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1
00:00:02,100 --> 00:00:05,540
Any second thoughts? You're pretty
young to have a wife and a kid.
2
00:00:05,540 --> 00:00:07,780
Are you nervous? Oh, yeah.
3
00:00:07,780 --> 00:00:10,260
Yeah,
with everything that's happened.
4
00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:14,140
Louise Brooks, I'm arresting you
on suspicion of incitement to GBH.
5
00:00:14,140 --> 00:00:17,180
It's sweet,
she's so worried about my trial.
6
00:00:17,180 --> 00:00:18,980
It's me she's worried about.
7
00:00:18,980 --> 00:00:22,460
Since I forgave her for sleeping
with Gaz she's fussed around me.
8
00:00:22,460 --> 00:00:24,500
THEY ROAR
9
00:00:32,260 --> 00:00:33,900
# Eh, Mr Bartender
10
00:00:33,900 --> 00:00:37,140
# Gimme a drink
I wanna coal-black glass
11
00:00:37,140 --> 00:00:39,020
# With bubbles in it
12
00:00:41,100 --> 00:00:44,940
# That doesn't mean I can't handle
Anything stronger now
13
00:00:44,940 --> 00:00:46,700
# Just think I'll wait a while
14
00:00:46,700 --> 00:00:50,220
# I'll have a pint of lager please
15
00:00:51,700 --> 00:00:54,540
# And a pack of plain please. #
16
00:00:58,260 --> 00:00:59,900
Hiya.
17
00:01:00,980 --> 00:01:02,700
Donna...
18
00:01:02,700 --> 00:01:05,060
Donna, stop it, it tickles.
19
00:01:06,260 --> 00:01:07,780
Donna...
20
00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:17,300
Where did that come from?
21
00:01:17,300 --> 00:01:19,020
Jonny!
22
00:01:19,020 --> 00:01:20,660
Jonny!
23
00:01:20,660 --> 00:01:23,060
Jonny, it's your wedding day.
24
00:01:23,060 --> 00:01:24,580
Ha-ha!
25
00:01:24,580 --> 00:01:26,180
Jonny!
26
00:01:29,860 --> 00:01:32,100
Jonny?
27
00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:41,220
Gaz, stop poking me with it.
28
00:01:50,820 --> 00:01:54,540
Janet! Janet!
29
00:01:54,540 --> 00:01:56,300
Wedding day!
30
00:01:56,300 --> 00:02:00,020
# Here comes the bride
And here comes the groom
31
00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:04,340
# And here comes your John Canty
32
00:02:04,340 --> 00:02:09,180
Och, Louise, Janet's not up. Shall
we make her breakfast? What says
wedding, Alpen or Shreddies?
33
00:02:09,180 --> 00:02:12,580
Toast. Oh, lateral thinking, like it.
34
00:02:12,580 --> 00:02:17,340
I can't believe you're not in
the slightest bit concerned
about me - it's my trial today.
35
00:02:17,340 --> 00:02:21,620
Oh sorry. But I think
Janet's wedding takes priority.
36
00:02:21,620 --> 00:02:23,300
People get married every day.
37
00:02:23,300 --> 00:02:28,380
You don't often see one of your best
friends get charged with homicide -
38
00:02:28,380 --> 00:02:30,620
It's not homicide -
life on the street.
39
00:02:30,620 --> 00:02:32,580
It will be unless you come to court.
40
00:02:32,580 --> 00:02:37,460
Well, we'll try and nip in before
the ceremony, but for now,
we've got to get Janet up.
41
00:02:37,460 --> 00:02:42,180
Now, I'll put the toast on
and you're on brew duty.
There's no point. She's not here.
42
00:02:42,180 --> 00:02:44,620
What, she's just upset,
having a lie-in?.
43
00:02:44,620 --> 00:02:47,300
No,
I checked when I woke up, you know.
44
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:51,900
In case she'd taken the EASY way out.
45
00:02:51,900 --> 00:02:55,620
Well, they usually do
when they take the EASY way out.
46
00:02:55,620 --> 00:02:57,460
I know. I checked.
47
00:02:57,460 --> 00:03:02,140
We've got to find her. Has she
run off because of all the pressure?
A lot of brides do.
48
00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:05,460
No, she'll come back when she's
hungry. Louise!
49
00:03:05,460 --> 00:03:07,540
The wedding's in three hours!
50
00:03:07,540 --> 00:03:09,900
My trial's in two! I win.
51
00:03:18,260 --> 00:03:20,900
Kelly, have you seen Jonny?
52
00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:23,980
Well, I would tell you,
but it's going to cost you, mind.
53
00:03:23,980 --> 00:03:26,220
How much? A fiver.
54
00:03:32,220 --> 00:03:35,460
Have you seen him? No.
55
00:03:35,460 --> 00:03:39,340
Kelly, he's getting married. He was
supposed to be with me last night.
56
00:03:39,340 --> 00:03:42,380
Stop worrying. He'll have gone round
to see his missus.
57
00:03:42,380 --> 00:03:47,500
Donna's there. I can't barge in and
say I've lost a groom - she'll
think I'm stupid. She wouldn't.
58
00:03:47,500 --> 00:03:50,660
Tell you what
I've heard Donna thinks about you.
59
00:03:50,660 --> 00:03:52,780
It's going to cost you, mind!
60
00:03:53,820 --> 00:03:55,860
How much? A fiver.
61
00:04:11,060 --> 00:04:13,420
So what did you hear? Nothing.
62
00:04:15,140 --> 00:04:18,660
This is terrible. Janet's going
to kill me. I've lost her husband.
63
00:04:18,660 --> 00:04:22,620
Calm down, just think,
where did you last leave him?
64
00:04:22,620 --> 00:04:25,060
He was chained to a lamp-post naked.
65
00:04:25,060 --> 00:04:26,580
Oh, no...!
66
00:04:26,580 --> 00:04:29,180
He'll still be there.
67
00:04:30,180 --> 00:04:33,060
No, I unchained him last
night when I walked home.
68
00:04:33,060 --> 00:04:37,300
It was the least I could do after
spending two hours groping him.
69
00:04:37,300 --> 00:04:41,580
D'you really think he'll be at
Janet's? Well give her a bell. Yeah.
70
00:04:41,580 --> 00:04:44,100
Use the pub phone. Cheers.
It'll cost you mind.
71
00:04:52,260 --> 00:04:55,860
No, Gaz,
we haven't seen Jonny or Janet.
72
00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:58,140
Donna's going spare.
73
00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:02,780
Yep, she seems pretty worried, Gaz.
74
00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:06,060
Yep, she's doing
that cute thing with her lip, Gaz.
75
00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:09,540
Hold on, Gaz, I'll ask.
76
00:05:09,540 --> 00:05:13,700
Are you wearing the white-laced
pants with the heart-shaped cut-out?
77
00:05:15,700 --> 00:05:17,860
Jonny's disappeared, too...
78
00:05:17,860 --> 00:05:24,220
What if they've decided not to get
married? What if?! They always do
79
00:05:24,220 --> 00:05:28,100
There's a baby involved
now and everyone's feelings...
80
00:05:28,100 --> 00:05:32,180
it's the only thing Janet's ever
wanted since she was little.
81
00:05:32,180 --> 00:05:37,140
Yes. That's why there's all
those pictures of us dressed up
in sheets pretending to be brides.
82
00:05:37,140 --> 00:05:41,060
My God, I thought
you were playing Ku Klux Klan.
83
00:05:44,180 --> 00:05:47,420
Oh, is that why you didn't speak
to us in school? If you like.
84
00:05:48,420 --> 00:05:51,620
And she made such a fuss last
time she was getting married.
85
00:05:51,620 --> 00:05:54,220
She just ran away.
What if that's happened again?
86
00:05:54,220 --> 00:05:57,260
Well, it's her decision.
Don't you get it?!
87
00:05:57,260 --> 00:06:01,220
If they don't get married today,
everything could just go tits up.
88
00:06:01,220 --> 00:06:06,700
Jonny will want to know why. He'll
find out about Gaz and Janet and
89
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,820
Yes, yes! You're getting hysterical!
90
00:06:08,820 --> 00:06:10,380
Need a slap?
91
00:06:10,380 --> 00:06:12,780
No!
92
00:06:12,780 --> 00:06:17,020
It's just that this year, my life's
been a big bag of fish heads.
93
00:06:17,020 --> 00:06:19,700
I can't cope any more. Oh.
94
00:06:19,700 --> 00:06:22,700
Still can't tempt you
with that slap?
95
00:06:22,700 --> 00:06:24,380
We've got to find them.
96
00:06:24,380 --> 00:06:26,300
We got to get them married.
97
00:06:26,300 --> 00:06:28,740
Donna,
they're bound to turn up in the end.
98
00:06:28,740 --> 00:06:31,820
Just calm down and get dressed. No!
99
00:06:31,820 --> 00:06:33,940
I've got to find them.
100
00:06:33,940 --> 00:06:36,300
I've got to phone Gaz.
101
00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:38,060
OK. I'm off.
102
00:06:39,060 --> 00:06:43,140
It's my only option - teaming
up with the man I most despise.
103
00:06:44,140 --> 00:06:46,380
No, it's not.
Your car's right outside.
104
00:06:46,380 --> 00:06:49,580
You could just drive round
looking for them on your own. No.
105
00:06:49,580 --> 00:06:52,140
I have to phone Gaz.
106
00:06:53,540 --> 00:06:57,100
Or, you could phone round
the parents and friends first.
107
00:06:57,100 --> 00:07:00,460
I hate him.
And now I have to phone him.
108
00:07:01,460 --> 00:07:05,220
Or you could give Janet's mobile a
bell - that'd be the easiest thing.
109
00:07:05,220 --> 00:07:07,580
Well... But... No. My only option...
110
00:07:08,580 --> 00:07:12,180
my only way of finding Janet
and ending this torment,
111
00:07:12,180 --> 00:07:17,060
though it hurts me immeasurably
to say - is to call GAZ!
112
00:07:25,220 --> 00:07:27,380
Oh, my God!
113
00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:28,940
Oh, my God!
114
00:07:30,780 --> 00:07:32,300
Oh! Ow!
115
00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:34,460
Ow! What happened?
116
00:07:34,460 --> 00:07:36,300
Where are we?
117
00:07:39,620 --> 00:07:43,380
We're in a truck.
What did we do last night?
118
00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:47,260
Don't you know?! I thought
you weren't drinking! I wasn't!
119
00:07:47,260 --> 00:07:49,020
I went to bed at a reasonable hour.
120
00:07:49,020 --> 00:07:51,940
I always sleep very heavy
now, don't I? Don't panic!
121
00:07:51,940 --> 00:07:56,620
We may be inside a truck,
inside our living room.
122
00:07:59,180 --> 00:08:03,260
I don't remember anything.
I'm starting to remember.
123
00:08:03,260 --> 00:08:06,300
I was tied to a lamppost. Yeah.
124
00:08:06,300 --> 00:08:08,580
And as I was being molested,
125
00:08:08,580 --> 00:08:12,500
I thought to myself,
why don't I give Janet the
wedding she really wants?
126
00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:14,940
In a truck?
127
00:08:14,940 --> 00:08:16,980
Full of crabs!
128
00:08:16,980 --> 00:08:20,140
Yeah, well, it wouldn't make
much sense now, would it?
129
00:08:20,140 --> 00:08:22,780
Where are we? So, I came home...
130
00:08:22,780 --> 00:08:25,500
Where are we, Jonny?
I couldn't wake you up.
131
00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:27,300
So I poked you in the eye...
132
00:08:28,580 --> 00:08:30,100
Yeah?
133
00:08:30,140 --> 00:08:35,580
Yeah. I woke you up and said,
"Here, have some vodka. It's five
months since you've had a drink.
134
00:08:35,580 --> 00:08:40,860
"It won't hurt the baby this
once." And as the bottle
was RIPPED from my hands,
135
00:08:40,860 --> 00:08:43,300
I formulated a plan.
136
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:45,860
An elaborate,
yet time-conserving plan.
137
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,460
A plan?
138
00:08:48,460 --> 00:08:50,340
Yes.
139
00:08:50,340 --> 00:08:52,300
Which I've now forgotten.
140
00:08:54,180 --> 00:08:56,820
Why do I do things when I'm drunk?
You should stop me.
141
00:08:56,820 --> 00:08:59,900
I should've learned from when
I brought that otter home.
142
00:08:59,900 --> 00:09:05,020
Yes, Jonny, I would have stopped
you, only me and the baby had
143
00:09:05,020 --> 00:09:08,020
I can't believe you dressed me
in my wedding dress?
144
00:09:08,020 --> 00:09:10,900
Oh, that was your idea.
Ours was the kebab.
145
00:09:14,660 --> 00:09:17,060
Donna?
146
00:09:18,060 --> 00:09:20,420
DOOR SLAMS
147
00:09:20,420 --> 00:09:25,260
Hello, Gaz. They're not here,
they're not at mine and
they're not answering their mobiles.
148
00:09:25,260 --> 00:09:30,820
OK. So, no "Hello, Donna". You never
could say hello, could you? Just one
of the things I hate about you.
149
00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:33,580
I can say "hello".
I've said it twice this morning.
150
00:09:33,580 --> 00:09:37,220
Once to the postman and once when I
was singing along to Lionel Richie.
151
00:09:40,420 --> 00:09:42,260
And you're so belligerent.
152
00:09:42,260 --> 00:09:45,660
I'm not belligerent. I'm English.
153
00:09:47,580 --> 00:09:51,620
I don't know what's got into you.
The same thing always gets into me
154
00:09:51,620 --> 00:09:55,620
Would I be right in thinking
sex to the power of three?
155
00:09:55,620 --> 00:09:58,540
No, HATE! I HATE you!
156
00:09:58,540 --> 00:10:01,780
You're the only one who
can help me find them pair.
157
00:10:01,780 --> 00:10:03,740
Why couldn't you look on your own?
158
00:10:03,740 --> 00:10:08,060
What? I'll tell you why - sex cubed.
159
00:10:09,340 --> 00:10:13,380
That's ridiculous. I need you here
because you know Jonny's hideouts.
160
00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:17,300
We haven't got a secret den
with "no girls" on the door.
161
00:10:17,300 --> 00:10:20,420
Yes you do. It's behind the garage.
162
00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:22,740
Yes, well, he won't be there.
163
00:10:22,740 --> 00:10:26,140
His mum needed the curtains
back and we just lost interest.
164
00:10:26,140 --> 00:10:27,700
So you'll help me.
165
00:10:27,700 --> 00:10:29,780
All right, but you must be nice
to me.
166
00:10:31,300 --> 00:10:34,940
You slept with my best mate.
Uh-uh! That's not nice.
167
00:10:34,940 --> 00:10:36,700
Come on, let's go.
168
00:10:36,700 --> 00:10:39,460
You know you look
really pretty today, Donna.
169
00:10:39,460 --> 00:10:40,980
What?
170
00:10:42,740 --> 00:10:45,380
Janet picked out the dress.
It's OK, thank you.
171
00:10:45,380 --> 00:10:47,860
No, it really brings out your tits!
172
00:10:51,340 --> 00:10:53,020
I HATE you!
173
00:10:56,140 --> 00:10:58,780
BANGING FROM INSIDE TRUCK
174
00:10:58,780 --> 00:11:00,620
We're trapped...
175
00:11:00,620 --> 00:11:02,340
in a truck!
176
00:11:03,460 --> 00:11:05,340
The one with crabs in!
177
00:11:08,740 --> 00:11:11,580
What? It's best to be specific.
178
00:11:11,580 --> 00:11:16,180
We could be in a warehouse
full of trucks - each one carrying
a different crustacean.
179
00:11:16,180 --> 00:11:19,660
It's no use. No one can hear us.
180
00:11:23,540 --> 00:11:26,580
Are you thinking we're going
to run out of air and die?
181
00:11:28,100 --> 00:11:30,740
I don't know, Jonny. Yes!
182
00:11:30,740 --> 00:11:32,580
You can have my air.
183
00:11:35,900 --> 00:11:38,100
Have you had a bite of crab?
184
00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:42,140
No. We did do another thing
last night that'd explain
the smell on my breath.
185
00:11:42,140 --> 00:11:44,100
ENGINE RUMBLE
186
00:11:44,100 --> 00:11:45,780
Wha...? We're moving!
187
00:11:45,780 --> 00:11:48,020
Oh, my God!
We could end up anywhere.
188
00:11:48,020 --> 00:11:51,100
Quick, bang on the back of the cab.
The driver could hear you.
189
00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:54,100
FAINT KNOCKING
190
00:11:59,420 --> 00:12:01,020
I said "cab"!
191
00:12:05,860 --> 00:12:08,420
And as you can see,
192
00:12:08,420 --> 00:12:11,500
I've been doing
a lot of good work generally.
193
00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:13,780
And you have
no previous convictions?
194
00:12:13,780 --> 00:12:18,340
Mr Keo himself has written
to exonerate your character.
195
00:12:18,340 --> 00:12:23,620
Yep. I helped with that - the typing,
the wording, the kisses at the end.
196
00:12:23,620 --> 00:12:28,060
And your psychotherapist
has recommended
a non-custodial sentence.
197
00:12:28,060 --> 00:12:30,820
And I haven't got anybody shot
for AGES!
198
00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:35,060
And I bought a lovely pair of
slouch boots.
199
00:12:36,820 --> 00:12:42,340
Yes. So, from the
professional recommendations,
200
00:12:42,340 --> 00:12:44,420
I think that, um, we can surmise
201
00:12:44,420 --> 00:12:47,620
that this was just an act
of supreme stupidity.
202
00:12:47,620 --> 00:12:50,220
What!
203
00:12:56,940 --> 00:12:59,180
You know what?
204
00:12:59,180 --> 00:13:01,820
I could get used to this.
205
00:13:01,820 --> 00:13:05,740
I say we have a bash at living here.
See how things pan out like.
206
00:13:05,740 --> 00:13:07,740
We've been driving for ages.
207
00:13:07,740 --> 00:13:11,620
Try shouting again. No! Why not?
208
00:13:11,620 --> 00:13:13,460
Because he might be a murderer.
209
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:17,780
He finds a young couple
in the back of his van eating crab
and swigging his booze. Eh?
210
00:13:17,780 --> 00:13:20,540
He rips open the back doors,
rolls us in a carpet
211
00:13:20,540 --> 00:13:24,220
and casts us from the highest tower
into a river of molten lava.
212
00:13:25,660 --> 00:13:28,500
It was on Sinbad!
213
00:13:28,500 --> 00:13:31,180
What are the odds of him being
a murderer?
214
00:13:31,180 --> 00:13:34,500
What are the odds of us waking
up in a truck on our wedding day?
215
00:13:34,500 --> 00:13:36,700
I'd say 50/50.
216
00:13:36,700 --> 00:13:39,380
We'll just have to wait.
217
00:13:39,380 --> 00:13:43,380
Let's play a game. I don't want to.
I want to be at our wedding!
218
00:13:43,380 --> 00:13:46,140
Well, come on, it will pass the
time.
219
00:13:46,140 --> 00:13:47,700
Fine, what do you want to play?
220
00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:50,940
Oh, I know, asylum-seeker.
221
00:13:53,380 --> 00:13:57,780
You get under the crates and hide,
and if I find you,
I shout "deported" and I win.
222
00:14:00,820 --> 00:14:06,100
Oh, my God. Do you know what? What?
I've just realised something.
223
00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:10,260
These crates -
crab, champagne...
224
00:14:10,260 --> 00:14:11,780
baked beans -
225
00:14:11,780 --> 00:14:14,380
this is our wedding breakfast.
226
00:14:14,380 --> 00:14:17,940
My elaborate,
yet time-conserving, plan.
227
00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:20,460
AIR BRAKES HISS
228
00:14:23,580 --> 00:14:28,540
How DARE you call me STUPID
when I'm the only one
of my friends with a degree -
229
00:14:28,540 --> 00:14:31,060
in sociology!
230
00:14:31,060 --> 00:14:33,700
I know the difference
between men and women.
231
00:14:34,700 --> 00:14:38,060
But it was your fault
that Mr Keo got shot.
232
00:14:38,060 --> 00:14:40,540
I'm NOT admitting I'm STUPID!
233
00:14:40,540 --> 00:14:42,540
You're STUPID!
234
00:14:42,540 --> 00:14:44,300
Then I'm sorry, Miss Brooks,
235
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:49,420
it looks as if we shall have
to penalise you to a greater
236
00:14:49,420 --> 00:14:51,860
Oh!
237
00:14:58,060 --> 00:15:00,100
The driver's not coming back, is he?
238
00:15:01,140 --> 00:15:03,900
Jonny, you know what...?
239
00:15:03,900 --> 00:15:06,980
This wasn't ever meant to happen,
was it?
240
00:15:08,660 --> 00:15:11,500
Don't say that. Well, it's true.
241
00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:16,340
We keep proposing, splitting up,
re-proposing, ending up in a truck.
242
00:15:16,340 --> 00:15:18,180
Now, that's only happened once.
243
00:15:18,180 --> 00:15:23,100
Next time it could be
244
00:15:23,100 --> 00:15:26,340
See how much fun I am to be with.
Don't get angry, please!
245
00:15:26,340 --> 00:15:29,180
I'm not angry. I'm just...sad.
246
00:15:29,180 --> 00:15:35,020
Can't you see, we just weren't
ever meant to be married
and I think I know why.
247
00:15:35,020 --> 00:15:37,500
No, you don't.
You don't know anything.
248
00:15:37,500 --> 00:15:39,820
You're stupid, shut up.
249
00:15:39,820 --> 00:15:43,580
Look, Janet, we will get married,
it just won't be... Jonny...
250
00:15:43,580 --> 00:15:45,580
I need to tell you something.
251
00:15:45,580 --> 00:15:49,740
I don't want to hear.
Last time you said,
"I'm not in love with you any more."
252
00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:52,300
No, it's not that.
I love you more than anything.
253
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:56,820
I think that God is punishing me
by not letting me marry you...
254
00:15:56,820 --> 00:15:58,860
because of this.
255
00:15:59,660 --> 00:16:01,620
Oh.
256
00:16:01,620 --> 00:16:04,180
Your kebab juice
only makes me love you more.
257
00:16:05,820 --> 00:16:09,980
Interestingly, not the first
time I've used that sentence.
258
00:16:09,980 --> 00:16:11,820
No!
259
00:16:11,820 --> 00:16:16,460
It's too horrible.
You shouldn't even want to marry
me, Jonny. I'm a horrible person.
260
00:16:16,460 --> 00:16:19,300
Oh, thanks very much. What?
261
00:16:19,300 --> 00:16:21,860
It's a bit of an insult to me,
isn't it?
262
00:16:21,860 --> 00:16:25,700
I want to marry this horrible
person - ergo I'm horrible by proxy.
263
00:16:25,700 --> 00:16:28,900
Like when Chris dragged
Billy down to his level.
264
00:16:28,900 --> 00:16:31,300
No, you're too good for me.
265
00:16:31,300 --> 00:16:33,500
No, I'm not. I'm just as rubbish.
266
00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:35,340
You're hormonal cos of our baby.
267
00:16:35,340 --> 00:16:39,580
No! JANET, there is nothing you
could say to stop me marrying you!
268
00:16:40,580 --> 00:16:43,860
Unless like...
you'd slept with Gazza or something.
269
00:16:48,900 --> 00:16:51,340
Sorry, hormones.
270
00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:58,540
Kelly, have you seen Janet?
271
00:16:58,540 --> 00:17:01,060
Yeah, loads of times.
She's always in here.
272
00:17:01,060 --> 00:17:03,140
Today, have you seen her today?
273
00:17:03,140 --> 00:17:04,420
No!
274
00:17:04,420 --> 00:17:06,740
Hold on. Is that her?
275
00:17:08,620 --> 00:17:12,540
This is hopeless. We're never
going to find her. They've gone.
276
00:17:12,540 --> 00:17:16,020
Another thing I've lost. It's
all ruined. You've still got me.
277
00:17:16,020 --> 00:17:17,980
You BLEW IT, Gaz!
278
00:17:17,980 --> 00:17:23,340
There's NO WAY in eight thousand,
million, billion years
you've got a chance with me!
279
00:17:23,340 --> 00:17:25,060
What about after that?.
280
00:17:25,060 --> 00:17:28,460
No! What if I was the last man
alive?
281
00:17:28,460 --> 00:17:30,860
Not even then. That's fair enough.
282
00:17:30,860 --> 00:17:34,780
Cos, if I was the last man alive,
I'd be knocking on Rachel Stevens
door!
283
00:17:34,780 --> 00:17:36,460
Good.
284
00:17:36,460 --> 00:17:39,540
What about if we were stranded
on a desert island together?
285
00:17:39,540 --> 00:17:42,540
Well, let me think... No!
If we were on a desert island,
286
00:17:42,540 --> 00:17:46,740
I'd make myself a raft and paddle
as far away from you
as I possibly could.
287
00:17:46,740 --> 00:17:51,220
You wouldn't make a raft.
You're no good with joinery.
I'd steel all your Rawlplugs.
288
00:17:51,220 --> 00:17:55,180
I'd live
on the other side of the island.
The island's only 8ft across.
289
00:17:55,180 --> 00:17:56,980
I'd face out to sea and ignore you.
290
00:17:56,980 --> 00:17:59,620
What if I caught you a fish?
Would you talk to me?
291
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:02,140
What kind of fish? A big fish.
292
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:05,820
I might look... NO!
293
00:18:05,820 --> 00:18:09,020
But where can they be?
Well, time's getting on.
294
00:18:09,020 --> 00:18:13,420
If they're getting married,
they'll be at the town hall.
295
00:18:13,420 --> 00:18:15,460
If they're not there,
then that's it.
296
00:18:15,460 --> 00:18:19,780
Everything's come to an end -
no more Janet and Jonny,
no more Donna and Gaz.
297
00:18:19,780 --> 00:18:21,500
My mum's dead.
298
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:25,780
I have UGLY shoes. Everything
about my life has come to an end.
299
00:18:25,780 --> 00:18:29,980
Don't say that, Donna! Well thanks,
300
00:18:29,980 --> 00:18:32,740
No, I just can't stand
the sound of your voice!
301
00:18:32,740 --> 00:18:38,260
I'd do anything to get their names
on that wedding certificate by
the end of the day. Anything.
302
00:18:39,260 --> 00:18:40,620
Anything?
303
00:18:46,580 --> 00:18:47,940
Help!
304
00:18:47,940 --> 00:18:50,180
What if I'd murdered someone?
305
00:18:50,180 --> 00:18:54,180
Plenty of people are murderers -
doesn't mean
they don't make great wives.
306
00:18:54,180 --> 00:18:57,780
I'd marry Fred West if he whipped
up an omelette as good as yours!
307
00:18:57,780 --> 00:19:00,220
What if I'd robbed a post office?
308
00:19:00,220 --> 00:19:02,860
Bring on the stamps.
309
00:19:02,860 --> 00:19:05,740
Well I haven't. I haven't
done anything as bad as that.
310
00:19:05,740 --> 00:19:10,540
I've told you, the only thing
that'd stop me marrying you
is if you'd slept with my best mate.
311
00:19:10,540 --> 00:19:14,700
And frankly,
you ain't exactly Gaz's type.
312
00:19:14,700 --> 00:19:17,420
What? What's wrong with me?!
313
00:19:17,420 --> 00:19:21,900
Nothing. You're good enough for me,
anyway. But, I'm less choosy.
314
00:19:22,940 --> 00:19:25,940
The girlfriend before I met you,
for example.
315
00:19:25,940 --> 00:19:27,860
The one that didn't exist?
316
00:19:27,860 --> 00:19:30,580
That's the girl, Henrietta.
317
00:19:30,580 --> 00:19:33,780
I went out with her for a long time.
And the one before that.
318
00:19:33,780 --> 00:19:35,580
With the eye patch?
319
00:19:35,580 --> 00:19:38,780
If you looked beyond
her piratey exterior,
320
00:19:38,780 --> 00:19:41,460
she was...she was very random.
321
00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:45,140
So, you don't think
that I could get Gaz?
322
00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:50,860
Janet, Gaz wouldn't be interested
in you for hundreds of reasons.
323
00:19:50,860 --> 00:19:53,340
I can give you
two excellent ones why he would.
324
00:19:53,340 --> 00:19:56,380
Yeah, but you broke
those walkie-talkies ages ago!
325
00:19:56,380 --> 00:19:59,780
So, what if I was to tell
you that I'd slept with Gaz?
326
00:19:59,780 --> 00:20:05,780
I'd say, "ha," and then, "ha,"
and then I'd chuckle lightly.
327
00:20:05,780 --> 00:20:07,740
Jonny,
328
00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:09,780
I slept with Gaz.
329
00:20:09,780 --> 00:20:12,020
Ha! Ha!
330
00:20:12,020 --> 00:20:14,020
Oo-oo-oo-ooh.
331
00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:18,420
I want YOU, Janet.
I want to be your husband.
332
00:20:18,420 --> 00:20:21,020
Even though
I just said I'd slept with Gaz?
333
00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:23,980
Whatever it is, I don't care.
334
00:20:23,980 --> 00:20:27,380
You little, bizarre
hormone-filled kebab-stink woman.
335
00:20:28,380 --> 00:20:30,220
I want to marry YOU.
336
00:20:31,740 --> 00:20:34,020
Then let's do it, now!
337
00:20:34,020 --> 00:20:37,660
How? Where are we? We'll never get
to the registry office.
338
00:20:37,660 --> 00:20:39,420
We'll write our own vows.
339
00:20:39,420 --> 00:20:44,140
We'll just do it here. Just me
and you, and THAT crab over there.
340
00:20:51,540 --> 00:20:54,180
Where are they?
They're supposed to be here by now?
341
00:20:54,180 --> 00:20:57,220
They can get married any time.
It's not their final chance.
342
00:20:57,220 --> 00:21:01,860
It is, Gaz, if their names don't
go on that wedding certificate
343
00:21:03,540 --> 00:21:05,300
I'll sort it, Donna.
344
00:21:05,300 --> 00:21:09,100
I'll do anything
to make that happen. Donna!
345
00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:14,340
This could be the happiest day of
my life. I got community service.
346
00:21:14,340 --> 00:21:16,140
I thought you were getting a fine?
347
00:21:16,140 --> 00:21:18,300
Community service is much worse.
348
00:21:18,300 --> 00:21:21,940
They've put me in charge of teenage
girls. It'll be like school again.
349
00:21:21,940 --> 00:21:24,780
You know, when I was a bully, eh?
350
00:21:24,780 --> 00:21:31,220
So, they punish you for nearly
committing murder by putting you in
charge of children? What can I say?
351
00:21:31,220 --> 00:21:33,860
The law is an ass. Where's Janet?
352
00:21:33,860 --> 00:21:37,020
I need to tell her the good news.
353
00:21:37,020 --> 00:21:38,660
Are you ready?
354
00:21:38,660 --> 00:21:40,220
What for?
355
00:21:40,220 --> 00:21:43,420
Janet Smith? That's her.
356
00:21:45,300 --> 00:21:47,260
I told you I'd sort it.
357
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:57,740
He's just like a registrar -
358
00:21:57,740 --> 00:22:00,060
only you can souffle him afterwards.
359
00:22:00,060 --> 00:22:02,900
Go on, then. You go first. OK then.
360
00:22:02,900 --> 00:22:06,540
You didn't learn them?
There's a lot to say.
361
00:22:06,540 --> 00:22:09,340
Oh, I suppose there is.
Go ahead, then.
362
00:22:09,340 --> 00:22:14,580
Go ahead, then?! I don't think
the crab wouldn't appreciate you
saying that in a place of worship.
363
00:22:14,580 --> 00:22:16,100
Sorry.
364
00:22:16,100 --> 00:22:17,620
Please proceed.
365
00:22:17,620 --> 00:22:20,140
That's a bit too formal.
366
00:22:20,140 --> 00:22:23,500
Jonny, my dear, dear Jonny,
do us your vows.
367
00:22:23,500 --> 00:22:26,260
A-hem...Janet...
368
00:22:26,260 --> 00:22:28,220
Yes.
369
00:22:28,220 --> 00:22:33,740
..Janet, I've known you for AGES,
longer than I've known,
ooh, let's say Kelly.
370
00:22:33,740 --> 00:22:35,820
Kelly's in our wedding vows?!
371
00:22:35,820 --> 00:22:38,020
And having known you
372
00:22:38,020 --> 00:22:41,540
as a woman in bed, having sex...
373
00:22:41,540 --> 00:22:44,380
I have thus babbied you up.
374
00:22:45,580 --> 00:22:50,180
Thus, we are getting wed
375
00:22:50,180 --> 00:22:51,620
Jonny!
376
00:22:51,620 --> 00:22:53,140
There's more.
377
00:22:53,140 --> 00:22:58,540
And thus, Jonny has begat
a baby with you - thus Janet.
378
00:22:58,540 --> 00:23:03,540
And so, by the power vested in me,
I now pronounce you me wife.
379
00:23:03,540 --> 00:23:06,860
You may kiss me face.
380
00:23:06,860 --> 00:23:08,540
Mwah!
381
00:23:08,540 --> 00:23:11,540
That was beautiful. My turn.
382
00:23:11,820 --> 00:23:13,860
I can't believe we're doing this!
383
00:23:13,860 --> 00:23:18,980
We've got to get their names on that
certificate. But we're not them.
We'll get caught. No we won't.
384
00:23:18,980 --> 00:23:22,220
Think about it. This is the best
present you could get for Janet.
385
00:23:22,220 --> 00:23:27,660
You've not exactly been a good
friend recently, have you?
Oh, you're so dead!
386
00:23:27,660 --> 00:23:30,500
Jonny. Janet. Louise.
387
00:23:30,500 --> 00:23:31,620
Hi.
388
00:23:32,900 --> 00:23:35,300
I believe you've written
your own vows?
389
00:23:36,940 --> 00:23:39,420
Oh, you're dead twice!
390
00:23:41,100 --> 00:23:43,820
Did you say dead nice or dead twice?
391
00:23:44,900 --> 00:23:46,660
Just checking.
392
00:23:47,540 --> 00:23:50,620
It's a poem. Does it rhyme?
393
00:23:50,620 --> 00:23:53,620
Of course.
Who do you think I am - E Cummings?
394
00:23:54,620 --> 00:23:56,500
Who?
395
00:23:56,500 --> 00:23:59,620
He's a poet. I've been robbing
bits off of people -
396
00:23:59,620 --> 00:24:02,220
mostly Daniel Bedingfield.
397
00:24:02,220 --> 00:24:04,660
OK. Go on, then.
OK, it's in three parts.
398
00:24:04,660 --> 00:24:06,580
Stanza one - limerick.
399
00:24:06,580 --> 00:24:07,980
Cool!
400
00:24:07,980 --> 00:24:12,340
There once was a young man
named John... E. What?
401
00:24:12,340 --> 00:24:15,820
John-E. You never call me John.
402
00:24:15,820 --> 00:24:17,980
Yes,
but not much rhymes with Jonny.
403
00:24:17,980 --> 00:24:22,460
Bonny was about all I could
come up with and hey nonny nonny.
404
00:24:22,460 --> 00:24:25,100
But I thought
that was rather derivative. OK.
405
00:24:25,100 --> 00:24:27,540
There once was
a young man named John,
406
00:24:27,540 --> 00:24:30,420
who I loved very much like a swan.
A swan?
407
00:24:30,420 --> 00:24:33,780
He had dark-brown hair
and he growled like a bear
408
00:24:33,780 --> 00:24:36,300
and then for his tea
he had scone...s.
409
00:24:40,060 --> 00:24:41,940
Spoke to me that did, love.
410
00:24:41,940 --> 00:24:46,820
OK. Stanza two - the epic poem.
It's a haiku.
411
00:24:46,820 --> 00:24:48,580
Ooh.
412
00:24:49,580 --> 00:24:51,620
One, two, three, four, five.
413
00:24:51,620 --> 00:24:53,660
One, two, three, four, five, six,
se...
414
00:24:53,660 --> 00:24:56,060
ven - one, two, three, four.
415
00:24:58,140 --> 00:25:02,340
And no matter what happened,
is happening,
or will happen in the future,
416
00:25:02,340 --> 00:25:04,500
I promise I'm going to be there.
417
00:25:04,500 --> 00:25:07,860
Every time you turn around
I'll be there...
418
00:25:07,860 --> 00:25:10,140
waving...
419
00:25:10,140 --> 00:25:12,580
simply waving -
420
00:25:12,580 --> 00:25:14,100
like this.
421
00:25:18,020 --> 00:25:20,620
My darling husband-to-be...
422
00:25:21,980 --> 00:25:26,140
..ever since you shagged my best
423
00:25:26,140 --> 00:25:31,380
I can think of no better
way to spend my life
than with a BASTARD like you.
424
00:25:32,820 --> 00:25:35,820
What we had, you stamped on,
425
00:25:35,820 --> 00:25:39,380
then did a shit on, then stamped on
again and gave me your shoes.
426
00:25:39,380 --> 00:25:42,140
And for this I thank you,
my darling.
427
00:25:42,140 --> 00:25:47,540
And so, I believe,
we'll unite as people
who both HATE Gaz Wilkinson!
428
00:25:47,540 --> 00:25:51,940
That man, Gaz Wilkinson,
who is RUBBISH in bed.
429
00:25:51,940 --> 00:25:56,620
That man, Gaz Wilkinson,
who owns a Hanson album.
430
00:25:57,620 --> 00:26:01,020
That man, Gaz Wilkinson,
who has a birthmark
431
00:26:01,020 --> 00:26:06,060
in the shape of another man's penis
directly over his bum hole.
432
00:26:09,020 --> 00:26:11,020
Is everything OK?
433
00:26:11,020 --> 00:26:13,100
They're very much in love.
434
00:26:14,140 --> 00:26:16,580
They're both just a bit SPECIAL.
435
00:26:23,060 --> 00:26:26,020
So, Mrs Keo...
436
00:26:26,020 --> 00:26:28,740
THEY GIGGLE
437
00:26:28,740 --> 00:26:31,020
..Mrs Keo.
438
00:26:31,020 --> 00:26:33,860
Say it again, just one more time.
439
00:26:33,860 --> 00:26:35,540
Mrs Keo.
440
00:26:35,540 --> 00:26:38,740
No, it wasn't as good that time.
441
00:26:38,740 --> 00:26:41,100
What shall we do now then, Mrs Keo?
442
00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:45,940
Oh, yeah, still got it.
443
00:26:43,140 --> 00:26:45,940
THUD, CLICK
444
00:26:45,940 --> 00:26:47,660
Oh!
445
00:26:47,660 --> 00:26:50,980
OK, hold that a little higher
and squeeze together.
446
00:26:50,980 --> 00:26:53,660
Can we get a little smile
from the blushing bride?
447
00:26:53,660 --> 00:26:57,580
It's the town hall! Yeah!
Janet!
448
00:26:57,580 --> 00:27:00,140
It's my name.
449
00:27:00,140 --> 00:27:02,780
What happened to you?
We got married.
450
00:27:02,780 --> 00:27:04,620
So did we, look!
451
00:27:04,620 --> 00:27:07,700
What? Well,
me Janet and he Jonny got married.
452
00:27:07,700 --> 00:27:11,180
Yeah, but we missed it.
No, we didn't miss anything at all.
453
00:27:11,180 --> 00:27:15,580
See, in the eyes of the law me
Janet and he Jonny got married, see.
Oh, my God!
454
00:27:15,580 --> 00:27:18,060
Donna, did you...?
455
00:27:18,060 --> 00:27:19,660
Thank you.
456
00:27:20,700 --> 00:27:23,940
This truly was
the happiest day of my life.
457
00:27:23,940 --> 00:27:28,140
Me too. Me too. Me too!
Don't even think about it twatbag!
458
00:27:28,140 --> 00:27:30,140
OK.
459
00:27:30,140 --> 00:27:31,900
CHEESE!
460
00:27:31,900 --> 00:27:34,340
SHUTTER CLICKS
461
00:27:35,420 --> 00:27:37,220
Look what you've done to my Rascal!
462
00:27:38,620 --> 00:27:41,220
Oh, my God, you're Gaz!
463
00:27:41,220 --> 00:27:43,420
I had a routine when it was just me.
464
00:27:43,420 --> 00:27:44,500
Well, get a job.
465
00:27:46,700 --> 00:27:48,260
Can Jonny have the job?
466
00:27:51,100 --> 00:27:52,500
Ooh-ee!
467
00:27:52,500 --> 00:27:54,500
Baba, wake up!
468
00:27:56,100 --> 00:27:57,820
THUD
36865
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