Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

Looking for a job? Yeah.

Sheep shearer. It's a brave bloke who tackles those bleating, fleecy bastards.

Can you see yourself living here?

THEY SCREECH

It's such a great noise, isn't it?

What?

Biscuit factory.

Trainee required for stock controls and quality regulation.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I'd like to put an offer in for the house.

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakeys. #

# Near, far

# Wherever you are

# Do, di, da, do, di, do

# Do, da, di, da, do. #

Johnny! Come on, you'll be late for your interview.

# Got my lovely crunchy biscuits

# I ain't dunkin' no girl like a biscuit

# I ain't going to change So don't try to twist it. #

Are you excited? Hell, yeah!

You'll get this biscuit factory job, Johnny, I know it.

Guess what. I've got a job interview too, I'm going to be a pub singer.

A pub singer, like Lesley Garrett?

Come on, better get a move on to get to Stockport in time.

Oh, meant to ask, where exactly is Stockport?

You don't know? Absolutely no idea.

By your mum's? It's the other side of Manchester, Johnny. Oh.

Oh! Well, I best get a move on then, love you. You too.

Oh, Janet. Yes Jonny?

Where exactly is Manchester?

I can't believe you put an offer in without telling me.

What, you angry? No, just didn't realise you could use a phone for any longer than "pub, aye, bye".

Well, I did it for you Donna.

I realise that. I love you for it.

Well, what about...?

You know...them.

Well, it's your dream house, I'll just have to get over it. I know, it's perfect. But I can't have...

Baa!

Jesus, shit!

See, I can't have that.

I've never thought of Liverpool as a style mecca before, you know, because of all the Scousers.

But your job as a stylist to the stars of Hollyoaks

And I'd just love to style you. You're just gorgeous.

Could you perhaps be more specific?

I've massaged the egos of the entire cast of Bread. You should be a Ken Doddle.

Oh, Mick, you're just perfect, aren't you?

Well...yeah.

Louise, I want you to come with me to Liverpool tonight.

I want to introduce you to...

Les Dennis!

Oh!

Oh, but I wanted you to meet my friends tonight.

To show them how to worship me, correctly. Ah!

Ow! Les Dennis!

Ah, my friends. Ah, Les.

Ah, friends. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Such a great noise, isn't it?

Can I take these out now?

Can't wait to see the place again.

Come on then, come on, come on!

What the hell is that? It's

I made it at the garage.

No!

I'll take it to the dump.

Do you know what? I wish Stig was a real boy.

OK, let's practise our Knowsley voices.

POSH VOICES: I'm Gary.

And I'm Donna.

No, Donna and Gaz sound a bit Runcorn, we need Knowsley names.

I'm Keith, huh.

And I too am Keith, huh.

Shall we check out the local schools?

What for? Oh, to know where the lollipop man'll be. OK, let's go.

You going to be OK? With the lollipop man?

Yeah, I'm big enough these days to fend off his advances.

No, with the...baa!

Will you stop doing that?!

Actually, I've made a decision.

When we live there, I'll never ever venture outside alone, look through

Well, sheep can't ring doorbells.

Of course they can't, no, they get the goats to do that!

Yeeeeaaaah!

Come on, what's the matter with you?

They're out there, Donna.

Don't be stupid, they can't hurt you.

I can feel them.

Near.

They're were all around us like death.

I see dead sheep.

Gaz, you're embarrassing me, just try and make it to the house and you'll be safe then.

Cover me.

They're not here, you're just hearing things.

Oh!

BAA!

Gaz!

# ..My heart and...

# And my heart will go on and on... #

Oh, yes it will!

Can I take these out yet?

So, what did you think?

I loved it. You completely shat on Jane McDonald.

Oh, thank you.

It's a life on the ocean wave for you m'hearty. A cruise ship? Mm.

When I saw the advert, I thought I'd be doing karaoke round here.

What and waste that talent? No, lady, I'll make you a star

amongst the widows and diabetic community whom Speedy Cruise target.

Oh, I've got a baby. Where?

He's with his gran but I brought the basket to give you a clue.

I see. You've nothing to worry about. All Speedy Cruise ships

staffed by fully qualified spinsters.

So, um, which cruise ship do you think I'd be most suited to?

You'd be in Egypt or the Maldives.

I'll send the details in a couple of days.

No, but Egypt, that's nowhere near Runcorn.

And the mull dives, what is a mull dive?

You'll see when you get there.

There's not a chance I'd let one like you go.

Mwah! Mwah!

It's the opportunity of a lifetime.

Is it? Hmm. It is, isn't it?

Oh, OK, I'll do it. I'll do it!

I'm going to Maldivia!

Good, you noisy knob.

SHEEP BLEAT

Gaz!

Help!

I can't, Donna, you're knee-deep...

in sheep.

# Near, far

# Wherever you are

# La, bi, blah, blah, blah

# Blah, blah, blah. #

Umm, scary. Louise, darling,

I'm having a party tonight to celebrate.

I'm going to be a superstar, amongst widows and diabetics.

Oh, like Michael Parkinson.

No, darling, I'm the queen of the high seas.

Janet Keogh, voice of brine.

Step, step, shimmy.

Johnny's had his job interview, so he's got news.

Donna and Gaz have a new house, so they've got news.

And you're...you're here so I thought I'd invite you.

Do come, we're having kebab.

I have news.

I have a new boyfriend.

Oh, Louise, darling, that's fabulous.

I can't wait to meet him and sing to him.

Ladies and diabetics, here for your listening pleasure, Janet Keogh.

No, that's a bit unshowbiz.

Janet...no.

Jannetta Kiora!

Mick's a stylist to the stars...

of Hollyoaks!

Oh, please don't be mental, lovey.

Stylist indeed. I'm telling the truth, he IS a stylist,

and he's going to make ME a star. Although not of Hollyoaks.

Those people are so generic, darling. That's what Mick says.

Well, Louise, I can't wait to meet your made-up boyfriend.

Oh look, here he is now.

Hello, love.

Mwah! Mwah!

Pleasant to meet you.

Gaz! Please, I can't escape.

I can't, there's too many of them.

Try anything Gaz, please!

When did throwing a pasty ever work?

It's all I had.

God, look! It's working, they're moving towards the pasty.

They're leaving, I can come and get you.

Baa!

But you've got to come, they think you don't exist.

They think I'm mental.

OK, just for a bit, though. After that, I'm off.

Instead of going to some dive in Norway, I could be at the Century FM

Oh, Mick, take me to Liverpool.

A faraway dream that always seemed so out of reach.

It's 17 minutes away on the train.

Just out of reach.

Or half an hour on the bus.

An impossible dream! Take me, Mick.

Seriously, Mick, just take the squeaky twat.

Gaz!

There's just too many of them. They've got the power.

Help me, I never realised before.

Look at the eyes.

The eyes!

# Bringing in the sheep

# Bringing in the sheep

# What do we do before we sleep?

# We bring in all the sheep. #

Please, Gaz, please!

Gaz!

It's shepherding time.

# Near, far

# And noo-loo-le-la... #

God, I wish I knew the lyrics.

# You've got what it takes

# You bring the Dodgers

Jonny! How did it go?

It's safe to say you're looking at a man

Brilliant, I knew you'd do it. How was the train?

What, there as a train there?

I was hitch-hiking.

I was nearly a trucker's bitch.

Johnny, I've got something important I need to talk to you about.

Is it about the singing job?

Why, yes, my beautiful singing voice has finally been recognised.

Well, that's brilliant. Is it? It is, isn't it?

Yeah, I'm dead happy for you. Oh!

Bit of live music's

You singing, me drinking.

Like Sonny and Cher.

Johnny, there's more to it than that.

What? More than just pub singing?

Are you incorporating magic tricks into your act,

like the one way you make a whole penis disappear?

Johnny, we've been through this, that's not a trick,

that's called deep throat.

So what is it then?

It's, it's...

It's... It's five o'clock.

If you'll excuse me, I'm a career girl now, I'll be in a bar downtown

BAA!

Quick Gaz! Do something, they're becoming feral!

FUCK THE SHEEP!

MUSIC: "Theme from Gone With The Wind"

Oh Gaz, they were...

They were...

I know, Donna.

They were, weren't they?

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, Janet, Janet.

I've had some exciting news, bigger than the time I saw Bob Monkhouse

Pretended not to know me, big kidder.

Oh, exciting news? Really? Well, would you like to stay for my party? I could easily split my kebab.

There's no time, I've come to tell you a ship needs a singer, sails from Plymouth to Mauritius tomorrow.

Janet, Speedy Cruise needs you on that ship. Tomorrow?

the singer's gone down with gout. I haven't told Jonny yet.

It's for a month. After that, who knows? Say yes, Janet.

But... You're going to be huge, Janet.

I don't mean fat huge, I mean Ruth Madoc huge.

Bitch won't take my calls. So, what do you say?

I'm going to be huge? Yeah.

I am, aren't I? Yeah. Oh, shit!

OK, OK, I'll do it. I'll do it.

Yes! And when you are, don't forget your old mate Tommy.

Who's Tommy? And so it begins!

I'll get a move on before Nice and Cruisey get wind of you.

OK. Good girl. Goodbye.

It's just for a couple of hours.

Just until they've seen you and are sufficiently impressed.

Then we can set off for Liverpool.

Across the water, beyond the bridge, the realm of impossible hope and unattainable happiness.

It's just there!

I know, but it seems so far when I've been stuck in Runcorn so long.

You see, big fishes and little pond.

You're exceptional here.

I am, aren't I?

I can't wait to show Liverpool how great I am.

I always knew I was destined to be big.

Do you think it will be instant success or a slow build of deserved fame?

It took me six years to be Anthony H Wilson's sweat blotter on North West Tonight.

But I'm not even showbiz.

Despite my ego.

Oh, and don't open that gob of yours or you'll get me thrown out of the big pond.

My gob is my tool! I can't be a little fish.

I'm a big fish.

I'm Flipper.

Yeah, you are, what with Flipper not even being a fish. Ah!

Don't do that. The McCartneys will set Heather on you. Eh!

You can't squeak at the launch of Atomic Kitten's new fragrance. Ah!

They won't put up with it. Ah! Ah!

Ahhhhh! You've gone ultrasonic, Louise, I can't...

Aaahhhhhh!

Louise, what the hell was that noise? Corinthian went cross-eyed.

Oh, you know, just me being mental.

Mental old Louise.

Oh, come here.

All right, Kelly? What?

All right, Gaddafi.

Oh, it's a long and fleecy story.

So, how did your job interview go? Yeah, I nailed it.

You know, the first 15 seconds anyone meets you gives an impression that lasts a lifetime.

What did you do? Well, I fell over.

But they seemed to like my style.

How did you manage to fall over?

I didn't manage to, it wasn't a challenge I'd set myself.

I happened to. I occasioned on the falling.

It was an incident of trippery that no-one could have foresaw.

Within 15 seconds of meeting them? Yeah, first impressions count.

And clowns do it.

Clowns don't work in factories?

Yeah, I was a bit disappointed in that too.

So you walked in and fell over?

Yep. So, how in any way, shape or form do you think you nailed it?

Well, after I'd got up and asked for a hanky to stem the bleeding...

You were bleeding? Only from my face, what do you think I am?

So, what happened?

Well, we began the interview proper.

They asked me why I wanted the job, all the usual stuff. Yeah.

And I answered eloquently and succinctly.

I want this job because I believe I would be a valuable asset to the company, all that bollocks. Yeah.

Then they asked me not to say bollocks in the interview.

Wait.

So...you fell over, bled, and swore.

How in God's name do you think you nailed this job?

Well, as I was leaving, the fella that was there, I'd not noticed him

cos I'd been staring at the female one's tits.

Right.

I suddenly realised

he liked the cut of my jib.

Job nailed.

Oh, well. You with your new job,

Hey, you will come and stay, won't you?

Face it, Gaz, it's not going to happen, is it?

You'll get in with all your poncey new Knowsley mates and forget all about me.

Hey, I won't do that.

Come on! Geoff... with his turbo-diesel.

Frank with his pet horse.

I can't compete with that.

I always wanted a friend called Geoff.

I think we all have to face it...

We're all moving on.

This is the end of it all, Gaz.

We're not going to see each other any more.

Yeah, you're right,

You are right.

Do you know, I don't think I...

Er...God!

So, er..

when do you start your job?

Probably next week. I'll find out later.

Yeah, that'll be me, eh, nine to five.

Monday to Friday.

48 weeks a year.

Less bank holidays.

Proper job.

A proper...

Yeah, I don't think I want...

Pint? Yeah. Pint.

Two pints, please.

You know, er...

..I'm proud of you, man.

You know, I'm proud of you for being brave enough to leave.

Yeah.

Leaving Runcorn.

Getting a job.

It's the end of an era, man.

Yeah.

To be sure.

I don't want to move to Knowsley! I don't want to work!

So, er, how's the new house?

I hate it, it's full of wool.

What? I thought you loved it. You were beginning your new life. I was beginning mine, you can't back out.

I can't live there. I don't know how to tell Gaz. He loves that place.

PHONE RINGS

Hello. No, he's not, sorry, can I take a message?

What? Why not?

What was wrong with the cut of his jib exactly?

Hello.

God, that was the biscuit factory.

Jonny didn't get the job. Oh, no!

He's going to be so disappointed.

God, Louise, don't suppose you're moving on, are you?

Oh, bugger off!

Oh, bugger off. Who was that?

My pretend boyfriend.

He's a stylist.

Course he is, mental old Louise.

Janet, I... Donna, I... Gaz, I... Jonny, I...

Oh, no-one says "Louise, I..." That's just bloody typical.

Gaz, I'm sorry to do this to you, but I can't move to Knowsley, it's...

Baa. I can't live in that house!

But, how could you? I was looking forward to...

You've a lot of making up to do, young lady, I hope you're prepared

..and forwards.

And wiggle about a bit.

Gaz?

I can't stand that shit-hole either.

Jonny, the biscuit factory phoned. Oh, no.

You didn't get it.

Oh, yes!

What? Well, you know, Gaz and Donna aren't moving

and I'm not getting a job, and Louise is still mental.

It just seems right to keep things the way they are. Oh, I...

Shall I get that? No. No, I'll get it.

Hello.

# Every night in my dreams

# I see you

# I feel you... #

It's me that got you shot. Gaz!

Janet!

I had to tell Jonny about me and Janet sleeping together.

I know what happened.

If we don't make it through this...

I want you to stay and forgive me and Gaz.

I'm having a baby. Janet's having your baby.

Oh, my shit.

I am so turned on.

Take me, right here, right now.

Janet, will you marry me? Oh, my God!

Have you seen Johnny? This is the best ever!

Have you seen Janet? You can't throw everything away like that.

Bang on the cab, the driver could hear you.

I said cab.

Cheese! Get your box out.

Coo-eee!

How does a baby's head come out of something so small?

Small. You think a lot of yourself!

If I don't pull through, raise her as if she was your own.

NO!

Jesus Christ!

Forgive them, Lord.

Slap. Get Johnny.

I love you.

And that's my...

my family.

I'll see you in an hour.