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1
00:00:02,060 --> 00:00:05,620
This programme
contains adult humour
2
00:00:05,620 --> 00:00:08,260
You've got to choose, Gaz.
It's impossible.
3
00:00:08,260 --> 00:00:10,660
It's like trying
to choose between Ant and Dec.
4
00:00:12,460 --> 00:00:14,180
What have I been doing?
5
00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:16,460
It's obvious who I should be with.
6
00:00:18,380 --> 00:00:21,700
There's been an accident.
Gaz is in hospital.
7
00:00:21,700 --> 00:00:24,060
I've got to get there!
Wesley, give me a lift.
8
00:00:24,060 --> 00:00:26,500
Janet, wait!
He doesn't want you there.
9
00:00:27,780 --> 00:00:28,900
It's always been you.
10
00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:38,260
# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink
11
00:00:38,260 --> 00:00:43,220
# I want a cold, wet glass
with bubbles in it
12
00:00:43,220 --> 00:00:48,620
# And that doesn't mean I can't
handle anything stronger now
13
00:00:48,620 --> 00:00:50,380
# Just think I'll wait a while
14
00:00:50,380 --> 00:00:54,100
# I'll have a pint of lager, please
15
00:00:54,100 --> 00:00:56,300
# And a pack of flakies. #
16
00:01:00,340 --> 00:01:02,500
Thanks, Billy.
You can just put him anywhere.
17
00:01:02,500 --> 00:01:05,860
Oi! I'm not a fridge.
18
00:01:05,860 --> 00:01:08,180
Do you need a hand getting
out your chair? No.
19
00:01:08,180 --> 00:01:09,740
I just want to help.
20
00:01:09,740 --> 00:01:11,940
How about I take you to the loo? No.
21
00:01:13,860 --> 00:01:16,780
I can scratch that for you,
if you like?
22
00:01:16,780 --> 00:01:18,580
Are you taking the piss?
23
00:01:18,580 --> 00:01:20,460
I do it for some
of my older patients.
24
00:01:20,460 --> 00:01:23,340
I've even got a special stick.
25
00:01:23,340 --> 00:01:24,700
Why is he still here?
26
00:01:24,700 --> 00:01:27,020
He's trying to give you a hand.
It's his job.
27
00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:31,620
I don't need a hand! Especially his
robbing Scouse hands - have you
checked your purse?
28
00:01:31,620 --> 00:01:33,620
Don't be offensive!
29
00:01:36,500 --> 00:01:37,980
Go on, sling it!
30
00:01:37,980 --> 00:01:41,700
Time to give my woman the red-hot
shafting she's been waiting
months for.
31
00:01:41,700 --> 00:01:43,860
Don't listen to him.
32
00:01:43,860 --> 00:01:47,140
Although he does have a point.
Thanks for everything. Bye!
33
00:01:47,140 --> 00:01:48,180
No probs, babe!
34
00:01:48,180 --> 00:01:51,380
If you need a hand, I'm happy
to help with absolutely anything.
35
00:01:51,380 --> 00:01:53,700
If you ever need my
testicle-tickling stick!
36
00:01:53,700 --> 00:01:55,340
Get him out!
37
00:01:55,340 --> 00:01:57,140
Thanks, Billy, bye.
38
00:01:57,140 --> 00:02:00,700
What do you mean, "Thanks for
everything"? He's done sod all.
39
00:02:00,700 --> 00:02:04,300
He was teaching me how to look after
you when we got back. Which is why -
40
00:02:04,300 --> 00:02:07,780
# Check out, check out, check out,
check out the hand-rail... #
41
00:02:07,780 --> 00:02:08,860
SHE GRUNTS
42
00:02:08,860 --> 00:02:12,100
# Check out, check out, check out,
check out the be-e-edpan
43
00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:14,780
# Check out, check out,
check out, check out
44
00:02:14,780 --> 00:02:16,180
# The leaflet for Stannah
Stairlifts. #
45
00:02:17,500 --> 00:02:20,340
I don't need that stuff.
Nothing's really changed.
46
00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:21,660
Right, of course.
47
00:02:21,660 --> 00:02:25,300
And now, I'm going to shag you
till your nose falls off.
48
00:02:27,140 --> 00:02:28,620
Are you sure about this?
49
00:02:28,620 --> 00:02:31,260
Oh, the things
I'm going to do to you!
50
00:02:33,980 --> 00:02:35,140
Don't worry, Gaz.
51
00:02:38,580 --> 00:02:40,660
It happens to every man,
at some point.
52
00:02:42,780 --> 00:02:44,180
What, they fall off the bed?
53
00:02:47,940 --> 00:02:52,060
Knock over a bedside cabinet,
piss everywhere and start crying?
54
00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:55,420
We just need
to try another technique.
55
00:02:55,420 --> 00:02:58,140
You know, like try not
to leap on me.
56
00:02:59,540 --> 00:03:02,100
Maybe crawl...
57
00:03:04,260 --> 00:03:06,020
..or waddle.
58
00:03:06,020 --> 00:03:08,740
Oh, yeah, cos that sounds sexy,
59
00:03:08,740 --> 00:03:11,540
"I'm going to waddle
the shit out of you."
60
00:03:14,020 --> 00:03:16,620
I tell you what,
we could go to the Archer.
61
00:03:16,620 --> 00:03:20,660
Yeah, it'd be nice to get back to
normal, see the rest of the old gang.
62
00:03:20,660 --> 00:03:22,220
Right, what old gang?
63
00:03:22,220 --> 00:03:23,860
Janet's gone to Milton Keynes
64
00:03:23,860 --> 00:03:27,060
and Louise has joined that weird
moon-worshipping cult.
65
00:03:27,060 --> 00:03:30,180
God, yeah, what was she thinking?
66
00:03:30,180 --> 00:03:31,260
In Milton Keynes?!
67
00:03:32,940 --> 00:03:35,860
But no, no, there's the rest
of the old crowd, isn't there?
68
00:03:35,860 --> 00:03:39,420
There's, um, there's Tim
and ah, Jim. Um...
69
00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:41,260
Ken and Deirdre, Mike Baldwin.
70
00:03:41,260 --> 00:03:45,420
I just want to see my best mate
who never changes then, my old pub.
71
00:03:45,420 --> 00:03:48,500
There's something I should mention
about The Archer.
72
00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:56,340
Look at this place.
73
00:03:56,340 --> 00:03:59,700
It's like Hollyoaks.
74
00:03:59,700 --> 00:04:01,020
Only with Arthur!
75
00:04:02,460 --> 00:04:03,940
AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS
76
00:04:03,940 --> 00:04:06,940
No, no, I can handle this.
I can fit in with a young crowd.
77
00:04:06,940 --> 00:04:07,980
Easy now.
78
00:04:07,980 --> 00:04:09,500
Wagwan, rude boy.
79
00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:14,420
Donna! Gaz!
80
00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:18,020
Tim, my mate! Two pints please,
me mouth's drier than a camel's cock.
81
00:04:18,020 --> 00:04:20,020
I can manage! All right.
82
00:04:20,020 --> 00:04:21,060
Excuse me.
83
00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:23,300
Honk-honk, you twats.
Out the way, move.
84
00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:27,060
Hey! Tim. Look at you.
85
00:04:27,060 --> 00:04:29,620
At least you're still the same.
86
00:04:29,620 --> 00:04:32,340
Shimmy, shimmy, step!
87
00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:36,260
No, no, it's step, step, shimmy.
New material, darling.
88
00:04:37,900 --> 00:04:42,500
It's so good to see you guys! Look
at you, Gaz. You're doing great.
89
00:04:42,500 --> 00:04:44,380
You're like a sexy Davros!
90
00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:48,220
How's it going, Tim?
Oh, I am brilliant.
91
00:04:48,220 --> 00:04:51,940
Business is booming, I've discovered
a delightful new hand cream,
92
00:04:51,940 --> 00:04:53,300
Shimmering Cranberry.
93
00:04:54,900 --> 00:04:59,700
And to top it all off, I've
got my two happiest customers back.
94
00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:01,740
Yes, its as if everything
is going my way
95
00:05:01,740 --> 00:05:04,260
and nothing could possibly spoil it!
96
00:05:11,900 --> 00:05:13,500
What a chuffing toilet.
97
00:05:17,260 --> 00:05:21,900
Yes, I am happier than Lindsay Lohan
in a room full of booze and penises.
98
00:05:25,900 --> 00:05:27,820
Excuse me one moment.
99
00:05:27,820 --> 00:05:29,740
Did you just tread on my shoe?
100
00:05:29,740 --> 00:05:31,980
Did you just look at my shoe?
101
00:05:31,980 --> 00:05:34,820
Did you just fail to acknowledge
102
00:05:34,820 --> 00:05:35,980
or looked at my shoe?
103
00:05:35,980 --> 00:05:38,820
I'm going to batter you,
ya willy! Oi!
104
00:05:38,820 --> 00:05:40,620
You leave Arthur alone!
105
00:05:40,620 --> 00:05:43,220
I can do what I like, gut mouth.
It's a free country.
106
00:05:43,220 --> 00:05:46,020
I thought I told you I never
wanted to see you round here,
107
00:05:46,020 --> 00:05:48,700
so why don't you make
like a banana and piss off!
108
00:05:49,940 --> 00:05:51,780
You can't tell me what to do,
109
00:05:51,780 --> 00:05:53,940
you're just some stuck-up
little diva
110
00:05:53,940 --> 00:05:55,540
whose ego's bigger than his tits!
111
00:05:55,540 --> 00:05:57,100
And that's saying something!
112
00:05:59,140 --> 00:06:02,340
She's a bit of a gobby cow,
isn't she?
113
00:06:02,340 --> 00:06:04,460
Hey, don't talk about
my sister like that!
114
00:06:04,460 --> 00:06:06,620
What, wait? Your sister?
115
00:06:06,620 --> 00:06:08,740
Yes, this is Cassie.
116
00:06:08,740 --> 00:06:13,580
Like sassy, or brassy,
or evil pain in the assy.
117
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,100
Oh, my God!
118
00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:19,900
Are you a cripple?
119
00:06:21,540 --> 00:06:25,540
Don't call him that!
He's my boyfriend. Ew.
120
00:06:25,540 --> 00:06:29,140
Are you like, totally,
a disabled groupie?
121
00:06:30,620 --> 00:06:32,580
Do you hang around in, like,
122
00:06:32,580 --> 00:06:35,260
wheelchair places trying
to get knobbed?
123
00:06:35,260 --> 00:06:38,100
Straight out of a Jane Austen novel,
isn't she?
124
00:06:40,860 --> 00:06:42,500
Why are you even here?
125
00:06:42,500 --> 00:06:45,300
I thought you had another
year in that Young Offenders.
126
00:06:45,300 --> 00:06:47,180
I got let out early
for good behaviour.
127
00:06:47,180 --> 00:06:49,900
Didn't set fire to anything
for nearly a whole fortnight.
128
00:06:49,900 --> 00:06:53,780
Look, Cassie, I'd love
to say it's a pleasure to see you,
129
00:06:53,780 --> 00:06:56,940
but it's more like having
a pineapple shoved up my nose!
130
00:06:56,940 --> 00:06:59,420
Why are you even here?
I'm not causing trouble.
131
00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:04,100
Well, I'm not starring in another
Crimewatch re-enactment when you do.
132
00:07:04,100 --> 00:07:06,740
I didn't even get
to meet Fiona Bruce last time.
133
00:07:10,820 --> 00:07:13,580
You all right, Tim?
You look a bit shaken up. Who, me?
134
00:07:13,580 --> 00:07:15,380
Oh, don't be ridiculouso.
135
00:07:15,380 --> 00:07:19,180
SHOUTS: Why won't you open,
you bastard?!
That's the whole point of you!
136
00:07:19,180 --> 00:07:22,340
I think maybe I should take him
upstairs and calm him down.
137
00:07:22,340 --> 00:07:24,260
What am I meant to do?
138
00:07:24,260 --> 00:07:26,900
You can make some
trendy new friends.
139
00:07:26,900 --> 00:07:28,340
Eastside(!) Come on.
140
00:07:28,340 --> 00:07:30,900
All right, love,
how do you fancy...all right, then.
141
00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:37,220
OK, you just sit down there
142
00:07:37,220 --> 00:07:40,940
and I'm going to make you a lovely
cup of lapshing-sang,
143
00:07:40,940 --> 00:07:43,380
shhh...
144
00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:44,500
Tea!
145
00:07:45,540 --> 00:07:47,540
Oh.
146
00:07:47,540 --> 00:07:49,460
So, are you OK?
147
00:07:49,460 --> 00:07:52,380
It's just seeing Cassie again.
148
00:07:52,380 --> 00:07:54,860
That girl traumatised
me through my youth.
149
00:07:54,860 --> 00:07:59,340
It's the most screwed up brother and
sister relationship since...Jedward.
150
00:08:01,260 --> 00:08:03,900
Well, you know what might
make you feel better?
151
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:07,820
Shutting up and listening to me
moan about my life! Come on.
152
00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:10,420
I thought you and Gaz
were all right? Not really.
153
00:08:10,420 --> 00:08:12,660
I thought it might be tough.
154
00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:16,460
Dealing with these changes,
but the biggest thing is I'm just...
155
00:08:16,460 --> 00:08:18,900
So shitting horny!
156
00:08:19,940 --> 00:08:21,220
CHEERING
157
00:08:21,220 --> 00:08:25,260
What? I've haven't had
proper sex in nearly a year.
158
00:08:25,260 --> 00:08:26,900
If we didn't have a power shower,
159
00:08:26,900 --> 00:08:29,820
I would've killed someone by now -
killed 'em, outright.
160
00:08:29,820 --> 00:08:31,500
HE WHIMPERS
161
00:08:31,500 --> 00:08:33,820
W-w-what's the problem?
Just shag Gaz.
162
00:08:33,820 --> 00:08:35,580
We tried.
163
00:08:35,580 --> 00:08:38,460
It didn't go very well. How so?
164
00:08:38,460 --> 00:08:40,900
There were...issues.
165
00:08:40,900 --> 00:08:42,180
In what way?
166
00:08:42,180 --> 00:08:46,140
SHOUTS: He spaffed everywhere
167
00:08:46,140 --> 00:08:48,620
Ah, I probably shouldn't
have probed.
168
00:08:50,940 --> 00:08:52,420
Neither should Gaz.
169
00:08:54,020 --> 00:08:56,860
Look, there's more to your
relationship than just sex.
170
00:08:56,860 --> 00:08:58,740
You find him funny, don't you?
171
00:08:58,740 --> 00:09:01,500
Do you know what? You're right.
172
00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:04,420
Yeah, I'm going to focus on Gaz's
hilarious antics.
173
00:09:04,420 --> 00:09:07,980
That should stop me
thinking about sex. Good idea.
174
00:09:07,980 --> 00:09:11,820
That'll take your mind off Gaz's
banging body and his meaty cock!
175
00:09:13,580 --> 00:09:14,860
You're not helping!
176
00:09:17,940 --> 00:09:20,700
Here we are! My five-a-side team.
177
00:09:20,700 --> 00:09:23,340
All right, lads,
I was going to give you a ring.
178
00:09:23,340 --> 00:09:28,260
Hey, Gaz, good to see you
back on your...wheels.
179
00:09:28,260 --> 00:09:30,740
Listen, I was hoping
to get back on the team.
180
00:09:30,740 --> 00:09:32,580
I might be up and walking again soon,
181
00:09:32,580 --> 00:09:35,580
and obviously in the meantime
I won't be able to track back,
182
00:09:35,580 --> 00:09:38,820
and I'll probably only score
when the ball deflects off my head.
183
00:09:38,820 --> 00:09:41,820
That was kind of all you did anyway.
184
00:09:41,820 --> 00:09:44,060
Exactly, stick to what
you're good at!
185
00:09:44,060 --> 00:09:46,220
Look, Gaz, the thing is,
186
00:09:46,220 --> 00:09:48,420
your place on the team's
kind of been taken.
187
00:09:48,420 --> 00:09:51,500
You what? By who?
188
00:09:51,500 --> 00:09:53,060
Hey, y'all right, babe?
189
00:09:56,420 --> 00:09:57,580
You?
190
00:09:57,580 --> 00:10:00,980
Aw, hey, look at you,
acting like nothing's changed.
191
00:10:00,980 --> 00:10:03,340
It's a beautiful thing.
192
00:10:03,340 --> 00:10:05,060
Piss off, dickhead!
193
00:10:05,060 --> 00:10:09,180
The only thing that's changed
is you've nicked my spot on the team.
194
00:10:09,180 --> 00:10:11,420
The guys said you haven't
been around much.
195
00:10:12,500 --> 00:10:13,580
I was in a coma.
196
00:10:15,180 --> 00:10:18,100
The boys said you never bothered
197
00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:20,740
I was in a coma, you scrote!
198
00:10:21,940 --> 00:10:24,420
And they said the only
time you ever scored was
199
00:10:24,420 --> 00:10:26,380
when the ball
deflected off your head.
200
00:10:27,700 --> 00:10:29,580
I can't bel...
201
00:10:29,580 --> 00:10:31,700
All right, I'll give you that one.
202
00:10:31,700 --> 00:10:33,860
But that's my team! I belong there.
203
00:10:33,860 --> 00:10:37,420
You know I said I'd
do absolutely anything for you?
204
00:10:37,420 --> 00:10:38,900
Well...
205
00:10:38,900 --> 00:10:42,100
I'll give up my spot on the team,
if that's what you want.
206
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:44,180
I don't want that!
I don't want your help.
207
00:10:44,180 --> 00:10:46,340
I don't want to be on
this stupid team anyway.
208
00:10:48,380 --> 00:10:51,980
I, er, I am still on the darts
team though, right?
209
00:10:51,980 --> 00:10:55,380
Piss off! There's nothing wrong
with my arms, look!
210
00:10:58,860 --> 00:11:00,660
Oh!
211
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:01,940
Why are you still here?
212
00:11:01,940 --> 00:11:06,100
Because it's the easiest way
to wind you up, ever. I love it!
213
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:10,100
For future reference, you wind me up
when you breathe, sister dearest.
214
00:11:12,620 --> 00:11:14,380
EXHALES
215
00:11:14,380 --> 00:11:15,820
Ugh!
216
00:11:15,820 --> 00:11:18,620
Come on, sod off back to Mum's.
217
00:11:19,740 --> 00:11:22,620
Oh, but, I'm SO tired, it's so late.
218
00:11:22,620 --> 00:11:26,100
Can I crash here tonight,
big bro, please?
219
00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:29,740
I'm not having you conducting your
satanic rituals in my living room!
220
00:11:29,740 --> 00:11:33,380
You know what this is really about?
You've never wanted me around.
221
00:11:33,380 --> 00:11:36,260
When we were little
I had no-one to play with.
222
00:11:36,260 --> 00:11:38,340
Just me and my imaginary friend -
223
00:11:38,340 --> 00:11:39,620
Chainsaw Charlie.
224
00:11:40,660 --> 00:11:44,900
Look, I'd love to hear the rich
tapestry of why you're a rotten cow,
225
00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:46,500
but you can piss off now!
226
00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:48,540
Mum'll be worried.
227
00:11:48,540 --> 00:11:49,700
Yeah, right.
228
00:11:51,220 --> 00:11:52,660
What does that mean?
229
00:11:52,660 --> 00:11:56,340
Do you know what? Don't act like you
care. You haven't changed at all.
230
00:11:56,340 --> 00:11:59,220
You're still a prissy little girl.
231
00:11:59,220 --> 00:12:03,260
No, I have changed and I'm stronger
now, you can't hurt me any more!
232
00:12:03,260 --> 00:12:04,740
Well, good for you.
233
00:12:05,980 --> 00:12:08,540
Oh, Tim, your hair's crap.
234
00:12:10,540 --> 00:12:12,700
It's just words, Tim. Just words.
235
00:12:53,620 --> 00:12:55,260
Hey there, funny guy.
236
00:12:57,580 --> 00:13:00,660
I got some of your favourite
things from the shops.
237
00:13:00,660 --> 00:13:03,140
Meat and porn and a Kinder Egg.
238
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:06,620
They're probably all different.
239
00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:09,900
I mean, I might have liked
240
00:13:09,900 --> 00:13:13,420
Well, that kind of happened
about 15 years ago.
241
00:13:13,420 --> 00:13:16,220
Why are you getting upset over
renamed chocolate bars?
242
00:13:16,220 --> 00:13:18,980
It's not just the chocolate bars.
I know.
243
00:13:18,980 --> 00:13:21,100
Opal Fruits as well!
244
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:24,460
I mean, why didn't you tell me
so much has changed around here?
245
00:13:24,460 --> 00:13:26,380
I feel like I've been asleep
for a year
246
00:13:26,380 --> 00:13:28,820
and the whole world's
just moved on without me.
247
00:13:28,820 --> 00:13:32,020
Well, that's quite a good
description of a coma, yes.
248
00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:34,860
Just so much is different,
249
00:13:34,860 --> 00:13:37,540
like Janet moving away
with Corinthian.
250
00:13:37,540 --> 00:13:40,180
Not that I'd want him
to see me like this.
251
00:13:40,180 --> 00:13:42,500
And I hate the way
people are treating me now.
252
00:13:42,500 --> 00:13:44,980
I don't want everyone
trying to help me.
253
00:13:44,980 --> 00:13:47,020
Ooooh!
254
00:13:47,020 --> 00:13:48,940
You and your japes! Ha.
255
00:13:52,100 --> 00:13:54,380
You know, things haven't
changed that much.
256
00:13:54,380 --> 00:13:57,980
You've not changed, you're still
funny. Why, cos I can do this?
257
00:13:57,980 --> 00:14:01,020
PEARL & DEAN THEME: # Pa-pa,
pa-pa, pa-pa, pa-pa, paralysed
258
00:14:01,020 --> 00:14:03,620
# Pa-pa, pa-pa, pa-pa,
I ca-a-an't walk! #
259
00:14:05,740 --> 00:14:07,940
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
260
00:14:09,060 --> 00:14:13,100
See, you still know how to make me
laugh. So come on, Gaz, come on!
261
00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:18,500
Amuse me! Give me
a giggle...make me love you.
262
00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:20,420
You what?
263
00:14:20,420 --> 00:14:23,580
I'm trying to make this
relationship work.
264
00:14:23,580 --> 00:14:26,660
If you can't make me love you,
at least make me moist!
265
00:14:27,820 --> 00:14:31,580
There's no way! I'm not going
through that humiliation again.
266
00:14:31,580 --> 00:14:34,220
I've been nil by muff
for way too long.
267
00:14:36,740 --> 00:14:39,860
And we can take it slowly,
you know, I can help you out.
268
00:14:39,860 --> 00:14:41,420
I don't want your help!
269
00:14:41,420 --> 00:14:44,540
If you're that desperate,
go shag someone else!
270
00:14:44,540 --> 00:14:45,580
Oh, don't be daft!
271
00:14:45,580 --> 00:14:48,380
I know you want to stick on a boob
tube, get down the docks
272
00:14:48,380 --> 00:14:52,340
and have some random sailor shaft you
273
00:14:52,340 --> 00:14:54,460
I hate boob tubes.
274
00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:57,260
Well, I don't care, right,
sleep with whoever you want.
275
00:14:57,260 --> 00:15:00,420
Sleep with that Scouse twat Billy
if you want. I don't care.
276
00:15:00,420 --> 00:15:03,460
I'm going down the garage,
at least that won't have changed.
277
00:15:03,460 --> 00:15:05,540
Let me... Get off!
278
00:15:05,540 --> 00:15:08,300
I don't need nobody's help,
all right. Nobody's!
279
00:15:11,940 --> 00:15:13,860
I can't get down the stairs!
280
00:15:17,340 --> 00:15:18,660
I'm a bad girlfriend.
281
00:15:19,780 --> 00:15:22,340
I should have been supporting Gaz,
282
00:15:22,340 --> 00:15:26,340
but instead I've just been some
selfish...randy monster
283
00:15:26,340 --> 00:15:28,820
who thinks of nothing except sex.
284
00:15:28,820 --> 00:15:31,100
Oh, my God, I've become Gaz.
285
00:15:32,940 --> 00:15:35,220
Hey, I feel bad too.
286
00:15:35,220 --> 00:15:37,220
I wanted to help Gaz,
not piss him off.
287
00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:39,500
I wish there was something
I could do for him.
288
00:15:39,500 --> 00:15:41,860
Well, apparently
you could shag me(!)
289
00:15:41,860 --> 00:15:43,540
Eh?
290
00:15:43,540 --> 00:15:45,460
Gaz doesn't want to
have sex any more.
291
00:15:45,460 --> 00:15:50,100
So he thinks I should find someone
else. Oh...right.
292
00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:51,220
Well, I'm up for it!
293
00:15:53,060 --> 00:15:54,100
Excuse me?
294
00:15:54,100 --> 00:15:57,460
If I do this I get to kill
two birds with one stone -
295
00:15:57,460 --> 00:15:59,060
I get to do Gaz a favour
296
00:15:59,060 --> 00:16:02,020
AND I satisfy
your sexual frustration.
297
00:16:04,700 --> 00:16:07,500
Oh, Billy.
298
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,580
Oh, Billy!
299
00:16:11,620 --> 00:16:15,180
I'm sure you'd do a fine job,
but I could never cheat on Gaz.
300
00:16:15,180 --> 00:16:18,940
I'm just going to have to get
used to a life without sex.
301
00:16:18,940 --> 00:16:20,500
Works for Anne Widdecombe.
302
00:16:23,060 --> 00:16:26,060
Although she doesn't really
have a choice in the matter.
303
00:16:27,180 --> 00:16:29,460
Another drink? Yeah.
304
00:16:35,740 --> 00:16:38,500
Frizzilla, where's
your broken boyfriend?
305
00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:40,180
Hey Donna, do you want some nuts?
306
00:16:42,540 --> 00:16:45,020
Oh, my actual God,
is that Billy McCormack?
307
00:16:45,020 --> 00:16:48,460
Do you know Billy McCormack?
Why do you know Billy McCormack?
308
00:16:48,460 --> 00:16:51,020
We're just friends.
Are you shagging him? No!
309
00:16:51,020 --> 00:16:52,980
Do you want to shag him?
310
00:16:55,660 --> 00:16:56,740
No.
311
00:16:56,740 --> 00:17:01,060
You all right, Billy?
All right, babe? Who's she?
312
00:17:01,060 --> 00:17:03,660
That's the bride of Chucky.
Cassie Claypole.
313
00:17:03,660 --> 00:17:06,540
We were at school, you sorted
guys that were bullying me.
314
00:17:06,540 --> 00:17:09,220
Well, I always like to help out
a lady in distress.
315
00:17:09,220 --> 00:17:11,020
SHE SCREAMS AND LAUGHS
316
00:17:12,780 --> 00:17:15,540
And do you remember
Jenny Edmonson's house party?
317
00:17:15,540 --> 00:17:18,340
When you were in that room,
getting it on with that girl?
318
00:17:18,340 --> 00:17:20,820
Oh, God, yeah! That was you?!
319
00:17:20,820 --> 00:17:24,340
No, I wasn't invited, so I climbed
in through the window and screamed,
320
00:17:24,340 --> 00:17:26,660
"Get your hands
off my man, you bitch!"
321
00:17:26,660 --> 00:17:28,700
Cassie, can I have a word?
322
00:17:28,700 --> 00:17:30,860
Go play on the train tracks! Now!
323
00:17:32,060 --> 00:17:33,380
Dickhead!
324
00:17:34,660 --> 00:17:36,140
She seems nice.
325
00:17:37,740 --> 00:17:39,820
I spoke to Mum today.
326
00:17:39,820 --> 00:17:40,940
How is the old tart?
327
00:17:40,940 --> 00:17:44,500
She told me she kicked you out
cos you're so disrespectful.
328
00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:45,900
That's bollocks!
329
00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:48,820
You just called her an old tart!
It's affectionate,
330
00:17:48,820 --> 00:17:50,140
you mouldy sphincter!
331
00:17:50,140 --> 00:17:53,940
So, if you've not been staying with
Mum, where've you been sleeping?
332
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:57,420
You don't care,
you'll only judge me.
333
00:17:57,420 --> 00:17:58,980
No, I won't.
334
00:17:58,980 --> 00:18:01,020
An alleyway.
335
00:18:01,020 --> 00:18:04,700
Oh! For God's sake,
you dirty little tramp!
336
00:18:04,700 --> 00:18:07,860
It's not that bad!
337
00:18:07,860 --> 00:18:11,260
I mean, a dog did piss on me,
but it kept me warm.
338
00:18:11,260 --> 00:18:14,060
Is that why you've been
hanging around?
339
00:18:14,060 --> 00:18:16,060
Hoping that you can move in here?
340
00:18:16,060 --> 00:18:19,820
Get over yourself, spunk breath.
341
00:18:19,820 --> 00:18:21,340
So can I stay?
342
00:18:21,340 --> 00:18:22,900
If I wanted vermin in my flat
343
00:18:22,900 --> 00:18:25,740
I'd invite round the cast
of The Only Way Is Essex.
344
00:18:28,620 --> 00:18:31,020
Fine, I'll go back to the alleyway.
345
00:18:31,020 --> 00:18:33,900
And the next time you see me will
be on the 10 o'clock news,
346
00:18:33,900 --> 00:18:38,300
"Young, sexy girl found
dead...covered in dog's piss."
347
00:18:39,340 --> 00:18:43,980
Wait, maybe I can help you find
somewhere to stay.
348
00:18:43,980 --> 00:18:47,140
No, no, no! I'll find
somewhere myself.
349
00:18:47,140 --> 00:18:49,180
You still think I'm
a silly little girl,
350
00:18:49,180 --> 00:18:52,940
but I'm mature now, I'm different.
I wouldn't want to stay here anyway.
351
00:18:52,940 --> 00:18:54,660
It smells like poo!
352
00:18:54,660 --> 00:18:55,940
And you!
353
00:18:55,940 --> 00:18:58,260
And you smell like poo, too.
354
00:18:58,260 --> 00:18:59,820
Meh, pah!
355
00:19:03,420 --> 00:19:05,940
OK, my little beaut.
356
00:19:05,940 --> 00:19:07,820
Quick oil change, fan belt,
357
00:19:07,820 --> 00:19:10,420
and we'll have you
back on your feet in no time.
358
00:19:10,420 --> 00:19:11,900
Let's have a look here.
359
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:14,140
HE GRUNTS
360
00:19:14,140 --> 00:19:15,740
Are you taking the piss?
361
00:19:15,740 --> 00:19:19,060
You're not the only one
on wheels now, you know.
362
00:19:19,060 --> 00:19:21,660
Ha-ha-ha! Who's the daddy!
363
00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:22,980
OK.
364
00:19:27,780 --> 00:19:29,220
HE GRUNTS
365
00:19:31,740 --> 00:19:36,060
Right, then,
let's have a look at you.
366
00:19:36,060 --> 00:19:37,420
Come on.
367
00:19:37,420 --> 00:19:38,460
Ah!
368
00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:41,220
Little bastard!
369
00:19:41,220 --> 00:19:42,420
Ugh!
370
00:19:42,420 --> 00:19:45,580
It's all right, it's all right,
I can do this. I can, I can do it.
371
00:19:45,580 --> 00:19:47,820
I don't need any help.
372
00:19:49,420 --> 00:19:51,940
Help!
373
00:19:51,940 --> 00:19:54,580
Help, hello! Anyone?
374
00:19:54,580 --> 00:19:57,380
Help! Oh, Thank you.
375
00:19:57,380 --> 00:19:59,820
Cheers, mate, thanks.
376
00:20:01,820 --> 00:20:03,460
You all right, babe?
377
00:20:03,460 --> 00:20:04,820
Oh, God.
378
00:20:04,820 --> 00:20:07,140
How you getting on, our Gaz?
379
00:20:07,140 --> 00:20:09,140
I'm not your Gaz, and I'm fine,
thanks.
380
00:20:09,140 --> 00:20:11,060
You don't really look it.
381
00:20:11,060 --> 00:20:13,700
I don't like to assume,
but being in a wheelchair,
382
00:20:13,700 --> 00:20:16,700
you're not really enjoying it,
are you?
383
00:20:16,700 --> 00:20:19,300
Oh, no, no,
I'm having a pissing ball!
384
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:21,500
I don't want to be
in a wheelchair, do I?
385
00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:24,500
I want to look after myself,
but I can't. I feel so helpless.
386
00:20:24,500 --> 00:20:26,660
So, let people help you.
387
00:20:26,660 --> 00:20:29,180
I heard you were struggling
to shag Donna.
388
00:20:30,820 --> 00:20:34,100
Well, I am totally up for giving
389
00:20:36,780 --> 00:20:37,820
Are you serious?
390
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,580
It was your idea.
391
00:20:39,580 --> 00:20:40,980
I didn't mean it!
392
00:20:40,980 --> 00:20:44,460
Only as a favour, like.
I'd try not to enjoy myself...
393
00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:48,780
..but I would make sure
she had a good couple of orgasms.
394
00:20:50,220 --> 00:20:53,900
I'm just caring like that,
I want to help out.
395
00:20:56,980 --> 00:20:59,260
Yeah, there's a way you could
help me, Billy.
396
00:20:59,260 --> 00:21:02,580
Just have a quick look at that engine
for us? Yeah, course I can.
397
00:21:02,580 --> 00:21:03,820
What am I looking at?
398
00:21:03,820 --> 00:21:05,740
You'll see.
399
00:21:08,460 --> 00:21:10,980
Twat. Gaz? Gaz!
400
00:21:13,220 --> 00:21:15,420
So, who looks like
a complete moron now?
401
00:21:15,420 --> 00:21:17,740
Dappy from N-Dubz?
402
00:21:17,740 --> 00:21:19,820
No, you, you complete moron.
403
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:23,180
I've found somewhere to live,
I told you I didn't need you.
404
00:21:23,180 --> 00:21:25,180
I'm going to stay with Billy.
405
00:21:25,180 --> 00:21:28,340
I haven't told him, but I know
he'll help a damsel in distress.
406
00:21:28,340 --> 00:21:30,580
Or a dirty emo skank.
407
00:21:32,820 --> 00:21:33,860
Hi, Billy.
408
00:21:33,860 --> 00:21:36,540
Hi, erm...
Can I come live with you?
409
00:21:36,540 --> 00:21:38,460
What? I don't even know you.
410
00:21:38,460 --> 00:21:40,460
What better way to get to know
someone
411
00:21:40,460 --> 00:21:43,380
than inviting them into your home?
And bed, and mouth.
412
00:21:43,380 --> 00:21:46,340
Look, I'm sure you're a really,
really, nice girl,
413
00:21:46,340 --> 00:21:48,620
but I don't think you're my type.
414
00:21:48,620 --> 00:21:50,060
Oh.
415
00:21:50,060 --> 00:21:52,500
I mean, I'm sure there's
loads of people
416
00:21:52,500 --> 00:21:55,300
who like the whole
zombie-tramp look. Yeah.
417
00:21:55,300 --> 00:21:58,700
Whatever...not bothered, really.
418
00:22:00,140 --> 00:22:04,060
Excuse me, I just need
to...adjust my nipple rings.
419
00:22:04,060 --> 00:22:06,380
Oh, Donna. You look, um...
420
00:22:06,380 --> 00:22:07,540
Frumpy?
421
00:22:07,540 --> 00:22:11,140
Well, I was going to say "sexless,"
but frumpy, that works.
422
00:22:11,140 --> 00:22:14,460
Good...because that's
what I am now.
423
00:22:14,460 --> 00:22:17,140
No more sex for me.
424
00:22:17,140 --> 00:22:18,780
It's probably for the best,
425
00:22:18,780 --> 00:22:22,020
cos Gaz did not like our plan
for me to shag you at ALL.
426
00:22:24,980 --> 00:22:28,420
What? You told him about that?
Should I not have?
427
00:22:28,420 --> 00:22:32,220
Billy, it's never going to happen!
428
00:22:32,220 --> 00:22:35,620
Despite your trim physique, lantern
jaw and that fold in your jeans
429
00:22:35,620 --> 00:22:38,260
that might just be the fabric,
but even then... Hello!
430
00:22:40,540 --> 00:22:41,940
So what you saying?
431
00:22:41,940 --> 00:22:43,900
I love Gaz.
432
00:22:43,900 --> 00:22:46,940
Maybe he's not funny and I can't
433
00:22:48,020 --> 00:22:50,260
And I never should've
treated him this way.
434
00:22:50,260 --> 00:22:52,740
Oh, come here, you.
435
00:22:54,700 --> 00:22:58,180
So, I'm not your type and that
walking poodle-perm is?!
436
00:22:58,180 --> 00:23:00,420
You slag bitch!
437
00:23:01,460 --> 00:23:03,540
Oh! Cassie, what you doing?!
438
00:23:03,540 --> 00:23:05,900
This knob-nicker's stealing my man!
439
00:23:09,660 --> 00:23:10,740
Billy!
440
00:23:10,740 --> 00:23:14,500
I'm all right, go find Gaz.
And tell him you love him.
441
00:23:16,620 --> 00:23:18,460
Oh, Billy, are you all right?
442
00:23:18,460 --> 00:23:23,740
HIGH-PITCHED: I think you might have
443
00:23:27,260 --> 00:23:28,660
All right. Hello.
444
00:23:30,380 --> 00:23:31,900
How did you get in?
445
00:23:33,540 --> 00:23:35,900
I ordered a double pepperoni
and a piggyback.
446
00:23:38,220 --> 00:23:41,780
Listen, I know I said
you can shag someone else,
447
00:23:41,780 --> 00:23:44,500
but I don't want
it to be that Billy. OK.
448
00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:48,100
Or anyone who's hotter,
or younger, or cooler than me.
449
00:23:48,100 --> 00:23:50,060
Right, basically you can shag Arthur.
450
00:23:51,020 --> 00:23:53,180
I don't need to shag anyone.
451
00:23:53,180 --> 00:23:54,780
I'm sorry.
452
00:23:56,380 --> 00:23:58,340
I know you don't want me this way.
453
00:23:59,620 --> 00:24:04,020
I mean, you only liked me because
I was good in bed, I know that.
454
00:24:04,020 --> 00:24:06,260
I love you
because you're Gaz Wilkinson.
455
00:24:06,260 --> 00:24:07,740
I should've known that all along.
456
00:24:07,740 --> 00:24:09,940
I don't care that you're
in that wheelchair!
457
00:24:09,940 --> 00:24:12,660
Well, I do!
Then let me help you!
458
00:24:14,020 --> 00:24:16,100
I know things have been tough,
459
00:24:16,100 --> 00:24:18,420
but we can deal with
the changes together.
460
00:24:18,420 --> 00:24:22,300
And I will be here all the way,
461
00:24:22,300 --> 00:24:24,820
because I love you.
462
00:24:24,820 --> 00:24:26,700
I love you too. Then...
463
00:24:26,700 --> 00:24:28,100
Come here.
464
00:24:36,420 --> 00:24:38,140
Gaz?
465
00:24:38,140 --> 00:24:40,100
Yeah?
466
00:24:40,100 --> 00:24:44,260
Have you got a massive hard-on?
467
00:24:44,260 --> 00:24:45,300
Yeah.
468
00:24:46,540 --> 00:24:50,340
It's just all this emotional stuff,
it got the blood pumping.
469
00:24:50,340 --> 00:24:54,940
Listen, you know how you said
we don't have to do the sex stuff,
470
00:24:54,940 --> 00:24:57,860
I really want to shag you now.
Uh-wa-wa-wa-wa!
471
00:24:57,860 --> 00:25:00,500
I'm helping you out, remember.
472
00:25:00,500 --> 00:25:01,940
In what way?
473
00:25:01,940 --> 00:25:04,100
The things I'm going to do to you.
474
00:25:04,100 --> 00:25:06,140
SHE BREATHES EXCITEDLY
475
00:25:09,660 --> 00:25:13,420
Typical Cassie, causing chaos!
I've a good mind to call the police.
476
00:25:13,420 --> 00:25:14,860
No, please, Tim.
477
00:25:14,860 --> 00:25:16,500
I can't go back inside.
478
00:25:16,500 --> 00:25:19,740
Oh, come on, Tim.
Can't you just give her a chance?
479
00:25:19,740 --> 00:25:22,300
She's had more chances
than Ashley Cole.
480
00:25:22,300 --> 00:25:24,140
All she's done is brought me trouble
481
00:25:24,140 --> 00:25:26,220
and she's never even tried
to apologise!
482
00:25:26,220 --> 00:25:29,900
Well, I am sorry, all right?
For all the things I've done to you.
483
00:25:29,900 --> 00:25:33,660
And that's supposed
to make it all OK?
484
00:25:33,660 --> 00:25:35,700
Forget it, I'll go. Hang on!
485
00:25:36,820 --> 00:25:38,620
What about the damage downstairs?
486
00:25:38,620 --> 00:25:40,420
Oh, I'll heal in a week or two.
487
00:25:42,380 --> 00:25:45,780
I meant the damage to the bar. Oh.
488
00:25:45,780 --> 00:25:48,300
You can work here to pay it off.
489
00:25:48,300 --> 00:25:49,460
You what?
490
00:25:49,460 --> 00:25:52,380
And if you're doing that,
you might as well live here.
491
00:25:52,380 --> 00:25:54,580
You're SERIOUS? Oh, Tim!
492
00:25:54,580 --> 00:25:57,700
I mean, yeah, whatever.
493
00:25:57,700 --> 00:26:01,460
This is beautiful,
it's bringing a tear to my eye.
494
00:26:02,580 --> 00:26:04,900
Though that might be me
bruised bell-end.
495
00:26:09,340 --> 00:26:12,420
Don't worry, Donna,
496
00:26:12,420 --> 00:26:15,300
it happens to every woman
at some point.
497
00:26:15,300 --> 00:26:19,780
What, that they pull out more
moves than an Olympic gymnast,
498
00:26:19,780 --> 00:26:22,060
ride you like a rodeo star
499
00:26:22,060 --> 00:26:26,140
and give you the best sex
of your entire life?
500
00:26:26,140 --> 00:26:30,220
Aye, that's the one.
501
00:26:30,220 --> 00:26:32,500
You know what?
I feel so much better.
502
00:26:33,540 --> 00:26:36,300
It's like a massive weight's
been lifted off my chuff.
503
00:26:42,180 --> 00:26:44,300
It was great.
504
00:26:44,300 --> 00:26:47,780
You know,
maybe change isn't so bad.
505
00:26:48,900 --> 00:26:52,020
All I had to do was lie there
and let you do all the work!
506
00:26:55,140 --> 00:26:59,060
That's what I'm going
to do from now on.
507
00:26:59,060 --> 00:27:01,380
In bed? No, no, ALL the time.
508
00:27:03,540 --> 00:27:06,820
Well, I'll do whatever
makes life easy for you.
509
00:27:06,820 --> 00:27:08,580
Because I love you.
510
00:27:08,580 --> 00:27:10,100
Ah, I'm so lucky!
511
00:27:13,060 --> 00:27:15,220
Right, then.
512
00:27:15,220 --> 00:27:17,020
Go on, scratch me balls.
513
00:27:18,420 --> 00:27:19,460
All right.
514
00:27:25,580 --> 00:27:27,660
I need a job so I don't have
to look after Gaz,
515
00:27:27,660 --> 00:27:29,220
but I can't leave him on his own.
516
00:27:29,220 --> 00:27:31,540
Well, just, just go and sign on.
No!
517
00:27:31,540 --> 00:27:33,460
Well, why don't you ask Billy?
518
00:27:33,460 --> 00:27:37,140
I mean, he's so caring it makes
my labia piercing tingle.
519
00:27:37,140 --> 00:27:42,740
You're nothing like what I asked for.
You don't have a Brazilian. Do you?
520
00:27:42,740 --> 00:27:45,260
Billy flirts with everyone but me.
521
00:27:45,260 --> 00:27:49,460
I could give you a makeover!
You could see my Gok!
522
00:27:49,460 --> 00:27:52,980
Jesus, Donna! Your flat's on fire!
I know! And Gaz is still in there!
523
00:28:10,580 --> 00:28:13,620
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
524
00:28:13,620 --> 00:28:16,660
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
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