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1
00:00:01,700 --> 00:00:04,740
Oh my God, you're Gaz.
2
00:00:04,740 --> 00:00:11,820
Ooee! Baba! Wake up!
I only liked you in the first place
3
00:00:11,820 --> 00:00:15,100
Now you're a fat wanker,
you've no chance!
4
00:00:15,100 --> 00:00:20,540
She's changed so much. I mean, I'm
exactly the same as I always was.
5
00:00:20,540 --> 00:00:25,380
I'm a proper mummy. I'm in
the process of creating a nest.
6
00:00:25,380 --> 00:00:28,500
Look, a doily.
7
00:00:28,500 --> 00:00:33,220
After three months of Gazturbation,
I'm back in fighting shape.
8
00:01:08,380 --> 00:01:13,620
Does anyone know why? Why what?
Why I went into the kitchen.
9
00:01:14,500 --> 00:01:16,460
You were putting the kettle on.
10
00:01:16,460 --> 00:01:17,980
Oh yeah.
11
00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:25,260
There we go, that's the cryptic done.
12
00:01:25,260 --> 00:01:28,820
As long as "sociyog" is a word.
13
00:01:28,820 --> 00:01:31,540
Donna, you're being a slob again.
14
00:01:31,540 --> 00:01:34,020
Now we had that talk, remember.
15
00:01:34,020 --> 00:01:37,420
When you started wearing that
Fat Willy's Surf Shack T-shirt.
16
00:01:37,420 --> 00:01:42,420
There was no need for you
to burn it. I loved that T-shirt,
it smelt like lobster.
17
00:01:42,420 --> 00:01:47,580
Yeah, well, I think you might be
slipping back to the Helena Bonham
Carter end of the style spectrum.
18
00:01:47,580 --> 00:01:52,740
It's not like I'm looking for a man.
And having seen how morbidly obese
Gaz has got itself,
19
00:01:52,740 --> 00:01:58,460
it's not like I need to worry about
letting myself go, is it? Donna,
20
00:01:58,460 --> 00:02:04,100
A couple of months ago,
and he was fat, fat, fat, ha! Well,
now he's fit, fit, fit, a-ha!
21
00:02:04,100 --> 00:02:08,300
What do you mean, fit, fit, fit?
Last I saw, he was a buffalo,
22
00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:11,300
and I wouldn't have touched his
23
00:02:11,300 --> 00:02:16,180
No, I don't, but it sounds perfectly
disgusting, so I'll ignore it.
24
00:02:16,180 --> 00:02:18,180
Janet, has Gaz got all thin again?
25
00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:22,820
Gaz? That's the woman with
the yellow hair who sang The Only
Way Is Up, isn't it?
26
00:02:22,820 --> 00:02:28,980
I'm going to have to check this out
for myself. This is oxtail soup.
27
00:02:30,540 --> 00:02:32,860
Sorry,
I'll go and warm it up for you.
28
00:02:49,780 --> 00:02:53,380
Have a feel of that. Eh?
29
00:02:53,380 --> 00:02:55,460
Belting.
30
00:02:55,460 --> 00:03:02,340
You want to see the rest, my number's
on the men's room wall. You coming
31
00:03:02,340 --> 00:03:05,540
No, I'll be at the gym,
working this fine, fine booty.
32
00:03:07,340 --> 00:03:10,420
I'm quizmaster. First question.
33
00:03:10,420 --> 00:03:13,740
Who is the father of Janet's baby?
34
00:03:15,860 --> 00:03:18,780
Don't you dare. I'm teasing.
35
00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:24,740
First question. Who shagged
Janet Keown other than Jonny?
36
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:29,460
So, how's the pregnancy going?
37
00:03:29,460 --> 00:03:32,500
Terrifying. I'm just not
connecting with the kid.
38
00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:36,860
I'm a rubbish dad. And Janet's gone
completely stupid.
39
00:03:36,860 --> 00:03:39,580
The Kerry and Brian of Runcorn.
40
00:03:41,220 --> 00:03:46,620
It's normal for women to get
a bit dizzy when they're having
a baby, especially blonde ones.
41
00:03:46,620 --> 00:03:48,740
How would you know that?
42
00:03:48,740 --> 00:03:51,300
I read it in a pregnancy book.
43
00:03:51,300 --> 00:03:54,100
What, Labour Babes?
44
00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:57,020
Or Happy Nappy Slappers' Baps?
45
00:03:57,020 --> 00:03:58,900
No.
46
00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:01,140
Not yet.
47
00:04:01,140 --> 00:04:06,580
I don't suppose you need to read
books, I mean the antenatal classes
will fill you in. I've not been.
48
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:11,780
You have to, you'll be useless! All
the other dads will be miles better
49
00:04:11,780 --> 00:04:16,020
They'll be dead pally, and bezzie
mates with their wives' uteruses.
50
00:04:16,020 --> 00:04:21,580
Janet's going? It's really important.
51
00:04:21,580 --> 00:04:26,740
On his moped. She can't be going
52
00:04:26,740 --> 00:04:34,700
I think we have established that I
do not. It's the rules. No mopeds,
no soft cheese, no fish, no eggs.
53
00:04:34,700 --> 00:04:40,420
You just described the worst
sandwich ever. If you're so
54
00:04:40,420 --> 00:04:44,780
Me? Yes, you. You having a go at me
for my bad parenting does not help.
55
00:04:44,780 --> 00:04:48,780
You taking my whale of a wife for
56
00:04:48,780 --> 00:04:53,740
Oh my God. Gaz looks amazing.
57
00:04:53,740 --> 00:04:55,860
How dare he!
58
00:04:55,860 --> 00:05:00,700
First question, ladies and gentlemen,
which Book It executive
59
00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:04,740
wants a tasty portion
of raw cock from her ex-boyfriend?
60
00:05:18,620 --> 00:05:21,260
What was I reaching for?
61
00:05:21,260 --> 00:05:25,060
I thought you were
trying to do a sit-up.
62
00:05:25,060 --> 00:05:31,580
Crisis. I need to make an effort.
I can't have Gaz looking like
he's just stepped out of a salon,
63
00:05:31,580 --> 00:05:37,300
when I look like I've just stepped
out of a hedge. Hallelujah,
she's looked in the mirror!
64
00:05:37,300 --> 00:05:41,460
My tits, I'll get my tits done, I've
got the cash. Yeah, we could match.
65
00:05:41,460 --> 00:05:47,500
No, I don't think I'd know what
to do with big boobs. I'd be like
a kid at Christmas with a new toy.
66
00:05:47,500 --> 00:05:51,820
Just like Christmas, I'd only
end up playing with the box.
67
00:05:53,340 --> 00:05:56,260
What do you think, Janet?
68
00:05:56,260 --> 00:05:58,980
Well, I think...
69
00:05:58,980 --> 00:06:01,100
No, it's gone.
70
00:06:01,100 --> 00:06:06,900
My mind is a blank. What am I going
to do? How can I bring up a kid
when I can't remember anything?
71
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:13,700
I never used to be like this,
I used to read. Delia, Jamie,
72
00:06:13,700 --> 00:06:16,940
What could you do?
I could train your brain.
73
00:06:16,940 --> 00:06:21,380
I do have a degree, you know. I could
teach you to hold on to information.
74
00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:25,900
Or how to pay graduates
to sit exams for you. Thank you.
75
00:06:25,900 --> 00:06:28,140
My lips. I'll get my lips done.
76
00:06:28,140 --> 00:06:33,180
You shouldn't play about with
your appearance, D...De...
77
00:06:33,180 --> 00:06:35,060
is it Dave?
78
00:06:38,740 --> 00:06:42,740
It really should be you taking Janet
to these antenatal classes, Jonny.
79
00:06:42,740 --> 00:06:47,500
I'm not the dad. That's the thing.
I don't feel like the dad.
80
00:06:47,500 --> 00:06:50,820
I don't feel like there'll be
a baby here in a couple of weeks.
81
00:06:50,820 --> 00:06:57,220
I wouldn't be surprised if Janet
just deflated after all of this. I
82
00:06:57,220 --> 00:07:02,580
I got to listen to its heart on that
little leccie stethoscope they've
got. Why didn't that make it real?
83
00:07:02,580 --> 00:07:08,140
What did it sound like? It sounded
like a little drum, and a big drum.
84
00:07:08,140 --> 00:07:11,300
It can play the drums?
85
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:14,060
And I got to see it, too.
86
00:07:14,060 --> 00:07:20,900
See, if you squint your eyes,
and you look closely, you can see
something that looks like an arse.
87
00:07:20,900 --> 00:07:24,260
That's its face.
88
00:07:26,340 --> 00:07:32,060
Oh God, Jonny. I'll take Janet
to antenatal, of course I will.
89
00:07:33,780 --> 00:07:37,180
He's gorgeous. Like his dad.
90
00:07:37,180 --> 00:07:39,820
Ta very much.
91
00:07:44,380 --> 00:07:48,620
And how can we help you, Donna?
I want my lips doing.
92
00:07:49,100 --> 00:07:54,620
I want to look different,
but not too different,
so it's not so people notice.
93
00:07:54,620 --> 00:07:58,540
People just say, "My, Donna's
looking well, isn't she?"
94
00:07:58,540 --> 00:08:01,860
without somebody else saying, "Oh,
I think she's had her lips done."
95
00:08:01,860 --> 00:08:06,180
And then the other person says,
"Oh yeah, I wouldn't have noticed
96
00:08:06,180 --> 00:08:12,060
Then the other person says, "I think
it looks stupid, and then the other
says, "We should avoid her type.
97
00:08:12,060 --> 00:08:16,180
Then the other person says, "Shall
98
00:08:16,180 --> 00:08:18,420
Then the other person says,
"Shall we try the new Wetherspoons?"
99
00:08:18,420 --> 00:08:20,500
and then the other person says,
"No, you can't smoke at the bar."
100
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:24,500
Then the other person says,
"OK, Barley Mow it is, but I don't
want to bump into my ex-husband."
101
00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:29,580
Then the other person says,
"Aye, you're not wrong there, best
go home and smack us kids about."
102
00:08:29,580 --> 00:08:35,460
At a basic level, I don't want their
children to suffer. OK, that's fine.
103
00:08:35,460 --> 00:08:41,980
First off, we need to talk through
your reasons why you want this done,
104
00:08:41,980 --> 00:08:44,100
The risks?
105
00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:45,740
Nobody told me about the risks.
106
00:08:45,740 --> 00:08:47,660
What could happen?
I don't want to be scarred.
107
00:08:47,660 --> 00:08:51,620
I don't want people to think I've
done this out of vanity, because
108
00:08:51,620 --> 00:08:55,100
I don't want people
saying in the pub,
109
00:08:55,100 --> 00:09:00,820
"She's right vain, had her lips
done," and the other says, "We
110
00:09:00,820 --> 00:09:03,780
Why do you want this done, Donna?
111
00:09:03,780 --> 00:09:06,420
Because Gaz is prettier than me.
112
00:09:06,420 --> 00:09:11,780
I just think bigger lips
would help with that.
113
00:09:11,780 --> 00:09:14,340
Are you sure surgery is the answer?
114
00:09:14,340 --> 00:09:16,820
Well, is Prozac the answer?
115
00:09:16,820 --> 00:09:20,300
To be honest, yes. Usually.
116
00:09:20,300 --> 00:09:24,340
Because after my mum died,
our GP was really keen
for us to go on that.
117
00:09:24,340 --> 00:09:27,140
When I wouldn't have
Prozac, he offered diazepam.
118
00:09:27,140 --> 00:09:31,020
When I wouldn't have diazepam,
he offered lithium, and when I
119
00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:35,140
I just think he ran out of ideas.
120
00:09:35,140 --> 00:09:38,860
You need to work through this before
you even consider altering your face.
121
00:09:38,860 --> 00:09:43,580
Have you tried exercising,
and looking at your diet? My diet?
122
00:09:43,580 --> 00:09:45,380
I'm the same weight
I've always been.
123
00:09:45,380 --> 00:09:50,260
I can eat what I want, and drink
what I want. I am one of those
124
00:09:50,260 --> 00:09:55,580
That was what dear old mum used
to say. You could be depressed.
125
00:09:55,580 --> 00:10:00,980
I'd advise you to look after
your body, and you'll benefit
126
00:10:00,980 --> 00:10:03,300
Look after myself? Yes.
127
00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:05,940
That's your advice? Yeah.
128
00:10:05,940 --> 00:10:09,260
And I paid 200 quid
for this consultation?
129
00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:13,580
Yes, looking at it,
it's not very good, is it?
130
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:18,380
When alarmed, the springbok will
stot or pronk.
131
00:10:18,380 --> 00:10:22,180
That is,
jump stiff-legged into the air.
132
00:10:22,180 --> 00:10:27,020
What I want to know
is how high, Janet? How high?
133
00:10:27,020 --> 00:10:28,700
How am I supposed to know that?
134
00:10:28,700 --> 00:10:31,300
Come on.
I've thrown you in at the deep end,
135
00:10:31,300 --> 00:10:35,020
but you have to be able to retain
facts if your memory is to improve.
136
00:10:35,020 --> 00:10:38,500
I'll give you a margin of three feet.
137
00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:44,620
OK, 728...no, ..9 foot.
138
00:10:44,620 --> 00:10:49,180
You think a springbok
can jump 700ft in the air?
139
00:10:49,180 --> 00:10:51,780
Ah, ah! 729.
140
00:10:51,780 --> 00:10:54,460
It's 12 feet.
141
00:10:54,460 --> 00:10:56,100
Poor Janet.
142
00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:58,540
Poor enormous Janet.
143
00:10:58,540 --> 00:11:00,260
What am I going to do?
144
00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:03,660
This kid needs all the help
it can get. Jonny can't help.
145
00:11:03,660 --> 00:11:06,340
He thinks
Casablanca was a real place.
146
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:15,060
What you need is motivation.
You need something to aim at.
147
00:11:15,060 --> 00:11:16,940
What about the pub quiz? When is it?
148
00:11:16,940 --> 00:11:19,340
Thursday. At the Archer.
149
00:11:19,340 --> 00:11:24,540
Beat going to antenatal.
What do you win? Who cares?
150
00:11:24,540 --> 00:11:27,860
I get my brain back, and baby gets
the passive smoke it so craves.
151
00:11:37,740 --> 00:11:39,860
Alright John? Fine.
152
00:11:39,860 --> 00:11:41,820
Hello.
153
00:11:44,060 --> 00:11:46,620
That's Cuddles, isn't it?
154
00:11:46,620 --> 00:11:52,740
No, it's my baby. If I'm taking Janet
to antenatal classes, I don't want
to look stupid in front of everyone.
155
00:11:52,740 --> 00:11:54,580
They all look stupid.
156
00:11:54,580 --> 00:11:59,100
They just waddle around like ducks
and, as we all know,
he hates that duck.
157
00:11:59,100 --> 00:12:04,100
I just thought I should be prepared
for when I need to be fatherly.
158
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:09,460
Gaz, it's not your responsibility -
you're just driving! You've already
said you're not going to the classes
159
00:12:09,460 --> 00:12:16,220
and you're scared of responsibility.
How's it going to be when he gets on
160
00:12:16,220 --> 00:12:19,500
Yes. He'll want someone there -
we all do.
161
00:12:19,500 --> 00:12:22,380
I suppose.
162
00:12:24,060 --> 00:12:28,300
Someone needs to square up to
the other one's dad, and to be
163
00:12:28,300 --> 00:12:34,460
Just because I'm scared doesn't
mean... He needs someone to comfort
him when he has his scary first wank.
164
00:12:34,460 --> 00:12:39,260
You know, when you
think you've broken it.
165
00:12:39,260 --> 00:12:43,020
Well, me dad was the last
thing I was thinking of.
166
00:12:43,020 --> 00:12:47,140
Now my sister, that
was a different matter.
167
00:12:47,860 --> 00:12:53,180
You don't have a sister.
I know - I made her up. She was fit.
168
00:12:53,180 --> 00:12:54,940
And French, as I recall.
169
00:12:56,500 --> 00:12:58,660
Look, I just need you
to drive Jonny to class.
170
00:12:58,660 --> 00:13:00,220
I don't need you to
take over completely.
171
00:13:00,220 --> 00:13:03,060
Jonny, I just want to help, come on.
I can do the things you can't manage.
172
00:13:03,060 --> 00:13:05,020
I'm responsible.
Just let it go, come on.
173
00:13:05,020 --> 00:13:08,740
But it's my baby! Mine, mine, mine!
174
00:13:08,740 --> 00:13:11,020
Will you stop spanking my monkey!
175
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:17,860
1666, 1666!
176
00:13:17,860 --> 00:13:20,260
That's right. Very well done.
177
00:13:20,260 --> 00:13:27,340
If you can remember what happened in
1666 rather than shouting it at me,
178
00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:30,420
Come on, ask me something.
Ask me who Charles I's mother was.
179
00:13:30,420 --> 00:13:34,860
Do you know? Yes.
It was the Queen, of the time. Easy.
180
00:13:34,860 --> 00:13:38,780
Keep revising, Janet. I will. I'm
going to win this pub quiz.
181
00:13:38,780 --> 00:13:42,420
I'm going to be one of those
clever mums like Cherie Lunghi QC.
182
00:13:42,420 --> 00:13:45,060
Oh, this is hopeless. Bye.
183
00:13:45,060 --> 00:13:47,380
Bye.
184
00:13:47,380 --> 00:13:52,020
Still thinking of getting your lips
done? No, I've decided against it.
185
00:13:52,020 --> 00:13:59,140
I think diet and exercise is probably
a better option to get me looking as
186
00:13:59,140 --> 00:14:02,740
No I don't. I don't care what Gaz
thinks, don't care what Gaz feels,
187
00:14:02,740 --> 00:14:06,900
don't care about Gaz and his fine,
fine booty one little bit. Hiya.
188
00:14:06,900 --> 00:14:09,660
Hiya. Oh, what's up with you?
189
00:14:09,660 --> 00:14:13,460
I was already feeling insecure about
this pregnancy thing,
190
00:14:13,460 --> 00:14:16,780
and Gaz has made me think he'll be
a better dad. I can't believe him!
191
00:14:16,780 --> 00:14:21,700
He's so out of order thinking he
can just run your lives and pass
192
00:14:23,380 --> 00:14:27,380
He's unbelievable! I hate him!
I can't believe he's done that!
193
00:14:29,020 --> 00:14:35,780
Um, actually all he really did
was bring a monkey. A monkey?
194
00:14:35,780 --> 00:14:38,780
A monkey?
195
00:14:38,780 --> 00:14:40,780
Bastard!
196
00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:45,140
I hate him! Not as much as the
monkey hates that duck.
197
00:14:45,140 --> 00:14:47,540
Right, I'm going to go round there
and give him hell.
198
00:14:47,540 --> 00:14:53,500
I'm going to smack him in his
stupidly gorgeous face and then spit
on his wretchedly sexy thighs
199
00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:57,180
and then kick him in his fine, fine
booty. I'm doing this for you, Jonny.
200
00:14:57,180 --> 00:15:02,780
Otherwise I'd never want to see his
horribly beautiful eyes ever again!
201
00:15:07,060 --> 00:15:10,620
She's completely
over him, isn't she?
202
00:15:12,140 --> 00:15:14,420
I bet I can prove you're a good dad.
203
00:15:14,420 --> 00:15:17,740
How's that then?
If you talk to the baby.
204
00:15:17,740 --> 00:15:21,220
But that's so embarrassing.
What am I supposed to say?
205
00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:22,740
"Hello lickle baby".
206
00:15:22,740 --> 00:15:25,980
I sound stupid. I'm no good at this.
207
00:15:25,980 --> 00:15:30,220
Yes you are. And I know for a
fact baby likes being read to.
208
00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:35,340
So you can start with the periodic
table, then baby wants to be
asked all about the Boer War.
209
00:15:38,420 --> 00:15:41,940
# In the jungle, the quiet jungle
210
00:15:41,940 --> 00:15:45,500
# The lion sleep tonight
211
00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:51,060
# A-eeeeee
Um-bum-ba-whey #
212
00:15:51,060 --> 00:15:53,580
All right Donna?
213
00:15:53,580 --> 00:15:57,100
I've not seen you in ages.
You look almost as good as me.
214
00:15:58,620 --> 00:16:03,940
I can't believe you're worming your
way into Jonny's role to usurp him
215
00:16:03,940 --> 00:16:09,860
What's that got to do with you? I
think you've just come down here for
a sneaky peak at this fine booty.
216
00:16:09,860 --> 00:16:13,900
No Gaz, even if your booty is
indeed fine, as you proclaim,
217
00:16:13,900 --> 00:16:16,220
I'm getting you out of
my system as we speak.
218
00:16:16,220 --> 00:16:21,220
If I do what the doctor tells me
to do, I'm going to look so good
219
00:16:21,220 --> 00:16:26,060
that your booty is going to be
kissing my booty's booty.
220
00:16:26,060 --> 00:16:29,620
What doctor? Are you ill? No.
221
00:16:29,620 --> 00:16:34,860
Well, don't laugh. Donna, I would
222
00:16:34,860 --> 00:16:40,340
not unless it was smelly or painful
or inflicted on a celebrity.
223
00:16:40,340 --> 00:16:44,460
I wanted to get my lips done.
A-ha-ha!
224
00:16:44,460 --> 00:16:47,660
No way!
225
00:16:47,660 --> 00:16:52,180
You with big massive lips!
You'll look stupid!
226
00:16:52,180 --> 00:16:59,140
Mmm... Mmm...
Are they for kissing the boys?
227
00:17:01,740 --> 00:17:07,180
No seriously, are they? This
is typical. It's bloody typical!
228
00:17:07,180 --> 00:17:10,740
I give you a situation I'm insecure
about and you make a joke out of it.
229
00:17:10,740 --> 00:17:15,100
You make fun out of people's
insecurity. You laugh at that fellow
on the telly with the wooden legs.
230
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:19,020
That's the Cuprinol wood stain
advert - it's a wooden man!
231
00:17:19,020 --> 00:17:24,700
Forget it! I don't care, I'm going.
And I'm going to get my lips
232
00:17:24,700 --> 00:17:28,260
Why are you so concerned about
what I think? I'm not. I don't care.
233
00:17:28,260 --> 00:17:33,180
Well, why are you all flushed and
angry just because I said one stupid
little thing? I'm not. I don't care.
234
00:17:33,180 --> 00:17:35,660
And why haven't you stopped
thinking about licking my neck
since you walked through the door?
235
00:17:35,660 --> 00:17:37,860
I mean...no... Just f...
236
00:17:38,060 --> 00:17:43,380
Look, just because I'm
sexually attracted to you... Oh!
237
00:17:43,380 --> 00:17:44,980
Oh, bollocks!
238
00:17:44,980 --> 00:17:47,540
Oh, you're sexually attracted to me?
239
00:17:49,060 --> 00:17:53,540
Next time you see me I'll be a
pouting, sensual maiden full
of chemicals.
240
00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:56,580
I don't care what you think!
241
00:17:58,300 --> 00:18:01,060
Oh, she care.
242
00:18:01,060 --> 00:18:03,540
She care good.
243
00:18:07,740 --> 00:18:11,540
Test me. I've been
revising all weekend. Fine.
244
00:18:11,540 --> 00:18:15,020
A rugby league team has...?
13 players.
245
00:18:15,020 --> 00:18:17,940
Ian Ogilvy was...? The Saint.
246
00:18:17,940 --> 00:18:20,700
Wow, you've really come on.
247
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:22,380
The national dish of Poland?
248
00:18:22,380 --> 00:18:25,540
Oh... Ah... Oh, something with fish.
249
00:18:25,540 --> 00:18:27,900
Fingers?
250
00:18:27,900 --> 00:18:30,140
This for the pub quiz?
Yeah. And I know this one.
251
00:18:30,140 --> 00:18:34,300
Little tip - if
you don't know the answer, just say
Shirley Williams or Uruguay.
252
00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:35,900
It's always one of the two.
253
00:18:35,900 --> 00:18:38,180
Ah. Enjoy the class. Mwah.
254
00:18:39,700 --> 00:18:42,460
Hello.
Hi Gaz. Hi Gaz. Bye Gaz.
255
00:18:45,100 --> 00:18:48,700
Hold on, where's Janet going?
Oh, she couldn't make it tonight.
256
00:18:48,700 --> 00:18:50,820
I thought we'd join you instead.
257
00:18:52,540 --> 00:18:55,420
We? Yes.
258
00:18:55,420 --> 00:18:56,940
We.
259
00:19:05,540 --> 00:19:08,620
I found Josie Ann in a skip. Mwah.
260
00:19:23,820 --> 00:19:26,260
Your main competition is from them.
261
00:19:26,260 --> 00:19:29,460
Their expertise is your weakness.
262
00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:32,580
Conversely, their weakness
is your expertise.
263
00:19:32,580 --> 00:19:35,260
They know brown ale
and facial topiary.
264
00:19:35,260 --> 00:19:37,980
You know what Simon from
Blue likes for his tea.
265
00:19:37,980 --> 00:19:41,740
Prawn crackers. Ha, have it!
266
00:19:43,420 --> 00:19:45,900
Right, we need a name for our team.
267
00:19:45,900 --> 00:19:49,180
Something cerebral,
something jocular,
268
00:19:49,180 --> 00:19:52,460
something genteel...
269
00:19:52,460 --> 00:19:54,780
The Slags it is.
270
00:19:57,180 --> 00:20:02,140
Now, if everybody's ready, can we all
be seated for our opening ceremony?
271
00:20:05,140 --> 00:20:09,820
And that concludes
our opening ceremony. We starting?
272
00:20:09,820 --> 00:20:12,380
Woh! Woh!
273
00:20:14,740 --> 00:20:18,300
Sorry. I thought
it was like Fun House.
274
00:20:22,460 --> 00:20:28,020
See, this is how I've always held
them - firm but gentle.
275
00:20:28,020 --> 00:20:31,060
You're going to make
such a great dad.
276
00:20:31,060 --> 00:20:32,580
I don't know.
277
00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:36,260
Woh!
278
00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:44,100
Hey, if you think that was funny,
check this out.
279
00:20:56,900 --> 00:20:58,460
I can't think.
280
00:20:58,460 --> 00:21:02,060
I know the answer is in here
somewhere, but I just can't think.
281
00:21:02,060 --> 00:21:05,580
Jonny said, if in doubt, the
answer is usually Shirley Williams.
282
00:21:05,580 --> 00:21:08,700
That's right. You're a genius!
283
00:21:10,420 --> 00:21:12,460
Hah, take that beardy weirdy!
284
00:21:14,740 --> 00:21:18,620
Although, how did Shirley Williams
win the first ever World Cup?
285
00:21:18,620 --> 00:21:24,420
Not sure. Anyway, we're on the home
strait now. Just one more question
286
00:21:24,420 --> 00:21:28,380
And this is your final
question for the night.
287
00:21:28,380 --> 00:21:32,580
How high to the nearest three feet
can a springbok stot or pronk?
288
00:21:32,580 --> 00:21:37,980
That is, how high, ladies and
gentlemen, can a springbok...
289
00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:45,300
It seems we've got a draw.
290
00:21:45,300 --> 00:21:49,660
Both John Smith's Hairy Twin
and the accurately named The Slags
291
00:21:49,660 --> 00:21:54,380
are both on 40 out of 50 each.
Oh no!
292
00:21:54,380 --> 00:21:57,740
Can we get a representative up from
each team for the tie break, please?
293
00:21:57,740 --> 00:22:01,300
And The Slags,
please don't send the squeaky one -
294
00:22:01,300 --> 00:22:06,580
And John Smith's Hairy Twin, please
don't send up anyone I've shagged.
295
00:22:10,940 --> 00:22:15,700
More than once?
Who didn't catch anything?
296
00:22:17,540 --> 00:22:19,940
Who I didn't fellate in the cellar?
297
00:22:27,060 --> 00:22:32,380
First person to know the
answer, shouts out. No conferring.
And no help from the crowd, please.
298
00:22:32,380 --> 00:22:34,220
And I'll see you
in the cellar later.
299
00:22:37,700 --> 00:22:41,820
OK, at what stage of pregnancy
should a pregnant lady
300
00:22:41,820 --> 00:22:45,860
start to feel the baby move?
301
00:22:47,380 --> 00:22:50,300
Fix! Fix! Fix! Quiet, you!
302
00:22:50,300 --> 00:22:52,780
I have no idea.
303
00:22:52,780 --> 00:22:55,260
I really don't.
OK, we'll move on. Next tiebreaker.
304
00:22:55,260 --> 00:22:58,980
Kelly, what was the answer? What?
305
00:22:58,980 --> 00:23:02,940
What was the answer? When do you
306
00:23:02,940 --> 00:23:06,700
Are you sure you're
pregnant not just fat?
307
00:23:14,460 --> 00:23:17,820
See, I'm spending
quality time with you.
308
00:23:17,820 --> 00:23:20,860
I am a good dad.
309
00:23:20,860 --> 00:23:23,620
Oh Christ, me beer!
310
00:23:23,620 --> 00:23:25,500
I mean, me baby.
311
00:23:25,500 --> 00:23:27,660
Oh, there's no one here - me beer.
312
00:23:31,820 --> 00:23:33,660
Jonny, there's something wrong.
313
00:23:33,660 --> 00:23:37,140
With the baby. Eh? It's not moving.
314
00:23:37,140 --> 00:23:39,660
I've not felt it move
for weeks and weeks.
315
00:23:41,180 --> 00:23:44,660
Oh God...I think it's... It's what?
316
00:23:44,660 --> 00:23:49,660
Janet, what's wrong? Oh God, Jonny,
this is all my fault. Oh God,
317
00:23:49,660 --> 00:23:52,220
I'm really, really scared.
318
00:23:52,220 --> 00:23:56,060
Hold on. We'll get you out of there.
319
00:23:56,060 --> 00:23:58,220
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to... Ow!
320
00:23:58,220 --> 00:24:02,220
Little bastard just kicked me!
321
00:24:02,220 --> 00:24:05,900
Did it? Yeah, right in the lug hole.
322
00:24:05,900 --> 00:24:08,980
He kicked you?
Yeah, didn't you feel it?
323
00:24:08,980 --> 00:24:14,900
No. I mean, I felt something moving,
but... Oh... Ohh...
324
00:24:14,900 --> 00:24:17,220
Is that what that is?
325
00:24:20,180 --> 00:24:25,700
No Barney,
Jamelia is not a Walt Whitman poem.
326
00:24:25,700 --> 00:24:29,860
This is why you didn't
qualify for The Weakest Link.
327
00:24:33,580 --> 00:24:36,460
Hi!
328
00:24:36,460 --> 00:24:38,140
What do you think of that then? Hah!
329
00:24:41,620 --> 00:24:44,860
What? I've had my lips done.
I think I look beautiful.
330
00:24:44,860 --> 00:24:46,980
What do you think?
331
00:24:46,980 --> 00:24:49,220
You're beautiful anyway.
332
00:24:49,220 --> 00:24:52,460
You hate them, don't you?
You really hate them.
333
00:24:54,300 --> 00:24:56,500
No, to be honest.
334
00:24:56,500 --> 00:24:59,100
No, they're actually quite sexy.
335
00:24:59,100 --> 00:25:00,980
Well, I don't care.
336
00:25:00,980 --> 00:25:02,500
Yeah.
337
00:25:02,500 --> 00:25:04,780
Kissable.
338
00:25:04,780 --> 00:25:07,700
So when did you last test
them out then, kissing wise?
339
00:25:07,700 --> 00:25:09,940
Oh, whenever, I think.
340
00:25:09,940 --> 00:25:12,460
Not that I want to. Do they hurt?
341
00:25:12,460 --> 00:25:15,500
A bit.
342
00:25:15,500 --> 00:25:19,500
So you'd have to be kissed like
really, really gently? Well, yeah.
343
00:25:19,500 --> 00:25:22,860
By someone you knew you well and
would do their best not to hurt you?
344
00:25:22,860 --> 00:25:24,980
It's true. That's very true.
345
00:25:24,980 --> 00:25:28,900
If someone wants to kiss you...
346
00:25:28,900 --> 00:25:33,540
If they kiss me? It would have to
347
00:25:33,540 --> 00:25:39,700
And appreciate that however strong
you were, however well you coped,
348
00:25:39,700 --> 00:25:43,940
You still need
toast bringing you in the morning...
349
00:25:45,500 --> 00:25:48,220
Help finding your keys...
350
00:25:48,220 --> 00:25:50,620
I can never find my keys any more.
351
00:25:52,180 --> 00:25:54,020
They're on the side.
352
00:25:58,820 --> 00:26:03,900
You'll find someone
who can do that, someone who's
got everything you need.
353
00:26:03,900 --> 00:26:06,300
I have. I mean, I will.
354
00:26:11,580 --> 00:26:13,700
Good luck with that then mate.
355
00:26:19,260 --> 00:26:21,740
What's that on your teeth?
356
00:26:28,020 --> 00:26:29,780
Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna.
357
00:26:29,780 --> 00:26:33,460
You knob head.
358
00:26:36,380 --> 00:26:40,620
Imagine not being able
to feel a baby moving.
359
00:26:40,620 --> 00:26:45,540
I can feel something
moving in there if I've merely
eaten one parsnip too many.
360
00:26:45,540 --> 00:26:51,340
I thought it was you. It happens
361
00:26:51,340 --> 00:26:53,020
Yeah. Every time.
362
00:26:53,020 --> 00:26:57,460
That was a really big one though.
So... So...
363
00:26:57,460 --> 00:26:59,060
It likes me?
364
00:26:59,060 --> 00:27:01,300
Must do.
365
00:27:01,300 --> 00:27:05,700
It wants to come out and meet me?
Yeah. I think it does.
366
00:27:05,700 --> 00:27:08,860
Well, I can't wait to meet it. Ah.
367
00:27:08,860 --> 00:27:11,500
I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET YOU!
368
00:27:14,020 --> 00:27:15,980
Jonny... Eh?
369
00:27:15,980 --> 00:27:18,300
That might be sooner than you think.
370
00:27:18,300 --> 00:27:20,620
What?
371
00:27:20,620 --> 00:27:22,540
I think I'm in labour.
372
00:27:22,540 --> 00:27:24,940
What? How can you tell?
373
00:27:26,460 --> 00:27:28,300
Urgh...
374
00:27:31,460 --> 00:27:35,940
Oh my goodness, it's like someone's
opened an umbrella up my arse!
375
00:27:35,940 --> 00:27:40,500
I don't want to argue
about your failings as a lover.
376
00:27:40,500 --> 00:27:42,940
My failings? I'm perfect in bed!
377
00:27:42,940 --> 00:27:46,740
Jonny, help -
the baby's trying to kill me!
378
00:27:46,740 --> 00:27:48,580
I can't believe how
much you've hurt me.
379
00:27:48,580 --> 00:27:50,540
You're a total bitch.
32300
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