Original subtitles

Any second thoughts? You're pretty young to have a wife and a kid.

Are you nervous? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, with everything that's happened.

Louise Brooks, I'm arresting you on suspicion of incitement to GBH.

It's sweet, she's so worried about my trial.

It's me she's worried about.

Since I forgave her for sleeping with Gaz she's fussed around me.

THEY ROAR

# Eh, Mr Bartender

# Gimme a drink I wanna coal-black glass

# With bubbles in it

# That doesn't mean I can't handle Anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager please

# And a pack of plain please. #

Hiya.

Donna...

Donna, stop it, it tickles.

Donna...

Where did that come from?

Jonny!

Jonny!

Jonny, it's your wedding day.

Ha-ha!

Jonny!

Jonny?

Gaz, stop poking me with it.

Janet! Janet!

Wedding day!

# Here comes the bride And here comes the groom

# And here comes your John Canty

Och, Louise, Janet's not up. Shall we make her breakfast? What says wedding, Alpen or Shreddies?

Toast. Oh, lateral thinking, like it.

I can't believe you're not in the slightest bit concerned about me - it's my trial today.

Oh sorry. But I think Janet's wedding takes priority.

People get married every day.

You don't often see one of your best friends get charged with homicide -

It's not homicide - life on the street.

It will be unless you come to court.

Well, we'll try and nip in before the ceremony, but for now, we've got to get Janet up.

Now, I'll put the toast on and you're on brew duty. There's no point. She's not here.

What, she's just upset, having a lie-in?.

No, I checked when I woke up, you know.

In case she'd taken the EASY way out.

Well, they usually do when they take the EASY way out.

I know. I checked.

We've got to find her. Has she run off because of all the pressure? A lot of brides do.

No, she'll come back when she's hungry. Louise!

The wedding's in three hours!

My trial's in two! I win.

Kelly, have you seen Jonny?

Well, I would tell you, but it's going to cost you, mind.

How much? A fiver.

Have you seen him? No.

Kelly, he's getting married. He was supposed to be with me last night.

Stop worrying. He'll have gone round to see his missus.

Donna's there. I can't barge in and say I've lost a groom - she'll think I'm stupid. She wouldn't.

Tell you what I've heard Donna thinks about you.

It's going to cost you, mind!

How much? A fiver.

So what did you hear? Nothing.

This is terrible. Janet's going to kill me. I've lost her husband.

Calm down, just think, where did you last leave him?

He was chained to a lamp-post naked.

Oh, no...!

He'll still be there.

No, I unchained him last night when I walked home.

It was the least I could do after spending two hours groping him.

D'you really think he'll be at Janet's? Well give her a bell. Yeah.

Use the pub phone. Cheers. It'll cost you mind.

No, Gaz, we haven't seen Jonny or Janet.

Donna's going spare.

Yep, she seems pretty worried, Gaz.

Yep, she's doing that cute thing with her lip, Gaz.

Hold on, Gaz, I'll ask.

Are you wearing the white-laced pants with the heart-shaped cut-out?

Jonny's disappeared, too...

What if they've decided not to get married? What if?! They always do

There's a baby involved now and everyone's feelings...

it's the only thing Janet's ever wanted since she was little.

Yes. That's why there's all those pictures of us dressed up in sheets pretending to be brides.

My God, I thought you were playing Ku Klux Klan.

Oh, is that why you didn't speak to us in school? If you like.

And she made such a fuss last time she was getting married.

She just ran away. What if that's happened again?

Well, it's her decision. Don't you get it?!

If they don't get married today, everything could just go tits up.

Jonny will want to know why. He'll find out about Gaz and Janet and

Yes, yes! You're getting hysterical!

Need a slap?

No!

It's just that this year, my life's been a big bag of fish heads.

I can't cope any more. Oh.

Still can't tempt you with that slap?

We've got to find them.

We got to get them married.

Donna, they're bound to turn up in the end.

Just calm down and get dressed. No!

I've got to find them.

I've got to phone Gaz.

OK. I'm off.

It's my only option - teaming up with the man I most despise.

No, it's not. Your car's right outside.

You could just drive round looking for them on your own. No.

I have to phone Gaz.

Or, you could phone round the parents and friends first.

I hate him. And now I have to phone him.

Or you could give Janet's mobile a bell - that'd be the easiest thing.

Well... But... No. My only option...

my only way of finding Janet and ending this torment,

though it hurts me immeasurably to say - is to call GAZ!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh! Ow!

Ow! What happened?

Where are we?

We're in a truck. What did we do last night?

Don't you know?! I thought you weren't drinking! I wasn't!

I went to bed at a reasonable hour.

I always sleep very heavy now, don't I? Don't panic!

We may be inside a truck, inside our living room.

I don't remember anything. I'm starting to remember.

I was tied to a lamppost. Yeah.

And as I was being molested,

I thought to myself, why don't I give Janet the wedding she really wants?

In a truck?

Full of crabs!

Yeah, well, it wouldn't make much sense now, would it?

Where are we? So, I came home...

Where are we, Jonny? I couldn't wake you up.

So I poked you in the eye...

Yeah?

Yeah. I woke you up and said, "Here, have some vodka. It's five months since you've had a drink.

"It won't hurt the baby this once." And as the bottle was RIPPED from my hands,

I formulated a plan.

An elaborate, yet time-conserving plan.

A plan?

Yes.

Which I've now forgotten.

Why do I do things when I'm drunk? You should stop me.

I should've learned from when I brought that otter home.

Yes, Jonny, I would have stopped you, only me and the baby had

I can't believe you dressed me in my wedding dress?

Oh, that was your idea. Ours was the kebab.

Donna?

DOOR SLAMS

Hello, Gaz. They're not here, they're not at mine and they're not answering their mobiles.

OK. So, no "Hello, Donna". You never could say hello, could you? Just one of the things I hate about you.

I can say "hello". I've said it twice this morning.

Once to the postman and once when I was singing along to Lionel Richie.

And you're so belligerent.

I'm not belligerent. I'm English.

I don't know what's got into you. The same thing always gets into me

Would I be right in thinking sex to the power of three?

No, HATE! I HATE you!

You're the only one who can help me find them pair.

Why couldn't you look on your own?

What? I'll tell you why - sex cubed.

That's ridiculous. I need you here because you know Jonny's hideouts.

We haven't got a secret den with "no girls" on the door.

Yes you do. It's behind the garage.

Yes, well, he won't be there.

His mum needed the curtains back and we just lost interest.

So you'll help me.

All right, but you must be nice to me.

You slept with my best mate. Uh-uh! That's not nice.

Come on, let's go.

You know you look really pretty today, Donna.

What?

Janet picked out the dress. It's OK, thank you.

No, it really brings out your tits!

I HATE you!

BANGING FROM INSIDE TRUCK

We're trapped...

in a truck!

The one with crabs in!

What? It's best to be specific.

We could be in a warehouse full of trucks - each one carrying a different crustacean.

It's no use. No one can hear us.

Are you thinking we're going to run out of air and die?

I don't know, Jonny. Yes!

You can have my air.

Have you had a bite of crab?

No. We did do another thing last night that'd explain the smell on my breath.

ENGINE RUMBLE

Wha...? We're moving!

Oh, my God! We could end up anywhere.

Quick, bang on the back of the cab. The driver could hear you.

FAINT KNOCKING

I said "cab"!

And as you can see,

I've been doing a lot of good work generally.

And you have no previous convictions?

Mr Keo himself has written to exonerate your character.

Yep. I helped with that - the typing, the wording, the kisses at the end.

And your psychotherapist has recommended a non-custodial sentence.

And I haven't got anybody shot for AGES!

And I bought a lovely pair of slouch boots.

Yes. So, from the professional recommendations,

I think that, um, we can surmise

that this was just an act of supreme stupidity.

What!

You know what?

I could get used to this.

I say we have a bash at living here. See how things pan out like.

We've been driving for ages.

Try shouting again. No! Why not?

Because he might be a murderer.

He finds a young couple in the back of his van eating crab and swigging his booze. Eh?

He rips open the back doors, rolls us in a carpet

and casts us from the highest tower into a river of molten lava.

It was on Sinbad!

What are the odds of him being a murderer?

What are the odds of us waking up in a truck on our wedding day?

I'd say 50/50.

We'll just have to wait.

Let's play a game. I don't want to. I want to be at our wedding!

Well, come on, it will pass the time.

Fine, what do you want to play?

Oh, I know, asylum-seeker.

You get under the crates and hide, and if I find you, I shout "deported" and I win.

Oh, my God. Do you know what? What? I've just realised something.

These crates - crab, champagne...

baked beans -

this is our wedding breakfast.

My elaborate, yet time-conserving, plan.

AIR BRAKES HISS

How DARE you call me STUPID when I'm the only one of my friends with a degree -

in sociology!

I know the difference between men and women.

But it was your fault that Mr Keo got shot.

I'm NOT admitting I'm STUPID!

You're STUPID!

Then I'm sorry, Miss Brooks,

it looks as if we shall have to penalise you to a greater

Oh!

The driver's not coming back, is he?

Jonny, you know what...?

This wasn't ever meant to happen, was it?

Don't say that. Well, it's true.

We keep proposing, splitting up, re-proposing, ending up in a truck.

Now, that's only happened once.

Next time it could be

See how much fun I am to be with. Don't get angry, please!

I'm not angry. I'm just...sad.

Can't you see, we just weren't ever meant to be married and I think I know why.

No, you don't. You don't know anything.

You're stupid, shut up.

Look, Janet, we will get married, it just won't be... Jonny...

I need to tell you something.

I don't want to hear. Last time you said, "I'm not in love with you any more."

No, it's not that. I love you more than anything.

I think that God is punishing me by not letting me marry you...

because of this.

Oh.

Your kebab juice only makes me love you more.

Interestingly, not the first time I've used that sentence.

No!

It's too horrible. You shouldn't even want to marry me, Jonny. I'm a horrible person.

Oh, thanks very much. What?

It's a bit of an insult to me, isn't it?

I want to marry this horrible person - ergo I'm horrible by proxy.

Like when Chris dragged Billy down to his level.

No, you're too good for me.

No, I'm not. I'm just as rubbish.

You're hormonal cos of our baby.

No! JANET, there is nothing you could say to stop me marrying you!

Unless like... you'd slept with Gazza or something.

Sorry, hormones.

Kelly, have you seen Janet?

Yeah, loads of times. She's always in here.

Today, have you seen her today?

No!

Hold on. Is that her?

This is hopeless. We're never going to find her. They've gone.

Another thing I've lost. It's all ruined. You've still got me.

You BLEW IT, Gaz!

There's NO WAY in eight thousand, million, billion years you've got a chance with me!

What about after that?.

No! What if I was the last man alive?

Not even then. That's fair enough.

Cos, if I was the last man alive, I'd be knocking on Rachel Stevens door!

Good.

What about if we were stranded on a desert island together?

Well, let me think... No! If we were on a desert island,

I'd make myself a raft and paddle as far away from you as I possibly could.

You wouldn't make a raft. You're no good with joinery. I'd steel all your Rawlplugs.

I'd live on the other side of the island. The island's only 8ft across.

I'd face out to sea and ignore you.

What if I caught you a fish? Would you talk to me?

What kind of fish? A big fish.

I might look... NO!

But where can they be? Well, time's getting on.

If they're getting married, they'll be at the town hall.

If they're not there, then that's it.

Everything's come to an end - no more Janet and Jonny, no more Donna and Gaz.

My mum's dead.

I have UGLY shoes. Everything about my life has come to an end.

Don't say that, Donna! Well thanks,

No, I just can't stand the sound of your voice!

I'd do anything to get their names on that wedding certificate by the end of the day. Anything.

Anything?

Help!

What if I'd murdered someone?

Plenty of people are murderers - doesn't mean they don't make great wives.

I'd marry Fred West if he whipped up an omelette as good as yours!

What if I'd robbed a post office?

Bring on the stamps.

Well I haven't. I haven't done anything as bad as that.

I've told you, the only thing that'd stop me marrying you is if you'd slept with my best mate.

And frankly, you ain't exactly Gaz's type.

What? What's wrong with me?!

Nothing. You're good enough for me, anyway. But, I'm less choosy.

The girlfriend before I met you, for example.

The one that didn't exist?

That's the girl, Henrietta.

I went out with her for a long time. And the one before that.

With the eye patch?

If you looked beyond her piratey exterior,

she was...she was very random.

So, you don't think that I could get Gaz?

Janet, Gaz wouldn't be interested in you for hundreds of reasons.

I can give you two excellent ones why he would.

Yeah, but you broke those walkie-talkies ages ago!

So, what if I was to tell you that I'd slept with Gaz?

I'd say, "ha," and then, "ha," and then I'd chuckle lightly.

Jonny,

I slept with Gaz.

Ha! Ha!

Oo-oo-oo-ooh.

I want YOU, Janet. I want to be your husband.

Even though I just said I'd slept with Gaz?

Whatever it is, I don't care.

You little, bizarre hormone-filled kebab-stink woman.

I want to marry YOU.

Then let's do it, now!

How? Where are we? We'll never get to the registry office.

We'll write our own vows.

We'll just do it here. Just me and you, and THAT crab over there.

Where are they? They're supposed to be here by now?

They can get married any time. It's not their final chance.

It is, Gaz, if their names don't go on that wedding certificate

I'll sort it, Donna.

I'll do anything to make that happen. Donna!

This could be the happiest day of my life. I got community service.

I thought you were getting a fine?

Community service is much worse.

They've put me in charge of teenage girls. It'll be like school again.

You know, when I was a bully, eh?

So, they punish you for nearly committing murder by putting you in charge of children? What can I say?

The law is an ass. Where's Janet?

I need to tell her the good news.

Are you ready?

What for?

Janet Smith? That's her.

I told you I'd sort it.

He's just like a registrar -

only you can souffle him afterwards.

Go on, then. You go first. OK then.

You didn't learn them? There's a lot to say.

Oh, I suppose there is. Go ahead, then.

Go ahead, then?! I don't think the crab wouldn't appreciate you saying that in a place of worship.

Sorry.

Please proceed.

That's a bit too formal.

Jonny, my dear, dear Jonny, do us your vows.

A-hem...Janet...

Yes.

..Janet, I've known you for AGES, longer than I've known, ooh, let's say Kelly.

Kelly's in our wedding vows?!

And having known you

as a woman in bed, having sex...

I have thus babbied you up.

Thus, we are getting wed

Jonny!

There's more.

And thus, Jonny has begat a baby with you - thus Janet.

And so, by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you me wife.

You may kiss me face.

Mwah!

That was beautiful. My turn.

I can't believe we're doing this!

We've got to get their names on that certificate. But we're not them. We'll get caught. No we won't.

Think about it. This is the best present you could get for Janet.

You've not exactly been a good friend recently, have you? Oh, you're so dead!

Jonny. Janet. Louise.

Hi.

I believe you've written your own vows?

Oh, you're dead twice!

Did you say dead nice or dead twice?

Just checking.

It's a poem. Does it rhyme?

Of course. Who do you think I am - E Cummings?

Who?

He's a poet. I've been robbing bits off of people -

mostly Daniel Bedingfield.

OK. Go on, then. OK, it's in three parts.

Stanza one - limerick.

Cool!

There once was a young man named John... E. What?

John-E. You never call me John.

Yes, but not much rhymes with Jonny.

Bonny was about all I could come up with and hey nonny nonny.

But I thought that was rather derivative. OK.

There once was a young man named John,

who I loved very much like a swan. A swan?

He had dark-brown hair and he growled like a bear

and then for his tea he had scone...s.

Spoke to me that did, love.

OK. Stanza two - the epic poem. It's a haiku.

Ooh.

One, two, three, four, five.

One, two, three, four, five, six, se...

ven - one, two, three, four.

And no matter what happened, is happening, or will happen in the future,

I promise I'm going to be there.

Every time you turn around I'll be there...

waving...

simply waving -

like this.

My darling husband-to-be...

..ever since you shagged my best

I can think of no better way to spend my life than with a BASTARD like you.

What we had, you stamped on,

then did a shit on, then stamped on again and gave me your shoes.

And for this I thank you, my darling.

And so, I believe, we'll unite as people who both HATE Gaz Wilkinson!

That man, Gaz Wilkinson, who is RUBBISH in bed.

That man, Gaz Wilkinson, who owns a Hanson album.

That man, Gaz Wilkinson, who has a birthmark

in the shape of another man's penis directly over his bum hole.

Is everything OK?

They're very much in love.

They're both just a bit SPECIAL.

So, Mrs Keo...

THEY GIGGLE

..Mrs Keo.

Say it again, just one more time.

Mrs Keo.

No, it wasn't as good that time.

What shall we do now then, Mrs Keo?

Oh, yeah, still got it.

THUD, CLICK

Oh!

OK, hold that a little higher and squeeze together.

Can we get a little smile from the blushing bride?

It's the town hall! Yeah! Janet!

It's my name.

What happened to you? We got married.

So did we, look!

What? Well, me Janet and he Jonny got married.

Yeah, but we missed it. No, we didn't miss anything at all.

See, in the eyes of the law me Janet and he Jonny got married, see. Oh, my God!

Donna, did you...?

Thank you.

This truly was the happiest day of my life.

Me too. Me too. Me too! Don't even think about it twatbag!

OK.

CHEESE!

SHUTTER CLICKS

Look what you've done to my Rascal!

Oh, my God, you're Gaz!

I had a routine when it was just me.

Well, get a job.

Can Jonny have the job?

Ooh-ee!

Baba, wake up!

THUD