Original subtitles

I want to marry you. Let's do it.

This could be the happiest day of my life.

I got community service.

I now pronounce you me wife.

Ever since you shagged my best friend and got her up the duff,

to spend the rest of my life than with a bastard like you.

Jonny?

This book says I'm supposed to have developed a nesting instinct.

I'm supposed to be all clean and anal.

Anal, you say?

You've already tried that one, Jonny, and I've already told you -

the baby won't bite your bell end if you use the correct channels.

Ever since I've been on maternity leave, all I seem to do is waddle

Ooh, crisps!

It's getting really annoying having you about all the time.

Why? Is my blossoming womanhood driving you to distraction?

Yeah, cos you're really fit at the minute, Janet(!)

It's just I had my routine when it was just me.

Get up...fiddle...potter...

dabble...

fidget...

tinker...then bed.

Get a job, then.

And if I haven't developed a nesting instinct, maybe YOU should.

Clean the place up a bit.

OK, now it's me.

Page 32 of Bucket World Quarterly!

"Donna Penshaw, our new executive salesperson, 2 to 5 litre division"!

It's a trade publication, but I can pull strings and get you a copy.

Page 32, that's so glam!

I've got to shift 4,000 buckets by the end of the week.

So how many have you sold so far?

Three.

Technically, one was a sample. And two I just wore as shoes for a laugh.

It's a very high-pressure job, but I'm seeing a client in Bury today

who, I believe, has a very leaky roof.

You don't need to tell me about pressure. My community service is diabolical.

Five little chavettes and all the work's outside.

And January's so cold! I'd rather have gone to prison.

At least in prison they have central heating and lesbians to tease.

So it's hard work, then?

It's not the work that's hard, it's the kiddies.

Sometimes I get the impression they don't like me.

You know, like when I get them to pick up dog mess or bow as I enter the room.

Donna, when you see Gaz, can you

And, actually, I'm a lot hairier.

I won't because I won't see Gaz. I haven't seen him for ages. Not since the wedding.

In fact, I've barely thought about him since I became a career bitch.

It's good that you're concentrating on your career, now that you'll never have a husband or family.

That'll be why Gaz is so depressed.

Gaz depressed?!

Gaz never gets depressed.

He doesn't understand the concept, he thinks Van Gogh was putting it on.

It's funny, really.

What's funny? Depression.

Can't help laughing at it. That's why I became a barmaid.

"Oh, boo-hoo! It's the ninth anniversary of me wife's death." Ha! Funny, men.

MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO

VOICE ON TAPE: 'You can achieve anything you want in your career

You're not wrong there.

'Just visualise succeeding.'

Visualise. Visualise.

CRUNCH!

Oh, yeah! Look what you've done!

This is my company car! They'll kill me. This'll take ages to....

Oh, my God, you're Gaz!

Donna, you look amazing.

Gaz, you look...

healthy.

Since when did YOU drive such a fancy car?

Well, I... What have you done to yourself?

You've... What's the word?

Supersized.

So what are you going to do about this damage? Your insurance will cover it.

MY insurance?!

This is your fat...er, fault.

It's your fault, you're the woman!

I can't believe what's happened. It's horrible.

It's only a bump, I can fix it easily.

I'm not talking about the car.

You wouldn't believe the power I have over the young Janet.

I'm like Fern Cotton, only in human form.

GIRLS LAUGH

Stop that, girls! Stop it!

Stop it!

Er, I'll call you back.

Get her! Ahhh!

So, what job do you think you'd be good at?

I think I'd be good with children.

You'd be useless with children. You've never even held a baby.

Oh, what a lovely sentiment to express to a father-to-be(!)

Our baby doesn't count.

What a lovely sentiment to express from a mother-to-be(!)

They'll cut my wages halfway through maternity. We need to think about this now.

OK, fine. We'll buy the Jobs Pages on the way home.

No! Don't make me go back to that rancid pool of filth.

It's your mess, Janet.

Look, Kelly manages to tidy an entire pub. It's easy.

I hate my life!

Easy-peasy.

What's the matter, Kelly? Pot man's taken leave.

His bloody wife went and died on him.

He'll be so depressed!

There's a job going begging, ask her.

Kelly, can Jonny have the pot man's job?

Well, I'll have to check with Norma, but I reckon so.

You'll have to do some serving as well, cleaning and cellar work.

Wheels...

four.

Windscreen...

that's present.

Bonnet.

Steering wheel...

that's round.

Gaz, I don't have time for this.

I've got to sell 4,000 buckets by the end of the week or I lose my very important job.

We've loads of catching up to do. No, we haven't. I have a new job and you...

appear to have spent the last five months inhaling butter.

I might have filled out a bit but that's your doing. How?

I'm not getting the exercise I used to get shagging you.

Movement of entire body verses movement of right arm. It's simple maths, Donna.

But surely masturbation must burn up some calories?

When you first left, I just couldn't be bothered.

Now I just can't reach.

Can you do the repairs or not?

Yeah, it's not too bad.

I can do it in an hour.

On one condition.

You must be joking.

Go on.

It'll be like old times.

No, it won't.

I never had to worry about being crushed to death in the past.

What happened? Did you get so lonely that you actually ate your entire porn collection?

You didn't?!

Only the ones I'd spilt food on.

I'll be back in one hour. I expect the repairs to be done, got it?

Doesn't know what she's missing.

Oh, God, Munch, are you OK?

I saw Jesus!

Oo-ee! Baba, wake up.

I've tidied up for you.

Oh, Jonny!

Look what I've done.

Janet, you've tidied up! You found your nesting instinct.

Brilliant!

And is that the heavenly scent of forest lingering here and about?

It most certainly is. I'm exhausted. It's taken me ages...

What the hell is that?

I'm sorry, Jonny.

It just seemed like the only option.

You say there's a place for everything and everything in its place. That seemed the best place.

Under the carpet?!

By the time Baba arrives, it will have all mulched down.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

RINGING STOPS

Donna. What a lovely surprise.

Is the Rascal ready? Of course.

I also changed the oil, checked the tyre pressure and valeted the interior.

You didn't have to do that.

I did. After spending all afternoon sniffing the driver's seat.

Got a bit messy.

VOICE ON TAPE: 'You can achieve anything you want in your career

'Just visualise...

'Gaz ..in your mind... Gaz.

'..within your reach. Just grab hold...

'Gaz's knob.'

Gaz, you are an utter twat!

Have you only got to the air bag?

If you press the screen wash, it sprays Eternity, Calvin Klein, directly at your face.

I just want my Bedford Rascal fixed.

I'll never meet my sales target in my very important job.

To cheer you up, why don't I cook us some pasta?

I've got a better idea. Why don't I tie an anvil to your bollocks

I'm siding with the pasta.

Now I'll never sell 4,000 buckets,

I'll lose my job and a fat lot of fat you've been.

Oh, my God, where did you get that pasta?

There we go.

Louise, can you pass us that bacon from behind that cushion?

No! Get yourself a cleaner.

This just isn't healthy, Janet.

We can't afford a cleaner. I can't even afford toilet paper at the moment.

..That's it!

That's brilliant. You're impoverishment makes you an ideal community project.

I could get my girls to come and clean for you. An indoor job,

No, I don't want them. I'm the one who's supposed to do it.

I don't want anyone else doing it for me. Come on, Janet, you can't live like this.

I mean, I didn't want to say but...

what in God's name is that stain?

Oh, that's where me and Jonny... Ah!

What?

I was gonna say that's where we spilt a pot of chocolate mousse. Oh.

Whilst violently shagging. Ugh!

Coming up, one Jonny in a glass.

SHAKER HITS FLOOR

OK, one Jonny on the floor.

GLASS SMASHES

GLASS SMASHES

GLASS SMASHES

Um...I'm making cocktails.

Like in that Tom Cruise film.

Days Of Thunder? I don't remember that bit.

Can you just clean up this mess, please, Jonny? I most certainly can.

Who'd have thought it of me? A husband, father, breadwinner and now cleaning up glass!

I must be the luckiest man alive. Yes, we truly are God's chosen people(!)

I meant to ask you, what do we do about tips?

We don't get them. We must do.

I've seen pubs on the telly. "There you go, duck." "Cheers, duck."

That can't be just duck-related

Later on. I get so giddy, pay day.

I'm so excited.

I could just kick a puppy!

Here's Fat Gaz. I'll get the reinforced stool.

All right, Fat Gaz?

All right.

Oh, oh...! No, we're not playing Laurel and Hardy again.

STOOL SQUEAKS

The usual? Yeah.

It's Donna. I've done everything

I wish I could help you, my round friend, I really do.

Shouldn't there be a glass under that beer?

Yes, there should.

She's changed so much. I'm exactly the same as I always was.

Only very, very fat.

If you want Donna back, just give her what she needs.

She needs a good squashing, if you ask me.

She's so uptight.

If she's tense ask her about her problems,

then pretend to listen whilst furtively looking at her breasts.

Then start to cry, but not so much it looks like you're gay.

Women love all that.

I need to think. What would I want in her situation?

A pie.

No, her career is everything to her. Maybe there's a way I could help with that. That would impress her.

Or... What? Well...

I'D be impressed if you got someone to fire a cannon at your huge girth

and then absorbed the shock. Woo-oh, woo-oh!

Jonny... Yeah? ..you've still not turned that tap off.

DOOR OPENS

Hello. Guess what?

Supervisor says I have met might my sales target.

I've sold 4,000 buckets, I'm a brilliant businesswoman!

Take that, Anita Roddick, you poodle-headed hippy!

Guess what? I think I'm getting my nesting instinct.

I think I wanna wash some... Ooh. Sorry, it was just wind.

DOORBELL

Halt! Await my command.

Single file. Follow my le-e-e-ead.

And halt!

At ease.

Hello, Janet. Donna.

These are my scabby minions.

Right, I'm off to collect my car and give Fat Gaz a piece of my mind.

Thank God you said it.

I've been calling him Fat Gaz inside my head for months.

Louise, I really don't need this.

I'm perfectly capable of tidying up myself.

I just haven't had the urge yet.

You're worse than them with your moaning.

And, yes, I mean YOU, Kylie Phoenix.

Why don't you go for a lovely lie down

and take the weight off those enormous ankles of yours?

Here, wages.

Ooh, ooh!

57 quid?

I think I've been overpaid.

Do I take the moral high ground or the Jonny low ground?

Hold on. I don't get 57 quid for two shifts - and I'm shagging Norma's husband!

..Let me see that.

Maybe I'm just an incredible barman.

An example of goodness, honesty and excellent service.

This is minus 57 quid.

You what? Let me have a look at that.

"For breakages, spillages and general Jonniness."

I can't afford 57 quid.

This is so depressing.

Yeah, it is, innit? Ha!

Is there any way I can recoup my losses? Norma's husband's upstairs.

Maybe I could glue all the bits together and suck the waste back into the pipes.

No, he's not into kinky stuff.

Please.

Just do some work.

I got you an inside job, didn't I?

Come on, this is meant to be fun.

Oh, shut up, Dwarfy!

I can't help it

I eat organic wholesome produce.

The hormone-filled Netto fare you shove down your gullet is obviously giving you a freakish growth spurt.

I'm bored. This place is a shit tip.

You wouldn't be bored if you were cleaning.

Come on. Janet will see all you've done is drink her lager and smoke her fags.

I fancy a pizza. Will you go dig one out the bin for us?

No, I'm not digging food out of a bin like an urban fox.

Although I am a bit of an urban fox.

Look, it's disgusting in here.

There's nothing wrong with it. It's great.

Aside from Dwarfy being here.

My name is not Dwarfy. Shut up, Dwarfy.

Do you really think it's OK?

It's just like your mam's. That was before she gotten taken off

Take one kid off her, nine months later she whacks out another one.

Hey, YOU'LL be able to do that when they take your kid off you.

When they take my...?

I need to clean. You can leave now.

But WE were...! Come on, Dwarfy. We'll buy you a Bacardi Breezer.

You'll buy me?!

So you like me? You finally like me?

If you like. Plus

Right.

I'm going to clean my home with gusto.

And Dettol.

Better be ready this time, Gaz.

She is.

She's ready for you to get on with...whatever your little job is.

My little...?

For your information, I've already met my sales target without the car.

Oh, really. How did you do that?

I proactively identified key growth areas, devised a five-point strategy

and satisfied the demand therein. So, nerr!

Really? It's not because a certain ace bloke did a brilliant thing?

What?

Da-da!

It was ME! I bought the lot.

So I'm not a brilliant businesswoman?

Of course not. You're rubbish!

I have bailed you out.

This totally undermines everything I've...

How could you, Gaz?

I proactively identified key growth areas, devised a five-point strategy based on market trends...

Gaz, this is never going to happen.

I only liked you in the first place cos of what you looked like. Now you're a fat wanker - no chance!

Nothing's says "nesting" like a good doily.

Right, now to tackle the dining area.

DOOR OPENS

Jonny, look, it finally happened.

I'm a proper mummy. I'm in the process of creating a nest.

Look...a doily!

Oh, well done. I've done myself out of my wages so if you wouldn't mind helping us glue these back together.

You'd have thought I'd have emptied the ashtrays before I broke them!

Silly me. Come on, then.

My doily!

What am I gonna do, Munch?

The only way I can lose the fat is by shagging.

No-one will shag me because I'm too fat.

It's one of them situations.

What d'you call them? A shitter.

That's it. There's sports, though, isn't there?

You can do a sport...like badminton or ice hockey, darts.

I'm too fat for darts.

Those men are athletes.

OK, think about something you enjoy doing.

You know, something that makes you happy.

THEME FROM "ROCKY"

Gaz, you're thin again.

..Oh!

After three months of Gazturbation I'm back in fighting shape.

Time, I think, to let Donna know I'm back on the scene.

Ow!

Can you dial for us?

I've broke my wrist.

I never wanna see his horribly beautiful eyes ever again!

# Ha-ee, hoo-hoo-oo Wee-um-bum-ba-weh... #

There's something wrong with the baby. Eh?

Why do you want this done? Because Gaz is prettier than me.

I think it's... It's what?

Janet, what's wrong?