Original subtitles

Jesus Christ!

I love you.

Where is he?

He's in here in the cot.

Where does this leave us? Do these curtains draw round? I'm on it.

Corinthian McVitie Keown. Our son.

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakeys. #

Who's got the best little toesy-woesies in the world?

Corinthian has. Hi, Janet. Yes, he has. You have, yes.

Janet! I'd not bother. What is wrong with her?

I'll try Donna then.

And who has got the best little cheesy-wheesy kneesies?

Corinthian has.

Janet, exactly where on the body are the cheesy-wheesy kneesies located?

Jonny, as you well know, it's a medical fact that

are located between the thighsy-whysy piesies

and the shinny-whinny Albert Finneys.

I wish you could hear yourself.

Baby-talk sounds so stupid.

Doesn't it, little Corinthian?

Yes, it does.

Yes, it does.

See, it's catching.

And who has got the best

Who's the pretty one? Who's the pretty one?

Mummy could just vomit with love, couldn't she?

Yes, if her stitchy-witches wouldn't bursty-wursty.

Janet, I think it's great you're so in love with him.

I am, too, but why don't you give ME any attention anymore?

I thought I'd be the one bursting your stitchy-witches.

Because he's my first baby.

I'm bound to be clingy...

wingy.

I just don't want to miss anything. The book says he could smile any day now. I absolutely can't miss that.

Did I miss it, Baba? Who has got the best little toesy...

Jonny!

Donna...?

That's it, bite it. Bite it.

This has been amazing. You're confident, smart, sophisticated, clever.

Yeah, yeah. I'll see you at three for another bang in the cellar.

Unless my 2.55 overruns.

I can't wait. And bring your own condom.

Mine is getting darned.

Hello.

What's going on?

My life seems to have fallen apart.

It's funny.

And sad, like Granddad's funeral.

I don't understand.

I'm not fat or spotty,

or you.

Why am I so unpopular?

Why are you so unpopular?

I just can't imagine.

I go around and see Janet, right, and just because she has this baby she claims to have given birth to...

she's got no time for me. Selfish bitch.

And then I go round and see Donna and she's...

doing unmentionable yogic poses balanced on Gaz.

Lucky bitch!

You don't need mates. In fact, you don't really need anyone.

Oh, so you're saying that I'm unpopular because I don't have a boyfriend.

I didn't say anything like that.

Yes, but with the likes of you

It's inevitably more interesting.

Oh. OK. Well...

blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Yeah, it is a lovely brooch, isn't it?

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Ah, you think if I get myself a boyfriend like Donna has and

Blah blah blah.

You're absolutely right.

I can get myself a fella.

In fact, I'm going to get myself...

..your fella.

Go for it, I've got plenty of spares. Albert!

Show Auntie Donna-wonna- ronna-Des-O'Connor your trick. Yes.

Watch this, Donna. It's amazing.

He's drooling.

That's not a trick. Turning a nappy into a flock of doves, that's a trick. Whose baby did that?

Nobody's, I was just...

Do you want to hold him? He smells.

In a good way.

Hold him, erm, no thanks.

What is the matter with you? Everyone likes babies.

Don't they, Corinthian? Yes.

Well, it's just that...

I'm a career bitch, frankly.

Babies, no!

..a-boo!...A-boo!

You're not even listening to me.

Yes. For God's sakes.

I just don't want to miss anything, Don.

Like the funny snuffly sound he makes when he breathes out.

Or the little sniffly sound when he breathes in.

Have you ever thought about cleaning his nose?

And his first smile is coming up soon.

I can't miss that. Don't you understand?

I understand that my best mate has turned into a baby bore.

A baby... How dare you?!

14 hours of labour. The miracle of life.

A chuff like a wizard's sleeve.

You're just jealous. Jealous?

Yes, because your life is empty, because all you've got are stupid buckets.

Stupid?!

Buckets!

How dare you?! Next time you want to wash Corinthian's sick off the floor,

ask where you'd be without a stupid bucket.

You'd be up bucket creek without a bucket paddle.

Who's the biggest twatty-watty in the world? Donna is, yes, she is.

Thank God you're here. I'm getting absolutely no attention at home. It's a nightmare.

Gaz...

Gaz! I heard you.

It's easy to get attention from women. Try this!

Over here! Ladies! Hello.

I had to run from the cellar, hence my musty odour.

It was a false alarm, Kelly, sorry.

That's OK. It's like a fire drill, best to be prepared.

No, I mean, Janet prefers the baby to me.

It's like when he blew a big snot bubble out of his nose,

Then, when I did an even bigger one, she told me it was disgusting.

Such cruel hypocrisy.

But you're coping all right - he's a good lad and that?

Oh, God, yeah, I love him so much

All 23 pence.

What, are you skint?

I've got absolutely no money whatsoever.

Babies cost a fortune, don't they?

I proposed that we recycle the nappies but Janet vetoed the idea before I could begin the scraping.

Well, I can give you money.

No, mate, no.

I couldn't accept money... How much are we talking about?

How much do you need?

I mean, he's my... Your what?

He's my very best friend, it's the least I can do.

I couldn't accept £200 from you, though.

£200!

It's my final offer.

Fine, I'll give you £200, so long as you tell Corinthian it's from me.

Yes, like I can get a word in edgeways. It's all bababa this

Like living with Gareth Gates.

Well, if she's obsessed with the baby, try being like a baby.

Do what babies do. Women need to nurture.

Yes, you're right. I'm going to go in there, throw my hand up and go,

Here I am.

Hello, gorgeous.

You love it, don't you!

Oi! Get off! This is new. Everything you own is new.

I know, look what I just bought.

They cost me a bit, but I'm

Bling bling, bling bling. Ooh, nice!

I'm glad we're in the money, cos Jonny's skint.

I said I'd give him £200 for the baby. Do you reckon that's enough?

£200?

Give him enough?

Are you just randomly repeating what I just said?

Repeating randomly said?

We can afford it, you're Runcorn's biggest bucket seller.

If you want to give that baby money, use your own funds.

I've not got any funds.

Well, I could sell one of my livers.

Don't be stupid, you've only got one liver.

When did that happen?

You only get one. Two kidneys, one liver, that's the deal.

One of my kidneys then.

You'd sell a kidney for Corinthian?

You're so selfish. What if I fancied it?

Oh, I get it, you just hate babies.

Donna Henshaw - hates babies, loves buckets.

I don't hate babies, I just don't like that one.

Because you can't fill him with soapy water and wiggle a mop in him.

It could be yours, Gaz, because Janet's son could be your son

and every time I think about it, it turns me up inside.

You're not giving Jonny any of OUR money for THAT baby.

Donna.

Bollocks.

Oh! Two bollocks.

What a clever boy, do it again for Mummy.

What a clever boy.

Janet? Not now, Jonny, I'm watching Corinthian blink.

Janet? Look at me.

Look how floppy my head is.

I'm dribbling.

Jonny! How could you make fun of that nice Stephen Hawking.

That's so horrible.

I'm not, I'm being a baby.

Since that's your new hobby.

Jonny, why are you doing this?

Because I'm lonely, Janet.

The more you neglect me,

Goo-goo ga-ga etc.

This is so pathetic.

They said about baby envy at antenatal.

Poor chicken bunny, come here.

That's better. Have you been neglectedy-wecktedy?

Don't do the voice, Janet.

Look, I promise we'll do something together soon.

He could smile any day now, I don't want to miss anything.

You're not missing anything right now.

How are your stitchy-witches coming along?

I think they might be just about...

BABY SNEEZES

What was that noise? It was me.

It came from the cot.

No, it didn't. I did it, see.

Atchoo.

I'm practising my ventriloquism.

Jonny, you made me miss his first sneeze.

BABY SNEEZES

And a second.

There'll be more. I'll grind some pepper in his face and make him do it again.

Please don't leave me like this.

I'm vaguely aroused.

That was so...

painful.

The secret's in the Tabasco.

Now bugger off you, I've got an appointment with a married man in five.

They're the best, the guilt makes them cry.

Hi. Hi.

Bye. Wait, where are you going?

Chemist. I've had a Tabasco-related incident with Kelly and I'm in dire need of E45 cream.

Look boy, what do you see in her?

I don't know, it's like

I can do not needy.

I don't need you, watch.

See?

Why isn't he interested? What's wrong with me? Maybe you're ugly.

Half a lager please, Kelly.

No, I'm treating myself today, I'll have a pint...

of champagne and your most expensive crisps.

Nice bracelet. It's new.

Nice bag. It's new.

Nice jacket.

It's new. Are you following the pattern yet?

I bet Janet's grateful for all the handouts you'll be giving her, what with the baby.

Yeuch! That baby! Gaz thinks we should help her out.

He thinks you should help out your best friend with their newborn baby?

Golly, what hare-brained scheme will he think of next?

Where's the big smiley-wily for mummy-scrummy-wummy?

Where is it? Where is it?

Where the bloody hell is it?

Please smile for me, Corinthian.

Janet? I want you to know that I've developed an illness through your wilful neglect.

That's right, nappy rash.

I hope you're satisfied.

Jonny, that's one of my best towels.

Not anymore it isn't.

It's rather snug and I've been squatting.

That is sick, Jonny.

I didn't complain when you dressed as a nurse.

This is revolting.

I can't even bear to look at you.

Fair enough, do you feel you want to nurture me...

in bed?

No. That's the sickest thing I've ever seen.

I'm taking Corinthian away from you.

You perv!

Fine. I'll be in the Archer.

Janet, I may need changing.

I'm going to get him a new cot, a new pram, a pile of baby-grows

He'll be the classiest baby in Runcorn.

Listen Jonny, about the money. And, I'm going to get big Dave to tattoo "Janet" on his arse.

That'll surprise Janet next time she changes him.

I can't give you any money, Jonny. I'm sorry.

You what? Why? Because Donna thinks Corinthian is my...my...microscopic.

He's a foot long.

Donna thinks your son is Satan.

Well, fair point, Gaz.

But even Satan needs bootees.

Burberry bootees.

Look, it's not much, but here's £20.

Don't insult me.

How am I going to get Janet's attention now?

There must be something I can do better than him.

I can grasp, he can't. Ha!

I shall impress Janet with my powers of graspinosity.

Well, Janet does enjoy a good grasp.

I could drink.

Babies can't drink alcohol.

I'll take Janet out and get her bladdered. The baby can stay home.

On his own? He'll be all right for one night.

No, Jonny, me and Donna will look after him.

Gaz, you're an imbecile and Donna hates him.

8 o'clock okay?

Janet, I need your help.

There's only one person in the world that I'm interested in helping.

Would I be right in thinking that's me?

No.

Come on, Janet, you can spare five minutes.

I'm lonely, I don't have any friends.

Get a hobby then.

I can't. You and Donna were my hobby.

I used to observe your ways and log them in my pocket book.

Monday, Janet cooked a pie.

Tuesday, Janet cooked a pie.

Wednesday, Janet continued with her pie-related behaviour.

Louise, we've got our own lives to lead now.

Why don't you get yourself a boyfriend?

I can't.

The man I'm interested in only wants Kelly.

How can I compete with a walking vagina?

Just do what she does.

I've tried. I was unattainable and elusive.

Then he escaped just like all my other my pets.

Incidentally, how does a kitten escape from a briefcase?

Why don't you try getting to know him, be friends first?

Maybe all you need is friendship.

Friends, with a man?

What an interesting new concept.

I suppose anything's worth a shot at this stage.

Ciao.

Janet, I've made a decision.

We're having a night out. Nope.

Come on.

Don't you think you're being a bit over-protective?

Absolutely not.

Don't stand in the way of his sunlight, Jonny, he'll get rickets.

OK, right.

Do you remember lazy-eyed Lance from school?

Kept wetting himself in assembly?

His mum used to turn up and

Didn't he go into local government?

That's him. Anyway, him and his mum were way too close.

You know what happened to them?

and stabbed her 20 times right in the middle of Family Fortunes.

Oh, the irony.

Well, maybe just for one drink.

All right, Donna? Are you busy tonight?

No, why? Are you taking me out somewhere special? I am indeed. We're going to baby-sit.

Not Corinthian?

Oh, no, a delightful offspring of Captain von Trapp.

Of course, Corinthian. No. Absolutely no way.

But it's just a little baby.

I won't do it.

I won't baby-sit and nothing you can say or do will make me.

Are these new shoes?

Last pair, half price in the sale.

I had to batter a woman with a casual slip-on to get those.

No more Clarks back to school for me. Aren't they perfect?

Very nice.

You either come baby-sitting with me or the kitten heel gets it.

Not the shoes, not the shoes.

Eh, eh? Miaow.

What time do we start?

Hello there. Hello.

Have you been watching Top Gear?

No. Who are you? I'm your new friend, Louise.

I'm going to infiltrate your social circle and slowly become your girlfriend.

Aside from that being psychopathic,

I've only got eyes for Kelly.

Stop staring at me you beady little Scouser.

She's heavenly. I don't understand, I'm the heavenly one. God loves me.

How else would you explain his generosity with my looks?

Sorry, I'm just not interested.

Oh, this is hopeless. We can still be friends though.

Yes, a brand new friend.

My mistake. No, we couldn't.

Right, let's get this over with. Sooner you go out, sooner you can come back.

Make sure you call me if he starts to fret.

If he goes pink, put that cream on. If he goes purple, change his nappy.

If he goes blue, slap him on the back.

There's a colour chart with instruction.

Janet, stop, he won't do anything.

He's just a dull little person.

He's not dull. Buckets are dull.

How dare you?!

Ladies, don't fight, unless you're naked and covered in mayonnaise.

Come on, I'm thirsty. OK.

And no smoking anywhere near him and no mobile phones near his brain either.

Goodbye, bababababa.

Is mummy leaving you now? Yes, she is.

Yes, she is.

A-boo! Yes!

Thank God for that. Right, do you fancy a vodka?

I think we deserve a double, no, a triple.

And no alcohol.

Love you, mummy loves you.

I brought these to say, I love you.

For God's sake, will you just cock off.

You, what's wrong with you?

You turn me down then fall in love with the woman who hates you.

You thick scummy loser.

What's your name again?

Louise and for God's sake, man, have some respect.

The state of you turning up here with your flummin' flowers and sad face.

You're not fit enough to crawl on your hands and knees on the floor.

What are you looking at?

Carry on. I forgot to mention that

Oh.

On your knees and heel.

Good boy.

Fine, Donna, as long as everything's all right.

I'll ring you later.

Hi Donna, has anything happened?

Janet, we've been out for three minutes and 47 seconds.

I know it's been ages.

He's not even going to know you've gone.

Get that down your neck.

I can't help but worry, Jonny. I'm a mother now.

With motherly responsibilities to my son.

He's the only thing that matters in the whole...

Beer.

SHE BURPS

Would you care for another?

Why, don't mind if I do.

Who's got a lovely ickle mouth?

Who's got lovely ickle eyes?

I have.

Well, I have.

Gaz, would you turn him off.

Baba. Baba. Pfft! Pfft!

Look, he's only 12 inches long.

That is one foot for every month you've been alive.

That means by the time you're 21,

you'll be seven miles tall.

He's a giant! Shhhhh! You'll start him off again.

BABY CRIES

Leave it to me, I know how to quiet babies. OK, Corinthian?

Silencio!

CRYING CONTINUES

It worked for Harry Potter.

You really haven't got a clue have you? And I suppose you have.

I've got two younger siblings.

OK, OK.

Listen to me, you little shit.

I hate you. I really hate you, you moaning little bastard.

Yes, I do.

I wish you'd never been born.

You've ruined my life.

Oh my God.

What?

He just smiled at me with his mouth.

Did he?

Janet's been waiting for him to do that.

I'm the first person in the whole world that he's ever smiled at?

Oh! Bababababa.

Aren't you handsome?

Don't say it too loud, he gets jealous.

This is great, isn't it?

Enjoying each other's company, finally a bit of attention.

Gaz, there's a hole in his baby-grow.

Yes, it's where his head goes.

This rattle has an Oxfam sticker on it. It's second hand. I didn't

I told you.

Hello, Gonna and Daz.

Hello, little Corinthian.

He's drunk. Fart as a pissed.

No, I'm not, sit down.

Oh, he's fast asleep.

D'you want a little drinky of beer, little baby?

From my teats?

Janet, I didn't mean what I said

And your buckets aren't stupid.

So, Janet...?

Janet?

Are you asleep?

Janet!

I want you to have this.

It's for Corinthian.

You sold our baby?

Come here and fight me.

Listen! I didn't realise before.

He's beautiful, a little miracle.

He's just a bloody baby.

OK, well come on, we'll get going.

Janet, he smiled at me.

He smiled?

At you? Yep, a really big one, full gums and everything, it was lovely.

You bucket-headed bitch.

I had a religious experience this morning on the road to Widnes.

I never tell you this, but I love you very, very much.

Too late to save this little soul.

Look what I found.

I don't know why you have to shout at me.

Who are you and what have you done with Gaz?

Janet? Janet!