Original subtitles

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Janet's having your baby.

It likes me.

It wants to come out and meet me.

Yeah, I think it does.

Well, I can't wait to meet IT.

If someone wants to kiss you...

If they kiss me? It would have to be someone who thought you were

I think I'm in labour.

What! How can you tell?

Urgggh!

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakeys #

Hot water, towels - just like in the films.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Sat in labour, swigging me beer.

That's devil's juice you're drinking, you'll harm the foetus.

It's not a foetus, it's a baby now and it'll be here in a bit.

My gran drank Guinness all through her pregnancy.

And you wonder why your mum has such a small head?

Come on, it won't make any difference.

Hold on. Aren't you supposed to be screaming,

saying, "You ain't coming near me with that thing again, mister!"

It's only just started, we've got hours. Come and sit down.

You could have changed your pants.

If a bit of amniotic fluid turns your stomach, what are you going to be like when my perineum splits?

Your what does what?!

Nothing.

It'll be a delightful surprise.

So...

'spose we best phone the doctor.

Hm, s'pose.

You seem a bit too calm, Janet. I wanted a bit more drama.

Oh! Aaarrhh!

Oh my God!

It's like someone opened an umbrella on me arse!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Get an ambulance!

Oh, Mother, huffin', chuffin' hell, Mother Jerusalem!

SHE PANTS

It's always best to stick to the rules, Janet.

Oh, Jonny, I'm really frightened.

It hurts, get an ambulance! This is the worst pain!

Aaarrgghh!

No THIS is the worst pain!

And it only gets worse! Oh, yes, I'm the daddy, that's right.

I'm here. Now...PUSH!

Oooh!

What - orgasm?

Don't be perverse, I never have one of those.

It was when I put my money in the charity box I felt all warm and fuzzy and...

Definitely an orgasm...

No it wasn't, you sick bird!

Oooh!

Who knew that doing good things could be so fulfilling! Right, I'm off.

Off to find people who need good things doing for them.

The sick, the hungry and the pointless...

Oh! Oh, oh, oh...

I told the doctor how long you'd been in labour and he said you'd be fine, I quote,

"For ages, like."

Cup of tea?

Jonny, I am not fine.

The baby is coming out I need to get to hospital now!

Yeah, he said you'd say that.

Look, Jonny, I know my own body.

I need painkillers and ice and crisp white sheets

to ruin with placenta flab.

Yeah, he said you'd say that.

Argh! Oh, I'm dying!

I'm dying, I'm about to die!

Fuck...Jonny, help,

the baby is trying to kill me!

Hm... No, he didn't say you'd say that.

I'll phone Gaz. He can bring the hoist.

Oh!

I'm glad we're mates again, Gaz.

It was hard work avoiding you.

I'm glad there's no rampant sexual undercurrent between us

threatening to spill over and turn us into unbridled, raging shag gorillas.

Yep, perfectly able to keep our hands of each other. Perfectly, check this out.

I've been practising on a fire.

PHONE RINGS

Who's that? It was just some girl

Oh, what is she like?

Complete opposite of you actually.

Yeah, straight, white blonde hair,

really, really tall,

grossly overweight -

opposite...

She sounds...like a Viking.

So what's her name?

Jonny.

Short for Jonathine.

Why!?

That's most unusual.

You're just jealous.

No I'm not, why would I be when you sacked Jonathine off to sit here with me?

I didn't sack her off.

I'm just playing hard to get.

You're just a prawn in me intricate game of Ludo.

I think you should phone her.

OK.

Go on then.

'Hiya, LEAVE A MESSAGE!'

Yeah, hi Jonny...thine.

Sorry I missed your call, babes,

it's all a bit crazy down here in sex town.

Anyway, I'll catch you later.

Love you.

Phone Donna then, phone anyone!

I'm trying, my phone's out of credit.

Damn you, Pay As You Go!

Damn you, expensive polyphonic ring tones of the latest Top Ten chart hits!

Oh, answer phone...

'Yeah, hi, Jonny...' It's Gaz. '...thine.

'Sorry I missed your call, babes,

'but it's all a bit crazy down here in sex town.

'Anyway, I'll catch you later.'

Yeah, I won't be seeing much of Gaz anymore.

Look, Jonny, if you care about me and this baby you will get us to a hospital NOW!

But the doctor said not to.

He's an authority figure. They intimidate me. You know what I'm like.

It all started with that lollipop man, the one I tried to lick.

I SAID phone an AMBULANCE!

Look, are you sure it's that bad? What?

Jonny, please! I'm scared, I don't know what to do!

You'll be brilliant, they'll give you drugs, it'll be like a rave.

How the hell does a baby's head come out of something so small?

Small? You think a lot of yourself, don't you?

Just PHONE the the ambulance, Jonny!

It can't hurt that much. You're exaggerating. Oh really?

Yeah, nothing hurts that much.

You know, I've always thought you women put it on a bit really.

I mean, how would we ever find out?

Trust me, Jonny, this actually hurts!

Look, I beg to differ. You've never been kicked in the balls.

Nothing could be more painful than that.

It knocks you sick, it makes your whole abdomen just...

Ambulance, please.

Who was that?

Er...someone I've been seeing -

Dave.

He's the complete opposite to you.

He never works out and he smokes shed-loads and he's...

a bit ugly.

Sounds like quite a catch.

I was meant to be meeting him, but I too am playing hard to get.

So you should. Any man would be lucky to have you.

Thanks, Gaz.

But hey, you know, except me.

Because my life without you has just been so full of naked ladies.

Really, that's great, good for you.

One after the other, each one more naked than the last.

Fabulous, I'm just so happy you've moved on.

D'you know what? What?

We could help each other here.

You give me the woman side and I give you the man side of things,

seeing as we're mates now.

I'll give you tips from me legions of women. Right, that would be marvellous.

And I can tell you where you used to go wrong in bed.

I very much beg your pardon?

Uh! Oh!

I can't even walk any more.

Are you sure you're not just drunk?

Jonny, I need the ambulance here now! I'm splitting in two!

They said they'll be here in

Go and find someone who can take us, go on. Someone will be in the pub.

Good idea.

Don't leave me!

Janet, I can't be in the pub AND here.

Go and get me Jonny 2, then.

OK, fine.

But I don't want you getting attached to him.

Why are you doing this to me?

OK?

I am now he's here.

He is gone when the baby arrives! His job is done.

Don't think I've not seen the way you look at him.

Aaaaarghhh!

Argh, argh, argh!

That's a new one. Janet, you stay here.

Jonny 2, watch it.

What exactly did I do wrong in bed? Nothing specific.

I was just generally rubbish?

That's not what I'm saying. You were fine.

Fine - linen is fine. The weather is fine.

Actually, I got caught in some drizzle. It's a bit like you in bed.

I can't believe you didn't tell me.

It's not the type of thing you say to someone who's doing their best.

Sorry, love, can't feel a thing.

If you couldn't feel a thing then I think the problem's yours.

Possibly you had some nerve damage because I spent hours

It's not that you didn't try. I mean, you could go for hours.

That's right! On and on, and on, and on....

Anyway, I don't want to argue about your failings as a lover.

I thought you'd appreciate it if I told you where you're going wrong,

for the benefit of your naked ladies.

I didn't want to offend you.

Oh, I'm sorry, am I being peculiar?

Usually, when you tell a man they're no good in bed, they do a little jig.

Have a go at me. What did I used to do wrong?

Nothing. Nothing.

No, you were perfect, Donna.

Even my drunken blow jobs?

SHE GIGGLES

The ones with all the teeth...

Even those. Hey, but I was crap.

Isn't it nice being friends?

Come on, it's funny.

Funny?

Funny is the elderly falling over.

Funny is when rich people die.

Funny isn't pointing out flaws in my sensitive areas.

Gaz? No, I don't thing we should be friends, Donna. Come on!

I can't believe how much you've hurt me.

I'm sorry to say, but you're a total bitch.

Gaz! I never want to see you again.

SIREN WAILS

GAZ!

Oh, don't mind if I do.

Hi. Oh, Louise, thank God.

I'm having a baby. Yes,

Look, do you mind if I go through your home and take stuff? What, why?

I'm fund-raising.

It makes me feel warm.

Oop!

Will you stop taking our stuff and get me to hospital! But I'm doing you a favour.

Look, nasty McFly album...

Sharp corners, baby eyes - waaah, waaah!

And look...

nasty, empty wheelchair.

Making baby think that disabled people can go invisible.

That's it, Jonny's old wheelchair.

I mean, what do you as fully grown adults need with them?

Get me in that wheelchair. You can wheel me to hospital.

How can I get my warm fuzziness if I can't raise funds for random charities?

Ah! Ow! You're hurting me. Just be grateful you have no testicles.

Why build a hospital on a hill? So we can have jolly times like this together, Louise.

I'm going to get a hernia. Oh, I would kill for a bloody hernia.

Supposed to be doing a good deed to make myself feel good,

instead I'm stuck here pushing my friend in labour to the hospital.

Oh!

Hey, I'm getting that warm feeling again.

Louise. Louise, quick! Janet?

Louise! Ah! Janet!

JANET SCREAMS

Janet!

Janet!

JANET SCREAMS AND PANTS

Louise!

Argh! Argh!

Oooh!

LOUISE THUDS

Oooh...

Gaz, what's happened? He's been run over by the paramedics.

You've robbed our ambulance.

Get out, this is meant for Janet. What's up with Janet?

Oh, let me see. Well, she has a slight head cold, a touch of the

Shouldn't somebody be with her?

Yes. What a smashing idea. What about someone like the paramedics and the father of the baby?

No, no you don't want me there.

What did he say?

He said, mo, mo...

Something like that. No, he said...

He said... Jonny,

if I don't pull through...

raise him as if he was your own.

That's it. I'm never doing a single kind thing again.

JANET GASPS

JANET SCREAMS

Slap!

You can't hit him. He's been run over.

Well, I would have gobbed Janet, but she's vanished.

Jonny, listen, what Gaz said before...

No, you listen. What Gaz said before was right - it's obvious now.

Janet had a one-night stand nine months ago.

You and Gaz split up.

You weren't talking to Janet for ages and suddenly everyone's being nice to me.

Jonny, what are you going to do?

I don't know. I know this is all

..possibly in the rain.

You can't throw everything away.

Why not? You found out Gaz cheated, so you left.

I found out Janet's cheated, so I'm leaving.

Janet didn't cheat, you were with Kate.

Oh, yeah...

She was fit!

As much as I hate what they both did, I don't think they got anything out of it.

Except a baby.

And this isn't the baby's fault, is it? No.

No, I'd never take it out on him.

But I want nothing to do with that harlot!

So, what are you doing here?

Well, I came primarily to slap Gaz.

And to...deliver divorce papers.

They're in my pocket....

..of my other jacket.

Rusks...

I love these things.

Can't wait till the baby's teething.

We'll stay up all night having rusk-sucking competitions.

And Janet'll tell us off for making too much noise

and I'm going to say, "We don't need this crap, mo-fo."

And the baby's going to tell her to F-off.

And then we'll high-five and Janet will go, "Tut,"

and she'll say,

"My boys," and she'll smile and...

That's not going to happen any more, is it?

JANET GROWLS

JANET PANTS

Why couldn't I find anyone that I could help?

Even here? Oh, Jesus Christ! Ah!

I know. I'll try A&E.

Get Jonny! I need Jonny! OK.

If I see him I'll tell him you said hi. Ciao.

JANET SCREAMS

Will he be OK? Yeah.

Free to wander the streets looking for naked ladies.

He never did that, ever.

He's wanked himself off blind since you left.

I should know.

I don't know why I should know, but creepily I do.

All right, are you telling me he's not had

No. He only wants you, Donna.

Has he said anything about me?

He never stops saying things about you.

"Donna did this, Donna did that."

He never specifies what,

but it's nice to know you're doing this and that.

Would you forgive Janet for what she's done? Never.

Not even if she was hit on the head by the emergency services.

Not even if she begged in that special way she does -

on her knees, proffering an assortment of biscuits and beer.

Not even if she would...

Oh, Jonny, Janet's asking for you.

Janet!

Hi, Donna. Hi, Gaz.

What are you doing here? It's terrible. There's been an accident.

Oh, that's great.

Would you like to make a donation? Get out!

I get a cold feeling from you.

Are you awake?

Gaz, I'm really sorry what I said before.

I didn't mean it. It's just, when you started going on about your stupid new women,

I just wanted to hurt you and then the ambulance did that for me.

I'm just so glad you have such a very small brain.

Bloody bastard...

I mean, look at you.

I mean, you're not...

You shouldn't be what I want.

You can't spell.

You prefer Ministry of Mayhem to Dick and Dom.

I love you.

Oh!

Gaz, are you OK?

No, not really. Are you?

No.

I heard what you said.

I thought you were knocked out. I thought you were concussed.

I am concussed. I could hear you double.

Sorry.

I need to tell you something.

There was no Jonathine.

Shocker!

So where does this leave us?

I don't know.

I quite like it here though.

Yeah, me too.

Do these curtains draw round? I'm on it!

Did I miss it?

No, you were there.

Did I make a fool of myself?

No...

You were very brave.

Am I thin again?

No, you're still pretty fat.

Where is he? Here in the cot.

BABY GURGLES

Can you pick him up?

I don't know. I haven't asked him.

Who does he look like?

Gaz.

What?

What are you talking about?

It's Gaz's baby, Janet.

You shagged Gaz.

I'm hallucinating.

This is a nightmare brought on by

Janet, if you were hallucinating,

I'd be wearing a thong and grappling with a centurion, like last time.

I'm so tired, Jonny.

Would you lie here? I just...

can't keep my eyes...

Now listen here, Sonny Jim -

you don't like me and I don't like you.

But...

Shh... Shh...

BABY CONTINUES TO CRY

# Thundercats are on the move Thundercats are loose. #

Yeah, that was my favourite lullaby as well.

You don't look that much like Gaz, you know.

And you've got Janet's nose...

..and Janet's chin.

Oh...

and little bits of Janet's womb stuck to your forehead.

New baby smell...

It smells of...

..biscuits!

That's the unmistakable aroma of a 1992 Jammie Dodger.

Hah, do you like biscuits?

Do you like football?

What about beer? Oh, I'm going to take that snot bubble as a yes.

You're so pretty.

Like a little version of Janet,

but you've got my...

They're my eyes!

And they're my hands, although iddy-widdy

And they're my feet. I wear socks like that.

Ah, and that's my...

That's my family.

Who's the daddy?!

Oh, shit. Sorry, mate. Shh...

Jonny...

Please don't go.