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1
00:00:02,100 --> 00:00:04,340
We had sex! No!
2
00:00:04,340 --> 00:00:07,100
It was a mistake.
It probably won't happen again.
3
00:00:07,100 --> 00:00:11,100
He was my husband first. That didn't
stop you jumping into bed with him
4
00:00:11,100 --> 00:00:12,860
like some chav-y slag, did it?
5
00:00:12,860 --> 00:00:15,820
Why, Gaz? I thought you
and Donna were finished!
6
00:00:15,820 --> 00:00:17,660
So did I.
7
00:00:17,660 --> 00:00:21,140
So who's it gonna be?
It's up to you, Gaz.
8
00:00:21,660 --> 00:00:23,180
Jesus!
9
00:00:25,020 --> 00:00:26,820
I love you.
10
00:00:26,820 --> 00:00:28,420
It's always been you.
11
00:00:28,420 --> 00:00:30,020
SHE SOBS
12
00:00:30,020 --> 00:00:34,500
This programme contains
some strong language.
13
00:00:34,500 --> 00:00:37,580
# Oh, Mr Bartender give me a drink
14
00:00:37,580 --> 00:00:41,700
# I want a cold, black glass
with bubbles in it
15
00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:47,300
# And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now
16
00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:49,140
# Just think I'll wait a while
17
00:00:49,140 --> 00:00:52,980
# I'll have a pint of lager, please!
18
00:00:52,980 --> 00:00:56,020
# And a packet of flakies. #
19
00:01:05,140 --> 00:01:08,460
Tim! What's with the pineapples
and the large Jamaican man?
20
00:01:08,460 --> 00:01:11,740
The pineapples are for
my new tropical cocktail,
21
00:01:11,740 --> 00:01:13,180
the Fizzy Bitch Flap.
22
00:01:14,340 --> 00:01:17,980
It's part pineapple, part lemon,
but 100% fabulous.
23
00:01:17,980 --> 00:01:21,500
Mmm. Tim, your Fizzy Bitch Flaps
are delicious.
24
00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:24,020
And the large Jamaican man?
25
00:01:24,020 --> 00:01:26,660
Oh! Cuthbert's just for me.
26
00:01:27,660 --> 00:01:29,660
Nearly three, guys!
27
00:01:29,660 --> 00:01:31,700
Oh, good! What's three?
28
00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:35,460
When Gaz makes his choice - me.
Gaz is coming here?
29
00:01:35,460 --> 00:01:39,180
I'll have to tell him
to put up his dukes for
stealing the love of my life.
30
00:01:39,180 --> 00:01:41,700
Then? Then I'll run very fast
in that direction.
31
00:01:43,060 --> 00:01:45,740
Gaz?! Oh.
32
00:01:45,740 --> 00:01:48,820
You need to tell her Gaz
is not coming. She likes you.
33
00:01:48,820 --> 00:01:54,100
Why'd you let your girlfriend steal
my baby daddy? You big praying
mantis-shaped whorehound!
34
00:01:54,100 --> 00:01:55,140
You think so?
35
00:01:55,140 --> 00:01:58,820
Well, you're one of those
36
00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:03,740
Unless... Do you have
a deep, dark, terrible secret
that no-one must know?
37
00:02:03,740 --> 00:02:08,860
And if they did you'd be cast
out of human society, like
the wretched beast you surely are?
38
00:02:08,860 --> 00:02:11,260
The guilt gnawing away at you,
night after night,
39
00:02:11,260 --> 00:02:14,100
like an insidious sickness,
slowly sucking out your soul?
40
00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:19,100
Your soul, is that what it is,
Wesley? Do you have a deep, dark,
terrible secret? Do you, do you?
41
00:02:20,260 --> 00:02:21,300
No, Tim.
42
00:02:21,300 --> 00:02:24,860
Me neither. Would you like another
Fizzy Bitch Flap?
43
00:02:24,860 --> 00:02:27,340
Thanks, pissy ball sack.
44
00:02:27,340 --> 00:02:30,340
Has no-one noticed this a blow
to me too? I've lost Donna.
45
00:02:30,340 --> 00:02:32,140
Why are you still here, then?
46
00:02:32,140 --> 00:02:34,420
Shouldn't you be
back in that London?
47
00:02:34,420 --> 00:02:37,460
I came up for Donna,
but I stay for the pasties.
48
00:02:37,460 --> 00:02:39,620
Right, where is he? Who?
49
00:02:39,620 --> 00:02:43,500
The Right Honourable Arch Bishop
50
00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:47,220
Janet, how do you know
Gaz is going to choose you?
Donna didn't choose me.
51
00:02:47,220 --> 00:02:49,540
Oh, Wesley!
52
00:02:49,540 --> 00:02:51,980
But you're rubbish.
53
00:02:51,980 --> 00:02:54,300
Just ask Cuthbert!
54
00:03:01,460 --> 00:03:05,980
# I know it's a tough decision
And all the choice is his
55
00:03:05,980 --> 00:03:10,740
# I'm on a total mission
To make things a piece of piss... #
56
00:03:10,740 --> 00:03:15,220
OK, is it just me, or has she
started singing completely out of
the blue?
57
00:03:15,220 --> 00:03:18,660
But what's more worrying
is the lame half-rhyme between
decision and mission.
58
00:03:18,660 --> 00:03:22,020
I think it's genius! You...penius.
59
00:03:22,020 --> 00:03:24,340
Ha, ha. Oh, suit yourself.
60
00:03:24,340 --> 00:03:27,540
# Cos Gaz wants a load of offspring
61
00:03:27,540 --> 00:03:29,940
# And Donna's a frigid slag
62
00:03:29,940 --> 00:03:34,900
# I'll take his slimy offerings
into my breeding bag... #
63
00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:38,940
Oh...my...God. Did she just...?
64
00:03:38,940 --> 00:03:41,580
Yeah. "Frigid slag" -
she just used an oxymoron.
65
00:03:41,580 --> 00:03:44,260
Oh, look. Key change!
66
00:03:44,260 --> 00:03:48,980
# Gaz doesn't want a lady
who'll run off to that London
67
00:03:48,980 --> 00:03:55,140
# He just wants to make some babies
and fill me up with his cum... #
68
00:03:55,140 --> 00:03:56,180
Eurgh.
69
00:03:56,180 --> 00:03:58,580
# He's gonna pick me
70
00:03:58,580 --> 00:04:00,420
# He's gonna choose me
71
00:04:00,420 --> 00:04:03,580
# If he's got some gumption,
he'll choose the chest bumped one
72
00:04:03,580 --> 00:04:05,340
# He's gonna pick me. #
73
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:09,020
What are you doing?
You'll only encourage her.
74
00:04:09,020 --> 00:04:13,820
It'll be embarrassing when
she realises he's not coming
and I'm enamoured with the rhythm!
75
00:04:15,580 --> 00:04:18,020
# So where's that leave me and Donna?
76
00:04:18,020 --> 00:04:20,260
# You think that she'll be back here?
77
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:26,140
# Or am I totally goner
and are you a total queer? # Oi!
78
00:04:26,140 --> 00:04:27,700
# Cos I ain't got much to offer
79
00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:29,900
# I'm just hoping for the best
80
00:04:29,900 --> 00:04:34,860
# Back when I began to boff her
I'd not had much on the nest... #
81
00:04:34,860 --> 00:04:37,020
Oh, yes. It's romantic.
82
00:04:37,020 --> 00:04:39,860
# It looks like we
want the same thing
83
00:04:39,860 --> 00:04:42,020
# For Gaz to pick me not her
84
00:04:42,020 --> 00:04:44,180
# A ding, ding, ding, ding
ding, ding, ding, ding
85
00:04:44,180 --> 00:04:46,900
# A blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blerr... #
86
00:04:46,900 --> 00:04:48,700
It's like Sondheim's in the room.
87
00:04:48,700 --> 00:04:50,260
# I hope he picks me
88
00:04:51,260 --> 00:04:53,260
# I hope he picks me
89
00:04:53,260 --> 00:04:55,820
# I'd be so bitter
Life would be a shitter
90
00:04:55,820 --> 00:04:58,620
# He's got to pick me. #
91
00:04:58,620 --> 00:05:01,100
Look at you people.
You really are pathetic.
92
00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:04,300
You've been cheated on and abused,
you must be able to see that.
93
00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:08,660
The calypso is messing with
your minds. You people disgust me.
94
00:05:08,660 --> 00:05:11,020
# Gaz is a moron
Donna's a beast
95
00:05:11,020 --> 00:05:13,260
# Johnny's gone totally deceased
96
00:05:13,260 --> 00:05:15,620
# Janet is mumsy
Louise is away
97
00:05:15,620 --> 00:05:17,940
# Wesley is clumsy
And I'm so... #
98
00:05:17,940 --> 00:05:19,460
Hip, hip, hooray?
99
00:05:19,460 --> 00:05:21,300
# Gaz should pick you
100
00:05:22,300 --> 00:05:24,540
# Gaz should pick you
101
00:05:24,540 --> 00:05:27,500
# Like burgers and Presley
It's Donna and Wesley
102
00:05:27,500 --> 00:05:29,380
# Gaz should pick you
103
00:05:29,380 --> 00:05:34,140
# Gaz should pick me
It's plain to see
104
00:05:34,140 --> 00:05:36,980
# Though I've got a kiddy
My twat's iddy-biddy
105
00:05:36,980 --> 00:05:39,020
# He should pick me
106
00:05:39,020 --> 00:05:41,300
# He should choose you
107
00:05:41,300 --> 00:05:43,580
# He's nothing to lose
108
00:05:43,580 --> 00:05:46,340
# Then I can have Donna
Though he squirted on her
109
00:05:46,340 --> 00:05:48,580
# He's gonna pick you. #
110
00:05:53,260 --> 00:05:55,380
Well, that was random.
111
00:05:55,380 --> 00:05:58,500
Oh, Wesley, put that pineapple down.
You'll hurt yourself.
112
00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:01,780
They're not as friendly as they look
on the Lilt advert, are they?
113
00:06:01,780 --> 00:06:04,820
Where is he?! Maybe I should
give him another ring.
114
00:06:04,820 --> 00:06:08,220
SHE GASPS
115
00:06:08,220 --> 00:06:12,100
I did that once. Turns out I was
Wesley Presley. Imagine!
116
00:06:13,100 --> 00:06:16,780
Janet, petal. Have you considered
the other alternative?
117
00:06:16,780 --> 00:06:18,100
La-la, la-la, la!
118
00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:21,620
That he's not coming? I just said,
"La-la, la-la, la" to not hear that.
119
00:06:21,620 --> 00:06:23,540
How dare you make me
waste my la-la's?
120
00:06:23,540 --> 00:06:28,020
If you didn't want to waste your
la-la's you should've worn a
lower-cut top.
121
00:06:28,020 --> 00:06:30,700
I think you and I both
have to face up to reality.
122
00:06:30,700 --> 00:06:33,860
Yes. And the reality is
there's a baby involved.
123
00:06:33,860 --> 00:06:37,420
Gaz would never turn his back
on Corinthian. Never. Never!
124
00:06:37,420 --> 00:06:39,220
But, Janet... Never!
125
00:06:39,220 --> 00:06:43,380
Loads of men leave their children. It
doesn't mean they love them any less.
126
00:06:43,380 --> 00:06:46,100
Yes, it does!
No, it doesn't. Shut up.
127
00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:48,020
What would you know?
You haven't got children.
128
00:06:48,020 --> 00:06:52,460
Oh, why not? Because
it would be so very hard for me to
ejaculate into someone, would it?
129
00:06:52,460 --> 00:06:54,900
That's just a task beyond
Wesley Presley, is it?
130
00:06:54,900 --> 00:06:56,780
Well, yes.
131
00:06:56,780 --> 00:06:58,780
I'd say so.
132
00:06:58,780 --> 00:07:03,860
Well, that's where you're wrong! Cos
I do have a kid and I left it so, ha!
133
00:07:03,860 --> 00:07:06,220
How d'you like them apples?
134
00:07:06,220 --> 00:07:07,820
How could you do that?
135
00:07:07,820 --> 00:07:11,580
What? How could you leave your
child? That makes you evil.
136
00:07:11,580 --> 00:07:15,020
I still see him.
That's the beauty of an iPhone.
137
00:07:16,020 --> 00:07:20,340
Also, my spirit level function
tells me your countertop
is distinctly wobbly.
138
00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:24,940
Oh, really? Does it also tell you
that I don't give a shit?
139
00:07:24,940 --> 00:07:29,180
OK, Wesley, not how - why?
Why would a man leave his baby?
140
00:07:29,180 --> 00:07:34,380
Well, I wasn't with his mum and truth
be told, I fell in love with Donna.
141
00:07:34,380 --> 00:07:37,340
Ah, right. So you're saying
that Donna is just this vixen
142
00:07:37,340 --> 00:07:40,460
who charms innocent men away
from their partners and kids?
143
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,100
No, not at all! Yes, you are.
144
00:07:42,100 --> 00:07:44,380
You're saying she's
some mysterious siren
145
00:07:44,380 --> 00:07:47,740
who takes innocent men away with
her vortex vagina, aren't you?
146
00:07:47,740 --> 00:07:49,020
Uh, OK, then(!)
147
00:07:49,020 --> 00:07:51,740
You bastard! How dare you
fall in love with her?
148
00:07:51,740 --> 00:07:56,100
When I'm sitting at home
with a little baby watching
Homes Under the Hammer!
149
00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:58,980
Janet, love! You're projecting!
150
00:07:58,980 --> 00:08:01,500
That's because
I'm a beautiful public speaker!
151
00:08:01,500 --> 00:08:04,420
No, you're putting your feelings
about Gaz all over Wesley.
152
00:08:04,420 --> 00:08:07,620
Oh, I'll put my feelings on him,
all right. I'll feel him up good!
153
00:08:07,620 --> 00:08:09,820
Ooh. You can feel me up,
if you like.
154
00:08:11,060 --> 00:08:13,060
Well, I'm not having
a nice day at all.
155
00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:17,220
First Donna cheated on me
with Gaz and now Janet's
gonna project all over me
156
00:08:17,220 --> 00:08:20,020
and to top it all, my
Fizzy Bitch Slap is all gone.
157
00:08:20,020 --> 00:08:24,340
Aren't you angry too, Wesley?
You've lost everything.
158
00:08:24,340 --> 00:08:28,220
You changed your life
for Donna, sacrificed
159
00:08:28,220 --> 00:08:30,620
You're basically more
bollocksed than I am.
160
00:08:30,620 --> 00:08:32,460
Yeah, you're right.
161
00:08:32,460 --> 00:08:36,220
You should be furious, Wesley.
Your life is basically ruined.
162
00:08:36,220 --> 00:08:38,420
I'm just not a very angry person.
163
00:08:40,340 --> 00:08:41,580
Ooh! Cuthbert!
164
00:08:41,580 --> 00:08:44,780
That's twice he's done that since
Donna's cheated on him.
165
00:08:44,780 --> 00:08:46,460
I'm running out of Cuthberts!
166
00:08:46,460 --> 00:08:48,580
Tim, I insist on paying
for the damage.
167
00:08:48,580 --> 00:08:52,820
Every time you do that,
168
00:08:52,820 --> 00:08:54,140
That'll be another £500.
169
00:08:54,140 --> 00:08:56,940
Cheque OK? Oh, look!
I like you again.
170
00:08:56,940 --> 00:08:57,980
PHONE RINGS
171
00:08:57,980 --> 00:09:00,220
Oh! Hi.
172
00:09:00,220 --> 00:09:05,860
Oh, my God! This is incredible news!
173
00:09:05,860 --> 00:09:10,500
This is the biggest piece
of information ever!
I don't believe it!
174
00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:11,940
What is it?! What is it?!
175
00:09:11,940 --> 00:09:14,100
Nowt!
176
00:09:17,780 --> 00:09:20,060
So, you think that
you could forgive Gaz?
177
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:25,620
Even though he cheated on you and in
my opinion looks like a man more
suited to working on the waltzers?
178
00:09:25,620 --> 00:09:27,300
Oh! Shit. He does, doesn't he?
179
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:30,620
He's one dog on a string
from shouting, "Scream if
180
00:09:30,620 --> 00:09:34,060
To be fair, he did used to say that.
181
00:09:34,060 --> 00:09:35,820
Only when I was on top, though.
182
00:09:35,820 --> 00:09:39,140
Look, me and Gaz have been through
tougher times than this.
183
00:09:39,140 --> 00:09:41,460
I reckon we could ride out
any disaster.
184
00:09:41,460 --> 00:09:43,620
Well, I'm not so sure.
Why isn't he here?
185
00:09:43,620 --> 00:09:45,780
There's been an accident.
186
00:09:45,780 --> 00:09:47,580
Gaz is in hospital.
187
00:09:47,580 --> 00:09:48,900
Ha! Brilliant! See?
188
00:09:48,900 --> 00:09:52,140
I knew there was a reason
he wasn't here. I win, I win.
189
00:09:52,140 --> 00:09:56,300
What?! What accident? What do
you mean he's in hospital?
190
00:09:56,300 --> 00:10:00,540
I've got to get there. Wesley,
give me a lift. Janet, wait!
191
00:10:00,540 --> 00:10:03,060
That was Gaz's mum.
He's fine, but...
192
00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:04,900
he doesn't want you there.
193
00:10:06,020 --> 00:10:07,740
He wants Donna.
194
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:12,540
Oh.
195
00:10:15,900 --> 00:10:17,660
Why did Gaz's mum phone you?
196
00:10:19,340 --> 00:10:21,660
We have a past.
197
00:10:22,860 --> 00:10:24,820
Janet, love, are you OK?
198
00:10:24,820 --> 00:10:27,260
I said, "Oh", didn't I?
199
00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:31,940
"Oh, I'm OK," or as in, "Pass me
the Junior Disprol for I need 93"?
200
00:10:32,940 --> 00:10:35,900
Just... Just "Oh".
201
00:10:40,460 --> 00:10:44,500
# A terrace house with heating
202
00:10:44,500 --> 00:10:48,500
# Of the central type
203
00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:52,340
# Not near the sheeps's bleating
204
00:10:52,340 --> 00:10:56,500
# Cos they give Gaz a fright
205
00:10:56,500 --> 00:11:04,020
# A full set of crockery
in the town where I was born
206
00:11:04,020 --> 00:11:08,260
# A home we share together
207
00:11:08,260 --> 00:11:12,860
# In Upper Runcorn... #
208
00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:18,060
# He watches Top Gear daily
209
00:11:18,060 --> 00:11:22,020
# Sets light to his own farts
210
00:11:22,020 --> 00:11:26,260
# He sends me to the fridge for beer
211
00:11:26,260 --> 00:11:30,180
# Toast I've dipped in lard
212
00:11:30,180 --> 00:11:34,180
# We have the brand new sofa
213
00:11:34,180 --> 00:11:37,740
# It all gives him the horn
214
00:11:37,740 --> 00:11:41,700
# We drink from stolen pint pots
215
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:47,100
# In Upper Runcorn
216
00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:52,300
# I go round switching lights off
217
00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:55,340
# He can never find his keys
218
00:11:55,340 --> 00:12:01,540
# Every morning I wake up to
the smell of fresh knob cheese
219
00:12:01,540 --> 00:12:03,420
# Knob cheese
220
00:12:03,420 --> 00:12:05,540
# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
221
00:12:05,540 --> 00:12:09,300
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
222
00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:17,100
# And one day we'll get wed
223
00:12:18,740 --> 00:12:22,220
# The groom in Florence and Fred
224
00:12:22,220 --> 00:12:26,380
# And me in polyester
225
00:12:26,380 --> 00:12:30,100
# A vision of perfection
226
00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:34,340
# A future, a new dawn
227
00:12:34,340 --> 00:12:38,180
# It's not going to happen
228
00:12:38,180 --> 00:12:42,540
# I'll always be trapped in
229
00:12:42,540 --> 00:12:47,500
# Lower Runcorn
230
00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:53,100
# It's not going to happen. #
231
00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:56,140
SHE SOBS
232
00:13:01,580 --> 00:13:03,940
Nowt wrong with Lower Runcorn,
if you ask me.
233
00:13:05,020 --> 00:13:08,700
Those snobs up there are getting all
the fumes from the chemical plants.
234
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:11,860
Us down here, it just blows over us.
Perfectly safe here.
235
00:13:11,860 --> 00:13:14,700
Just ask Three-eyed Doris.
236
00:13:14,700 --> 00:13:16,900
She looks upset.
237
00:13:16,900 --> 00:13:21,860
Who? Three-eyed Doris? No,
the middle one always waters.
238
00:13:21,860 --> 00:13:25,220
Ever since Tony Cyclops poked her
in it. Jealousy, if you ask me.
239
00:13:25,220 --> 00:13:29,020
No, Janet. She's not the sort who
would do something stupid, is she?
240
00:13:29,020 --> 00:13:31,420
Define "stupid".
241
00:13:31,420 --> 00:13:36,620
She wouldn't jump off or under
or any preposition pertaining
242
00:13:36,620 --> 00:13:40,140
Oh, no. No, in all my years as
a barman, barkeep, chief barman
243
00:13:40,140 --> 00:13:42,900
and baa baa black barman,
I've seen many a tear.
244
00:13:42,900 --> 00:13:44,340
Usually, I've caused it.
245
00:13:44,340 --> 00:13:47,100
I can be a right bitch,
you know. Check this out.
246
00:13:48,100 --> 00:13:51,140
Mmm-hmmmmm!
247
00:13:51,140 --> 00:13:52,780
Wow.
248
00:13:52,780 --> 00:13:53,820
Yeah.
249
00:13:53,820 --> 00:13:55,260
Yeah, that is amazing.
250
00:13:55,260 --> 00:13:57,260
But shouldn't someone comfort Janet?
251
00:13:57,260 --> 00:14:00,820
Oh, I suppose. Arthur! Deal with it!
252
00:14:02,900 --> 00:14:05,900
Well, don't hurry on my account,
you lazy old tart!
253
00:14:06,900 --> 00:14:12,620
Poor Janet. I mean, a widow, a
single mother, and now she's lost
her best friend to her boyfriend.
254
00:14:12,620 --> 00:14:16,500
And is it me, or does she look a bit
hip-y in that tracksuit, too?
255
00:14:16,500 --> 00:14:18,980
Tim, now you're just being cruel.
256
00:14:18,980 --> 00:14:23,980
In all my years of bar work,
I've seen the full gamut
of human emotions.
257
00:14:23,980 --> 00:14:25,940
What's a gamut?
258
00:14:25,940 --> 00:14:28,860
I think it's like an almond,
only bitter.
259
00:14:28,860 --> 00:14:31,820
So, you've seen this
type of thing before, then.
260
00:14:31,820 --> 00:14:34,100
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it'll soon blow over.
261
00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:36,100
She'll have someone else in no time.
262
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:38,340
She's highly desirable
in this neck of the woods.
263
00:14:38,340 --> 00:14:41,300
She's a single mother
with no job and no income.
264
00:14:41,300 --> 00:14:45,980
And no prison record, and no
tattoos. The girl's a catch!
265
00:14:49,060 --> 00:14:50,500
Never let that man near me again!
266
00:14:50,500 --> 00:14:54,420
Do you know what he used to
do to Americans in the war
267
00:14:54,420 --> 00:14:56,140
He called it a GI blow.
268
00:14:59,420 --> 00:15:00,860
Feeling better, are we?
269
00:15:00,860 --> 00:15:02,620
Not really.
270
00:15:02,620 --> 00:15:05,660
I mean, I've lost
the love of my life.
271
00:15:05,660 --> 00:15:09,220
Oh, Janet, love. Oh, shut up!
272
00:15:10,620 --> 00:15:11,660
What?
273
00:15:11,660 --> 00:15:14,820
I can't stand people that wallow.
274
00:15:14,820 --> 00:15:18,700
I see! And what would you do if
Helena left you, eh?
275
00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:20,180
Would you just carry on?
276
00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:22,580
She has left me. Many times.
277
00:15:22,580 --> 00:15:25,900
She moved in with the hooker
from her ladies' rugby team
278
00:15:25,900 --> 00:15:29,380
That's before I promised
to stop coming home in
the middle of the day.
279
00:15:30,340 --> 00:15:31,820
What's wrong with that?
280
00:15:31,820 --> 00:15:33,620
You don't wanna know.
281
00:15:33,620 --> 00:15:37,180
Suffice to say, it's a promise I'll
keep until the day I die.
282
00:15:37,180 --> 00:15:39,900
My eyes nearly popped
clean out of my head!
283
00:15:39,900 --> 00:15:42,220
Well, maybe I'm not
as strong as you.
284
00:15:42,220 --> 00:15:44,660
Maybe I need a good
wallow before I can move on.
285
00:15:44,660 --> 00:15:48,980
I'll second that. In fact,
I'll join you in a good wallow,
we'll be heartbroken together.
286
00:15:48,980 --> 00:15:51,860
Oh, shut up, Wesley Presley.
This is about me!
287
00:15:53,340 --> 00:15:54,540
Oh...!
288
00:15:54,540 --> 00:15:56,340
Ignore her,
she just wants attention.
289
00:15:56,340 --> 00:15:57,540
Oh...!
290
00:16:00,420 --> 00:16:01,660
Oh...!
291
00:16:01,660 --> 00:16:06,180
She's got my blood boiling now. And
when my blood boils, I get my 'tude
292
00:16:06,180 --> 00:16:07,940
Mmmm hmmm!
293
00:16:08,980 --> 00:16:11,180
BOTH: Mmmm hmmm!
294
00:16:14,940 --> 00:16:16,420
# OK, babies
295
00:16:16,420 --> 00:16:18,660
# Check it out
Yeah, yeah
296
00:16:18,660 --> 00:16:20,420
# Can I get a, "Woop, woop", Arthur?
297
00:16:20,420 --> 00:16:24,020
# Listen, y'all, let me give
you the LD on the sit, bro
298
00:16:24,020 --> 00:16:26,940
# T to the I to the M
Claypole
299
00:16:26,940 --> 00:16:28,460
# T to the I to the M
300
00:16:28,460 --> 00:16:30,740
# Janet Keogh
I see your face get sad
301
00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:32,620
# Watching from the office
Kind of making me mad
302
00:16:32,620 --> 00:16:34,660
# I hear you, bro
Brrap!
303
00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:37,460
# Time to work your shit out
And stop your self pity
304
00:16:37,460 --> 00:16:40,140
# Walk like a woman
That boy ain't worth shit
305
00:16:40,140 --> 00:16:41,540
# Eat it
306
00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:46,180
# Wind your sexy booty round my
crusty, three pronged stool
307
00:16:46,180 --> 00:16:50,140
# Suck on my beer mats
Lick up Arthur's drool
308
00:16:50,140 --> 00:16:51,340
# Shamone
309
00:16:51,340 --> 00:16:53,620
# No excuses, no tears, no wallowing
310
00:16:53,620 --> 00:16:54,660
# Give me your hand, bitch
311
00:16:54,660 --> 00:16:57,340
# And let me know
that you're following. #
312
00:16:57,340 --> 00:17:01,020
# I know I'm quite nice
She's rather nice
313
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,940
# I know I'm kind
314
00:17:02,940 --> 00:17:04,980
# She's so very kind
315
00:17:04,980 --> 00:17:10,260
# That's why when I cry all around
I'm letting myself down
316
00:17:10,260 --> 00:17:12,860
# You're letting your ass down
317
00:17:12,860 --> 00:17:15,020
# I am so lovely
318
00:17:15,020 --> 00:17:16,900
# Really, really lovely
319
00:17:16,900 --> 00:17:18,980
# I bake nice cakes
320
00:17:18,980 --> 00:17:20,420
# Such lovely cakes
321
00:17:20,420 --> 00:17:22,620
# Everyone knows that
322
00:17:22,620 --> 00:17:24,060
# Knows that
323
00:17:24,060 --> 00:17:26,460
# But I can't stop the ache
324
00:17:26,460 --> 00:17:28,340
# Stop the ache
325
00:17:29,820 --> 00:17:33,300
BOTH: # Gaz should be ashamed
Cos he's a naughty boy
326
00:17:33,300 --> 00:17:37,460
# Gaz should be ashamed
Cos he's a silly boy
327
00:17:37,460 --> 00:17:40,260
# Gaz should, Gaz should, Gaz should
328
00:17:41,540 --> 00:17:43,380
# Gaz should
329
00:17:45,340 --> 00:17:48,860
# Gaz should be made
To say he's sorry
330
00:17:48,860 --> 00:17:52,940
# Gaz should write
a letter of apology
331
00:17:52,940 --> 00:17:56,220
# Gaz should, Gaz should, Gaz should
332
00:17:57,180 --> 00:17:59,180
# Gaz should
333
00:18:00,140 --> 00:18:01,740
# Gaz is a git
334
00:18:01,740 --> 00:18:03,780
# He's a git
335
00:18:03,780 --> 00:18:05,380
# Gaz is a tit
336
00:18:05,380 --> 00:18:07,940
# Such a big tit
337
00:18:07,940 --> 00:18:10,300
# Coz he's a cheater
338
00:18:10,300 --> 00:18:13,020
# Cos he's a cheater
And he's shagging Donna up the
339
00:18:13,020 --> 00:18:15,020
# Shhhhh
340
00:18:15,860 --> 00:18:17,740
# I'll be polite
341
00:18:17,740 --> 00:18:19,500
# Definitely
342
00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:21,820
# I'll not be unfair
343
00:18:21,820 --> 00:18:23,660
# Ever so mean
344
00:18:23,660 --> 00:18:25,900
# I just don't care
345
00:18:25,900 --> 00:18:28,460
# But he's not seeing my kid no more
346
00:18:32,460 --> 00:18:36,540
# Gaz can think again
about Corinthian
347
00:18:36,540 --> 00:18:40,300
# Gaz can piss right off
Cos he isn't his son
348
00:18:40,300 --> 00:18:44,460
# Gaz can, Gaz can, Gaz can
349
00:18:44,460 --> 00:18:45,500
# Gaz can
350
00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:52,180
# Gaz can go to court
But I'll just tell him no
351
00:18:52,180 --> 00:18:55,900
# Gaz can talk to me
but the kid's no go
352
00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:58,940
# Gaz can, Gaz can, Gaz can
353
00:18:59,980 --> 00:19:01,140
ALL: # Gaz can. #
354
00:19:03,500 --> 00:19:07,220
Yeah, that'll mess him up, won't it?
He won't be expecting that, will he?
355
00:19:07,220 --> 00:19:08,500
I'll mess him up real good.
356
00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:09,980
Well done, Tim, you've broken her.
357
00:19:09,980 --> 00:19:12,500
Suck on that, Gaz Wilkinson!
358
00:19:12,500 --> 00:19:16,820
If you don't want me, then you can't
have Corinthian! Eat it, swallow it,
359
00:19:16,820 --> 00:19:22,900
I'm not keen on that glint in her
eye! She looks like my uncle Billy
after he was castrated by a fence!
360
00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:26,140
Janet, I think, maybe,
you just want to hurt Gaz.
361
00:19:26,140 --> 00:19:27,820
Too bloody right I do.
362
00:19:27,820 --> 00:19:29,900
Isn't he a good dad,
you know, to your son?
363
00:19:30,220 --> 00:19:32,580
Jonny was better!
Gaz just upped and left!
364
00:19:32,580 --> 00:19:35,980
For goodness sake! This Jonny
character I've heard so much about
365
00:19:35,980 --> 00:19:38,820
wasn't exactly a stickler
for sticking around, was he?
366
00:19:39,980 --> 00:19:42,100
Oh come on, it's been a year,
get over it!
367
00:19:44,020 --> 00:19:45,220
What?!
368
00:19:45,220 --> 00:19:48,500
Well, isn't that an
even bigger betrayal?
369
00:19:48,500 --> 00:19:50,060
Dying on you.
370
00:19:50,060 --> 00:19:51,180
What a bastard!
371
00:19:52,140 --> 00:19:54,500
That's unfair, Tim.
Wasn't his fault.
372
00:19:54,500 --> 00:19:57,340
It so was! I've heard how he died!
373
00:19:57,340 --> 00:19:59,020
Yes, ridiculously!
374
00:19:59,020 --> 00:20:01,060
Doesn't make it his fault, though!
375
00:20:01,060 --> 00:20:02,780
He didn't have to take those risks.
376
00:20:02,780 --> 00:20:05,660
Flying to Hawaii,
377
00:20:05,660 --> 00:20:08,860
And it wasn't even Reader's Digest!
That's just not sensible.
378
00:20:09,940 --> 00:20:13,500
No, he didn't have to go anywhere
near a shark if he didn't want to.
379
00:20:13,500 --> 00:20:15,740
How dare you say that to me!
380
00:20:15,740 --> 00:20:19,020
Sometimes sharks are...inevitable.
381
00:20:19,020 --> 00:20:22,060
If this Jonny was still around,
none of this would have happened.
382
00:20:22,060 --> 00:20:23,940
He wouldn't have split
up Gaz and Donna.
383
00:20:23,940 --> 00:20:26,820
No, but...I was grieving.
384
00:20:26,820 --> 00:20:31,220
What I don't get is, how straight
after your husband died, you got off
with your best mate's husband.
385
00:20:31,220 --> 00:20:34,300
Well I...becau...
386
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:36,420
That is an interesting point.
387
00:20:36,420 --> 00:20:41,260
I mean, I've been a bit reticent to
bring it up before, because maybe
it's like a tradition in Runcorn.
388
00:20:41,260 --> 00:20:43,780
You know, like making
fun of the handicapped.
389
00:20:43,780 --> 00:20:45,780
Seems a bit odd, don't you think?
390
00:20:45,780 --> 00:20:46,820
I was grieving!
391
00:20:46,820 --> 00:20:50,820
Didn't you get off with Gaz
before Jonny died?
392
00:20:50,820 --> 00:20:52,620
I was greedy!
393
00:20:53,660 --> 00:20:54,820
And that was a mistake!
394
00:20:54,820 --> 00:20:56,700
One that made you pregnant!
395
00:20:59,900 --> 00:21:01,300
Corinthian is Jonny's.
396
00:21:02,820 --> 00:21:04,900
He is!
397
00:21:04,900 --> 00:21:08,180
How do you... I just know!
398
00:21:08,180 --> 00:21:11,660
But say Corinthian WAS Gaz's.
399
00:21:11,660 --> 00:21:14,380
You'd have one hell of
a bargaining tool.
400
00:21:14,380 --> 00:21:15,660
You could get rid of Donna.
401
00:21:15,660 --> 00:21:19,460
I know. I know that.
But he is Jonny's.
402
00:21:19,460 --> 00:21:22,380
I mean, you only have to look
at the way he eats biscuits.
403
00:21:22,380 --> 00:21:26,820
All slobbery and glassy eyed,
with a tiny erection.
404
00:21:28,820 --> 00:21:30,740
Just like Jonny.
405
00:21:30,740 --> 00:21:34,740
Janet, don't... Look, if it
406
00:21:34,740 --> 00:21:40,500
and losing Jonny,
I'd sacrifice Gaz every time.
407
00:21:40,500 --> 00:21:42,700
Look, it's complicated.
408
00:21:42,700 --> 00:21:45,500
On Facebook, that means you're
cheating on someone.
409
00:21:47,260 --> 00:21:50,620
You're right.
I am cheating on someone.
410
00:21:50,620 --> 00:21:53,660
I'm...cheating on myself!
411
00:21:53,660 --> 00:21:55,980
Oh, get over yourself, drama queen.
412
00:21:57,540 --> 00:22:00,060
I don't think I can cope
with Gaz choosing Donna.
413
00:22:00,060 --> 00:22:01,780
What do you care?
414
00:22:01,780 --> 00:22:03,700
They deserve each other.
415
00:22:03,700 --> 00:22:05,700
Gaz and Donna were meant to be.
416
00:22:05,700 --> 00:22:08,820
You...you're on your own.
417
00:22:08,820 --> 00:22:10,780
I've never been on my own.
418
00:22:10,780 --> 00:22:13,020
Who am I gonna talk to?
419
00:22:13,020 --> 00:22:17,220
Who's gonna take charge of the
remote control? Because I can't be
trusted, I can't!
420
00:22:17,220 --> 00:22:20,180
It'll be night after night of
Come Dine With me on More4.
421
00:22:21,500 --> 00:22:25,860
And when it's over, I'll just switch
over and watch it again on More4+1!
422
00:22:25,860 --> 00:22:28,180
Janet...you've got us.
423
00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:32,660
Yeah, we can be your new gang!
The Three Musketeers!
424
00:22:32,660 --> 00:22:34,900
I don't want to be the Musketeers.
425
00:22:34,900 --> 00:22:36,820
The Three Amigos. The Three Tenors.
426
00:22:36,820 --> 00:22:38,260
Bagsie Pavarotti.
427
00:22:38,260 --> 00:22:40,700
We've all got something in common!
We all hate Gaz!
428
00:22:40,700 --> 00:22:43,180
I don't hate Gaz.
429
00:22:43,180 --> 00:22:45,580
Yes! The Three Gaz Haters!
430
00:22:45,580 --> 00:22:47,500
Seriously, I have
nothing against the guy.
431
00:22:47,500 --> 00:22:49,620
Does it, perchance,
make you want to sing?
432
00:22:49,620 --> 00:22:52,540
Why, yes. Yes it does, Mr Presley.
433
00:22:52,540 --> 00:22:54,860
Oh, what the hell? Hit it!
434
00:23:03,100 --> 00:23:06,700
# Seems that the man's decided
435
00:23:06,700 --> 00:23:09,860
# And his choice, it wasn't me
436
00:23:09,860 --> 00:23:14,020
# But ever since Jonny dieded
437
00:23:14,020 --> 00:23:17,180
# I've not had time to grieve
438
00:23:17,180 --> 00:23:21,100
# Poor Gaz has had such a lot of
439
00:23:21,100 --> 00:23:24,540
# Things to go through this year
440
00:23:24,540 --> 00:23:31,580
# Divorce, death, and not a jot of
sticking it up someone's rear
441
00:23:33,300 --> 00:23:35,220
# Gaz can go free
442
00:23:35,220 --> 00:23:36,740
# Free, free
443
00:23:36,740 --> 00:23:38,660
# He didn't pick me
444
00:23:38,660 --> 00:23:40,580
# Me, me
445
00:23:40,580 --> 00:23:44,100
# I will forgive him
But I won't go with him
446
00:23:44,100 --> 00:23:47,620
# I've got my baby
447
00:23:47,620 --> 00:23:49,460
# I'll let him go now
448
00:23:49,460 --> 00:23:51,740
# I'll just say no now
449
00:23:51,740 --> 00:23:55,180
# For my baby
450
00:24:05,700 --> 00:24:13,300
# Old man's pub with Arthur
Young Wesley and young me
451
00:24:13,300 --> 00:24:17,660
# There's surely nowhere other
452
00:24:17,660 --> 00:24:20,700
# You're better off to be
453
00:24:20,700 --> 00:24:22,020
# Good scan
454
00:24:22,020 --> 00:24:25,380
# New friends are your best ones
455
00:24:25,380 --> 00:24:30,340
# In the town where you were born
456
00:24:30,340 --> 00:24:34,180
# A home for you and Corinthian
457
00:24:35,220 --> 00:24:38,420
# A home for me and Corinthian
458
00:24:38,420 --> 00:24:46,100
# In arse-end Runcorn. #
459
00:24:46,100 --> 00:24:48,500
Hey, let's stop thinking
and start drinking!
460
00:24:48,500 --> 00:24:49,700
BOTH: No.
461
00:24:51,660 --> 00:24:55,100
ALL: # Gaza can suck my bum
Cos he's a nincompoop
462
00:24:55,100 --> 00:24:58,980
# Gaz can stay at home
And whack off his love flute
463
00:24:58,980 --> 00:25:01,660
# Gaz can, Gaz can, Gaz can
464
00:25:03,420 --> 00:25:04,460
# Gaz can
465
00:25:07,500 --> 00:25:10,740
# Donna's stuck with Gaz
I hope that they're happy
466
00:25:10,740 --> 00:25:14,860
# Cos I've got bottles
booties and a full nappy
467
00:25:14,860 --> 00:25:18,140
# Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah
468
00:25:19,180 --> 00:25:20,460
# Oh yeah. #
469
00:25:22,980 --> 00:25:27,380
# If you need a baby daddy
You're looking in the wrong place
470
00:25:27,380 --> 00:25:29,900
# Cos Gaz is just far too laddy
471
00:25:29,900 --> 00:25:33,060
# You need a fresh new face. #
472
00:25:33,060 --> 00:25:34,940
Too soon, Wesley!
473
00:25:34,940 --> 00:25:37,540
# I'm not suggesting me, though
474
00:25:37,540 --> 00:25:39,620
# I'm just saying you could try
475
00:25:39,620 --> 00:25:42,340
# Somebody who wouldn't say no
476
00:25:42,340 --> 00:25:45,220
# To being in your life. #
477
00:25:45,220 --> 00:25:46,860
Wesley, you little man-whore!
478
00:25:48,740 --> 00:25:51,180
# Wesley is right, Gaz was a shite
479
00:25:51,180 --> 00:25:53,340
# I need more than that
Stupid fucking twat
480
00:25:53,340 --> 00:25:56,260
# Let's have a drink
And not over think
481
00:25:56,260 --> 00:25:58,340
# Wesley is right
482
00:25:58,340 --> 00:25:59,900
# I'm moving on
483
00:25:59,900 --> 00:26:02,780
# That dickhead is gone
484
00:26:02,780 --> 00:26:05,820
# Corinthian is my only focus
485
00:26:05,820 --> 00:26:07,620
# I've got to move on
486
00:26:07,620 --> 00:26:09,380
# Donna can keep him
487
00:26:09,380 --> 00:26:11,740
# Cos I'm gonna leap in
488
00:26:12,460 --> 00:26:15,060
# I'll send the sheep in
When he is sleeping
489
00:26:15,060 --> 00:26:17,740
# I'll stop repeating
He's late for our meeting
490
00:26:17,740 --> 00:26:19,780
# I'm going to move on
491
00:26:19,780 --> 00:26:21,220
BOTH: # She's moving on
492
00:26:22,220 --> 00:26:24,580
# She is so gone
493
00:26:24,580 --> 00:26:28,260
# Gaz is no more now
We're wiping the floor now
494
00:26:28,260 --> 00:26:30,460
# She's shutting the door now
495
00:26:30,460 --> 00:26:32,460
# From that man-whore now
496
00:26:32,460 --> 00:26:34,180
# She's moving on
497
00:26:34,180 --> 00:26:35,580
ALL: # It's moving on
498
00:26:36,260 --> 00:26:38,580
# So close the curt-on
499
00:26:38,580 --> 00:26:41,420
# The show is finished
the pain has diminished
500
00:26:41,420 --> 00:26:43,780
# The ending is near now
There's nothing to fear now
501
00:26:43,780 --> 00:26:46,140
# Let's all drink a beer now
Cos we're all still here now
502
00:26:46,140 --> 00:26:48,260
# But we're moving on. #
503
00:26:53,420 --> 00:26:57,700
Oi, God! Can I have my
boyfriend back, please?
504
00:26:57,700 --> 00:26:58,860
We've got a lot of work to do.
505
00:26:58,860 --> 00:27:01,540
Oh, we certainly have, baby!
Ew! Don't call me baby.
506
00:27:01,540 --> 00:27:03,580
It's better than Flapzilla.
507
00:27:04,860 --> 00:27:07,420
You can't give up, Gaz.
If you give up, you die.
508
00:27:07,420 --> 00:27:08,620
I might as well be dead.
509
00:27:11,100 --> 00:27:14,140
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
510
00:27:14,140 --> 00:27:17,180
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