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1
00:00:02,020 --> 00:00:07,460
This programme contains adult humour
and some strong language
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00:00:07,460 --> 00:00:10,860
Gaz, your walked. You're walking!
3
00:00:10,860 --> 00:00:13,580
Not right now - I'm on my arse.
4
00:00:13,580 --> 00:00:16,620
You're the best-looking girl here,
hands down.
5
00:00:16,620 --> 00:00:20,900
I guess I found my motivation -
it was my instinct to protect you.
6
00:00:20,900 --> 00:00:22,180
My man!
7
00:00:22,180 --> 00:00:24,740
John! John! John!
8
00:00:24,740 --> 00:00:28,540
Will you give me the chance to prove
I'm not a back-shit wacko?
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00:00:28,540 --> 00:00:30,820
I missed my period. I think I might
be pregnant.
10
00:00:38,140 --> 00:00:42,060
# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
11
00:00:42,060 --> 00:00:45,900
# I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it
12
00:00:45,900 --> 00:00:51,940
# And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now
13
00:00:51,940 --> 00:00:53,860
# Just think I'll wait a while
14
00:00:53,860 --> 00:00:57,420
# I'll have a pint of lager, please
15
00:00:57,420 --> 00:01:00,620
# And a pack of flakies. #
16
00:01:04,100 --> 00:01:06,540
Isn't it properly amazing,
being a couple?
17
00:01:06,540 --> 00:01:08,860
Yeah, the best things come in twos -
18
00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:12,140
Twixes, boobs and the Chuckle
Brothers.
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00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:14,500
I'm so happy with you, Billy.
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00:01:14,500 --> 00:01:17,700
You make me feel like the nice girl
I always knew I could be.
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00:01:17,700 --> 00:01:21,300
BABY VOICE: Aw! You're my
cuddly-wuddly!
22
00:01:21,300 --> 00:01:24,380
BABY VOICE: Aw!
23
00:01:24,380 --> 00:01:26,540
Gaz is going to love this party.
24
00:01:26,540 --> 00:01:29,420
He is a really big fan of surprises.
25
00:01:29,420 --> 00:01:33,100
Every time he gets
an unexpected erection,
he giggles like a schoolgirl.
26
00:01:33,100 --> 00:01:35,220
I thought he'd have had
enough surprises recently,
27
00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:37,300
what with finding out
that you might be pregnant.
28
00:01:38,780 --> 00:01:41,900
HIGH-PITCHED: Have we got
enough balloons in here?
29
00:01:41,900 --> 00:01:45,740
You haven't told him, have you?!
30
00:01:45,740 --> 00:01:49,460
There's no need. I thought
I missed my period ten years ago.
31
00:01:49,460 --> 00:01:51,340
I've kept a very, very strict diary
ever since,
32
00:01:51,340 --> 00:01:53,300
and now they're more predictable
than...
33
00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:56,020
Prince Philip saying something
unfortunately racist.
34
00:01:57,500 --> 00:01:58,580
I can't have a baby.
35
00:01:58,580 --> 00:02:01,620
Why not?
36
00:02:01,620 --> 00:02:04,340
That's very similar
to looking after a child.
37
00:02:04,340 --> 00:02:06,940
And one person throwing tantrums
and gnawing on my breasts
38
00:02:06,940 --> 00:02:07,980
is quite enough, thank you.
39
00:02:09,460 --> 00:02:11,820
Look, you have to tell him
what's happening.
40
00:02:11,820 --> 00:02:15,180
Oi! I've been waiting for a drink
for five minutes!
41
00:02:15,180 --> 00:02:18,500
I'm sorry, but we're having
a very serious conversation here!
42
00:02:18,500 --> 00:02:19,540
Really?
43
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:23,060
Cos it sounded to me like, "Blah,
blah, blah, I might be pregnant."
44
00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:27,940
Followed by, "Waffle, waffle,
shit advice, flounce."
45
00:02:30,700 --> 00:02:33,900
That was quite a good impression
of you, I'll give him that.
46
00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:37,500
Isn't this great? I love surprises!
47
00:02:37,500 --> 00:02:39,100
Oh!
48
00:02:39,100 --> 00:02:41,140
The guy at the bar's my ex.
49
00:02:41,140 --> 00:02:43,300
He's a complete psychopath.
50
00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:45,860
Even the mention of his name
gives me the chills.
51
00:02:45,860 --> 00:02:47,940
Graham.
52
00:02:47,940 --> 00:02:51,980
I didn't think psychos were called
Graham. More like Slasher...
53
00:02:51,980 --> 00:02:53,740
or Jeremy.
54
00:02:54,780 --> 00:02:57,900
Right, if we play it cool,
maybe he won't notice us.
55
00:02:57,900 --> 00:02:59,340
Hi, Graham!
56
00:02:59,340 --> 00:03:02,620
Your ex-girlfriend Cassie's right
here.
57
00:03:04,660 --> 00:03:08,300
ALL: Surprise!
58
00:03:08,300 --> 00:03:09,940
What a surprise! I didn't
know you had a party planned!
59
00:03:09,940 --> 00:03:14,180
Everyone!
Can I have your attention, please?
60
00:03:14,180 --> 00:03:17,620
Since Gaz has reached
the ripe old age of 30,
61
00:03:17,620 --> 00:03:21,260
I have arranged a little surprise
for him.
62
00:03:21,260 --> 00:03:23,260
I thought it would be nice
63
00:03:23,260 --> 00:03:28,380
to tell everybody the tale of
your incredible journey to
the big 3-0.
64
00:03:28,380 --> 00:03:31,340
# This is your life! #
65
00:03:31,340 --> 00:03:33,340
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
66
00:03:33,340 --> 00:03:36,540
Nice one! All right, listen, listen,
listen. Be warned, everyone,
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00:03:36,540 --> 00:03:39,060
there's going to be some crazy stuff
dug up here, I know there is.
68
00:03:40,460 --> 00:03:43,300
SHE CLEARS THROAT
69
00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:48,180
Aw! ..Gaz Wilkinson came into the
world
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00:03:48,180 --> 00:03:50,700
in a hospital in Runcorn.
71
00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:54,540
He then went to school...in Runcorn.
72
00:03:54,540 --> 00:03:59,500
At 15, Gaz became a mechanic in
Runcorn.
73
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:03,460
13 years later, Gaz was in a car
accident
74
00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:06,460
and had to go back to hospital in
Runcorn,
75
00:04:06,460 --> 00:04:11,660
where it all started for him, in
Runcorn.
76
00:04:12,660 --> 00:04:15,260
It's been quite a journey, hasn't it,
77
00:04:19,940 --> 00:04:22,460
Yeah. Yeah, I, erm...
78
00:04:22,460 --> 00:04:26,140
Yeah, I was born, went to school,
fixed a few engines,
79
00:04:26,140 --> 00:04:28,060
had a car crash and went to
hospital.
80
00:04:28,060 --> 00:04:29,500
Oh, yeah - in Runcorn.
81
00:04:31,620 --> 00:04:36,980
# This is your life. #
82
00:04:41,340 --> 00:04:44,340
I was so excited about getting
my life back after the accident,
83
00:04:44,340 --> 00:04:46,060
but what have I got to show
for the last 30 years,
84
00:04:46,060 --> 00:04:49,820
apart from...knackered wrists
and a massive load of used tissues?
85
00:04:51,620 --> 00:04:54,340
Donna, all I've got is you.
Well, that's not true.
86
00:04:54,340 --> 00:04:55,940
You've got Corinthian.
87
00:04:55,940 --> 00:04:59,540
Yeah, and unlike his dad,
88
00:04:59,540 --> 00:05:01,980
I'm such a waste of space!
I've done nothing worthwhile.
89
00:05:01,980 --> 00:05:06,620
Well, don't say that. I...
I know something major will happen
soon.
90
00:05:06,620 --> 00:05:07,660
Oh, yeah? What?
91
00:05:09,780 --> 00:05:12,020
Well, like you're going to be a dad
again. I'm pregnant, Gaz.
92
00:05:13,060 --> 00:05:14,300
What? How?
93
00:05:16,540 --> 00:05:21,820
Well, when a man and a lady love each
other very much... From us having
94
00:05:21,820 --> 00:05:24,900
How do you think? We weren't
always careful after your accident.
95
00:05:24,900 --> 00:05:29,700
What? No? You mean one of my
disabled little guys
made it through?
96
00:05:31,700 --> 00:05:35,340
Well, they weren't
in wheelchairs themselves.
97
00:05:35,340 --> 00:05:37,540
Or your fanny had good access ramps!
98
00:05:39,340 --> 00:05:41,660
This is amazing!
I can't...I can't believe it!
99
00:05:41,660 --> 00:05:44,140
You're going to be a great mum!
Do you think so?
100
00:05:44,140 --> 00:05:45,740
Yeah, you can handle anything,
101
00:05:45,740 --> 00:05:48,300
like late nights, early mornings,
puke, piss, poo.
102
00:05:48,300 --> 00:05:51,020
Yeah, you're going to be a star!
103
00:05:51,020 --> 00:05:52,620
Yeah, I can't wait.
104
00:05:52,620 --> 00:05:56,100
Look, just...just don't get too
excited.
It's early days yet.
105
00:05:56,100 --> 00:05:58,940
No, no, no, no, I'm cool,
I'm calm, I'm cool, I'm cool.
106
00:05:58,940 --> 00:06:00,300
Yes!
107
00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:02,340
Yes! Hey, who's the daddy?!
108
00:06:02,340 --> 00:06:04,820
Who's the daddy? Me!
That's... I'm the daddy!
109
00:06:04,820 --> 00:06:06,220
Come on!
110
00:06:09,340 --> 00:06:11,940
So I said,
"Hey, I'll have the whole piece,
111
00:06:11,940 --> 00:06:15,060
"but only if you don't tell
the nun."
112
00:06:15,060 --> 00:06:17,740
SHE LAUGHS UNCERTAINLY
113
00:06:17,740 --> 00:06:19,140
Please laugh, Billy.
114
00:06:20,660 --> 00:06:22,900
Oh, I just got it! A nun!
115
00:06:22,900 --> 00:06:26,420
You're dead funny, Graham.
116
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:28,820
Oh, this guy kills me!
117
00:06:28,820 --> 00:06:30,620
I'm going to get some more drinks in.
118
00:06:30,620 --> 00:06:33,020
What are you doing with that drippy
twat?
119
00:06:33,020 --> 00:06:35,620
Ditch him, or I will kill him.
120
00:06:35,620 --> 00:06:38,740
Only joking!
121
00:06:38,740 --> 00:06:39,860
Kind of.
122
00:06:40,860 --> 00:06:42,940
Look, Graham, I'm with Billy now
and...
123
00:06:42,940 --> 00:06:45,860
You need to be with
someone dangerous like me.
124
00:06:45,860 --> 00:06:49,940
Come on, remember all the trouble
we got in, all the plans we made?
125
00:06:49,940 --> 00:06:52,460
We never could have invaded Wales.
126
00:06:53,900 --> 00:06:56,820
And I'm not like that any more.
I want to be a good girl now,
127
00:06:56,820 --> 00:06:59,340
like Holly Willoughby.
128
00:06:59,340 --> 00:07:05,500
So if I said, "Let's go and steal
some lighter fuel, set a sheep on
fire
129
00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:07,780
"and then shag on its ashy remains,"
130
00:07:07,780 --> 00:07:10,180
that wouldn't get you going?
131
00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:13,060
Baa!
HE MIMICS EXPLOSION
132
00:07:13,060 --> 00:07:15,700
Ooh, you still know how to make me
wet!
133
00:07:17,940 --> 00:07:21,140
Oh! Hello, Leonard.
Were you hoping for a drink?
134
00:07:21,140 --> 00:07:23,420
I was actually thinking about dinner.
135
00:07:23,420 --> 00:07:25,980
Oh, you'll be lucky.
We stopped serving at seven.
136
00:07:25,980 --> 00:07:27,740
Look, I meant you and me.
137
00:07:27,740 --> 00:07:29,900
In a restaurant.
138
00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:31,580
Not here.
139
00:07:31,580 --> 00:07:33,260
On another day.
140
00:07:33,260 --> 00:07:36,860
Yes, all right! You don't have to
141
00:07:36,860 --> 00:07:39,020
What exactly are you saying?
142
00:07:39,020 --> 00:07:40,900
I'd like to go out with you, Tim.
143
00:07:40,900 --> 00:07:42,540
But why?
144
00:07:42,540 --> 00:07:44,620
I think you know why.
145
00:07:44,620 --> 00:07:46,100
Oh!
146
00:07:46,820 --> 00:07:47,860
You.
147
00:07:48,860 --> 00:07:50,100
No, seriously, why?
148
00:07:51,260 --> 00:07:54,260
Because I think you're cute,
and I'd like to get to know you
149
00:07:54,260 --> 00:07:56,420
and...see if we can
take things to the next level.
150
00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:02,140
So? How about tomorrow?
Well, it sounds lovely.
151
00:08:02,140 --> 00:08:03,900
Whoa there, cowboy!
152
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,940
Let's wait for the date!
153
00:08:05,940 --> 00:08:08,620
Come on. Good.
154
00:08:13,620 --> 00:08:15,300
Gaz, we need to talk!
155
00:08:18,820 --> 00:08:20,100
Wait, wait, wait.
156
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:21,300
Check it out.
157
00:08:23,540 --> 00:08:25,300
Watch this! Watch, watch, watch!
158
00:08:29,180 --> 00:08:31,180
What's up?
159
00:08:31,180 --> 00:08:35,900
Well, er, I went to the doctor's
to make sure that everything's OK...
160
00:08:35,900 --> 00:08:40,580
Why didn't you tell me?
I wanted to come and gloat,
offer some of me power spunk.
161
00:08:40,580 --> 00:08:43,460
She asked me if I'd been
under any stress lately
162
00:08:43,460 --> 00:08:48,340
and I said that my boyfriend
was in a coma, then paralysed,
163
00:08:48,340 --> 00:08:50,100
our flat had burnt down,
164
00:08:50,100 --> 00:08:52,980
we were homeless and broke,
165
00:08:52,980 --> 00:08:55,620
and our lives had entirely no hope...
166
00:08:57,180 --> 00:09:00,740
..and she said
that could cause some stress.
167
00:09:01,740 --> 00:09:03,420
What are you saying?
Is the baby all right?
168
00:09:03,420 --> 00:09:06,100
There is no baby. I'm not pregnant,
it was just stress.
169
00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:10,300
What, you were pregnant with stress?
What's that, like a food baby?
170
00:09:12,380 --> 00:09:15,380
No, my...my body got all...shagged up
171
00:09:15,380 --> 00:09:18,780
That's why I missed my period,
so we're not having a baby.
172
00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:21,500
Oh, right.
173
00:09:21,500 --> 00:09:23,340
I'm so sorry, Gaz.
174
00:09:23,340 --> 00:09:28,900
Hey, no, no!
Hey, it's not your fault,
you know? Are you all right?
175
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:32,180
Yeah, yeah, I'm sure... They have to
do some more tests, but...
176
00:09:33,380 --> 00:09:35,100
I should never have told you
I was pregnant.
177
00:09:35,100 --> 00:09:37,260
I just wanted to make you feel
better.
178
00:09:37,260 --> 00:09:39,460
As long as you're OK.
179
00:09:39,460 --> 00:09:43,060
Hey, well, come on!
We can do it now!
Let's get them eggs scrambled!
180
00:09:44,380 --> 00:09:45,420
What?
181
00:09:45,420 --> 00:09:48,580
We can have a kid!
My jizz brigade managed it once.
182
00:09:48,580 --> 00:09:51,340
You were going to have
the baby before.
Right, but that's when I thought
183
00:09:51,340 --> 00:09:53,900
I had no choice and...now I can
choose.
184
00:09:53,900 --> 00:09:56,220
I don't want a baby, I never have,
you know that.
185
00:09:56,220 --> 00:09:57,700
What about what I want?
186
00:09:57,700 --> 00:09:59,420
What about all this shit?
187
00:09:59,420 --> 00:10:02,940
I don't need £200 credit at
Mothercare.
188
00:10:02,940 --> 00:10:06,740
Right, so we should have a baby
because you bought a cot?
189
00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:08,300
And a pram.
190
00:10:09,540 --> 00:10:12,380
Look, I'm sorry, Gaz, I really am,
191
00:10:12,380 --> 00:10:14,660
but things have changed so much
lately,
192
00:10:14,660 --> 00:10:16,340
I'm just happy with
the way things are now.
193
00:10:16,340 --> 00:10:18,860
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not.
194
00:10:18,860 --> 00:10:20,580
Well, what does that mean?
195
00:10:21,740 --> 00:10:23,460
I don't know. I...
196
00:10:26,380 --> 00:10:28,220
I suppose I'd better
take all this stuff back.
197
00:10:29,740 --> 00:10:31,700
Come on, Gaz Junior. Let's go.
198
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:35,420
Shite!
199
00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:40,740
Are you OK, Gaz?
200
00:10:42,580 --> 00:10:44,100
Not really.
201
00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:48,420
Come on, cheer up, babe.
You've got to look on
the bright side of life.
202
00:10:48,420 --> 00:10:52,300
Cassie's out with her ex and I think,
"Good for her, that she still can
203
00:10:52,300 --> 00:10:53,820
"with a handsome former lover."
204
00:10:55,140 --> 00:10:58,380
And if she decides to leave me
for him then...what
can you do?
205
00:10:58,380 --> 00:10:59,460
Are you thick?
206
00:11:00,940 --> 00:11:02,780
What you can do is stand up for
yourself!
207
00:11:02,780 --> 00:11:06,340
Cassie wears the trousers in
our relationship, and I wear the
knickers.
208
00:11:07,340 --> 00:11:10,420
Listen, if you don't fight for
your woman,
you're gonna lose her.
209
00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:12,340
Don't let life pass you by like it
has me,
210
00:11:12,340 --> 00:11:16,540
otherwise you'll end up
a sad old man
with just broken dreams.
211
00:11:16,540 --> 00:11:18,580
Sounds like you need a change of
scene.
212
00:11:18,580 --> 00:11:20,580
You should visit somewhere.
Like where?
213
00:11:21,580 --> 00:11:22,860
Like Liverpool!
214
00:11:22,860 --> 00:11:25,540
I don't need to score any crack,
215
00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:28,340
Gaz, it's the City of Culture.
216
00:11:28,340 --> 00:11:30,900
It's produced amazing things.
217
00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:33,340
Me!
218
00:11:33,340 --> 00:11:36,100
Yeah, I think I'll go somewhere
else, thanks, Billy.
219
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:40,980
All right, Gaz?
220
00:11:40,980 --> 00:11:43,140
Yeah, I'm great. I'm leaving.
221
00:11:43,140 --> 00:11:45,140
But you only just got here, love.
222
00:11:45,140 --> 00:11:46,540
No, I'm leaving Runcorn.
223
00:11:46,540 --> 00:11:49,940
I wanna see more of the world,
like that time when
I saw them rhinos in the wild.
224
00:11:49,940 --> 00:11:52,180
That was Knowsley Safari Park.
225
00:11:52,180 --> 00:11:56,420
Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, this time
I'm gonna go even further than
226
00:11:56,420 --> 00:11:57,700
What, Wigan?
227
00:11:59,140 --> 00:12:02,140
So that's it? I won't have your baby
so you're leaving me?
228
00:12:02,140 --> 00:12:03,420
No, I want you to come with me.
229
00:12:04,620 --> 00:12:08,300
Look, Donna, you're...
you're the only
good thing I've got left, right,
230
00:12:08,300 --> 00:12:12,300
and if you are stressed out,
231
00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:16,260
Well, it is better than your
suggestion
that I strum one out.
232
00:12:16,260 --> 00:12:17,460
What do you say?
233
00:12:18,540 --> 00:12:19,820
OK, why not?
234
00:12:21,180 --> 00:12:22,860
I could do with getting away.
235
00:12:22,860 --> 00:12:26,100
I'm not really fussed about my job,
to be honest.
I hate HR, they're all wankers.
236
00:12:27,820 --> 00:12:29,180
Maybe this might be good for us.
237
00:12:30,660 --> 00:12:33,220
Yes, this is brilliant! That's br...
238
00:12:33,220 --> 00:12:34,260
Right, erm...
239
00:12:34,260 --> 00:12:36,300
Right, so I guess...I guess we
should...
240
00:12:36,300 --> 00:12:38,980
we should go to Rome and do
as the Romans do, whatever that is.
241
00:12:38,980 --> 00:12:43,620
And then we can check out the rain
in Spain, which falls mainly
on the plain.
242
00:12:43,620 --> 00:12:45,020
Whatever that is.
243
00:12:45,020 --> 00:12:46,180
Marvellous.
244
00:12:46,180 --> 00:12:51,100
Any plans that aren't based on crap
sayings that you clearly don't
understand?
245
00:12:51,100 --> 00:12:53,420
Not really, no.
246
00:12:53,420 --> 00:12:55,300
Right...
247
00:12:57,740 --> 00:12:58,980
Hiya, Billy, mate.
248
00:12:58,980 --> 00:13:01,260
You all right, babe? I mean...
249
00:13:01,260 --> 00:13:03,820
DEEP VOICE: You all right, babe?
250
00:13:03,820 --> 00:13:07,260
Look, I've had enough. You can't take
my girlfriend off me - she's mine.
251
00:13:07,260 --> 00:13:10,900
Well, technically I'm hers,
but...but that's how I want it.
252
00:13:10,900 --> 00:13:12,700
Why would I steal your girlfriend?
253
00:13:12,700 --> 00:13:16,140
Even though she should be with me,
because you're a pathetic loser.
254
00:13:16,140 --> 00:13:18,300
HE LAUGHS
255
00:13:19,300 --> 00:13:22,300
I know your game -
how you pretend you're joking,
256
00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:24,100
but actually you mean stuff.
257
00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:26,820
Hey, you're smarter than you look,
mate.
258
00:13:26,820 --> 00:13:29,500
HE LAUGHS
259
00:13:31,580 --> 00:13:34,540
Anyway, Cassie,
you can only be with one of us.
260
00:13:34,540 --> 00:13:36,140
It's either him or me.
261
00:13:36,140 --> 00:13:38,580
What, you want me to choose?
262
00:13:38,580 --> 00:13:40,300
Yeah, I'm standing up for myself.
263
00:13:40,300 --> 00:13:41,780
If...that's OK.
264
00:13:43,660 --> 00:13:46,580
Tomorrow at two o'clock,
I'm going to be somewhere dead
romantic
265
00:13:46,580 --> 00:13:49,060
and if you want to be with me,
you should meet me there.
266
00:13:49,060 --> 00:13:50,980
Right, where?
267
00:13:50,980 --> 00:13:53,060
This pub.
268
00:13:53,060 --> 00:13:56,460
All right, well, I'll be
269
00:13:56,460 --> 00:14:00,380
If you pick me, meet me there
and we'll leave
this shitty little town.
270
00:14:00,380 --> 00:14:01,980
WHISPERS: Damn, that's better than
mine.
271
00:14:01,980 --> 00:14:06,140
But this'll be like picking between
Phillip Schofield and Satan!
272
00:14:07,860 --> 00:14:10,860
No woman can be expected
to make that choice!
273
00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:16,420
So are you looking forward
to your first date tonight?
274
00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:17,860
It's not my first date!
275
00:14:17,860 --> 00:14:20,340
I mean, it's my first ever gay date,
276
00:14:20,340 --> 00:14:24,020
but I obviously had
lots of hot mamas before Helena.
277
00:14:24,020 --> 00:14:26,060
Yes, I was quite the tom cat.
278
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:30,940
No, this is literally my first date,
gay or otherwise.
279
00:14:30,940 --> 00:14:33,020
And you're shitting yourself, aren't
you?
280
00:14:33,020 --> 00:14:34,740
Oh, like a burst pipe!
281
00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:38,420
Leonard was talking about
taking things to the next level.
282
00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:41,500
Ooh, you lucky bugger!
283
00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:43,940
Well, fill your boots...
284
00:14:43,940 --> 00:14:46,060
with spunk!
285
00:14:48,100 --> 00:14:52,700
And by "boots", I mean "mouth".
286
00:14:52,700 --> 00:14:57,780
Ew! Ew! Well, don't you think
it's all moving a bit fast?
287
00:14:57,780 --> 00:15:02,100
No, you twat! Look, are you sure
288
00:15:02,100 --> 00:15:04,620
Are you frightened to get
physically close to someone?
289
00:15:04,620 --> 00:15:06,140
Of course not!
290
00:15:06,140 --> 00:15:08,660
Don't touch me! Stay away!
291
00:15:08,660 --> 00:15:10,180
You need to relax.
292
00:15:10,180 --> 00:15:13,100
You could do with a good shafting.
Right, hey!
293
00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:17,300
How about I pick you out a nice
shirt,
294
00:15:17,300 --> 00:15:19,820
something that says "spunk in my
boots"?
295
00:15:22,060 --> 00:15:24,420
PHONE RINGS
296
00:15:25,660 --> 00:15:27,660
Donna's dirty chatline.
297
00:15:28,940 --> 00:15:30,620
Oh! Oh, Donna, it's the hospital.
298
00:15:33,060 --> 00:15:34,100
Hello?
299
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:36,780
Yes, my test results, yeah.
300
00:15:38,780 --> 00:15:40,940
Well, what do you mean, inconclusive?
301
00:15:43,300 --> 00:15:46,620
Right, but you were rooting around
in my fanny for the best part of
an hour
302
00:15:46,620 --> 00:15:50,700
and if you'd been there any longer,
I would have charged you rent.
303
00:15:53,140 --> 00:15:54,940
I see.
304
00:15:57,140 --> 00:15:58,780
Right, erm, thank you.
305
00:16:00,620 --> 00:16:02,780
Donna, what's wrong?
306
00:16:02,780 --> 00:16:06,900
They don't know. I've got to be
available for more tests.
307
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:08,780
Well, how long for?
308
00:16:09,860 --> 00:16:10,900
They don't know.
309
00:16:10,900 --> 00:16:13,980
But what about you going away with
Gaz?
310
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:17,420
Yeah, I guess that's not happening.
311
00:16:17,420 --> 00:16:19,580
Yeah, he hadn't thought it through
anyway.
312
00:16:19,580 --> 00:16:22,820
He probably wanted to
cross the Atlantic on a pedalo.
313
00:16:22,820 --> 00:16:26,500
Look, do you want me to cancel
my date and stay with you?
314
00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:28,980
No, of course not. Anyway, come on.
315
00:16:30,020 --> 00:16:32,620
Let's not worry about
my life-threatening illness
316
00:16:32,620 --> 00:16:37,060
and crushing my boyfriend's dreams,
and pick you out a lovely shirt.
317
00:16:37,060 --> 00:16:40,220
Something with a subtle nod
to 1920s Hollywood!
318
00:16:42,780 --> 00:16:47,220
Whoo-hoo! Eh?
I'm all prepared for our travels.
319
00:16:47,220 --> 00:16:48,900
Arriba, huh?
320
00:16:50,380 --> 00:16:53,660
Are we going to a Looney Tunes
cartoon?
321
00:16:53,660 --> 00:16:55,420
Look, Gaz, we need to talk.
322
00:16:55,420 --> 00:16:56,940
Wait, wait, no, me first, listen.
323
00:16:56,940 --> 00:17:01,420
I know that you thought I wasn't
324
00:17:01,420 --> 00:17:03,980
I bought this book, right,
and it says in here
325
00:17:03,980 --> 00:17:07,340
that they use different money
in different countries.
326
00:17:08,860 --> 00:17:10,580
It's called currency.
327
00:17:11,580 --> 00:17:13,660
You really are taking this
seriously, aren't you?
328
00:17:13,660 --> 00:17:16,740
Yeah, of course! We can't just
329
00:17:16,740 --> 00:17:19,020
Look, Gaz,
I don't think I can go with you.
330
00:17:19,020 --> 00:17:21,380
What? No, you said you would,
you were up for it.
331
00:17:21,380 --> 00:17:23,180
Right, but that was before I knew...
332
00:17:23,180 --> 00:17:24,620
Knew what?
333
00:17:24,620 --> 00:17:27,140
It...it doesn't matter.
334
00:17:28,220 --> 00:17:30,140
Oh, great. Great.
335
00:17:30,140 --> 00:17:33,060
So I've got a ton of baby stuff
I can't use and a sombrero
I can't wear.
336
00:17:33,060 --> 00:17:37,020
Right, so maybe you should stop
randomly buying things.
337
00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:41,700
Look, it's not that I think that
338
00:17:41,700 --> 00:17:44,140
You should just go on your own.
339
00:17:44,140 --> 00:17:45,580
What?
340
00:17:45,580 --> 00:17:47,300
You really want to do this.
341
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:50,020
You bought a book, for God's sakes!
342
00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:54,860
If you're that passionate about it,
you should go.
343
00:17:54,860 --> 00:17:58,380
Well, what a surprise(!)
Donna's being selfish again.
344
00:17:58,380 --> 00:18:01,020
Is this about your career, is it?
No,
345
00:18:01,020 --> 00:18:03,700
it's just that you act like
all you've got is me.
346
00:18:03,700 --> 00:18:08,740
Well, what if you didn't have
me any more
and what if I wasn't around?
347
00:18:08,740 --> 00:18:10,420
What does that mean?!
348
00:18:10,420 --> 00:18:12,660
It means I can...
349
00:18:12,660 --> 00:18:15,140
I can't keep holding you back.
350
00:18:15,140 --> 00:18:17,140
Everything's got to be
on your terms, hasn't it?
351
00:18:17,140 --> 00:18:19,660
It isn't like that.
It's always like that!
352
00:18:19,660 --> 00:18:21,780
You say you'll go away with me
then you won't,
353
00:18:21,780 --> 00:18:23,220
you say you'll have me kid then you
don't.
354
00:18:23,220 --> 00:18:24,340
No, Gaz...
355
00:18:24,340 --> 00:18:28,180
Do you know what? Do you know what?
I'm glad that we never bothered.
356
00:18:28,180 --> 00:18:29,940
You'd be a terrible mother.
357
00:18:31,700 --> 00:18:33,340
All you care about is yourself.
358
00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:45,020
Are you sure you're having
a good time, Tim?
You seem a little nervous.
359
00:18:46,460 --> 00:18:50,660
No! I'm not nervous! Not me!
360
00:18:50,660 --> 00:18:53,220
I've been on loads of dates, I have!
361
00:18:53,220 --> 00:18:56,420
In no way do I feel
out of my comfort zone.
362
00:19:01,380 --> 00:19:02,780
Relax a bit, OK?
363
00:19:02,780 --> 00:19:04,220
OK, I'll try.
364
00:19:04,220 --> 00:19:07,380
Well, that was a lovely main course,
wasn't it?
365
00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:11,140
Yes, it was, Leonard. It was, yeah.
366
00:19:11,140 --> 00:19:13,140
So...
367
00:19:14,460 --> 00:19:15,780
What now?
368
00:19:18,100 --> 00:19:22,060
As a noble suitor, I feel
369
00:19:22,060 --> 00:19:24,580
and we should bring this evening
370
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:25,660
Tim?
371
00:19:25,660 --> 00:19:27,380
I shall leave enough money
to pay for the meal.
372
00:19:27,380 --> 00:19:32,020
As I consider myself the man,
373
00:19:32,020 --> 00:19:34,500
Not that you're...not the man.
374
00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:35,820
No, no, no, erm...
375
00:19:35,820 --> 00:19:40,140
Nor that if me and you were to
ever...er, you know,
376
00:19:40,140 --> 00:19:42,220
that we would somehow designate
roles.
377
00:19:43,820 --> 00:19:45,260
I bid you good day!
378
00:19:50,180 --> 00:19:51,460
Wrong way!
379
00:19:53,420 --> 00:19:55,620
That's it, Tim! Cassie's not coming!
380
00:19:55,620 --> 00:19:58,260
Well, she'd better be!
Her next shift's at four.
381
00:19:58,260 --> 00:19:59,740
I meant she's not coming for me.
382
00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:01,380
She's picked Graham.
383
00:20:01,380 --> 00:20:05,500
Oh, never mind, Billy. Some of us
are just destined to be alone.
384
00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:09,100
I know I'll be growing old
without any physical pleasure
385
00:20:09,100 --> 00:20:12,620
and only my legions of cats and my
John Barrowman photograph for
company.
386
00:20:13,860 --> 00:20:18,020
Come on, Captain Jack,
let's embrace our lonely fate.
387
00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:21,580
He's a chuffing drama queen,
my brother.
388
00:20:21,580 --> 00:20:23,180
Cassie! You came!
389
00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:27,060
How could I choose anyone over you,
Billy McCormack?
390
00:20:27,060 --> 00:20:30,660
But Graham's fun and nice-looking
and he tells a good story.
391
00:20:30,660 --> 00:20:33,300
Oh, and that smile of his!
392
00:20:34,380 --> 00:20:36,580
You can still go catch him
at the train station.
393
00:20:36,580 --> 00:20:39,180
He wouldn't be interested in me.
394
00:20:39,180 --> 00:20:41,980
Shut up, you lovely moron!
395
00:20:41,980 --> 00:20:43,460
OK.
396
00:20:48,260 --> 00:20:49,860
Gaz?
397
00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:54,340
Gaz?
398
00:21:03,620 --> 00:21:05,500
"Donna, I've gone to the airport.
399
00:21:05,500 --> 00:21:07,940
"I've wasted enough time
hanging round here.
400
00:21:07,940 --> 00:21:11,220
"Maybe when I come back
you'll have learned to be less
selfish.
401
00:21:11,220 --> 00:21:13,060
"That's if I ever do come back.
402
00:21:13,060 --> 00:21:14,700
"See ya. Gaz."
403
00:21:17,380 --> 00:21:19,100
I love you, Cassie.
404
00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:21,860
I love you too, Billy McCormack.
405
00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:25,980
Aw, ain't this touching(!)
406
00:21:25,980 --> 00:21:28,940
I think I might be sick.
Graham?
407
00:21:28,940 --> 00:21:32,060
I knew you'd choose Billy over me...
because you're a loser
408
00:21:32,060 --> 00:21:33,740
and you wanna be with other losers.
409
00:21:33,740 --> 00:21:37,980
Plus, I saw it on your Twitter feed!
410
00:21:37,980 --> 00:21:40,620
Well, if I can't have you back,
411
00:21:40,620 --> 00:21:43,500
I ain't gonna let this pathetic
Scouser have you either.
412
00:21:43,500 --> 00:21:44,740
You stay away from him!
413
00:21:44,740 --> 00:21:46,420
I can fight me own battles, Cassie.
I'm tough.
414
00:21:46,420 --> 00:21:47,980
Shut it, Billy! OK.
415
00:21:49,260 --> 00:21:51,540
I never stood up to you
when we were together,
416
00:21:51,540 --> 00:21:52,740
so I'm doing it now.
417
00:21:52,740 --> 00:21:54,780
You're not gonna do anything to me.
418
00:21:54,780 --> 00:21:57,940
You're just a frightened little
girl.
419
00:21:57,940 --> 00:22:00,740
You need a real man like me
to take control of you.
420
00:22:01,700 --> 00:22:03,420
God, you're right.
421
00:22:03,420 --> 00:22:06,020
I should be with someone like you.
422
00:22:06,020 --> 00:22:07,420
That's all I'm good for.
423
00:22:09,100 --> 00:22:11,260
Only joking!
424
00:22:14,980 --> 00:22:19,860
Now fuck off and if you ever
come back again, I will kill you!
425
00:22:19,860 --> 00:22:22,580
Cassie, that was amazing!
426
00:22:22,580 --> 00:22:25,660
Oh, I'm so proud of you!
427
00:22:25,660 --> 00:22:28,540
Even though you technically
threatened to murder someone.
428
00:22:28,540 --> 00:22:30,460
You chose me cos I stood up for
myself!
429
00:22:30,460 --> 00:22:32,780
I've got to do that more often.
430
00:22:32,780 --> 00:22:34,740
OK, great.
431
00:22:39,420 --> 00:22:40,780
Gaz!
432
00:22:40,780 --> 00:22:42,220
Gaz...
433
00:22:42,220 --> 00:22:44,260
I'm s-sorry.
434
00:22:45,260 --> 00:22:48,660
Gaz. Gaz!
435
00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:50,980
Why couldn't I go out with
a blond bloke with an Afro?!
436
00:22:54,100 --> 00:22:58,380
Oh, John Barrowman photo,
you understand me.
437
00:22:58,380 --> 00:23:00,980
You're not concerned
with matters of the flesh.
438
00:23:00,980 --> 00:23:03,820
Oh, why would you be?
You're a photograph!
439
00:23:03,820 --> 00:23:05,660
KNOCK AT DOOR
440
00:23:05,660 --> 00:23:07,300
KNOCK AT DOOR
441
00:23:07,300 --> 00:23:11,700
h, Beyonce's bloomers! If you've
442
00:23:11,700 --> 00:23:15,660
Hello.
Leonard! Who let you up here?
443
00:23:15,660 --> 00:23:18,140
Your sister.
Well, she had to stop going at it
444
00:23:18,140 --> 00:23:21,220
with her boyfriend
on the bar first, but...
445
00:23:21,220 --> 00:23:23,420
Well, I hope she put
a beer mat down.
446
00:23:23,420 --> 00:23:27,020
Look, I'm not really comfortable
with you being here.
447
00:23:27,020 --> 00:23:29,340
What are you so afraid of?
448
00:23:29,340 --> 00:23:33,260
You! And your big...penis.
449
00:23:33,260 --> 00:23:35,380
Tim, please!
450
00:23:35,380 --> 00:23:36,940
It's not that big.
451
00:23:36,940 --> 00:23:38,940
It's pretty big.
452
00:23:38,940 --> 00:23:40,860
But not that big.
453
00:23:40,860 --> 00:23:42,100
Why is that scary?
454
00:23:42,100 --> 00:23:46,940
Because you wouldn't really want me.
Let's be honest, I'm not sexy.
455
00:23:46,940 --> 00:23:48,380
I think you're sexy.
456
00:23:48,380 --> 00:23:50,300
Oh, you're just saying that.
457
00:23:50,300 --> 00:23:51,660
Look at me! Who'd want to...?
458
00:23:55,300 --> 00:23:57,620
Oh, my...!
459
00:24:00,020 --> 00:24:01,140
Oh!
460
00:24:01,140 --> 00:24:03,140
I really fancy you...
461
00:24:03,140 --> 00:24:05,420
and I'm happy to take things slow.
462
00:24:06,500 --> 00:24:07,580
Bugger that!
463
00:24:10,820 --> 00:24:12,780
Gaz! Excuse me, excuse me.
464
00:24:12,780 --> 00:24:13,820
Gaz! Sorry.
465
00:24:13,820 --> 00:24:16,300
Gaz. You're coming?
466
00:24:17,900 --> 00:24:19,740
Travelling a bit light, aren't you?
467
00:24:19,740 --> 00:24:22,020
Er, no, I'm not coming with you.
468
00:24:22,020 --> 00:24:25,580
I just... I didn't want you hating me
from the other side of the world.
469
00:24:27,220 --> 00:24:29,260
I don't hate you. I couldn't.
470
00:24:32,140 --> 00:24:33,420
I could stay.
471
00:24:33,420 --> 00:24:35,700
No, you need to do this.
472
00:24:35,700 --> 00:24:38,860
There's more to your life than
Runcorn.
473
00:24:40,420 --> 00:24:42,220
Unless you want to stay?
474
00:24:42,220 --> 00:24:43,900
I do, I do.
475
00:24:46,780 --> 00:24:48,540
Just...I also want to go.
476
00:24:50,300 --> 00:24:51,740
Then you should go.
477
00:24:53,820 --> 00:24:54,980
Or you could stay.
478
00:24:54,980 --> 00:24:57,820
No, no, Donna, you're doing
my head in. I can't...
479
00:25:02,660 --> 00:25:04,420
I love you so much.
480
00:25:04,420 --> 00:25:08,940
I love you too. I...I always will.
481
00:25:10,620 --> 00:25:12,860
No, I was just thinking about having
kids.
482
00:25:12,860 --> 00:25:17,300
I mean, if a poor young couple
accidentally fall pregnant
483
00:25:17,300 --> 00:25:19,700
then they can still be all right,
can't they?
484
00:25:19,700 --> 00:25:22,820
MUSIC: "All Time Love"
by Will Young
485
00:25:22,820 --> 00:25:24,700
Ah-ha! Ta-da!
486
00:25:24,700 --> 00:25:25,860
Ta-da!
487
00:25:25,860 --> 00:25:27,900
I love you, Donna.
488
00:25:27,900 --> 00:25:29,260
I can only offer you my heart.
489
00:25:35,900 --> 00:25:36,940
Gaz, you promised me
490
00:25:36,940 --> 00:25:38,900
this wouldn't happen again!
Want to get in?
491
00:25:49,180 --> 00:25:51,100
Oh, my God! Miaow!
492
00:25:54,420 --> 00:25:55,620
Let's give it another ten minutes.
493
00:25:55,620 --> 00:25:57,540
If nothing happens,
I'll stick me finger up your arse.
494
00:25:59,940 --> 00:26:02,780
Ah! Wait, what are you doing?
I thought
we were going to christen the van?
495
00:26:05,100 --> 00:26:06,180
Stop!
496
00:26:06,180 --> 00:26:08,180
Satan!
497
00:26:08,180 --> 00:26:10,180
Why can't you just leave me alone?!
498
00:26:10,180 --> 00:26:11,420
It's a sheep!
499
00:26:11,420 --> 00:26:12,660
Baa! Argh!
500
00:26:14,260 --> 00:26:16,180
SHEEP BLEATS
501
00:26:16,180 --> 00:26:19,260
Maybe you could wear skirts
that leave less to the
imagination...
502
00:26:27,700 --> 00:26:28,940
Are you crying?
503
00:26:28,940 --> 00:26:30,220
No, you twat!
504
00:26:32,020 --> 00:26:34,700
Shut up.
Never speak to me again!
505
00:26:34,700 --> 00:26:35,900
How did this happen?
506
00:26:44,460 --> 00:26:45,980
You don't understand me.
507
00:26:51,140 --> 00:26:54,380
Anyone who stuck their cock
in their wife's best friend!
508
00:26:54,380 --> 00:26:55,860
The tit wanks are more cushiony.
509
00:26:57,140 --> 00:26:58,780
Right!
510
00:26:58,780 --> 00:27:01,180
Yes! Yes!
511
00:27:01,180 --> 00:27:03,900
Have you got a massive hard-on?
512
00:27:04,900 --> 00:27:05,980
I hate you.
513
00:27:06,940 --> 00:27:08,500
Bogge ye offe!
514
00:27:08,500 --> 00:27:10,860
We can't keep doing this, Gaz.
We're adults now.
515
00:27:10,860 --> 00:27:12,700
What have I been doing?
516
00:27:12,700 --> 00:27:14,260
But I love him too. I always have.
517
00:27:14,260 --> 00:27:15,780
So will you marry me?
518
00:27:15,780 --> 00:27:17,980
Go on, give us a snog, pretty girl.
519
00:27:21,700 --> 00:27:22,980
Will you marry me?
520
00:27:22,980 --> 00:27:24,300
I love you.
521
00:27:29,060 --> 00:27:30,980
ANNOUNCEMENT BELL CHIMES
522
00:27:30,980 --> 00:27:35,780
TANNOY: 'Would passenger Wilkinson
please proceed to gate 9
immediately.'
523
00:27:35,780 --> 00:27:37,860
You've got to go.
524
00:27:37,860 --> 00:27:39,700
I don't want to go now.
525
00:27:39,700 --> 00:27:40,900
Yes, you do.
526
00:27:44,340 --> 00:27:47,300
Come here. Don't...
527
00:27:57,340 --> 00:28:01,140
I love you, all right? Bye.
528
00:28:05,620 --> 00:28:08,220
# I want an all time love
529
00:28:08,220 --> 00:28:15,620
# To find me
530
00:28:15,620 --> 00:28:21,140
# I want an all time love
531
00:28:21,140 --> 00:28:27,540
# Cos nothing else is good enough
532
00:28:28,700 --> 00:28:33,740
# I want an all time love
533
00:28:33,740 --> 00:28:41,420
# To find me. #
39991
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