31,580 --> 00:17:34,580
I didn't think it was appropriate
while you were in a coma.
331
00:17:39,740 --> 00:17:42,660
Stop pretending to go into a coma.
332
00:17:43,660 --> 00:17:46,220
Well, I had no escape
when I was in hospital,
333
00:17:46,220 --> 00:17:49,060
so you've shat on your kebab
there, haven't you?
334
00:17:49,060 --> 00:17:51,020
I'm off to the pub, bye. No!
335
00:17:51,020 --> 00:17:54,700
Gaz, I have written a list of rules
for you to abide by.
336
00:17:54,700 --> 00:17:58,300
A very simple 257 rules.
337
00:17:58,300 --> 00:18:00,460
What? That's great, well done.
338
00:18:00,460 --> 00:18:01,980
I'll be in The Archer, ta-ra.
339
00:18:01,980 --> 00:18:06,540
Rule one - we talk once a week about
where the relationship is going.
340
00:18:06,540 --> 00:18:08,540
Argh!
341
00:18:08,540 --> 00:18:11,540
We have to communicate, Gaz.
342
00:18:11,540 --> 00:18:13,420
OK. Honestly...
343
00:18:13,420 --> 00:18:17,700
I sometimes still wank over pictures
of your dead mother.
344
00:18:20,180 --> 00:18:21,540
And in all total honesty,
345
00:18:21,540 --> 00:18:24,940
I am honestly not going to talk
to you about this relationship.
346
00:18:24,940 --> 00:18:26,540
It is what it is. End of.
347
00:18:26,540 --> 00:18:29,420
Shut up. I've come.
Pint now. Thank you.
348
00:18:31,220 --> 00:18:32,380
Gaz!
349
00:18:32,380 --> 00:18:35,620
Listen, life's too short to
communicate with your loved ones.
350
00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:42,940
I sat by your bed
night after night for three months.
351
00:18:42,940 --> 00:18:45,820
The least you can do is listen
to what I want now.
352
00:18:46,820 --> 00:18:48,220
I'm going to see my mates.
353
00:18:48,220 --> 00:18:50,260
What mates, Gaz?
354
00:18:51,700 --> 00:18:53,780
You can't slap me.
355
00:18:53,780 --> 00:18:56,060
Yeah? Well, I just did.
356
00:18:57,060 --> 00:19:00,300
I'm disabled,
I get special treatment.
357
00:19:00,300 --> 00:19:02,300
You have to treat me better
than that now.
358
00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:06,220
I thought you people didn't want
special treatment. "You people"?
359
00:19:08,020 --> 00:19:09,420
Oh, thanks a lot, Donna.
360
00:19:09,420 --> 00:19:12,620
I'm not people, I'm an individual,
I'm a human being.
361
00:19:12,620 --> 00:19:14,740
Yes, one who needed a slap.
362
00:19:14,740 --> 00:19:17,580
You're not going to get
any special treatment from me.
363
00:19:17,580 --> 00:19:19,140
What's that? Nothing.
364
00:19:19,140 --> 00:19:21,220
Just because you're on wheels now
365
00:19:21,220 --> 00:19:23,900
doesn't mean you can wallow
in self-pity.
366
00:19:23,900 --> 00:19:25,140
Look at me!
367
00:19:25,140 --> 00:19:28,460
What am I going to look like when
368
00:19:28,460 --> 00:19:30,340
I'll be like an egg on stilts.
369
00:19:32,060 --> 00:19:34,820
Well, you can't give up, Gaz.
If you give up, you die.
370
00:19:34,820 --> 00:19:36,020
I might as well be dead.
371
00:19:39,660 --> 00:19:41,140
Oi!
372
00:19:41,140 --> 00:19:43,540
That's verging on abuse now.
373
00:19:43,540 --> 00:19:46,420
You've still got your health
above your waist.
374
00:19:46,420 --> 00:19:49,140
You've still got the garage,
somewhere to live, me.
375
00:19:49,140 --> 00:19:52,180
Yeah, you. I haven't got
anyone else though, have I?
376
00:19:52,180 --> 00:19:53,460
You've got friends.
377
00:19:53,460 --> 00:19:57,340
There were loads of cards at
378
00:19:57,340 --> 00:20:00,380
Oh, yeah. I'll be on
the five-a-side team in no time.
379
00:20:00,380 --> 00:20:01,500
I'll be the striker.
380
00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:03,540
I'll kick the ball
dead hard like this.
381
00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:10,060
Hold on, there seems to be
something wrong with this picture.
382
00:20:10,060 --> 00:20:11,540
Goal!
383
00:20:12,540 --> 00:20:14,420
There's your mates in the pub.
384
00:20:14,420 --> 00:20:17,980
Wesley? I don't know
if it slipped your attention,
I'm shagging his girlfriend.
385
00:20:17,980 --> 00:20:20,020
Or I was. Now I'm just...
386
00:20:21,420 --> 00:20:22,900
I suppose I can finger you.
387
00:20:22,900 --> 00:20:24,300
Of course you can.
388
00:20:24,300 --> 00:20:26,380
I love a good finger!
389
00:20:28,220 --> 00:20:30,020
Or Tim. He's a nice bloke.
390
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:32,740
You could hang out with Tim,
I bet he wouldn't mind.
391
00:20:32,740 --> 00:20:33,900
Wouldn't mind?
392
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:36,220
I didn't mean it like that.
I meant...
393
00:20:36,220 --> 00:20:38,260
Wouldn't frigging mind,
that's great, that is.
394
00:20:38,260 --> 00:20:40,300
Maybe he'll let me watch him
with his real friends
395
00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:43,020
while I paint beautiful pictures
on the floor with my left foot?
396
00:20:44,580 --> 00:20:46,020
I've looked into it.
397
00:20:46,020 --> 00:20:49,180
There's groups in Runcorn,
support groups.
398
00:20:49,180 --> 00:20:54,020
What kind of support groups?
For people who've had accidents,
399
00:20:54,020 --> 00:20:56,740
They're very popular
with the disabled community.
400
00:20:56,740 --> 00:20:58,900
I don't want to hang around
with disabled people.
401
00:20:58,900 --> 00:21:00,900
What would I have
in common with them?
402
00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:04,620
Apart from that.
403
00:21:05,380 --> 00:21:07,780
They go on trips.
Fishing. Theme parks.
404
00:21:11,140 --> 00:21:14,380
They give a carer a break for a bit.
They'd give me a break, Gaz.
405
00:21:14,380 --> 00:21:17,420
It's been 20 minutes!
406
00:21:17,420 --> 00:21:19,980
Yeah, but it's gonna be
for the rest of my life.
407
00:21:21,660 --> 00:21:24,940
Look, I know none of this
is fair on you.
408
00:21:24,940 --> 00:21:27,700
I know you shouldn't be
in that chair.
409
00:21:27,700 --> 00:21:29,300
But it's happened.
410
00:21:29,300 --> 00:21:31,220
We're going to have to deal with it.
411
00:21:32,380 --> 00:21:34,940
Or maybe you could say,
"Good boy, good boy!"
412
00:21:34,940 --> 00:21:37,940
and pat me on the head
next time I shit myself.
413
00:21:37,940 --> 00:21:40,020
Could you be any more patronising?
414
00:21:40,020 --> 00:21:42,860
Now I know it's very hard for you,
415
00:21:42,860 --> 00:21:45,740
but it's hard for me too.
416
00:21:45,740 --> 00:21:48,700
And we're going to have
to help each other. OK?
417
00:21:48,700 --> 00:21:51,500
So you could be more
patronising then.
418
00:21:51,500 --> 00:21:52,980
Fine. See if I care.
419
00:21:52,980 --> 00:21:56,260
Donna. No. I'm going out.
I've tried to help you.
420
00:21:56,260 --> 00:21:58,740
You've slapped me and threatened me.
421
00:21:58,740 --> 00:22:00,980
You're the Idi Amin of healthcare.
422
00:22:00,980 --> 00:22:02,420
I'm doing my best, Gaz.
423
00:22:02,420 --> 00:22:04,860
Oh, Donna, Donna, wait!
424
00:22:04,860 --> 00:22:06,900
I need a shit. Where are you going?
425
00:22:06,900 --> 00:22:09,260
To see my mates. What mates?
426
00:22:09,260 --> 00:22:10,340
DOOR SLAMS
427
00:22:10,340 --> 00:22:11,940
Ohhh.
428
00:22:11,940 --> 00:22:13,140
Oh!
429
00:22:13,140 --> 00:22:14,420
Oh, shit!
430
00:22:19,580 --> 00:22:23,300
What do you mean, "What mates?"
They're all on Janet's side.
431
00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:25,380
The crash bought you
a bit of sympathy,
432
00:22:25,380 --> 00:22:29,940
but, sorry, Janet's
a single parent widow, she wins.
433
00:22:29,940 --> 00:22:31,500
Is Janet our friend, yeah?
434
00:22:31,500 --> 00:22:32,980
Not very.
435
00:22:32,980 --> 00:22:34,180
What about Wesley?
436
00:22:34,180 --> 00:22:35,740
Or Tim?
437
00:22:35,740 --> 00:22:37,340
The squeaky twat bag?
438
00:22:37,340 --> 00:22:39,220
They're all on Janet's side.
439
00:22:39,220 --> 00:22:41,740
Here you are. My footie mates.
440
00:22:41,740 --> 00:22:43,900
They sent me a massive card.
441
00:22:45,460 --> 00:22:47,100
You?
442
00:22:47,100 --> 00:22:49,660
I wondered why they all
had the same handwriting,
443
00:22:49,660 --> 00:22:51,660
why they put kisses
after their names.
444
00:22:51,660 --> 00:22:53,500
I thought it was a new thing.
445
00:22:53,500 --> 00:22:55,940
I suppose Kevin doesn't
heart me big.
446
00:22:55,940 --> 00:22:57,620
I suspect not.
447
00:22:57,620 --> 00:22:59,540
It'd be different
if I'd broke my spine.
448
00:22:59,540 --> 00:23:00,780
Some people are so fickle.
449
00:23:00,780 --> 00:23:02,420
We did a really bad thing, Gaz.
450
00:23:02,420 --> 00:23:05,300
I can't blame people for taking
time to forgive us.
451
00:23:05,300 --> 00:23:08,260
What about you?
No-one speaking to you neither?
452
00:23:08,260 --> 00:23:09,900
I've still got my job
at The Archer,
453
00:23:09,900 --> 00:23:11,820
but my tips aren't as big
as they used to be.
454
00:23:11,820 --> 00:23:13,780
That's sagging, it's just your age.
455
00:23:15,340 --> 00:23:16,860
Tips.
456
00:23:16,860 --> 00:23:18,500
Oh, aye, the tips of them, too.
457
00:23:19,900 --> 00:23:21,620
You wait till you have kids.
458
00:23:21,620 --> 00:23:24,380
They'll not only become flatter,
459
00:23:24,380 --> 00:23:27,060
That's something we'll have
to talk about, it's early days.
460
00:23:27,060 --> 00:23:28,820
What do you mean,
you might not want kids?
461
00:23:28,820 --> 00:23:31,540
Well, change the words "might not"
462
00:23:31,540 --> 00:23:33,380
to "definitely don't"
463
00:23:33,380 --> 00:23:34,780
and then you're there.
464
00:23:38,020 --> 00:23:40,500
I definitely don't want kids.
465
00:23:42,060 --> 00:23:45,780
Look, I've thought about it
and I don't. Soz.
466
00:23:47,540 --> 00:23:50,780
What's the point in having a vagina
other than to wee through?
467
00:23:54,660 --> 00:23:57,380
Gaz, no women wee
out of their vagina.
468
00:23:57,380 --> 00:23:59,580
Keep telling yourself that,
freak show.
469
00:23:59,580 --> 00:24:03,980
And anyway, just because I don't want
kids, it doesn't mean I'm pointless.
470
00:24:03,980 --> 00:24:07,020
I can still have a fulfilling life
without them.
471
00:24:07,020 --> 00:24:10,380
And I won't have to tuck my cervix
back in with a spoon when I'm 60.
472
00:24:12,140 --> 00:24:13,860
Well, that's a shock.
473
00:24:13,860 --> 00:24:15,700
It can't be that much of a shock,
474
00:24:15,700 --> 00:24:18,740
you have met me before,
good old career girl Donna.
475
00:24:18,740 --> 00:24:21,740
Yes, the crazy world of barmaiding
going well for you, is it?
476
00:24:21,740 --> 00:24:24,460
Punters lining up to lap
from your drip tray, are they?
477
00:24:26,260 --> 00:24:27,780
I won't be a barmaid for ever.
478
00:24:27,780 --> 00:24:29,980
No, just until I babby you up.
479
00:24:30,980 --> 00:24:33,460
Look, Gaz, I'm sorry,
I'm just not that way inclined.
480
00:24:33,460 --> 00:24:35,220
I don't want children.
481
00:24:35,220 --> 00:24:38,420
I see my mates,
the ones who have got babies,
482
00:24:38,420 --> 00:24:43,260
like they used to be these bright,
vivacious naughty women
483
00:24:43,260 --> 00:24:44,780
and now they're like...
484
00:24:44,780 --> 00:24:46,220
like cows.
485
00:24:46,220 --> 00:24:47,660
Cows?
486
00:24:49,220 --> 00:24:51,100
Like moo cows?
487
00:24:52,540 --> 00:24:54,780
No, Gaz, the other kind of cow!
488
00:24:54,780 --> 00:24:56,140
All of them, it's like,
489
00:24:56,140 --> 00:25:00,660
if they're not looking vacant
and tired, they're expressing milk.
490
00:25:00,660 --> 00:25:05,180
And in Janet's case, standing in a
field trying to lick her own udders.
491
00:25:05,180 --> 00:25:06,860
It's so boring.
492
00:25:06,860 --> 00:25:08,780
Gaz, aren't I enough for you?
493
00:25:10,540 --> 00:25:14,500
Gaz! You've got to understand.
I do want children. I mean...
494
00:25:16,900 --> 00:25:18,500
You're wrong.
495
00:25:18,500 --> 00:25:20,420
You're wrong about this.
496
00:25:20,420 --> 00:25:23,540
There is one person
who's speaking to me - Corinthian.
497
00:25:23,540 --> 00:25:25,620
Gaz! You know, I am his father.
498
00:25:25,620 --> 00:25:29,060
You can't say anything though,
he's all Janet's got left of Jonny.
499
00:25:29,060 --> 00:25:31,820
He's all I've got left of me,
isn't he?
500
00:25:31,820 --> 00:25:33,060
Gaz!
501
00:25:33,060 --> 00:25:34,220
Shit!
502
00:25:34,220 --> 00:25:35,460
DOOR SLAMS
503
00:25:39,300 --> 00:25:40,940
Oh, shit!
504
00:25:40,940 --> 00:25:42,380
No, no, no.
505
00:25:42,380 --> 00:25:43,780
Gaz, you were right. Shit!
506
00:25:43,780 --> 00:25:46,460
I have no mates. Wha...?
507
00:25:46,460 --> 00:25:48,620
What the hell are you doing?
508
00:25:48,620 --> 00:25:51,740
I'm trying to have a shit.
Give us some privacy, please.
509
00:25:51,740 --> 00:25:54,780
Donna, I'm touching cloth!
What are you doing?
510
00:25:54,780 --> 00:25:57,340
Gaz, we've got so much to sort out.
511
00:25:57,340 --> 00:26:00,100
Oh yeah, I know.
I've read your list of rules.
512
00:26:00,100 --> 00:26:03,660
Been very busy, haven't we, eh?
Sorting out what I can and can't do.
513
00:26:03,660 --> 00:26:05,740
It's not really relevant
any more, is it?
514
00:26:05,740 --> 00:26:08,380
Seeing as I can't even
stop drinking excessively,
515
00:26:08,380 --> 00:26:11,340
or shower once a day,
or drive any more.
516
00:26:11,340 --> 00:26:14,220
Disabled people can do
all of those things, Gaz.
517
00:26:14,220 --> 00:26:15,420
Shit, me van!
518
00:26:15,420 --> 00:26:17,100
What's going to happen to my van?
519
00:26:17,100 --> 00:26:20,620
Well, I wanted to talk to you
about that. I've found a buyer.
520
00:26:20,620 --> 00:26:24,180
No! No, no, no, Donna,
I can't sell the Gazmobile.
521
00:26:24,180 --> 00:26:28,060
You know how many women
I've had in the back of that thing.
You've just told me. Three.
522
00:26:29,300 --> 00:26:31,460
We've got no choice, Gaz.
523
00:26:31,460 --> 00:26:33,580
Eh? I might as well be dead.
524
00:26:36,980 --> 00:26:38,460
Will you stop doing that!
525
00:26:38,460 --> 00:26:41,140
Well, you're talking
out of your arse again.
526
00:26:41,140 --> 00:26:45,260
Is this one of your total honesty
conversations you wanted
in your list of rules?
527
00:26:45,260 --> 00:26:46,700
Look, Gaz, stop it.
528
00:26:46,700 --> 00:26:50,060
We've got to look after each other
now, we've only got each other.
529
00:26:51,540 --> 00:26:53,260
I was thinking...
530
00:26:53,260 --> 00:26:55,140
We could have a kid.
531
00:26:56,180 --> 00:26:58,140
Donna, I can't have
any more of them.
532
00:26:58,140 --> 00:27:00,460
What, kids? Of course you can.
533
00:27:00,460 --> 00:27:02,780
We'll get some sperm
out of you somehow.
534
00:27:03,580 --> 00:27:07,100
I mean, they're still in there,
there's just no escape hatch.
535
00:27:08,300 --> 00:27:11,740
My cock's not dropped off, Donna!
Jesus!
536
00:27:11,740 --> 00:27:13,900
They can still get out,
I just can't feel them.
537
00:27:13,900 --> 00:27:15,380
Looking on the bright side,
538
00:27:15,380 --> 00:27:18,140
it means when I sit on my bollocks,
I don't feel it.
539
00:27:18,140 --> 00:27:19,500
I hope they don't burst.
540
00:27:20,980 --> 00:27:22,740
There's medical procedures,
541
00:27:22,740 --> 00:27:25,700
needles and scalpels,
ways of unleashing them.
542
00:27:25,700 --> 00:27:27,500
Well, how romantic(!)
543
00:27:27,500 --> 00:27:29,220
"Daddy, where did I come from?"
544
00:27:29,220 --> 00:27:33,340
Well, son, Mr Doctor Man sucked you
out of Daddy's balls with a needle.
545
00:27:33,340 --> 00:27:35,380
Then dropped you
into a turkey baster
546
00:27:35,380 --> 00:27:37,540
and fired you
up your mum's chuff hole.
547
00:27:39,860 --> 00:27:41,340
Ooh, the miracle of life!
548
00:27:42,340 --> 00:27:43,860
Anyway, you don't want kids.
549
00:27:43,860 --> 00:27:45,460
Yes, I do!
550
00:27:45,460 --> 00:27:48,220
You don't want them.
You're just taking pity on me.
551
00:27:48,220 --> 00:27:52,260
That's why we're here, isn't it?
That's the point of being here.
552
00:27:52,260 --> 00:27:56,620
I mean, the crazy world of barmaiding
hasn't panned out for me, has it?
553
00:27:58,020 --> 00:27:59,900
I do want children.
554
00:27:59,900 --> 00:28:01,540
Your children.
555
00:28:02,460 --> 00:28:04,740
You nearly dying
changed my mind for me.
556
00:28:04,740 --> 00:28:07,460
I think if something good
can come out of this, then,
557
00:28:07,460 --> 00:28:09,460
yeah,
558
00:28:09,460 --> 00:28:10,980
yeah, let's have kids.
559
00:28:10,980 --> 00:28:12,980
I want kids for definite, for sure.
560
00:28:12,980 --> 00:28:15,300
Really? Yes, fine.
561
00:28:15,300 --> 00:28:16,740
Really, really?
562
00:28:16,740 --> 00:28:18,020
Yes.
563
00:28:18,020 --> 00:28:19,540
Mine?
564
00:28:19,540 --> 00:28:21,660
Yes, Gaz.
565
00:28:23,580 --> 00:28:24,860
Come here.
566
00:28:28,500 --> 00:28:31,340
If I wasn't paralysed,
I'd have an erection right now.
567
00:28:32,820 --> 00:28:34,260
That's beautiful.
568
00:28:36,380 --> 00:28:38,140
MACHINE BEEPS
569
00:28:40,620 --> 00:28:42,500
Yeah, I can put up with any of that.
570
00:28:45,500 --> 00:28:47,340
I'll put up with anything.
571
00:28:51,740 --> 00:28:53,260
Just...
572
00:28:53,260 --> 00:28:55,220
Just give him back, will you?
573
00:28:58,940 --> 00:29:02,100
# Hey, mister bartender
Give me a drink
574
00:29:02,100 --> 00:29:06,020
# I wanna cold wet glass
With bubbles in it
575
00:29:07,740 --> 00:29:09,740
# And that doesn't mean I can't
576
00:29:09,740 --> 00:29:12,060
# Handle anything stronger now
577
00:29:12,060 --> 00:29:14,380
# Just think I'll wait a while
578
00:29:14,380 --> 00:29:18,220
# I'll have a pint of lager, please
579
00:29:18,220 --> 00:29:20,620
# And a pack of flakies! #
580
00:29:20,620 --> 00:29:22,660
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
581
00:29:22,660 --> 00:29:24,700
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