Original subtitles

I'm a mother now with motherly responsibilities. He smiled at me.

The only thing that matters in the whole... Beer!

Oh, baba, baba, baba!

BURPS

Janet, he smiled at me! You bucket-headed bitch!

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# But that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakies. #

Garibaldi.

Gari...baldi.

Jonny, what are you doing? I'm teaching my boy to talk.

Garibaldi.

He's three weeks old. If you say Garibaldi now, it'll be very frightening.

I'll start him on something English.

Bourbon.

Oh, shit, that's French!

Don't swear at him. I might as well.

He's taking it in. He won't say anything for a year. A year?

He's a baby! All he can do is grasp, distinguish shapes and be startled.

Startled, you say? Don't do it. I'm just saying!

Janet, I love Corinthian very much.

He's the greatest, most magical thing that's happened to me, but...

What? He's a bit boring, isn't he? Jonny! He's not what I expected from the nappy adverts.

I expected him to chuckle and talk like Hugh Laurie.

Don't believe adverts. Irn Bru isn't made from girders and Red Bull doesn't give you wings.

And kids won't do anything for a Dairylea triangle.

As you discovered when you tried to join Blazin' Squad!

I thought I could teach him a few tricks.

Don't be silly. Says you who feeds him milk from your breasts!

That's not a trick, Jonny. We've been through this. Leave him alone.

BABY WHIMPERS

Ohhhh!

God, even that didn't work!

Here we are, madame - your full continental breakfast.

Tres bien.

The continent in question being Asia.

With a particular emphasis on the Madras region of India. Eugh!

We've had curry for breakfast.

I can't remember when we last had a curry together.

I can. It was before we split up. I knew you'd be back to finish it!

We all keep souvenirs. You kept your mum's HRT tablets.

It was the only feminine thing she left me. And her Union Jack merkin!

I'm a man. I don't really cook.

You don't really talk and you don't really listen. I do.

You do what?

What you just said.

I said you don't LISTEN. You should try listening to ME. OK, great.

Did you hear that?

No.

It was a bit of a quiet one.

Gaz! You're disgusting. I'm going!

Don't leave me again. I'll do anything!

Going out, Gaz. I'm not

That's fantastic.

Or maybe I AM leaving you.

What? Maybe I'll find someone who knows how to treat women.

I treat women all the time.

What? I'm not even out of bed and you've nearly given me botulism!

Yeah, sorry. Stay there. I'll make you a breakfast you won't believe.

Then we can have a proper talk about our relationship.

We don't need one of those! I'll leave you!

All right, we can have a talk, whatever you want.

Could be on to something here.

Oh!

Agh! No umbrella!

Agh! Oh!

I can't dial 999 again.

Stop! Just please stop raining!

Oh!

Thank you very much...

DISTANT RUMBLE

Jonny, the kitchen window's wide open.

Oh, yeah, that was me. I was dangling the baby out.

What? I was going to, then I thought

You know, like Michael Jackson?

When dealing with young children, he's not your best role model.

I'm just trying to jazz him up a bit. No need. I know how to make him the most exciting baby in town.

Set him on fire!

We'll get him christened.

Everyone does that. It's dull.

Tough! Donna and Gaz are gonna be the godparents.

But it's boring. Unless... Can we get him christened Jewish?

No! Go on, I'm Jewish. I just never mentioned it.

You are not Jewish. I am...already!

If you were Jewish, you wouldn't celebrate Christmas or hold three marbles under your foreskin!

Racist!

Madame, may I say how very beautiful you look this morning? Merci.

After Eights for breakfast?

Only the best for my princess. Where's the toast?

To Donna... a very special little lady.

Gaz, what are you doing?

I'm doing what you asked. I didn't ask you to turn into Nigel Havers.

Do you want the new Gaz or not? I want some emotional sensitivity.

I don't even know what that is!

It means listening and talking and being honest about emotions.

Eugh!

How did you feel when we split up?

I felt...bad.

OK.

And when we got back together?

I felt...

Good.

Good, yeah. It's quite intense, innit?

I need more, Gaz. I need you to open up. I need you to articulate

I can't! I might go and find someone

No, no. But if you open up, we could try that thing you suggested last night.

That thing you saw in that documentary about eels.

Oh, yeah. You can do it, Gaz!

As a man, I feel that to win your approval,

I must project an image of strength and invulnerability,

thus my masculinity threatens to undermine itself.

Hey? Go on, budge up, then!

Hello!

Janet! I need to talk to you.

'Ah, good morning, Louise.'

Hello. 'Please, do take a seat.

'The parents will be with you shortly.

'Terribly unpredictable weather we've been having.

'These might be the first signs of global warming.'

Jonny, I don't know what you're doing, but I'm sure this counts as child abuse.

Are you in the pub?

I never thought of that! These will transmit as far as the pub?

This family is clearly in need of spiritual guidance.

You what? Spiritual guidance. I had a religious experience

I asked God to stop the rain and He did. Right.

He allows war and famine, but he doesn't want you

Sorry, Louise. You're too late to save this little soul.

Look what I found!

The mark of the beast!

You've drawn 666 on my baby's head? I hope that's not permanent ink!

That's how I found him.

If you can't look after him, leave him alone.

OK, fine. I'm going out. But don't blame me when he grows up as boring as you!

Forgive them, Lord, for they know not what they do.

You see? There are some benefits

It's fantastic. Yep.

Just letting you take control and not having to think what to do next.

I needed less blood for my brains and there was more for... I noticed.

For my cock. Yes. I had you in the palm of my hand. Aye, you did.

You've still got some there, look.

So, tell me what to do next.

Next, you shall get up. OK.

But be sensitive about it.

That's not sensitively, that's gingerly.

That's ballet. Bollocks!

It's not just that God stopped the rain for me. There's all kinds of evidence for his existence.

The Chloe spaghetti strap dress.

The Fendi baguette bag. Hmm, baguettes!

God has created a bounty for us.

Hmm, Bountys!

Yeah, go ahead and mock! No, I'm not mocking you, Louise.

It's great you've found God. I didn't think you believed in Him.

I believe there's something out there more powerful than me.

There are tadpoles more powerful than you!

That's not a very Christian thing to say. I'm new.

I must be a bit religious because I'm getting Corinthian christened.

Wonderful! I'd be honoured if you'd ask me to be the godmother, absolutely honoured.

Oh, thank you. You're welcome.

But I'm not going to. What? You

Well, I was gonna ask... Not Donna! She's a godless heathen!

She lives in sin, she uses foul language

and she worships the devil.

That's all true, but I'm still gonna ask her.

All right? Hiya. Is Jonny about?

He went for a walk. A walk? What

He went to reflect on nature, muse on the enormity of the world and see if there was owt tasty in the skips.

Bloody hell! Muse on nature! Donna wants me to do that kind of poofy gaylording!

Donna wants you to be sensitive? Yeah. Ha!

What's "ha"? You're the least sensitive man in the world.

You're thick-skinned, thick-headed and thick. That's not true.

I cried when Shaun Wright-Phillips got injured. It was his little face.

Why can't you apply those emotions to your relationship with Donna? No, football's real!

I found a simple cure. I don't need to explore my emotions when I've got these. What are they?

Flo's oestrogen tablets for HRT.

Instant sensitivity. It's woman in a bottle!

See you in a bit.

Come on, little Corinthian. Let's see what Daddy's built for you.

Is it a skateboard ramp?

Yes, it is a skateboard ramp.

Does Corinthian want to go on the skateboard ramp? Jonny!

What are you doing? It's obvious.

You can't do that. You haven't got the planks lined up properly.

That's not Corinthian. It's a doll.

I'm hardly gonna test a skateboard ramp with my own child!

I'd love to be godmother. She's not religious! I am. I'm a Catholic.

You don't go to church. But I feel guilty about it!

I'm guilty. The magistrate said so. Louise, this is my decision. Donna's one of my oldest friends.

And she has childcare experience

He's easy to manipulate.

I just threaten to leave. Scares the shit out of him!

Makes him behave... Complete emotional castration!

Anyway, I'd love to be godmother.

Well, I'm not so sure now.

Why not? You sounded a bit evil.

Lou, you might be in with a chance.

Good. And the godparents get custody after your untimely deaths.

Donna would be rubbish. She'd like mourn or something.

I'd make it fun. Corinthian would soon forget about you.

Yeah, you might be in with a chance as long as you keep your mouth shut!

Maybe if we strap some rockets on, we can get it to jump further.

Do you know that's an adorable cot?

Did you just say, "That's an adorable cot"?

Oh, my God, I did! These pills must be working.

The usual? No.

No, I think I'm in the mood for a refreshing glass of Pimms.

My God, those pills must be

I feel less competitive with an overriding need to discuss issues.

Issues? We don't discuss issues. We talk about important bloke stuff.

I'll talk about tits wi' you! Capital! Great, aren't they?

I'm thinking about what's coming out of Natasha Kaplinsky's mouth,

rather than what I could stick into Natasha Kaplinsky's mouth.

It's like I wanna improve myself. I might do a night course.

You can learn to speak English as a foreign language.

How do you do that? Only one way

Thanks. That means a lot.

Jonny, I never tell you this, but I love you very, very much.

Thank you. By which I mean, thank you for never telling me!

Louise would be a crap godmother. She doesn't even like children.

That's not the point. I'd renounce Satan and bring it up according to the ways of the church.

What church? The church!

Of God.

Janet, she doesn't even know what religion she is!

Donna, Donna, I'm not part of one of your organised religions.

I don't agree with praying, going to church and doing good deeds.

And christenings. Apart from christenings. I agree with them.

I see. Make your mind up. Which one of us are you having?

I don't know. It's so difficult. You both seem so wrong.

I can't imagine what Jonny's going through!

By the way, will you be godfather? Yeah, all right. Cool.

Gaz, what do you think of Corinthian?

Who?

The baby, Gaz. My son.

Oh, yeah. Do you think he's...? Yours? Definitely, no doubt.

Yeah, I know he's mine. Do you think he's a bit boring?

Yeah, like I say, he's definitely yours.

Gaz, I thought you were being sensitive. Oh, yeah, sorry.

The thing is, Jonny...

All babies are boring in a way. There are no interesting babies.

Well, there's... Baby Spice, yeah.

Right, and, um... Babybel.

Yeah, and there's... Muppet Babies.

Yeah, and, uh...

What? Nothing. I was just seeing how long you could keep going.

But at the same time, all babies are the most beautiful and exciting people on earth

because of the love they have to give

and the bond that exists between a newborn child and his doting father.

You know, you feed him and bathe him

and change his little nappy.

That's where the true magic of fatherhood is to be found.

Who are you

Over here, Corinthian. Smile at your Auntie Lou. Look at me!

There! Do you see that? It definitely smiled at me!

IT smiled at you?

It? It's not an "it". It's a "she".

"He", actually.

Is it? This is ridiculous! Janet, you've got to choose me!

Why can't people just do as they're told? Her thinking that the world

BABY CRIES

And you not even asking your best mate if I can be godmother!

Stop there! I don't think you can be Corinthian's godmother. Ha!

Why not? Because you've gone mad!

And Louise, well, she's also mad, but at least she believes in God.

I see. Well, if that's the way you want to play it, I'm leaving.

OK. I mean it. I'll find someone who knows how to treat women!

FRONT DOOR OPENS

Hiya. You've decided to come back

Yeah, I had a long talk with Gaz about parental responsibility

What? No matter how boring the baby might be, at least he's not as boring as Gaz!

Gaz - there's someone who doesn't mess me around. I'll go and talk to him!

That's nice from someone you've asked to be godmother!

I've asked Louise instead because she believes in God.

Actually, I don't.

What? Well,

I think... I think I am He.

And again - what?

Think about it. I ask God to stop the rain and it stops.

I ask Him to make me the godmother and it happens.

Is it coincidence that I'm the most beautiful creature in the northwest

You can't be God. You're too much of a squeaky twat!

Nobody's perfect, Janet. Even Jesus had vices.

Did he? Yeah, when he needed them. He was a carpenter.

Right, that's it. The christening is off.

It can't be off. It's not a real baby till it's christened.

I don't care. If me and Jonny die, he can take his chances in the wild

and be raised by wolves.

There are no wolves around here.

Or wasps.

My son shall be raised by wasps.

Is that a new top? What?

You should wear blue more often. It brings out the colour in your eyes.

You're wasting your time trying to chat me up. I know.

If you want a good shagging, get on the bar!

Why are you so fixated on sex? Is it a mask for some deeper loneliness?

No. I think you're toying with yourself.

I'll have to if you don't get up on the bar.

We're going! No, I'm going through

I think she's using her sexuality as a barrier between herself and the world. I'm not. I wanna go home.

I can't be there for both of you. I need some space. Gaz, come home!

I couldn't relax knowing Kelly hadn't resolved this. Now, Gaz!

Oh, now?

Gaz?

Gaz, are you crying?

SOBS

I just don't see why you always have to shout at me!

But you've got to have a christening, Janet.

It makes sense to wait till Corinthian's older, so he can help with the buffet.

Well, it's your decision.

It's best a child be received into the church as early as possible,

but we must respect the choice of the parents.

I name you Corinthian Louise Keogh. May God bless you and protect you

Louise! How dare you christen my baby!

Too late. You can't undo it.

Aagh!

Maybe it's not so bad being boring.

At least you aren't clinically insane like Uncle Gaz.

Or clinically squeaky like Auntie Louise.

I just wish you could do one exciting thing.

Like whistle or play the banjo or ski.

But you can't. All you can do is lie there and...

WHIMPERS

Janet! Janet!

What's the matter? Have you ever seen anything so amazing in your whole life?

It's a nappy full of poo.

Not just any poo, Janet. Bright green poo!

Bright green!

All babies do... What?

Nothing. You're right.

He is the most talented baby the world has ever seen.

He is, isn't he? I might cancel his bungee-jumping session now.

Thank God for that! You're welcome.

Gaz?

It's been three hours. Please stop weeping!

I can't. It's my time of the month.

Just stop taking my dead mother's oestrogen tablets.

It's what you wanted. Can you get me some chocolate? No!

You don't understand me.

I understand that you've got so much female hormone in your body

Are you calling me fat? No!

If you stop crying, I'll let you watch the Chuck Norris collection.

He's a misogynist! You can drink all

It'll just go straight on my hips.

I'll let you bum-love me.

I'll get the lube.

Aaagh! Aaagh!

Ow!

# Na-na-na-na-na-na! #

# Nee-naw, nee-naw! # Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh!

Shoo, shoo!

SOBBING