Original subtitles

Oh my God, you're Gaz.

Ooee! Baba! Wake up! I only liked you in the first place

Now you're a fat wanker, you've no chance!

She's changed so much. I mean, I'm exactly the same as I always was.

I'm a proper mummy. I'm in the process of creating a nest.

Look, a doily.

After three months of Gazturbation, I'm back in fighting shape.

Does anyone know why? Why what? Why I went into the kitchen.

You were putting the kettle on.

Oh yeah.

There we go, that's the cryptic done.

As long as "sociyog" is a word.

Donna, you're being a slob again.

Now we had that talk, remember.

When you started wearing that Fat Willy's Surf Shack T-shirt.

There was no need for you to burn it. I loved that T-shirt, it smelt like lobster.

Yeah, well, I think you might be slipping back to the Helena Bonham Carter end of the style spectrum.

It's not like I'm looking for a man. And having seen how morbidly obese Gaz has got itself,

it's not like I need to worry about letting myself go, is it? Donna,

A couple of months ago, and he was fat, fat, fat, ha! Well, now he's fit, fit, fit, a-ha!

What do you mean, fit, fit, fit? Last I saw, he was a buffalo,

and I wouldn't have touched his

No, I don't, but it sounds perfectly disgusting, so I'll ignore it.

Janet, has Gaz got all thin again?

Gaz? That's the woman with the yellow hair who sang The Only Way Is Up, isn't it?

I'm going to have to check this out for myself. This is oxtail soup.

Sorry, I'll go and warm it up for you.

Have a feel of that. Eh?

Belting.

You want to see the rest, my number's on the men's room wall. You coming

No, I'll be at the gym, working this fine, fine booty.

I'm quizmaster. First question.

Who is the father of Janet's baby?

Don't you dare. I'm teasing.

First question. Who shagged Janet Keown other than Jonny?

So, how's the pregnancy going?

Terrifying. I'm just not connecting with the kid.

I'm a rubbish dad. And Janet's gone completely stupid.

The Kerry and Brian of Runcorn.

It's normal for women to get a bit dizzy when they're having a baby, especially blonde ones.

How would you know that?

I read it in a pregnancy book.

What, Labour Babes?

Or Happy Nappy Slappers' Baps?

No.

Not yet.

I don't suppose you need to read books, I mean the antenatal classes will fill you in. I've not been.

You have to, you'll be useless! All the other dads will be miles better

They'll be dead pally, and bezzie mates with their wives' uteruses.

Janet's going? It's really important.

On his moped. She can't be going

I think we have established that I do not. It's the rules. No mopeds, no soft cheese, no fish, no eggs.

You just described the worst sandwich ever. If you're so

Me? Yes, you. You having a go at me for my bad parenting does not help.

You taking my whale of a wife for

Oh my God. Gaz looks amazing.

How dare he!

First question, ladies and gentlemen, which Book It executive

wants a tasty portion of raw cock from her ex-boyfriend?

What was I reaching for?

I thought you were trying to do a sit-up.

Crisis. I need to make an effort. I can't have Gaz looking like he's just stepped out of a salon,

when I look like I've just stepped out of a hedge. Hallelujah, she's looked in the mirror!

My tits, I'll get my tits done, I've got the cash. Yeah, we could match.

No, I don't think I'd know what to do with big boobs. I'd be like a kid at Christmas with a new toy.

Just like Christmas, I'd only end up playing with the box.

What do you think, Janet?

Well, I think...

No, it's gone.

My mind is a blank. What am I going to do? How can I bring up a kid when I can't remember anything?

I never used to be like this, I used to read. Delia, Jamie,

What could you do? I could train your brain.

I do have a degree, you know. I could teach you to hold on to information.

Or how to pay graduates to sit exams for you. Thank you.

My lips. I'll get my lips done.

You shouldn't play about with your appearance, D...De...

is it Dave?

It really should be you taking Janet to these antenatal classes, Jonny.

I'm not the dad. That's the thing. I don't feel like the dad.

I don't feel like there'll be a baby here in a couple of weeks.

I wouldn't be surprised if Janet just deflated after all of this. I

I got to listen to its heart on that little leccie stethoscope they've got. Why didn't that make it real?

What did it sound like? It sounded like a little drum, and a big drum.

It can play the drums?

And I got to see it, too.

See, if you squint your eyes, and you look closely, you can see something that looks like an arse.

That's its face.

Oh God, Jonny. I'll take Janet to antenatal, of course I will.

He's gorgeous. Like his dad.

Ta very much.

And how can we help you, Donna? I want my lips doing.

I want to look different, but not too different, so it's not so people notice.

People just say, "My, Donna's looking well, isn't she?"

without somebody else saying, "Oh, I think she's had her lips done."

And then the other person says, "Oh yeah, I wouldn't have noticed

Then the other person says, "I think it looks stupid, and then the other says, "We should avoid her type.

Then the other person says, "Shall

Then the other person says, "Shall we try the new Wetherspoons?"

and then the other person says, "No, you can't smoke at the bar."

Then the other person says, "OK, Barley Mow it is, but I don't want to bump into my ex-husband."

Then the other person says, "Aye, you're not wrong there, best go home and smack us kids about."

At a basic level, I don't want their children to suffer. OK, that's fine.

First off, we need to talk through your reasons why you want this done,

The risks?

Nobody told me about the risks.

What could happen? I don't want to be scarred.

I don't want people to think I've done this out of vanity, because

I don't want people saying in the pub,

"She's right vain, had her lips done," and the other says, "We

Why do you want this done, Donna?

Because Gaz is prettier than me.

I just think bigger lips would help with that.

Are you sure surgery is the answer?

Well, is Prozac the answer?

To be honest, yes. Usually.

Because after my mum died, our GP was really keen for us to go on that.

When I wouldn't have Prozac, he offered diazepam.

When I wouldn't have diazepam, he offered lithium, and when I

I just think he ran out of ideas.

You need to work through this before you even consider altering your face.

Have you tried exercising, and looking at your diet? My diet?

I'm the same weight I've always been.

I can eat what I want, and drink what I want. I am one of those

That was what dear old mum used to say. You could be depressed.

I'd advise you to look after your body, and you'll benefit

Look after myself? Yes.

That's your advice? Yeah.

And I paid 200 quid for this consultation?

Yes, looking at it, it's not very good, is it?

When alarmed, the springbok will stot or pronk.

That is, jump stiff-legged into the air.

What I want to know is how high, Janet? How high?

How am I supposed to know that?

Come on. I've thrown you in at the deep end,

but you have to be able to retain facts if your memory is to improve.

I'll give you a margin of three feet.

OK, 728...no, ..9 foot.

You think a springbok can jump 700ft in the air?

Ah, ah! 729.

It's 12 feet.

Poor Janet.

Poor enormous Janet.

What am I going to do?

This kid needs all the help it can get. Jonny can't help.

He thinks Casablanca was a real place.

What you need is motivation. You need something to aim at.

What about the pub quiz? When is it?

Thursday. At the Archer.

Beat going to antenatal. What do you win? Who cares?

I get my brain back, and baby gets the passive smoke it so craves.

Alright John? Fine.

Hello.

That's Cuddles, isn't it?

No, it's my baby. If I'm taking Janet to antenatal classes, I don't want to look stupid in front of everyone.

They all look stupid.

They just waddle around like ducks and, as we all know, he hates that duck.

I just thought I should be prepared for when I need to be fatherly.

Gaz, it's not your responsibility - you're just driving! You've already said you're not going to the classes

and you're scared of responsibility. How's it going to be when he gets on

Yes. He'll want someone there - we all do.

I suppose.

Someone needs to square up to the other one's dad, and to be

Just because I'm scared doesn't mean... He needs someone to comfort him when he has his scary first wank.

You know, when you think you've broken it.

Well, me dad was the last thing I was thinking of.

Now my sister, that was a different matter.

You don't have a sister. I know - I made her up. She was fit.

And French, as I recall.

Look, I just need you to drive Jonny to class.

I don't need you to take over completely.

Jonny, I just want to help, come on. I can do the things you can't manage.

I'm responsible. Just let it go, come on.

But it's my baby! Mine, mine, mine!

Will you stop spanking my monkey!

1666, 1666!

That's right. Very well done.

If you can remember what happened in 1666 rather than shouting it at me,

Come on, ask me something. Ask me who Charles I's mother was.

Do you know? Yes. It was the Queen, of the time. Easy.

Keep revising, Janet. I will. I'm going to win this pub quiz.

I'm going to be one of those clever mums like Cherie Lunghi QC.

Oh, this is hopeless. Bye.

Bye.

Still thinking of getting your lips done? No, I've decided against it.

I think diet and exercise is probably a better option to get me looking as

No I don't. I don't care what Gaz thinks, don't care what Gaz feels,

don't care about Gaz and his fine, fine booty one little bit. Hiya.

Hiya. Oh, what's up with you?

I was already feeling insecure about this pregnancy thing,

and Gaz has made me think he'll be a better dad. I can't believe him!

He's so out of order thinking he can just run your lives and pass

He's unbelievable! I hate him! I can't believe he's done that!

Um, actually all he really did was bring a monkey. A monkey?

A monkey?

Bastard!

I hate him! Not as much as the monkey hates that duck.

Right, I'm going to go round there and give him hell.

I'm going to smack him in his stupidly gorgeous face and then spit on his wretchedly sexy thighs

and then kick him in his fine, fine booty. I'm doing this for you, Jonny.

Otherwise I'd never want to see his horribly beautiful eyes ever again!

She's completely over him, isn't she?

I bet I can prove you're a good dad.

How's that then? If you talk to the baby.

But that's so embarrassing. What am I supposed to say?

"Hello lickle baby".

I sound stupid. I'm no good at this.

Yes you are. And I know for a fact baby likes being read to.

So you can start with the periodic table, then baby wants to be asked all about the Boer War.

# In the jungle, the quiet jungle

# The lion sleep tonight

# A-eeeeee Um-bum-ba-whey #

All right Donna?

I've not seen you in ages. You look almost as good as me.

I can't believe you're worming your way into Jonny's role to usurp him

What's that got to do with you? I think you've just come down here for a sneaky peak at this fine booty.

No Gaz, even if your booty is indeed fine, as you proclaim,

I'm getting you out of my system as we speak.

If I do what the doctor tells me to do, I'm going to look so good

that your booty is going to be kissing my booty's booty.

What doctor? Are you ill? No.

Well, don't laugh. Donna, I would

not unless it was smelly or painful or inflicted on a celebrity.

I wanted to get my lips done. A-ha-ha!

No way!

You with big massive lips! You'll look stupid!

Mmm... Mmm... Are they for kissing the boys?

No seriously, are they? This is typical. It's bloody typical!

I give you a situation I'm insecure about and you make a joke out of it.

You make fun out of people's insecurity. You laugh at that fellow on the telly with the wooden legs.

That's the Cuprinol wood stain advert - it's a wooden man!

Forget it! I don't care, I'm going. And I'm going to get my lips

Why are you so concerned about what I think? I'm not. I don't care.

Well, why are you all flushed and angry just because I said one stupid little thing? I'm not. I don't care.

And why haven't you stopped thinking about licking my neck since you walked through the door?

I mean...no... Just f...

Look, just because I'm sexually attracted to you... Oh!

Oh, bollocks!

Oh, you're sexually attracted to me?

Next time you see me I'll be a pouting, sensual maiden full of chemicals.

I don't care what you think!

Oh, she care.

She care good.

Test me. I've been revising all weekend. Fine.

A rugby league team has...? 13 players.

Ian Ogilvy was...? The Saint.

Wow, you've really come on.

The national dish of Poland?

Oh... Ah... Oh, something with fish.

Fingers?

This for the pub quiz? Yeah. And I know this one.

Little tip - if you don't know the answer, just say Shirley Williams or Uruguay.

It's always one of the two.

Ah. Enjoy the class. Mwah.

Hello. Hi Gaz. Hi Gaz. Bye Gaz.

Hold on, where's Janet going? Oh, she couldn't make it tonight.

I thought we'd join you instead.

We? Yes.

We.

I found Josie Ann in a skip. Mwah.

Your main competition is from them.

Their expertise is your weakness.

Conversely, their weakness is your expertise.

They know brown ale and facial topiary.

You know what Simon from Blue likes for his tea.

Prawn crackers. Ha, have it!

Right, we need a name for our team.

Something cerebral, something jocular,

something genteel...

The Slags it is.

Now, if everybody's ready, can we all be seated for our opening ceremony?

And that concludes our opening ceremony. We starting?

Woh! Woh!

Sorry. I thought it was like Fun House.

See, this is how I've always held them - firm but gentle.

You're going to make such a great dad.

I don't know.

Woh!

Hey, if you think that was funny, check this out.

I can't think.

I know the answer is in here somewhere, but I just can't think.

Jonny said, if in doubt, the answer is usually Shirley Williams.

That's right. You're a genius!

Hah, take that beardy weirdy!

Although, how did Shirley Williams win the first ever World Cup?

Not sure. Anyway, we're on the home strait now. Just one more question

And this is your final question for the night.

How high to the nearest three feet can a springbok stot or pronk?

That is, how high, ladies and gentlemen, can a springbok...

It seems we've got a draw.

Both John Smith's Hairy Twin and the accurately named The Slags

are both on 40 out of 50 each. Oh no!

Can we get a representative up from each team for the tie break, please?

And The Slags, please don't send the squeaky one -

And John Smith's Hairy Twin, please don't send up anyone I've shagged.

More than once? Who didn't catch anything?

Who I didn't fellate in the cellar?

First person to know the answer, shouts out. No conferring. And no help from the crowd, please.

And I'll see you in the cellar later.

OK, at what stage of pregnancy should a pregnant lady

start to feel the baby move?

Fix! Fix! Fix! Quiet, you!

I have no idea.

I really don't. OK, we'll move on. Next tiebreaker.

Kelly, what was the answer? What?

What was the answer? When do you

Are you sure you're pregnant not just fat?

See, I'm spending quality time with you.

I am a good dad.

Oh Christ, me beer!

I mean, me baby.

Oh, there's no one here - me beer.

Jonny, there's something wrong.

With the baby. Eh? It's not moving.

I've not felt it move for weeks and weeks.

Oh God...I think it's... It's what?

Janet, what's wrong? Oh God, Jonny, this is all my fault. Oh God,

I'm really, really scared.

Hold on. We'll get you out of there.

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to... Ow!

Little bastard just kicked me!

Did it? Yeah, right in the lug hole.

He kicked you? Yeah, didn't you feel it?

No. I mean, I felt something moving, but... Oh... Ohh...

Is that what that is?

No Barney, Jamelia is not a Walt Whitman poem.

This is why you didn't qualify for The Weakest Link.

Hi!

What do you think of that then? Hah!

What? I've had my lips done. I think I look beautiful.

What do you think?

You're beautiful anyway.

You hate them, don't you? You really hate them.

No, to be honest.

No, they're actually quite sexy.

Well, I don't care.

Yeah.

Kissable.

So when did you last test them out then, kissing wise?

Oh, whenever, I think.

Not that I want to. Do they hurt?

A bit.

So you'd have to be kissed like really, really gently? Well, yeah.

By someone you knew you well and would do their best not to hurt you?

It's true. That's very true.

If someone wants to kiss you...

If they kiss me? It would have to

And appreciate that however strong you were, however well you coped,

You still need toast bringing you in the morning...

Help finding your keys...

I can never find my keys any more.

They're on the side.

You'll find someone who can do that, someone who's got everything you need.

I have. I mean, I will.

Good luck with that then mate.

What's that on your teeth?

Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna.

You knob head.

Imagine not being able to feel a baby moving.

I can feel something moving in there if I've merely eaten one parsnip too many.

I thought it was you. It happens

Yeah. Every time.

That was a really big one though. So... So...

It likes me?

Must do.

It wants to come out and meet me? Yeah. I think it does.

Well, I can't wait to meet it. Ah.

I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET YOU!

Jonny... Eh?

That might be sooner than you think.

What?

I think I'm in labour.

What? How can you tell?

Urgh...

Oh my goodness, it's like someone's opened an umbrella up my arse!

I don't want to argue about your failings as a lover.

My failings? I'm perfect in bed!

Jonny, help - the baby's trying to kill me!

I can't believe how much you've hurt me.

You're a total bitch.