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1
00:00:02,820 --> 00:00:08,820
This programme contains adult humour
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00:00:08,820 --> 00:00:11,100
You're just some stuck-up
little diva
3
00:00:11,100 --> 00:00:13,020
whose ego's bigger than his tits!
4
00:00:13,020 --> 00:00:15,220
She's a bit of a gobby cow,
isn't she?
5
00:00:15,220 --> 00:00:17,260
Hey, don't talk about my sister
like that.
6
00:00:17,260 --> 00:00:18,860
Is that Billy McCormack?
7
00:00:18,860 --> 00:00:22,260
Do you know Billy McCormack?
Why do you know Billy McCormack?
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00:00:22,260 --> 00:00:24,580
You can do everything for me.
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00:00:24,580 --> 00:00:27,100
Go on, scratch me balls.
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00:00:34,340 --> 00:00:37,140
# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
11
00:00:37,140 --> 00:00:42,500
# I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it
12
00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:46,940
# And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now
13
00:00:46,940 --> 00:00:49,260
# Just think I'll wait a while
14
00:00:49,260 --> 00:00:53,380
# I'll have a pint of lager, please
15
00:00:53,380 --> 00:00:55,580
# And a pack of flakies. #
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00:01:00,540 --> 00:01:02,060
Donna!
17
00:01:06,340 --> 00:01:09,220
What now, Gaz? I'm not scratching
your bollocks again.
18
00:01:09,220 --> 00:01:11,700
I've already got a layer
of scrotum under my nails.
19
00:01:11,700 --> 00:01:14,460
No. It's something important.
20
00:01:14,460 --> 00:01:16,140
Will you change the channel?
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00:01:16,140 --> 00:01:18,540
You're holding the remote.
22
00:01:18,540 --> 00:01:20,740
Yeah, but the buttons are all pushy.
23
00:01:20,740 --> 00:01:23,100
For God's sakes, Gaz.
24
00:01:23,100 --> 00:01:25,660
What? You said you'd do everything
for me.
25
00:01:25,660 --> 00:01:28,100
But I didn't realise how
humiliating that'd be.
26
00:01:28,100 --> 00:01:31,060
You're acting like you can't do
anything for yourself!
27
00:01:31,060 --> 00:01:32,820
I am a disabled.
28
00:01:32,820 --> 00:01:35,020
But you're still capable.
29
00:01:35,020 --> 00:01:37,140
I don't want to be wiping your arse
for you,
30
00:01:37,140 --> 00:01:40,420
I'd rather help with the more
important things you can't manage.
31
00:01:40,420 --> 00:01:42,980
Like wiping your arse!
32
00:01:42,980 --> 00:01:44,940
I need help.
33
00:01:44,940 --> 00:01:47,300
You don't need help,
you want a slave.
34
00:01:47,300 --> 00:01:48,700
Basically, yes.
35
00:01:48,700 --> 00:01:51,460
If you can't be bothered,
you can hire me a nurse.
36
00:01:51,460 --> 00:01:54,900
Hey, she could be like Barbara
Windsor in the Carry On films.
37
00:01:54,900 --> 00:01:58,140
No, no, sod it. She could be like
Barbara Windsor now, I still would.
38
00:01:59,780 --> 00:02:01,180
Ooh, the filthy bitch!
39
00:02:02,380 --> 00:02:06,260
Well, you had a carer, Billy,
and you told him to piss off.
40
00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:09,300
Yeah, because he was mental.
41
00:02:09,300 --> 00:02:11,420
Do you know what he said to me
the other day?
42
00:02:11,420 --> 00:02:13,700
"You look nice."
43
00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:17,540
Yes, it's called being affectionate,
Gaz. Remember, you tried it once.
44
00:02:17,540 --> 00:02:20,860
After a shag you slapped me on the
arse and said, "Good job, buddy."
45
00:02:22,780 --> 00:02:25,580
I know, I can be a right
soppy twat sometimes.
46
00:02:25,580 --> 00:02:29,700
He was just trying to be your mate.
Well, I like blokes to act
like blokes, not Billys.
47
00:02:29,700 --> 00:02:32,340
And I like me
nurses to be dirty sluts.
48
00:02:32,340 --> 00:02:34,140
Well, you're not getting a nurse.
49
00:02:34,140 --> 00:02:36,620
You gave up that entitlement
by sacking Billy.
50
00:02:36,620 --> 00:02:39,980
Can't we just hire one?
51
00:02:39,980 --> 00:02:42,900
We've got no money coming in,
what with me having no job.
52
00:02:42,900 --> 00:02:44,700
Well, just go and sign on.
53
00:02:44,700 --> 00:02:48,660
No! I'm the breadwinner now,
out there winning bread.
54
00:02:48,660 --> 00:02:51,460
It's a matter of pride.
55
00:02:51,460 --> 00:02:54,020
Homepride.
56
00:02:54,020 --> 00:02:59,740
You and your pride. It's pride
is what's stopping you emptying out
me piss bottles.
57
00:02:59,740 --> 00:03:04,260
Look, Gaz, I'm gonna get a job
and some money, and I'm gonna make
sure everything's sorted.
58
00:03:04,260 --> 00:03:05,820
Ah, is that cos you love me?
59
00:03:05,820 --> 00:03:09,340
No, because otherwise I'm
gonna take your piss bottles,
60
00:03:09,340 --> 00:03:11,660
fill the bath with them,
then drown you in it!
61
00:03:13,420 --> 00:03:14,900
What about me, eh?
62
00:03:14,900 --> 00:03:19,740
At least put something more
wank-worthy on the telly!
63
00:03:19,740 --> 00:03:22,820
TV: 'And coming up next,
it's those Loose Women.'
64
00:03:22,820 --> 00:03:25,020
You got lucky!
65
00:03:26,900 --> 00:03:30,140
What's up, Billy? You've got a face
like a slapped arse -
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00:03:30,140 --> 00:03:32,620
distressed, but appealing
nonetheless.
67
00:03:32,620 --> 00:03:35,940
It's this stuff with Gaz.
I don't like not being liked, like.
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00:03:35,940 --> 00:03:37,700
Everyone likes me.
69
00:03:37,700 --> 00:03:42,060
Normally, I flash someone a smile
and a cheeky wink and they're putty
70
00:03:42,060 --> 00:03:43,820
Yeah, right.
71
00:03:45,340 --> 00:03:47,180
TIM GIGGLES
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00:03:47,180 --> 00:03:49,260
I've got to make Gaz my mate.
73
00:03:49,260 --> 00:03:53,260
Come on, Billy! Life's too short
to worry that a couple of people
74
00:03:53,260 --> 00:03:55,420
Who else doesn't like me?!
I like you, Billy!
75
00:03:55,420 --> 00:03:58,540
I figured that when you followed me
into the toilet.
76
00:04:00,140 --> 00:04:03,820
Oh, my days! I like him so much.
77
00:04:03,820 --> 00:04:08,100
Well, go on, make your move. Pounce
on him like Catherine Zeta-Jones
78
00:04:08,100 --> 00:04:11,180
Yeah, well, I appreciate
your stupid advice,
79
00:04:11,180 --> 00:04:13,460
but go shove it
up your flapping arsehole.
80
00:04:15,940 --> 00:04:18,780
Hi, Tim, how's it going?
81
00:04:18,780 --> 00:04:22,140
Give me a job, I need a job,
give me my old job back.
82
00:04:22,140 --> 00:04:25,580
I'm sorry, Donna, I've no
need for any more staff,
83
00:04:25,580 --> 00:04:28,020
I've got an excellent new barmaid.
84
00:04:28,020 --> 00:04:32,140
Cassie. She's like Attila
the Hun on the blob.
85
00:04:32,140 --> 00:04:35,460
Yeah, well, I can't disagree,
but I've realised that she only
86
00:04:35,460 --> 00:04:39,220
treats people badly because of how
she feels about herself.
87
00:04:39,220 --> 00:04:43,540
As her caring big brother,
I'm rebuilding her confidence
by letting her work here.
88
00:04:43,540 --> 00:04:45,860
It's really improving
her people skills.
89
00:04:45,860 --> 00:04:50,180
I told you, you gave me a tenner,
not a twenty, you spunking knobhead!
90
00:04:51,260 --> 00:04:54,060
Yeah, she seems much friendlier(!)
91
00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:57,420
Have you got any spare shifts for
a worker who knows how to be nice?
92
00:04:57,420 --> 00:05:00,180
Hiya, Donna, babe.
Piss off, Billy!
93
00:05:00,180 --> 00:05:01,580
Please, Tim.
94
00:05:01,580 --> 00:05:03,100
Why are you so desperate?
95
00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:05,540
I'm...I'm not desperate.
96
00:05:05,540 --> 00:05:08,540
I just need to find a job
so I don't have to look after Gaz.
97
00:05:08,540 --> 00:05:12,020
But I can't leave him on his own all
day. Why don't you ask Billy?
98
00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:15,820
I mean, he's so caring it
makes my labia piercing tingle.
99
00:05:17,660 --> 00:05:21,940
Gaz hates Billy. Yeah, but it's
100
00:05:21,940 --> 00:05:24,700
I am fairly desperate.
101
00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:27,620
Billy. How are you?
102
00:05:32,340 --> 00:05:35,300
Hello? Hiya, yeah, I'm looking
for a home help nurse.
103
00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:38,460
Preferably double-jointed.
104
00:05:38,460 --> 00:05:40,340
And, erm, could she be Brazilian?
105
00:05:42,860 --> 00:05:45,860
Could she have a Brazilian?
106
00:05:45,860 --> 00:05:50,980
Look, just send a fit bird over
who's willing to work
for two quid a day, all right?
107
00:05:50,980 --> 00:05:52,780
Hello...
108
00:05:52,780 --> 00:05:53,900
Hello?
109
00:05:53,900 --> 00:05:55,100
KNOCK AT DOOR
110
00:05:55,100 --> 00:05:58,420
That was quick, didn't even give
them the address. Come in!
111
00:05:58,420 --> 00:06:01,780
All right, babe! Oh, for God's sake!
112
00:06:01,780 --> 00:06:05,900
How's the sexiest thing on wheels
since the Fiat Cinquecento?
113
00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:08,100
What are you doing here?
114
00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:10,220
I'm here to look after you.
115
00:06:10,220 --> 00:06:14,180
You're nothing like what I asked for.
You don't have a Brazilian. Do you?
116
00:06:14,180 --> 00:06:19,820
Nah. I tried it once though, made
my junk look like a frozen turkey.
117
00:06:25,380 --> 00:06:27,900
Well,
that's ruined my Christmas dinner.
118
00:06:27,900 --> 00:06:30,220
Donna sent me to take care of you,
again.
119
00:06:30,220 --> 00:06:31,340
But I hate you.
120
00:06:31,340 --> 00:06:34,300
Ah, she said you don't hate me,
121
00:06:34,300 --> 00:06:38,460
See, that's what she said about
sticking her finger up my arse.
122
00:06:38,460 --> 00:06:41,140
She kind of had a point with that,
but she doesn't with you.
123
00:06:41,140 --> 00:06:43,940
I don't want you here being some
weird womanly, manly man.
124
00:06:43,940 --> 00:06:45,580
How am I womanly, babe?
125
00:06:45,580 --> 00:06:48,540
You call me babe,
you keep complimenting me,
126
00:06:48,540 --> 00:06:51,380
you shave your pubes,
and you're a nurse!
127
00:06:51,380 --> 00:06:54,820
Oh, that stuff.
128
00:06:54,820 --> 00:06:58,340
Fine, then I'll just...
You know... It's just...
129
00:06:58,340 --> 00:07:01,300
Oh, please, Gaz,
you've got to be my mate, mate.
130
00:07:01,300 --> 00:07:04,180
It's doing my head in you
don't like me. Everyone likes me.
131
00:07:04,180 --> 00:07:05,980
I'll do anything to make you happy.
132
00:07:07,780 --> 00:07:10,580
Anything? Like a slave?
133
00:07:10,580 --> 00:07:15,660
I guess, though I'm not sure
I like being called a slave.
134
00:07:15,660 --> 00:07:17,620
Right. Empty out my piss bottle.
135
00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:20,420
Go on!
136
00:07:24,260 --> 00:07:30,340
Miss Henshaw? Yeah, hi. That is,
yes, hello, good afternoon, even.
137
00:07:30,340 --> 00:07:34,420
Donna Henshaw? Yeah, that's me.
Amy Evans.
138
00:07:34,420 --> 00:07:37,340
No, Donna Henshaw. Come on, love,
it can't be that hard.
139
00:07:37,340 --> 00:07:40,780
No, I'm Amy Evans.
140
00:07:40,780 --> 00:07:43,460
We were at school together.
We were?
141
00:07:43,460 --> 00:07:45,180
Yeah!
142
00:07:45,180 --> 00:07:48,260
Oh, what would jog your memory?
143
00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:52,620
Donna Henshaw, you're a scag
and a slag, your mum's a prozzie
and you buy your clothes at C&A.
144
00:07:55,300 --> 00:08:00,900
Amy! Of course! I didn't recognise
you without you throwing eggs at me.
145
00:08:00,900 --> 00:08:05,540
You were such a laugh,
always shouting...
146
00:08:05,540 --> 00:08:11,300
"One day I'll show you. I'm better
than you, you thick bitches!"
147
00:08:11,300 --> 00:08:14,900
Yes, that does
sound like something I'd say.
148
00:08:14,900 --> 00:08:17,100
Erm, well,
you're doing well for yourself.
149
00:08:17,100 --> 00:08:20,660
Yeah, shame I can't say
the same for you.
150
00:08:20,660 --> 00:08:22,620
No-no-no.
151
00:08:22,620 --> 00:08:25,260
No, I'm not here to sign on.
No, I'm just...
152
00:08:25,260 --> 00:08:29,300
I'm seeking to continue
my successful career
153
00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:33,780
after generously taking time out
to look after my very handsome
154
00:08:33,780 --> 00:08:36,580
and well-hung boyfriend.
155
00:08:36,580 --> 00:08:38,180
I see.
156
00:08:38,180 --> 00:08:42,900
It looks like we don't have
157
00:08:42,900 --> 00:08:47,820
so why don't you apply for
Jobseeker's Allowance, just until
something more suitable comes along.
158
00:08:47,820 --> 00:08:49,740
If it ever does.
159
00:08:49,740 --> 00:08:51,300
Something will come along.
160
00:08:51,300 --> 00:08:54,500
I am highly employable. Highly!
I don't need your charity.
161
00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:56,660
I don't belong in a shithole
like this.
162
00:08:56,660 --> 00:08:58,660
Have you seen the people
who come in here?
163
00:08:58,660 --> 00:09:01,780
They reek of cider and they can
164
00:09:01,780 --> 00:09:04,420
Those are my work colleagues.
165
00:09:04,420 --> 00:09:09,140
I see.
They still reek of cider though.
166
00:09:11,100 --> 00:09:12,740
What you looking at, knob eyes?
167
00:09:12,740 --> 00:09:17,220
I'm curious. Why didn't you catapult
yourself at Billy when you had
the chance earlier?
168
00:09:17,220 --> 00:09:21,660
Well, maybe I didn't want
your giant moon of a face
watching me while I did.
169
00:09:21,660 --> 00:09:24,660
You are scared of making
a move on him, aren't you?
170
00:09:24,660 --> 00:09:28,860
You're more terrified than
James Corden is of Ryvita.
171
00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:31,260
You really are insecure.
172
00:09:31,260 --> 00:09:33,140
I'm not insecure.
173
00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:35,740
I won Miss Young Offenders 2010.
174
00:09:35,740 --> 00:09:38,660
Though I did hospitalise
most of the other contestants.
175
00:09:38,660 --> 00:09:40,260
Isn't it funny?
176
00:09:40,260 --> 00:09:42,860
Growing up, you always seemed
so confident -
177
00:09:42,860 --> 00:09:45,260
sitting on my head
and punching me in the balls.
178
00:09:46,340 --> 00:09:50,220
But now I see, beyond the thorns
there lies a delicate flower.
179
00:09:50,220 --> 00:09:52,460
You take that back!
180
00:09:52,460 --> 00:09:55,260
You're sensitive
and charmingly meek.
181
00:09:55,260 --> 00:09:57,620
Billy would be lucky to have
a girl like you.
182
00:09:57,620 --> 00:10:01,540
Don't be thick.
He's not interested in me.
183
00:10:01,540 --> 00:10:04,100
But you've got loads of things
going for you.
184
00:10:04,100 --> 00:10:09,500
You're forceful. You're stern.
You're forcefully stern.
185
00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:14,380
Billy flirts with everyone BUT me.
I'm just not hot enough.
186
00:10:14,380 --> 00:10:18,980
Look, if it's your appearance you're
worried about we can sort that out!
187
00:10:18,980 --> 00:10:23,980
I could give you a makeover,
you could see my Gok! Ugh, rank!
188
00:10:23,980 --> 00:10:26,220
My Gok Wan, stupid.
189
00:10:26,220 --> 00:10:29,620
It's all about the confidence.
190
00:10:30,980 --> 00:10:34,420
You really are a cock.
You mean Gok.
191
00:10:34,420 --> 00:10:35,540
No.
192
00:10:38,980 --> 00:10:42,060
Come on, slave, try and be more
comfortable.
193
00:10:42,060 --> 00:10:43,580
Sorry.
194
00:10:43,580 --> 00:10:45,020
Sorry, what?
195
00:10:45,020 --> 00:10:47,820
Sorry, Master.
196
00:10:47,820 --> 00:10:49,140
No.
197
00:10:49,140 --> 00:10:51,820
Sorry, Gaz,
Master of the Universe.
198
00:10:51,820 --> 00:10:54,500
That's better.
199
00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:59,180
Why d'you want to become a nurse
anyway, didn't you want a more
manly job?
200
00:10:59,180 --> 00:11:01,220
I did wanna be
a professional footballer,
201
00:11:01,220 --> 00:11:04,780
but me dad said I was a dreamer
and I should find real work,
202
00:11:04,780 --> 00:11:07,860
so I figured I'd go for the next
most obvious job and be a nurse.
203
00:11:07,860 --> 00:11:11,260
Oh. Why didn't you just have
a fanny put in while you were at it?
204
00:11:12,700 --> 00:11:15,780
Stupid, snooty, stuck-up bitch.
Who is?
205
00:11:15,780 --> 00:11:18,340
Gary Barlow.
206
00:11:21,060 --> 00:11:23,260
Hi, Billy, how's it going?
207
00:11:23,260 --> 00:11:24,700
Permission to speak.
208
00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:27,420
Not that well, thanks, babe.
209
00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:30,260
There's nothing I can do
that'll make Gaz like me.
210
00:11:30,260 --> 00:11:31,980
Dinner's almost ready.
211
00:11:31,980 --> 00:11:33,980
Hey!
We call it lunch in this flat.
212
00:11:33,980 --> 00:11:35,820
You call it dinner all the time.
213
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:37,500
Don't try and make me look stupid
214
00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:40,500
while I'm trying to make
Billy look stupid, right?
215
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:43,940
Honestly, Donna, I'm telling you,
he's a twat!
216
00:11:43,940 --> 00:11:46,180
Look, please just try and be nicer
to Billy.
217
00:11:46,180 --> 00:11:48,020
Can't you just look after me?
218
00:11:48,020 --> 00:11:50,740
And how would we live without
any money coming in?
219
00:11:50,740 --> 00:11:52,780
Well, just sign on.
220
00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:56,140
Hey, then you could be my slave!
I'd get you a dog collar
and a lead.
221
00:11:58,260 --> 00:12:01,100
Can you really imagine me
doing nothing more with my life
222
00:12:01,100 --> 00:12:03,820
than wearing a dog collar
and parading around on all fours?
223
00:12:07,980 --> 00:12:09,860
You can imagine that, can't you?
224
00:12:11,820 --> 00:12:12,940
Oh, yeah...
225
00:12:14,820 --> 00:12:15,860
Well, stop it!
226
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:18,300
Because it's not happening.
Do you know what?
227
00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:20,740
I'll get a job. I'll show
you - the best job ever!
228
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,900
I'll be like that
woman off The Apprentice.
229
00:12:22,900 --> 00:12:26,140
"Lord Sugar will see you now."
230
00:12:27,940 --> 00:12:29,980
Fine, go on, you leave me
with this idiot,
231
00:12:29,980 --> 00:12:34,260
but nothing he ever does is gonna
be good enough for me. Nothing!
What's that?
232
00:12:34,260 --> 00:12:36,340
Cheese toastie.
233
00:12:37,900 --> 00:12:39,700
My God, it smells amazing.
234
00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:46,980
Oh, my God, Billy! Oh!
That is like...
235
00:12:46,980 --> 00:12:50,540
It's like creamy liquid love's
exploded in my mouth.
236
00:12:52,420 --> 00:12:54,780
You have to grate the cheese
to get it like that,
237
00:12:54,780 --> 00:12:57,820
but I was willing to make the extra
effort, since it's for you.
238
00:12:57,820 --> 00:12:59,860
Billy, you're amazing.
239
00:12:59,860 --> 00:13:03,380
I should give you another chance,
I mean, you're good at one thing.
240
00:13:03,380 --> 00:13:07,380
Oooh! Wa-a-ay!
241
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:11,860
Come on, then, sister,
let's see you!
242
00:13:11,860 --> 00:13:14,540
What are you doing?
243
00:13:14,540 --> 00:13:16,700
I told you to be
in your bra and knickers
244
00:13:16,700 --> 00:13:19,100
so I could assess your body!
245
00:13:19,100 --> 00:13:22,700
And I told you to get painfully
stuffed, you freak.
246
00:13:22,700 --> 00:13:25,140
I'm noticing a lot of aggression
247
00:13:25,140 --> 00:13:28,980
Where's your femininity? It's like
you've forgotten how to be a woman.
248
00:13:28,980 --> 00:13:32,620
Well, of course I have! I've
249
00:13:32,620 --> 00:13:36,740
If I acted like a woman,
I'd either be beat up or felt up.
250
00:13:36,740 --> 00:13:39,100
Sometimes both...
251
00:13:39,100 --> 00:13:41,140
Brenda.
252
00:13:41,140 --> 00:13:46,740
Then we must rediscover your
inner diva. Let me see you walk.
253
00:13:52,300 --> 00:13:53,780
Have you shat yourself?!
254
00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:56,780
Here, look at how I do it.
255
00:14:03,180 --> 00:14:04,620
Now do your womanly walk.
256
00:14:04,620 --> 00:14:06,940
Hmm, maybe we should focus
on the clothes.
257
00:14:06,940 --> 00:14:10,500
Here, try these dresses on.
258
00:14:10,500 --> 00:14:11,940
I bought them for Helena.
259
00:14:11,940 --> 00:14:16,300
Turns out spaghetti straps
doesn't really work with her biceps.
260
00:14:16,300 --> 00:14:18,180
Why am I going along with this?
261
00:14:18,180 --> 00:14:22,140
Because you want to ride
Billy like a winter toboggan.
262
00:14:22,140 --> 00:14:24,140
Yeah!
263
00:14:24,140 --> 00:14:27,220
KNOCK AT DOOR
264
00:14:27,220 --> 00:14:29,780
That's it!
I can't get any work.
265
00:14:29,780 --> 00:14:33,780
I tried to get a job at a make-up
counter, but they said my skin
was too greasy,
266
00:14:33,780 --> 00:14:36,740
and then I tried at Wimpy,
they said I wasn't greasy enough!
267
00:14:36,740 --> 00:14:40,500
So, you finally ready to sign on?
268
00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:44,060
No-no-no-no-no.
I don't want to look really poor.
269
00:14:44,060 --> 00:14:47,460
Oh, Donna! Life's not just about
how things look.
270
00:14:50,340 --> 00:14:52,540
Good God, you look awful!
271
00:14:52,540 --> 00:14:56,740
Get back in there and try the other
dresses on. Monster!
272
00:14:56,740 --> 00:14:58,780
You monster! Oh!
273
00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:03,340
Well, it's not just that.
274
00:15:03,340 --> 00:15:06,460
If I sign on, it's like admitting
I've got no purpose in life.
275
00:15:06,460 --> 00:15:10,580
Oh, you would have a purpose -
taking care of Gaz.
276
00:15:10,580 --> 00:15:13,300
Oh! God, you're right.
277
00:15:13,300 --> 00:15:14,860
I need to look after Gaz,
278
00:15:14,860 --> 00:15:18,100
so the first step is getting
rid of Billy before Gaz kills him.
279
00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:22,060
And if he's already killed him I can
help Gaz dispose of the corpse.
280
00:15:23,540 --> 00:15:26,100
And it'd be nice to do
something together.
281
00:15:28,340 --> 00:15:30,540
Ah, that warms my heart,
that really does!
282
00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:37,220
Oh, Donna, before you go, would you
like a confidence-building makeover
283
00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:40,100
to help you realise how
beautiful you truly are?
284
00:15:42,940 --> 00:15:44,460
I think I'll pass.
285
00:15:46,940 --> 00:15:49,140
Fat bitch!
286
00:15:49,140 --> 00:15:52,580
Come on, Gaz, give it a go,
I reckon you'd enjoy it.
287
00:15:52,580 --> 00:15:55,980
I dunno, won't it make me
less of a man?
288
00:15:55,980 --> 00:16:00,540
Hey, if two guys like each other
289
00:16:04,340 --> 00:16:06,980
All right, all right, all right,
I'll give it a go.
290
00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:11,020
You all right, babe?
291
00:16:11,020 --> 00:16:13,980
There you go!
You're pretty good at it.
292
00:16:13,980 --> 00:16:15,380
Now suck my cock!
293
00:16:17,660 --> 00:16:21,740
Ha-ha! I'm only joking!
294
00:16:26,140 --> 00:16:28,060
It's not that bad,
being a modern man.
295
00:16:28,060 --> 00:16:30,100
I mean,
we're still blokes, aren't we?
296
00:16:30,100 --> 00:16:32,540
Course we are!
Do you want a manicure, by the way?
297
00:16:32,540 --> 00:16:34,340
Yeah, yeah, go on.
298
00:16:34,340 --> 00:16:37,500
Right, Billy,
sling it, Gaz doesn't like you!
299
00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:39,780
BOTH: You all right, babe?
300
00:16:39,780 --> 00:16:42,140
What's... What's going on?
301
00:16:42,140 --> 00:16:45,420
I'm just hanging with my buddy.
302
00:16:45,420 --> 00:16:46,580
You like Billy now?
303
00:16:46,580 --> 00:16:48,940
Yeah, he's kind of grown on me.
304
00:16:48,940 --> 00:16:50,500
He's dead sound!
305
00:16:51,820 --> 00:16:54,820
But you said he was a prick.
We agreed he was a prick.
306
00:16:54,820 --> 00:16:57,180
Erm... Shut up, you prick.
307
00:16:57,180 --> 00:17:00,740
Don't talk to him like that, he's
all right. It's all right, babe.
308
00:17:00,740 --> 00:17:02,900
Thanks, babe!
309
00:17:02,900 --> 00:17:05,700
You're welcome, babe.
310
00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:09,380
But...but I was going
to look after you.
311
00:17:09,380 --> 00:17:10,740
I was going to be caring.
312
00:17:10,740 --> 00:17:13,180
I was going to make a sacrifice!
313
00:17:13,180 --> 00:17:15,740
Ow! Stop hitting me!
314
00:17:15,740 --> 00:17:18,540
It's like being hit by a tiny,
annoying Barry McGuigan.
315
00:17:18,540 --> 00:17:20,900
You said you didn't want
to look after me!
316
00:17:20,900 --> 00:17:21,940
Well, no...
317
00:17:21,940 --> 00:17:25,100
You said you wanted to be
the breadwinner. Well, yeah.
318
00:17:25,100 --> 00:17:27,740
Right, so go and sort our
money out like you were going to.
319
00:17:27,740 --> 00:17:30,340
Right, fine.
320
00:17:30,340 --> 00:17:32,740
I'll be off, then,
to swallow my pride
321
00:17:32,740 --> 00:17:35,820
and make an absolute cock of myself.
322
00:17:35,820 --> 00:17:37,100
Well, see you, then.
323
00:17:42,100 --> 00:17:45,820
Right, go on, where's this manicure?
I'm starving.
324
00:17:48,860 --> 00:17:51,860
Back so soon? Yes.
I don't want to do this,
325
00:17:51,860 --> 00:17:54,940
but I need to make a sacrifice
for the sake of my relationship.
326
00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:58,860
Do what, Donna? I need help.
327
00:17:58,860 --> 00:18:01,420
I'm skint, properly skint.
328
00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:05,180
Passing off dog food
as chilli con carne skint.
329
00:18:06,380 --> 00:18:09,980
So I guess I need to sign on,
though I really don't want to.
330
00:18:09,980 --> 00:18:12,260
I see.
331
00:18:12,260 --> 00:18:13,380
My life's a mess.
332
00:18:13,380 --> 00:18:17,020
My only two friends have
buggered off, I'm struggling
to take care of Gaz,
333
00:18:17,020 --> 00:18:18,660
and it's all getting on top of me.
334
00:18:18,660 --> 00:18:20,460
Donna...
335
00:18:20,460 --> 00:18:23,860
And at school, I was a scag,
but I wasn't a slag,
336
00:18:23,860 --> 00:18:25,820
because I was too much of a scag.
337
00:18:25,820 --> 00:18:28,060
You can stop now, Donna.
338
00:18:28,060 --> 00:18:29,820
I can't help it.
339
00:18:29,820 --> 00:18:31,900
I've been denying this
stuff for so long.
340
00:18:31,900 --> 00:18:34,540
I've been acting all proud,
341
00:18:34,540 --> 00:18:36,740
and I've got nothing to be proud of.
342
00:18:39,820 --> 00:18:44,020
You are perfect for the dole.
Sign here.
343
00:18:46,140 --> 00:18:47,820
Maybe things aren't so bad.
344
00:18:47,820 --> 00:18:50,340
I mean, we've got a bit of money
345
00:18:50,340 --> 00:18:52,740
Life's not completely shit.
346
00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:57,380
And here's the amount of benefit
that you'll be entitled to a week.
347
00:18:57,380 --> 00:18:58,500
Shit!
348
00:19:01,540 --> 00:19:04,580
How are you enjoying your film,
babe?
349
00:19:04,580 --> 00:19:08,940
Dance, Billy. Dance,
you Geordie bastard, dance.
350
00:19:08,940 --> 00:19:11,860
OK, but you know I'm from Liverpool.
351
00:19:11,860 --> 00:19:16,140
No, I'm talking about Billy Elliot!
You know, you're just like him.
352
00:19:16,140 --> 00:19:18,060
Cos I'm called Billy, too.
353
00:19:18,060 --> 00:19:20,900
No, no, no. His dad didn't
believe in his dreams either.
354
00:19:20,900 --> 00:19:24,260
You should follow your heart
and try playing footy full-time.
355
00:19:24,260 --> 00:19:25,340
I dunno...
356
00:19:25,340 --> 00:19:28,060
Oh, come on! You've already got
the body of an athlete.
357
00:19:28,060 --> 00:19:32,300
Eh? Well, you taught me a man
can pay another man a compliment
without it being weird.
358
00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:35,460
You're the one to talk. You need
359
00:19:35,460 --> 00:19:39,220
Ah, these tiny things!
360
00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:43,180
Nah, I'm top-heavy. You've got
powerful thighs for sprinting after
the ball.
361
00:19:43,180 --> 00:19:46,380
And your arse...your arse... Yeah?
362
00:19:51,060 --> 00:19:54,260
Your arse is like your face,
arseface.
363
00:19:54,260 --> 00:19:56,900
Eh? What's up, babe? What have
I done? What have you done?
364
00:19:56,900 --> 00:19:59,540
You've tried to turn me into you,
that's what.
365
00:19:59,540 --> 00:20:04,700
I'm nothing like you. I'm like Chuck
Norris or Stephen the seagull.
366
00:20:04,700 --> 00:20:07,020
I don't tell blokes they've got
nice arses,
367
00:20:07,020 --> 00:20:08,740
I don't say babe and I hate hugs.
368
00:20:08,740 --> 00:20:10,500
Sounds like you need a hug.
369
00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:12,140
I need you to leave.
370
00:20:12,140 --> 00:20:17,060
I thought we were getting on?
371
00:20:19,140 --> 00:20:22,940
All right, then, I'll see you, b...
See you, Gaz.
372
00:20:24,540 --> 00:20:28,100
Yeah, go on! I should never have gone
along with this in the first place,
373
00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:30,100
I don't need looking after,
I'm a bloke.
374
00:20:32,260 --> 00:20:35,540
And you can piss off an' all,
you twinkle-toed Geordie twat.
375
00:20:38,740 --> 00:20:43,620
Come on, Cassie. Billy's here and
he's looking even more miserable.
376
00:20:43,620 --> 00:20:47,220
Seal the friggin' deal!
I'm not sure about this outfit!
377
00:20:47,220 --> 00:20:51,380
Oh, come on! You look just like the
kind of woman that'd get me excited!
378
00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:58,460
See! Don't you feel confident?
379
00:20:58,460 --> 00:20:59,900
I feel like a clown.
380
00:20:59,900 --> 00:21:01,260
Like a confident clown.
381
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:03,020
Come on, just get over there
382
00:21:03,020 --> 00:21:06,900
and use the power of Gaga before
I put you in a dress made of meat.
383
00:21:13,660 --> 00:21:15,780
Hello. Surprise!
384
00:21:15,780 --> 00:21:18,860
Ah!
385
00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:21,540
Was that a good "Ah"?
386
00:21:21,540 --> 00:21:23,820
Are you supposed to be
Elton John in drag?
387
00:21:23,820 --> 00:21:25,180
No!
388
00:21:25,180 --> 00:21:28,700
Are you supposed to be that mad
transsexual who shadow-boxes
in the park?
389
00:21:28,700 --> 00:21:32,500
No. Are you supposed to be...
How about you stop guessing?
390
00:21:34,100 --> 00:21:35,500
Donna! What's up with you?
391
00:21:35,500 --> 00:21:41,060
I am being what I have become -
dole scum.
392
00:21:41,060 --> 00:21:42,260
Strong cider?
393
00:21:42,260 --> 00:21:45,580
I'm sorry, I can't let you do this.
394
00:21:45,580 --> 00:21:47,700
Either buy a drink in here
or get out.
395
00:21:49,380 --> 00:21:52,500
I can't afford your extortionate
396
00:21:52,500 --> 00:21:56,260
I will have you know, I am saving
up for a Rottweiler on a string.
397
00:21:59,060 --> 00:22:02,700
Anyway, shouldn't you be with Gaz?
Why? He's got Billy now.
398
00:22:02,700 --> 00:22:06,420
No, he hasn't, Billy's right there.
399
00:22:06,420 --> 00:22:11,340
Right, I am just pissed
and brave enough to tell him
exactly what I think of him.
400
00:22:11,340 --> 00:22:14,020
Hey, Billy!
401
00:22:19,340 --> 00:22:20,740
Tim.
402
00:22:20,740 --> 00:22:23,380
Lady G.
403
00:22:24,980 --> 00:22:28,700
God, I was so worried about Gaz
not liking me,
it's like everyone hates me.
404
00:22:28,700 --> 00:22:32,300
No, they don't. And you shouldn't
need everyone to like you.
405
00:22:32,300 --> 00:22:35,660
If Gaz hates you,
it's cos he's a twat.
406
00:22:35,660 --> 00:22:37,860
I think you're amazing.
407
00:22:37,860 --> 00:22:41,060
Do you really feel that way?
408
00:22:41,060 --> 00:22:43,700
I've been so blind not to see it.
409
00:22:43,700 --> 00:22:45,620
Yeah, Gaz is a twat.
410
00:22:47,220 --> 00:22:50,220
I'm not the one with the problem,
he is, the twat.
411
00:22:50,220 --> 00:22:53,820
I'm going to go and tell him
right now!
412
00:22:55,380 --> 00:22:57,820
Oh, and...thanks, love.
413
00:22:57,820 --> 00:23:01,300
Well,
that was a miserable waste of time!
414
00:23:01,300 --> 00:23:03,540
You weren't wearing that
with confidence.
415
00:23:03,540 --> 00:23:05,940
I thought I'd made you feel good
416
00:23:05,940 --> 00:23:07,340
you useless cow.
417
00:23:07,340 --> 00:23:11,500
He called me love! He loves me!
418
00:23:14,540 --> 00:23:17,180
Stupid, pissing Billy.
Thinks I can't do...
419
00:23:17,180 --> 00:23:20,620
I tell you what, I'm going
to make a toastie, better
420
00:23:20,620 --> 00:23:22,820
Right, get some bread.
421
00:23:40,460 --> 00:23:43,100
Oh, Jesus! Oh, shit!
422
00:23:44,980 --> 00:23:47,860
HE BLOWS
423
00:23:47,860 --> 00:23:51,340
Oh, shit! Ooh! Bollocks!
424
00:23:51,340 --> 00:23:54,300
Oh, shit! Oh!
425
00:23:54,300 --> 00:23:57,020
OK, um... OK, that's a fire. Um...
426
00:23:57,020 --> 00:24:02,140
OK, I need help now.
Help! Help! Help!
427
00:24:13,340 --> 00:24:15,340
Who's burning toast?
428
00:24:20,300 --> 00:24:22,220
My chuffing flat!
429
00:24:22,220 --> 00:24:25,700
My chuffing boyfriend! Gaz!
Help!
430
00:24:25,700 --> 00:24:26,940
Donna, what's going on?
431
00:24:26,940 --> 00:24:28,980
Jesus, Donna, your flat's on fire!
432
00:24:28,980 --> 00:24:32,620
I know, and Gaz is still in there.
What?
433
00:24:32,620 --> 00:24:35,380
Billy, don't be a hero,
don't be a fool!
434
00:24:37,060 --> 00:24:39,380
Call the fire brigade!
435
00:24:39,380 --> 00:24:43,820
Fire! Send everyone! Send the army!
436
00:24:43,820 --> 00:24:46,660
Send Doctor Who!
437
00:24:48,860 --> 00:24:51,420
Gaz! Gaz!
438
00:24:53,580 --> 00:24:58,740
Gaz! Gaz! Gaz!
439
00:24:58,740 --> 00:25:01,380
I've got you, Gaz,
you're safe now.
440
00:25:04,460 --> 00:25:05,860
Ooh, sorry, Gaz.
441
00:25:05,860 --> 00:25:07,540
You dick!
442
00:25:11,340 --> 00:25:13,260
You could say thank you to Billy.
443
00:25:13,260 --> 00:25:15,300
What for?
444
00:25:15,300 --> 00:25:17,100
For saving your life.
445
00:25:17,100 --> 00:25:20,140
He didn't even bother
to put the fire out.
446
00:25:21,180 --> 00:25:24,100
He went back in
and got your wheelchair out!
447
00:25:25,980 --> 00:25:28,940
Which is now slightly singed.
448
00:25:28,940 --> 00:25:31,300
Billy, get over here!
449
00:25:33,340 --> 00:25:36,340
Gaz has got something
he wanted to say to you.
450
00:25:36,340 --> 00:25:37,700
Come on.
451
00:25:39,420 --> 00:25:41,340
Thank you for saving my life.
452
00:25:41,340 --> 00:25:44,300
That's all right.
Sorry I was a bit full on with you,
453
00:25:44,300 --> 00:25:46,420
I was just hoping
I could make you like me.
454
00:25:46,420 --> 00:25:48,940
No, I do like you, you just...
455
00:25:48,940 --> 00:25:50,620
You know, you're a good guy.
456
00:25:50,620 --> 00:25:53,620
You're just not as blokey
as the other blokes I know.
457
00:25:53,620 --> 00:25:58,820
Now this is how you wear
an outfit with confidence.
458
00:26:00,180 --> 00:26:04,220
You could have done your bikini line
first. Ooh! Nobody look at me!
459
00:26:04,220 --> 00:26:08,660
I'm an abomination! I'm disgusting!
I'm disgusting! Ooh!
460
00:26:10,900 --> 00:26:14,700
You're not as blokey as MOST
of the blokes that I know.
461
00:26:14,700 --> 00:26:18,940
But, you know, I do appreciate you
getting me out of the fire, thanks.
462
00:26:18,940 --> 00:26:21,780
No probs. You made me realise what
I want to do with my life.
463
00:26:21,780 --> 00:26:23,260
What, look after people?
464
00:26:23,260 --> 00:26:26,820
Nah, you kind of nearly
died on me watch, I'm rubbish.
465
00:26:26,820 --> 00:26:30,220
So, I'm going to give up nursing,
I'm gonna try and be a footballer!
466
00:26:30,220 --> 00:26:34,500
Cos God knows this country
has far too many trained
health care professionals
467
00:26:34,500 --> 00:26:36,740
and not nearly enough
overpaid sportsmen.
468
00:26:38,020 --> 00:26:40,260
I know, yeah.
469
00:26:40,260 --> 00:26:42,740
So, we're good?
470
00:26:42,740 --> 00:26:45,780
Yeah, you're all right, chum.
471
00:26:45,780 --> 00:26:48,100
Well, go on,
you can try a bit harder than that.
472
00:26:49,420 --> 00:26:53,780
All right, come here! Ooh!
473
00:26:53,780 --> 00:26:55,380
I'll get the drinks in!
474
00:26:59,060 --> 00:27:00,460
Did he just kiss me?!
475
00:27:00,460 --> 00:27:02,700
Let it go.
476
00:27:02,700 --> 00:27:08,300
Hi, Billy. So you and Gaz are mates
now? Yeah, it's nice to know someone
477
00:27:08,300 --> 00:27:10,540
It's Cassie, dickhead.
478
00:27:10,540 --> 00:27:12,780
(I love you!)
479
00:27:14,620 --> 00:27:19,540
D'you know?
Maybe this fire was a good thing.
480
00:27:19,540 --> 00:27:23,340
I mean, after all,
it's helped me make a new friend.
481
00:27:23,340 --> 00:27:26,140
Don't that make it all worthwhile?
Worthwhile?
482
00:27:26,140 --> 00:27:30,740
Erm, you're mates with somebody
that you could've been friends
483
00:27:30,740 --> 00:27:34,100
and now we are homeless,
484
00:27:34,100 --> 00:27:35,140
broke,
485
00:27:35,140 --> 00:27:38,140
all of our possessions
have gone up in smoke.
486
00:27:38,140 --> 00:27:40,420
So, I don't know,
you...you tell me,
487
00:27:40,420 --> 00:27:43,700
how in the HELL that's worthwhile?!
488
00:27:45,180 --> 00:27:46,940
Pissing Billy!
489
00:27:50,060 --> 00:27:52,860
It's so devastating
to see your home this way.
490
00:27:52,860 --> 00:27:55,540
Oh, my God, my porn cupboard.
491
00:27:55,540 --> 00:27:58,940
I'll tell the whole of Runcorn
a terrible secret about you.
492
00:27:58,940 --> 00:28:01,980
Why have you got your muff out?
493
00:28:01,980 --> 00:28:05,300
Get a proper man's jar down your
neck! I can't have any more drinks.
494
00:28:05,300 --> 00:28:07,180
I've got to be rested
for this trial.
495
00:28:07,180 --> 00:28:09,220
My evil sister's trying
to blackmail me.
496
00:28:09,220 --> 00:28:11,100
Billy got pissed.
497
00:28:11,100 --> 00:28:15,180
Everyone! There's something
you need to know!
498
00:28:19,020 --> 00:28:23,060
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
499
00:28:23,060 --> 00:28:28,060
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
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