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1
00:00:02,020 --> 00:00:04,460
This is a chance for us
to take a look at our lives.
2
00:00:04,460 --> 00:00:06,220
How's your wife?
On a nationwide rugby tour.
3
00:00:06,220 --> 00:00:10,260
Billy got pissed. Oh shit!
4
00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:14,020
I am going to be
a high-flying HR manager
5
00:00:14,020 --> 00:00:18,580
in the exotic world of
chemical waste disposal.
6
00:00:18,580 --> 00:00:22,180
She's not coming back because...
I'm gay.
7
00:00:22,180 --> 00:00:25,780
Go and accuse Runcorn Rovers manager
of sexual harassment.
8
00:00:25,780 --> 00:00:27,820
I don't think blackmail's
really for me.
9
00:00:27,820 --> 00:00:31,340
I'll get Billy to shag you.
10
00:00:36,820 --> 00:00:39,700
# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
11
00:00:39,700 --> 00:00:44,180
# I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it
12
00:00:44,180 --> 00:00:49,580
# And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now
13
00:00:49,580 --> 00:00:51,660
# Just think I'll wait a while
14
00:00:51,660 --> 00:00:55,340
# I'll have a pint of lager, please
15
00:00:55,340 --> 00:00:58,260
# And a pack of flakies. #
16
00:01:02,500 --> 00:01:04,940
(CLATTERING)
17
00:01:10,140 --> 00:01:12,060
All right, Donna?
You all right?
18
00:01:13,940 --> 00:01:15,140
BLOWS AIR HORN
19
00:01:17,700 --> 00:01:21,260
I've pimped...my ride.
20
00:01:21,260 --> 00:01:24,860
You have lost...your mind.
21
00:01:24,860 --> 00:01:29,300
I was just thinking.
Just cos I'm disabled,
doesn't mean I can't have style.
22
00:01:29,300 --> 00:01:33,300
Then how come you look like
My Big Fat Gypsy Wheelchair?
23
00:01:36,540 --> 00:01:38,940
Allow me to show you my accessories.
24
00:01:38,940 --> 00:01:40,100
Chrome hubcaps.
25
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,500
Customised flag.
26
00:01:42,500 --> 00:01:44,060
Sat-nav.
27
00:01:46,220 --> 00:01:47,740
There's a little extra.
28
00:01:50,660 --> 00:01:52,780
ROBOTIC VOICE: Hello, Dinna.
29
00:01:54,460 --> 00:01:58,700
No, no, it's supposed to
say "Hello, Donna".
I'm just shit at typing.
30
00:01:58,700 --> 00:02:01,100
And why are you doing this?
31
00:02:01,100 --> 00:02:03,620
I've been fighting
this wheelchair for too long.
32
00:02:03,620 --> 00:02:07,540
If I never walk, I want to be happy.
I watched something last night
33
00:02:07,540 --> 00:02:10,980
that shows that wheelchair people
are the coolest people ever.
34
00:02:10,980 --> 00:02:14,980
I mean, this film here sticks very
close to the Daniel Day-Lewis
original.
35
00:02:14,980 --> 00:02:17,140
Just with more hardcore sex.
36
00:02:17,140 --> 00:02:19,540
"My Left Foot Fetish".
37
00:02:21,420 --> 00:02:25,460
For God's sake, Gaz, why do
you only get inspired by porn?
38
00:02:25,460 --> 00:02:28,420
Eh! It's a deeply powerful art form.
39
00:02:28,420 --> 00:02:32,140
Plus all the birds
get their growlers out.
40
00:02:32,140 --> 00:02:34,780
Now, I want to take on the world
by meself.
41
00:02:34,780 --> 00:02:38,380
I feel I can do absolutely anything.
Anything. Make us a brew, will you?
42
00:02:38,380 --> 00:02:40,900
Make it yourself!
43
00:02:42,540 --> 00:02:44,900
ROBOTIC VOICE: Lazy bitch.
44
00:02:53,580 --> 00:02:57,740
It's finally happened, Tim.
45
00:02:57,740 --> 00:03:01,860
Lucky for him I have
a brilliant career that can
fund all his twatishness.
46
00:03:01,860 --> 00:03:05,500
Did you just shamelessly promote
the fact that you've got a new job?
47
00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:07,260
Oh, why, yes, I did.
48
00:03:07,260 --> 00:03:09,660
I've waited a long time
for this opportunity.
49
00:03:09,660 --> 00:03:12,300
I am going to be a brilliant
HR manager.
50
00:03:12,300 --> 00:03:17,620
Managing people's...
happy...relationships...
51
00:03:18,660 --> 00:03:20,460
It stands for "Human Resources".
52
00:03:20,460 --> 00:03:22,300
(GIGGLES)
53
00:03:23,940 --> 00:03:25,460
No, it doesn't! (GIGGLES)
54
00:03:25,460 --> 00:03:27,540
Does it?
55
00:03:27,540 --> 00:03:31,420
So, are you excited about
being in charge of your own team?
56
00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:32,980
I'm shitting a brick.
57
00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:36,540
I start in a week and I don't even
know what HR stands for.
58
00:03:36,540 --> 00:03:39,260
At least you've got some direction
in your life.
59
00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:41,980
I just don't know what I want
since I came out.
60
00:03:41,980 --> 00:03:43,500
Yes, you do!
61
00:03:43,500 --> 00:03:47,980
You want to be all gay and fabulous.
Why aren't you being fabulous?
Be fabulous!
62
00:03:47,980 --> 00:03:50,900
I don't feel very fabulous.
63
00:03:50,900 --> 00:03:52,860
I keep thinking about Helena.
64
00:03:52,860 --> 00:03:55,980
I wonder if I've made the right
decision, breaking up with her.
65
00:03:55,980 --> 00:03:57,820
You're not attracted to her.
66
00:03:57,820 --> 00:04:00,940
You can't fight your physical
instincts. You like cock.
67
00:04:02,940 --> 00:04:04,340
Not necessarily!
68
00:04:04,340 --> 00:04:08,220
Helena could still get me going.
Her rippling thighs,
69
00:04:08,220 --> 00:04:10,500
her vein-ridden biceps,
70
00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:13,620
the six o'clock shadow
on her granite jaw...
71
00:04:13,620 --> 00:04:15,860
Yum.
72
00:04:17,660 --> 00:04:20,340
You all right, Gaz? Looking shit.
73
00:04:20,340 --> 00:04:21,980
Yes, I am...
74
00:04:21,980 --> 00:04:23,780
the shit.
75
00:04:23,780 --> 00:04:26,620
Remember how you asked me
to blackmail that manager
76
00:04:26,620 --> 00:04:28,540
to get Billy his football trial?
77
00:04:28,540 --> 00:04:32,540
Remember how you promised to get
78
00:04:32,540 --> 00:04:35,620
Do you want to sort it out
before I rip your fingernails off?
79
00:04:36,660 --> 00:04:38,580
I do.
80
00:04:38,580 --> 00:04:40,900
Oof, what I'd do to that boy!
81
00:04:40,900 --> 00:04:44,980
I'd chuck him on the bed, and then
I'd rip his pants off with me teeth
82
00:04:44,980 --> 00:04:46,980
and then I'd scream...
Oh! Hi, Billy!
83
00:04:46,980 --> 00:04:48,900
Ha ha ha!
84
00:04:52,780 --> 00:04:54,940
Nice, isn't she?
Yeah.
85
00:04:54,940 --> 00:04:56,740
Shag her.
86
00:04:58,420 --> 00:04:59,500
You what?
87
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:02,900
At least ask her out.
It's thanks to her
you got your spot on Runcorn Rovers.
88
00:05:02,900 --> 00:05:05,980
If you bang her, you can
tell me all the juicy details.
89
00:05:05,980 --> 00:05:10,020
I bet she goes like a malfunctioning
Tickle Me Elmo.
90
00:05:11,980 --> 00:05:14,860
SHE LAUGHS MANICALLY
91
00:05:14,860 --> 00:05:17,620
I dunno...
Just do it, dickhead.
92
00:05:17,620 --> 00:05:19,780
All right, then.
93
00:05:19,780 --> 00:05:22,180
Hey, Cassie, love.
You want to go out sometime?
94
00:05:22,180 --> 00:05:23,620
Seriously?
95
00:05:28,140 --> 00:05:29,220
Sure.
96
00:05:29,220 --> 00:05:31,060
GIGGLES MANICALLY
97
00:05:39,340 --> 00:05:41,060
I think I broke her.
98
00:05:42,900 --> 00:05:44,660
Wait till you stick your cock in her.
99
00:05:46,340 --> 00:05:48,500
Hey! Not going to mention me chair?
100
00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:50,900
Oh, you've done up your chair!
101
00:05:50,900 --> 00:05:52,220
Looking good.
102
00:05:52,220 --> 00:05:53,660
You know who you look like?
103
00:05:54,780 --> 00:05:58,020
A bloke in a done-up wheelchair.
104
00:05:58,020 --> 00:05:59,460
D'you know...
105
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:02,500
All this stuff, it's just...
It's not enough.
106
00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:03,940
I need...I need to do more.
107
00:06:03,940 --> 00:06:06,820
I need to do something that shows off
how skill I am.
108
00:06:06,820 --> 00:06:08,500
Like being a Paralympian?
109
00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:10,380
Don't be thick!
110
00:06:10,380 --> 00:06:12,780
I need something better,
something amazing.
111
00:06:12,780 --> 00:06:15,740
Something that no-one else
would ever think of.
112
00:06:16,780 --> 00:06:19,020
I know!
113
00:06:19,020 --> 00:06:20,620
I could be a Paralympian!
114
00:06:24,260 --> 00:06:26,580
Donna, I'm serious.
I want to be a Paralympian.
115
00:06:26,580 --> 00:06:28,860
Well, it might not be as easy
as you think.
116
00:06:28,860 --> 00:06:30,620
You know,
they don't just let anyone in.
117
00:06:30,620 --> 00:06:32,060
It's not like Dancing On Ice.
118
00:06:33,340 --> 00:06:35,780
Or England.
119
00:06:35,780 --> 00:06:38,260
Yeah, but I really want to make this
happen. I thought you'd be behind me.
120
00:06:38,260 --> 00:06:40,100
Well, I am behind you.
121
00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:42,660
It's just, I've just seen you
get excited by stuff before -
122
00:06:42,660 --> 00:06:45,380
you know, sports, meat pies,
123
00:06:45,380 --> 00:06:48,340
shiny objects -
124
00:06:48,340 --> 00:06:51,180
and you usually get distracted
when something else pops up.
125
00:06:51,180 --> 00:06:53,580
Normally your knob.
126
00:06:54,780 --> 00:06:56,540
See, it's funny.
127
00:06:56,540 --> 00:06:59,140
Usually when I try something new,
you get involved and take over.
128
00:06:59,140 --> 00:07:00,660
What? No, I don't!
129
00:07:00,660 --> 00:07:03,060
Huh!
Well, only in a supportive way.
130
00:07:03,060 --> 00:07:05,300
Huh-he-huh!
131
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:06,900
Well, not in a bossy way.
132
00:07:06,900 --> 00:07:08,620
Uh-hey!
133
00:07:08,620 --> 00:07:10,260
Will you stop saying, "Huh-hey?"
134
00:07:11,620 --> 00:07:15,540
I might have been bossy before,
but I will turn over a new leaf
135
00:07:15,540 --> 00:07:21,020
of happy human...relationship
resources.
136
00:07:21,020 --> 00:07:23,340
Well, why don't you practise with me?
137
00:07:23,340 --> 00:07:25,500
Well, you could manage me training.
138
00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:28,140
Well, I suppose it would be useful
to give it a go.
139
00:07:28,140 --> 00:07:31,500
Yeah, I can inspire and motivate you
through support and encouragement.
140
00:07:32,460 --> 00:07:35,580
I can help you find your potential,
I can help you find
your inner winner.
141
00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:38,980
Hey! Ooh! Ooh, no, look.
142
00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:42,980
I lost it under the sofa on Tuesday.
143
00:07:42,980 --> 00:07:45,780
Well,
why didn't you pick it up then?
144
00:07:45,780 --> 00:07:47,900
I just got distracted.
145
00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:50,980
By me knob!
146
00:07:54,620 --> 00:07:58,340
Cab should be here soon...
to take me to win back Helena.
147
00:07:58,340 --> 00:08:00,740
Maybe a quick drink for my nerves.
148
00:08:05,020 --> 00:08:06,140
Ugh. Ooh!
149
00:08:07,740 --> 00:08:11,460
Donna thinks I can't deny
my physical desires,
but that's just stupid.
150
00:08:11,460 --> 00:08:14,500
I mean, when I look at you, Billy,
all I see is a man.
151
00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:16,700
I don't care about your body.
152
00:08:16,700 --> 00:08:18,940
I don't think about you sexually.
153
00:08:18,940 --> 00:08:23,820
I don't imagine your stubble
brushing against my face
as you kiss me tenderly.
154
00:08:25,060 --> 00:08:26,580
Stupid Donna.
155
00:08:28,220 --> 00:08:30,900
So, I hear you finally
asked Cassie out.
156
00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:33,860
Won over by her unique charms,
were you?
157
00:08:33,860 --> 00:08:35,860
Nah, it's just cos Gaz told me to.
158
00:08:35,860 --> 00:08:38,340
Do you ever get the feeling
that you're easily led?
159
00:08:38,340 --> 00:08:41,300
I do ever get the feeling
that I'm easily led, yes!
160
00:08:41,300 --> 00:08:44,260
Look, you should give Cassie
a proper chance.
161
00:08:44,260 --> 00:08:46,940
I know she's not like
the girlfriends you'd normally have.
162
00:08:46,940 --> 00:08:48,260
Ye-ea-ea-eah!
163
00:08:48,260 --> 00:08:50,740
What do you mean, "Ye-ea-ea-eah?!"
164
00:08:50,740 --> 00:08:54,940
Well, to be honest,
I've not really went out with anyone
before, not properly.
165
00:08:55,980 --> 00:08:58,500
I just always felt
there was something special missing.
166
00:08:58,500 --> 00:09:00,980
Hmm, I felt like that.
167
00:09:00,980 --> 00:09:03,260
Yeah, but it was a dick
that was missing for you!
168
00:09:06,620 --> 00:09:09,380
Well, maybe Cassie
has that missing something.
169
00:09:09,380 --> 00:09:11,020
Cassie has a dick?
170
00:09:11,020 --> 00:09:16,580
No! She may have that something
special you're looking for.
171
00:09:16,580 --> 00:09:18,860
She's different from all
the other bimbos round here.
172
00:09:18,860 --> 00:09:20,900
Oh, is she?
All she ever says to me is...
173
00:09:20,900 --> 00:09:23,300
LAUGHS MANICALLY
174
00:09:23,300 --> 00:09:25,980
Yeah, well,
that's just how she acts around you.
175
00:09:25,980 --> 00:09:29,100
It might be that you need
someone forceful like her.
176
00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:31,140
You should really
take this date seriously.
177
00:09:31,140 --> 00:09:33,180
Oh, I dunno...
Oh, just do it, dickhead!
178
00:09:33,180 --> 00:09:34,460
All right, then.
179
00:09:37,020 --> 00:09:39,700
You know, me and this chair,
we're going to win that gold,
180
00:09:39,700 --> 00:09:43,340
and we're going to be famous, right,
and we'll be asked on Top Gear
181
00:09:43,340 --> 00:09:46,220
and then I'm going to tell Clarkson
he's a twat.
182
00:09:46,220 --> 00:09:48,660
Well, that's not fair, Gaz.
183
00:09:48,660 --> 00:09:50,940
It's that Hamster wanker
who deserves a kick in the nuts.
184
00:09:50,940 --> 00:09:53,300
It's true.
185
00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:56,740
Right, I have mapped out
a detailed training programme.
186
00:09:58,700 --> 00:10:00,140
It says here, "Wash your bollocks."
187
00:10:01,460 --> 00:10:03,500
How's that going to help me
be a Paralympian?
188
00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:04,860
Well, it's not.
189
00:10:05,900 --> 00:10:07,380
It'd just be a welcome change.
190
00:10:08,820 --> 00:10:10,540
So, to kick things off,
191
00:10:10,540 --> 00:10:12,100
let's go jogging!
192
00:10:15,100 --> 00:10:16,700
Oh, great, yeah.
How's that going to work?
193
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:18,740
No, no, actually, no.
I'll give it a try.
194
00:10:18,740 --> 00:10:20,180
Let's go.
195
00:10:24,860 --> 00:10:26,900
Are we in Widnes yet?
196
00:10:26,900 --> 00:10:29,140
Or we could go wheeling...
197
00:10:29,140 --> 00:10:31,420
you patronising cock.
198
00:10:31,420 --> 00:10:32,860
You what?
199
00:10:32,860 --> 00:10:35,660
I love you.
200
00:10:35,660 --> 00:10:37,620
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
Bit of a problem.
201
00:10:37,620 --> 00:10:39,060
It's 11 in the AM.
202
00:10:39,060 --> 00:10:40,180
So?
203
00:10:40,180 --> 00:10:42,020
Well, me next wank's
due at quarter past.
204
00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:46,460
Listen, I won't get me five-a-day
if I miss me mid-morning tug.
205
00:10:46,460 --> 00:10:50,420
Look, Gaz. I-I-I don't think
you should masturbate for a bit.
206
00:10:50,420 --> 00:10:52,460
Whoa!
207
00:10:52,460 --> 00:10:54,140
Come again?
208
00:10:57,140 --> 00:10:58,820
Or not, in your case.
209
00:10:58,820 --> 00:11:03,580
Look, if you want to get fit, you've
gotta retain all your vital fluids
210
00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:05,900
and produce as much testosterone
as you can
211
00:11:05,900 --> 00:11:08,260
and then you'll be a real athlete...
212
00:11:08,260 --> 00:11:11,660
with bollocks
the size of space hoppers.
213
00:11:11,660 --> 00:11:15,180
Whoa! No! You can't take my wank
away from me. It's part of me.
214
00:11:15,180 --> 00:11:18,260
It's what I've done for as long
as I can remember.
I've always been a wanker.
215
00:11:19,980 --> 00:11:24,620
Well, from now on, no wanking,
no shagging, and no wet dreams.
216
00:11:24,620 --> 00:11:27,780
What?! I...I can't help
me wet dreams!
217
00:11:27,780 --> 00:11:30,540
Well, can you try, because
I'm tired of thinking I've woken up
218
00:11:30,540 --> 00:11:32,860
in a puddle of cream of mushroom.
219
00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:38,500
See what I mean? You're kind of being
220
00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:39,740
No.
221
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:45,300
I am politely instructing you
in your aim that you achieve
222
00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:47,340
Now, move it, you lazy twat!
223
00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:55,420
Excuse me.
224
00:11:56,140 --> 00:11:59,020
Do you know Helena Claypole?
I thought she'd be training
225
00:11:59,020 --> 00:12:02,780
She was, but we had to take her off
after a nasty collision.
226
00:12:02,780 --> 00:12:04,220
Oh, my God!
227
00:12:04,220 --> 00:12:06,500
An ambulance drove past me
on the way through.
She wasn't in that, was she?
228
00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:07,620
No.
229
00:12:07,620 --> 00:12:10,540
That was for the three fellas
she collided with.
230
00:12:10,540 --> 00:12:12,380
She's behind there.
231
00:12:12,380 --> 00:12:14,980
I'd give it a few minutes' rest,
then you can stick your head round.
232
00:12:14,980 --> 00:12:17,420
Righto. Thanks.
233
00:12:17,420 --> 00:12:19,900
Oh, poor Helena.
234
00:12:21,020 --> 00:12:23,140
This was a bad idea. I should go.
235
00:12:24,220 --> 00:12:25,580
Are you the physio?
236
00:12:25,580 --> 00:12:26,940
Do I look like the physio?!
237
00:12:26,940 --> 00:12:28,140
Damn.
238
00:12:28,140 --> 00:12:30,660
I pulled something in my shoulder.
239
00:12:30,660 --> 00:12:32,380
I really need some Deep Heat on it.
240
00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:37,380
And as I was saying,
I don't look like the physio
241
00:12:37,380 --> 00:12:38,980
but I am the physio.
242
00:12:38,980 --> 00:12:41,260
Oh, yes, I am. I am that man.
243
00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:43,580
Great. Rub in as much as you can.
244
00:12:43,580 --> 00:12:45,420
If I must.
245
00:12:49,980 --> 00:12:52,420
Are you ready for our big date?
I'm so excited.
246
00:12:52,420 --> 00:12:53,940
Just relax.
247
00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:56,460
I've already had
one of Tim's Valiums.
248
00:12:56,460 --> 00:12:59,420
Although it might have been
one of his worming tablets.
249
00:12:59,420 --> 00:13:01,140
So, what are we going to get up to?
250
00:13:01,140 --> 00:13:04,940
Well, I thought we could do
some of my favourite things,
251
00:13:04,940 --> 00:13:07,780
like go for a lovely picnic
in a meadow,
252
00:13:07,780 --> 00:13:10,380
or go for a walk by
a...a babbling brook,
253
00:13:10,380 --> 00:13:14,700
or go visit a delightful...
puppy sanctuary.
254
00:13:14,700 --> 00:13:16,220
Yeah, that would be lovely.
255
00:13:16,220 --> 00:13:19,580
All those little yapping runts
doing their stinky turds
all over the place,
256
00:13:19,580 --> 00:13:21,020
then eating them,
257
00:13:21,020 --> 00:13:24,940
then trying to lick their face
with their filthy
turd-covered...tongues.
258
00:13:24,940 --> 00:13:26,820
Are you sure you like puppies?
259
00:13:26,820 --> 00:13:28,260
Yeah!
260
00:13:28,260 --> 00:13:30,260
It's kittens I can't stand.
261
00:13:30,260 --> 00:13:32,460
Cassie, I've got a feeling
you're not being yourself.
262
00:13:32,460 --> 00:13:35,900
However could you possibly mean
such a thing, pray do tell?
263
00:13:37,460 --> 00:13:40,220
I know when you put on an act
around me, I'm not thick.
264
00:13:40,220 --> 00:13:42,620
Tim pointed it out to me.
265
00:13:42,620 --> 00:13:44,340
Right, I see.
266
00:13:44,340 --> 00:13:46,660
You're going to want to
forget about today, then.
267
00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:49,220
I knew I needn't have
brushed my teeth. No.
268
00:13:49,220 --> 00:13:52,340
I'm still up for going out,
I just want you to be yourself.
269
00:13:52,340 --> 00:13:55,380
Look, let's do some of
your real favourite things.
270
00:13:55,380 --> 00:13:57,820
If you do say so, my dearest Billy.
271
00:13:59,340 --> 00:14:00,900
Yeah, all right, then.
272
00:14:00,900 --> 00:14:03,820
Look, if I knew you were going to
be like this,
I would have dressed normally.
273
00:14:03,820 --> 00:14:05,340
Are you not dressed normally?
274
00:14:05,340 --> 00:14:10,460
No, I took my nipple rings out.
You can hear 'em whistling
in the breeze.
275
00:14:10,460 --> 00:14:15,020
Oh! I feel so alive after that.
Don't you feel alive, Gaz?
276
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:16,860
Yeah, what,
in the sense that I feel dead?
277
00:14:16,860 --> 00:14:20,580
Right, now, I noticed some things
that could do with improving,
278
00:14:20,580 --> 00:14:24,900
so I'm going to use my expert
managerial skills to inspire you,
279
00:14:24,900 --> 00:14:27,500
and I'm going to start
by giving you a shit sandwich.
280
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:31,180
Eurgh, what's that,
like a dirty Sanchez?
281
00:14:31,180 --> 00:14:34,740
No, it's where
a negative observation of you
282
00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:36,900
is cancelled out
by two positives either side.
283
00:14:36,900 --> 00:14:38,180
For example...
284
00:14:38,180 --> 00:14:39,780
You're way out of shape!
285
00:14:39,780 --> 00:14:41,460
But your hair looks nice.
286
00:14:41,460 --> 00:14:43,900
But you're a big, fat,
stinking failure! See?
287
00:14:43,900 --> 00:14:48,660
No, no, I thought it was
supposed to be one bad thing
followed by two good things.
288
00:14:48,660 --> 00:14:52,820
You've just given me a piece of bread
289
00:14:54,940 --> 00:14:58,180
Don't tell me how to encourage you,
you dick!
290
00:14:58,180 --> 00:15:00,660
This is what I'm good at.
291
00:15:00,660 --> 00:15:03,420
Yeah, not really feeling motivated
right now.
292
00:15:03,420 --> 00:15:07,140
Well, you'd better get motivated,
buddy, if you're going to win
Friday's little race.
293
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:08,820
What little race?
294
00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:10,060
Well, it's more of a marathon.
295
00:15:12,180 --> 00:15:14,620
I made some phone calls while
you were throwing up in that lay-by
296
00:15:14,620 --> 00:15:16,060
and I decided to sign you up.
297
00:15:16,060 --> 00:15:18,300
Donna, I'm not ready for a marathon,
298
00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:20,060
and I watch cartoons on Fridays.
299
00:15:20,060 --> 00:15:22,060
Well, not any more.
300
00:15:22,060 --> 00:15:24,460
Say toodle-oo to Scooby-Doo!
301
00:15:24,460 --> 00:15:26,740
I thought you weren't
going to be bossy.
302
00:15:26,740 --> 00:15:28,820
I'm only doing this
because I believe in you.
303
00:15:29,860 --> 00:15:32,500
This is all for you, and only you.
304
00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:35,700
And also to prepare me
for my new manager's job.
305
00:15:35,700 --> 00:15:37,380
But mostly for you.
306
00:15:38,700 --> 00:15:40,900
Fine, but you will tone it down
a bit, won't you?
307
00:15:40,900 --> 00:15:43,340
Of course.
308
00:15:44,420 --> 00:15:46,540
MUSIC: "So Macho" by Sinitta
309
00:15:46,540 --> 00:15:48,620
Right, you maggot.
310
00:15:49,860 --> 00:15:52,460
It's time to get to work!
311
00:15:52,460 --> 00:15:56,380
Go on, Gaz, smack him. Punch
Jeremy Clarkson square in the face!
312
00:15:56,380 --> 00:15:58,060
Harder! Harder! Useless!
313
00:15:58,060 --> 00:16:00,580
That's it, yeah.
Now you really hate this man.
314
00:16:00,580 --> 00:16:05,100
Yeah, that's much better, Gaz!
That's fantastic! Brilliant!
Yeah! Whoo! Whoo!
315
00:16:05,100 --> 00:16:06,820
Hey!
What?
316
00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:17,060
Uh! No!
317
00:16:19,140 --> 00:16:20,420
Yes!
318
00:16:20,420 --> 00:16:23,380
Yes. Absolutely brilliant.
319
00:16:23,380 --> 00:16:27,100
SHE BARKS INSTRUCTIONS
320
00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:30,300
Concentrate! Concentrate!
Move it, you maggot!
321
00:16:30,300 --> 00:16:32,900
Move it! Move it! Faster! Faster!
322
00:16:32,900 --> 00:16:34,180
Go, go!
323
00:16:34,180 --> 00:16:36,780
Yeah! Move it! Gaz!
324
00:16:36,780 --> 00:16:38,740
Quicker!
325
00:16:40,740 --> 00:16:42,580
Yeah, man!
326
00:16:42,580 --> 00:16:45,740
Yes! Yes!
327
00:16:46,260 --> 00:16:49,540
Um...yeah, thanks for that.
328
00:16:49,540 --> 00:16:53,060
I notice you've got a lot of tension
in your lower portions.
329
00:16:53,060 --> 00:16:55,340
Is that why you bit my arse?
330
00:16:55,340 --> 00:16:57,420
It's a new technique.
331
00:16:58,220 --> 00:17:00,300
I'm here to patch things up
with my wife, Helena.
332
00:17:00,300 --> 00:17:01,940
Helena?
333
00:17:01,940 --> 00:17:03,380
God, you're brave!
334
00:17:03,380 --> 00:17:05,060
How dare you!
335
00:17:05,060 --> 00:17:08,700
Helena has a beautiful side to her
that no-one else sees.
336
00:17:08,700 --> 00:17:13,940
She happens to have grace,
refinement and a rare elegance.
337
00:17:14,980 --> 00:17:17,700
At times she can be delicate
and demure.
338
00:17:18,820 --> 00:17:20,820
At other times she can be
a real lady.
339
00:17:20,820 --> 00:17:22,780
HELENA FARTS
340
00:17:24,140 --> 00:17:28,100
I made a terrible mistake
letting her go
and I'm here to win her back.
341
00:17:28,100 --> 00:17:31,060
Well, looks like you can tell her -
she's woke up.
342
00:17:31,980 --> 00:17:36,940
Right, it's time to be bold
and get what I want in life.
343
00:17:36,940 --> 00:17:39,380
Yes, it's time to be...
344
00:17:39,380 --> 00:17:40,940
balls!
345
00:17:41,980 --> 00:17:43,340
I mean, bold.
346
00:17:43,340 --> 00:17:46,580
It's time to be big...
347
00:17:46,580 --> 00:17:48,260
hairy...
348
00:17:48,260 --> 00:17:50,340
bouncy...
349
00:17:50,340 --> 00:17:51,780
Oh!
350
00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:53,260
Bugger it!
351
00:17:53,260 --> 00:17:55,100
It's OK!
352
00:17:55,100 --> 00:17:56,980
I'm a physiotherapist!
353
00:18:00,220 --> 00:18:03,500
So, how was it, visiting my world?
354
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:05,420
All right, yeah.
355
00:18:05,420 --> 00:18:07,820
I didn't realise Runcorn
had underground cage fights.
356
00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:09,900
Well, you've got to know
the right people, really.
357
00:18:09,900 --> 00:18:12,580
Hilda down the post office,
she usually keeps me informed.
358
00:18:12,580 --> 00:18:14,580
Well, did you enjoy it?
359
00:18:14,580 --> 00:18:16,420
It was quite violent.
360
00:18:17,660 --> 00:18:20,180
But that fighter
361
00:18:20,180 --> 00:18:23,380
Oh, I know. Maybe next time, yeah?
362
00:18:23,380 --> 00:18:25,660
It was a nice afternoon.
363
00:18:25,660 --> 00:18:28,220
It was good to see you
being yourself, Cassie.
364
00:18:28,220 --> 00:18:29,260
Thanks.
365
00:18:30,300 --> 00:18:31,660
What you doing?!
366
00:18:31,660 --> 00:18:34,660
Well, we had a nice afternoon,
shouldn't we screw now?
367
00:18:34,660 --> 00:18:36,340
They can watch, I don't mind.
368
00:18:36,340 --> 00:18:40,180
It was a nice afternoon, but watching
369
00:18:40,180 --> 00:18:41,980
doesn't really get me in the mood
to shag.
370
00:18:41,980 --> 00:18:44,100
Really? Does me.
371
00:18:45,860 --> 00:18:47,500
It just wasn't very romantic.
372
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:50,860
Well, you didn't want to go to
the babbling puppy meadow!
373
00:18:50,860 --> 00:18:52,740
Cos that's not you.
374
00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:58,060
If I'm going to see if you have that
special something, I need
to see the real you.
375
00:18:58,060 --> 00:19:01,540
I can be romantic. Come back
tomorrow and I'll show you.
376
00:19:01,540 --> 00:19:05,420
Billy, please give me a chance.
377
00:19:06,660 --> 00:19:08,460
OK.
378
00:19:08,460 --> 00:19:10,780
Awesome! I'll go get it sorted.
379
00:19:10,780 --> 00:19:15,420
I can put my nipple rings back in
now. The girls feel
naked without 'em.
380
00:19:15,420 --> 00:19:19,500
I'm telling you,
it was absolutely amazing.
381
00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:22,180
I gave this complete hunk
a full body massage
382
00:19:22,180 --> 00:19:24,420
and then showered
with the entire team.
383
00:19:24,420 --> 00:19:26,580
Ooh, ooh-ooh! (LAUGHS)
384
00:19:27,620 --> 00:19:30,860
But other than
that, telling your wife
you might be straight went well.
385
00:19:30,860 --> 00:19:36,340
Oh, yeah, you were right, Donna.
I couldn't deny my physical urges.
386
00:19:36,340 --> 00:19:39,380
I do like men
a lot more than I like Helena.
387
00:19:39,380 --> 00:19:41,820
A lot more.
388
00:19:41,820 --> 00:19:44,780
Well, so now that that's sorted,
are you going to get a nice
boyfriend?
389
00:19:44,780 --> 00:19:47,700
Yes. Although I might lie low
for a bit.
390
00:19:47,700 --> 00:19:51,340
Apparently the rugby club frowns on
people impersonating physios,
391
00:19:51,340 --> 00:19:54,660
touching up their players
and stealing all their jockstraps.
392
00:19:56,300 --> 00:19:58,180
Anyway, I should get back
to The Archer.
393
00:19:58,180 --> 00:20:00,900
Cassie's probably burnt the place
down by now.
394
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:03,220
Or forgotten to tape Glee.
395
00:20:03,220 --> 00:20:05,980
Well, look, if Gaz is there,
send him home, will you?
396
00:20:05,980 --> 00:20:07,820
His next workout
started five minutes go.
397
00:20:07,820 --> 00:20:09,420
And if he's any later,
398
00:20:09,420 --> 00:20:13,700
I'm going to give him a thousand
push-ups,
no dinner and the back of my hand.
399
00:20:13,700 --> 00:20:15,620
Why are you acting like this?
400
00:20:15,620 --> 00:20:17,820
Well, it's all practice
for my new managerial job.
401
00:20:17,820 --> 00:20:19,100
What are you doing?
402
00:20:19,100 --> 00:20:20,540
Running a slave labour camp?
403
00:20:21,700 --> 00:20:24,940
You're supposed to be working in HR
and you've forgotten what
the H stands for.
404
00:20:26,020 --> 00:20:27,420
Haggis?
405
00:20:28,460 --> 00:20:29,660
Human!
406
00:20:30,820 --> 00:20:32,500
Gaz isn't a machine.
407
00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:34,980
Don't talk that way about the
Gaz-Bot!
408
00:20:34,980 --> 00:20:38,540
He's got a wheelchair marathon on
Friday
that I need him to win.
409
00:20:38,540 --> 00:20:41,260
What happened to
being supportive and caring?
410
00:20:41,260 --> 00:20:44,700
I am being very supportive
and very caring.
411
00:20:44,700 --> 00:20:45,860
And what if Gaz loses?
412
00:20:45,860 --> 00:20:47,460
Then I'll kill him.
413
00:20:47,460 --> 00:20:48,700
Hmm?
414
00:20:49,740 --> 00:20:51,580
With my kisses.
415
00:20:55,020 --> 00:20:58,180
So, is this romantic enough for you?
Sure.
416
00:20:58,180 --> 00:20:59,460
Romantic.
417
00:20:59,460 --> 00:21:00,740
Scary.
418
00:21:00,740 --> 00:21:02,100
One of the two.
419
00:21:02,100 --> 00:21:04,500
You're not eating the meal
I made you.
420
00:21:04,500 --> 00:21:05,580
What is it?
421
00:21:05,580 --> 00:21:08,180
Well, I wanted to make you something
that shows who I really am.
422
00:21:08,180 --> 00:21:10,700
Are you a piece of broccoli?
423
00:21:10,700 --> 00:21:12,780
No, I'm a vegetarian.
424
00:21:13,580 --> 00:21:17,180
What I'm trying to say is,
I wanted to
put a piece of myself on the plate.
425
00:21:19,500 --> 00:21:20,940
Yeah, kinda lost my appetite.
426
00:21:20,940 --> 00:21:24,540
And I thought I could sing a song
I wrote for you. That's romantic,
427
00:21:24,540 --> 00:21:27,700
Well, sure. And I got my favourite
band to play it.
428
00:21:27,700 --> 00:21:31,220
They're called Rectal Discharge.
429
00:21:31,220 --> 00:21:33,420
Oh. Lovely.
430
00:21:37,460 --> 00:21:41,420
Billy McCormack, this song really
captures how I feel about you.
431
00:21:41,420 --> 00:21:43,100
THRASH MUSIC PLAYS
432
00:21:43,100 --> 00:21:45,060
SCREAMS: # I love you, Billy
433
00:21:45,060 --> 00:21:46,660
# Raaaow
434
00:21:46,660 --> 00:21:48,180
# I love you, I love you, I love you
435
00:21:48,180 --> 00:21:50,180
# I love you, I love you, I love ya
436
00:21:50,180 --> 00:21:52,220
# Raaaow
437
00:21:52,220 --> 00:21:54,100
# Ow
438
00:21:54,740 --> 00:21:55,860
# Ow. #
439
00:21:55,860 --> 00:21:57,780
FEEDBACK WHINES
440
00:21:57,780 --> 00:22:00,140
Thank you!
441
00:22:05,300 --> 00:22:07,620
So, how was it?
442
00:22:07,620 --> 00:22:09,660
I can't feel my ears.
443
00:22:09,660 --> 00:22:13,500
Oh, God, I'm useless, aren't I?
You don't like me at all.
444
00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:15,860
I do, you've got loads of
personality,
445
00:22:15,860 --> 00:22:18,380
and for a tiny girl,
you can't half scream loud.
446
00:22:18,380 --> 00:22:21,860
But I don't know if you've got
that special something.
447
00:22:21,860 --> 00:22:24,380
How's about this for a special
something?
448
00:22:30,500 --> 00:22:31,860
Well?
449
00:22:31,860 --> 00:22:33,140
Meh!
450
00:22:35,300 --> 00:22:37,180
Great(!)
451
00:22:37,180 --> 00:22:38,740
I'm sorry, Cassie.
452
00:22:38,740 --> 00:22:40,740
It honestly isn't you.
453
00:22:40,740 --> 00:22:42,620
There's just something more I need.
454
00:22:42,620 --> 00:22:44,780
I think I should go.
455
00:22:47,380 --> 00:22:51,020
Billy McCormack,
you get back here now! What?
456
00:22:51,020 --> 00:22:53,100
Get your arse over here!
Oh, I dunno...
457
00:22:53,100 --> 00:22:56,020
Do it, dickhead!
All right, then!
458
00:22:56,020 --> 00:22:58,460
You...you should appreciate me.
459
00:22:58,460 --> 00:23:01,220
I tried so hard to make you happy.
460
00:23:01,220 --> 00:23:03,900
You should get on your knees
and worship my fanny.
461
00:23:06,380 --> 00:23:08,820
What...what are you doing?
462
00:23:08,820 --> 00:23:12,060
Getting on my knees
to worship your fanny.
463
00:23:12,060 --> 00:23:13,940
You what?
464
00:23:13,940 --> 00:23:16,100
You're kind of getting me going.
465
00:23:16,100 --> 00:23:18,100
Are you into me bossing you about?
466
00:23:18,100 --> 00:23:19,220
Maybe.
467
00:23:19,220 --> 00:23:20,580
Tell me if you're into me
bossing you about!
468
00:23:20,580 --> 00:23:22,140
I am, yeah.
469
00:23:22,140 --> 00:23:26,140
Maybe that's the special something
I've been missing all this time.
470
00:23:26,140 --> 00:23:28,140
I do like being told what to do.
471
00:23:28,140 --> 00:23:32,420
Well, if I'd have known that, I
would have just said,
"Snog me, you thick dick."
472
00:23:35,580 --> 00:23:37,380
Kiss me some more,
you giant twat bag!
473
00:23:39,860 --> 00:23:42,980
Yeah, knee me in the balls
and spit in me mouth.
474
00:23:47,100 --> 00:23:48,540
Was that too much?
475
00:23:48,540 --> 00:23:50,180
Nah, you're all right.
476
00:23:55,540 --> 00:23:57,300
CHEERS
477
00:23:57,300 --> 00:23:58,740
SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
478
00:23:58,740 --> 00:24:00,660
CHEERING
479
00:24:28,740 --> 00:24:31,900
GAZ PUFFS AND PANTS
480
00:24:33,900 --> 00:24:36,700
ROBOTIC VOICE: I'm shagged.
481
00:24:36,700 --> 00:24:38,900
Well, what happened, Gaz?
482
00:24:38,900 --> 00:24:41,420
I thought we were making progress
with your training.
483
00:24:41,420 --> 00:24:42,860
(BREATHLESSLY) Well...
484
00:24:42,860 --> 00:24:45,500
Well, it turns out the others
were much better than me,
485
00:24:45,500 --> 00:24:46,980
right, so...
486
00:24:46,980 --> 00:24:49,660
I tried to take a short cut
using me sat-nav.
487
00:24:49,660 --> 00:24:52,380
But then I remembered
why I was going to throw it away.
488
00:24:52,380 --> 00:24:55,260
It doesn't pissing work.
It sent me via Manchester.
489
00:24:57,020 --> 00:24:59,700
I'm sorry, love. I let you down.
Sorry.
490
00:24:59,700 --> 00:25:01,460
No, I'm sorry.
491
00:25:02,660 --> 00:25:05,900
I was trying to be supportive
but I pushed you too hard.
492
00:25:05,900 --> 00:25:08,340
HR might as well stand for...
493
00:25:09,380 --> 00:25:11,340
..."Horrible Rectum".
494
00:25:11,340 --> 00:25:13,500
What does it stand for?
495
00:25:13,500 --> 00:25:15,460
I still don't know.
496
00:25:15,460 --> 00:25:18,980
But come on, Gaz, let's go home, eh?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Come on, come on.
497
00:25:21,100 --> 00:25:22,220
Oh!
498
00:25:22,220 --> 00:25:23,580
Let's go.
499
00:25:23,580 --> 00:25:26,580
GAZ GRUNTS WITH EFFORT
500
00:25:31,940 --> 00:25:33,140
Oh!
501
00:25:33,140 --> 00:25:34,940
I didn't realise you were here.
502
00:25:34,940 --> 00:25:36,780
Funny that, seeing as I live here(!)
503
00:25:37,820 --> 00:25:39,860
So, did you sort everything out
with Helena?
504
00:25:39,860 --> 00:25:41,180
I did, thanks.
505
00:25:41,180 --> 00:25:42,660
I'm glad.
506
00:25:42,660 --> 00:25:44,700
You deserve to find someone
you really want to be with.
507
00:25:44,700 --> 00:25:46,620
What's going on here?
508
00:25:46,620 --> 00:25:49,020
You're acting all...happy.
509
00:25:49,020 --> 00:25:51,540
Did things go well with Billy?
510
00:25:51,540 --> 00:25:53,300
Well, you could say that.
511
00:25:54,780 --> 00:25:56,860
Cassie...
512
00:25:56,860 --> 00:25:59,980
are you going to pour hot wax
over me balls or what?
513
00:25:59,980 --> 00:26:02,380
Get back in there, scum!
514
00:26:02,380 --> 00:26:03,580
All right, then!
515
00:26:08,260 --> 00:26:09,700
Lucky bitch.
516
00:26:14,380 --> 00:26:15,820
You know...
517
00:26:15,820 --> 00:26:20,780
when I was wheeling the wrong way
round the M52, I realised,
518
00:26:20,780 --> 00:26:25,900
them guys who finished half a day
quicker than me, they're
the cool wheelchair guys.
519
00:26:25,900 --> 00:26:27,780
I can't be like that.
520
00:26:30,300 --> 00:26:32,020
But I can be like I used to be.
521
00:26:33,500 --> 00:26:35,660
And to do that...
522
00:26:35,660 --> 00:26:37,540
I need to walk again.
523
00:26:37,540 --> 00:26:39,940
I don't believe this.
524
00:26:41,260 --> 00:26:44,380
Have you been inspired by
something other than porn?
525
00:26:44,380 --> 00:26:46,820
Yes, I have.
526
00:26:46,820 --> 00:26:48,740
I'm going to help you walk again.
527
00:26:49,780 --> 00:26:53,820
I'm going to support you properly -
no more bossiness, just love.
528
00:26:53,820 --> 00:26:55,420
Slightly bossy love.
529
00:26:55,420 --> 00:26:56,540
You know, I think
530
00:26:56,540 --> 00:26:59,420
I'm going to be a good HR manager.
Yeah?
531
00:26:59,420 --> 00:27:02,460
Yeah, I've got to sack half the
staff in the first week
anyway, so...
532
00:27:04,100 --> 00:27:06,820
Well, now that me training's over...
533
00:27:07,860 --> 00:27:09,900
..there's a certain little thing
that I can do again.
534
00:27:11,700 --> 00:27:14,060
By which I mean shag you
like a steam-hammer.
535
00:27:15,660 --> 00:27:17,140
Er, I kinda worked that out.
536
00:27:17,140 --> 00:27:18,620
Come here.
537
00:27:18,620 --> 00:27:20,100
Ooh!
538
00:27:20,100 --> 00:27:21,140
Oh!
539
00:27:21,140 --> 00:27:22,900
Ohhh!
540
00:27:22,900 --> 00:27:28,660
Now, there's something
you should get a gold medal for.
541
00:27:29,820 --> 00:27:31,860
ROBOTIC VOICE: Oh, yeah, Dinna.
542
00:27:31,860 --> 00:27:34,180
That feels so good.
543
00:27:40,420 --> 00:27:42,660
Feels like you've been at my cock
with the meat tenderiser.
544
00:27:42,660 --> 00:27:44,700
That's cos I have.
545
00:27:45,300 --> 00:27:47,380
Maybe football
can get me walking again.
546
00:27:47,380 --> 00:27:50,580
I'm never going to find a nice man
in Runcorn, they're all animals.
547
00:27:50,580 --> 00:27:53,180
I was wondering if we could have a
chat about some feminine issues
548
00:27:53,180 --> 00:27:54,660
that have been affecting me lately.
549
00:27:54,660 --> 00:27:57,620
As long as I'm scoring off the pitch,
550
00:27:57,620 --> 00:28:01,500
You're all the same - only interested
in the contents of my underpants.
551
00:28:01,500 --> 00:28:03,700
Well, there's nothing in there.
552
00:28:03,700 --> 00:28:05,140
Usually when I menstruate...
553
00:28:05,140 --> 00:28:06,940
No! What is your problem?!
554
00:28:06,940 --> 00:28:09,100
I've got to call it off with Cassie.
555
00:28:14,620 --> 00:28:17,900
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
556
00:28:17,900 --> 00:28:21,220
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