Original subtitles

After Eights for breakfast?

I never tell you this, but I really do love you very, very much.

Where's the toast?

How dare you twist my baby.

Too late, he's mine. You can't undo it.

Changed his little nappy.

See that's where the true magic of fatherhood is to be found.

Have you ever seen anything so amazing in your whole life?

It's a nappy full of pooh. Not just

This programme contains some strong language.

# Hey, Mr Bartender, get me a drink

# I wanna cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please!

# And a pack of flakeys! #

BABY CRIES

Oh, pull yourselves together, the pair of you.

We can't.

This is supposed be a joyous time.

Who ever heard of anyone getting depressed after giving birth?

Go and see the doctor.

SHE CRIES

DOOR CLOSES

Gaz, why are all the lights on?

You know, it's because of the...

Ow!

Yeah, it's because that happens.

This place is a death trap. I want our own place together.

This is our own place together, it's not that bad.

I'll be at the estate agents.

What?

Sorry, girls.

Arthur, get back down in the cellar.

I've not finished with you yet.

Milkman. No.

Driver.

No.

Piano for sale.

I could be a piano for sale.

Are you looking for a job? Yep. Finally found the motivation to start looking.

Strangely, it was around the same time Janet found a little thing

Hey, are the property pages in there? Yeah.

There you go. Cheers.

What you doing?

Oi, I could have used them.

What for?

Improving my reading age.

Chucklevision has absolutely no educational value any more,

unless you count learning how to look like a paedophile.

I've got to hide all evidence of property from Donna. What, she wants to move? Yeah, but I just ...

I don't want to give up the flat.

There's so many memories.

So many mammaries.

Health care? Not with my hygiene.

Sewerage worker.

Not with my hygiene.

Sheep shearer. Sheep shearer.

It's a brilliant bloke who tackles those fleecing bastards.

Ugh! Mmmmm-ugh!

Kelly, the lager's gone bad again.

Yeah. I've had Arthur over a barrel in the cellar all morning.

He has a weak bladder.

SHE CRIES

PHONE BEEPS

Ah, l-o-l.

He's so urbane!

Who? Oh, nobody you know. Just the man I'm completely in love with.

Shoo, shoo!

This is useless. We've looked at every house in our price bracket in Runcorn and they're all spew.

Who cares when my life is over? This one sounds good.

Charming, extremely well built and large.

Oh, that's the personals.

Why would a man describe himself as cottagey?

I have so many hormones and they all hate me.

And I'm so unattractive.

Jonny says he'll love me no matter what,

but he won't put up with these huge milky breasts forever.

I think you underestimate him.

PHONE BEEPS

SHE SIGHS

It feels like all the awful things in the world have disappeared.

Marmite, famine, the Bedingfields.

They just don't exist to me any more.

But who is he? I'll have you know,

I've got to go too.

I've got to go and see this one.

And with any luck this time, AMC might actually mean all mod cons, rather than a madman's craphole.

No, no, you can't leave me.

If you leave I'll cry. You already are, you're always crying. I can't help it, I'm postnatal.

And lactational.

And a little bit hungry.

Mmm-ugh, mmm-ugh!

Mmmm-mm-mmuh! What?

Mmm-mm-ugh, Janet!

Mmm-mm-ugh!

Gaz! Gaz, I have found it. I've found the perfect place for us.

No. No?

No.

No doubt about it, Easter is smashing.

I'm booking us an appointment.

I'm busy that day.

I haven't told you when it is.

Yeah, but I'm usually a very busy man, I have a lot of hobbies.

Looking into falconry.

Gaz, I've a good feeling about

What about...?

So many memories.

Gaz, what are you doing? Eh? Why do you keep stroking things?

It's just... I'll miss this place, I don't want to move.

Come off it, look, just imagine us with an Aga, some cats on it.

I'm not eating cats.

And your slippers by the open fire, and me sorting through

the bills at the oak table before throwing them onto the open fire.

It'll be brilliant. No, it wouldn't.

And you with your own pool table.

Where do I sign? I'll book an appointment now.

We can get Sky, I can't wait

There's just one tiny thing that worries me about them. Yeah. Well, it's not in Runcorn.

What? Hello. Yes.

I'm calling about the property.

Yes, it's Donna Henshaw.

I think I am going to miss you most of all.

Mmm-ugh, ugh! Mmm-ugh, ugh!

Mmm-ugh, ugh! Mmm-ugh, ugh! Mmm-ugh, ugh!

Mmm-ugh, ugh! Mmm-ugh, ugh! Mmm-mmm-ugh, ugh! Mmm-ugh!

Jonny, you've been doing that for four hours, please.

Do you want me to call the doctor? No. Just... Just read!

The jobs. Oh, great.

So you're moving on too.

I'm just going to be stuck here like the big stretch mark on the stomach of a big Janet.

Biscuit.

Biscuit. You want a biscuit?

We'd all like a biscuit Jonny, but some of us are too sad to have a biscuit.

Read, read. What?

Biscuit factory.

Trainee required for stock control, supervision of orders and quality regulation. Oh, my God.

Me job, Jonny job.

Jonny! This job's in Stockport, you live in Runcorn.

It's calling to me, Janet.

Like a siren.

Nee-nor-nee-nor-nee-nor!

It will be useless even applying.

We'd have to move, and we can't afford it. And I'm so rubbish and you're so stupid and my life's over.

And yadda, yadda, yadda.

Jonny! Look, it just feels like everything's changing and I've been left behind.

Donna and Gaz are moving to their own place. Louise has a new phone.

It's just like I'm going to be stuck here in this room, just someone's mum. Whose?

Corinthian's!

Oh, him.

Just feels like I'll be trapped here, being your trophy wife. You're not a trophy wife.

Really? You don't have the breeding.

SHE CRIES

Oh, no, no, Janet. Look.

What were your ambitions?

Before you began to stagnate.

My ambitions? Yeah. Anything

as long as the answer isn't yet more bloody crying.

There is one thing. Something that I've always wanted. Go on.

Well, I've always wanted to go to...

Please say Stockport.

No.

I've always wanted to go to the Gobi desert.

Why?

I just have. It sounds cool.

Gobi.

Well, we can't do that. Try something closer to home.

Well, fine then, Jonny, I've always wanted to sit here in this room watching boring telly,

making egg butties for my husband and being a milk machine to a baby

who frankly takes after some

Fine, if you want moving on with your life, I'll find something I'm good at.

Then you'll see. That's the spirit.

And did I hear someone mention an egg butty?

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, you.

Sorry, is this seat taken? I think it's fairly obvious that it is.

OK.

Fe-reak.

Louise! I found the perfect place. Me and Gaz will be in

Excuse me, Donna, can't you see I'm on a date?

Oh, oh, well done, I'll get out your way.

Not with that fe-reak.

My phone.

Louise, what's going on? I think it's fairly obvious

If you can't handle it, then, you're just jealous. So, how did you two meet?

Oh, we love this story.

I'll tell her.

Well, I bought him from a shop.

Then when I charged him there was a message, "someone fancies you.

"To find out who, send 'love' to 83199."

Et voila, perfect pocket-sized polyphonic partner.

Well, that's just a con. And it's a phone.

And he's got a gorgeous singing voice.

CRAZY FROG TUNE

TUNE CONTINUES

TUNE ENDS

Ah!

Hello?

Ooh, look at this place, wow.

I know. A candle.

I can tell by your biscuity aroma that you have seduction on your mind.

Why, yes. Beginning with an intimate dinner for two. For starters, we have a beer a la can.

That's a can of lager to you and me.

For mains we have croque monsieur oeuf.

That's eggy butty to you and me. Tres chic.

Followed by dodgy a la jam.

That's jammy dodgers.

I know. I feel like saying tra and la, and la again! I'm so happy.

Is it cos you found a gorgeous new house? That's what's made me happy.

Look. "Rustic charm at affordable price."

No, it's not buying a new house.

It's having another baby.

Donna, I'm going to get pregnant, again.

How could I leave you, bed?

We've had so much fun together.

Remember that dream you had about a crow?

So many memories.

Hey, and all the women I've done on you.

Donna and...

God! I thought I was more experienced than that.

Hey, I'm so sorry I didn't get you any more dampness. One more for the road, eh?

Gaz! Hello?

Kelly, you can't barge into someone's house.

What a disappointment.

So, when you moving out?

I'm not moving out.

Yeah, you are. Donna said.

I thought if you were moving out, I could take this place over.

You get to keep your name on the tenancy,

Sex isn't a hobby. Yeah, it is.

It's like stamp-collecting.

I get to lick stuff.

It's like knitting, cos I have to use needles.

And it's like train spotting cos I can wear a cagoule.

So you'll send me a form?

Great. Yeah, it Keogh. Easy to remember, Ke with an ogh on the end.

OK, thank you, bye.

Oh-hoh-hoh!

Egg butties.

Would I be right in thinking you're up for a bit of the old,

can't think of a euphemism, so I'll say shag?

Why, yes, and for afters we have jammy dodgers.

Which means extra energy for the old, can't think of a euphemism, so I'll say sperm,

a word you probably don't want to hear just before eating undercooked eggs, sorry.

No, but I will make it up to you.

# Doopy-doopy-doo

# Doppy-doopy-doo. #

Woah-hoh!

Oh, my perfect scenario.

A slutty butty. I'll get the condoms!

No, no, no.

I want to ride bareback.

SHE SINGS THEME TUNE TO BLACK BEAUTY

# Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh!

# Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh-duh... #

I miss slutty old Janet. You don't want to be taking the morning after pill, not if you're breast-feeding.

Well, then you can just pull out.

Yeah, like that's going to happen.

Then, we'll take our chances.

And if I do get pregnant, Corinthian gets a little playmate and I get my role in life - mummy.

What's going on? Are you trying to get pregnant again?

Well, I don't seem to be good at much else, do I?

I've got no job, no friends any more.

At least this one would definitely be yours.

Oh, shit.

Right. Great, marvellous.

Frigging superlative. Ow! Jonny, I didn't mean...

Janet, just don't. This isn't easy

No, but I know what I've been thinking. I've been thinking about how big Gaz's knob is.

And if his sperm's better than mine.

And if Corinthian's going to grow up and realises he loves Uncle Bastard Gaz better than me.

That's why I'm trying to be better. That's why I need this stupid interview in stupid Stockport, OK?

OK. But his knob was much too massive, and yours is nice and dinky.

Last thing I need to hear.

Jonny, I'll support this interview thing and I won't get pregnant.

And Corinthian loves you, he's yours.

Probably not is the thing though, isn't it?

Probably not.

Jonny. I've been postnatal, I've not thought. I didn't even care how you were feeling.

I don't want to talk about this ever again, OK? Why not?

I don't see why you don't hate me? I'd kick me in the tits if I was sure a Milky Bar wouldn't come flying out.

Why don't you hate Gaz? Why don't you hate us all? I don't know. He makes it easier.

And I don't?

No, you don't.

Look this postnatal thing, Janet, I can't stand it.

I'll go to the doctor, OK? I'll get fixed.

I'm sorry.

Are you wearing eau d'dodger?

Yeah. Do you mind if I cry a little while I'm shagging you?

No, not at all, as long as I can do Black Beauty.

HE WHINNIES

I didn't think I'd like it this far out of Runcorn but it's perfect. This is our first proper house.

I told you you'd like it. So

I can honestly see me and you building up a proper life here,

you know, making little garden, or getting some chickens or horses.

ECHOING: Ba-a-a-a!

Her name's Louise, she's completely frigid.

Myself, I'm an open book,

one that needs colouring in, if you get my drift.

In Crayola. Eh? eh?

Not in the slightest.

Fe-reak.

PHONE BEEPS "The credit on your account is low."

You tell me such interesting things.

Ah, I think you'll find that wasn't your property, dear.

And yes I do mean "dear",

sarcastically.

Erm, I think you'll find you're a mental little fe-reak, gorgeous.

And I meant gorgeous...genuinely.

Really? No, you're a fe-reak.

Jesus!

Gaz, I'm so happy you love it. You've no idea how worried I was

Yeah, I've gone off that place. Let's stay here. Eh?

What? But this was supposed be our new life.

You loved that place, our place,

Yeah, but I want to stay here now. I love this place. It's mine.

You know, it spells Gaz.

Because you write your name on things. Including me.

I don't see why you won't give the place up.

You've never given up anything for me? I'll give up anything you want. OK, smoking.

Gaz, I gave up smoking when Janet was pregnant. Haven't you noticed

Exactly, exactly.

You give up smoking, so the least I can do is give up the flat.

Bollocks! How many times do you want to lose me, Gaz? I don't, I don't at all.

Why do you want to live here all of a sudden, when today, you really loved that place, you really did.

I saw you eyeing that cubby hole in the bedroom.

That's where I would have kept my porn.

And you asked the owner if he'd be leaving the fridge. That's

So what changed? Donna, look, when we went outside,

Christ woman, didn't you see 'em? They were everywhere.

Who? The sheep.

Hundreds of them.

Hundreds? Well one, but you know what I'm like about 'em.

Please, can we look for somewhere else?

I did see it, come to think.

I just forgot how scared of them you were.

Their little dot tails, their bleating cries and their fluffy...

Please. Please make it stop.

It's OK, Gaz, we'll move somewhere

HE GASPS

Sheep!

Sorry, I thought I saw one at the window.

Give my phone his drink back.

Erm, na.

You nasty, nasty man. I like your shoes.

You nasty, nasty man with a fabulous eye for accessories.

Give my phone his drink back.

I'm Mickey. Don't care. Fe-reak.

A glass of the blue horrid stuff for the lady. One anti-freeze coming up.

You know, Nicola...

from the Girls Aloud, has those exact same shoes.

Oh, been reading Heat! have we?

Well, I know your type. You're...

Well, you're like me - that's where I first saw the shoes.

I don't read about the stars, I dress 'em.

You're a stylist? Who do you dress?

Anyone who passes through Liverpool . Brookie stars,

You can get free clothes?

Not just for anyone. Only for the rich and famous.

And the Hollyoaks stars.

Oh, come to Mama! No, I don't think so. You're beyond hope.

I mean you're wearing Primark.

My darkest secret! Well, I'm not going to talk to you any more, you use your powers for evil.

But, ah! We were getting along really well, ah!

SHE SQUEAKS

Ah! You started it.

THEY SQUEAK AT EACH OTHER

It's such a great noise, isn't it?

Ah-ah!

Yes, and as a former employer and referee,

I would highly recommend Jonny Keogh for the job.

He has been a passionate aficionado of biscuits for many a year.

Although here at Janet Corps, we prefer to call them dunkers.

Oh, you've heard it.

Yes, we're marvellous, aren't we? Yes. OK, well, good day. Kisses.

Do you think they'll know I'm lying? With my home number being

No, not a chance.

Are you only saying that because you think I'll get mad and bring

Yeah, pretty much.

And that I'll use it to blackmail you into bum love again?

Yeah, pretty much.

You know, what you did with Gaz, Janet, it hurts.

Oh, stop, Jonny, it hurts me too.

Not as much as the bum love, but it still hurts.

Well, I'm getting a job, so I can support us. That'll make it easier.

Yes, and I'll get this postnatal thing sorted.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Yes, this is he.

Well, that's very astute of you.

I believe you've made a meretricious decision.

Good day to you, sir.

Mm, yah, yah.

Mmm-ugh, mm-ugh! Mmm-ugh, mm-ugh! What? Jonny - interview.

Jonny - biscuit!

You still want to live with me?

Of course. Good, because I still want to live with you.

Even if it is in this godforsaken hellhole.

Thanks again, you know.

Yeah, it's OK, Gaz.

Come 'ere.

HE SIGHS

Come on, you can do this. You can do this, come on.

OK.

Oh, God.

Ugh!

OK. OK.

Baaaaaa!

Come on! Come on, man, you can do this.

Come on.

You can do this. Come on.

All right.

# Old MacDonald had a farm

# Ee-eye-ee-eye-oh

# And on that farm, he had some...

# (Ooh) ..sheep

# Ee-eye-ee-eye-oh With a ba... #

Hello, yeah, this is Gary Wilkinson.

Yeah, I'd like to put an offer in for the full asking price on the house we viewed yesterday.

I want you to come with me to Liverpool tonight. You're going to get this job Jonny, I know it.

I have a job interview today too.

Welcome to Speedy Cruise, it's a life on the ocean wave for you m'hearty.

Aaaaargh!

I need to talk to you.

You with you job, me with my house. You will come and stay?

It's not going to happen, is it?

This is the end of it all, Gaz.